One of my biggest icks is when they, like, wake up and they're confused. If they play games on their phone, when he posts on social media, grown men should have their earrings. Don't message me saying, when am I taking you? I'm wrong.
When you post social media, you're not wrong. How seriously should people take icks? They should be seen as more of a funny thing, not something that actually puts them off their partner. Do you ever get over a ick?
The more you like someone, the more you'll find the icks cuter. Everyone is going to have something that gives you the ick. I remember one of my icks was at the beginning when we were dating. Oh my god!
Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose with Jay Shetty with my favourite person in the world, Radha de Bluekia, and we're diving into topics about things that we talk about, things that we hear about from friends and family, things that you can talk about on a long car journey, after a long day at work, or maybe while you're out at dinner and you want to have a chat about what's going on. So, today's topic is all about icks. You know what icks? I feel like the concept of icks didn't exist when we were dating.
No, maybe they existed, but they didn't have that language. And if anyone's wondering, because you've been sleeping under a rock, what an ick is, the term ick refers to a sudden turnoff or something that instantly kills attraction. Ooh, that's a harsh term. These aren't always rational and they can vary culturally and individually, but there are common patterns reported in dating conversations, social media and psychological observations.
Wow, so official. When did you first discover what icks were? I don't know when, but I feel like now that it's got a name to it, I appreciate it, because I've felt icks my whole life. Really?
Yeah. What, like when you were dating back in the day? Yeah. You know what day didn't run apart from me.
What? It's definitely, I definitely felt icks throughout my life. I've probably felt a few icks with you. What do you mean?
What do you mean? What do you mean? What do you mean? What do you mean?
What do you mean? What do you mean? What? We've had icks on.
So many icks. But icks doesn't mean that you don't love someone. Right. It just means you're like, oh, maybe, you know, don't do that around me.
Right. Yeah, you have icks with me. No. It was your ick with me.
Yeah. What? Anyways, it's about us. Yeah.
We're just having a general conversation about icks, guys. No, they came up, the topic came about because we were in a car journey with my cousins. We went all the way back from the Drake concert, we had a long journey, and somehow we came onto the topic of icks within our relationships, but then also just generally, you know, there's a man with the ick list, which, or the girl. That's mine.
That's my favorite. The guy with the list. Yeah, I love it. If you don't follow a guy with the list, please follow him.
What's the legend? I have no idea who he is. He is hilarious. He's brilliant.
And he just like, he finds all these things that women say or men say are icks about men and women. And he puts them onto a really, really long list. So we started getting into it. And let me tell you, we came up with some crazy ones.
One of my cousins said that she thinks it's icky when her husband uses an indicator in the car. I don't even know how that's an ick, but that wasn't ick. Because what was the reasoning? I don't remember.
She said that it doesn't feel masculine. Muscular enough, yes. Someone else that I spoke to said that she finds it really icky when her husband cries. That's terrible.
So not nice, but also just so funny that people put down the ick list. Well, OK, it's obviously funny, but there's also a little bit of meanness and depth to it that people get turned off so easily these days. And I think it's really sometimes just by getting an ick, they won't go on a second day. I feel like she'll be stopped by reading some really funny icks out.
OK, so when they run after a receipt that's blown away in the wind, that's so true. When they hold their limp umbrella in a strong wind. When they run with a backpack on and it bounces side to side. That's a really good one.
I agree. When they try to get out of a bean bag chair and it takes a full 12 seconds. When they walk, when they call the waiter over, but they walk right past them, these are all very good ones. There are some other really funny ones they do.
What else do we say in the car that was really funny? I don't remember the car ones at all. When they have allergies, that's so rude. When you're driving and they grab the bar.
Yeah, when you are the driver, when the girls are driver and the guy gets scared and holds the side of the car, that's icky. When they get carsick. I get carsick. That's one ick.
It's a really bad thing to go through, actually. When they wear no-show socks, no. Yeah, I agree with that one. Those little panty liner socks.
They are awful. The thong socks is what we should call them. Awful, awful. Is that what you have to say?
Well, look, I think icks of air. But I also think that they should be seen as more of a funny thing, not something that actually puts them off their partner. I think you should end up becoming something that's endearing. Like, you should go from thinking it's an ick to finding a bit cute.
Do you remember one of my ex was at the beginning when we were dating? When you used to do that baby voice with your mum and your sister? Oh my God! I cannot even hear it.
