Hey, it's Kat Nat from Kat Nat Unfiltered. You know what matters most to us when cooking for our family's freshness. That's why we always choose Metro. Their produce is hand-picked, their bread is baked in store, and their butchers custom-cut meat to our exact needs. Freshness is the thing that can make a simple meal simply amazing or turn an ordinary bite into an extraordinary night. At Metro, fresh matters because fresh changes everything. Find fresh meals and deals at your local Metro.
Welcome back to Fresh Matters, where we discuss matters of freshness. I'm the grossier here with Kat from Metro. Kat, your produce is impeccable. We have high standards. Meat is custom cut on site to my very delight. Yep, it's important that we... And the baked goods? More like baked grates. Fresh in store every day. So at Metro you would say fresh. Matters? It does! Find fresh meals and deals at Metro!
Jaren's Outpost is a bustling city located in the nation of Goldcrest. A nation that nobody cared about until the king was slain by a bunch of adventurers. Unfortunately, adventurers did what adventurers do, and they didn't think of the consequences of killing a powerful tyrant, and they promptly left the citizens of Goldcrest to figure it out for themselves. For now, Jaren's Outpost is a melting pot of religions, criminals, politics, and paranoia, with everyone keeping everyone else in check. But all that's about to change. Welcome to the enhanced edition of Jaren's Outpost.
So, I don't know how to make this sound properly or accurately, but I'm assuming if I say the sound of a dragon roaring in the distance, you guys could all, like, sort of know what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The sound is roughly coming from where Rhodes Keep is, and you have all heard rumour that Damien Eaton had a pet dragon. Interesting. Maybe that's bad. Time out on this conversation about weapon. Yeah. What the fuck was that? I want to hypothesise. Well, just dragon. Do you know what warehouse or where the weapon is here on the docks? That's why I'm here. Just trying to find out. Do we even know where the weapon might be? You could guess. There are, like, a couple easy guesses.
The orc camp is made up of a couple of the freestanding buildings that were in the docks. You can see that there's maybe five old buildings, buildings that were actually part of the town, not orcish tents. All of them are made of stone, and you fancy that all of them would be good defensive places or a good place to stash something valuable. Right. How many pieces has the weapon broken into? You don't know. In addition to that, there is also a very large orcish tent that is quite clearly where the chieftain would reside or where they hold big meetings. That might be a place to check. Right. You don't need the weapon. That's great. You can help me. You can help me. That's good. You said you want what now?
I want the weapon. All right. Why come? Yeah. I ain't working with you unless you tell me why you need a weapon, lad. I don't want to work with you. Well, I know a lot about you, Greg Piss. Right now, the gnomes are planning something. It looks like everyone chose tonight to do something. All right, sorry. Damien Eaton is obviously planning something. You don't know if you have the time to necessarily, like, bicker about why... Harry Winkle. Nice to meet you. Anyway, so, how about this?
The dragon roar is heard again. Why don't we, since things seem depressing, how about, look, I need the weapon, Greg Piss is going to help me with the weapon, you need the weapon, how about we just make sure we get the weapon out of the orc's hands, and then we just work out what the driven is. Yeah, just think about it like this, Perry. We get the weapon, we've got the weapon, then everyone can fight over who gets to keep the weapon. Wait, why do you want to fight? What do you mean? No, I meant you two. Yes, us two. Wait, do I believe that? You two fight over it. I don't even need it. You still think Greg Piss is here on ulterior business? He's got some other job to do. Yes, me and you. We fight over who needs it. I like that. Wait, no, that checks out. Yeah, us two. Did you actually say you got lost? Yeah, I said that earlier.
And we believe it. Are you still saying that now? Yeah, I've not said it. They didn't question it. Right. Yeah, like, you know, Greg, this is a shifty guy. You wouldn't necessarily trust him with much, but you still don't think that he's here for the weapon. Awesome. So yeah, we get the weapon, then we can decide, because I think something's happening.
I'm okay with this. All right. Man, well, cool. Two moons are briefly obscured by something large flying overhead. It's quick, fuck. Right, okay. So we've got five, six, if you include the orcs. The orc camp is in like an uproar right now. Shit is going down, but obviously they're aware that shit is going down. So I have Alter Self, right? I mean, can I make myself look like an orc with Alter Self? Because I can do that. Make myself look like an orc in the chaos. I look around, pretend you're my prisoners, whatever. You're an half orc, that counts. And then I can hide. I can hide. You can hide. And we wander through in the chaos. How much does the half orc count? Like, then you're not going to turn as many heads as any other race.
Yeah, you could sneak into the camp under your half-hole clothes. Can you fit in my back? Half-hole clothes? Bumblebee armor? Just a little bit more orky, less Bumblebee armor-y. Can we go shadow fitness sack? How big a sack? Like, I mean, anyone can fitness. I mean, like, either of the backpacks that me or Perry has. Probably not, but your backpacks are full, if you'll recall. Yeah, right, right, right. You are. Yep. Hide behind me. I'm twice your size. Exactly, done. Magpie lad, meat pie. What the fuck's going on? Can I just telepathically be like, why, what's going on? Your magpie is like...
I don't know, I'm still here. Does it have the same voice as Mrs. Magpie from Blinkyville? No, how does she speak? Oh, Blinky, what are you doing? And the levels are going to get low at all on that one. But yes, that is how she speaks, I've decided now. Magpie, fly up, give me a bird's eye view of this place, see what's going on.
Yes! Meepi flies towards the orc camp. Right. So, choose which one. Alter cell, all right? Using the magic inherent to the universe that bards know and can manipulate with their raw charisma, you are able to alter your appearance such that you look like an orc. All right. Gross. You're right. And I get behind pyraminels. Are we marched toward the closest warehouse or big tent? Well, the big tent is probably the furthest of anything. Cool. So, would you like to hit up the...
Rick building? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No one gives you a second thought. Cool. Leo and Pierce, however. You're so on your own now. It actually doesn't really happen until you're kind of like in the thick of it. Then an orc running past, carrying weapons, slams into you, Pierce, ruining your illusion. Oi, motherfucker. He sees through your illusion for a brief moment. At the same time, he trips over Leo. The orc drops all the weapons, gets up, and is about to see something when, boom, a dragon.
