tcr!

Do you believe That I’m so naive And I wanna be Fucking relieved Of all of my Originality The ideas That you conceive Are annoying me Not pleasing me Bre-breeding me Supplying me With some bias Fucking feelings Do all of these Your sle-sleeping Your weeping Mental faculties Serve a higher cause Or maybe You’re deceiving me Pleading honesty When it’s plain to see You’re nothing Nothing but lost Now it’s been a week Maybe, maybe three Look kinda empty No serenity Will you this teach Mr. Lazy Never again Intimidate Fucking again Intimidate me

I’m not any good with all these people It’s automatic, I talk with myself I stand in society with all these people I’m designed to talk with myself I no longer posses the emotional drive Required for a role in the community I think of all of the qualifications Subject to a place in humanity I have very few in me anymore Each fiber of my very being Suggests some state of immortality And with my thesis my reasons begin to bleed I question my personality I don’t belong here any fucking way I don’t belong here any fucking way

This song’s called rate of descent It’s for my brothers and the sisters, and umm Yeah, cuz at the current rate I’m going I will probably last two months Three weeks, four days Five hours, three minutes, two seconds I am so abused by myself, I cry at night And I don’t know what I’m doing And why am I putting these people through it Maybe they deserve a little better Maybe they don’t need this kind of shit But this is my life And I’ll fucking live it The rate of my descent Is measured by The reasons why I can’t quit I better light another cigarette Another nail in my coffin You better believe it I gotta, oh, chill I’ll be all alone With my shit But it’s my life And I will live it And at this current rate of descent I don’t give it much longer But it’s gonna See, I can’t quit One more time I tell myself Then two more times Three more times Then these shadows Lay their hands On my nursery rhymes And twist This shit But it’s my life And I’ll live it Live it This current rate of descent I won’t last long But I won’t forget That it’s my life And I chose to live it It ticks away Is there anything left to say Is there anything left that I can’t do?

Balancing quietly on a marble ledge The sun is high to ponder my demise Not another soul need be involved My bruised, broken body’ll be a surprise The crowning step brought on a heart attack Covering the sidewalk, my blood fills in the cracks Uplifting horror surrounds the audience turning to stare At a fresh corpse, I don’t fucking care See all evil Hear all the evil Speak all the evil I am the evil Naked in a daze, it’ll be my last disgrace Missing in action for how many days Taste of cold steel flushing my mouth I’ll stain my brains all over the house Heard the birds how they love to sing Hammered the canyon, repainted fucking everything See all evil Hear all the evil Speak all the evil I am the evil

You once told me I’m not right with god Looking down I feel my Insides are being robbed Blacklist my timid flaws Make some sport of tragedy Cheer with cynical applause Scrape my ears with your claws So gallant you declare I’m the one should be ashamed Label me with the price I’m worth Not so fast, you’re fucking trash The rate of my descent Is measured by the reasons I can’t quit Quit I’m so abused by Myself why bother try Put something inside of me To tell me how I’m supposed to feel Take that something away from me Watch my nerves begin to kneel With life I shy away Lie awake and pick away At the bleeding open sores I don’t wanna breathe no more Drilled a hole inside my head To find some validation Rushing down At varying rates of velocity It’s been sweet But I can’t quit Rushing down At varying rates of velocity It’s been sweet But I can’t Rushing down At varying rates of velocity It’s been sweet But I can’t Quit

If you could see out through my eyes You would know what I’m going through If you could feel the thoughts I do You would know my fears inside I hide Inside I hide If you could see out through my eyes You would know what I’m going through If you could feel the thoughts I do You would know my demons inside I hide Inside at night

Balancing quietly on a marble ledge The sun is high to ponder my demise Not another soul need be involved My bruised, broken body’ll be a surprise The crowning step brought on a heart attack Covering the sidewalk, blood fills in the cracks All that trouble just to End up talking to myself All that trouble just to End up single and alone Seek an evil Breathe all evil Wreak of evil I am evil Naked in a daze, it’ll be my last disgrace Missing in action for how many days Taste of cold steel flushing my mouth I’ll stain my brains all over the house Heard the birds how they love to sing Hammered the cannon, repainted fucking Everything All that trouble just to End up talking to myself All that trouble just to End up single and alone Seek an evil Breathe all evil Wreak of evil I am evil You look at me Like you don’t know who I fucking am Or used to be

You once told me I’m not right with god Looking down I feel my Insides are being robbed Cheer with cynical applause Scrape my ears with your claws Blacklist my timid flaws Make some sport of tragedy So gallant you declare I’m the one should be ashamed Sticker me with the price I’m worth Not so fast, you’re fucking trash Rate of my descent Is measured by the reasons I can’t quit I’m so abused by Myself why bother try Put something inside of me To tell me how I’m supposed to feel Take that something away from me Watch my nerves begin to kneel With life I shy away Lie awake and pick away At the bleeding open sores I don’t wanna breathe no more Drilled a hole inside my head To find some validation Rushing down At varying rates of velocity It’s been sweet But I can’t quit

