Is My Husband Grooming Me? – Raven’s Story

If you’ve wondered, “Is my husband grooming me?” Raven talks about how her emotionally abusive husband groomed her from the beginning of their relationship. One way to know if he’s grooming you is to see if he’s using any one of the 19 emotional abuse tactics. To find out, take our free emotional abuse test. What Is Grooming? No matter what kind of abuse, or who the abuser is, grooming occurs when an abuser creates a false sense of safety for his victim. “Anything that someone does to make it look like he’s a knight in shining armor.” Raven, Member of the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Community Community At the start of a relationship, an abuser might act very kind and caring to make a woman believe he is a safe and trustworthy partner. He might seem honest, loyal, and emotionally strong. But later, he may start cheating, lying, and making her question her own feelings or memories. This shows that the way he acted in the beginning was just a trick to control and manipulate her. If you relate, attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session to find support. Transcript: Is My Husband Grooming Me? Anne: A member of our community, we’re going to call her Raven, is on today’s episode. I sent a request on social media to have a member of our community. Come on the podcast to talk about grooming, and Raven was like, “Pick me, I want to talk about grooming.” On our social media channels, you can interact with women who comment back and forth about what they think of these episodes. You can be anonymous on social media, depending on what your profile says. If you’re not anonymous on social media and want to be anonymous, you can go to our website and search for this episode in the search bar. So for example, the title of this one is, “Is my husband grooming me?” So you can put that in the search bar on our website. This podcast episode will come up, and then on this particular episode, you can comment and interact anonymously with other women on our website. Understanding Grooming Anne: So you volunteered to talk about grooming. Thank you, what motivated you to respond to my request? Raven: Thanks for having me. When I first saw the post, I actually didn’t know what it was. So I looked it up and I was like, Oh, and I think maybe some other women haven’t heard that term yet. And it’s something I would like to explore more. Anne: So, obviously, we’re not talking about grooming in terms of brushing our teeth or combing our hair. But we’re talking about the kind of grooming that an abusive man does to give the impression he’s a really good guy. This is when he manipulates someone with a goal in mind. In this way, an abusive man uses words and actions calculated to create a feeling of safety, so he can trap his victim. We’ll chat about grooming, and if she had any questions, I would answer them. I didn’t ask her to, but she did some research about grooming in preparation for our chat. So can you talk about some of the things you learned? Raven: Basically, it’s anything someone does to seem like they’re the knight in shining armor. Doing good things to seem good and hide the bad. I’m confused about the difference between gaslighting and grooming, because they both make you seem like the crazy person or the bad person. Anne: Narcissists groom victims intending to set the baseline “reality” of his character. Grooming is about Setting A Baseline Perception Anne: He wants to manufacture a persona that you judge everything by from then on. So if your baseline perception of someone, anyone, is that they’re an honest, kind, compassionate person. Then you filter their actions through that lens. So if your baseline perception of your husband is that he’s honest, kind, and compassionate, then you’re going to filter everything that he does through that perception. Because if your baseline perception of your husband is that he’s a wonderful, loving person. If something weird happens, you’re going to interpret that as an “off day” or maybe going through something hard. It’s going to feel outside the norm. Then you’ll try to explain it according to the perception you have. So since he is such a good person, maybe he needs help. Maybe there’s something wrong. Contrast that with thinking about how you would interpret someone’s actions, if your baseline perception were that they are a compulsive liar. If you have the perception that someone’s a compulsive liar, you’re going to be guarded and on the lookout, you’re not going to be vulnerable with them. This is why lying is emotionally abusive. So abusive men have this awareness that they need to set this baseline perception, and that you’re going to filter everything through that. So the intent of grooming is to ensure that your baseline perception of him is that he’s the good guy. This is the type of manipulation that happens day in and day out all the time. And if someone’s doing this from the beginning, of the relationship from the moment you meet them, they’re purposefully trying to control how you perceive them. And also control how everybody else perceives them. Rather than just trying to get to know you, rather than just being in a relationship with a real person. A Real-Life Example Of Grooming Anne: They’re intentional about the image they’re portraying. They’ll go way out of their way to set up this baseline perception. So, for example, I was talking to a friend, and she told me she was dating a new guy and he was divorced. He had an ex wife and