A 747 authorized dragon lands in the docks. Well, that was lucky. The mere fact that it is landed causes the ground to rumble enough that Leo, you fall to the ground and so do like half of the orc encampment. Periwinkle and Pierce, you both have enough wherewithal to stay standing. The dragon whips around once and just the wind that it creates by whipping around destroys a good amount of the orcish camp. The orcs charge.
And a fight begins between the dragons and the orcish camp. Whatever was about to happen between you guys and that orc is forgotten. At the same time, does anyone here know Gnomish? No. A booming voice says something in Gnomish. The voice is extra loud, either magically, but it sounds a bit tinny, like a speaker system. That's awesome.
Oh, shit's going down. But fortuitous for us. And then with a twanging sound, the wooden gnomish contraption collapses, sending something flying towards the orcish camp. A large Wright Brothers-esque but a big contraption is sailing over the camp. That's amazing. Dropping from it on ropes, gnomes, kitted out for combat warfare, land among the orcs, and they begin joining the fight. Jesus. Literally, this could not be more fortuitous for us. This is amazing. So while this is happening, we need to get this weapon out of here. The gnomes are using gunpowder weaponry, so you hear the steady light, crack, crack.
crack of their guns going off. Once again, the tinny speaker. That sounds like me a little bit. The gnomes appear to be organizing themselves after they hear that. That's amazing. I really feel bad for the orc ex-lovers in that box. When they wake up, all their friends are going to be dead. I'm not going to know what happened. We just let them. That's why they're going to assume that we did it. The mad three-way melee.
Continues. Right. Did the dragon... We should search these stone houses while we're... Oh, did they? I was going to say, destroying the three of the stone houses? The dragon probably did actually just land on one of the five stone buildings, destroying it. There's four left. Let's hope that wasn't in that one. Let's go for this one over here. I point to the nearest one, I assume. So this one has... Before we do that, seeing the four remaining one in the big tent, would we be like, give it a bit of a guesstimate of maybe where the weapon might be? Yeah, like if one looks more like a warehouse or...
This one that you're approaching, or the one that you're nearest to, looks like maybe it was used as a food preparation area. I reckon nah. We can bugger that one off. Let's go to the next one. As you charge past, you notice the dragon isn't actually following you guys, but its natural path is kind of following you guys. And as you run past that first building, maybe a minute later, one of the dragon's mighty paws crushes it. Alright, well that one's dead. They're both out. What's the next one? The next building was probably a blacksmithy. Actually, some of you might have, back when the docks wasn't inhabited by orcs, have gone to this blacksmithy for one reason or another. Hey, that's right. Here's Daggerfrog.
Kevin's blacksmith. I love Kevin. He's so good with steel. Kevin was a very pleasant, if slightly portly fellow, but pretty sure he's dead. Most in peace, Kev. He was killed either in the riots or by the Black Hand. There are a lot of opportunities for Kev to eat. He did good work, but it did not help. Radio, can we imagine that there'd be space in this for a large weapon? Yeah, well, there is enough room. You don't know how big what you're looking for is, though. There are no orcs visible in this one. All right, let's break in. Does this have a second floor? No, it's like an open air sort of blacksmith area, and then the living sort of quarters, which is maybe two rooms. And we've got to be quick or we're a pancake.
attacked by two fronts, wouldn't they try to be protecting their weapon? Yeah, maybe. Maybe. Where are they protecting? Are the oars rallying to protect any particular point, or are the gnomes rallying to go to a particular point? It's hard to tell. You guys are kind of, not necessarily in the midst of the fight, but to be someone on the ground... We can't see the forest for the trees. But Meat Pie can! Roosed! Meat Pie needs a moment, though, to sort of assess the situation. While that's happening, we'll go to the blacksmith.
You're, like, really close to the blacksmith when all of the windows get smashed out by the butts of flintlock rifles and a gnomish firing squad pokes their rifles through. They fire at you because one of you is a hot hawk, one of you looks like an orc. So they just fire. Shit. Dang. Try to get out of the way.
Oh, Jesus. I should have stayed at home today. That was a bad day to do anything. I'm too old for this shit. Harry Winkle, you feel two bullets tear through you. Ow. It was mostly glancing blows that hit you. Yeah, beautiful. I'm a big fella in a big B-armer. Yeah, yeah. Leo, you feel one bullet tear through you. They weren't actually even aiming at you. It's just so much... It was just like a volley fire, so there was so much lead being put downrange that you just got hit. Dodge, dark dive, we are fucking... You get hit twice as well. Right, yeah. You take...
19 points of damage. On top of the four you took before. So 23 points of damage in total. Also, one of the bullets pierced your forearm and just as it was coming out, destroyed your tricep. Your tricep is like, part of it is poking out through the hole the exit wound made. You drop your loot. That's like years of recovery. Pierce, what do you want to do? No real initiative here because I'm not assuming you guys are charging. I'm just going to duck out of the way and cure light wounds. Cure moderate. Cure moderate wounds on myself.
Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Ow, ow, ow. You can cure yourself. Duck out of the way. Grab your loot. Pick any two. Duck out of the way. Cure myself. All right. So your loot is still, like, in the line of fire, basically. It's tough. You recover. 18 hit points. Your wound is completely fixed. Oh, there you go. Just a bit of delight. Yeah, just... I can walk that off. I'm fine. I'll be all right.
Doesn't he kill you? He's sold, though. Barry Winkle, what would you like to do in response to this? I assume you're not charging, so I'm not putting... No, no, no. Can I grab his loot and get out of the way? You can. Oh, thank you. Can I grab your loot and get out of the way? Yeah, go on. I'll say you, like, duck in wherever he is. Like, maybe there's, you know, some little depressed area. Like, you know, you're fighting him on city streets right now. Yeah. Sort of, well, dock streets. But there's, you know, there's natural terrain and stuff like that.
So you duck down behind some buildings and some tents and use maybe even the natural layout of the town to give yourself some cover. Yep. Then... Right. Can I call out in common? No orcs here, just prisoners! And then have a quick, like, scan of the round or a search around the blacksmith. All right. You call that out. Make yourself not an orc now, too, by the way. I should probably sell that out. I'm just going to make myself a gnome.