Go on to it, please. I don't do anyone else. Do you do know it though? I don't.
Only my mum and my sister. Mum and sister, suddenly, I was in a room with all three of them and they're all doing this weird baby voice to each other. How is that? Where am I?
And what is happening? Please just do it once. No, I don't do it once. Come on, show them to today.
I literally don't do it anymore because you are... You actually don't do it that much. But you know what you should be who you want to be. I don't do that anymore.
But just don't do that voice around me. What are my icks about you, but what are my icks about you? I don't know. In the beginning?
Being late. Yeah. That is an ick. That's an ick.
You can't be late. I've been ick a whole life than me. Basically. What else?
Skinny jeans. Skinny jeans are a... Skinny jeans are just checking if I was doing it before I said it. Skinny jeans, big ick.
Now they are. At one point, they were fashionable. That's what it is about icks that there was a time when the ick could have been fashionable. Like I know one of our friends, her sister doesn't like men who wear jewelry.
Oh. So that's what I'm trying to understand. It's like how seriously should people take icks? I think they should be taken with a pinch of salt.
You know? I don't think you should take them too seriously. But I think if they're too many icks, they're not going to find that person attractive. That's the problem.
So either you have to work on your tolerance and what you find icky. And maybe some things like you're not wanting your husband to cry in front of you. That may be therapy that's required. Not going to lie.
You may need to really work on that. But other things like flip flops with socks. Give a bit of leeway. Maybe just choose the shoes for your partner the next time they go out.
All right. I'm going to read out a list of icks and we have to decide on a scale of one to ten. How bad they are. All right.
Oh, do we do a yes or no? Is it an ick or not? Yeah, ick or not. All right.
Chewing with their mouth open. ick. For sure. I like it.
No, you know what? Appreciate it. We should be really happy when a plane lands. Yeah, it's not an ick.
Not washing their hands off to the bathroom. ick. That's all around ick. That's not subjective.
Yeah. Asking to split a bill. I don't think that's an ick. But then I like being a self-sufficient woman.
As a man, I always wanted to pick up the bill. I always did when we were dating originally as well. Like there's always something that I wanted to do. And so to me, ick.
That's not an ick for me. Okay. Talking in a baby voice. As a grown arse man.
Absolute ick. I get it now. Using too many hashtags. Oh my gosh.
I'm using too many emojis. As an ick. Being too obsessed with astrology. Blaming everything on being a Gemini.
Oh, that's a bit of an ick. I'll do that. That's an ick. Taking mirror selfies at the gym.
Well, no, no, no. I'll tell you what. There's this girl that I've been seeing at the gym lately. I was like, wow.
Her body's amazing. She must work so hard. I swear. I'm not seeing the left one way in the gym.
All she does is come into the gym in beautiful outfits. She looks amazing. Takes pictures and leaves. So yes, if you're taking pictures off having done a hard workout, not an ick.
If you're coming to the gym in a cute outfit, you're going to have pictures without doing a workout. Oh, another ick. When the man looks in the mirror, more than you do. Ick.
We don't have that problem, obviously. Poor grammar in texts. You're hot instead of you are hot. Yeah.
That might be bad. But it's obvious. Air guitar. When a guy doesn't air guitar.
Or fake golf. Oh my God. No. Or finger guns.
Oh no. Leaving voice notes that are four plus minutes long. Massive ick. Do not leave me a voice note.
No, me and my friends do that. I hate it. Voice notes are such a waste of time. It's like, so I really wanted to tell you this and I don't want this to be long.
Yeah. I don't want this. And I'm thinking about one friend that does it right now. I know.
Drinks cow's milk in a glass. Drinks cow's milk full stop. Ick. Using phrases like let that sink in too seriously.
Cause women females. What the hell is your biology teacher? Oh my God. All right.
Obsessing over a celebrity like they know them personally. Yeah. When I friends that refer to celebrities by their first name, they don't know. It's an ick.
Referring to their exes crazy with no context. You're okay with that. Yeah, I'm right with that. Oh gosh.
So let's help people. Let's think about icks. What's our take? My take is that you should give.
Oh wait. This is a bad question. Yeah. Do you ever get over it?
Can you get over it? Yeah. Like did you get over the ick of me talking a baby voice? Or did I have to stop doing it?
