In Case of Emergency

You want your rheumatoid factor to be under 15, if you have one at allAt 60, you’ve got a severe case of rheumatoid arthritisMy factor is 160, so my diagnosis was pretty clearWhen I told my doctor I wanted my first course of action to be homeopathicHe told me he’d only treat me naturally if I was seeing a therapist concurrentlyThat therapist was wonderfulAnd after just a few sessions, she suggested I experienced significant anxietyI was somewhat shocked. I’ve always considered myself very Type BBut as she described it, I recognized it in my bodyWhich, in retrospect, may have been my very first somatic experiencingAnd with breath and noticing and softnessA lot of things began to unravel emotionally as I met that anxiety I had never named before.Sitting with myself todayI remembered that time and that feeling and those processesAnd came to two important realizations:One, I have existential anxiety funneling through my professional lifeTwo, I know how to meet it once it’s named.The unwinding I experienced during my first dance with anxietyWas slow and unpredictable, and very, very generative.Lately, feeling that low level (or not so low level) panic and trying so hard to end itWow. That’s been a lot.Tightness in my face, my heart, the pit of my stomach, aches in my shoulders…I have a friend who sees a visceral manipulation therapistWho posits that the structural tensions of trauma must be literally caressed back into functionThat the mind knowing a trauma is over is inadequateThere must be physical encouragement, reminding, restorationAnd how, after surgery, the muscles around the incision need to be repeatedly realignedAnd how rarely that’s doneAll of this to say, I have a new insight to inform my physical practicesTo meet this specific, persistent strain and anxietyNaming it has unlocked something that has been stuck, for all my best effortsThere’s a little more space, room for possibilityAnd while I can’t afford bodywork, I can caress myself back into functionBetween Sue Choi, QiGong, Tai Chi, and a little self massage with focus and intentionI can move some energy already.Stress is hard enough - and i’ve been wondering why I haven’t been able to translate it into growthNow I can discern that it’s been encased in a thick layer of anxietyAnd I can break that glassBecause I’m tired of emergencyAnd ready for emergence. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com