Why didn't you do that? Oh, they were shooting at me. I had another one. I want to plead to their, like, good nature. Highs. Highs. Always bet on highs. Always bet on highs. Okay, I got two pieces of bad news. One is pretty bad. One's just the worst. That's not even too bad. That's pretty bad news. That's just the worst news. The worst news? All right. The dragon steps over you and crushes the blacksmith. The bad news is, before that, they get another volley out. Probably, you realize now, they were not shooting at you guys at all. They were shooting at the dragon.
You're in trouble. Where are they? The volley misses you completely. I guess they're aiming up. How close are we to another building where the dragon is? Three down, two buildings left, plus the big ten. Were we in the... No, we were outside. No, you were outside. It's still charging towards it. The gnomes had knocked down windows and set up a volley fire. You ever see people from Civil War times lining up? Yeah, they smash the window out and then... For some reason, I thought it was the reverse. They're shooting through the window at us. Anyway, right. Let's hope it wasn't there again. Meat Pie gets back to you. It's all fucked. They're all over the place.
I want more Australianisms. I want, like, oh, Flaming Galar. Oh, Flaming Lacrosse. It's truth, mate. Some boats are landing. Boats. Dwarves are getting out. There's dwarves now. It's a bloody four-way fight. It's a rumble, isn't it? Your mind-fi relays that a bunch of dwarven-style boats land at the docks, and then dwarves start fighting as well. Under my breath, ladies and gentlemen, it's truth. The dwarves look like they're fighting their way towards the Big Ten, specifically. All right, nice out of that, then. Right, well, with limited time, might as well go for the Big Ten. None of you know what dwarves are doing here. I don't even know where the dwarves can fucking come from. Back to the boat. It's a dwarf boat.
I'm on board with going for the tent. The tent's out of the way of the dragon. Oh, it's the furthest away, so yeah. Yeah, the furthest away, yeah. I'm a dwarf! Do you want your loot back? Oh, yeah, thanks, man. Yeah, I might give it back later. Bye.
It's largely impossible. All right. Fighting around the tent is possibly the most fiercest. Some of the strongest and most badass-looking orcs are here, defending the tent. From one side, dwarves, and from another side, gnomes. What's the dragon doing? The dragon's charging towards all of this. Then, in addition to that, the main orcs of the camp, the less badass-looking ones, but still a lot of them, are, like, sandwiching the dwarves and the gnomes up against the extreme-looking orcs.
So it's like a several-layer pie of fighting right now. If you want to get there, you're going to have to fight your way either through orcs, gnomes, orcs, or orcs, dwarves, orcs. I say orcs, dwarves, orcs because I look like a dwarf. Yeah, we just keep going. But he looks like an orc. And I look like an orc. Oh, no, that's all right. Either way, you just say you're the prisoner of the office. Yeah, it's fine. I'm not very charismatic. I just thought I'd put that out there. We'll figure it out. Orcs, dwarves, orcs. As we're entering the fair, I'll be like, Barry, I just need to loot. That's my weapon. I've got nothing else. I'll look at you for a long time. Give it to you, Mike.
Don't fuck with me. I'll give it back after the fright. No, you can keep it, but don't do any spoilers. And the dragon is being hampered by all the people that it needs to fight to get here, but it'll be here in ten rounds. Okay. So unless you are taking down a person around, you probably won't get there in time for the dragon to also be here. Right. Is everyone kind of moshpeded together? Couldn't I punch two people? You can't get two people out of your way, but you can get someone out of your way and someone out of one of your friends' way. So I guess you're probably in the middle, forming like the tip of the spear. Let's do this! All right.
I'm going to go with Periwinkle first. Would you like the stingers out? Yeah, get them stingers out. I'm going to talk to my fists and say the word apius, which is Latin for B. Your gauntlets drag material, bone, flesh, blood from your hands and form stingers using them. It's a painful process and you know that when you punch, you're going to be breaking that stinger off. You hit the first blow. This is someone in front of me. Yes, killing him and dealing two points of damage to yourself. You deal 21 points of damage to the other guy, killing him. One point of damage to yourself.
You can actually keep going and go to this guy as well if you want. I can do that too. That's it. That's us through the orcs if you've killed this one. Yeah, you need to get three waves of orcs. Oh. So there's, in total, 18 orcs to kill and nine dwarves to kill. Okay, this is a hard fight. Each of you need to be killing one round. I've killed three this round, so you've sorted us out for that one. Yeah, that's good. That's exact three. You kill the third one, and you take three points an hour. All right. That's one round down, and then you need to make your way through the next orcs who bar your way. Okay. Tip of the spear goes first.
The stingers have gone away again, haven't they? Yeah, you can not do that this round if you want. You can do it again. How much extra damage do I get with the stingers? From 2 to 12 extra damage. After we get through this, I'll fucking bring it on. You didn't become the bloody fixer of Jared's out. No, I didn't by just sitting around on my ass. Exactly. You step forward and you jab forwards with a really good, you thought, strike. But then that plane thing, they have flies overhead and a gnome accidentally...
tumbles out of it and lands on your blow, you just kill a knife randomly. You can attack again. I'll use my other fist. I have two. You get him? You did. Take five points of damage. I'm sure you're tough. I'm pretty tough. Yeah, you're doing fine. My max is 40. You get the next two guys as well. We're just a fucking steam train right now through these orcs. All right, so third wave of orcs. Also, I may have the potential that if I don't want to use the stingers...
I can just kind of go into, like, a bazooka or, like, rage, which my attacks are a lot stronger, but I'm not very accurate. Start using power attack. You can actually determine how angry, if you will, you are. I'm less angry because, like, I'm doing stuff. I'm just, like, annoyed that it's still going. No one's really hurt me yet, so I'm okay. I'm going to sting again. Yeah, good. Buzz, buzz, buzz. It's, like, sort of flanking, like, oh, okay. Don't need to even... Excellent. That's sweet. Kicking the old one-two, one of the breadboxes. I'm going to stop rolling damage because you stopped paying attention to that.
All you're feeling right now is that your bones and blood and flesh is slowly being drained by the stinger. Does he shrink? You keep making progress, but, like, I'm just going to roll your damage. Kill. Kill. Ow. Ow. 11 points of damage. To me? Yep. Do I kill all three?
