Welcome to another episode of Jesse Wilders Guide to Life. I'm Jesse, that's Wilder, and we're here to guide your life. It's a fact. And we got a really special episode for you today.
I don't really have an intro. Very special episode. Sort of a make a wish situation. It's an episode that I've been begging for for so long.
It's true. We talked about the process by which we do. I was just about to say, I don't think so. No.
OK, why don't you explain it to him? Yeah, I'll explain this very refined process we have for coming up with ideas for this. There's two ways. First is we get something in.
Well, pause for one moment. I just allow the listener to think. What do you guys think? You're probably exactly right.
Right. So the one way is that we'll get a cometer suggestion from someone, and it's always better than anything we could think of. Shout out to baby car car, shout out to Jacob Rubin, shout out to I believe Johnny Stanton, all of which have suggested episodes that we did and ended up being great. The way that we generate most of these episodes is Wilder and I, I would say, have a daily text where we just talk about dumb shit.
I mean, we're just constantly texting each other. Very stupid shit. And we'll just be having a conversation that will reach a critical mass of stupidity. And then one of us will go, oh, bro, episode.
We got to do an episode on this. Yeah, yeah, yeah, perfect. And I could not begin to recall most of the episodes, but in particular, this one, I have no idea. I put them all down in a little notepad.
And like, keep in mind, I'm never going rogue, right? I'm never just secretly putting in my own little wish for an episode. This one has been written down for what, six months, eight months already? Oh, gotta be more, right?
Because we took almost a damn here hiatus. Yeah, I feel like it has straight up been on since the before the pandemic. I've been trying to get him to agree to it for quite some time. He has not wanted to, mostly on account of what the fuck does it mean?
Right. And I couldn't, most of them I could sort of trace a line kind of like, oh, we must have come up with this when you're talking about this type of thing. This one, I have no idea. No idea.
No idea. Light memory. No idea. Light is a wizard.
Welcome to it. Yeah. OK, so I think as a wizard. Could you establish, I would like to establish before we get into any rubric making, like what the fuck this means?
OK, so first of all, we're calling it life as a wizard, but this is like a non-gendered thing, right? This could be which warlock, you know, one of the classic magical people, sorcerer. Right. And I, depending on what your, what your fiction is, wizard is a gender neutral term.
So like an D&D, a wizard could be a male or a female. Great. I'm picturing, you know, a classic wizard. But of course, explain what that means.
Explain what it means. Like a picturing Gandalf. Right. Or dumbly-dumbly-dlor.
Right. OK, so we're not talking about, first of all, we're not talking about all magic users. And yes, guys, don't worry. I will put a moratorium on the amount of times McGrath can say the Dumbledore quote from when they're drinking a clam juice.
Oh my god. I've been just, I mean, it's just- Get it out. You want to get it out. It's going to- But I also think that I don't care for, and I guess this could just be in the Rupert Sunpoint.
But like, what was that movie with Nick Cage? Sorcerer's Apprentice? Sorcerer's Apprentice. Yeah, I don't care for that type of wizard.
Like cool. What is that type of wizard? Do you just mean Nicholas Cage? Because that's what that type of wizard is.
No, I just mean, you said you're envisioning like a classic wizard, which I assume means like a robe, like a big pointy hat. I would like to- What do you think about sticking this in like wizard times too? You know what I mean? Like I feel like the world where buildings should be sort of like fantasy realm-esque.
I don't know if I agree with that. Like modern wizard? Oh my god, hollum. Yeah, modern wizard.
The worst ABC show they could ever pick. Yeah, the modern wizard is the name of my next album. I don't think it necessarily has to be in a fantasy time. And I will tell you why.
And this is something that you're not going to care about. But there is a farming sim called Stardew Valley, many of which- Oh yes, of course. I'm sure you've heard of it. And that game is like, it's got some like weird little, you know, there's like little slimes in a cave you could kill.
It's got some fantasy elements. But mostly it's just a farm sim. And until you find that there is a wizard, spoiler alert for you folks. And I like that idea that like just, if we just looked hard enough, the wizards are among us.
That's sort of my message in general. Right. And if you can't find one, that means it's within you. So setting.
Yeah. We're going to do a couple of the touchstones for Wizardry that we know. And I can tell you, for no particular reason other than how our rubrics function, any Harry Potter shit is almost going to be last always. What do you mean last?
So setting? So I mean, a one. So like for setting school. Oh, bro.
No. Okay, I don't agree at all. Are you kidding me? You want to be at school?
You fucking nerd? Well, not what I want to be. Are you talking about? Okay, I don't understand the fucking topic.
Are you talking about places that it's tight to be a wizard? The setting is rough. Where is your wizard? Where is he set?
Where are they set? Well, but like school is not a fair way to like that's not like their whole lives take place. Well, it is pretty much where their whole lives take place. Yeah, dude.
It's a boarding school. Yeah. Okay. But like think about how fucking much better school would have been if you had magic powers, idiot.
I guess you see the books I got to redo that and then I have computers. Think about that. No, no, no, that doesn't have anything to do with being a wizard. I had to read lots of books and when I was in school and I just didn't.
Oh my God. So when you want to give school a two? Yeah. You get into antics.
I mean school sucks because look, we all know school sucks. Anyone who devotes their life to working in the school system also sucks. Yeah, big idiots. But if you're a wizard, oh my God, I'll fucking figure out a way to get my homework done without me even being there.
Oh my God. So you're one of the Weasley boys. We're one of those little Weasley. Yeah.
I was talking about this with Kate before we started and she suggested one of the top things that wizard could do is open a joke shop. I think that is so unbelievably wack. Yeah. So I would like to put that in number one as a one.
Yeah. Okay. Good. So you agree that it's like professional endeavors?
Yeah. Joke shop is so fucking lame. Like joke shop is really awful. They have those at Disneyland.
That's not for wizards. Yeah. What do we think about like fantasy realm? Because I kind of think that's where wizards thrive, right?
Everyone already knows your shit and they're scared of you. You get some respect though you might. Yeah. I think fantasy realm as a setting might also be a two because like you're not necessarily the most powerful.
I wrote wizard as number two. That's can't be it because like your big shit supreme until a fucking centaur walks up to you and then you're shit in your robe, you know. Oh, you love centaurs? They're just scary, bruv.
Horses already scary. You're giving me a horse like a hold like an axe. Horses and men the two scariest men. Jesus Christ, that's the most dangerous game.
This is fucking centaurs. Holy shit. Okay, I feel like we have to do appearances one, right? I am a fan of the classic wizard.
I wouldn't really improve it except for maybe like a sick fucking pair of cowboy boots. Okay. I love that. I do feel like every time it comes to designing an outfit we put cowboy boots at a very quite lit.
Yeah, something that neither of us own. I am certain of. Correct. Because what kind of shoes are they normally wearing?
What does Gandalf got under his big robe? Anything? Let's take a look. Let's see Gandalf shoes.
He's got ballet flats. Okay, he's got like some boot. He's got like the lace up boots. You.
I also when I type this in, obviously, Converse has some nasty Gandalf shit. What's going on? Oh, what? You should search Gandalf shoes.
It'll come up. Yeah, these converse. Oh, there's also a shot, I guess, in the movie where you can see his little fucking Adidas. Oh, he's got deeds on.
Oh, we've stumbled on something that the internet's already well aware of, by the way. There's like, I guess, a few shots in Lord of the Rings where you can see, you know, McCallen just rocking some sneaks. Okay, but sneakers, I think, are also a three. Oh, very fucking fresh.
Some nice, like, high-top chucks. Sneakers? I mean, obviously sneaker heads are big dorks, but I would, it would be tight if you just cast a fucking fireball at someone and then stepped away and you were just wearing some fucking like KD 11s, some crisp Jordans or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You pull up your robe and step over them, you know? You do the step over? You just pull a fucking full on Allen Iverson, but I love that. I think that mode of transport should be an option too.
Okay. So like, Gandalf, that freakin' half loves to ride around on a bunch of big eagles. That's out for me, dude. That's too scary.
I don't like that. Okay, but it is, that does strike fear in the hearts of your enemies if you pull up on an eagle. It strikes me in the heart of myself. I don't like it on the back of a big fucking eagle.
Would you even go near an eagle? I would sooner get on a dragon. Dragon, come on. Okay, so can we say dragon two eagle one?
Because dragon very scary. Because dragon I feel like comes with the obvious drawbacks of like if it ever wants to turn on you, you are so fucked. Yeah, and where do you keep it? I know, there's no garage big enough for me to park my big draboon.
Motorcycle, very quite lit. No, you're wearing a robe. You're just building a microwave. Exactly.
All the boots on is a motorcycle. You get the rope flowing behind you? Oh, here comes Gandalf, baby. You got some step in wolf playing as he pulls up.
Hell yeah. Motorcycle is a two. I'll give you two. You're out of your mind.
Do they ever ride a centaur? Is that allowed? You can't ride that, right? No.
I don't think they do not like that very much. Can wizards ever just fly on their own? That would be so lame. Fly.
Well, if we're not gendering it and we're going witch, I mean that broomstick is a classic, right? Well, but why are you gendering broomstick? When the clearest reference I have for broomstick is Harry Potter a witch. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Come on. Okay, broomstick. I kind of think it sucks. Yeah, it seems like shit.
You can just break it. That seems like a fucking one and a half. But hobbies though, Quidditch is very quite lit. That seems fun, dude.
I guess I would almost rather play any other sport though. Like Quidditch. Rather play any other sport. Okay.
Okay, Quidditch. I'm up against it. You're thinking in a weird way, you're like you want to be not the dope shit around. Imagine a wizard in the NBA.
You would be unkillable. You would fucking yam on everyone but have 95 points of games. Yeah, and you would just blast them with your staff. That's what I'm saying.
Quidditch accessories. Hello. Okay, yeah. Hold on.
All right. Yes, accessories. You bottle up my juices which are flowing. Yeah, go ahead.