I’m not any good with all these people It’s automatic, I talk with myself I stand in society with all these people I’m designed to flee from humidity When we go over to your mom’s house I wanna turn around and just leave I question my very personality I don’t belong here any fucking way Monsters were always inside of me I think of all of the qualifications Listed for a place in your family I no longer posses the emotional drive Required for a role in the gentry I have very few in me anymore Each fiber of my very being Rails against my own hypocrisy And with my thesis my reasons begin to bleed I lust for the beatings that I once knew I love you for what you put me through I hate myself for what I always do I hate you, run away, and be brand new My head’s spinning, why do I have to pay this price Darkness is beginning, I can’t find the fucking mice My perversion, our wires have been naughty spliced Your sickness is my fucking vice Saturday I just wanted to mow the lawn Playing chess with nothing but pawns God told me I had this coming all along So please tell me what I did wrong I’m not any good with all these people It’s automatic, I talk with myself I stand in society with all these people I’m designed to flee from humidity

I already know today is gonna be A really bad day, thanks Molly Did you think breaking my nose Would be okay, then steal my clothes Love a good bad ballet A pretty face is nothing When you’re heart is fucking ugly I don’t need your apology Don’t care enough about your fucking feelings You’ve been deceiving me, pleading honesty When it’s plain to see you’re nothing Nothing but lost You never had my hopes and dreams Seem to believe that I’m so naive And you can stab my identity You’re not my friend, stay the fuck away From me Now it’s been a week, maybe, maybe three Look kinda empty, no serenity Wet confetti, hands really sweaty There, I broke your nose, go find your bros And never again intimidate Fucking again, intimidate me

There’s a coming tide Run and hide I open the door And out you slide You left my side Smiling from the outside With cocky pride You play with my head I don’t know where you are I don’t know where you are Just rewind and start again 1 2 3 ... 8 9 10 Just rewind and start again 1 2 3 … 8 9 10 Just rewind and start again What the fuck, I said “when” Just rewind and start again 1 2 3 … 8 9 10 Just rewind and start again And then Your legs were smoking Our hearts were broken Barely a word spoken You were never joking Your hair is gorgeous Your voice is torturous Go be enormous Sing in the chorus My nerves are shaking Our hearts are breaking Your lungs are aching The sex, maybe faking I wish I could unpromise And maybe unfuck you You were lucky to feel wanted You were lucky to feel wanted You fucking shit Go throw your fit And never admit You’re a hypocrite With wrists to slit Whisked to bits You never quit You soulless bitch I don’t care If you want me back You didn’t care When I was there You pulled my hair Had the affair Said your prayers With nasty a glare Now that I’ve had Some time away And a day of surprises On Vancouver Island It’s clear you hate me So I’ll make it worse Your suicide Doesn’t scare me I know that you’re hurting Believe me I’m hurting, too It wasn’t easy For me to leave And I never, ever Wanted to But pull the rip cord Start the mower Looking back Pull the rip cord Start the mower Looking back It was always over

The memories tattooed on my heart Your pictures are killing me Yesterday fades but I still see you I kinda hate most things I’m ok, I’m ok, I’m ok, I’m ok My moments I can’t explain I have my list of betrayals Yesterday blurs but it’s not dismissed I’ve been mostly odd I’m ok, I’m ok, I’m ok, I’m ok Knife slices the air We can’t coexist One of us will die in this place I’m not losing my mind Head case Let’s race, I know the way to hell I’ve been there Tell me about the flowers Again I’m ok, I’m ok, I’m ok, I’m ok I’m ok, I’m ok, I’m ok, I’m ok

There are times in life when Things break and can’t be fixed Hurts that can’t be undone Words that will always stick Where we can’t reset Even if we want to Even if we want to Even if we want to Say I find a box of Love letters in the garage Written to my better half But they aren’t from me Very, very recent In a French accent I can taste it on my tongue Like glitter in the classroom Dear rabbits Come and get me Dear rabbits Come and get me Come and get me I was so devastated You could’ve just killed me I can’t get passed the affection Dreams not about me I can taste it on my tongue Like glitter in the classroom Dear rabbits Come and get me Dear rabbits Come and get me Come and me Eve, by chance did you place a call from me to Bill for midnight California time? Golly, I forgot to tell you Yes, dear, you forgot all about it Mr. Sampson’s birthday, I couldn’t forget that. You’d never forgive me. As a matter of fact, I sent him a telegram myself. Now you’re in my room It’s late o’clock, after dark My ears won’t stop ringing My eyes are so tired You really shouldn’t be here Your arms are heavy I’m sick and I can’t breathe You’re sick, just leave I can taste it on my tongue Like glitter in the classroom Dear rabbits Come and get me Dear rabbits Come and get me Come and get me Come and get me Come and get me

Thoughts often go To when our love still flowed I still feel your flames And they burn Like before Cocaine Time and endless rain All my life I’ve often wondered why I still remember your name But now I know It’s only so We can Maybe love again? Maybe a little better than before Maybe a little longer, little more So Little Miss Secret From 1981 Do you still remember my name? It’s the same As long before Cocaine My heart never changed I hurt you God, I know Over a bottle of cheap champagne But I still believe in The love we made In Spain Back when we were strange Little Miss Secret Winds have blown but I’d like to meet again I never explained Why I fell Deranged In that month of May Little Miss Secret From when life was gold Can I see you again? Never forgot Your face Your name We’ll tame the crows

BOOM Hearts break and people leave And sometimes we Don’t get over it So we blow our noses Call our friends And pretend Pretend BOOM It’s morning It’s morning It’s morning It’s morning Do we look good enough? Do we look good enough? For who? Who do we look Good enough for? For who? Who do we look Good enough for? For who? Who do we look Good enough for? For who? Who do we look Good enough for? For who? BOOM BOOM Hearts break and people leave And sometimes we Just get over it So we wipe Our eyeballs We’re all right After all After all After all After BOOM all

The Epic Ballad of Electric Elephants by tcr!

