Live Autistic Truth: "every clock is a handgun pointed at my head"

Free Resources & Purchase Links👉 Subscribe… free or paid… to Substack, geta free PDF of the entire "every clock is a handgun pointed at my head" collection.👉 Support my work → Available as Amazon ebook or softcover. Exclusive hardcover edition coming soon.Content Note: Strong language, mental health struggles, time anxietyVideo SummaryA live piece that cracks open what it really feels like to be autistic in this world.No sanitized inspiration porn. No academic bullshit. Just the real lived experience. In plain, simple language. With no hidden meanings to decode.About the time anxiety. The grief. The moments of transcendent peace we may find… alone… in the flow.Content Note: Strong language, mental health struggles, time anxietyKey Themes Explored:* Time anxiety and deadline pressure that many autistic adults face* Sensory overwhelm from constant notifications and time pressures* Nature as sanctuary and healing space for neurodivergent minds* Authentic autistic experience without sugar-coating or toxic positivity* Mental health struggles with honesty and vulnerabilityWho This Speaks To:* Adults discovering or living with autism* Anyone struggling with time anxiety and deadline pressure* People seeking authentic mental health poetry* Those who find peace in nature and solitude* Readers interested in neurodivergent perspectives on daily lifeDiscussion Starters:* How does time pressure affect your daily autistic experience?* What spaces or practices help you find relief from overwhelming expectations?* Do you relate to the contrast between societal time demands and natural rhythms?Full TranscriptSo now, uh, we maybe know each other a little better. Let's cut deeper.My time, it can't be measured. Not a dimension. It's a force.A violent force.every clock is a handgun pointed at my headIIIEvery clock is a handgun pointed at my headEvery tick, tick… fucking tickTolling Fear, Doom… dreadClick. Slide. Cock… click.Every night a mantra echoes through my headTV static… a crazy-making humSinging Dream, Drempt… dead…Not done. Not done. Not done… undone.10, 9, 8… Dread7, 6, 5… Fear4, 3, 2… BEEP.Shoot the moon… or the country next doorCountdown. Deadline. Bow down… dead.Bound behind doors, bound in my headPace, paces, pacing… pacedEvery BEEP.Of the phone.Stops…my heart....I crash out with a scream for escapeIIWoodsDeep woodsDeepest woodsMy ears flyfrom bird songto bird song.A raptor circles then spiralsCrossing lines now deadWind steals my breathTaking words never saidThis skin bag of atmosphereBreathes new airWhen the sun risesFirst it is coolThen it gets warmThe day passesClouds above my head.Shaped by windOutside my bodyThe same windInside my bodyThesameWindYet…I10, 9, 8… Dread7, 6, 5… Fear4, 3, 2… BEEP.Shoot the moon… or the country next doorCountdown. Deadline. Bow down… dead.Every clock is a handgun pointed at my headzeroConnect:* Share your time anxiety experiences below* Hit the bell for new releases#AutisticAF Out Loud Newsletter is a reader-supported publication. Click… free To receive new posts and “every clock” PDF. To support my work, consider becoming a paid subscription. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe