Welcome back to Fresh Matters, where we discuss matters of freshness. I'm the grossier here with Kat from Metro. Kat, your produce is impeccable. We have high standards. We... Meat is custom cut on site to my very delight. Yep, it's important that we... And the baked goods? More like baked grates. Fresh in store every day. So at Metro you would say fresh. Matters? It does! Find fresh meals and deals at Metro!
Welcome back to Fresh Matters, where we discuss matters of freshness. I'm the grossier here with Kat from Metro. Kat, your produce is impeccable. We have high standards. We... Meat is custom cut on site, am I very delight? Yep, it's important that we... And the baked goods? More like baked grates. Fresh in store every day. So at Metro you would say fresh. Matters? It does! Find fresh meals and deals at Metro!
Jaren's Outpost is a bustling city located in the nation of Goldcrest. A nation that nobody cared about until the king was slain by a bunch of adventurers. Unfortunately, adventurers did what adventurers do, and they didn't think of the consequences of killing a powerful tyrant, and they promptly left the citizens of Goldcrest to figure it out for themselves. For now, Jaren's Outpost is a melting pot of religions, criminals, politics, and paranoia, with everyone keeping everyone else in check. But all that's about to change. Welcome to the Enhanced Edition of Jaren's Outpost.
All right, we're gonna go to the Sabres and convince him to fight Eden. Are you bringing this? No. Ah, no. What's happening with this then?
Yeah. What's happening with piss? We let him go. You're free to do whatever you want. All right. Wait, don't go to Eden. Why would I? I don't know. I don't know what you would do. A guard comes in to the jail cells with you guys. Excuse me, sir. He, like, startles as he walks into the zone of truth. I feel weird. Sir, there's a thing you should probably deal with. There's an elf out the front. He keeps trying to get down here. We've got him restrained, but... Oh, right. Yeah, I know what that might be. You know what that might be? Eden thought it was a good idea to give me a ghost. What? A ghost. I didn't want it. I told him not to, but he did. And then to get rid of the ghost.
I also put it in a fella. He's wounded, so I think this might be of the essence. Well, this can't lie. So, is he dead? Surgeon? I don't know. He wasn't dead when I put a ghost in him. He's alive with a ghost in him. I think he walked through the no-man's land. He looks like he's been torn apart by the gnomish weapon. Okay, so he's a zombie. Yeah, I guess a zombie you call it then. Do you know what sort of entity is possessing him? A soul? Can you describe the soul? Just like wisps.
Will the creature follow your orders? Yeah, it does. Well, then we can just water it down here. Yeah, but what if Eton is like, oh, no, I'm grabbing control again. Well, if we could at least trick it somewhere. Yeah, but where do you want me to send it? Anything under the church? Any crypts? Who do you want to fuck up? Hey. Hey. Hey. Piss.
Can you send it to see Papa Shorefoot? Yeah, right. I'm untied, yeah? Yeah. All right, I'll wander downstairs to it. Upstairs. All right. We got with you, by the way. It's in the main office. It's being pinned by, like, four guards. When it sees piss, it, like, tries to get up. Hello, hello. One of its arms snaps as it struggles. The gnomish machine gun has cut it nearly in half. Oh, boy, Gary. We know that Gary. Yeah, right. Can you go to Papa Shorefoot? Fuck him up. The guards look at you, Perilical. The guard's sitting on the ghost. As you were. Get off.
Our preacher gets up, turns about and walks away. Yeah, that's that then. Give me the exact wedding. Can you get a pop of Shorefoot? Fuck him up. I really hope he gets there and just does like, trying to penetrate him upwards. Just humping him into the air. Adam's like, yes. Cool, all right. Welcome to my sex venture. All right. Can we take on the sabers? Can we take on the sabers? No, we want them to help us with eating. Yeah, I don't know if we can take on an army of undivided out them. Look, I know you don't like them, and fair enough, but if we can get peace to this town.
We can try and negotiate something with them. Who ends up in charge when the gnomes go? Right, they take the weapon with them? Yes. Right, so the weapon's gone. The plan, right, so it ends out. Gnomes are out. Who's left in charge? So it's the church and us. The church don't want to take control of the city. No, no, but it's the town guard working with the church to bring order and peace. That would put... So you, me. Would that make me in charge of the town? You're in charge. Basically, you would be in charge. Fuck, that's scary. Something that I realised quite a while ago that you're slowly realising. If the town guard takes command, you're in command of the town guard. Yeah, I guess I'm the boss.
Well, you fuck off to the sabers then. I'll make a pub. Hey, Wednesday. Yeah? Do you want to follow Piss? You can go in a pub with me. Sure. I'll have a couple drinks with Piss, sure. That's sabers time. Get some horses. Go to the sabers. All right, you ride out to, I believe it's called Fort White. Should be marked there on the western side. Oh, and when you enter, you can see the signs of the white tables kind of making this area their own. You've heard reports that they've begun trying to gather taxes from the local people. And like I said before, they've begun conscripting locals as well. There's a lot of...
actual white sabers willing about, but you see some people who are in ill-fitting uniforms and stuff like that, quite obviously conscripts. You get to the gates to the small keep, and two guards hold you up. Halt! Who goes there? Commander Periwinkle O'Rourke of the town guard. I wish to have an audience with your boss. The guards stand aside. One of them calls up, Watch! A guy on the wall leans over and yells, Watch here! Who are we letting in? Commander O'Rourke! The doors slowly begin to open. The guards wave you inside. Off we go.
I assume Clara's with us, too. Yes. Did we bring any of the town guard with us? You can, if you want. Yeah, maybe two or three. Just a nice little posse. Yep. You ride in. It's a very small sort of little keep here. It's just a secondary. It was once a guardhouse, but it had to be abandoned in the riots, and the white sabers moved in. There's evidence of that around as well. You can see where banners for the town guard were hung up and then taken down, moved aside, and banners for the white sabers were put up. Yeah, this is really good. I'm so happy to be here. In the courtyard, you meet, for the first time, the very stern and slightly battle-scarred face of Paladin Commander Evelyn Plain. Hey.
Greetings, Commander. I didn't realise the town guard had already replaced Moroni, was it? Yeah, Moroni turned out to be Blood Cult, so we replaced him pretty quick. I heard that. Nice dab you out. Did they stop doing their sacrifice in the street, the Blood Cult? No, we should probably do something about that. We should, yes. Why have you come here, Commander? Alright, we have information gained under a zone of truth that Eden is amassing an undead army.
Let's cut to the chase here, if I may. Yes. You want my assistance defeating Eden, defeating the blood cults, and perhaps even withdrawing from the gnomes. Yes? I want your help taking down Eden. We can handle the blood cult. She smiles. But you wouldn't mind my help, would you?
I look at Leo. I need strength. I'm going to punch this woman in the face. This is what my face is to Leo. Look, we are aware that the gnomes are leaving. They are going to take their weapon. Now, with them left, the only person here who is going to cause any disruption to this beautiful city of ours is Eton. And we know that he has an army of dead and an army of specters, as well as being a dragon. We can throw our own men. Also, he's a fucking dragon. Now, we can throw our own men at him, but we will just die.
You are a holy order, and you are here to protect us from evil. Yeah. So what we are asking for is a truce, potentially an alliance, but I will happily, and Perry here is happy, to settle for a truce that we take down Eden. And if you help us with the blood cult, even though we can definitely do it by ourselves. Definitely do it by ourselves. I don't need help with the blood cult. But it would make it easier if we got help from the sabers. Perhaps when the dust settles. We agree.
to peace talks, to negotiations, that together maybe we can take out the orcs at the docks. Maybe even, I'm on very, very good terms with the dwarven commodore, that we can take back the docks, and then once and for all, Jaren's outpost can know peace, and we can finally get back to how things used to be. So, several points. First one, you're not the only one with dwarven friends. I also happen to know the commodore. Incidentally, he wishes to, your Leo shadow? Yes. He wishes to tell you that he unfortunately cannot save.
He also informed me that the orcs are not actually massing at the gates for an invasion. They're massing at the gates because they are slowly making their way into Damien Eaton's compound. They have, I assume, reached some sort of agreement together. So the orcs and Eaton are working together. Well then, I guess we'll be the Damien Eaton to your orcs then. So, I offer you two solutions to your sabers problem. The first solution, your champion, I assume you, will face our champion, me, in a single round of fair combat. Not to the death, just to the winner.
if we win we remain and we get to do whatever we want to do without worrying about your town guard busying us don't worry we won't break any local laws but we're here to stay if you win in this little round of combat we leave gone out of your hair forever alternatively You can swear allegiance to our god, Lady Willow. If you do that, I will swear an oath of allegiance to you. I will obey your every order and your every action so long as it falls within the purview of Lady Willow. That means that we will back off from the gnomes, not seek their weapon, and we will help you against the blood cult, against Eton, against the orcs, to the best of our ability. So right now you want a fight one-on-one. I assume he's going to take the fight, but I offer you the option to convert to our faith. Clara stiffens when the idea of converting pops up. Rock, even if we win, we lose.
What if we change the terms of the fight? Two. If I win, you have to help us before you leave. I find that unacceptable. What are the tenets of Lady Willow? There are three tenets. The first one is you must uphold the good. So, a very broad statement. A lot of flexibility there. The second one is you must protect the innocent. No innocent non-combatant can come to harm under your command.
And the third is, you must respect Lady Willow's commandments. So, a convert of Lady Willow may sometimes get messages directly from the lady. You must obey them. Regardless, I understand that she inspects her fingers as she says this. I understand that conscripts was not our best idea. I was going with the dumbest idea you've ever had, you dumb woman. What was your name again, sorry? Evelyn Plain. Paladin Commander Evelyn Plain. Like I said, Evelyn Plain. Evelyn Plain, you've given us a no-win situation. If I convert, you work with me and follow every order I give. Provided.
It is under those three tenets, to the letter, and in the spirit that you gave the order. That's pretty much what we're doing anyway. Can I have a moment to talk with my council? Absolutely. She waves and all of her soldiers back off to give you guys room to talk. I really want to fight her. I know. I fucking knew you would. Clara says, fight her. No. This is the best way to get them out of here. Is there anything you can do about the undead? Well, we're not bad at fighting them, but we're not this militarized force. They'll do a lot better a job than we ever could. I'm sorry, Clara, but if they leave, we might just be sending the best thing that we have against Satan. If you have any secret weapons, any god powers, anything...
Now's the time to tell us about it, because at the moment, the sabers are the best shot we have. The only thing we're hiding is about 100 gnomes beneath our temple. And we can't throw them at the undead. Well, we could. But, like, you know, they're going to do much. Perry, if you convert, this Evelyn plane will swear allegiance to you. You can then say, fine, you only get a certain section of this city. You can say she gets no section of this city. I can tell her to leave. You can then tell her to leave. I can command all the sabers to leave. If you wanted to. And then just give up my conversion. Well, then you have a problem. Yeah. But they're gone.
But Lady Willow will know and Lady Willow will inform Evelyn. Because Lady Willow, gods are real. And you don't want these people sieging this town after we maybe have just gotten this back. Our best option here, and I know you don't want to do this, is to convert. I want to fight this so bad. Fight and then convert. Hey, can I fight and then convert? I mean, like, I suppose, yeah. What will that achieve? If you get a good fight, then you can convert.
Well... Why can't I undergo shared terms with Lady... Lady Willow? No, Evelyn. Oh, Evelyn Plain? Yeah. Wait, what? Why wouldn't she accept my bloody... If I bet you, you have to do what I say. That's not how it works. Clara says, it's a smaller tenant, but it's within their big list of tenants that a paladin cannot accept orders from anyone other than Lady Willow herself or a fellow convert.
What if you convert? I'll happily convert. Yo, Evelyn. Yes? What if Leo converts? Is Leo the captain of the town guard? I'm a deputy. He's the deputy. Make him captain for a bit. Whatever, I'm not there. What if I made him captain? In charge. Permanently. My eyes go very wide. Until he dies. My eyes go wider. What a loaded statement. Fuck. No. I only extend this offer to you because of your reputation. I will only accept your conversion. If we fight her and win, we lose. If we fight her and lose, we lose.
Don't you understand this? No, no, we don't. I don't have to leave. It just keeps the status quo, really. Yeah, but they're not the only hope. They're just the best hope. They'll also take out the zombies, because I imagine it will come for them, too. They're not in position to fight them, though. The zombies will swarm a lot of the town first. And she's already gotten up on a fucking high horse and said that they won't do anything to help. Clara? Hmm? Do you remember? I wasn't great at church. Let's not beat around it. Gragia was the religious one. I'm kind of just there. But that'd be fair. Clara starts, not staring at you, but staring just over your shoulder like a dead expression. Yes? And the...
Sometimes a good man has to make what sounds like the wrong decision for the right reasons. Do what you need to do. Evelyn. Yes? I can't believe I'm about to say this. Sign me up. Evelyn smiles. It's not like a cocky smile or a smirk or anything like that. She smiles genuinely and warmly for the first time that you've ever seen her. She seems happy. Yeah, I'd love to.
I still don't like you. We don't have to like each other to work together. She's got a point. Yeah, not fair. I don't like you much either, but I do respect you. All right. Do you want me to convert or like? Doesn't matter. All right. We don't need the little one to convert. Okay. Fuck, that was such a hard decision over something that is just not real.
An imaginary religion. Oh, fuck, I got so sweaty. Bring it on, bring it on. You're taken to a small chapel within the quake. A select group of people are arranged here. Clara sits right up the back, arms forward, pouting. Quite upset. I'll be next to Clara. I'm so sorry. A bowl of a light blue flaming is brought out by the priest. He wears deep, beautiful blue and purple robes. He says, I. I. Periwinkle O'Rourke. Commander of? Commander of the town guard of Jaron's outpost. Hereby swear.
Hereby swear. That I will follow all tenets laid down for me by Lady Willow. That I will follow all tenets laid down for me by Lady Willow. I will be honorable. I will be honorable. I will be just. I will be just. I will be caring when needed. I will be caring when needed. I will be brave when called upon. I will be brave when called upon. And above all. Above all. I will be a just man. I will be a just man. A fair ruler. A fair ruler. Dunk your head. Dunk your head. Oh, you want me to do it? Please. Baringle dunks his head.
The water is warm. It feels like it should be so hot, but it's just a gentle warmness. When you come back up, you feel an energy within you, something like a wind entering your lungs, filling you up. You feel strong. You feel brave. Rise, convert. What is your name? Periwinkle O'Rourke. Commander. Of the town guards of Jaron Outpost? You are reborn. Okay. He just used for you to turn around. You turn around. The small gathering of the subcommanders and Evelyn all start giving you a little applause.
I just stare at Clara the whole time. She looks five feet above your head. Evelyn gets up. She draws her sword, lays it at your feet, and kneels before you on the altar as the cleric behind you rests a small crown on your brow. Oh, I have a pretty crown now. Oh, hello, ladies. The cleric says, you may draw your sword and knight her. Feel free to utter whatever oath you think appropriate. I don't use silver steel. His command wouldn't be okay with that. I'm going to go pop my gauntlets.
And just put them on her shoulders? I swear to you, she looks up, I will be your faithful servant, as you are Lady Willows. Good. She knows. That's good shit. Everyone stands off and begins applauding. She gets up, picks up her sword, and sheets it. What do you command? I command you to help us take down Eton. Where would you have us? We're going to storm the keep. She turns around to her subcommanders, make the preparations. They rush off. And release the conscripts. Oh, shit, yeah. And step away from the gnomes. Well, yes, we'll be redeploying those troops. Good.
From the keep, from this small chapel, you look out through the window and you can see that the battle lines around the gnomish section are already disappeared. It looks like they were gone before you even had the conversation with Evel. Fuck. Gotcha. All right. I'm now a saber. Yeah. Give me a thumbs up. Is one of the tenants that I have to like being a saber? You're not a saber, she says. You're merely a follower of Lady Willow. We are sabers. Good. All right. We leave. Go back to the town's guard.
You notice on your way back to Sabre Knights, flank you on either side as a vanguard. You don't need to do that. Is Clara like 10 metres away? Clara will not step within any feet of them. Clara, like me, do you want to go back to the chapel and try to arrange the gnomes? Absolutely. You get as far as, do you want to go back? And she says yes. You do that. I'll go to the town guard. We'll rally together and we'll start trying to clear out as many blood cults as we can on the way to the Shorefoots. I'm coming with you. Okay. Clara can just go organise the gnomes. Clara, before you go, look at me.
She doesn't. Unfortunately, I'm not your militaristic puppet. I'm not asking you as a militaristic puppet. I'm asking you as a friend. She looks at you. Do you want a piece? Not at any cost. Unfortunately, peace always has a cost. She nods. All right, then. Tell Gregor I'm okay. I will.
All right, let's go fuck up some shore for us. Do you have plans? Do you have a plot? Or are you just going to go drink? Well, here's the thing, you know, I've got no more frats on me life. I've eaten, yeah, but that's been taken care of. But remember, your shadow dies, you die. No one's attacking me shadow currently. That's true. I assume you get to the pub without plots. Yeah, I don't really have any plots anymore.
I'm largely schemeless. I think because we put you in the truce and just took everything away from you, you went, fucking thanks. Well, I won it. You only got the one ship that someone else has, I suppose. Who do I have to betray? Left. What do I get out of betraying these two? Nothing. When you're walking towards the park, I'm so sorry, Pierce, you have to walk through a small little park area that's kind of shaded and isolated. Wednesday's with you, though. Wednesday, who is walking behind you, you hear him say, oh, you hear the sound of a weapon being drawn. You spin around. Wednesday is slowly drawing his sword. He says, oh, the quiet knives give you their regards. Oh.
Can I say it was the mole? I thought the quiet knives had been taken care of, but I guess not. He tries to stab you. Ah! Ah! Pierce, you take five points of damage. I'll fight this guy in the park. That's fine. Wait, if I attack with invisibility on a... Yeah, it ruins it. Confusion. Less confusion.
I do just enjoy that. You were like, no, I'm just going to have a good time. I think as soon as the words I'm going to have a good time come out of your mouth. I'm sorry, Greg Piss. I'm afraid I can't do that. I can't let you have a good time, Greg Piss. I'm sorry, Piss, but I can't let you do that. Adam, open the... I'm sorry, Piss. You see the effects of lesser confusion pass over Wednesday's face? He just turns around and sprints away from you. Oh, right. He's leaving? Well, that's what the confusion has affected him. When somebody's got feel, are they running to a specific place? They just run away from the cast room.
Yeah, I'll chase him down. I'm going to beat the shit out of him with my loot. You chase after him. You swing, but he's running too fast. It's his turn. Everyone else has been fucking pretty, you know, on a level. He keeps running. You run after him. Take a soul. Take a shadow. I have a quiet night to have to get surgical with it. That's just gratuitous. He stops and starts... Side of the head. You clock it. He goes down. He's not dead. He's just knocked out cold. Bleeding on the ground. Oh, sweet. Do I have anything to tie him off with? He has handcuffs. I'll cuff him. I'll cuff him around a tree. Cuff him around a tree. Stabilise him. He's fine. All right. I'll wait for him to wake up. Eventually, after a little while, he wakes up.
Where are the quiet knives? I don't know. You'll have to beat it out of me, I suppose. That's a weird proposition. Yeah, beat it out of me. You've made it uncomfortable for the both of us. Maybe for you. Right. Well, so you're just not going to tell me? I just don't know. Yeah, well, just chum person on him. It didn't work. Right. Is it just you? Yeah. All right, so you're the only one. Does that seem like he's telling the truth? Yeah, he believed it straight away. Fuck, that was good. You can't tell. He could be telling the truth, though.
Keep charming, mate. Yeah, cha-cha person again. I can brute force this. He shakes his head. Your little spells don't work on me, mate. Let's try one more time. I like how they come with finger guns. He, like, blanks out for a second.
Hey, it's Kat Nat from Kat Nat Unfiltered. You know what matters most to us when cooking for our family's freshness. That's why we always choose Metro. Their produce is hand-picked, their bread is baked in store, and their butcher's custom-cut meat to our exact needs. Freshness is the thing that can make a simple meal simply amazing or turn an ordinary bite into an extraordinary night. At Metro, fresh matters because fresh changes everything. Find fresh meals and deals at your local Metro.
Hey, it's Kat Nat from Kat Nat Unfiltered. You know what matters most to us when cooking for our family's freshness. That's why we always choose Metro. Their produce is handpicked, their bread is baked in store, and their butchers custom cut meat to our exact needs. Freshness is the thing that can make a simple meal simply amazing or turn an ordinary bite into an extraordinary night. At Metro, fresh matters because fresh changes everything. Find fresh meals and deals at your local Metro.
Can I help you? Right. Oh, and the sarcastic can help you, was it? No, it seems genuine this time. Cool. Do I know where these dickheads have gone? Presumably to talk with the sabres. They did mention it a couple times. Yeah, right, right, right. Well, I'll uncuff him from the tree and then cuff him. He grabs his sword and attacks you. Ah, goddammit, got me good. On your Wednesday, I knew there was a reason I liked you. He tries to stab upwards, but you dodge out of the way. I'll cast Invisibility on myself. All right, take a step back, cast Invisibility. He tries to swing where he thinks you are. He has nothing but air. I'd like to climb a tree.
All right. He keeps searching for you, but eventually you're up the train. Cool. Eventually he stops swinging, sheathes his sword, looks around, and then he heads off. Cool. I will sneakily follow him to see where the hell his destination's going to be.
I got something of a bone to pick with the Quiet Knives. Funnily enough, they probably have several bones to pick with you. They're going to take them out. Yeah. He's like walking just through the city. He gets to a tavern somewhere in the Blood Cult area. It's getting, it's kind of quiet here. Like, not suspiciously so. It just like, looks like maybe the Blood Cult's starting to burn themselves out. Yep. He finds a tavern. The Lucky Duck enters in there. Can I see it through the window? Who's in the tavern? The tavern's pretty sparse. Out there at the front of the tavern or around the side or anything, is there like one of the Quiet Knife vehicles? Because I feel like I'd recognize that if I'm recognizing anything. Yeah. Around the back, you spot a carriage that you know belongs to one of them. Does it seem like it's occupied? There's a driver sitting on it. Why not?