What do you got for accessories? Staff. It's a classic. I'm into it.
Can I put accessories with appearance? Is that fine? Appearance and accessories. How about that?
Better than wand. Wand a two or a one. Wand? I can't think of a single good thing about a wand.
It's so silly looking. It was like a take a little pencil out of your pocket. You dorks. Cool pencil sucks but pencil at a one.
Okay. Jesus, that's some kind of trash. Yeah. I think that this is an appropriate episode to bring out.
I just thought about this is Wilder and I are partially even know each other because in out of a class that we had together we were paired together randomly and in a creative writing class at SF State didn't know each other and we both thought it was so funny to write this like Harry Potter parody. Wait, what? Do you remember that? The first.
I remember the class. So the first the reason we were even talking to each other because think about it. Like why would you talk to anyone in a college class? Like I correct.
Okay. You really you spend 100% of your effort trying not to. Yes. You just close your eyes and open up.
Nobody knows this. One of the first things we wrote together was this like Harry Potter parody. I don't remember anything except for we thought it was so funny because we it was like sexy. Oh, it was like a Romeo and you were like a and we said talked about bonificous tote.
Bonificous tote. The only thing I remember. Yeah. Well, why would you remember anything else that is comedy gold?
Yeah. Sure. Okay. So bonificous tote is a bonus point I believe.
And then I think the thing that really got us is that we were like we have the same birthday. We're right now. We sealed the deal at that point. Came across the table at each other.
Yeah. We put an NBA as a very quite lit setting. Is that a setting or is that like a professional endeavor? It's a basketball professional NBA player.
I think I think professional professional sports. Professional athlete. I mean is there any sports that would not be conducive to being a wizard? I just think you're always going to wamp ass.
Like what? Yeah, but that's fucking cheating dude. Oh, baby waboo kid. It's cool and cares about cheating now.
Oh my god. If I was playing in the finals and then you know I'm winning then I got this guy coming off the bench. It's a wizard. I would be freaking pissed.
I know you got to hide it though. Like they do with what's his bucket in the Incredibles. How about the kid? A little bow out on like Mike.
He basically is a wizard. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the Incredibles. The Pixar film.
Yeah. The kid is really fast and he runs track and they're like hold on you got to get second place or whatever. Yeah. That sounds like it sucks.
No, that's tight. You have to have your own wizard league. And think about how sick you it would be to just like come to the league everyone's like who you just put 50 on LeBron's head and the whole time you have this long gray beard and you don't take off your pointy hat and you're like as you run you have to like keep it on with one hand. Yeah.
Go. It's the ultimate setting. I like I like I like regular I don't know what to say like modern but you got to keep that shit a secret in modern day and see realm. It's like oh fuck a wizard.
You get some respect. I don't want to keep my wizard power secret. But you the problem is that you're facing the difference between what we're talking about which I guess is says a lot about us is that you want to brag to people like look at my big shit wizard powers. I just want to turn it into like I don't even want to need to brag.
I want to walk into you know the local tavern and have everyone quiet down and be like oh here's the wizard. Yeah I suppose but I just yeah all right. Okay. Hobbies we have hobbies already.
I kind of had that as professional endeavors. I don't know what hobbies you talk about. Okay so like you know like wizards specifically Gandalf loves a song that sucks. He's always doing like songs.
All right. Yeah. Hobbies. Oh and skills is skills because you know how you get all blows sick fucking smoke rings.
You think that ship. Oh my god the coolest I've ever seen. I'm gonna say skills and powers. Yeah okay cool.
And I want one that's I'm gonna put one that's I think very pretty good to me and it is having to say the name of a spell. Oh my god you think that's very pretty good. Well the only the only. The only.
The only. The only. No the only reason it's not a one to me is because like sort of like the respect thing you're talking about here is like it's almost like in this is such a stupid comparison but it's almost like in Pokemon where it's like Pikachu use Thunderbolt and I just feel like as soon as Ash says that the other Pokemon must shit their pants like oh god fuck I'm dead. I'm so fucking dead.
I would love to shout like fucking you know moonbeam or whatever the fuck and then they're just like no. Then they fucking torture the rest you know. They just do that anyways if you struck them with a moonbeam dog yeah I like I like being able to call my shot I can't agree with that one sucks you don't like to you don't like the verbal command I'll go put it in one but also like because it comes with like sometimes it's not as simple as moonbeam sometimes you gotta do some Latin or some incantations I hate that little commands what if God sometimes they got a rhyme it gotta be like a poem oh yeah that's no good I also if we're gonna toss a verbal component in into into a one then I think a physical component also a one if it's like I need will Spain to do this spell like eat my shit god what a drag yeah oh I can't do that right now how many. I need some nightshade okay oh my god right I just want to point my thingy shit and fucking swizzle bizzle him occupational hazards I don't know if this is a category but like if you are a wizard people probably trying to get you you know that's not so tight right see and that's my that's kind of my argument against fantasy realm is that's only happening well that's why it's a two if that's going on what's the worst what's a very not quite lit for where to live I mean like I mean I like Salem witch trial times I was literally just looking up the date yeah I was like 1600 or something so like I don't know like Massachusetts 1692 mode of transport okay a car obviously got to be a one right just the worst thing if the wizard to trans he's got to get in his sob but like what if it's like that come on cars at two if any it's not a one okay how about footsees that's a one I feel like a lot of wizards are like let's walk oh my god I think teleportation probably is a very quite land yeah I gotta be you know that's like a whole thing in the Harry Potos yeah except for I want to be a wizard that doesn't have to like I feel like to teleport for them they got to do the little port what is it a little port ahead no yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah porta said yeah and they got to like jump into a fire whatever I just want to fucking be like I gotta go sump and then just go where I need to go with the fire and they tell Harry to speak very very clearly and he mumbles more than he ever has in his life right you talk about that stupid shit the fireplace oh my god fireplace travel bro is a one that thing what is that called flu network yeah something yes damn that sucks out loud yeah where do you where do where does a wizard live so this got to be setting to I think but I'm talking about a like your home I know I know I you know we're talking a lot of traditional things and I'm gonna stay in that lane I do love like a wizard's tower yeah tower the tallest tower are we a good wizard or a bad wizard I'm so glad you asked I'd like to think I'm a little bit of bull yeah yeah yeah yeah sort of an anti-hero maybe a little bit of rogue yeah I feel like a lot of as far as professional endeavors I feel like a lot of wizards their whole thing is like to go on adventures what do we think that is is that a two I mean it's a two because like I can't think of anyone more student to an adventure then a wizard what about squad well then I feel like we're just like a different topic almost another point but I guess we could do you want to surround yourself with if you're living your life as a wizard because like hobbits are a one dude yeah hobbits are one oh my god all they do is get into trouble like I don't want an apprentice younger wizards also a one students oh my god teens yeah I don't want an apprentice I want to be I don't want who is the source apprentice is it fucking your boy you know Jack like a printer yeah teens get teens out of here yeah yeah like a little Hogwarts yeah this is another one I think we're dog is probably a two huh yeah I don't think I'm I don't I hate to say this but like you need something that's gonna be able to travel with you and a dog I kind of think you need a bird and I cannot leave him saying this because I hate birds no dude no dude you you you may say Eagle bro right on one yikes okay so how about this compromise at a two we stick animal companion okay yeah yeah sure because if you're rolling around in a car like you said a fluke vet you put that doggy in this passenger seat and that's kind of sick I think a very pretty good is also like a like a nemesis because like it does keep you know keeps you going I like it what other wizard hobbies are there so many wizard hobbies I mean casting spells not really a hobby is it sort of your whole deal about like sources of apprentice that the or not that what's the animated sort of the stone you know how they you know they can do the dishes and shit am I combining different Disney movies is that what's I don't know what the fuck yeah I don't it sounds like you're talking about doing the dishes really magic very quite lit I you think that's a three you think I chores chores becomes fucking chum-chum when you're but yeah but you're calling chores as a three hobby and I get what you're doing but it just is tight you get to fucking cast a spell and walk without the dough yeah you're washing your bet easy peasy washing that bet dude I mean another hot I don't this is like maybe no this is professional developer again to be like a to be like a teacher fucking it's lame oh you know what sucks for setting behind a curtain we just talking about the wizard of Oz a fake wizard huh yeah okay that one's not great professional developers I think a two is protecting some great item or something you know I'm talking about like one of wizards like I've been I've been you know given this this talisman to protect or whatever the fuck oh my god sure that is not even a good one yeah your favorite chores I think that's a two because at least you don't have mean there's you're always looking over your shoulder which sucks but at least you're not like out adventure adventuring sounds like a fucking so extra to me hey bro what do you know about Merlin I know nothing Merlin other than his name neither do I I don't know a dang thing about yeah well you know who loved a wizard Billy Shakespeare did he know I feel like there's all kinds of wizards going on in his yeah he do got a lot of like witchcraft for sure what about oh oh oh you know who's got cool stuff going on I think this is maybe more of a sorcerer than a wizard go on but Doc Strange cool portals yeah portals bro yeah I mean portals yeah I mean portals kind of just a bunk version of teleporting though huh maybe that's a two teleporting different that's just you I'm talking about yeah yeah yeah