Enter my life in silence Rape my memories Bludgeon my shyness Smash my head up against the mirror Listen to me scream I am a bastard Abandon me, I’m your disgrace Scars on your pretentious name You hurt me, you are unjustified Eyes water but I will not cry You don’t seem to realize You made the monster Before your eyes Burst from the closet Swinging my surprise Take you to hell Before I die You don’t seem to realize You made the monster Before your eyes Burst from the closet Swinging my surprise Take you to hell Before I die You don’t seem to realize You made the monster Before your eyes Burst from the closet Swinging my surprise Take you to hell Before I die Exit your life in violence Hated your families Snubbed your kindness Cut you deep with a broken mirror Listen to your screams I am a bastard Pose with me on a video tape You don’t exist You have to be shaped Did you ever, really way down deep In the dark places of your hurt Have any compassionate feelings Any kind of love for me at all? You don’t seem to realize You made the monster Before your eyes Burst from the closet Swinging my surprise Take you to hell Before I die You don’t seem to realize You made the monster Before your eyes Burst from the closet Unveil my disguise Blood through a faucet I drink your insides You don’t seem to realize You made the monster Before your eyes Burst from the closet Unveil my disguise Blood through a faucet I drink your insides

When I’m with people I feel accepted When I’m not I don’t I don’t I don’t Fuck you Just fuck you Good bye There are all these Wonderful things I am doing now As a direct result Of you rejecting me Rejecting me Rejecting me Fuck you Just fuck you Good bye Fuck you Fuck you Fuck you Fuck you Fuck you Fuck you Good bye

50 lashes to the back Skin the flesh, expose the bone It’s the same as 15 minutes Where I’m at, dine on fact I travel alone Kneeling before the mirror So I can watch as I Eat myself alive With digested sap depriving my eyes I chew and swallow bitter pride And vomit up the man inside I vomit up the man inside I vomit up the man inside I vomit up the man inside I’m blood-soaked and gutted Graphically I don’t smile anymore With jugular in my teeth Anatomy across the floor Wallowing in a sticky pool Of my humiliation A tapeworm seething in shit Diluted determination Languid immolation I hate myself, I ate myself Blood for wine, hack the vines A tapeworm seething in shit A tapeworm seething in shit With digested sap depriving my eyes I chew and swallow bitter pride And vomit up the man inside I vomit up the man inside I vomit up the man inside I vomit up the man inside Words can only outline When I strip the arteries From their muscles Slather my plasma Upon my chest Feast on my ignominy Spoil what was a mind Spoil what was a mind That’s fine Spoil what was a mind That’s fine That’s fine That’s fine

Pretty like a lamb chop A frozen one Compared to Jello With a pleasant Splash of murder Murder Vacuumed into The distant vortex Of Simon says Misty carpet reds Hand job Steven Oven semen We missed the bus So we sat and discussed Some fine cheeses With curb side lawyers And turd sized sawyers Squeaky potential frenzy It’s fun to believe in Oz While you’re on the yellow brick road Learn the swindle And it’s hard to ride the magic carpet It’s fun to believe It’s fun to believe in Oz While you’re on the yellow brick road Learn the swindle And it’s hard to ride the magic carpet Who’s responsible For fertilizing The not-so-top secret Poison ivy Cemetery Triple X missionary Sedate my canary Laugh in the middle Of the teeter totter I lost my blotter Scorching Amoco’s Flowery microphones Two tone On sunny Mondays I feel cheetah cheated Using crusty dental floss Wearing dirty hot pink Knitted socks It’s fun to believe in Oz While you’re on the yellow brick road Learn the swindle And it’s hard to ride the magic carpet It’s fun to believe in Oz While you’re on the yellow brick road Learn the swindle And it’s hard to ride the magic carpet It’s fun to believe Yeah, I hate you But i can always Remember The times when I didn’t It’s so apparent Why you’re not famous

There is no Alternative It used to be a choice How can there be an Alternative When we’re fed the same thing Every day? How can it be Alternative And on the Rick Dee’s 40 show? For there to be an alternative You need to have at least fucking Two One more than one An alternative dollar sign An alternative dollar sign An alternative dollar sign Just another fucking dollar sign An alternative dollar sign An alternative dollar sign Just another fucking Mainstream always wanted the underground Forget the life, we got the sound Live (sell) fast, die young Your Alternative wants some Everybody’s heard of Alternative That’ll be our next star The only thing Alternative About you is your silly name Now dump the sound, we got the look Gonna make a million and change Think of all that money And those credit cards An alternative dollar sign An alternative dollar sign Just another fucking dollar sign An alternative dollar sign An alternative dollar sign Just another fucking dollar sign An alternative An alternative what? I can appreciate the music Without cheetahs, goatees, and Dew Don’t you see, the money hungry Have assumed the image (obey) For our entire generation You are X You are X Snobs in their Tommy, it’s just a uniform Every one to the mall Red, white, and blue for all I wanna (gotta) conform You should see my trash bag It’s a Tommy I’m so cool An alternative dollar sign Just another fucking dollar sign An alternative dollar sign Just another fucking dollar sign An alternative dollar sign An alternative dollar sign Just another fucking Dollar sign I always hoped that someday The music would come to the front Now there’s a fucking hopeless waiting list Your Alternative wants some We can’t leave anything alone We can market this There is no Alternative It used to be a voice I can’t stand your Alternative Another fucking pre-packaged t-shirt Available at Walmart Or at your local landfill An alternative dollar sign Just another fucking dollar sign An alternative dollar sign Just another fucking dollar sign An alternative dollar sign An alternative dollar sign Just another fucking Dollar sign I’d rather listen to Classic Rock