Round the corner. Charmed person. The guy like stiffens suddenly, turns around. Who's there? Just a friend passing by. Oh, yeah. Yeah, right. Doesn't seem like I've got him. Yeah. Oh, right. Swap clothes with me.
Excuse me? Yeah, can we swap clothes? You're much larger than me, mate. Yeah, well, we'll figure it out. He starts unbuttoning his shirt and stuff like that. Cool. I'd like to swap as much clothes with him so that I look a little bit like him. You can't put his clothes on. He's a half-longer human. Ah, damn. I'm too short. All right, well, fuck off. It's my carriage now. Go take a piss. Yeah, yeah, fair. He takes out like a cigarette later as he walks away. Cool. I'd like to cast all the cell for myself. Make myself look like that guy. Get in front of the carriage. Now I can wear his clothes. Nobody makes myself look like him. I realize I didn't need to swap clothes with him. The back door to the tavern opens and two quiet knights you recognize come out.
One of them has this wicked scar down the side of his face, and you can tell that he is with Papa Quietknife, the leader of the Quietknife family. Wonderful. Papa Quietknife has a dagger in one hand and a handkerchief in the other, both of which are slightly bloody, and he's wiping the dagger off with his handkerchief. Cool. Kill Wednesday? Probably. They're talking in... Do you know Halfling? No. I'm in an Orcish. They're talking in Halfling. You don't understand. Why do you know Orcish? I don't know. They both hop into the carriage. In the streets, yeah. And the one with the scar, as he hops into the carriage, he looks at you and says something in Halfling. I should give him a nod with my hand. Like, tip my hand at him, give him a nod, don't say anything. All right, they're better climbing.
All right. Where are we, by the way? You're in the blood cults. Show me the map. Yeah, yeah. Point exactly. Okay. Who's in the docks? The docks like a bed. Where's it going to be unoccupied? Hopefully the gnomish city. You know what? I'm just going to get the horses going full pelt at a wall and then leap out. Horses aren't that dumb. They'll stop before they get to a wall. Can I go full pelt at a wall and unhitch the horses?
What's the purpose here? Tell me what you want to do, and I'll try to help you with it. I'm just kind of trying to get rid of Papa Quintana. Originally, I wanted to perform surgery on him, but I can't think of a way to get in that position, so... Well, you can try to bar the doors from the outside. Oh, I can lock them. There's no lock on the outside, actually, but if you found a way to... You could try barring the doors from the outside. Yeah, all right. Park next to a wall. That's true. Yeah, Radio, I'll back into that really tight alleyway. All right. You hear angry voices in half length. You hear angry voices in half length from inside the carriage. Mm-hmm. Then both of the doors, like, open, but they can't open fully, so it's like bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. Radio, I'm going to cause confusion. See if I just kill each other. Nice.
Just to be so good as this was that the demise of the Aquinas was murdered, waged in an alley. One of the windows pops out. Papa Quietknife sticks his head out. Oh, it sticks as much of his head as he can get out of the window. And you hear him yammering and halfling trying to point at you. He doesn't finish whatever sentence he's trying to say when a rapier skewers him straight through the head and then slides out. Papa Quietknife's eyes roll into the back of his head and he slumps into the carriage. Oh, that's amazing. Sweet. All right, I'm just going to hop off at the pub. No, actually, I'm back to the police station, so I should tell the fellas that there's a mole in the system. You want to hope when you get there Wednesday in there.
Yeah, well, I'll be like, who are you working for anymore? Top of a quiet knife is dead. Stabbed by his own man, I heard. I heard. Periwinkle and... Periwinkle and Leo, where are you guys headed? Where did he get to the town guard? You get into the town guard headquarters. Greg Pierce is sitting at a desk next to a very angry-looking duty sergeant who refuses to acknowledge his presence. I'd like to be talking to him. I've never had a banana. Pierce, what the fuck are you doing here? Well, as me and your good mate Wednesday, we're walking to a pub. He threw a knife on me or a sword on me. Wednesday. Wednesday, that's the one.
Can I look at the paladins that have a... Do you guys know his own truth? One of them puts up his hand. Can you just give his own truth, Pierce? It just seems like distrust. I look at you, Pierce, like, come on. Is Wednesday a mole? As far as I can tell, yes, he absolutely is. And he wasn't clear on it, but there might be others.
To be honest, I always thought there was a mole in the Little O's, so I don't know if Little O had a mole in the police force. Who was Little O's mole in the police force? I actually don't know. Do I know, Adam? No. What happened next? He went to a pub. Which one? Lucky Duck. Lucky Duck. Alright. That is a criminal pub. And then what happened? No town guards person would go to the Lucky Duck if it wasn't to see it quite nice though. And then what happened? Fuck.
Then I took out Papa Quietknife and here we are. Wait, you killed Papa Quietknife? No, actually, he was killed by a... So he's dead? He's dead, yeah. Oh, thank Christ. Where is he? I suppose he'd be in a carriage between two buildings somewhere. Oh, thank God. Can I give you a hug? Yeah, I'll give you back. Oh, thank you. He's not afraid of male affection. We can give a good old hug. That's a lot of love. Anyway, we're going over the shore for us. Have you heard back from your weird ghost elf? No, I don't know what's happening there.