Make sure both. I think the more you like someone the less you'll find like the more you'll find the executor. However, there are just some things that you're going to have the other person's going to have to just stop doing if they've the partner finds it icky more than three times. So how do you tell someone, Hey, I haven't ick about this.
And I think that's the reason I haven't been texting you. That's the reason I haven't been. Oh, how do you do it? Yeah, how would you do it?
I think, I think it'd be really honest in saying that I really like you as a person. But when you wear socks and sandals, it really upsets me because I enjoy fashion and that to me doesn't look like fashion. But I would love to go shoe shopping with you. Yeah.
And help you find shoes that really work well with those socks. Yeah. I remember they're seen in nobody wants this. Do you remember that show?
So with what's his name? Adam Brody and Kristen Bell. And there's a scene where he comes over but he's wearing shorts with a blazer. Yeah.
And she's got the biggest ick. Really? I can't believe it. I'm going to break up with him.
It's a massive thing. And then I think she tells him about it. And I think that is the reality of if you flag it to some of what happens when that person says, well, this is who I am. Is that the end?
I don't know. It depends how much that person really, how invested you are in that person. I do think when you're basing dating someone off a few icks and this is really putting you off to the point where you don't really want to be seen with them or want to hang out with them or just every time you're seeing them, you're feeling icky. It's probably a sign that there's a few too many for you to be able to handle.
Because everyone is going to have something that gives you the ick. And you're not dating the ick. You date a person who is like, do they respond? Do they show up?
Do they call? Do they check in? Like that's what you're doing. You're not dating the person who's backpack dancers when they run.
You don't have to... Get them a different bag. Tie them their backpacks. You don't have to watch that every day.
That's not your life. You know what I mean? I think today people find icks to get out of something they want to get out of. Yeah.
It's an easy reason. It's an easy reason. So it's something you use to justify why you don't want to be with someone. You just aren't attracted to them.
You just aren't into them. You don't want to say that. So you end up coming up with this ick that justifies why you don't want to be them. Yeah, I think so.
I think it's a good, easy way out. Yeah. For sure. Jared Friedu hosts the You Up Podcast, who's a mate of mine.
He says that men... Like an ick would never stop a man from dating someone. If they like someone, they like someone, it doesn't matter. Even if there's an ick.
But from women, it's actually a lot more serious. Do you agree? I think so. Why?
I wonder if a girl's got a bad breath. No, of course it is. But it won't stop her from dating. I don't know.
That's a question for Jared right there. I'm not sure. I mean, for me, to me, that's more than an ick. To me, that's just bad ig.
Like I'm like, that's like a basic human thing that you'd want from everyone, let alone the person. Yeah, that's true. Right. Yeah, I think women definitely are potentially pickier, I'd say.
Really? Things like that. Interesting. Well, I got up here at the top five icks women commonly have about men.
Yeah, go on. Lack of hygiene or grooming. Oh, wait, the women have about men. Yeah.
That's a good question. Wow. Smelling bad or being generally uncapped ranks high in surveys. Wow.
However, I would say I know a lot of friends who are with guys who don't smell great. Oh, interesting. No. Number two is icks that women have about men overconfidence or cockiness.
That's a big ick. It gets bragging. Or acting like a know it all is often perceived as insecurity masked as arrogance. I like that.
That's a good one. Let's talk about that. What is the difference between confidence and cockiness and confidence and arrogance for you? I think arrogance is when you are trying to prove to someone that what you're worth is when you're trying to prove to someone that you feel better than something else or someone else.
And I think confidence is, you know, confidence, I just find it so much quieter. It's like you just show up with energy that is you are supporting your own self. You're not trying to put other people down in trying to make yourself look better. A lot of the time with arrogance, people are trying to put other people down or they're acting in a way that feels superior.
I think that's a difference. Arrogance is superiority. Confidence is being able to carry yourself with respect for yourself. Yeah.
I think you really see the difference when people are talking, acting, how they act towards other people, how they act towards you, the things that they say in conversation even on a day. It's so obvious when someone is cocky. I'm using cockiness comes from insecurity. Yeah.
I definitely think over confidence arrogance is a turn off for everyone. Exactly. It's not endearing. It's not impressive.
You switch off really quickly. Yeah. That makes a lot of sense. Number three is immaturity or childish behavior.
This includes playing too many video games, making crude jokes or being emotionally unavailable or avoidant. Those are all X for women. Like serious X. Yeah.