you're it's you want a hundred people to pop out yeah and you could you could open up a portal with just like toss a grenade and close that and like he can control time which is not too heavy what do we do with a wizard with a gun is a gun of bad access or what a fucking wiener yeah grow up you teenager is there any kind of gun that would be cool no no none because you would she what are you doing what do you unless you're like you might as well not be a wizard yeah it's so fucking lame guns are of a permanent one all the time anywhere in place especially if you have magic yeah especially if you got a little wand what do we think about just like like fantasy weaponry swords man arrows I guess a two now it's also one Gandalf got that sword sometimes but it's like what are you using that for dude I mean like I guess you could maybe swing a two my only like counter to it which I don't even know if this is the same thing but I am a little interested in potions and that oh we have a potion head yeah little alchemist that's kind of a I feel like a little sub-sector wizardry wizardry is posh and I do like the idea of some like little little potions that I'm gonna throw my name in the potions is a very pretty good because like that's chemistry bro right I hate to tell you you like potions so much you could just make some potions well not yourself a little set of eakers not the ones that wizards make stupid you could just have a broomstick to which I'm playing quidditch you mornin yeah potions not so bad also I think like a two for mode of transport is a horse I guess like kind of classic I think anybody looks cool rolling up on a horse are you sure it's a two I think it's a one oh come on why is it too because everyone looks good on a horse they're scary in the front outer space oh my god I can tell you two folks that I bet don't look good on a horse it's me and you I disagree that should be the next cover art for our oh my god just us sitting on some fucking horses in our wizard robes with our cool fucking cowboy boots we're on the same horse we think about that oh same horse but sitting butt to butt so we're facing different directions with our arms crossed yeah perfect oh shit that's a good appearance gone not having a nose like Voldemort I'm so sorry to say his name oh yeah no news no no thanks actually I'm just gonna put Voldemort in general yeah a bad look all around yeah not a great one his whole shtick other wizards to draw some inspiration from okay okay let me let me let me just dig into my because I got the I got the dnd like sure the leer that I'm ready to just shelling out skills and powers we think about elemental powers I'm talking ice I'm talking lightning I'm talking fire it's yeah storm very quite lit I think yeah that's a right it's so tight weather control fuck yeah okay I got another one for you get me necromancy raising the dead what do you think about that it's a two gotta be right you hang out with a bunch of spooky skeletons and fucking Zombos what a stinky screw you have they don't listen to me now they do dude that's the whole thing there's no chance that you like you pop you pop a scaling to now the ground and they're like fuck you dude oh there's no chance no chance your necromance everything there is to know about recently risen skillington as as someone who formerly was a scalington I know what about uh what about druids talk about animal shape shifting talking about like a fucking animal or talk about oh animals I hate it but okay but drew it also you get animal you get to control and summon animals you just like here's a bear wait like just out of the air yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah or you have to wait for it to like run over to you know dude no dude you could just be like um I summon a fucking crocodile and I turn into a horse what are you gonna do now you turn into any animal or you just got like your one thing like you could become a wolf at night or well it depends it depends how good you are right but no you can always turn into other things just like at first you can only turn into little things you turn to like a little rat or a mole or a fucking cat or something stupid but you get strong enough and you turn into a ding dinosaur or a frickin beluga whale whatever you want it's okay I'll give you that I'll give you that one is a very quite lit what about spells like what are the good spells already told you moonbeam baby is nothing I don't know what that means you're just doing Pokemon and healing come on that's that's a pretty that's a banger right healing not a bang right but if you got like magic tears healing magic tears come on that's a one the cry baby wizard come on I wish I could help guys but I can't cry yeah well if you're really tough get what you're gonna do magic tears like that and I think healing is a two I think healing is super important but I think that part of being a two because I think that part of being a whiz is that I want to look fucking cool and I just don't think healers look cool I think they come up and like touch people on the shoulders and they're like oh and they come back I just think it's like it's a little lame oh my god healing injuries is too lame from a graph look man I hope that you break your ankle right next to a wizard and then he looks at you and he's like lame and walks away I break my ankle fucking summoning a cool ass crocodile or something and then I'm like bro do your job and heal my ankle like you sit on the sidelines do you're like the athletic trainer all the players are on the field come on is like hypnosis and mind control kind of power is that basically just doing superpowers but no I think mind control could be a whizzy power I might mind control feels like a three huh yeah I can't I just can't see a downside you're like really fucking people up what's the ultimate squad I kind of think that solo is the wizard move huh yeah I think so too because you're just already so tight that no matter what your crew is like fine yeah I'm like a troll and a werewolf okay but whatever fucking whatever please yeah exactly exactly like get out of here I kind of this is why I kind of want to put animal companion as a three yeah I'm fine with it I think that I think that that's the best that's the best case scenario because then you're not yeah you just hang out with your little hawk or your little you know desert mouse or whatever you've got desert mouse desert that's a very not quite lit setting for a wizard I think yeah I need stuff to blow up and people to scare I can't wait but you can also make like a little cool oasis situation right I mean I guess but you could be that champagne supernova in the sky but you could do that on an