children, and apparently he had a lot of money, and apparently his ex-wife was crazy. So this is a red flag for me, like, “Okay, he’s probably an abuser.” So my friend got stuck about three hours away, kind of in the middle of nowhere. She had a flat tire around 10:00 PM. Now, if you want to be helpful, you could do a lot of things in this situation. Like if she called me. I have kids asleep, right? So I’d say, let’s call AAA. They can come out there, and if they can’t fix your tire, they can drive you to the nearest town. and you can get a hotel for the night. Something like that would be a reasonable way to help someone out. And if she didn’t have money, he could have offered to pay for the hotel room. Something like that, but no. He put his sleeping kids in the back of his car on a school night, and drove three hours to get to her. So she had to wait three hours to get help. She could’ve got help faster from someone else, and then drove her home three hours. She thought he was so incredible. When she told me the story, she was like, “He pulled out all the stops to help me.” And I was thinking, whoa, he pulled out all the stops to convince you he was a good guy. But good guys are logical. They would just call AAA. Grooming vs. Gaslighting Anne: They wouldn’t put a sleeping child in the back of the car and drive six hours. Through the whole night. And his plan had a added bonus, which was the next day he drove her back up the three hours. So he got to spend that much time with her. Which I think was his intent. That’s an example of grooming. Grooming is a form of gaslighting, but the victim always experiences grooming as positive. Grooming is when she feels good, amazing, loved, cared for and special. Gaslighting can be either positive or negative. Gaslighting is when he purposefully alters her reality. And grooming, is that for sure. But gaslighting is also when he tells you that you’re having memory problems or crazy, or when he says, “What’s wrong with you, why would you think I would ever use pornograpy?” You don’t know me at all. He was trying to have her doubt, her perceptions of reality. So I would say gaslighting can be positive or negative, and grooming is always positive. Do you feel like you’ve experienced that? I He Groomed Me From The Very Beginning Raven: Yeah, so we met and things went pretty fast. The night he asked me to be his girlfriend, I told him my life story. I was like, hey, here’s who I am. Here are some mistakes I’ve made. I don’t want to do that anymore. And like, take me or leave me kind of thing. And he said, “That’s in the past. I love you.” He had a job at the training center for missionaries of my church, which you have to hold certain standards to keep. He never misses a Sunday of church, even if he has like a hundred and three fever. And he presented himself as this perfect person, and he was doing me a favor by loving me. It was very apparent after we got married, more so because his parents would be like, Oh, all the girls were all over him, and you were lucky. And it worked well in his favor. When I found out about all his exploitative materials use a year into marriage, I told him I wanted a divorce. And he called his parents crying. He didn’t know why I was acting crazy and irrationally over something so little. And then they said, maybe it’s because I was in a bad place spiritually. He was making it seem like I’m the one acting crazy and irrationally, because he would never do something like that. Because everyone’s always seen him as good spiritually. Is My Husband Grooming Me? The Realization of Abuse Anne: So you experienced grooming while dating, and then after marriage, he starts gaslighting you. And he’s also groomed everyone around him to perceive that his baseline character is a good guy. And you feel like he’s a good guy too, until you realize he wasn’t. Raven: Well, so he overcompensates a lot. I’d always feel like well, he’s a great father and a great husband besides this. Because he would take the kids, and he does the cooking, and he does the cleaning. When I was angry and like yelling, he would be calm. And like, I understand everyone just saw that side of him that he had it all put together. He was the one holding this marriage together, because I’m falling apart. Anne: Did you know that he was abusive, or did you just kind of feel that something was wrong? Raven: So I heard the term abuse and I was laughing. I was like, my husband is not an abuser. And once I started reading about abuse. I was like, oh my goodness, he is. I had no idea at that time. Anne: Yeah. This is a powerful truth about emotional abuse most women don’t know. And even when you didn’t know it was abuse, you were still resisting it. because you sensed something was wrong. You actively tried to protect yourself. And in your case, you had him start addiction recovery. Thinking that would create some safety. Take us back to that time. What was he doing while he was in “recovery” for his addiction? Is My Husband Grooming Me? Yes Raven: When he started working more on the 12 steps and was making amends to people, he would again, just like say all the right things. Without being honest and manipulating them to make him seem better than he was. And then when I’m not doing well, people would be like, Oh, but I thought you were better. Because he reached out to me and said he was sorry, and he made these amends and said he was going to get better. So, like grooming others to believe he’s better or believe we’re better. And kind of not