I think the childish behavior, it's interesting because I think some women actually, depending on what traumas they've been through when they've been younger, babying a man is what they've been used to or are attracted to. Interesting. A man to save, a man to look after, a man to care for. So I actually see a lot more women, well, I see a lot of powerful women ending up with people like that where they have to look after them.
Interesting. But I can understand why it should be a turn off because you don't want to be mothering your boyfriend or your partner. Yeah. I think it's really interesting.
I think sometimes women get into relationships hoping the man will change. Yes. And men get into relationships hoping the women will never change. Yes.
That's so true. What ends up happening is that the man doesn't change and the woman does. So it's the opposite way. And when you get into relationships with a guy who plays video games, he's not just going to stop playing video games the moment you get married.
That's what he does. And you're not going to change that about him. And I think that's what's so interesting about these icks is that if something really affects you, you should know it's less likely to change than more likely, especially if it's something conditioned and deeply apart of their life. Right?
And so if something does affect you that deeply, the two questions you have to ask is, why does this trigger me so much? And am I okay if this never changes? I think that's really important. It is.
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See, I think there's a difference between Ix now and what makes someone feel secure in a relationship because that's a big security part of a relationship where if you feel confused about where you stand, if the person isn't communicating the way that makes you feel wanted, that actually breathes in security in a relationship. And I think that more than an Iq, that is probably a series. And Iq to me is something that's not a serious problem. And Iq to me is something slightly silly that your mind's fixated on, but there is a bit of humor to it, whereas this doesn't seem like an Iq, it seems like more of a serious issue because you don't know what you stand in the relationship.
That you have to know the difference between an Iq and something that is actually fundamental. That's really interesting because usually we overvalue an Iq and we undervalue a fundamental. So if someone runs with their backpack bouncing, we think oh my gosh, they're so unattractive, but if someone doesn't reply, you're like, oh, they must be busy, right? So we make excuses for the fundamentals, but we over amplify Ix, which is a really weird thing in our mind.
Why do we do that? Right? Yeah, it's so true. It's such an interesting thing.
I feel like so many people are like, I just can't deal with the fact that he wears, you know, ankle socks or whatever it is. And it's like, well, wait a minute, that guy replies to every message. That guy shows up when he says he's going to show up. But the guy who's really attractive doesn't show up on time, doesn't message you back.
But even though he has all of that, you don't care. No. Why do we do that? Why do we justify people's bad behavior?
I ultimately think it's because when you're attracted to someone and you're into someone, you will justify anything they do. Yeah. Because you're just so excited about the fact that that person might be into you. If someone shows you attention, if someone cares about you.
But if someone is someone that you don't find that attractive isn't your type, even if they're like the kindest and nicest person, you don't care. Okay. I was actually reading something. I was at this morning, came up on my Instagram that when you are obsessed with someone, your actual physiology in your mind changes so that even the things that you normally find unattractive, you find attractive in them.
Especially if it's in a toxic relationship. When it's a toxic relationship where things are up and down, apparently the hormones in your body, the chemicals in your mind end up finding even the things that are absolutely grotesque. But actually, even if the person has bad breath, you don't smell the bad breath. Wow.
Even if the person, you get used to even their smell and the way that they speak and everything that you normally find disgusting and someone else that other people may even notice, you don't. That's why it's so funny. You know, when you end up seeing someone that you're friends data and how in the world, especially if they weren't a good person. Maybe physically they don't match either.
It's like a shallow Halifax, where the person is literally seeing a completely different version to the person that they actually are. That's fascinating. That is so true as well. So true.
I want to go through the list of the top five X men have about women. Number one. Can I say one more thing? It's like, for example, I remember I really disliked smoking when I was going up.
But then I remember thinking this guy, my college was really attractive and but he was a smoker. And at that point, I was like, oh, wow, I actually like the smell of smoke. I ended up thinking I liked the smell of smoke. Even though I absolutely despise smoking.
And my friends have said the same thing when they've dated people who drink alcohol or when they've dated me, they absolutely hate it. We never do it themselves. But because they were obsessed with that person, although that person, suddenly what they do becomes attractive. That's why it's so interesting.
Yeah. And that's why it's so important to choose someone in your life that actually has the habits and things you want because you're going to be influenced. Right. Right.