Yep. You're in dwarves right now. I'm not keeping track of my hit points because you are and I've done what I'm up to. Just tell me when I get to 40, Adam. Incidentally, someone didn't like the look of you this round. But I look like a dwarf. Exactly, you idiot. Yeah. But we're fighting dwarves. We'll be an orc from behind. Periwinkle, a random blow deals six points of damage to you. Oh, this happens. Shipping away at your hit points. Leo is an orc. Steps up behind you and you hear him grumble. His wicked curved falchion blade cuts at your back. It cuts you like from butt to the base of the neck along your spine.
22 points of damage to his stealth. And the curve of the blade picks up some strap of your armor, lifts you into the air, and you don't notice Periwinkle, but Greg Pierce, you notice that Leo's shadow has been thrown further into the door. You don't see him anymore. Little fellas, probably dumb fool. All my troubles seem so far away right now. In the sky, you get to see the melee all. Yo, what up, Adam? Yes, cook me good. You turn around to look at the orc who just hit Leo. And as you turn around, you're like, bumble up against another orc.
who shoves you back and says, He slashes at you, and you think he's going to go high, but instead he goes low. You feel the cut on your belly, and then you feel like a great weight lifting from you. You look down to see your guts lying on the floor. I've got to put this back in me. You take 16 points of damage. They're out. What's meant to be in is out. Does this mean I'm like, since Periwinkle is punching from the front, I can maybe attack from behind?
Clear some of the dwarves out before I get there. Clear some of the dwarves before he gets there and like, hey, that's pretty good. You've got another round. You can certainly try. Oh, jeez. You're not with the rest of the group and kind of being assaulted from all directions. None of the dwarves were expecting to see a halfling. This was a dumb idea. We should have gone to one of the other buildings. We could have just waited. I was thinking we could just go home coming tomorrow when none of this is happening. Yeah. What the fuck's the dragon doing? It's still coming behind us, isn't it? That's why we're ahead of it. So, Leo, you can get up and like look around you. The dwarves, some of them are trying to take swipes at you just because either they maybe don't trust a halfling, they're not expecting a halfling. They just, they know you're not one of them. Why?
Guys, gee whiz. You're cutting through them right now. I'm not. You were asking me if you could. I was wondering if that's how the game mechanic works. Actually, it's probably the best idea is to fight your way back to them. I'd say if you can kill one dwarf, you're back with them. Why? Jerk stab. Yeah, the dwarf you're attacking just didn't see you land behind him, so I'm going to say you get your sneak attack against him. Oh, you have two daggers. One of them, named Thunder, always has electricity damage that it deals as well. Fuck yeah, that's rad. Your other dagger, named Venom, has a special ability where when you hit someone with Venom...
They are poisoned as the spell, which is a bit more effective than actual just poisoning. No, I'm not going to poison this one. You can only do it once a day. You deal 30 points of damage to the unaware dwarf. You eviscerate him. From behind, you keep cutting until you cut through. You're just tearing parts out of his back until you reach the skin of his belly. Jesus. The dwarf collapses and you're with your mates. Do I even realize that he wasn't there? Probably not. You're just like punching as Leo climbs out the stomach of the dwarfs. Does that mean I have one less dwarf to punch to?
Yes, you only take four points of damage this time. Oh, sorry. And I've taken out two more. Yeah, we're getting it. So, is that the first layer of dwarves? Yes. I'm basically leaving them stingers out or bringing them back out every time I punch. APS, APS, APS, APS. Oh, Greg Pierce, would you like to do something about your bleeding? Yeah, I cure moderate wounds just to sort me out. I'll deal with the con damage and the bleeding out and all that. So, Greg Pierce, you recover. But unfortunately... 16 hit points. Okay, let's stop for bleed damage. Oh, good. Do my guts go back in or do I grow new guts? Your guts go back in. If your guts had been cut out of you, you couldn't heal them back. Jesus Christ. If your skin had healed, you'd stop bleeding, but you wouldn't be able to eat or digest food. Yeah.
I get so themed. Beautiful. And Periwinkle, you take 11 points of damage, but you're on another round. Beautiful. Bang. How close to 40 am I? 40? Yeah. You're on 19.
Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. We've got one more round of dwarves to go. Yes, this will be the last round of dwarves. Oh, your next turn, don't worry. All right. Periwinkle takes six more points of damage, but you're through another way. We're at the bloody grizzly dwarves now. I'm just like, breathing heavily. Covered in gore and blood. Imagine your arms purple with veins sticking out. These orcs look like they're some sort of honor guard or just the personal force of the chieftain, perhaps?
Hey, it's Kat Nat from Kat Nat Unfiltered. You know what matters most to us when cooking for our family's freshness. That's why we always choose Metro. Their produce is hand-picked, their bread is baked in store, and their butchers custom-cut meat to our exact needs. Freshness is the thing that can make a simple meal simply amazing or turn an ordinary bite into an extraordinary night. At Metro, fresh matters because fresh changes everything. Find fresh meals and deals at your local Metro.
Hey, it's Kat Nat from Kat Nat Unfiltered. You know what matters most to us when cooking for our family's freshness. That's why we always choose Metro. Their produce is handpicked, their bread is baked in store, and their butchers custom cut meat to our exact needs. Freshness is the thing that can make a simple meal simply amazing or turn an ordinary bite into an extraordinary night. At Metro, fresh matters because fresh changes everything. Find fresh meals and deals at your local Metro.
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You guys all maybe know a little bit about Orcish tribes and how they structure themselves. There's a chieftain, who's the technical leader, and then there's a shaman, who's like the spiritual leader. And while the chieftain makes pretty much all of the decisions, a lot of big decisions need the shaman's approval, or at least need the, quotation marks, god's approval. The shaman throws some bones up and is like the god's approved. That makes sense. Because if the bones don't land correctly, the chieftain will kill the shaman and pick a new one. You've got to make those bones live right. It's actually a very tenuous relationship where either can kind of kill the other and take their place, but it's on purpose, because Orc tribes are supposed to be all about strength.