You come across with your fucking attitude Like I’m some kind of lower life form Every which way that I turn I am disappointed to come upon A shitty fucking clone of you Who in the fuck are you needing to be Which role are you pleading to fit Why the fuck do I have to justify Who I am to you Who are you fucking trying to convince anyway me or you? It’s like I don’t even know your last fucking name You’re a prick and a bitch and as long as you are You’ll never have anything worth having, you never will And if maybe, just fucking maybe, you have to wonder This is about you It’s about you You dumb fuck You’re not anyone to question my authority You’re a no name fuck crawled out From behind a dumpster With a majestic opinion of royalty Ding try again you fucking loser Take your scrawny ass Back to the Salvation Army It’s not my fault you haven’t any Fucking identity Fucking identity Fucking identity Who are you fucking trying to convince anyway me or you? It’s like I don’t even know your last fucking name You’re a prick and a bitch and as long as you are You’ll never have anything worth having, you never will And if maybe, just fucking maybe, you have to wonder This is your song This is your song You dumb fuck

> I come home from work and nobody’s here. I open the windows and hear the birds chirping. We’re never alone, peeps. ❤️ I was thinking about this more this morning, thinking of how limited I am when I live only in my own head, confine myself to only what I see in front of me. When I’m home alone I’m regularly reminded of my aloneness. The sounds of my feet on the whitewashed plywood bounce around the walls. Just the same as my thoughts bounce around in my own head. Existing at best in an echo chamber. Inside and out. Life is so much bigger than my dining room, than the four walls of my house. When I open the windows and expose my ears to something more…I remember that. I hear the wind in the trees with their leaves gently clapping. The birds singing to each other and that little puppy dog yapping next door. I hear the cars motoring to and fro and the neighbors living their lives just a stone’s throw away. Opening the windows brings those sounds inside, fills my space with the conviction that we’re never alone. There’s a life-force inside all of us that bonds us together just because we’re living beings. It doesn’t matter if we’re feathery birds or green oak leaves or frumpled, crumpled human beings or chatty puppy dogs. We’re all linked just because we are. A network of neurons each transmitting our pulses to one another in the global space. That’s almost too corny but whatever. The only thing I need to do is open the window to un-sever that connection. Sounds riding their waves. It’s a magical thing for the lonely soul. PS- it’s funny that I have access to the whole world by way of the internet. But when I sit on my phone my life feels small and shallow. When I open the window life is full and big. PS2- thank god for Spring. Winter makes me wanna fly over the cuckoo’s nest.

I don’t know where this quote came from but it’s one of my favorites. > The next time you get driven to your knees to pray, just stay there. I pray when I’m in pain but mostly I try to pray because I’m okay and want to stay that way. I do my best to stay on my spiritual knees because if I let arrogance or pride or hurt overrule what really matters, I know I’ll be humbled against my will and that’s never fun. But more than that… I’d rather stay in the sunshine than go sit in the dark. Once wrapped in that warm, peaceful glow sitting in a cold, dark basement doesn’t sound that appealing. I’ve made life bad enough. Okay, saying “wrapped in that warm, peaceful glow” is fruity. I’m not sitting in a lotus position all day channeling Buddha nor am I walking around on rainbows. But when I have that cosmonaut bond, I’m okay. And I don’t struggle with the everyday headaches of making lists and tying my shoes.

3:46 am: God, I am so sick of being awake. 6:37 am: Just because you stop talking about things doesn’t mean everything’s okay. An x-boss of mine and I would argue and argue about things. And we’d argue about the same kinds of things over and over again. Architecture, database modeling, how to reply to emails. Crap that was important for sure and some crap that wasn't. For the longest time I would back down because he was my boss and I worked for him, even if I felt that he was in the wrong. He wasn’t the healthiest tool in the shed. Not saying that I am either but I do try in earnest to balance on the spiritual beam. But somewhere along the way a switch flipped and I stopped caring about maintaining a happy, healthy relationship with that x-boss. I heard on a podcast not long ago that “people typically don’t just snap, they slowly spiral down, and then eventually give up.” Toward the end of my career with him, after we’d been arguing for a handful of minutes, we’d just stop. Because I wouldn’t back down when I thought he was wrong. And there would be no resolution or closure. Whatever difference we were having would just stay floating in the uneasy air, floating around the office like a fatalistic mist. I can count at least three times I walked out during an argument with him, walked clear out of the office, shaking in anger. And it always almost infuriated me when he would come into work the next day and act like nothing was wrong. Blue skies abound. Like that nothing had happened, that the afternoon before we weren’t both red faced yelling. I don’t know about you guys but I’m not the kind of person that can have a healthy relationship with someone if there isn’t closure. I know this stems from being too drunk and too passive for too long. I just can’t do it anymore. Untied shoes will trip me every time. Yeah, I can get along, maintain peace, be professional but fuck me being cordial when someone’s being outright jerky. It’s not about carrying resentments either. It’s about setting healthy boundaries. It’s me not participating in somebody’s stubborn, close minded bullshit. It’s about keeping my distance because assholes abound. If we don’t resolve our differences in the here and now, our personal connection will be broken. Not permanently, but presently. I subscribe to forgiveness and all that so I’m always willing to move forward with peaceful resolution. And I don’t like admitting when I’m wrong for sure. But when it comes to relationships and people that I care about my pride isn’t that important. It’s worth swallowing… 👍👍