island and not in the desert you know see I think what you're talking about is island wizard what do we think about island wizard is the follow up album right yes would you can we say island is to at least please yeah I get I mean I don't know how we're judging this well it's the setting that's the I island feels limited I don't know I'm specifically sort of in my head this wizard lives on skull island with like all the freaky King Kong shit oh and he sort of that sort of his steez so skull island is a really bad one thank you for bringing the skull island is a very not quite lit what about just like the concrete jungle bro oh talking big city I think I think that's a three oh you think it's a three why three because it's a lot of possibilities my only my only fear with that is you're dealing with a lot of collateral damage like I drop a moon beam on you well I just dropped it through 18 stories in apartment building I killed 14 people you need to chill on the moon beams I've told you once you want to talk about clamjuice or what it sounds like you you want me to talk about the claims requiring clamjuice to live is a very not quite lit yeah I mean what is that a fucking power that sucks I don't know what that whole scene is yeah I don't know I mean I guess that would be that was sort of his professional endeavor the claims use sacrifice for those of you who don't know what we're talking about too bad is that seen in here in the Harry Potter films I guess it's from the book too but it's really from the films where they're I think they're looking for one of the Horcruxes or some shit I don't really remember spooky cave and all the spooky critters are coming out of the bang lake underground lake yeah it's it's unclear because the rest of the scene is so tight that I can't remember the context of it but basically there's this poison juice that Harry has to feed the silver slurpily clam juice yeah and he's a Harry Harry and then Harry's like no or whatever and then he's like remember the conditions under which I brought you yeah he says Harry and then Harry responds by saying no he says remember the conditions under which I brought you here and then Harry has to force you to this clam juice and then all those little goonies come out the ground ooh and it looks like they're gonna kill him oh wait oh goo these bro squad a one oh yeah goo is no good but whatever that fucking spell uh clamju spell sweet no yeah the sweet dumpy door black do you remember he was just like it's just a flame tornado turns into like a maniac it's fucking incredible it's so fucking cool oh you love that scene yeah I really I'm gonna fire it up for sure as soon as we finish I just I'm sure it's on YouTube and I'll just crank it real quick home I don't know if this goes in like mode of transport or hobbies or what but like you know how a wizard is never late I've not heard that is that something that scandals thing he's he says he arrives exactly when he means to so he's basically saying don't fucking tell me when to be right that's gonna it sounds like yeah which is so tight okay I think that's a bonus point then right okay yeah a wizard is never late that's a good call because I think that's so powerful that would be so sick to tell your boss like hey you're late actually I'm never late I always arrived when I said that refact I'm precisely on time oh it kind of sounds like you were early which is cool too but I arrived when I fucking meant to I don't know if this is too in line with joke shop but I do think playing prank playing pranks might be a to give joke shop a one and pranks a two here's my here's my here's my justification joke shop you are like I'm going to like rent a building and be there behind the counter every day to run a business right to sell like trick quarters to folks but do you have to be there behind the counter every day you're a dang wizard right playing pranks to me is a to because like I'll just do it whenever you know like if I see some kid bullying another kid just do a little I'll do a wedgie from you know 30 feet away bingo bango I did my my good deed for the day dang bro I'm also remembering in the Harry Potter films there are many gizmos and gadgets and accessories going on yeah like for example invisibility cloak that got to be a very quite lit no disagree what how about the how are to become invisible I don't want to carry around a blankie blankie like at least give it a two fine fine invisible blankie gets it to they also got that time travel device that they never use again I got a very not quite lit for you and that wacky little eye all over fucking Brendan Gleason's face you and it's always darting around in different directions I hate that shit the mad eye you're talking oh Hermione also got that that that purse the Felix the cat purse right the inf it's like got an infinite bottom sort of okay so that's what we call what is that called there's like a name for it wizard purse okay and that's it I feel like that's a free right yeah absolutely there's no wizard purse is very cool what about the map that shows where everyone is that's kind of fucking tight huh yeah but what do you some big fucking perv well no it's for when you're sneaking in snookin yeah because you're a big fucking perv okay so I guess it's a two then what you're saying yeah what's that called Rogers map I'm putting time-turner it to because it also is like time travel when is it ever worked you ever seen anything where somebody time traveled and it worked out or not oh no that's not I just want you to know that I googled Gandalf accessories and the first thing that came up is a rubber duck like that's made to look like and off so tight you buying it how many did you buy but bought the whole store out baby okay I got another power since we're talking about shit that they can do in here with help shape changing to a different person like what the poly juice potion does yeah I mean that's okay that feels like it goes along with animal well animal specifically because the druid turns into animals yeah this is like this is more like almost like Loki we didn't talk about hat okay so hit me I mean you need the big pointy hat right you said that kind of like that was the first thing you said what you do not need is the Mickey Mouse one the blue with the moons on it of course of course of course so what do you want though do you want like leather I want the classic big pointy hat but not the Mickey one what color is this does are these dots free what is this like boring gray it's too boring to me are the colors that a wizard and we've talked about rainbow before but it's good it's good it's good it's a little overstated I think so what do you want that I think some cool