Listener question: relationship

Listener question: I am suffering en struggling for a long time with my relationship (and in life generally, nothing really changes, it seems that I don’t want to, never knew what i wanted in life, no plan, no ideas, to serious).I started this relationship because i was curious about the person but I also had the thought of being afraid of men and I wanted to overcome it… So not really because I was in love.In a way I pushed an forced myself, not at first but later on I did. Got scared, confused, didn’t understand my feelings/thoughts, controlling them, did not really know anymore what is a good feeling and what not.Many times thinking and tried to end the relationship, which of course created a lot of scary feelings and doubt.He is actually a good person, quite patient with me (of couse not always), loves life. He is human and has stuff, but he can deal quite good with it. I am actually jealous of him about that. He lives abroad so we don’t see each other very often.He says wise and true things about the thinking an living life. He also says he does want to live this way with eachother.I know he is right and that I have tot do something, stay and live with him or go. Because if have been busy and thinking so much about the situation I dont’feel well. I work less at the moment because of the stress. Sleep not very well. I am scared my head, heart can not cope with the situation anymore, often headaches and a heart that feels very upset, palpitations. I am scared that I am doing this to myself, first it didn’t feel that way, but i guess I am doing it (my mum used to say to my, what are you doing to youself).There is hardly any room for new or other thinking (I did not even know that was even possible) my head goes back tot the same story over and over again because I have to figure it out and because I am suffering.I feel low and down, especially when people or he says, do something about the situation, live life before it is too late.It is true, I don’t live, I am in my head and it scares me. Scared that I, thinking wil not change, and that I will miss life an maybe great opportunities. I stay in the same place, situations.And I don’t feel good or joyfull feelings.Numb, surpress. I hope you can give me some new perspective about me, life, thinking.