Desperately Seeking Cup of Water I would get one myself but I’ve just settled in for my late afternoon nap. I don’t need a full glass, a full cup will do. I know you’ve been there: partially parched and close to near death as your bones wither down to the marrow. Plastic cups with the Millennium Falcon are preferred. Thor artwork will do. Toy Story cartoons are forbidden. Please ring the doorbell and I’ll shortly answer via one-way video yet two-way audio teleconference. Don’t be alarmed, the future is now. If clearance is granted I will give you a four digit pin with which you may unlock the castle door. Don’t get any bright or shifty shady ideas though, they’re one time use only. Nice try.

When I stop and think about it, I wanna justify and provide backstories because I feel bad. I worry that people will think less of me. But then on the other hand I’m totally up front and honest with everybody all the time. I think that life is meant to be cherished and explored and lived and this and this and this. I think about my heroes like Hunter S. Thompson who actually lived and loved his life. I don’t wanna be old and thinking I really wish I would’ve done that. It sounds corny but my soul cries out for adventure and when I sit at my work desk and push papers around I just wanna roll my eyes. I suppose I could find different avenues for my adventures though. 😉 I’m grateful that I have ***** because she keeps me grounded. Who knows what melancholy I’d be having for breakfast without her. I just need to get my head on straight. All this turmoil over the last year or so, I’ve just wanted to escape the emotional horror. This type of activity that I’m vaguely referencing has played a role in my story since I was like 19. It’s pretty much my goto dysfunctional thing other than drinking and drugs. Boring is good though. I should cherish low key and zero drama when I have it. I just wish it was as magnetic as the other.

Life brings me a lot of happiness. Like going to a real estate open house with ***** just for fun. Or seeing an unexpected cute little flower in my yard. Or eating cherry pie bars with ***** on a normal weeknight. Most days I remember those are gifts from the cosmos. I only need be my best self and I get all the blessings. God will literally throw shit at me to be happy about. > Here, this is awesome. Take it. Wait, here’s some more. Take this shit, too. I got happiness all over me like I’m a clown hit in the face with that very cherry pie. My eyes will literally tear up from happiness. Grace, peeps. Then there are times when I’m not feeling the kind of happiness that overwhelms me with gratitude. Some days I feel down right blue. Through and through. That’s just life. It’s not all sunshine and flower petals. But me being who I am my mind can start looking at those things directly to fill me up. I’ll want to selfishly pick the flowers and make them mine. Hold them tight to make me happy. I forget that those things aren’t the true source of happiness. They’re only gifts. I won’t be happy for long when I set my eyes on the tangible. My happiness is a gift from god for being my best self. Then I get the presents. 🎁

It’s very unfortunately when pain feels normal, when dysfunction is routine, and agony okay. Absorb the truth that all are unacceptable. When we open the curtains that shadow our fireflies, let their light glow alongside infinite others, no pain is too great to release. And by doing so, someday soon the well of miserable sadness will go dry. Sometimes we’re ready to move on. Sometimes we’re not. Sometimes we’re past due. Drop out of light speed when the jump is over.

I’m sure I’ve said this out loud before but I’ll say it again for those who haven’t had the pleasure. I’m as emotionally stable as the next emotionally stable person when it comes to the negative variety of criticism. I can take a harsh word and a lash of the tongue without a flinch. Fine, good, whatever.. Let it roll on by after a review. With the caveat being that when the scales of criticism sway to the pessimistic polarity and hang indefinitely, I tend to flip the monocle back on to the contributor. News should/needs to be tempered with both good and bad seasonings lest one overdoses on salt

You know how sometimes you want something so bad. Think about it day after day, get angry and frustrated because nothing changes… I get it. I’ve had my fair share of being stuck in jobs, relationships, stuck in some kind of mud. But trust me when I say that good things are being sorted out in the background. Too often it takes a long mother fucking time but the stars *will* align. Possibly a couple years later. It’s okay to give up hope now and then, but keep some trust in your back pocket. The cosmos will sneak up and scare the shit out of you with beautiful things. Be ready.

> I come home from work and nobody’s here. I open the windows and hear the birds chirping. We’re never alone, peeps. ❤️ I was thinking about this more this morning, thinking of how limited I am when I live only in my own head, confine myself to only what I see in front of me. When I’m home alone I’m regularly reminded of my aloneness. The sounds of my feet on the whitewashed plywood bounce around the walls. Just the same as my thoughts bounce around in my own head. Existing at best in an echo chamber. Inside and out. Life is so much bigger than my dining room, than the four walls of my house. When I open the windows and expose my ears to something more…I remember that. I hear the wind in the trees with their leaves gently clapping. The birds singing to each other and that little puppy dog yapping next door. I hear the cars motoring to and fro and the neighbors living their lives just a stone’s throw away. Opening the windows brings those sounds inside, fills my space with the conviction that we’re never alone. There’s a life-force inside all of us that bonds us together just because we’re living beings. It doesn’t matter if we’re feathery birds or green oak leaves or frumpled, crumpled human beings or chatty puppy dogs. We’re all linked just because we are. A network of neurons each transmitting our pulses to one another in the global space. That’s almost too corny but whatever. The only thing I need to do is open the window to un-sever that connection. Sounds riding their waves. It’s a magical thing for the lonely soul. PS- it’s funny that I have access to the whole world by way of the internet. But when I sit on my phone my life feels small and shallow. When I open the window life is full and big. PS2- thank god for Spring. Winter makes me wanna fly over the cuckoo’s nest.