If you can't defend yourself, you don't deserve to be chieftain or shaman. Man, man, demon orc is scary. It's fun, too. I'm only half. The knock-knock has words with you. A knock-knock be proud of me. She left the tribe for love, I assume. Yeah, she did. All right, strong orc time. All right, here we go. Am I too fatigued to keep going with the stingers, and do I just go into, like, a bloodlust raid and start power-hitting the shit out of people? Yeah, yeah, I can get rid of them stingers now. Yeah, I want to get rid of not using the stingers, unless you've just rolled for me using the stingers.
Adam, why that face? I have. So, I've got bad news, I've got some worse news, and I've got some really fucking shit news. I'm dead. So you're on one hit point. That's the bad news. The worst news is that you actually didn't kill all three. There's still one standing. The one in front of Greg Pierce. Right. And third off, you missed because you got a critical failure. You're getting too fatigued, man. I'm too tired. I should have put the stingers away and just gone into a blood rush punch. You're getting too fatigued. And... Oh, gosh. That one's gleeful. He's looking up stuff. Oh, boy. I have made a tiny, huge mistake.
You have worn out the magic of your gauntlets. You've done it so much, they're not used to this. It's like exercising a muscle. The muscle is now spasming, cramping. And now they just won't stop taking from your muscles. So I can't go back. You can still stop, but they are still draining from your muscles to rebuild themselves, just to rebuild themselves. And because of that, every round, you are going to lose one point of strength until someone makes a successful heal check, DC 15. Now, I've looked at it. None of you have ranks in heal. So you need to roll 14 or higher. And every time you don't...
Harbour Strength, which is basically my thing. Your whole deal. We'll start with you, Greg. There's how many? Cure Moderate. Cure Moderate? Yep, that's my last second level spell. Oh, boy. You're a cover. It's almost going to be like, you're using your cure. 16 hundred points, you're on 17. Alright, that's better. So it's up for me to cure his strength. Yep. Good luck. Oh, I put the stingers away. Strength Bleed's still happening. Leo Shadow is just desperately trying to, like, fix you from behind. But at first he's like, bandages. Do you want to just keep punching, yeah?
I kind of have to, don't I? Is he better with the sword or with his punches? He's better with the punches than anything else. Can I billy club one hand, scimitar other hand? Billy club, that's mad. You get penalties. You're much better with your fist. I'm just going to keep punching. We had the conversation yesterday. To be cursed. To be cursed. So, what does confusion do? Confusion... Makes you confused. What? Why are we fighting? I don't even have this spell. Excuse me? A confused person has percentile chances to do different things. So a 10% chance, they'll act normally. They'll attack whoever casts the spell. They'll do nothing but babble.
That's alright. They'll flee away from the caster at top speed. And there's a 30% chance they'll just attack the nearest thing to them. It's a 20% chance of something good. Yeah, I'll slide underneath old Perry's legs and be like, confusion on the wall. Power slide while I do it. Good thing I gave you your loot back.
You see that the orc's pupils dilate until their butt's a pinprick. And his eyes also take on this odd purplish hue. The orc lowers his weapon and is just like... Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Did you cast Confusion or Lesson Confusion? Confusion. Oh, okay. Well, you messed him up for life. I'm giving an orc permanent brain damage. That's the best. Oh, my God. His wife and kids are just, like, crying. What happened to Dad? I don't know. We've got to put him in a home. We've got to put him in a home.
I'm still bloodlust in, but we're up to another throw, aren't we? We've got two more rows to do. You can't miss anymore. If you miss, the dragon gets here. Oh, shit. Yeah, we went in behind the dragon. At first your blows were like, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, but then you're like, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. You slowly compact your way forward. Yes. Yep, you're good another round. Two more waves of orcs to kill. One more wave to go.
So we got one more wave of orcs, and then the dragon's behind us. All right, and some people took disliking to you guys. Oh, no, fuck me. But they miss you all. Oh, thank God. That's all right, that's okay. A group of orcs charge in towards you guys, but then you hear like bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, the crack of rifle fire, and they all fall over. Gnomes from the other side of the battlefield formed up into an infantry line and fired, destroying a wave of orcs. How are we going to get out of this? Now that you're close, you can tell that the tent is on a slight inclined hill, and it's kind of like water to one side.
melee all around. It's either go back through the melee or try to get into the water. Can I talk to Meat Pie and be like, what's the best thing around the tent? Is there like a particular area that just goes straight to the water? There's no one there? Meat Pie, we'll need to get back to the water. Fucking Meat Pie. No, I've got a lot of time for Meat Pie. What do you want to do? Cure Light. Wounds on old mate here. You recover five minutes. Ten hit points. No. Six. Sorry. Wait. Ten. Oh, rollercoaster. That was a journey.
Great, we're back in a good territory of health field. 27, not really. 50 points down. I was one. Jack loves the one-hit-point party. Wow, being a one-hit-point, it's a rush, man. Well, I was worried I was going to die. It's so exciting being a one-hit-point because you're like, go either way, go either way. I'm living on the knife edge, motherfucker. So, you are so tenuously close to the tent. You can see it. You could throw a rock at it.
from where you are. There's just, like, a light smattering of orcs still here. Just orcs who have been holding up the back, trying to either guide the others or keeping themselves, like, safe or ready or whatever. The auxiliary orcs, basically, for whatever reason. Does that make a heal check to fix that strength? Oh, you've got the heal. He's going to do his heal check.
No. Your strength goes down to 50. And you have to battle your way through one last line of orcs. As the dragon has entered the fight, and it is not engaging with anyone, it's just stepping its way forward. In one step, the dragon covers as much distance as you guys did in four rounds. Wow. Okay. So, is there a chance we could wait for the dragon to kill these orcs? Or would it kill us? Kill us. You're getting weaker. You make no progress. Wait, did I kill no one? No one.
The dragon steps over you. Everything goes dark. The moon goes out when the dragon's giant... Moons, Adam. Moons. The moons go out when the dragon's giant paw flies over you guys. Eyes all low. I'll let you take this one, Sam. It's all on you, buddy. Loads.
The dragon steps exactly around you guys. Let it come around in Godzilla. The whore comes down and it's like, you ever seen Buster Keaton go through that window? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Each of the dragon's fingers or like toes or whatever is around you guys. You look at each other from in between the toes. The dragon has crushed the three orcs. You need to get through. You can just charge forward now if you will. Charge forward, charge forward, charge forward.