black some cool dark brown some tan some some earth tones you love earth tones so much I knew yeah baby I taught you that term you're welcome okay earth tones is fine I guess that's a three I suppose I kind of want a stunt on him I mean if I'm already wearing like cowboy boots okay what are you wearing then well I do want the big pointy hat I do think that rain is unmissable I think yeah I do not do it without it and I think it's because anyone else wearing it looks like a fucking bing bong but is if you if you got the magic to back it up baby I think the beard honestly it got a stay the beard is good stuff the beard is very good stuff yeah here but like great dude like what do you have like a cool like fucking like I'm a graph beard no yeah no you can't have yeah like black fucking Brian Wilson beard no one is any other facial hair other than big gray beard like if you have a must at like a little you know a little porn stash a little little John Waters pencil must or like the fucking Anthony Mackie facial hair from Falcon and Winter Soldier oh which is absolutely atrocious mm-hmm about a lawless loveless from Wild Wild West okay one day you're gonna learn that I haven't seen I've as I got through half of the word lawless and was like he hasn't seen this fucking movie but yeah you know I don't even think that's his name maybe Loveless lawless I don't know yeah any other facial hair is a one you just can't you simply you know what sucks what you I feel like you see a lot particularly in animation the staff was like a star at the end oh my god give me a break dude what do you want at the end of your staff though because I do kind of it has to have something right like even if it's just like a not star staff is out Loki the scepter thing is a medium to me do you think that get off wake up and he's got like he turned like oh there's like a hidden wall like in the Kingsman and it turns and there's just like nine different staffs or like an MIB he's just got like a hundred the exact same oh you think they're all the same well but that's when he was grand off the gray and then he became going off the line obviously which I don't need to tell you yeah for sure you tell me yeah scepter to star staff one like a big ornate knot yeah that's I do like the ornate knot the carved sort of walking stick I like what it looks sort of all in it glow yeah yeah I want to look sort of like is that a magic and then it's too late I've already blasted your ass to shit with a moon beam and you're dead in the grave where we put pinball wizard bad it's professional endeavor it's a negative five pinball wizards bad of course imagine if you were like hey dude I'm gonna show you a real-life wizard are you ready and you'd be like shut up you're like okay show me and it was a pinball wizard that's not the pinball wizard's ball that's the person you oversold him like a fucking asshole your this is not it's absolutely nothing to call it the pinball wizard a wizard you stupid idiot well I didn't write the dang tail the tail of the pinball wizard setting I don't you know Jack's gonna adapt pinball wizard oh my god I don't think this is anything to you but I'm putting I'm putting waverly place as a as a one yeah it's bad I know that this is more like with which culture but I but I do think we're kind of covering all of it for accessories where do we put a big cauldron baby big cauldron is just a nightmare okay I was ready to lock it too okay fine I mean it doesn't what do you like about a big cauldron it takes up lots of space it's not portable you make a big soup in it okay but you can also just get a pot I could do that as a human being make a big suit I don't need a wizard for that I'm about that that the wizard of Oz which is all melt in water that is bad oh we could go for like weaknesses but I think that we're too far alive skills and powers but melting underwater is almost a one I think horrible amazing stories calm seems to consider Yoda on the list of wizards which I do not know everyone no that checks every Jedi is a wizard it's all space magic they got those little magic I was it not space magic then come on lightsaber okay lightsaber would be an accessory and I think it's a I think one honestly one yeah dude it's the same thing as gun to me like if you're a wizard and you're carrying on a fucking laser sword like grow up come on bro it's such a one if you like fine be a wizard that carries on a lightsaber and I'm going to fucking drop a moonbeam on your dumb head before you get within 40 feet of me stop I got a wizard that I know nothing about your name was teacher maybe you do and if not embarrassing what's new Faust oh come on Faust to stop it search for Faust and first of all did you know that it's the German word for fist no but that's kind of tight yeah dr.
Fiss my name is fist it's a bonus point dr. fist okay it's nothing are you kidding me if I walked into my cowboy boots and my big pointy earth chond hat and I said make it make room for dr. fist at the stable place I would make plenty of room by going somewhere else oh you know who has a great look is the wizard from Montefi on the holy grail you know he's got those big ram horns on the end of his head no dude I do not recall I only seen that flake well I think one time when I was a little kid nice nice nice nice ram horns I think leather I'm putting as a one oh you know what is a shitty wizard hobby riddles oh my god are they do riddles I guess they do and riddle they love to sit around and riddle all night oh I mean another bad wizard hobby although it might be a two because it's like necessary a lot of times wizards got a like study but it makes them more powerful so I feel like it's a two if you think I'm everyone gives studying anything less than very not quite like your mind this guy was trying to advocate for fucking that did advocate for school is a two yeah but you don't have to study at school take it from me all right well you'll be a dumb-ass wizard and I'll be fucking roasting your ass yeah you'll be out like having fun you'll be like go to studying and studying this this this you're this moron gonna be such a stupid wizard carrying around a lightsaber bro I'll look at spark notes uh you're telling me the only very quite let's setting we can come up with his tower and the only professional there we can come up with his professional sport I kind of think that the whole hermit thing is not so bad you live in like under a tree yeah I don't I hermit is not the right word right cuz a hermit like doesn't ever come out and that's no good you don't want to be like by yourself alone I do like under a tree that might be a pretty good yeah I'll get tree I'll get tree and then that leaves it open if