Inner Activism

I believe social activism is essential to a responsible lifeBut I’ve had to change how I approach itI was out with clipboards and signs regularlyYet, very few of my chosen causes have been ultimately successfulThere’s a lot I don’t understand about how and why the world works the way it doesAnd my part in itAnd I still go out and sit or stand with my signBut my real activism work is now on the insideDuring my years of stillnessAnd the various health protocols I exploredI became very aware that the way I treated my bodyUncomfortably paralleled the way my species treats the planetI had normalized ingesting pizza and coke, and staying up til 2amStill expecting top performance the next dayOr exercising as a way of commanding my body into a shapeImpatient with fatigue or a need to restPopping up after the flu and immediately getting back to 12 hour daysOr being angry for not being able to.It was unsustainable and extractiveAnd for all my organic groceries in cloth bags, and turning off the water while brushingI was forgetting to tend to the tract of earth fully within my stewardshipMy body.Once my environmental activismBecame recontextualized to start with my own bodyI noticed some other external prioritiesHad compelling internal expressionsFor example, in my commitment to wanting to stand up for human rightsI saw and felt my intolerance for my own vulnerabilitiesParts of my being that wanted to control and be separate fromMy tenderness, my fragility, my grief, my specific heart and its idiosyncrasiesHolding myself to expectations of rising above myselfDemonizing my attributes that weren’t up to some mechanical expectation ofStrong, efficient and worthyHoly smokes can I be intolerant of myselfAnd that is hypocritical in a world where I want everyone treated fairly.This transferred pretty quickly to my feelings about economic justiceBut of course, the economy of time and energy supplants money in my interiorHow often I spend my time and energy on what my thinking mind wants to achieveOver a deeper sensitivity to what the moment is asking of meI have far more tolerance for the literal pain and stress of applying to jobs on LinkedIn(my shoulders start aching by the third application, every time)Than I do for resting and doing nothing for an afternoonWhich I do, because I now know rest and playfulness are valuableBut I still often feel guilty about itAnd so, when I see authoritarianism in the worldI can sense into my internal parallel:My thinking mind believing it is the most valuable aspect of meThat it should be in charge of everythingWith little to no regard for the needs of the bodyDenying the mind is entirely dependent on the bodyVilifying any need of the body that doesn’t serve ‘progress’The left-brain domination that has no regard for the right mindWould drive my life to the brink of disasterExpounding on its own superiority.And after a solid decade of softening, I continue to find insidious examplesOf how entrained I am to exploitiveAnd that painReminds me to focus on the holiness of the whole of my beingAnd sensing my breath in my body,And feeling the world in its wholenessThis feels like the most important activism of my lifeBecause that inner tyrant arises oftenAnd it’s my job to dethrone the spectacleAgain and againSo that the whole of me has the space and timeTo be in this worldWhole, curious and receptiveThe ultimate upgrade from the fragmented selfFeeling the possibilitiesInstead of swimming in grievancesBecause if I’m ever to be effective in the worldIt will be because I’ve embodied my principlesWithin myself.Thanks for reading! This post is public so feel free to share it. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com