So I wait at the way station Wish I knew what for She says we’re nothing more than frauds In this hollow little world of ours She sits and screams depravity Flows through her veins, it’s plain to see This is not reality And if it is it’s not for me This is not reality And if it is it’s not for me I have dropped like a doll upon the floor Discarded my dreams the day before As I did my hopes the week before As I done my life until there was no more So I wait at the way station Wish I knew what for So I wait at the way station Wish I knew what for

…that made your dreams come true Don't you love the way I degrade you Don't you love the way I degrade you I degrade you Even though I'm plastic masking tape Around your face After finished with your mouth With your mouth Sick and wrong, sick and wrong And as plastic as the day is long Sick and wrong, sick and wrong And as plastic as the day is long Let your dreams come true Let your screams ring through My plastic skull My plastic skull I'm a plastic tool but beautiful The shit, the stuff That made your dreams come true As your scream rang through A sick and wrong, sick and wrong And as plastic as the day is long Sick and wrong, sick and wrong And as plastic as the day is long So masking tape Around your face I'm finished with your mouth Finished with your mouth I'm a plastic tool but beautiful Dreams come true Dreams come true I'm a plastic tool but real enough for you but real enough for you I degrade you, violate you I'm a plastic tool but beautiful So masking tape Around your face I'm finished with your mouth

When the When what When the window When the When what Win or lose When the window Knocking at the door When the wind blow Better take some more What am I? Where to? What am I on? Oh my, my god I’m so far gone I got bugs Crawling in my skull Only cure I know Is to take some more So I put on my trench coat Sunglasses, overdose Outside my, my window It’s James Bond And the FBI and the CIA and the DEA Okay, and all the people who hate me Are gathered Outside my window They’re gathered Sitting here, staring outside my window Really don’t know why Shadows of the law And the people who hate me Haunt me From the corner of my eyes And I know they really ain’t out there But are they? And I know they really ain’t out there But are they?

What am I doing here? Without you, my dear? Why did you leave me alone With the clock I fear? Why you did this is still unclear I did not enjoy being left alone Within myself I’m not at home Without you With the clock I fear My derangement is shifting gears Pale rooms, apathetic apartment Life’s gone dry as parchment The plants all died Surrounded by a world grown dim Without your light My derangement is kicking in Without your light My derangement is taking flight And the clock hanging on my wall Is ticking away my life again But the clock hanging on my wall Is not my problem after all For my derangement is you, my dear For my derangement is you, my dear

Feeling real good, feeling no pain But feeling good is not enough Isn't that a fucking shame Everything is fine, just killing all my pain But killing you is not enough This is not a fucking game All strung out, all fucked up Coming down on St John's Bluff All my life I wasn't right Lost my shit, who gives a fuck? All strung out, time's burnt up Spinning around on St John's Bluff You hurt me like someone hurt you And loving you is not enough Isn't that a fucking shame Everything's okay, I ain't the same Life is good enough I feel so fucking tame All pretty doubt, eye makeup Going up yo St John's Bluff Got my knife, gonna fight Going down, he better fuck All strung out, there's my death Without a sound on St John's Bluff My heart cried out for you to think of me All your heart wanted to do Was think of her Got a loaded gun, I hate the rain I was but a kid I don't trust memories All strung out, all fucked up Coming down on St John's Bluff All my life I wasn't right Lost my shit, who gives a fuck? Go to Kansas, meet you there I'll give a fuck, This I swear "But after the navigator has set the course, how do you adjust this automatic pilot?"

"I still think you ought to go in town and stay with your mother until I get back. This is our home and nothing's going to take me from it. Besides, most men try and keep their wives from going home to mama. Now toddle off and fly your flying machine, darling." Empty fills me, empty Went to Kansas But the devil went with me Handful of flowers, headful of thorns Room with a view of Arrow Head Day breaks, Earth shakes And my heart aches like never before We are gone and now we mourn We have lost what we have worn We have burnt the smut we scorn And now we sit embittered and torn "Don't worry about me. Aww, you're the only thing I do worry about. Oh forget about the flying saucers. The saucers are up there. And the cemetery's out there. But I'll be locked up in there." Empty fills me, empty So tired of the land of fire Memory of you in the Shire A cigarette falls from my hand Disgracefully at Wapello Son, I miss this part of us I wish you hadn't been you We are gone and now we mourn We have lost what we have worn We have burnt the smut we scorn And now we sit embittered and torn "You promise you'll lock the doors immediately? I promise. Besides I'll be in bed before half an hour is gone. With your pillow beside me. I have to have something to keep me company while you're away. Sometimes in the night when it does get a little lonely, I reach over and touch it. Then it doesn't seem so lonely anymore." Empty fills me, empty Hell is silence When you cross over you stay over Allison and Casper Are now closed, are now gone All funds lost to escrow The voices, the death blow We are gone and now we mourn We have lost what we have worn We have burnt the smut we scorn And now we sit embittered and torn "Now off to your wild blue yonder."