you just write the word tree it leaves it up you maybe live in a sick like Swiss family Robinson treehouse to that might be kind of treehouse always a very quiet word word word professional divers so I don't like to go on adventures I think but I suppose saving I want to stay home and study and not go on any adventures dang bro what's it like to be the most boring wizard alive just a lightsaber just let's a stay in a light and is treat we didn't even talk about the force as powers that that probably is a three I would guess of course it is we don't need to really go down this road fully but is a wizard wearing the same clothes at home like when you kick him back with your fucking pointy hat and your cowboy boots I imagine the Robespace because Robespace the Robespace but you know what nothing else baby yeah and and you if you got wait hold on our wizards makey under their robes no they've got undergarments I think you better Google it I'm not googling that wizards got underwear somebody at home googling it right now and text us later about it yeah I'm supposed to review just screen cap or just copy paste what you say venturing is to me but saving the world like a worthwhile adventure I think is a three right because then you really you really don't know that's a two saving the world because it's like the pressure but if you don't do it but that's why I don't like going on adventures but like at least saving the world because if I don't say the world I'm a die anyways oh you only want to go on an adventure if it's the most high stakes adventure possible correct correct correct I don't yes dude are you telling me that like look adventures to what I'm fine with that but there is the downside of adventures if you're a powerful wizard and people just come to you all the time I really need you to go on an adventure this guy or turn them into a frog turn them into a frog very quick power turning others into animals yes yeah I feel that is a classic wizard thing though right maybe more of a witch thing yeah well just a bad just a bad one just a wizard all but yeah oh I think I'm putting curses on people which is kind of what that sounds like it might be a two that's a little spooky for me curse them up curse them a fuck I just think then you got but because we haven't really dabbled right now other than maybe a quick mention necromancy but you know there is the dark arts to the black magic is that what you're into bro it depends oh what kind of dark magic is there well there's curses I think a lot of times you got to make like a who like a pact like a dark pact a blood pact yeah I'm out on blood yeah like dark magic got to be a two right and scary like voodoo voodoo voodoo bro witch doctors yeah that doctor facility we talked about doctor facility that's not is that another doctor's on the other side where's that going squad oh my god a witch doctor it's got to be a one to me like what is he doing that I need no doctor facility is pretty tight who's doctor facility the villain for princess in the frog okay but it's a villain so that too max yeah witch doctors to and friends on the other side what do you say he is I'm saying the friends on the other side he's always seen by his friends on the other sides that was goolis in the grave you yeah okay so then you're saying skills and powers being a witch doctor which does I'm just gonna put dark magic slash witch doctor because that feels like the same shit yeah I think we pretty much covered it yeah I do like the little lighter like that dumbley blur has that he takes the lights out of the street lamps with his little thing yeah it's sometimes cute to have a incredibly specific tool yeah I mean that's and to be honest like in fiction all the whizzies got to have some kind of tool otherwise they're just too fucking powerful right like they got to have like a wand or like if you stuck blumble more in front of a lamppost and you told it out and you didn't give him that thing he'd be like fuck do I do I mean we just blow it up and you'd be like wow that was really cool dude nice job idiot would it be subtle you know it sucks on blumble blur his little glass his little half man glasses you don't like the little glasses you like those I don't love them but I don't know I don't I mean if you're gonna have glasses better that's a fucking Warby Parker specs well hold on what's the best shape of glasses for a wizard ooh sunglasses bro some sick Ray bands some Sunnys are fresh I think Sunnys gotta be yeah god especially if you're somebody who's like blasting fireballs that's you need them and you see the reflection of the fireball in those things you put them on like fucking mib before they do the mind eraser on it has to be a two because there are lots of stupid sunglasses like what if you got some like Oakley's that wrap all the way around your head okay yeah the wizard shows up and he's got those Western dad sunglasses and nothing where they're just some free ones that he got a music festival on a route 2019 on it you got we don't have a category for this but like and I don't know where to put it but I do think it's important to mention like you gotta have kind of a cool name huh you can't you can't be like Dave I'm Dave the wizard right yeah but it can't be too much it can't be too much I mean what's too much Gandalf double doors that too much little it's a little I don't want like some fantasy name you so you want everything fantasy except the name yeah so what is the perfect what is the perfect wizard name that I don't know Mowgli something sick like Wilder Mowgli is that what you said Mowgli is yeah it is the worst suggestion possible I think like Clarence is a bad ass said shere Khan is pretty tight well you know thanks for listening as always if you have wizard thoughts tweet him at us I bet you do I bet I got this as a topic that some people are more passionate about than they think that's my that's my heart I could be passionate as hell there's no kind of fucking interact with us beg him to leave us a review yeah leave us a review tweet at us or don't what's the what's the what's the handle at JW guide it's Jesse and Wilder's guide to life on Instagram JW guide on the tweeter I want to give a shout out to the good people of Sacramento I want to give a shout out to the good people of the ATL Mmm a blue state well it's a city but yeah go on the state of Atlanta I want to not give a shout out to American home movers and Oz moving company out of babe I want to give a shout out to Adam Faye for the art I want to give a shout out to the C-Bone Jones for the music y'all and that's about all I have to say yeah same for me thanks for listening yeah and we'll see you again next week you pretty little baby