Like a fatalistic mist

3:46 am: God, I am so sick of being awake. 6:37 am: Just because you stop talking about things doesn’t mean everything’s okay. An x-boss of mine and I would argue and argue about things. And we’d argue about the same kinds of things over and over again. Architecture, database modeling, how to reply to emails. Crap that was important for sure and some crap that wasn't. For the longest time I would back down because he was my boss and I worked for him, even if I felt that he was in the wrong. He wasn’t the healthiest tool in the shed. Not saying that I am either but I do try in earnest to balance on the spiritual beam. But somewhere along the way a switch flipped and I stopped caring about maintaining a happy, healthy relationship with that x-boss. I heard on a podcast not long ago that “people typically don’t just snap, they slowly spiral down, and then eventually give up.” Toward the end of my career with him, after we’d been arguing for a handful of minutes, we’d just stop. Because I wouldn’t back down when I thought he was wrong. And there would be no resolution or closure. Whatever difference we were having would just stay floating in the uneasy air, floating around the office like a fatalistic mist. I can count at least three times I walked out during an argument with him, walked clear out of the office, shaking in anger. And it always almost infuriated me when he would come into work the next day and act like nothing was wrong. Blue skies abound. Like that nothing had happened, that the afternoon before we weren’t both red faced yelling. I don’t know about you guys but I’m not the kind of person that can have a healthy relationship with someone if there isn’t closure. I know this stems from being too drunk and too passive for too long. I just can’t do it anymore. Untied shoes will trip me every time. Yeah, I can get along, maintain peace, be professional but fuck me being cordial when someone’s being outright jerky. It’s not about carrying resentments either. It’s about setting healthy boundaries. It’s me not participating in somebody’s stubborn, close minded bullshit. It’s about keeping my distance because assholes abound. If we don’t resolve our differences in the here and now, our personal connection will be broken. Not permanently, but presently. I subscribe to forgiveness and all that so I’m always willing to move forward with peaceful resolution. And I don’t like admitting when I’m wrong for sure. But when it comes to relationships and people that I care about my pride isn’t that important. It’s worth swallowing… 👍👍