I did not have a link with him. I was going to say, if he was following Papa Shawfoot, surely we could have tracked him, followed where he went. That would have been clever. Well, we didn't think of that, did we? No, we didn't. I should have probably... Yeah, right there. That's not us. That's not us. Okay, we're going to go fuck up the Bloodcolds. You coming with us? Bloodcolds? Well, on the way to the Shawfoords. Then we'll go to the Shawfoords. I'll stay with you safe and don't be anywhere else. It's night time. Do you guys want to do this tonight? Yes, of course. All right, I gather some town guard with us as well. You gather a small force to fight with you. So, while the Shawfoot family is maybe now 80 strong...
Plus blood cults. You have no idea how many converts or how many people they have. But in about a day, they've lost their three leaders. So they're starting to fragment pretty heavily. Who was their third? Brother Skip Tarkinson. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got him. Nicely done. You're welcome. We killed all the fight. Love that. Well, one of them's in jail. It'll cough. Yes. How many town guard would you like?
Probably don't need... Let's call it... We've got one of the sabre soldiers to do with us. The other guy... We can call for some more of the sabres. We could. They're about a thousand strong. I don't want to. I'd rather just keep one sabre with us and we'll use the town guard to take out the halflings. So maybe ten? Ten? Yeah. There's going to be 80 family members. Oh, let's take 120 of the town guard. 120 sounds like a decent number. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're good. Considering, like, some of them are going to be required to... If I'm not leading the city, you're my advisor, Leo, because I'm bad at math. That's okay. That's all right. Ten is...
Bigger than 80? I just assumed that I would downnumber people. Yeah, 120 of us. Maybe take about four of the sabres with us just in case. They're pretty good. If you take paladins and clerics, they can heal you. Yeah, so we'll take a couple of them. So you get Evelyn and maybe just three regular knights. Evelyn asks if she can come with. I kind of would prefer her to be leading the troops back at Eaton's Wall. She nods. All right then.
She switches out for the cleric that baptises you. Great, so he can do us. Baptised you. Cool, cool, cool. Get a baptism every day. His name's Gavin, yeah? Yes. 120 members of the town guard assemble with shields, swords, and torches to march on the... Shelford Department. Yeah, to march on the Shelford Department and by extension the Blood Cultists.
So you start moving through that section of town, clearing it as you go. You meet very little resistance. Every now and then there's like a group of people in blood red robes gathered together with like makeshift weaponry. Some of them might have like a sickle or an actual weapon, but it's all just like these people are either the peasantry who have been brainwashed or upper echelons of society who don't know how to fight. So the resistance they put up is largely minimal. This awful cult that has been plaguing you since...
long before any of this happened. This was almost a state-sponsored cult back when King Goldcrest was in charge here, because he was happy for the people to kill themselves so long as they didn't fight him or his governor. This awful stain upon the history of Jaron's outpost is exterminated in a single night. Are you arresting him or just kill? Like your orders are to kill? Fuck. So many of these decisions are now important. You're well within your rights to do this. These people, if they were put in the court of law, would all be sentenced as guilty and death. However, maybe we should do that court of law first. Nah. We're not doing that for sure.
If we do it for them, it means we have to do it for Papa Shawfoot. Can't make your decisions like that. And maybe we should do it for Papa Shawfoot. Fuck, he believes this permanently. Ah, damn. Cleric shooter steps forward and says, Milord, I believe that either way, you are righteous. I was assuming we were going to kill the blood cultists. Why don't you want to kill the blood cultists, Leo? Because then we're no better than everyone else that's taken this town. You're no better than fucking King Goldcrest that had this town. There was no jury. There was no judgment. He makes a point. Killing. And if you then do this, it's just a cycle and a cycle. All right, we'll detain them. Then what's it for? But if they fight, we'll fight back. Detaining them means that you're going to be losing a lot of your number just to hold them. Frankly, it's not worth it.
Frankly, the top always looks roughly the same. Yeah, aren't you, Greg? Yeah, I'm walking around like Marilyn. I'm Greg just because we need these guys to take out the shorefoots. We don't need them to take out the shorefoots. The top never changes, Leo. That's life. The top never changes and there's going to be three more fuckwits who are basically us in about ten more years that are toppling us out. We can change and it starts here. Yep.
No, no, not to the change, to the first part. Periwinkle is chaotic good. If you're going to be leading this town, do you really want to do the same mistakes that King Goldcrest did? Can we try to avoid them? We can try to avoid them. Well, we can arrest them. Sometimes, but some of them will just, because you're on their turf, some of them will just come out and attack. Can we just incapacitate them? We can incapacitate them. Leaving them broken and bloodied and unconscious on the city streets is basically killing them. Here's the problem, Periwinkle, mate, is that Leoia works in absolutes, but the world doesn't. Tonight, you can kill them, and then tomorrow, or the next day, when you start your reign properly.
You're doing a court with the next people. I don't like that you called it a reign. Oh, whatever. Whatever you're in charge. Every man in charge is a king. You're going to decide what type of government you want. Oh, God. You could be a king. You could be a president. I like to think that Periwinkle O'Rourke is Mayor Sheriff. Yes, the Mayor-if. That's what Periwinkle's think. Look, I mean, some of these are brainwashed. Some of these people don't know any better. If they go to court, though, they'll get executed. And that's on the course of the side, which you will decide. But right now... Seems like you're adding extra steps, but it's your choice. Can I use 20 men to try to arrest?
20 men is not going to hold the blood cold. If I said 20 towns got... Welcome back to Fresh Matters, where we discuss matters of freshness. I'm the grossier here with Kat from Metro. Kat, your produce is impeccable. We have high standards. We... Meat is custom cut on site, am I very delight? Yep, it's important that we... And the baked goods? More like baked grates. Fresh in store every day. So at Metro you would say fresh. Matters? It does! Find fresh meals and deals at Metro!