We're going to have one round to get that weapon out. You burst into the tent. A mad, awful fight is happening in front of you. Two dwarves are hanging off this giant orc who's trying to wade his way through gnomes. Oh, God. The orc has a round. Oh, shit. Adam's taking out a leather-bounded tome. We're in trouble when he's got the leather-bounded tome. Are we going to finally learn satanic powers like all of those dockers from the 80s promised me we would? We've been doing this for how many years and Adam hasn't let us in? It's a male orc. Okay. And he's wading through gnomes with two dwarves hanging off each arm. In his hand, he has clutched just a leather bag.
Periwinkle, you do not know magic very well. That's why you're wearing B-Arm. Correct. Another great line. Leo and Greg Pierce, you both know or you are able to identify a bag of magical holding when you see one. So this bag, while it is only maybe the size of a small satchel bag, you know that inside it could be the size of a room and could contain any number of massive things. That's how you get it out. Right. Of course. I mean, sensible. Didn't figure that out. The orc picks up one of the dwarves and crushes a gnome with him. Right. All right. What would you like to do? Who's up?
Greg Piss, we'll say. Fascinate. I'll try and grab it. I'm going to get him to throw it to me. None of them are listening to you. Between the fact that they all consider you hostile, there's a fight happening, and they're just like, no. That's my round. Fight them. That's my round, yeah? But they just can't pay attention to you in the middle of a combat. Oh, so, okay, in that case, confusion. You've only confused one. A big orc. Oh, he's a bag, Adam. Duh. I feel like the logic is sound. Well, he fails. The same thing happens. His pupils turn into pinpricks. He gets that vague purple glow behind his eyes.
I'm going to grease the floor. He picks up a gnome and crushes another gnome with it. You think you got one of the attack ones? Fuck. Is this regular confusion, though? Yeah. Can I try to get my own strength back? Yeah, you can certainly try. I'm going to do that, because these guys seem to be part of their fighting, so I'm going to try to get my own strength back.
Finally. You are able to... I'm so sorry. For some reason, I imagine it just pushing over your back. You're able to just force muscle back into you. Your strength is still 15, but it'll slowly come back to you over the course of days. It's like Jack's constitution will slowly come back to him. Thanks for nothing. So can I get to the orc? Yeah, you can, but you've got to shove past gnomes and climb up in.
All right, you want to do that? Yes. All right, you cast Grease. Grease is the floor. All right. Grease is the floor. What's going on? Dragon, dragon, dragon, dragon, dragon, dragon, dragon, dragon, dragon. All of the gnomes fall, topple over, but the orc holds the bagel off so that the dwarf is like hanging in the opposite direction of the other arm. The orc starts... Yes! Oh! We have one round of this. Dragon, dragon, dragon, dragon, dragon! The tent crunches inwards.
Handsome Tom, have you ever seen Melody very gingerly and carefully take a treat from someone's hand? Yes. You will never feel those teeth. She does not touch your fingers. Welcome back to Fresh Matters, where we discuss matters of freshness. I'm the grossier here with Kat from Metro. Kat, your produce is impeccable. We have high standards. Meat is custom cut on site, am I very delight? Yep, it's important that we... And the baked goods? More like baked grates. Fresh in store every day. So at Metro you would say fresh. Matters? It does. Find fresh meals and deals at Metro.
Hey, it's Kat Nat from Kat Nat Unfiltered. You know what matters most to us when cooking for our family's freshness. That's why we always choose Metro. Their produce is hand-picked, their bread is baked in store, and their butcher's custom-cut meat to our exact needs. Freshness is the thing that can make a simple meal simply amazing or turn an ordinary bite into an extraordinary night. At Metro, fresh matters because fresh changes everything. Find fresh meals and deals at your local Metro.
She's just very hot. In a similar manner, the dragon very carefully grabs all of the orc's arm and tears it off. No, motherfucker. All of you, no roll, you're just balled over when the dragon's mighty wings unfurl and it takes off. Motherfucker! Right, you mean I punched all of those people? Of course. For nothing. That's a very typical win-made effect. That's, yep. Kill so many for-
Well, to the sea, though. To the sea. To the sea. All three of you run past. There's no one blocking your way towards the sea. You just dive into the water off the docks. Oh, do you want to go with Periwinkle? Yeah, I'm coming with them. They're going after the weapon. Fuck no, I get to fighting for it later. I think I might win. Before I continue, where's my health at, bro? Well, you know what? I have an antitoxin. Well, if you drink that, you certainly will struggle while underwater right now. Oh, yeah, no worries. Not that it'll help much, because you're not poisoned.
How deep under the sea are we? Well, let's find out. Can we float back to the surface? We're all buoyant. Can half-orcs float? So, half-orcs probably are more muscle mass than humans, so harder for half-orcs to float, but they can float. A half-orc, however.
who's wearing full plate armor. Surely that fell off while I was ripping upon orcs with my bare fucking hands. I mean, like, it's largely irrelevant because the full plate is what's fucking you here. It's like adding maybe three grams on, like, say, four kilos. You're going to have to dive down and take your armor off under the water. I better get that motherfucker back. Leo, you're the only person who's in control of your swimming right now. Everyone else is sinking. Periwinkle, this is it for you, buddy. I don't know where we are on the docks, but I bet we're far away from anywhere safe. We're not going straight for the dragon. Get negative 12 to your checks. That's the takeaway from that.
Is that for periwinkle and piss? Or teriwinkle? Periwinkle and piss. That sounds like a great beer. Just a stein of periwinkle and piss, please. Periwinkle piss. Periwinkle piss. It sounds like a... It's like periwinkle ale. Yeah. It's like, yeah, periwinkle ale, but, like, you know, everyone calls this periwinkle piss. Yeah. Give us some periwinkle piss, man. Oh, love it. Delish. Why are you called Greg Piss? Because my parents were tanners, and tanning, which is the working of leather, often involves a large amount of feces and urine from animals and sometimes people. So, wait, the family name was piss? Yeah, well, that's what happens. It's a proud name, piss.