I know I don't want to do it. I just, in my mind's shifted to all of it. If you stayed with that person or got whatever that slowly would become your lifestyle. Yeah, maybe.
So interesting. The fact that your mind can shift something you really don't like just because someone that you like does it. Yeah. Yeah.
Talking only about appearances, name dropping or obsessing over social media and selfies. Yeah. Yeah. It's frustrating.
I love a good selfie. I know you do. I am your Instagram husband and I never get a photo credit. Ever.
If you went to a marriage, you don't need a photo card. What? It's just part of the relationship. Right.
Okay. Yeah. That's an ick. And number two, playing mind games, being intentionally vague, manipulative or using passive aggressive types.
That's a fundamental problem. Yeah. That's not an ick. I feel like that's a fundamental issue.
Yeah. Number three, entitlement or materialism, expecting to be spoiled without reciprocation or judging people based on money status or possession. Yeah. Because that gives them the ability to princess.
Well, some relationships like that because then it becomes an easy way of showing status or an easy way of showing prowess. Yeah. I don't love that though. I'm not a fan of that.
Number four, being overly dramatic or constantly negative. Oh my God. That's exactly it. I struggled with that a lot.
I felt like I dated a lot of people who were like that all the time, but really small things. And I felt like I had to constantly guess what their mood was going to be. And that is not an ick. It's a big fundamental.
Yeah. It was really challenging to feel as a teenager, to feel you had to be the emotional regulator. Right. So the difference between being patient, being compassionate, being kind, and then literally someone asking you to be their emotional regulator.
Mm-hmm. And then, yeah, fifth and finally, lack of accountability, blaming others for everything, never admitting when they're wrong or constantly playing the victim. It's all like serious icks. Yeah.
It's quite a strong list, actually. Yeah. Because the guy with the list comes up with much easier stuff. Can you build up some guy with the list stuff?
Yeah, let's do this. Let's do this. Let's do it. Guy with the list.
We love you. We love you. Don't send her an Instagram reel. That's it.
Yeah. Okay, next. You know when you go to an event and leave early? You don't have to leave 20 minutes early or 10 minutes early or 10.
What else is that urgent that you need to get home for rather than the thing that you need to go and see. That will never, that will just be the truth. That's you. That's me.
You are that. She has an ink with you. Yeah. I love these are visuals.
I'm sorry to say, if you have an iPad ticket back, it, it. An iPad is so icky. I don't know why do you have an iPad book or should use your phone. Yeah, you know what I forgot?
I've got an iPad mini. No. A little iPad mini. Like a fit in one hand.
What do you mean? Nah, there's something about that. A cheaper than the bigger iPad. Oh, no.
Mini anything. Like a small phone. I've just unlocked a new egg. Tell me why I was just at the dog park and I met the cutest guy, the sweetest little dog, but in the middle of our conversation, he started screaming his dog's name, calling him five times.
And I don't know why, but in that moment, he just became so unattractive to me. Oh, like I just, I got my dog and I left. These girls are amazing. Don't scream at your dog in the dog box.
She's hilarious. No wonder everyone's single. It's rough out there. Worst text to send a girl.
The morning text. Good morning, sweetheart. How are you doing? Hope you slept well.
That text is not masculine. That is not a good text. It shows needy. It just shows that like, oh, I was thinking about you and I was hoping your morning was going well.
That's not what you want to come across as always, always remember texting is only to set up a date. Men fall into this trap of sending good morning texts, sending texts like, hey, how was your week and wanting to talk and have these big elaborate conversation over text. But what happens is you fall into friend zone or you become prepared now. No morning text.
Well, it's rough out there for guys. Oh, that's a lot. Well, that's a lot. I think the takeaway is know the difference between x and fundamentals.
Yes. We all have it. Even the person you marry. You love it.
And you can still love each other. Yeah, you can. Thank you so much for watching. This is a lovely little funny episode, wasn't it?
Well, it's spontaneous. Yeah. I love it. We love a good dick.
We do, don't we? Hey, everyone. If you love that conversation, go and check out my episode with the world's leading therapist, Laurie Gottlieb, where she answers the biggest questions that people ask in therapy when it comes to love, relationships, heartbreak and dating. If you're trying to figure out that space right now, you won't want to miss this conversation.
If it's a romantic relationship, hold hands. It's really hard to argue. It actually calms your nervous systems. Just hold hands as you're having a conversation.
It's so lovely.