seeing why I’m still in a place where I’m at. So he was doing more stuff, and I told him I was like, “I see you’re doing more, but I still feel like something’s off.” And I just wanted to believe he was different. And then yesterday, actually, he came to me and told me the last five months he’d been lying straight to my face. He’s been acting out the last five months actually a lot. Probably more than ever, and I kicked him out of the house this morning. Anne: Oh, and here we are on the podcast. Are you okay? No, the answer’s no. So he’s answering the question, is my husband grooming me, with a yes. Raven: I’m actually better than ever. I feel so free. In the beginning, I would check his phone whatever, and I started doing that just a little while back as something was off. But he shared this, and I actually feel empowered right now, but also overwhelmed. Anne: Whoa, wow, I can’t believe we’re talking right now. There’s so much to process. Fake Recovery & Vulnerability Anne: You know, this fake recovery he did when he was lying straight to your face. It’s very similar to fake vulnerability that many of these abusers will do. Where they just share a little part of something, and then the victim’s like, well, there’s no way he was sharing something like that if he wasn’t honest. And it makes them feel close to him. Like, he’s a good guy because he’s open and honest. So fake recovery is similar to fake vulnerability. It’s manufactured to trap us, wow. Raven: So the other night we had a talk with his parents. They’re toxic, and he was defending me. He was just saying, yeah, I’ve been abusive. He groomed so well that he’ll admit it. He’ll say all the right things. Like, yeah, I’ve been abusive and I’ve done this all while he’s still acting out. He’s still abusing me. So here he is being vulnerable and being fake vulnerable, like admitting he’s being abusive. Anne: And people are thinking, oh, he’s admitting to what he did. So he must have changed. Why won’t she forgive him? That kind of thing. That’s super scary. People around you right now aren’t recognizing how dangerous your situation is. And they don’t know about grooming. Raven: Yes, so he’s doing more work, and yet the other night he woke up and told me he groped me in my sleep. I had reached out to some friends and they’re like, that’s not normal. And so I told him he acknowledged it. So I told his parents, and they said, “Oh, honey, that’s normal, that’s part of the marriage contract.” Struggling With Knowing It Was “Only” Grooming Anne: What? Assault is part of the marriage contract? Raven: But I was like, no, this is my body. And I still have a right to say when he can touch me and when he cannot touch me. And they said, “Oh, that’s probably why he has a pornography problem then. Anne: Ahhh Raven: So I’ve stopped talking to them for now. Anne: You are very brave and you are strong. Raven: Thanks, I’ve come a long way. Yeah, I think the hardest part is that I feel like I could never divorce him. Because i’m too scared of what he would do. I just worry, oh, well, who would he be with. And like why couldn’t I be like her, but right now I don’t want him either. So I’m in this tricky spot. How do you know when it’s time? Will I have the strength to do what I need? Anne: One thing to remember right now is that even if you remain married, you still don’t have a say over who he’s seeing. Marriage doesn’t solve that problem. If the person’s not healthy, if they’re not willing to be honest. And if they’re not willing to be faithful to their wife. Then marriage isn’t going to stop them. So if that’s one of your worries, let me help you release that. Is My Husband Grooming Me? Finding Strength & Clarity Raven: I feel conflicted between almost ecstatic, like, I knew I was right, because something was telling me, but also kind of like, well, why didn’t I listen to myself sooner? And feeling like I let myself down, but I can accept that I was doing the best I could. Anne: You absolutely were doing the best you could. You didn’t know that the answer to the question of, is my husband grooming me? was yes. You were resisting the best way you knew how. That’s why I wrote The Living Free Workshop. It was to help women who are always resisting abuse. They just don’t know exactly what it is, and they can’t anticipate what he’s going to do. That workshop takes you through what’s happening. It helps you anticipate what he’s going to do next, so that you can protect yourself. For those who relate. If you’re asking, is my husband a good person? Or is he just grooming me? I’m so confused. You don’t know where to turn, Betrayal Trauma Recovery is a safe place for you to process this. It’s important that you process it on your own, without going to him with these concerns. So that you can observe whether he is safe. Or if he is abusive. Because they are master manipulators and master groomers. And you want to recognize what’s going on. Raven Could Use Prayers Anne: Raven, thank you so much for being brave and strong and coming on today, despite this huge thing happening in your life right now. It is difficult to realize that your husband is grooming you. Raven: Thanks for having me. Anne: If you are the praying type.Raven could use your prayers. Since I recorded that podcast, things got very, very difficult for her. She actually spent some time in a domestic violence shelter. So just a call for prayers for her and all of us, as I pray for myself and all of you all the time. 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