They became known as the piss family. You make money on piss. Yeah, you make money on piss. And it's not spelled the word it's got E on the end. It's French, right? No, it's just P-I-S-S. It's like the clothes of this city come from the proud piss name. You know, anybody wearing armor, it's piss armor. Not piss armor, but it's piss level. All right, so Perry Winkle, you can hold your breath for 12 rounds. Leo, you can hold your breath for 11 rounds. And Greg Pierce, 14. Oh, wow. I can just go. Two extra rounds is not that much. Quick question. What do my halfling I see?
You're aware of where everyone else is. Are they visibly struggling? Like, do I notice that Periwinkle is in trouble? They're both sinking. I go and try and help Periwinkle undo his straps. Piss. I try and swim, so I don't drink. Look out for Numero Udo, guys. Piss, you surface. What are you doing, Periwinkle? I'm also... Do two of us do the straps? Should I let it take five turns, right? I might be just cutting the straps. It quickly becomes apparent to both of you after a round of attempting that A. Because the armor is magical, it is extra tough. You can't cut it. B. Even with help...
It would take you like two to three minutes to remove this armor. You would be dead by then. Just swim. You just gotta swim. Just gotta try and swim. Launch item. It does not launch. I was gonna launch his armor up. If I drop the big-ass sword, does that help? No, it's irrelevant. It's half weight, but the other half is just the full plate armor restricts movement. Can I try and help him swim up? Just like...
Yeah, you can certainly try to help him. Now you both suffer. Oh, my God. It's far less complicated than I was envisioning. That could have ended so ugly. Especially if the two of us drowning and you were escaping. You are a little bit a ways because the tide... Oh, wait, the tide would be going in, right? Yes. Yeah, so I guess you're still pretty close to the docks. I don't know what the tide does when you're double-moving to power it. There isn't a tide. Let's cancel one another round. No, if they were on opposite sides of the planet. Actually, it'd be like...
Every tide would be a king tide. Oh, Jesus. Oh, king tide. King tide is like a full moon. I thought his name was King Goldcrest. So the tides vary, I believe, with what phase of the moon it's in. So if you get like a full moon, the tide comes in the most, really, and it's called a king tide. That's when the tide is at its highest. Yeah, yeah. But like, because there's two moons, pretty much every tide would be our equivalent of a king tide. That's if they're not at the same stages, though. So like, what if they're like, one was waning as one was full? Yeah. Our real world king tide would not be a big tide to the fantasy world. Scary. Also, there are three moons. One is not visible. Anybody ever tried to go to your moons? Yes. Did it work out for them? It's all right.
They hold it up the moon. Yeah. I've hit the boundary of what I'm willing to learn. And I'm on the news. Uh-huh. Yep, that's also good news. I've had enough. Take me home. Do you want to know which one it is? No. We swim for the shore. Yep, totally. So in the double moonlight, you guys are looking at the burning, destroyed orc camp, which is still an active battle zone. The dragon's gone now, but that gnomish gliding contraption is still sailing around, dropping gnomes off. All right. There's also gnomes on the wings firing down, you can see. You can also, in the moonlight, see your own blood. All of you have been wounded pretty gravely. It's just sort of like...
Staining the inky black water. Sharks. Sharks. Sharks. Sharks. Sharks. Sharks. Sharks. Let's just start swimming towards shore. Meat pie. Where's it? Like a nice little shore. A cove. A cove. No one's attacking or a... Oh, no. So if you have a look at the dots, you're like kind of in the worst possible place. Yes. We're on that curve there. If you want the shortest possible swim...
just puts you back still in the docks, but you could try to get away from the fighting. Like, we're underneath the, you know, piers and that. We could just creep our way around until we're in the gnome quarter, which is like a longer creep. That's an actual wall. Yeah, the gnomes do not touch water. There's a little bit of shore there. Okay, well, we could go for there, and then we're at least out of anyone's territory. Or you could go the other way, which is actually shorter, but puts you near... No, it's not out of the city. Yeah, we're not going anywhere to eat. It's a longer swim, that's all. Cheers. What's the shark's weaknesses? He's punching, and that's what I'm real good at. I'm going to give you a circumstantial bonus to your swim checks, because you can grab onto the piers as you move.
Leo, you go under. Oh, God. Got by a shark. Got by something. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Are there sharks? Are there sharks? Piers, you don't see anything, but Periwinkle, you think he got got by something. I think he got got by something. All right. I have armor, so if I go under, it's hard for me to swim out. Just cue over. You don't need any more spells left? Yeah, I got some cue light. Oh, good. Leo's still under. I'll duck under, see if I can see anything. I will be stabbing. And I'll be ready to punch anything that comes out of the water that looks vaguely evil. Piers, you duck under. You see Leo climbing his way back up. His legs are wrapped around seaweed. You all resurface, and then a shark attacks. I have a hunk of meat. I have bread.
Ah, it's all soggy. Shark's at my point of meat. I have soap. Soap up the meat. Throw it to the shark. He's dead. He's gone. That's good. There's our way to check. Shark goes after the person bleeding the most. Periwinkle. Right. Who is that? Because that could be any of us at this point. Bring it on, Sharky. Leo, you're first. A shark is just left out of nowhere and grabbed Periwinkle as he's attached to the dock. Attack. Attack with venom so it's poisoned as well. You can really only attack with one dagger because you're trying to swim as well. Don't use the electric one. We're in the water. I'll use the venom one to poison him. And do you want to use venom? Of course. Will the electric zap us if I did? You don't know. Oh, okay then.
Stabbing the shark in one of its eyes, you deal 16 points of damage. Blind and good. And you are unsure, but you don't think you've poisoned it. You just got to feel it. It turns on you, Leo. Ah, you're so small. I was eating you in one go. That's it. Leo's done. Gone. In the bin. Leo, you take 19 points of damage. I think I'm on a zero. Negative four. Oh, God. Is he dead? No, no, no. He's not dead. He's dying. When he's negative 10, he's dead. Yeah, so when you get dropped into negatives, you're not immediately dead, but you start bleeding out. So you're on the ground, or in this case, in the water, dying slowly. Every round, he loses another hit point until someone helps him.