Flooding boats with tides receding As I stare at the vaulted ceiling The landlord waits, the bills are showing Mind's off course, I see it's snowing Your sister stares, the worms are churning Cause all around her, her world is burning Cause all around her, the leaves are turning She finds it all most disturbing Cause all around her, her world is burning "Let me tell you a little something about love, Dennis. It has a voracious appetite. It eats everything, friendship, family. It kills me how much it eats." The ant counsel is convening My favorite book she's been re-reading Eyes are crossed and now they're glowing Damn this life with darkness growing Your sister glares with twisted yearning Cause all around her, her world is burning Cause all around her, the birds are learning She finds it all most disturbing Cause all around her, her world is burning "But I'll tell you something else. You feed it right, it can be a beautiful thing. And that's what we have." All is lost, the blisters bleeding Whisper prayers that have no meaning Drunk on grapes, the wine is flowing The dragon shakes, the trumpet's crowing Your sister screams, "there's no returning" Cause all around her, her world is burning Cause all around her, her world is burning She finds it all most disturbing Cause all around her, her world is burning Right the wrongs, Roland please "You know when someone believes in you, man, you can do anything, any fucking thing in the entire universe. And when you believe right back in that someone, then watch out world cause nobody can stop you. Then nobody ever."

Just last week in Kansas 5, 4 days before Fell up those steep stairs Jumped to the attic Just last night in Kansas Tracked the black magic Oh yeah Uh-huh Oh yeah Uh-huh Just me and your canvas Caught in vertigo Painted the bloodstars Under the rainbow I can't remember what I came here for Oh yeah Uh-huh Oh yeah Uh-huh Just last night in Kansas 12 short hours ago Spied on 'lectric spiders Tripped the undertow Don't you wanna be alive before you die? Drank a gallon of gasoline Smoked a barrel of carpet fuzz Chased around synthetic dragons Just because Just because I's in Kansas I's in Kansas I's in Kansas

With a head full of nothing But frightening stings Consciously remembering All the nightmare things We shouldn't have seen Too horrible to forgive The fighting in hell Too angry for silence Posturing for not For love that we sought And yesterday's answers Were tragically forgot As my candlelight romances The innocence we lost The shadows we fought

Travel down the darken stairs Without a sound, below the ground Don't be scared, we're well prepared It's okay with the candles lit The tunnels twist mile by mile Hold my hand, let's see a smile Forget what we left behind up there It's okay, we're just misfits The end is near but don't be shy Many good reasons why The best is yet still to come No need to say goodbye Watch your step, watch that right Please don't drift outta sight Discarded souls, forgotten prayers The unmarked graves, Jesus saved We're fireflies in a burning World of acceptable sin Getting close, not much farther Soon we'll reach the holy water The end is near but don't be shy Many good reasons why The best is yet still to come To feel the shine of end-time Your mom cut your hair Your mom sent you to hell She's already there, all alone I do declare, we're finally here So come real close my precious dear Cast away your needless fear Drink from the cup of everlasting I'm convinced we're better off Always young, a real forever The time now chimes never o'clock The time now chimes never o'clock Forget what we left behind up there We never belonged, we're just misfits Forget what we left behind up there We never belonged We're just misfits We're just misfits

"If you want to serve the Devil, serve him. But make a choice." A week of Sundays I spent wandering On infected heels, strung out mindlessly Broken glass in between the tenements Cuts my feet, but I won't retreat Was any of that real? The scars say maybe Went somewhere god didn't even know me "He warns them that the judgements of God will fall upon them Unless they live for the Lord As for me and my house We will serve the Lord We are going to serve the Lord." Wrapped in a blanket at the homeless convent With bloody knees I vent out my hostility Woken mass tempted my resentments Scorched my sheets, the fiends will cheat Don't confess nor repent, read scripture Witness the serpent, shoot the picture "To choose God, to follow him. Instead of these other gods. Therefore choose life, that both thou and thy seed may live." But not to be denied, I petitioned to the priestess Stole her plastic Jesus, said I didn't, she believed me Gripping plastic beads with godless energy Come to the front and sing in harmony "As for me and my house, we've already made a decision." A blessed visit to the sisters' brothel You consecrate and revel in sin Jacob Proper stroked his forehead Fundamental, but holy inbred Did you forgive, Faithful Jaclyn? Dead like last week, gurgling gin Once upon a time she was hurt before me Once upon a time she was so sweet With swollen eyes, I petitioned to that priestess Stole her plastic Jesus, said I didn't, she believed me Gripping plastic beads with godless energy Witness the last of my absurdities I like the way the angels all burn for me A riot on fire, cauterize the disease Burn out decay, the devil, my purity Close my eyes and sleep, can I please? "Call heaven and earth to record this day against you, that I've set before you life and death."

"Counselor? Counselor? Is that you? Counselor? Come out, come out wherever you are." Put your body into motion Remember that dance you did before Don't talk no shit, I'll falsely listen Cause I know god's got nothing more Times have changed but it makes no difference Don't listen to those treacherous whores Dance for me By the back door Let's explore Submit to me In Middle C Don't abandon me Like you did before Romance in three Crimes galore Put your body into motion Remember that dance and what you wore I've seen your hips, the song don't matter Kiss my lips, stop keeping score Don't talk no shit, it's my religion Cause I know god is nothing more Nothing more Melancholy Dance for me Like you did before Sin galore Vitamin B Don't chastise me You, I adore To the Nth degree And so much more "Counselor. Counselor. Could you be there? Could you be there?" We're standing in a room of chaos I'm starting to see that something's wrong Watching the snakes go by, they're slithering The devil's been here all along Don't take no shit, do the division The skies are sold and so much more The skies are sold and so much more "I wonder if you're here."

