Jealousy & Envy

Ninth grade English probably taught me the difference between jealousy and envyBut it didn’t stickI just wrote a whole post on jealousyAnd in speaking to my sister learned that what I’d written about wasn’t jealousy at all!Humbling, but wonderful, to always be learning.So, as you probably already know, jealousy is fearing losing something you have to someone elseWhich makes sense now with jealous husbands and the term jealously guardingEnvy is wanting something someone else hasSo, now that I’m using the proper terminology:I attended a seminar in maybe 2013 by a woman named Sheva CarrIt was very good in a lot of waysBut my biggest takeaway was this:When you covet what someone else hasThat’s a sure sign of your values - there is something in there informing you what you truly wantAnd something about the way she offered it landed it right in my heartAnd this teaching actually made me appreciate when others had something that evoked a response in meAllowing me to be truly happy for them, and grateful for their holding something up to let me know I wanted it too.And that has been a very nice relationship with witnessing others’ successUntil this week.For the first time in I-don’t-know-how-long, but a long timeI was reading a book, and I got angry, envious, with a knot of frustrated tension in my heartIt was an awful feelingSomeone had recommended Jen Hatmaker’s book Awake, chronicling her divorce, split from evangelicalism and shift to social justice advocacy.In it, she talks about being coerced into hosting a woman’s group at her husband’s church years agoAnd how she immediately loved it and it became her thing, and now she has 13 books, etc., etc., etc.Do you know how many women’s groups I’ve started?At least 15. Spiritual circles, creative spaces, health support groups, so many groups.I immediately loved it, tooBut she has 13 books, and I cannot buy myself shoesShe was even allowed to completely change her tune, and she is flourishing professionallyAnd I am flailingAnd it got me. I felt angry and envious. And it felt awful, but I couldn’t stop it.I looked for brokenheartedness under it, but that’s not what I feltWhat I could find was a tender, patient, ‘that’s not your journey’And an inner plea, “then take me to my journey!”And a wisened, “you’re on your journey”And my anger downgraded to frustrationAnd my envy went back to: I guess that’s showing me what I really want.But, boy, has it been uncomfortableWhat’s funny is:Just a few days later, a friend got bad news at work on a Friday, filled out some online applications, and got another offer on MondayI was wowed by her badasseryAnd I was humbled, and even a bit ashamed that my experience bears no resemblence to hersBut I wasn’t envious at allBut truly delighted that she just showed me that it can even happen that wayHonestly, it surprised me at a biological levelThat having found this negative emotion around someone else’s successIt didn’t apply to the most obvious, immediate exampleIt is relieving, thoughTo be genuinely happy for someone who had what I would also likeI prefer that energy, for sureAs I continue to learn about myselfAnd the worldAnd the English languageThat life is subtle and complex, simple and surprisingAnd it’s reassuring to knowThere’s always more to learn! This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com