Hey, it's Kat Nat from Kat Nat Unfiltered. You know what matters most to us when cooking for our families? Freshness. That's why we always choose Metro. Their produce is hand-picked, their bread is baked in store, and their butchers custom-cut meat to our exact needs. Freshness is a thing that can make a simple meal simply amazing or turn an ordinary bite into an extraordinary night. At Metro, fresh matters because fresh changes everything. Find fresh meals and deals at your local Metro. I'm working with a group of, say, 20 Sabres. Would that be enough? 20 Sabres is enough. The town's guard are not trained warriors like the Sabres are. Okay.
Those 1,000 sabres are worth maybe 10, 15 times their number in Town Guard. Well, you say that, Town Guard got a lot more heart. I've got to where it counts. We'll get the sabres to arrest these people, and we'll continue on to the top of Shorefoot's place. 20 knights, paladins, warriors, fighters, whatever you will, from the sabres arrive on scene. They begin helping you guys. Just a number of bodies are needed to just round them up, but to keep them contained, only 20 sabres. They contain them all like lock and key.
under lock and key, in the Lucky Duck, we'll say. Great. Perfect. They're all put in there, and the sabers are good to look after them. Every now and then, someone will, like, come out of a side street and charge you in blood-red robes wielding a mace, or maybe sometimes, like, just a completely nude person will get up off the street and try to stab you. But there are small incidents that are quickly, like, subdued and then taken away. All right. Off we go. Eventually, you come to the complex, where up at the top level, that Shorefoot apartment is. All right. At the bottom level, there's just, like, vagrants have collected at the base. They part scared as you approach.
Let's do this. You get to the front doors to go in. The doors open up and out steps a bunch of Surefoots. None of them are armed. One of them is waving a white flag. You're all under arrest. That one drops the white flag. From in between them, Papa Surefoot comes out. He holds his hands out.
This looks heaps like a trick. This looks way like a trick. Hey, Papa Shawfoot. Can you do anything to test if it's a trick? I kind of have a bit of a squiz, bit of a scan, read the situation. You don't see any hidden people. The vagrants are all here, but they're, like, retreated to such a distance that... What colours are vagrants here? All different colours. The vagrants have retreated to such a distance that they don't look like there'd be any use in a fight by the time they got here. Papa Shawfoot has a very sour expression. I think he just knows the jig is up.
And if this had been happened, like, a day ago, I would be the first to put my knife through his head. But you deputize me, and this badge means something. I can put my knife through his head. If I'm to be arrested, I'd like to be arrested by the halfling, then. Or by you. Definitely not by the one who just said he'd put a knife through my head. How many shorefoots inside the apartment? All 80 of us are ready to come out, but they're waiting for you to arrest me first. I get some handcuffs. No, no, no. I need to do this one. I get my handcuffs, I place them on pub shorefoot. After the courts have all said and done, I hope, um, there's no ill will between us.
Oh, man. Your sword burns at yourself. Oh, I know. I know. Lucky you got me on a good day, Shawfoot. Here's some more good days, then. Oh, no, you get one good day. And that's today. Oh, that's unfortunate. The other Shawfoots slowly come out of the building and are all arrested, unless you order them massacres. No, no, no, they're arrested. All right. Just before I take away Papa Shawfoot, I headbutt him really hard. Police brutality. You knock him out, Gold. Good. Take him away. He's taken away. That was easy. And I'm scared. Cleric Shooter stands next to you and says, I think what you did was good. How are you, Perry?
I'm going to need a minute. Very well then, my lord. I just walk around the corner and you just hear some beings going, walkish for fuck. I just come back. A runner from the sabers approaches you. He's wearing just like a tunic and shorts, no armor or weapons or anything like that, just to keep him light so that he can run. His tunic is blazoned with the sabers' sigil, though. And when he comes up, he has a letter. He's initially about to give it to the cleric, but then he sees you and gives it to you. My lord, a missive from a sub-commander sent to protect your family.
He's asking for a clarification of orders. He was sent by Evelyn to just check on your family, make sure they're all right. But your wife, Gragir, has shut the door in their face and refuses to open it. No, that's fair. What should I tell the subcommander? Tell him that they'll be safe with Ian. And if he keeps the watch from a distance...
Relief for him. Yeah. Yes, my lord. He runs off. You've got a lot of power, Barry. I do. My wife hates me, though. What's the plan now? We have to join the rest of the forces around Eden's place. This is on two hit points, just as an FYI. So, um... Could do it for now, if I'm perfectly honest with you. Yes, you can use this, yeah? I'll throw you the wand. It's got three charges. Bam, bam, bam. All three charges. You recover. Are you going to the Little O's? Yeah. I'll come with you. I just realised there's something that I haven't wiped away yet. There's another thing I've got to take care of. Oh, no, hang on. Oh, quite nice had my halfling down, didn't they? Yeah. Oh, cool. Then I go with my rock.
The Shorefoot said that they were going to buy it up for you, but they hadn't done that. So killing Papa Quietknife, wipe away the dirt. Fuck yes. Periwinkle and Pierce, you join the Sabres on the front line. They've set up a makeshift barricade, just like Mama used to make. Little Little? No, they've set up makeshift barricades all along the fighting lines here. And when you get there, Evelyn informs you, we've also set up barricades on the other side where the dwarves made holes in the walls, just to prevent their exit that way. A subcommander over there has informed me that that's probably our best mode of ingress, but you can also see many bodies laid out.
I'm not sure how long or how hard this raising the dead spell will be to do, but after he's done it, we'll be able to identify what it is and how to combat it best. What if we burn the dead bodies? We could certainly try, but I don't know how we'd do that. All right, well, I don't went with the savers. I went with the town guard. Have I taken the crown off? I assume the crown's gone. You can take it off if you want.