Moon is washing out the lunacy Glowing tides ignite my curiosity Pocket full of nuts and no currency Sharpening my knives oh so delicately Lacerated my tent, ha! I'm hairless Bliss of accelerated, shady awareness Couldn't stay awake, a milky shake careless Counseled my jury in all due fairness Not a taste of guilt but I'm always suspicious The trial's finale, I'm victorious Heighten my twitch to bitch vicious Dimming your headlights is nutritious Insufficient evidence is substantial I'm not Joplin but listen to me sing Mmm, mmm, mmm Now then, where was I going? Oh yes, insufficient evidence Insufficient evidence is substantial Knocked up president My visa needs canceled

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uZL1_nIH3CI Weird the things we take with us to the lake Keepsakes in our veins with us in our lanes Kissing at the stoplight In the broad daylight Double parked in your car Smoking with the stars I sucked I guess at just being cool And there you were eating all the glue 5 minutes to, to Cicero Heard a love song and thought of you 5 minutes to, to Cicero Running far away was all I ever Wanted to do, just me and you Was hopelessly in love with you You didn’t look up from your phone Convinced of us, filled with lust, and trust You were building great walls, I didn’t know Lost in, in a drift Stuck in, in a rift Looking for, for a shift Falling off, off the cliff Dreamed to marry you Keep you in my arms An endless love story Romance, all that glory Had to bluntly break free So that you’d agree Wasn’t easy for me Come over and leave It’s not what I wanted Both our souls are haunted Ever-after endgame Soaked in tears and blame 5 minutes from, from Cicero I didn’t come looking for a fight 5 minutes from, from Cicero I can cut you just as deep Gonna ignore you all I want Threw my heart and hopes on the line You sighed and laughed at my shoes You were just somebody Could’ve been anybody

I'm a whore in the between, layer of pig Dirty boar, tarnished clean, layer of pig Flooded shores, rusted meat, lair of pig I can't be who I am if you want me to be Something, just something fucking else Does this all make sense? I can't be who I am if you want me to be Something fucking else You adore soiled queens, layer of pig Thirsty pores, mud vaccine, layer of pig You're the whore, tap dance freak, air of pig I can't be who I am if you want me to be Whatever, just something fucking else Does this all make sense? I can't be who I am if you want me to be Does it make sense? Something fucking else Does it make sense? Does it make any sense at all? I can't be who I am if you want me to be Something, just something fucking else Does this all, all make sense? I can't be who I am if you want me to be Does this all make sense? Something fucking else

Dripping from lips Perceiving this girl My heart trips Sipping finger tips Sweat with wet My mouth unzips Liquid sex When I'm down Around your lips Liquid sex Lash my tongue About your clit Liquid sex Just how wet Can you get? Liquid sex Just how wet Can you get? Gripping silken hips Breathing these curls My dick rips Stripping on ships Pet my jet Ever ..oh.. whipped Liquid sex When I'm down Around your lips Liquid sex Lash my tongue About your clit Liquid sex Just how wet Can you get? Liquid sex Just how wet Can you get?

You are not a slave You are not a fucking slave 24865017-61850955 To accept the charges Press one now The more I am made To feel leashed and shaved The less I am enticed By the dull warmth Radiating your cage Butterflying lice Radiation your face Acne price Touch, punch, fuck Touch me now, punch me now Fuck me now, I am cold You might scare people with that message It was a good one Wouldn't scare nobody To accept the charges Press one now The more I am tricked By grampa thoughts and fleshed bricks The less I am willing To forgive the scars Wound to lick, skinned up bars Human ticks, candy jars Control fix, dysfunction par Touch, punch, fuck Touch me now, punch me now Fuck me now, I am cold You are not a slave Ok you aren't very commercial But that's ok, huh Fuck commercialization Fuck the diabolic clown cauldron, alright You are not a slave You might scare people with that message But you are not a fucking slave It was a good one Wouldn't scare nobody To accept the charges Press one now So does your whore The more I am molded With foil and christmas coal The less I am ready For hot pocket guilt Redundant scolds, nasal silk 50s hold, pinball tilt Coward bold, razor built Heart of mold, blood of milk Touch, punch, fuck Touch me now, punch me now Fuck me now, I am cold But you are not a fucking slave 24865017-61850955

I had forgotten What it was like What it was like To be fucked up Forgotten, I had forgotten What it was like I had forgotten What it was like Fucked up Fucked up Fucked up To be fucked up Forgotten What it was like What it was like I had forgotten To be fucked up I had forgotten What it was like Forgotten To be fucked up Fucked up To be fucked up What it was like To be fucked up I had forgotten Forgotten What it was like To be fucked up Fucked up Fucked up What it was like What it was like Forgotten I had forgotten I had forgotten I had forgotten I had forgotten I had forgotten Forgotten To be fucked up To be fucked up To be fucked up What it was like What it was like I had forgotten What it was like Forgotten I had forgotten To be fucked up Fucked up To be fucked up