He will die at negative 10. You heal him, I'm going to beat the shark up. All right. You know that shark thing they do? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's doing that. Periwinkle, it's your turn. I'm going to punch that shark so hard in its face, it'll shit out teeth. Did I become a team healer? I can't fight a shark. I actually cannot fight a shark. My only offensive capability is hitting people with my loot. That's it. Oh, and confusion, I guess. You deal 22 points of damage to the shark as you grab it and just start...
You push off from the pier, grab the shark, and you're just like wailing it. You know when the boxes get really close and they're like hitting around each other? That's exactly what I'm doing to the shark. I'm beating the fuck out of the shark. I'm bare-knuckle boxing a shark. The shark starts sinking a little bit because it's having trouble carrying your weight. Can I while punching it rip its teeth out? You can certainly try, but that'll be your next step. Rip its tongue out. Pierce? Uh, heal Leo. You swim down to heal Leo. Alright, good news, bad news? Bad news.
You are sinking. I'll deal with that problem when it comes to it. You do get to heal Leo. That's fine. I'm going to push off Leo. Leo, you recover seven hit points, putting you on, because the first hit point brings you to zero, so you're on six total. Yay, Leo's alive, a bitch. How strong is this shark, by the way? Even if you hadn't taken strength damage, it would be stronger than you.
Wow. This shark is huge. It's like an orca. Like a killer whale. Big, big, big. I'm surprised it didn't just consume Leo. It probably did, to be honest. It just didn't swallow him. Yes, Leo, it's your turn. You've got to swim up. Or do you want to stay on the water? Am I near the shark? You're not in the shark. Am I near the shark? Oh, near the shark? You've got to swim to the shark. I'll swim to the shark.
Yeah, you get the shark. You, like, grab its underside. You're being dragged along with the attack. Bang, bang, bang, bang. Cut him. You grab the shark. Ah, jeez. But the shark is moving at speed. So when you grab it, instead of being, like, grab, stab, it's more like grab. That's good. You're being dragged along with such force that you can't bring your dagger up to hit. Jesus. Ah, Jesus. Fuck, this shark has given us the fucking grapes, man. It's the shark's turn. I'm going to die. Is it like, oh, you have a handle animal.
I have handle animals. Ah, the shark's been trying to get away from you for like a round. Ah, yeah. You grabbed onto it as it was trying to get away. Yeah, yeah. I let go of the shark because I've got handle animals. You're good. Oh, my God. I forgot I had that.
Leo, you see Periwinkle just let go of the shark. It's dragging you along. Can I grab Leo as it goes past and wrench him off the shark? You guys are back under the docks, just moving as you will. I'd like to apologise for my last judgment. 20 hit points ago, the shark was like, this meal is not worth it. Four. It's fine. I'll keep you up light on Periwinkle as well. Periwinkle, you recovered nine hit points. Thank you. We keep going, I suppose. Let's go to the shore. There's no more balls. You get out. You're outside the city, but you're safe.
You can see the dwarven ships up near the docks, and you can see some more ships out to sea. It's hard to make these ones out, but you imagine there'll be further dwarfish ships, and you can tell some dwarven ships, because they're designed around warfare, even like merchant vessels, because dwarves kind of just constantly expect to have to defend themselves, have ballistae and catapults, usually on their ships. So you can see the catapults on these dwarven ships out to sea, hurling flaming balls towards the docks. Oh, God, thank God we're not there anymore. It would be very beautiful if it wasn't fucking terrifying. Are we, like, in, like, a bit of...
Or like, what's the... You're just in reeds, like in among, you know, water trees or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a mangrove. Yeah, a mangrove. Okay, right. So I think we can all assume that Eaton has the weapon. It's not great, because that guy's crazy as shit. He is the highest work for him. He doesn't do dental. Now, um... I'll level you guys. I need that weapon, or I'm going to get... I have my legs. So the Quiet Knife, they want the weapon.
And Greg, why were you here? Yeah, I second that question. Why were you here? All right, cars on the table, that, right? As this girl, you know, a lady, you know, gorgeous. And I'm in love with her, frankly. But she wants me to convert to this religion. You know, the, what's it called? Lady Willow, the Sabres. The Sabres, yeah, right? Want me to convert. They sound terrible. And they say, if you get this weapon for us, Greg, we'll let you convert, right? Diplomacy probably not going to work here, but if we get it to the Sabres and then give it to Little Tegel Eye afterwards, you know. I will do you this. I feel like the takeaway each of you are getting from each other is that Leo is desperate. Periwinkle is trustworthy.
but difficult to move. And Greg Pearce is happy to go along with you, but is untrustworthy. We'll spin on a dime. Hang on. I'm happy for us to work together to steal the weapon, to give it to the sabers, to steal it back from the sabers, and give it to Little O. Steal it back from Little O. On the proviso, at the end of all of this, I end up with the weapon. Yeah, that's fine. What are you doing with it? What happens to the weapon after that? Not your concern. I can promise, hand on heart, I will not use the weapon.
at all. I know there's probably some secret meeting in there, but, um, deal. Yeah, we got a deal. That seems reasonable. Greg Pierce's shirt is, like, kind of torn open from the fighting and stuff like that, and you can see he's got, like, some sort of awful arcane-looking tattoo. You only see a glimpse of it. Ah, but your storied history as a member of the town guard and as a member of the town militia, the town militia, incidentally, are, as you, as we speak, working very hard to destroy that blood cult. You're like, I know where that tattoo's from. So you only want to take it to the savings? Yeah, that's it. How'd you get the blood cult tattooed? Oh, it's misspent you.
Hey, it's Kat Nat from Kat Nat Unfiltered. You know what matters most to us when cooking for our family's freshness. That's why we always choose Metro. Their produce is handpicked, their bread is baked in store, and their butchers custom cut meat to our exact needs. Freshness is the thing that can make a simple meal simply amazing or turn an ordinary bite into an extraordinary night. At Metro, fresh matters because fresh changes everything. Find fresh meals and deals at your local Metro.
Welcome back to Fresh Matters, where we discuss matters of freshness. I'm the grossier here with Kat from Metro. Kat, your produce is impeccable. We have high standards. Meat is custom cut on site to my very delight. Yep, it's important that we... And the baked goods? More like baked grates. Fresh in store every day. So at Metro you would say fresh. Matters? It does! Find fresh meals and deals at Metro!
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