Yeah, I feel like a pair of people wouldn't wear a crown. I'll just put it in my pocket. I'll give it to one of my kids. Yeah, Sweatrock will love that fucking crown. Oh, Sweatrock. What a good name. Sweatrock's the smart one. Yeah. Perhaps Evelyn, before you leave her council's view, I would advise that we wait for Sunup. There's not a lot of human enemies that we're going to have to fight, but it's best to strike at dawn when the enemy has had the least amount of sleep and when the sun will be in their eyes. Great. All right. I wait with my town guard, boys. I'm going to see how Little Little is going. I'll chat with O'Rourke. You want to wait for Sunrise? Yeah. In that case... Yes, you can sit a bit further away. We're not friends. Leo, you find Little Little. The Little Little family have set up kind of a makeshift headquarters in a back alley.
Little Little. I kind of wave as I sort of walk towards. Little Little turns around. He's sitting at a table with a bunch of other, you know, as high-ranking halflings within the Little Little family. Looks like maybe he's trying to form a new, like, council and stuff. I kind of gestured. Do you mind if I join? He waves. Come on over. I kind of sit down. There's always a chair at this table for you. Did the runner find you? He holds up the ring.
Good. So I've got some good news. Papa, quiet knife. Dead. Dead. And we've arrested Papa Shawfoot. Also, I'm one of the town guard. Yeah, I noticed that. So where do you think your loyalties lie? Right now, I'm just here to uphold the peace. And whilst things are still kind of up in the air at the moment, is there anything that you guys need? I'll always be part of the family, and while maybe in the future...
I maybe not actively help you, I might be able to turn some blind eyes. This isn't Papa Little, are you, Chatty? No, this is Little Little. New lines are being drawn in the sand, Leo. You're either in the family or you're out. Well, it depends what you want me to do. Well, basically be our mole. With Wednesday dead. We don't have one anymore. Twist! But Wednesday was working for the quiet nights. That man was so full of holes, you might as well have called him the worst ship in the world.
Well, there's anything that I can do right now. He finishes the spaghetti. Puts down the bowl on the fork. That's not what we need right now. Unless maybe you could slip us some keys to the cells that Shorefoot's going to be kept in. Little, little. They took Perry's wife. They took Flip Sham. But maybe it's time for me to go clean. He puts his hands on the table. You can be deputized. You can become sub-commander. Hell, you can become commander. But...
You are never going to be clean. Grease boy. Slam dunk. You will always, always be our grease boy. Get up and leave. Good luck. Same to you. If you ever need help rebuilding Little Tegel Eye, let me know. See you around.
You get back, like, maybe a couple hours before dawn. You, Leo, are the only one who hasn't really slept properly, because you've been up pretty much all night. But I assume the rest of you have caught some... Yeah, a couple of Zs. The dragon, as the sun rises, swivels its head off the castle and surveys the city. It opens its mouth, and in a loud, blooming voice that can be heard from Gnomes and Pennies area, from where the gnomes live, to down through the old blood cultist section, the town militia, the sabre's fort, and, of course, right in front of the keep's walls.
Do you think you can win, little people? What do you think, because you are so many that perhaps you have a chance? You are but insects to me. This city, it slowly spreads its wings, is mine, and I am its god. He reaches up as the sun is rising with one of its wicked, awful paws. The sunlight strikes the paw, and then an awful black energy fades the inside of the citadel. Evelyn, you hear her from down the line screaming, He's doing it! He's raising them! To arms! Swords are drawn. I look at both my arms. From the distance, you hear...
coming from behind you back at the north end of the city. You whip around and in the vague distance you can see a giant structure floating through the sky. Two bolts of energy flung from the giant structure strike the citadel just below where the dragon is. The dragon roars and launches off the citadel, completing its spell. That's a zeppelin.
What's a zeppelin? The zeppelin is enormous. Usually, when you look at a zeppelin, you see maybe the big balloon and a tiny little undercoach. This is flipped. The balloon is still gigantic, massive, elongated and slightly misshapen, but an actual, honest-to-God castle is strapped to the bottom of the balloon. Wow, gnomes, what are you doing? The castle bristles with ballistae and catapults, which begin flinging projectiles towards the dragon. Well, I turn to my men and I say...
Time for motivational speech, I guess. Would you like a moment to write one down? We'll all be quiet. No, no, no. I reckon I can just wing it. It's not very long, because everyone doesn't do long speeches. Go for it. It's like, all right, you heard the man. He's big. We're little. We're insects. Have you ever been stung by a bee before? Fuck. Even the biggest motherfucker is weak for the smallest bee. Goggles stands up next to you, holds his dwarven hammer aloft, and says, Let us swarm!
Take the chest. Let's go. You assault the wolf. Hey, it's Kat Nat from Kat Nat Unfiltered. You know what matters most to us when cooking for our family's freshness. That's why we always choose Metro. Their produce is hand-picked, their bread is baked in store, and their butchers custom-cut meat to our exact needs. Freshness is the thing that can make a simple meal simply amazing or turn an ordinary bite into an extraordinary night. At Metro, fresh matters because fresh changes everything. Find fresh meals and deals at your local Metro.
Welcome back to Fresh Matters, where we discuss matters of freshness. I'm the grossier here with Kat from Metro. Kat, your produce is impeccable. We have high standards. Meat is custom cut on site to my very delight. Yep, it's important that we... And the baked goods? More like baked grates. Fresh in store every day. So at Metro you would say fresh. Matters? It does! Find fresh meals and deals at Metro!