#AutisticAF Out Loud

Still driven to matter. Desperately. Almost 73. And I can’t unwind… busted springs, broken dancer in a jewel box. This piece isn’t an answer. It’s an accusation. And underneath? A terrified question I can’t stop asking.Is listening more your thing? Hit the play icon ▶️ on the player above. Or pick your app: Apple, Spotify, Overcast, YouTube.{Music} IntroYou're listening to AutisticAF Out Loud. One voice. Raw. Real. Fiercely Neurodivergent. One autistic elder’s truth. I’m Johnny Profane.Content Note: language, psych ward experiences, childhood sexual & emotional abuse, intergenerational family harm + opinions & experiences of one autistic elder. It’s everywhere. Every where I go anyways.I’m chatting with this young professional couple ahead of me in a line. Maybe, grad students…? This long, Walmart self-checkout is just brimming with fresh faces this August.There’s an awkward break… like always in these in-line chats. Like we’re para-neighbors or something.So… I’ve gotten used to a little stimming while I wait. In the silence, I arch my back backwards then I drop my head toward the floor… Breathe out, relax, straighten up, and…They’re staring. Four eyes blinking through glasses. Two mouths open.I… I… think a moment. Running through possible causes for those gawking faces. Then, I get it.“Oh… Oh that.” I slip into my little canned moment. “Ya see, I’m autistic. I know. I don’t look like autistic. I’m old.” [Chuckle.] “But if I say… or do something… that seems, well, odd? Just let me know.”You could see it instantly. I went from bizarre, possibly fiercesome alien to… cute, harmless, possibly lovable, old oddball.A blink or two… from each. The guy, in the designer hoodie, waves back and forth between himself and the young woman. “Oh, we get it.” A bit more waving. “We love ‘Love on the Spectrum.’ Never miss it.”To my credit, I manage a… thin smile, with a little mock hand-waving and a quiet, “Yeah, doggie.”Shortly, they leave the store, waving back at me. And I wave back. It’s more like they have a cute para-social crush on an idea… of autism.But I’m thinking…That show… and that couple’s genuine attempt to connect? They’re something… for now. I guess… But I’ve been obsessing about stereotypes lately.Like everybody suddenly knows the real me cuz they read an article on Thinking Person’s Guide to Autism…TV viewers? None of them know me. It’s more like they have a cute para-social crush on an idea… of autism.I try to bear in mind I may be going through a phase ... [laffs]But…I am autistic + ADHD here. Turning 73, come June. I want you to know this reality… my personal reality. But shared by too many other neurodivergents.I’ll never know what it means to grow up withoutsensory, physical, emotional, and sexual trauma from…family, teachers, playmates, care-taking professionals,the occasional stranger.I’ll never know a life without repeated psych ward stays.So… it just may not be autism that blocks my dreams… Ya know?Just stick a pin in that thought for a moment. We’ll circle back, after a bit… after I speak my piece…“What… would I be… then…?”Like most humans, I grapple with dreams… I will never realize in this life... nearing its end. Dreams that wind my clock.The biggest? The gut-wrenching need to matter... Less noble? My yearning for fame & recognition. I fear letting that dream go.Cuz what… would I be… then...?This piece isn’t an answer. It’s an accusation. And I can guaran-damn-tee you it’ll never stream on Netflix.I call it…LETTING GOBeing born left its markThat’s how I came to fear the dark...Far back as i know I fear letting goAlways scouting for that shortcutI fear letting goCareening towards god knows whatFearing letting goDark lightning in my gutFrom fear of letting go Letting goLetting goGod i need To let go… Everybody knowsI need to let go.All life longDrempt damned dreams The kind that get you reborn,To be big, to be… known.As this long life, this dream… endsI fear letting goCuz what would I… be… then?Been saying latelyGot to unwind… Twist.Got the heart… not the chopsI got to unwindUnwind… Twist.Need a dream detoxGot to unwind Un Wind… Twist.Click…Busted springs andBroken dancer in a jewel box. Good gawd almightyI gots to unwind.Sleepwalking in the moist dark nightA toddler memory, I feared a lightShadowed crack under mommy’s doorGroans, cries, sighs… moreThen...Turning a knob on forbidden sightDaddy’s rage, a parasiteCrawling… gnawing my insides That night I first feared the light.Black thunder in a winter stormI fear the trembling lightMantra falling in a mind at warTerrified of that lightFear that lightFear that lightI fear that lightMore than psych ward nightI fear that blinding lightBeing born left its markThat’s how I came to fear the dark...But waking, startled, late in lifeI came to cower… at the light.Ok. What I feel… what I experience inside? Or what other autistic adults may feel?It ain’t something you’ll ever binge on Netflix. No camera films what’s inside us.So, unpin that thought I asked you to save… about blocked dreams. Let’s just circle back.It ain’t autism. Or ADHD. Or any other neurological difference that blocks our dreams. Even those that are so different from yours.I don’t believe ANY of this 7 decades of trauma…familial disappointment…social judgment…failure… pain…Had anything to do with my own inborn genetics... nature... Or Mommy’s fucking Tylenol.But, and…here’s the hope,the meaning,the good part…Based on the joyful thingsI could say,did do,did experience,do share…even against all the barriers human culture has ever erectedFor me… for all neurodivergents…I can not imagine the joy thatfuture neurodivergent kids could have a shot at...If “They” stop trying to “cure” our natural behaviors that annoy... or frighten… only “Them.”And start supporting the natures and gifts we do possess. From the moment we come naked into this world.I can NOT imagine what our kids could say, do, experience… in that future world.Thank you so much for giving me your time, my friends. And the space to sputter my rage into.{Music}CHAPTERS:0:00 — Cold Open0:27 — Intro / Content Note0:57 — It’s Everywhere5:16 — Letting Go (poem)8:19 — Ok. What I feel… what I experience inside?9:21 — But, and… Here’s the good part10:31 — Thank you so much for giving me your timeMore Spoken Word:I share more pieces like this at AutisticAF Out Loud on SubstackGet the Chapbook:every clock is a handgun pointed at my head, art, poetry, and raw neurodivergent truth. Thirteen pieces. One autistic life, unfiltered. Available on AmazonSubscribe to AutisticAF Out Loud... free or paid... and get the full PDF in your inbox. On me.One-time support for my work here: · Paypal · Facebook Pay “Johnny Knapp Âû”· Ko-Fi About This Work:Johnny (Knapp) Profane Âû spoke at the UN World Autism Acceptance Day in 2022 about his illustrations rooted in neurodivergence. Published in Wordgathering (journal of disability poetry & literature), Neuroclastic, and Thinking Person’s Guide to Autism. In a former life, founding publisher of Unix World magazine. Living in rural Indiana in a trailer across the courtyard from his wife. With his 2 dogs, cat, and an unwavering commitment to raising hell, autistic style.​#ActuallyAutistic #SpokenWord #DisabilityPoetry #NeurodivergentArt #AuDHD #MentalHealthAwareness #AutisticAF #AutisticElder #LateAutismDiagnosisConnect:* Drop a comment — Do you experience barriers to realize your dreams? Do you rush from goal to goal… fearing letting go? Do you find meaningful accommodation for your differences in your job or career ?* Hit the “follow” bell for new releasesThanks for reading #AutisticAF Out Loud Newsletter! Algorithms are not kind to neurodivergent voices. If this hit home? Please share to get the word out. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe

Note to long-time subscribers: You’re seeing this one again cuz I’ve given the original video a serious makeover. Then tucked it into a small archive of live spoken word pieces, for the newer folks these raw pieces brought to our strange little corner of the internet._____Someone wrote me: “These knocked me sideways… I spent so much time as an undiagnosed autistic girl, wondering if I was the alien dropped among the normies.”I can’t see faces. When I try to remember someone… even my wife… I see a shifting, indistinct swirl of features.This piece,” “A Swirl of Flesh-Colored Fog,” is about wanting to be friends. Struggling with that simple human desire… when your brain doesn’t work the way the world expects. No clinical terms. No inspiration porn. What it’s like.I don’t need diagnosed. I need appreciated for who I am.Yeah, I know the diagnostic term. Prosopagnosia. Let’s just say I’m not into masking behind tongue-twisting gig latin. Or symptom lists… that are stereotypes, in the end.Imagine my brief career as a salesman. Now… imagine a couple of lost marriages.I don’t need diagnosed. I need appreciated for who I am.How about you?Content Note: opinions & experiences of one autistic elder.Full Text Transcript.Friends? Finally late in life, I got friends… and love.And this last one is a selfie of what that’s like for me.I call it…A Swirl of Flesh-Colored Fog“Ya gotta minute?”She takes a quick scan of the aisles. Then toward the eternal sale table near the entrance. Pink and blue signs promising, “Two… If you buy just one…”It’s silent. Just me standing in front of her. Bottle of the Coke Zero I’m addicted to in my hand.Dusk. Rural Indiana. I guess the local beef cattlemen, horsey folks, and military munitions testers up at Crane Naval Base? They don’t hit Dollar General so much around sundown.“Sure,” she says. “Nobody much comes in around now. Z’up… you good?”I take a beat. To use my words… to find my words.“I’m trying to remember all you guys’… um, ya know, everybody’s names….”“Oh, no worries. You’re good. We really all should have name badges.”I take another beat. To switch appropriate gears.“No. You know. The autism thing. I have this face and name thing. It’s weird… but I can’t remember faces.”Awkward… awkward pause.If you’re listening to this, if you’re reading…Let me try to take you inside. My being…What’s that like? I only see… Well, words fail me.Take a visit to Walmart. Just a sea of faceless ghosts. Folks I greet, “I… I kn-know you… I have this thing. Can you tell me your name again?”Embarrassment. Stammering apologies…See, it’s like this…A swirl of flesh-colored fogThat’s my wife’s face in dreamsI only see her walking awayA grey ponytail… tattered jeansLove of my life… can’t see her…Not her green eyes… in stage makeup…Just homemade tats… the shape of her hair…Feelings,memories…talking after that breakup…So, I’m back talking to that DG clerk.“We don’t get out much. You guys? I… I guess it’s a job. But to us? You’re… well, friends. It means something to me. To learn your name. To… know you.”It means something to me. To remember your names. And… faces.“Oh.” Confused, she pauses. “It’s really ok. We know you and your wife. We get it.”“You know?” I’m urgent. I want her to get… I want her to get the weight of it. “It’s not for you. It’s for me. It means something to me. To remember your names. And… and put them with your faces. To be… friends.”I flash on all those parental commands to, “Make friends!”Then I say, “I just won’t get it right… right away. But I want to enjoy… doing it.”Silence. Awkward. But intimate.I stammer. “Are you… are you, uh, Ari?” When confused, my go-to fallback is details.“No, no, she’s the… she’s the short blond one.” She waves her right hand about shoulder high.“I know Kensington… cuz well I walked in on her anaphylactic…. Ya know, allergy attack. Over in the Dollar Aisle.”“Yeah. She’s the short one with black hair.” She gestures with her right hand again, just a hair lower. “And… and I’m Cyndi.”We laugh. Together.She mentions the name tags again. I make reassuring noises.“That’s Windy, right?”“No.” She laughs. “Cyndi… Just with the I and Y… reversed.”“Oh, thank god. For a moment I misremembered again. Thought you were named after that sappy 60s song.”She laughs, easy… again. “No, never that.”We share a wink. A nod.The doors slide… I walk outside.Cyndi. Just with the I and the Y… reversed.A swirl of flesh-colored fog. Framed by glasses. And twisted brown hair up on her head.About… yay… tall.CHAPTERS:0:00 — Friends? Finally late in life…0:23 — Dollar General, sundown1:54 — Let me take you inside2:32 — “A Swirl of Flesh-Colored Fog”5:35 — About… yay… tallMore Spoken Word:I share more pieces like this at AutisticAF Out Loud on Substack:https://johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/p/spoken-word-poetryGet the Chapbook:every clock is a handgun pointed at my head, art and poetry collection available on Amazon:https://www.amazon.com/every-clock-handgun-pointed-head-ebook/dp/B0FNLHC6SYSubscribers… free or paid… receive a free PDF of this neurodivergent art & poetry collection by email.About This Work:Johnny (Knapp) Profane Âû spoke at the UN World Autism Acceptance Day in 2022 about his illustrations rooted in neurodivergence. Published in Wordgathering (journal of disability poetry & literature), Neuroclastic, and Thinking Person’s Guide to Autism. In a former life, founding publisher of Unix World magazine. Living in rural Indiana in a trailer across the courtyard from his wife. With his 2 dogs, cat, and an unwavering commitment to raising hell, autistic style.​#SpokenWord #ActuallyAutistic #DisabilityPoetry #NeurodivergentArt #MentalHealthAwarenessConnect:* Drop a comment — Do you struggle to remember faces? Or yearn for connection your brain won’t let you have?* Hit the “follow” bell for new releases This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe

If you’re drawn to the raw experience born of neurodivergence, disability, trauma… or just honest storytelling that doesn’t sanitize the hard parts… Maybe this one’s for you. With full transcript, video, original artwork.Family leaves marks on you. Some visible, some not. Hell, just breathing-while-autistic… in the adult world… does a number.“Couldn’t you at least make it, Profano?” says my wife-to-be. Adding, “Who wants to be called ‘Profane??’”Conversations about changing my last name… I mean, who knew it was supposed to be a “couples conversation”?Not this smartass, but-naive-as-hell, 58-year-old autist. Not sitting on someone else’s couch. That we happen to be surfing in a backwoods Greene County, Indiana cabin.Um. I guess, my bad. But…I was busy reeling from losing my fourth or fifth career, estrangement from my family of origin, a forced 700-mile relocation… by bus… to Indiana,my new relationship with my future wife and family,joblessness, and homelessness…in under 6 months.And I never did the whole unspoken-rule thing well. Ya know, auDHD? So really not on my best game that day.I’m not ashamed. I’m not broken…“I gotta make a br-break,” I start sputtering. “They’ll tell themselves stories. They’ll make up shit. M-Make me a demon.”“They?” Her eyebrow arches. The eyebrow that raised 7 kids.This is 2011. I don’t have enough words in that moment to tell her who “they” are. Pretty much every relationship, teacher, job, and cause I’d walked out of. In my already long, getting-longer-fast life.“I’m not ashamed. I’m not broken. I don’t have a fucking clue where I’m headed. But this is who I am. I gotta own… my self.” I kinda hear myself say that. Out loud. Catches me up short.Then, after a thoughtful beat, I mutter, “Right in their faces.”My wife has a bit to say. About changing her name to “Profane.” I have a bit too much to say in my dig-in-my-heels response. We had some wild moments back then…After a few months, I went the stagename route, Johnny Profane. Kept the potential marriage alive through compromise. But still managed to keep the “in their faces” intact.Cuz family… and the life after… leave marks on you. Some visible. Some not.I choose to wear them in plain sight…Shamelessly.I choose to wear them in plain sight…Shamelessly.This piece is what it means to me to live without apology. I got some things right, got some things wrong. And somehow kept stumbling forward anyways.​This piece draws from real moments… scaling Mount Marcy the night Elvis died in 1977,leaving family behind 34 years later, complicated relationships that never quite resolve.I was finally diagnosed autistic at 63. It’s been almost 10 years. So I wrote this.Full Text Transcript.So I call this one, Shameless.Watch the 3+ minute performance (headphones recommended):Content Note: language, family estrangement, ableism, trauma, homelessness + opinions & experiences of one autistic elder.ShamelessLive long enoughYa get a lot right,Get a lot wrong.Get to knowWell enoughYa can’t be a saintLurking in shadow…Living life perfectlyShameless.Shameless?Oh let me beShameless…No sun setsOn a painless life,So no moon shinesOn a stainless wife.Oh let me be… comeShameless.Scaling Mount MarcyThat night as Elvis died,Got branded a MountebankAs my sister grew colder.Stalking Death ValleySame sister… now dead… to meSame stars… chill my shouldersNow living life perfectlyShameless…Shameless.Oh let me beShameless…No peak capsAn aimless life,And no grave ever filledBy a blameless knife.Oh let me be… comeShameless.No mask hidesThe pain in life,So no words canExplain my fight.So, let me Be… come…Shameless.FadeoutI hate it. I love that one…That’s the whole thing, isn’t it. Living with both at once.CHAPTERS:0:00 — Introduction0:11 — Shameless (the poem begins)MORE SPOKEN WORD:I share more pieces like this at AutisticAF Out Loud on Substack: https://johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/p/spoken-word-poetryGET THE CHAPBOOK:“every clock is a handgun pointed at my head” — art and poetry collection available on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/every-clock-handgun-pointed-head-ebook/dp/B0FNLHC6SYABOUT THIS WORKJohnny (Knapp) Profane Âû spoke at the UN World Autism Acceptance Day in 2022 about his illustrations rooted in neurodivergence. Published in Wordgathering (journal of disability poetry & literature), Neuroclastic, and Thinking Person’s Guide to Autism. In a former life, founding publisher of Unix World magazine. Living in rural Indiana in a trailer across the courtyard from his wife. With his 2 dogs, cat, and an unwavering commitment to raising hell, autistic style.​#SpokenWord #DisabilityPoetry #AutisticPoet #NeurodivergentArt #FamilyTrauma #AutisticAF #PoetryPerformance #MentalHealthAwareness #ActuallyAutistic #RawPoetryConnect:* Drop a comment — What does family life look like for you?* Hit the “follow” bell for new releases#AutisticAF Out Loud Newsletter is a reader-supported publication. Click for a free subscription to receive new posts… and a free PDF of my Amazon chapbook of poetry. To support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.Support AutisticAF.me here: Paypal · Ko-Fi · Facebook Pay “Johnny Knapp Âû”https://ko-fi.com/autisticaf This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe

IntroSomeone said an average writer “borrows.” The other kinds, both kinds... steal out right.Bowie, Robert Johnson, Marvin Gaye. I owe you guys one for this. Believe I’ll Ch-Ch-Change… My Shirt.Sunlight cracks my window, Gotta be midday. Kick myself a pathway Just to pee into the bowl. Like a peek into that deepest hole, Zombie in the Mirror won’t let me look away — Same filthy shirt as yesterday, Body and soul. I Gotta Change. They say, “Ya gotta ch-ch-change. New day’s a-coming. Cuz that same old, It’s getting fucking old.” They say, “Shed that old skin For one of truest gold…” I. Gotta. Change. Believe I’ll ch-ch-change My… Shirt. Karma’s a bitch dog, in heat. She prowls my old mind, Sleeps beside me every night… Feasting on defeats. No stone blocks this empty tomb But I can’t leave her behind... Memories of the darkest kind Blind my way outta this room... T H A T change I can not make— Faced all the strange this heart can take… I gotta change… I gotta change… I gotta change… I. Gotta. Change. Believe I’ll ch-ch-change My… Shirt. Break it down… I believe, I believe, I’ll go back home. I believe, I believe, I’ll go back home. You can't mistreat me here, babe, But you can when I get home… Waitress smiles, checkout jokes… shoplifting contact with little hope casual chic in the cubicle hoarding freak in the domicile Molestation devastation Frustration infestation losing jobs taking jabs Meltdown, shutdown… losing your shit Choose the label for your best fit Can’t see the forest For the leaves, That’s what’s brought me To my knees… New day’s never coming. And that same old, Got fucking older. I yearn to shed that old skin I crave that shiny gold… I. Gotta. Change. Believe I’ll ch-ch-change My… Shirt.Man I feel the drama today. Hope you guys can handle it.Massive shoutout to artists I stole quotes from… David Jones, known to the world as David Bowie for “Changes,” that he released in 1972. And to blues genius Robert Johnson for “Dust My Broom,” released in 1937. And as always to Marvin Gaye, for his soul… invisible but always there.* More Live Autistic Spoken Word BioJohnny (Knapp) Profane Âû is an auDHD spoken word poet, blogger, podcaster… sometime cosplaying Pretend Rock Star.Diagnosed autistic at 63, he’s published AutisticAF Out Loud since 2019… a raw, fiercely neurodivergent voice.His spoken word piece, “every clock is a handgun pointed at my head,” appeared in Wordgathering, a journal of disability poetry & literature. In 2022, he spoke at the UN World Autism Acceptance Day on his illustrations rooted in neurodivergence. Neuroclastic, Thinking Person’s Guide to Autism, and other sites have featured his work since 2019. In an earlier life, he was founding publisher of Unix World magazine in 1984.Johnny lives in a rural Indiana trailer… next to his wife’s trailer… with his dogs & cat. Occasionally he shaves… to face Walmart.“I’m autistic. Born 1953.I was not a product of a vaccine.I was not born to be pitied.I was born to raise Hell.Autistic style.I’m not out to inspire you.I’m out to give youan experience..of a life.”“every clock is a handgun pointed at my head,” art & poetry collection. available on Amazon.Connect:* Share your burnout experiences below* Hit the bell for new releases#AutisticAF Out Loud Newsletter is a reader-supported publication. Click below to receive new posts & free PDF of full Amazon collection… free. To support my work, consider becoming a paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe

Full Spoken Word TranscriptMy time, it can’t be measured. Not a dimension. It’s a force.A violent force.every clock is a handgun pointed at my headIIIEvery clock is a handgun pointed at my headEvery tick, tick… fucking tickTolling Fear, Doom… dreadClick. Slide. Cock… click.Every night a mantra echoes through my headTV static… a crazy-making humSinging Dream, Drempt… dead…Not done. Not done. Not done… undone.10, 9, 8… Dread7, 6, 5… Fear4, 3, 2… BEEP.Shoot the moon… or the country next doorCountdown. Deadline. Bow down… dead.Bound behind doors, bound in my headPace, paces, pacing… pacedEvery BEEP.Of the phone.Stops…my heart....I crash out with a scream for escapeIIWoodsDeep woodsDeepest woodsMy ears flyfrom bird songto bird song.A raptor circles then spiralsCrossing lines now deadWind steals my breathTaking words never saidThis skin bag of atmosphereBreathes new airWhen the sun risesFirst it is coolThen it gets warmThe day passesClouds above my head.Shaped by windOutside my bodyThe same windInside my bodyThesameWindYet…I10, 9, 8… Dread7, 6, 5… Fear4, 3, 2… BEEP.Shoot the moon… or the country next doorCountdown. Deadline. Bow down… dead.Every clock is a handgun pointed at my headzero* More Live Autistic Spoken Word BioJohnny (Knapp) Profane Âû is an auDHD spoken word poet, blogger, podcaster… sometime cosplaying Pretend Rock Star.Diagnosed autistic at 63, he’s published AutisticAF Out Loud since 2019… a raw, fiercely neurodivergent voice.His spoken word piece, “every clock is a handgun pointed at my head,” appeared in Wordgathering, a journal of disability poetry & literature. In 2022, he spoke at the UN World Autism Acceptance Day on his illustrations rooted in neurodivergence. Neuroclastic, Thinking Person’s Guide to Autism, and other sites have featured his work since 2019. In an earlier life, he was founding publisher of Unix World magazine in 1984.Johnny lives in a rural Indiana trailer… next to his wife’s trailer… with his dogs & cat. Occasionally he shaves… to face Walmart.“I’m autistic. Born 1953.I was not a product of a vaccine.I was not born to be pitied.I was born to raise Hell.Autistic style.I’m not out to inspire you.I’m out to give youan experience..of a life.”“every clock is a handgun pointed at my head,” art & poetry collection. available on Amazon.Connect:* Share your time anxiety experiences below* Hit the bell for new releases#AutisticAF Out Loud Newsletter is a reader-supported publication. Click below to receive new posts & free PDF of full Amazon collection… free. To support my work, consider becoming a paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe

IntroMy grandfather was a… complex man.He slept beside an orderly nightstand.Tucking Mein Kampf tightIn its tidy drawer every night.And…He used to take me sailing.{Silence}Is listening more your thing? Hit the headphone icon 🎧 on the player at top. Or pick your app: Apple, Spotify, Overcast, YouTube.Content Note: This piece addresses troubling family history and inherited complexity.I call this one…Slouching Toward Montauk... Let’s say… I’m in my 70s now. Happiest time of my autistic life.Not too worried about some fabulous unachievable autistic Nirvana… These days…Now, here’s that story.My grandfather was a… complex man.He slept beside an orderly nightstand.Tucking Mein Kampf tightIn its tidy drawer every night.And…He used to take me sailing out to Montauk Point… a sea journey from Bay Shore, Long Island… at least as he sailed it on the ocean side… swinging out into the deep water…In his telling, it was a fabulous place.Where a sandstone lighthouse lit the waves, warning of danger.Where the grass on the golf course grew sideways.And every single damn tree bowed toward the West…From the eternal wind blowing onshore.His heaven on earth, he called it…...The wind carries all the sound away…But its roar in my earscreates a kind of hushed silenceinside me..I always experience high anxietyas we lose sight of the shore.Just sky, waves & constant rolling…Disoriented.Like a whiteout in a blizzard.If you throw in some seasickness.But after an hour or so, I make my way to the prow. And sit.Wind on my faceSun on my bodySalt breeze filling my chest…Quieting my heart.Anxiety? Disorientation?I observeThe fixed lighthouseIn the far off dusk.Splashing its light… bravelyInto the spray.Knowing deepIn its softNative sandstone heart…Time and tide wait for it....I stop caring about the shoreline. And the anxious Hell waiting for me on the other side. For hours at a time.....Who cares about sailing toward Montaukand its fabulous trees…anymore…Or... ever again?I’m busy breathing in…thisfabulous momenthereMore autistic spoken word: If this resonated for you, I share more pieces like this on AutisticAF Out Loud.Connect:* Drop a comment… How complex was your family history for you as a neurodivergent? * What refuges did you find?* Hit the “follow” bell for new releasesGet the Chapbook:every clock is a handgun pointed at my head, art, poetry, and raw neurodivergent truth. Thirteen pieces. One autistic life, unfiltered. Available on AmazonSubscribe to AutisticAF Out Loud… free or paid… and get the full PDF in your inbox. On me. #AutisticAF Out Loud Newsletter: One Voice. Raw. Real. Fiercely Autistic.Subscribe free to receive new autistic spoken‑word & essays… and instantly get my “thank you” gift: a free PDF of my poetry & art chapbook, every clock is a handgun pointed at my headThanks for reading #AutisticAF Out Loud Newsletter! The algorithm hates me. I must be doing something right… so feel free to share it.I’m an autistic poet and spoken word performer, diagnosed at 63. Now in my 70s. I’ve been publishing AutisticAF Out Loud since 2019… work that refuses to be packaged. My spoken word piece , every clock is a handgun pointed at my head, was published in Wordgathering, a journal of disability poetry & literature. In 2022, I spoke at the UN World Autism Acceptance Day about my illustration work rooted in autism & ADHD.I live in a rural Indiana trailer… across the courtyard from my wife’s trailer… with my 2 dogs & cat. Occasionally I shave… to face Walmart.The algorithms hate me. I must be doing something right.#SpokenWord #AutismAcceptance #AutisticPoetry #Mindfulness#AutisticAF Out Loud Newsletter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts free, click the link below. To support my work, consider becoming a paid subscriber.Support AutisticAF.me with a one-time tip here: · Paypal · Ko-Fi · Facebook Pay “Johnny Knapp Âû” This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe

Friends, Grief & Autism…? They say we have no feelings…They say autistics don't have emotions. Don't make friends. Clue, I ain't Spock.This is "My Friend Billy." A spoken word piece about grief, friendship, and what they never tell you about our autistic hearts. From my Amazon chapbook "every clock is a handgun pointed at my head."3 minutes that blast the myth that autistic people lack emotional depth… wide open.Billy died in a polar vortex. Alone in his home. Local newspaper may have blandly read, “A Politician Lies…Local Man Dies.” But he never left my autistic mind. Still laffs in my autistic heart. Teaching it how to praise.👉 Chapbook (paperback & Kindle): https://www.amazon.com/every-clock-handgun-pointed-head-ebook/dp/B0FNLHC6SY👉 Full text + free newsletter: https://johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/👉 New here? Living Autistic Truth playlist: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL_812RrZO_QWB-WHVZRBe-hjr37UNPxdb—Chapters00:07 Intro: They say we have no feelings00:21 65, going on death, woke…01:14 A politician lies… local man dies01:30 Billy . . . I wish I were that poet01:52 Laffing . . .  How he outraced cops02:29 missed him… for an hour—From a live subscriber stream. Original visual art by author throughout. Digital tools include AI.Hand sketches: grave marker, closing abstract image “Bardo #1.”—#ActuallyAutistic #SpokenWord #AutisticPoetry #Neurodivergent #Grief #Friendship #AutisticJoy #DisabilityPoetryJohnny Profane Âû | Born 1953 | Not here to inspire you — here to give you an experience of a life.Stay weird. Stay fierce. Stay alive.We got this. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe

Where does my autistic rage come from? Not from being born wrong. From being raised, schooled, mocked, trained, therapped, and medicated into it.This is about the source. The ones who created what they blamed us for. No apologies, no redemption arc—just the accusation.Content note: Strong language, family trauma, discussion of rage & medical consequences of the rage they told us to keep inside + the experiences & opinions of one autistic elder. Born in 1953.👉 Gift Season: “every clock is a handgun pointed at my head”https://a.co/d/3e0Uc7iRaw spoken word & art exploring autistic experience without the inspiration porn.Perfect for:* Your autistic or ADHD someone (the gift of being seen)* That someone who isn’t... and wants connection (the gift of understanding)👉 Get the chapbook, “every clock is a handgun pointed at my head”: https://a.co/d/3e0Uc7i👉 Full text & community: https://substack.com/@johnnyprofane1👉 Live Autistic Truth playlist: 25 live performances of autistic spoken wordChapters:0:11 Intro: Where Autistic Rage Comes From1:05 I Wasn’t Born this Way1:19 F#&% that Noize1:23 The Nightmare Was You1:41 Being Me around… You1:57 So Many Yous2:07 I Blame You3:11 “every clock is a handgun pointed at my head” chapbooRecorded live, November 2025. Minimal production—raw delivery, authentic processing.This piece discusses:Autistic burnout and rage, family trauma and estrangement, school trauma, workplace discrimination, forced masking consequences, neurodivergent anger, medical consequences of chronic stress (including stroke), unmasking and living authentically.#ActuallyAutistic #AutisticRage #FamilyTrauma #SchoolTrauma #Neurodivergent #AutismBurnout #SpokenWord #NeurodivergentVoices #AutisticAF #UnmaskingAutisticAF Out LoudNot here to inspire you. Here to give you an experience of a life.Born to raise hell. Autistic style.Transcript:Family, school, work...? They created this autistic badass. I wasn’t born under a star named Rage.I’m going to read something. It’s a little bit on the, uh... I don’t know, testy side? And it’s a work in progress. No inspiring ending... yet. Maybe never. Because sometimes there isn’t one.This is about where autistic rage comes from. I’m not ashamed of it. Any more than I’m ashamed of my autistic joy. This is me. It’s why being targeted first isn’t just political. It’s, uh... it’s personal, real personal. It’s a lifetime of being told, I’m the problem. We’re the problem. You’re the problem. And then watching them try to starve us... for political points.I call this... “I Wasn’t Born under a Star named Rage.” I think you get where... you see where I’m headed.I drempt I was on a journey And Charles Bukowski was my guide Like Virgil, Dante… but in a hurry A modern pace for a modern time... fuck that noize I had a screaming nightmare last night and it was you yeah it was a hellscape being around you watching my step around you holding my tongue around you Cringing around you being… me around you I wasn’t born under a star named Rage. No. You raised me You schooled me You mocked me You groped me… so many yous You trained me You therapped me You medicated me I blame you Right or wrong In my blinding, Stroke-at-age-30, repressed… rage I blame you.That’s it. There’ll be more. Maybe there’ll be a redeeming ending. Maybe not. That’s where I’m at. That’s the fuel.You don’t have to relate to every line. And of course, there’s nobody in this audience who’s a “you.” I think you know who “they” are. But if you’ve got rage too, you got my permission to express it. Because you’re not alone in it.Okay. I need to get off and go sleep for a few hours. It’s amazing how I work up for these things. And they can be... difficult for me. I’m so pleased you showed up. I’m so pleased you listen to me sometimes. I’ll talk to you soon.* More Live Autistic Spoken Word #AutisticAF Out Loud Newsletter is a reader-supported publication. Click to receive new posts and a free subscription. To support my work, consider choosing a paid subscription. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe

A father’s reflection on parental regret, missed connections, and what it means to forget the life you didn’t live. Raw spoken word + visual art. No hidden meanings. No inspiration. Just what it’s like👉More poetry: “Live Autistic Truth” playlist (link below) 👉 Full collection: “every clock is a handgun pointed at my head” (link below)👉 Transcript: Link in commentsContent note: Parental regret. Family estrangement. Unfiltered autistic experience.This piece explores the strange way autism and ADHD collapse time. How life-defining choices can feel as forgettable as a radio contest you meant to call. How parental regret sits next to everyday absurdity. How half flying and half falling can be the same motion.Not here to inspire you. Here to give you an experience of a life.CHAPTERS0:00 - Like some angel with a dislocated shoulder0:15 - Half flying, half falling from the day I was born 0:45 - To a silent piano score... a horror picture show1:05 - Don’t be a dick. Real talk.1:25 - That call-in contest you just knew you could win1:35 - Hell, like this song.—————MORE FROM THIS COLLECTION👉 Full chapbook: “every clock is a handgun pointed at my head: songs of autistic innocence...and experience”Amazon: hhttps://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL_812RrZO_QWB-WHVZRBe-hjr37UNPxdb👉 “Live Autistic Truth” playlist (13 spoken word pieces - poetry + performance + visual art):https://www.amazon.com/every-clock-handgun-pointed-head-ebook/dp/B0FNLHC6SY👉 Read the transcript + subscribe for weekly pieces: ABOUT THIS WORKI’m a 72-year-old autistic poet, performer, and multimedia artist. Diagnosed late in life. Making work that gives you the actual experience of being autistic. Not explanations, not inspiration narratives. Raw, unfiltered, unapologetic.This piece explores three intertwining themes: parental regret, the autistic experience of time, and what it means to be seen. Plain language. No academic jargon. No hidden meanings. If you’re autistic, maybe you’ll see yourself. If you’re not, maybe you’ll understand us a little better.Born to raise hell. Autistic style.GIFT IDEALooking for a meaningful gift for someone autistic in your life? This chapbook says “I see you” not “I want to fix you.” Available on Amazon + as Substack gift subscription.#SpokenWord #Poetry #ActuallyAutistic #AutismAcceptance #VisualPoetry #MultimediaArt #PerformancePoetry #NeurodivergentArt #AutisticVoices #ContemporaryPoetry This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe

A spoken word piece about family wounds, estrangement, and choosing to live unapologetically. From Elvis dying on Mount Marcy to stalking Death Valley stars—this is what shameless looks like when you stop trying to be the son they ordered.👉 Gift Season Special: “every clock is a handgun pointed at my head”https://a.co/d/3e0Uc7iRaw poetry & art exploring autistic innocence and experience. Perfect for:* Your autistic or ADHD someone (the gift of being seen)* That someone who isn’t... and wants to understand (the gift of connection)👉 Get the chapbook: https://a.co/d/3e0Uc7i👉 Full text & community: https://substack.com/@johnnyprofane1👉 Live Autistic Truth playlist:https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL_812RrZO_QWB-WHVZRBe-hjr37UNPxdbChapters:0:00 Family Is Complex for Me0:11 Living Life Perfectly Shameless0:45 Mount Marcy to Death Valley1:28 No Mask Hides the PainRecorded live, November 2024. Minimal edits—this is what authentic sounds like.#ActuallyAutistic #ADHD #SpokenWord #FamilyDysfunction #AutisticPoetry #NeurodivergentVoices #AutisticAF---AutisticAF Out LoudNot here to inspire you. Here to give you an experience of a life.Born to raise hell. Autistic style.TranscriptFamily is complex for me, Autistic Plus ADHD. So I call this one, Shameless.Live long enough Ya get a lot right, Get a lot wrong. Get to know Well enough Ya can’t be a saint Lurking in shadow… Living life perfectly Shameless. Shameless. Oh let me be Shameless… No sun sets On a painless life, So no moon shines On a stainless wife. Oh let me be… come Shameless. Scaling Mount Marcy That night as Elvis died, Got branded a Mountebank As my sister grew colder. Stalking Death Valley Same sister… now dead… to me Same stars… chill my shoulders Now living life perfectly Shameless… Shameless. Oh let me be Shameless… No peak caps An aimless life, And no grave ever filled By a blameless knife. Oh let me be… come Shameless… No mask hides The pain in life, So no words can Explain my fight. So, let me Be… come Shameless. I hate it, I love that one.This year, give the gift of being seen… to your autistic or ADHD someone.Or the gift of connection to someone…. who isn’t. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe

Trump brings Gaza war crimes home to US autistics.Using starvation to subjugate people is a war crime, whether at the point of a gun or denying SNAP benefits.November 1st, SNAP halted. Healthcare funding threatened. Social Security could vanish, Trump warns. 42 million Americans face losing food assistance. Not someday—right now.A nation that uses starvation on its own civilians? I’m no lawyer, but I’d argue that’s tantamount to war on its own people. Any day of the week. And I consider it a crime in its own right, even if courts reserve “war crime” for armed conflict.I can hear it already: “You’re being dramatic. That’s hyperbolic. You can’t compare domestic policy to Gaza.”Watch me.Medieval siege techniques. Surround them and starve them out. Whether it’s Gaza or Indiana.What’s Actually Happening?The Trump administration threatens benefits we count on to exist as political leverage during government shutdown negotiations. Support promised to the American public for decades, transformed into weapons to get what Trump wants.Here’s what international law says about that. The Rome Statute explicitly classifies starvation of civilians as a war crime, a crime against humanity. Around the world, deliberately depriving people of food for political gain—that’s defined as genocide.These aren’t my words, they’re international law.Gaza starvation: internationally recognized war crime.SNAP weaponization: They can call it an unfortunate policy choice, but it’s the same tactic, just a different population. Location doesn’t change that. Denying food to gain power simply is withholding food, withholding life for power. They’re not negotiating. They’re holding a gun to our heads.Why Autistics First?Numbers tell you everything you need to know. Autistics face an 85% unemployment rate. So we depend a lot on SNAP—I do. Most of us depend on Medicaid to see our doctors, and many of us are disabled, unable to work. So SSI dependency just to live, it’s a high priority.The government knows exactly who gets hit when they pull these levers: autistics, neurodivergents. We’re the most vulnerable first. We have the least political power of any minority group, I think.And look at the language they use. “Efficiency.” “Streamlining.” “Reducing dependency.” It’s the old Nazi “useless eaters” logic dressed up in techno-bro management appeal. Killing off the weak, dusted off and wrapped in budget terminology. We’re the testing ground, that’s how it always works. Start with disabled people. Normalize the tactic. See who complains, see if you can get away with it. Then expand to the next group.We’re the canaries in the coal mine. We die first. And we’re already choking.The Roll Call of History: Every Empire Does ThisWant to know how I know this is a war crime? Because every failing empire does exactly this. Brings colonial violence home. Every. Single. One.France took torture techniques from Algeria, brought them home for Paris riot control. The U.S. militarized policing in the Philippines, deployed in Ferguson. Britain did the exact same thing: tactics used in the Irish colonies, in India, that came home to British workers as labor disputes escalated.This isn’t speculation. This is documented history. The Ottoman Empire in its death throes: Armenian genocide, Greek genocide, Assyrian genocide. Ancient Rome. Ancient Egypt. Every single one.The pattern is always the same. It starts with unpopular groups: Jews, immigrants, disabled people, people they call “defective,” “foreign,” “unproductive.” Test on them first, see if anyone notices, see if anyone stops you, then expand.Scholars have a term for this: the “boomerang effect.” Or “internal colonialism”—when you apply colonial logic to your own people. Black radical thinkers saw this first, by the way. They recognized the pattern decades ago.The Gaslighting Ends HereSo when someone says “You’re being dramatic”? No. I’m being historically accurate.“That’s hyperbolic.” The Rome Statute disagrees. I can read you the details.“You can’t compare domestic policy to war.” Every empire in history already done that. They already made that comparison for me.We’re not comparing tragedies. “Who’s suffering more than who?” We’re recognizing tragedy.When policy debates require trigger warnings like this article, like this livestream, maybe it’s not policy.When negotiations threaten survival, maybe they’re not negotiations.When efficiency means starvation, maybe it’s not efficient. It’s fucking violence.That need for trigger warnings says it’s violence. Not discourse. We’re not being fragile. We’re being informed. We’re watching it happen in real time. Hell, it’s obvious in every bowl of beans I eat instead of a hell of heavily tariffed hamburger.What We DoLiving through empire in decline: deadly for many. But here’s what we do.We call it as we see it. We refuse sanitized language.When they say “policy,” we call it violence. Because starvation kills as sure as a bullet. Just slower.When they say “negotiate,” we name it hostage taking for the purpose of political power.When they say “efficiency,” we shout starvation tactics.It’s medieval siege by budget. No catapults. No cannons. Just clean spreadsheets.We document the pattern. We recognize what’s really happening while it’s happening. We tell the truth about what we’re witnessing. And we survive together.How? Let’s talk again soon on meaningful resistance, survival, and mutual aid. I’m nearly ready to share my thoughts next week in my next livestream.The Picture I Want to Leave You WithTrump brings Gaza war crimes home. Not as a metaphor—as a moral diagnosis.Same tactics, similar intent, different location, same fucking outcome.Starvation is starvation. Siege is siege. Death is death. Even if the law reserves “war crimes” for battlefields and guys in uniform.Starting with autistics, starting with disabled people, starting with poor people, starting with anyone who needs to eat and expanding from there. Because that’s how it always works.That’s not drama, not autistic overreaction. If I ever hear that again—fuck the gaslighting we’ve lived through all our damn fucking lives.That’s international law in definitions. That’s documented history in its examples. That’s pattern recognition across eras. We’re just the ones recognizing it first.ClosingListen, that’s all I got really. This episode, it’s why I do these livestreams. Why I need this community, you guys.Because when they gaslight us, we need witnesses. We need truth.When they isolate us, we need each other.When they threaten our survival, we need to document what’s happening in real time.See you next week around the same time. We’ll talk resistance, mutual aid. What actually works when the empire comes home.Till then?Stay weird.Stay fierce.Stay alive.Key Timestamps for Chapter Markers:* 0:00 - Opening Thesis* 1:08 - What’s Actually Happening* 2:23 - Why Autistics First* 3:19 - The Roll Call of History* 6:35 - The Gaslighting Ends Here* 7:50 - What We Do#AutisticAF Out Loud Newsletter is a reader-supported publication. Click to receive new posts free. To support my work, consider choosing a paid subscription.* 8:56 - The Picture I Want to Leave You With* 10:03 - Closing This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe

Thank you to everyone who tuned into my live video! Join me for my next live video in the app.Show notes and transcript up tomorrow, 11/3.#AutisticAF Out Loud Newsletter is a reader-supported publication. Click to receive new posts… free. To support my work, please consider a paid subscription.Notes, sources, and further readingnot comprehensive or complete, but where I startedInternational Law: Starvation as War CrimeSupporting Sources:* Rome Statute of the International Criminal Court, Article 8(2)(b)(xxv): Case Matrix Network documenting “Intentionally using starvation of civilians as a method of warfare” as war crime casematrixnetwork​* D’Alessandra, Federica and Matthew Gillett. “The war crime of starvation in non-international armed conflict.” Oxford Blavatnik School of Government Working Paper BSG-WP-2019-031 (November 2019) bsg.ox​Counter/Nuance Source:* Lieber Institute West Point. “The War Crime of Starvation – The Irony of Grasping at Low Hanging Fruit” (September 2024): Notes starvation crime requires armed conflict context and specific intent elements; discusses challenges of prosecution lieber.westpoint​SNAP Shutdown & November 2025 Funding CrisisSupporting Sources:* CBS News. “SNAP funding is set to lapse Nov. 1, leaving recipients empty-handed” (October 30, 2025): USDA memo states “the well has run dry” and “At this time, there will be no benefits issued November 01”; 42 million Americans affected cbsnews+1​* NBC News. “Government shutdown effects bear down on millions more people after a crucial Nov. 1 deadline passes” (November 1, 2025): Despite judge’s ruling, Trump administration indicated November SNAP payments likely delayed nbcnews​Counter/Nuance Source:* NBC News. “Federal judge orders Trump administration to pay SNAP benefits out of contingency fund” (October 31, 2025): Rhode Island Judge McConnell and Massachusetts Judge Talwani ruled USDA must use $5.25B contingency fund; creates uncertainty about timing rather than total cutoff nbcnews​Government Shutdown Timeline & StatusSupporting Sources:* Wikipedia. “2025 United States federal government shutdown” (updated November 2025): Documents shutdown began 12:01 AM EDT October 1, 2025; became second-longest (22 days) on October 22; resulted from partisan disagreements over spending, foreign aid, and ACA health subsidies wikipedia​* CBS News. “The 2025 U.S government shutdown, by the numbers” (October 30, 2025): Senate has voted 13 times on House-passed continuing resolution; all failed to reach 60-vote threshold needed to overcome filibuster cbsnews​Counter/Nuance Source:* NPR. “The federal government is still shut down. Here’s what that means across the country” (October 30, 2025): Notes Republicans blame Democrats for voting against funding 14 times; Democrats counter that GOP refuses to address expiring ACA tax credits affecting 24 million Americans npr​USDA Refusal to Use Emergency FundsSupporting Sources:* Texas Tribune. “The federal shutdown will halt November SNAP benefits” (October 28, 2025): USDA Secretary Brooke Rollins stated October 27 via USDA website that no November 2025 SNAP benefits would be issued; agency memo says “contingency funds are not legally available to cover regular benefits” texastribune​* USA Today. “Government shutdown live updates” (November 2, 2025): Documents that USDA claimed $5.25 billion contingency fund reserved for disasters, not regular benefits; judges ordered use anyway usatoday​Counter/Nuance Source:* Fortune. “Judges order Trump administration to use emergency reserves for SNAP payments during the shutdown” (October 31, 2025): Federal courts rejected USDA legal interpretation; Massachusetts Judge Talwani ruled government “obligated to deploy contingency funds as necessary” fortune​Social Security & Trump WarningsSupporting Sources:* Newsweek. “Social Security, Medicare are ‘going to be gone,’ Donald Trump warns” (October 21, 2025): Reports Trump statement during shutdown linking Democratic opposition to potential program loss newsweek​* Duke University Government Relations. “Fall 2025 Government Shutdown Updates” (October 31, 2025): Notes “Social Security ‘could vanish,’ Trump warns” among shutdown impacts; documents 31-day shutdown status governmentrelations.duke​Counter/Nuance Source:* American Progress. “The Trump Administration’s Plans To Covertly Cut Social Security Disability Benefits” (October 2025): Distinguishes between shutdown rhetoric and separate regulatory changes to tighten disability eligibility criteria americanprogress​Autism Employment & Benefit DependencySupporting Sources:* Autism Society. “Employment Statistics” (October 2025): Reports up to 85% of autistic adults with college degrees unemployed or underemployed; notes 40% lower earnings than peers with other disabilities autismsociety​* Kids Club ABA. “Autism Unemployment Rate” (May 2025): Cites National Autism Indicators Report showing 14-16% full-time employment among autistic adults kidsclubaba​Counter/Nuance Source:* Reddit r/autism. “PSA: The ‘85% autism unemployment rate’ isn’t accurate” (July 2024): Statistical critique noting figure conflates unemployment, underemployment, and labor force non-participation; argues if 85% of autistic adults were unemployed, they’d represent 94% of all unemployed at 4% national rate reddit​“Useless Eaters” & Eugenic RhetoricSupporting Sources:* Mostert, Mark P. “Useless Eaters: Disability as Genocidal Marker in Nazi Germany.” Documents Binding & Hoche 1920 tract; eugenic progression from efficiency language to T-4 program catholicculture+2​* NIH/PMC. “Confronting the Legacy of Eugenics and Ableism” (December 2023): Shows Industrial Revolution capitalist productivity models reframed disability as state cost pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih​Counter/Nuance Source:* Migration journal. “Reconsidering the history of eugenics and discrimination” (December 2024): Notes eugenic ideas were “deeply intertwined” with race, gender, class and disability—varied significantly across national contexts academic.oup​Boomerang Effect & Internal ColonialismSupporting Sources:* Wikipedia. “Imperial boomerang”: Documents Césaire’s “terrific boomerang” thesis from Discourse on Colonialism (1950); Foucault’s “Society Must Be Defended” lecture (1976) on colonial tactics returning home wikipedia​* Osun Global Commons. “Césaire’s Boomerang Effect on the Streets of Berlin” (March 2023): Analyzes how European bourgeoisie “tolerated Nazism before it was inflicted on them” because it targeted non-Europeans first osunglobalcommons​Counter/Nuance Source:* Reality Studies. “The Department of War on American Cities, Ukraine, Gaza, and the Imperial Boomerang” (September 2025): Cautions against deterministic causation in linking colonial and domestic tactics realitystudies​Britain: Colonial Policing to Domestic ControlSupporting Sources:* Wikipedia. “Aliens Act 1905”: Documents how British emergency powers and crowd-control from Ireland informed domestic legislation wikipedia​* Human Rights Watch. “This Alien Legacy: The Origins of ‘Sodomy’ Laws in British Colonialism” (December 2008): Shows British colonial legal mechanisms later echoed in domestic law hrw​Counter/Nuance Source:* Past & Present. “Aliens in a Revolutionary World” (April 2022): Notes British Alien Act 1793 “fell into disuse” post-Napoleonic Wars, complicating narrative of automatic domestic adoption academic.oup​France/Algeria: Torture Techniques to ParisSupporting Sources:* World Socialist Web Site. “Maurice Papon and the October 1961 massacre of Paris” (October 2021): Documents Papon’s 1956-58 Algeria torture role, then as Paris police chief applied “same methods” in 1961 massacre wsws​* BBC. “How a massacre of Algerians in Paris was covered up” (October 2021): Confirms Papon supervised “repression and torture” in Algeria 1956; police records show he directed 1961 Paris massacre tactics bbc​Counter/Nuance Source:* LA Review of Books. “How to Forget a Massacre” (October 2019): Emphasizes Papon’s individual agency empowered by de Gaulle rather than systemic inevitability; many police refused participation lareviewofbooks​U.S. Philippines to Domestic Militarized PolicingSupporting Sources:* The Diplomat. “How America’s Wars in Asia Militarized the Police at Home” (June 2020): Documents Philippine Constabulary (1901) as hybrid military-police; veterans imported counterinsurgency techniques to U.S. law enforcement thediplomat​* Brown University Costs of War. “How the United States’ Post-9/11 Wars Helped Militarize U.S. Police” (September 2020): Traces “colonial and anti-Black roots” through Philippines to 1033 program watson.brown​Counter/Nuance Source:* Jacobin. “Policing Empire” (September 2014): Argues policing-empire link involves domestic political contestation each era, not automatic transfer jacobin​Ottoman Empire: Genocides & StarvationSupporting Sources:* USHMM Holocaust Encyclopedia. “The Armenian Genocide (1915-16): In Depth” (August 2023): Documents centralized CUP deportation orders as “death warrant”; forced marches caused starvation, dehydration, exposure deaths encyclopedia.ushmm​* Genocide Education Project. “Brief History” (February 2016): Estimates 1.5M Armenians killed, 2M+ Christians total including Greeks and Assyrians genocideeducation​Counter/Nuance Source:* University of South Florida Genocide Studies. “The Ottoman Genocide of the Assyrians”: Notes genocides were “culmination of series of policies”; emphasizes WWI context and CUP nationalist ideology as distinct causal streams digitalcommons.usf​Black Radical Thought & Internal ColonialismSupporting Sources:* Gilderle hrman Institute. “Both Black and Disabled: Intersectional Experiences” (June 2022): Traces eugenic scientific racism; notes Black disabled Americans as “internal colonies” subject to extraction and surveillance gilderlehrman​* NIH/PMC. “Past Is Prologue: Dismantling Colonial Legacies to Advance Black Health” (December 2023): Argues chattel slavery was “expansive colonial project”; mass incarceration ongoing colonial project pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih​Counter/Nuance Source:* University of Miami. “The Forgotten Activists: Black People in the Disability Rights Movement” (January 2022): Notes disability movement historically “comprised of White people”; cautions against conflating marginalization without attending to specific mechanisms repository.law.miami​Food Insecurity & Violence (Structural Violence Frame)Supporting Sources:* NIH/PMC. “Association of Food Insecurity With Multiple Forms of Interpersonal Violence” (April 2023): 19 of 20 studies show food insecurity associated with increased violence; General Strain Theory supports food insecurity as stressor pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih​* Human Organization. “University Student Food Insecurity as a Form of Structural Violence” (May 2023): Uses structural violence framework for institutional food insecurity harm meridian.allenpress​Counter/Nuance Source:* CSIS. “Dangerously Hungry: The Link between Food Insecurity and Conflict” (April 2023): Notes agricultural abundance can also drive conflict; food-conflict link is “complex” https://open.substack.com/live-stream/74795?utm_source=live-stream-scheduled-upsellcsis​ This is a public episode. 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My autism? Failing upward toward collapse, succeeding downward toward joy? What if you weren't born to produce anything? 👉 New Chapbook: "every clock is a handgun pointed at my head" → https://www.amazon.com/every-clock-handgun-pointed-head-ebook/dp/B0FNLHC6SY 👉 Start Here: Live Autistic Truth playlist → https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kgBbPyJUGJw&list=PL_812RrZO_QWB-WHVZRBe-hjr37UNPxdb 👉 Full text & weekly authentic autistic content → ://johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com What if your life's value isn't measured by output, productivity, or what you create for others? This piece explores the quantum reality of autistic life—simultaneously failing and succeeding, finding purpose in purposelessness, and why a shooting star slashing through darkness doesn't need to justify its existence. For late-diagnosed autistic adults tired of productivity culture, their families learning to understand, and anyone questioning whether their worth depends on what they produce. Recorded live from my subStack studio—raw, unfiltered philosophical spoken word about autism, authenticity, and finding joy in simply experiencing this moment. Subscribe for weekly autistic perspectives that challenge productivity culture and celebrate authentic existence. Share with someone drowning in "should be doing more." Next: More poetry from the chapbook collection exploring autistic time, family trauma, and moments of unexpected joy. Autistic elder. Poet. Born to observe, experience, and overshare. #ActuallyAutistic #AutisticPhilosophy #ProductivityCulture #AutisticAdult #LateAutistic #Neurodivergent #SpokenWord #AuthenticVoices #AutismAcceptance #AntiProductivity #AutisticJoy #MentalHealthPoetry #AutisticLife #Burnout #LifePurpose #AutisticExpression This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe

RFK Jr.’s autism claims aren’t about helping anyone—they’re about deciding who gets to exist in America.👉 New Chapbook: “every clock is a handgun pointed at my head” - https://www.amazon.com/every-clock-handgun-pointed-head-ebook/dp/B0FNLHC6SY👉 Start Here: Live Autistic Truth playlist 👉 Full Text & Sources: https://johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.comChapters: 0:00 Cold Open + Promise 0:45 RFKjr’s Agenda vs the Facts1:52 Name the Agenda: Eugenics2:31 Mask of Compassion for Parents... A False Flag4:08 A Kind Word for Tylenol4:53 Foreword to Our Future: Born to Raise Hell5:32 Build a Better World for Our Kids7:45 Here’s My Freaking Topic Sentence… and I DO Have One8:41 What’s Next?Coming Next: How resistance actually works—building power from your hometown up.This piece combines political commentary with personal autistic experience. Recorded live November 2024 as part of my ongoing “Trigger Warnings” series analyzing current events through a neurodivergent lens.Subscribe for regular Trigger Warnings content and authentic autistic perspectives. Share with someone who needs to hear this.👉 subStack: @johnnyprofane1 for deep dives and subscriber-only livestreams.Content Note: Political commentary, personal autistic experience... and the occasional wise crack.#ActuallyAutistic #AutismAcceptance #Neurodiversity #PoliticalCommentary #TriggerWarnings #AutisticVoices #RFKJr #Resistance#AutisticAF Out Loud Newsletter is a reader-supported publication. Click to receive new posts… free. To support my work, please consider a paid subscriber.Sources & Further Reading: Not comprehensive or complete, just my starting points.1. RFK Jr.’s Tylenol-Autism Claims Lack Scientific SupportSupporting Sources (Claims are not substantiated):* Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health (2025): “The research so far—including one of the largest studies yet on the topic—suggests that Tylenol use during pregnancy does not cause autism.”https://publichealth.jhu.edu/2025/the-evidence-on-tylenol-and-autism* JAMA Study (2024): The largest sibling-controlled study to date found that while population-based models showed small associations between prenatal acetaminophen use and autism (HR 1.05), when controlling for familial factors using sibling comparisons, acetaminophen showed no association with autism risk (HR 0.98). This suggests confounding factors, not causation.https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jama/fullarticle/2817406* Autism Science Foundation (2025): “Any association between acetaminophen and autism is based on limited, conflicting, and inconsistent science and is premature given the current science. Autism doesn’t have a single cause. It is the result of a complex mix of genetics and environment.”https://autismsciencefoundation.org/press_releases/statement-from-autism-science-foundation-regarding-wall-street-journal-report-rfk-jr-hhs-to-link-autism-to-tylenol-use-in-pregnancy-and-folate-deficiencies/* PBS/PolitiFact Fact-Check (2025): Medical experts state Kennedy’s portrayal of autism and causation claims are skewed. “A 2023 study written by CDC officials and university researchers found that one-quarter of people on the autism spectrum have severe limitations. But this is on the high end of studies.”https://www.pbs.org/newshour/politics/fact-checking-robert-f-kennedy-jr-s-statements-on-autismBalancing Source (Some association found, but not definitive):* Mount Sinai Study (2025): Applied rigorous Navigation Guide methodology to 46 studies with 100,000+ participants and found evidence suggesting prenatal acetaminophen exposure “may be linked to increased risk of neurodevelopmental disorders, including autism spectrum disorder and ADHD.” However, the study emphasizes this “underscores the need for both caution and further study” - not definitive causation.https://www.mountsinai.org/about/newsroom/2025/mount-sinai-study-supports-evidence-that-prenatal-acetaminophen-use-may-be-linked-to-increased-risk-of-autism-and-adhd2. Acetaminophen’s Neurological Effects on Pain ProcessingSupporting Sources (Acetaminophen affects emotional/social pain):* University of California Study (2010): Published in Psychological Science, found acetaminophen reduced both behavioral and neural responses to social rejection, demonstrating “substantial overlap between social and physical pain” in brain regions like the dorsal anterior cingulate cortex and anterior insula.https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/20548058/* UCLA Study (2015): Found acetaminophen “seems to diminish our emotional highs and lows” and reduces empathy for both positive and negative experiences, suggesting it affects emotional processing through brain regions involved in emotional awareness.https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6455058/https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2017/12/04/567762087/tylenol-may-help-ease-the-pain-of-hurt-feelings* NIH/PMC Review (2021): Comprehensive systematic review found “acetaminophen has been shown to reduce affective responses to both negative and positive emotional images and reduced the neural responses associated with experiences of acute pain,” confirming effects on overlapping neural circuits for physical, emotional, and social pain.https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8594782/Balancing Source (Mechanism still not fully understood):* Tufts School of Medicine (2022): While acknowledging acetaminophen’s effectiveness, notes “how it works remains a mystery” even after 150 years of study. The mechanism by which it affects pain - whether through COX enzymes in the brain or other pathways - is “still speculative.”https://medicine.tufts.edu/news-events/news/how-does-acetaminophen-work3. Eugenics, Ableism, and the Trump Administration’s Approach to DisabilitySupporting Sources (Eugenics rhetoric and policies toward disabled people):* Scientific American (2025): “By going after Social Security, the Department of Veterans Affairs and the Department of Education, Donald Trump is signaling his belief that having ‘good genes’ means not having a disability... this is nothing other than ableism, eugenics doctrine at work in the highest level of government.”https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/slashing-programs-that-help-people-with-disabilities-is-a-nod-to-eugenics/* The Conversation (2025): “Part of a eugenic logic is the ongoing belief that erasing disability and people with disabilities is a desirable and commonsense objective... RFK Jr.’s eugenic rhetoric resonates strongly in contemporary discourse. It aligns politically with neoliberalism, fostering a version of ableism that views citizens as ‘able-bodied entrepreneurial entities.’”https://theconversation.com/uninformed-comments-on-autism-are-resonant-of-dangerous-ideas-about-eugenics-256762* STAT News (2025): “The Trump administration’s approach to autism is tangled up with ableism, eugenics, and pronatalism... Using this framing dehumanizes autistic people in ways that echo the eugenic policies of the early 20th century.”https://www.statnews.com/2025/10/03/autism-tylenol-rfk-jr-trump-ableism-eugenics-pronatalism/* Autistic Self Advocacy Network (2025): “Secretary Kennedy sees us as experimental subjects whose health and safety from abusive medical treatment is secondary to vindicating his own views on vaccines and autism. He is determined to try to find a ‘cure’ for autism despite the discredited methods he mentions being repeatedly disproven.”https://autisticadvocacy.org/2025/05/crisis-of-confidence-robert-f-kennedy-jr-continues-to-use-his-position-at-hhs-to-promote-lies-about-autism-public-health/Balancing Source (Autism research organizations distance themselves from eugenics):* Autism Speaks (2024): Explicitly states “We do not support eugenics. The focus of our genetics research is to help more autistic people access personalized care that will empower them to lead their best lives... There is no cure for autism, and we do not support research searching for a cure.” (Note: Autism Speaks has historically been criticized by autistic self-advocates but has shifted its public stance)https://www.autismspeaks.org/research-and-eugenics4. Autism Has Complex Genetic and Environmental Causes (Not Vaccines)Supporting Sources (Vaccines do not cause autism; autism is multifactorial):* Meta-Analysis (2014): Published analysis of 5 cohort studies (1,256,407 children) and 5 case-control studies (9,920 children) found “no relationship between vaccination and autism” or with MMR, thimerosal, or mercury. “Findings of this meta-analysis suggest that vaccinations are not associated with the development of autism or autism spectrum disorder.”https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/24814559/* Stanford Medicine (2011): Twin study found genes account for 38% of autism risk, with environmental factors explaining 62% - nearly opposite of previous estimates. Importantly, “extensive research did not support” theories linking childhood vaccines to autism.https://med.stanford.edu/news/all-news/2011/07/non-genetic-factors-play-surprisingly-large-role-in-determining-autism-says-study-by-group.html* Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia (2025): “Over time, scientists have found some of the causes, including genetic links, certain viral infections, and parental age... Study after study have shown” vaccine hypotheses to be “unsupported by the science.”https://www.chop.edu/vaccine-education-center/vaccine-safety/vaccines-and-other-conditions/autism* CDC (2024): “Studies have shown that there is no link between receiving vaccines and developing autism spectrum disorder (ASD). No links have been found between any vaccine ingredients and ASD.”https://www.cdc.gov/vaccine-safety/about/autism.htmlBalancing Source (Environmental factors do play a role, though not vaccines):* Johns Hopkins/SPARK (2025): “Most scientists agree that both our genes and the environment contribute to autism.” Environmental factors with research support include: prenatal exposure to air pollution and pesticides, maternal illness during pregnancy, birth complications, and older parental age - not vaccines.https://sparkforautism.org/discover_article/environment-autism/5. Neurodiversity Framework: Autism as Difference, Not DiseaseSupporting Sources (Autism as natural neurological variation):* Autistic Self Advocacy Network: “We believe that brain-based disabilities like autism, intellectual disability, and dyslexia are a normal part of the differences between people. Autism should be accepted and supported, not taken away from us.”https://publications.ici.umn.edu/impact/33-1/the-autistic-self-advocacy-network-normalizing-neurodiversity* Frontiers in Psychology (2021): “Fundamentally, neurodiversity emphasizes the collective strength inherent in cognitive diversity... neurodiversity activism, which includes some non-speaking activists, specifically includes and advocates for those who are unable to do so themselves.”https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8075160/https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/psychology/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.635690/full* Harvard Health (2021): “Neurodiversity describes the idea that people experience and interact with the world around them in many different ways; there is no one ‘right’ way of thinking, learning, and behaving, and differences are not viewed as deficits.”https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/what-is-neurodiversity-202111232645Balancing Source (Medical model perspective on intervention needs):* Pediatrics/American Academy of Pediatrics (2017): While acknowledging the historical context of eugenics, medical literature continues to frame autism within clinical diagnostic frameworks requiring intervention. However, contemporary medical approaches increasingly incorporate neurodiversity perspectives in practice.https://publications.aap.org/pediatrics/article/140/2/e20171419/38692/Eugenics-and-the-Origins-of-Autism6. Rise in Autism Diagnoses Due to Better Awareness, Not EpidemicSupporting Sources (Diagnostic improvement, not true epidemic):* CDC Report/Autism Society Response (2025): “The rise in prevalence—from 1 in 36 in 2020 to 1 in 31 in 2022—may reflect several factors including greater awareness, improved screening and diagnostics... This rise in prevalence does not signal an ‘epidemic’ as narratives are claiming — it reflects diagnostic progress.”https://autismsociety.org/autism-society-of-america-responds-to-new-cdc-report-on-updated-autism-prevalence-rates/* BBC Future (2025): “Autism is better known and diagnosed than ever before, leading to misconceptions that cases are skyrocketing... ‘Autistic individuals have always existed,’ Rosa states. ‘However, we have never truly grasped how many there are.’”https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20250509-why-autism-diagnoses-are-on-the-rise* Johns Hopkins (2025): Explains the increase is due to: DSM-5 consolidating multiple diagnoses into ASD in 2013, growing public awareness, improved screening protocols, reduced stigma, and better recognition in previously underserved communities.https://publichealth.jhu.edu/2025/is-there-an-autism-epidemicBalancing Source (Some scientists call for investigating environmental triggers):* CNN/Dr. Zahorodny (2025): Co-author of CDC report stated at RFK Jr.’s news conference: “I would urge everyone to consider the likelihood that autism... is a real thing that we don’t understand, and it must be triggered or caused by environmental or risk factors.” However, most autism researchers dispute this characterization.https://www.cnn.com/2025/04/16/health/rfk-autism-epidemic This is a public episode. 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👉 Check out Trigger Warnings playlist More analysis on how world events impact neurodivergent lives and practical resistance strategies. I just saw Trump disbands Congress. For all intents and purposes, the US government isn’t just shut down—Trump has effectively rendered Congress useless and substituted his own personal will for governance. 00:00 Cold Open + Promise 00:25 “Disbands Congress” Now 01:43 Soft Authoritarian Playbook 02:12 Congress Halted; Senate Stalled 03:28 De Facto Control Landscape 04:36 One Tiny Move to Martial Law 05:09 Wrong Time to Be Different? 05:49 Resistance Starts at Home 06:39 What’s Next? This is not a good time to be different. To have the wrong politics, wrong religion, wrong color. Closer to home, the wrong neurotype. But neurodivergent people have always known how to find patterns in chaos and recognize the moment when to act. We find our moment. 👉 Subscribe for upcoming episode: Local resistance playbook specifically for autistic and neurodivergent communities. Get updates on new episodes. 👉 Watch “every clock as a handgun pointed at my head” next. More on autistic experience of time and survival. 👉 Join the conversation: * - Drop your thoughts in the comments * - What patterns are you seeing in your community? * - How are you finding your ground in this moment? Soft power is still power. Our response starts locally. 👉 Weekly deep dives on Substack👉 My poetry book “every clock is a handgun pointed at my head” explores autistic experience without inspiration porn: --- #neurodivergent #politics #resistance #autism #congress #authoritarianism #patterns #community 👉 Sources. Not comprehensive or complete. But some of what I found. House procedure and swearing‑in dispute * CNN — Speaker Johnson said he’d swear in new House Democrat ‘as soon as she wants.’ Now Republicans are backtracking (2025-10-07): https://www.cnn.com/2025/10/07/politics/johnson-adelita-grijalva-swearing-in * The Hill — Johnson: Not swearing in Democrat has ‘nothing to do’ with Epstein files (2025-10-07): https://www.thehill.com/homenews/house/5543576-johnson-grijalva-seating-delay/ House no‑show/shutdown strategy and operational sidelining * Associated Press — Speaker Johnson keeps the House away as he fights to end the government shutdown (2025-10-10): https://apnews.com/article/house-speaker-johnson-government-shutdown-grijalva-526647b57faa2710382674646dfd2b37 * Politico — Mike Johnson sticks to no‑show shutdown strategy as resistance mounts (2025-10-09): https://www.politico.com/news/2025/10/09/mike-johnson-shutdown-no-show-00601215 Broader executive power and democratic backsliding context * Brookings — Tracking regulatory changes in the second Trump administration (2025-09-29): https://www.brookings.edu/articles/tracking-regulatory-changes-in-the-second-trump-administration/ * NPR — U.S. is sliding toward authoritarianism, hundreds of scholars say (2025-04-21): https://www.npr.org/2025/04/22/nx-s1-5340753/trump-democracy-authoritarianism-competive-survey-political-scientist Reference for formal congressional status * Federal Register — 2025 Donald J. Trump Executive Orders (index): https://www.federalregister.gov/presidential-documents/executive-orders/donald-trump/2025 * Wikipedia — 119th United States Congress: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/119th_United_States_Congress#AutisticAF Out Loud Newsletter is a reader-supported publication. Click to receive new posts… free. To support my work, consider becoming a paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe

Thank you to everyone who tuned into my live video! Join me for my next live video in the app.Trigger Warnings: Trump Disbands CongressSources:Democracy Now!democracynow.org/2025/10/8/adel…“Scary Precedent”: GOP Blocks Rep.-Elect Adelita Grijalva from Taking Seat Amid Epstein Files FightRepresentative-elect Adelita Grijalva, who won a special election for a House seat in Arizona two weeks ago, has still not been sworn in to Congress. Republican Speaker of the House Mike Johnson is blaming the government shutdown for the delay, even though he previously expedited the swearing-in of multiple Republicans who won their special elections before election results were even in. It’s more likely, say supporters, that Grijalva is being held up to prevent what she has pledged will be her first act in Congress: adding her name to and thus triggering a vote on California Congressmember Ro Khanna’s bill for the public release of files related to the federal investigation of sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein. “She needs to get sworn in today,” says Khanna, adding that every day Grijalva is not seated in the House “is breaking precedent and depriving people of who they voted for.” Grijalva says, “This is an incredibly scary precedent to set. If you don’t agree with the politics of the speaker, then they can keep you out of your duly elected office.” Khanna and Grijalva also discuss the legacy of Grijalva’s late father, the longtime Arizona Congressmember Raúl Grijalva; the Trump administration’s crackdown on immigration; right-wing attacks on freedom of the press; and more.AP Newsapnews.com/article/house-…Speaker Johnson keeps the House away as he fights to end the government shutdownHouse members’ absence during the government shutdown is creating a political dilemma for Republican Speaker Mike Johnson and is testing his leadership.Chicago Tribunechicagotribune.com/2025/10/10/mik…Speaker Mike Johnson keeps the House away as he fights to end ...Mike Johnson is the speaker of a House that is no longer in session.POLITICOpolitico.com/news/2025/10/0…Mike Johnson sticks to no-show shutdown strategy as ... - Politico“There is absolutely no reason for the House to be out of session,” GOP Rep. Kevin Kiley said. “It’s embarrassing.’Democratic Erosion Consortiumdemocratic-erosion.org/2025/04/18/how…How to Erode a Democracy: Hungary’s Illiberal Turn Under OrbánThis blog post examines how Viktor Orbán has used media control, legal manipulation, and populist nationalism to methodically destroy Hungary’s democratic institutions and turn the nation into the first “illiberal democracy” in the EU.NPRnpr.org/2025/04/20/nx-…Hungary’s Orban demonstrates how to dismantle democracy - NPRThe dismantling of Hungary’s democracy is a point of fascination for political scientists around the world — including those advising the Trump administration.cnncnn.com/2020/03/30/eur…Hungarian parliament votes to let Viktor Orban rule by decree ... - CNNHungary’s parliament has voted to allow Prime Minister Viktor Orban to rule by decree indefinitely, in order to combat the coronavirus pandemic, giving the populist leader extra powers to unilaterally…CNNcnn.com/2025/10/08/pol…Tempers flare between Democratic senators and Speaker Johnson over Grijalva’s swearing in and shutdown strategyArizona’s Democratic senators got into a hallway confrontation with Republican House Speaker Mike Johnson on Wednesday as the government shutdown’s eighth day dragged on.RFKjr & Autism: I Wrote a Foreword Just for YouSourcesCounter/neutral positions from regulators and clinical bodies* European Medicines Agency (EMA), PRAC communications on paracetamol in pregnancy: EMA has stated available evidence does not establish a causal link; use remains appropriate when clinically indicated at the lowest effective dose. Overview page: https://www.ema.europa.eu/en/medicines/human/referrals/paracetamol* (If needed: EMA general paracetamol product information hub where PRAC updates are posted.)* American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG). ACOG Guidance: Acetaminophen use during pregnancy. ACOG states evidence of neurodevelopmental harms is inconsistent and methodologically limited; acetaminophen remains appropriate when indicated. Practice Advisory/FAQ landing: https://www.acog.org/womens-health/faqs/medication-safety-during-pregnancySystematic reviews/meta-analyses with nuanced conclusions* Alemany S et al. Prenatal and postnatal exposure to acetaminophen and ADHD and autism spectrum symptoms in childhood: meta-analysis/pooled observational evidence. European Journal of Epidemiology (2021). Publisher page (Springer): https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10654-021-00757-3U.S. federal perspective* U.S. FDA Drug Safety (Acetaminophen use in pregnancy). FDA has not concluded causality with autism; advises using the lowest effective dose for the shortest duration. Consumer/Drug Safety hub: https://www.fda.gov/consumers/consumer-updates/acetaminophen-overdose-and-liver-injury-know-ingredients-your-medicine* For pregnancy-specific FDA language, see: https://www.fda.gov/drugs/postmarket-drug-safety-information-patients-and-providers/medication-use-during-pregnancy-and-lactationSupportive association signals (observational; not proof of causality, few supportive links exist)* Ji Y et al. Association of Cord Plasma Biomarkers of In Utero Acetaminophen Exposure With Risk of Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder and Autism Spectrum Disorder. JAMA Psychiatry (2019). Link: https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapsychiatry/fullarticle/2753510Evidence on emotional and social pain blunting* Social pain/evaluative processing: Experimental psychology studies have reported that standard doses of acetaminophen can reduce the distress of social rejection and blunt affective evaluations, suggesting overlap between physical and social pain processing in the brain. These findings support the idea that acetaminophen influences affective components of pain perception, though effect sizes are modest and not uniformly replicated across all paradigms. pbs​* Risk of overgeneralization: While these lab findings are provocative, they do not establish acetaminophen as a mood treatment. Regulatory and clinical bodies do not recommend acetaminophen for depression, and evidence for sustained antidepressant benefit is lacking. pbs This is a public episode. 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👉A live reading from the Amazon book, “every clock is a handgun pointed at my head.”What You’re About To WatchA quick, sharp destruction of the “autism as superpower” narrative that’s everywhere in neurodivergent spaces. No superpowers. No kryptonite. Just the messy, explosive, delightful reality of being autistic without the costume drama.These 60, live seconds cut through the inspiration porn... and all that other ‘you’re so brave’ bullshit. Saying exactly what needs said:We’re the heroes and villains of our own lives without needing to fly. Or… entertain you.Plain-spoken truth from someone who’s lived autistic 72 years. Just long enough to have no patience for platitudes.💬 Let’s Talk About It* Tired of the same superpower false role model that I am? Comments are where we build real community.* Tell me: What autism myth are you done performing? What would you rather people understand instead?* Comments are the biggest way you help neurodivergent voices beat the algorithm and find each other.📌 Pinned comment prompt: “Which autism myth are you most done performing?”This Is For You If:* You’re autistic and exhausted trying to live up to “superpower” framing* You’re sick of inspiration porn that makes your neurodivergence easier to take… for others* You want honest talk about autism that doesn’t infantilize or glorify* You’re done with ableist narratives dressed up as positivity* You’re looking for autistic elders speaking unmasked truth* You work with autistic people and want to understand what we actually experience* You’re navigating late diagnosis and sorting through what’s real vs. what’s marketing* You love sharp, literary spoken word that doesn’t waste your time🔗 Subscribe & ConnectSubscribe to this channel for more unmasking without apology—spoken word, essays, and real talk about the neurodivergent experience.Free resources:👉 Subscribe to my Substack (free or paid) and get a PDF of the entire “every clock is a handgun pointed at my head” collectionSupport this work:👉 Available as Amazon ebook or softcoverExclusive hardcover edition and Audible book coming soon.What This ExploresWhy ‘superpower’ language makes us invisible. Turning us into symbols... stealing our personhood. Just leaving two choices: inspiration or tragedy. For others.Reclaiming ordinariness as radical act—we don’t need to be exceptional to deserve basic respect and understandingThe delight in being ourselves without performing neurotypical expectations or living up to superhero mythologyAgency over our own narratives where we get to be messy, complicated humans rather than simplified symbols#ActuallyAutistic #AutisticAdult #Neurodivergent #AutismAwareness #AutismAcceptance #DisabilityJustice #Unmasking #AutisticVoices #InspirationPorn #AutisticCommunity #NeurodivergentLife #AutismMyths #SpokenWord #AutisticElders #ActuallyAutisticAdults📖 FULL TRANSCRIPT[Transcript appears here on Substack. For YouTube, replace this section with:]Read the complete transcript on Substack: [link to post]After the SecretThe whole fucking superpower thing. So, let’s start with a quick blow up of the whole fucking superpower thing.I call this “After the Secret.”I have strengths.Not one is my superpower.I have challenges.Not one is my kryptonite.I’m that kid in third gradeDrop drop droppingA mysterious blue crystalInto that test tube—Squealing in delightEvery time it explodes…In purple streams.I love cosplay.But I don’t have to flyWear a maskOr sport a capeTo be autistic.Still…I get to be the heroor bald evil geniusof my own life.OutroThis free podcast is supported by listeners like you. Please like and share. It’s the biggest thing you can do to help all neurodivergent voices beat the algorithm. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe

Video SummaryA cinematic spoken word piece that cuts through decades of family silence with surgical precision.Set against the Heaven's Gate cult tragedy and Hale-Bopp comet of 1997-98, this hybrid performance follows three wintry family gatherings where religious expectations collide with neurodivergent reality.Watch what happens when an autistic adult finally stops performing "normal" at the dinner table - and pays the price.This isn't therapy. Not self-help. No “cautionary tale.” It's a multi-layered examination of what we neurodivergents sacrifice. Trying to “belong” in families that were never built for hearts like ours.Unflinching. Complex. Necessary.Content Note: Strong language, family trauma, religious themes, substance use, mental health struggles, cult referencesKey Themes Explored:* Power dynamics at family tables where neurodivergent minds are judged as broken* Spiritual coercion and religious weaponizing against those who think differently* The breaking point when pretending to be neurotypical becomes impossible* Self-medication as shield against overwhelming social demands* Searching for meaning in systems designed to erase your kind of mind* Memory as witness to the violence of forced conformityWho This Resonates With:* Autistic adults who recognize the battlefield of family holidays* Anyone who's been the truth-teller in a family that prefers lies* People untangling religious conditioning from neurodivergent shame* Those hungry for real conversation about mental health… that skips the tacked-on happy endings* Readers drawn to generational trauma explored through disability lens* Anyone who knows that sometimes survival looks like betrayal* Anyone working with neurodivergent minds. Who wants to really understand what we're carryingDiscussion Starters:* How do family gatherings change when you stop performing neurotypical?* What price have you paid for speaking uncomfortable truths?* Do you recognize the intersection of religious pressure and neurodivergent shame?* How do you survive spaces where your honesty threatens everyone's comfort?Connect:* Drop your own family table survival tactics below* Subscribe for more unmasking without apologyFree Resources & Purchase Links👉 Subscribe... free or paid... to Substack, get a free PDF of the entire "every clock is a handgun pointed at my head" collection.👉Support my work→ Available as Amazon ebook or softcover. Exclusive hardcover edition and Audible book coming soon.TranscriptIntroBut I ain't going to lie, this next one's rough and long and complex. Plain spoken in its own way, but complex.It may not need a TS Elliott-pretentious kind of footnote, but I try to intertwine family, control, and religion and very real events from my winter of '97-'98.And just for you youngsters... if there are some... I'll remind you that was when the Hale-Bopp comet was fading in northern New York skies and the memory of the Heaven's Gate suicide cult was still fresh in the national mind. This is a hybrid piece. In my mind, it's a movie with scenes, background music, jump cuts. But, uh, you guys probably loved Pulp Fiction. Given that, I pray you can follow me in this one. Sneaking my mother's creepy g-d on highPrelude, December 1997. ESTABLISHING SHOTI begin, “There…There's Heaven's Gate.”She fiddles with the binox dials.“Where should I look?”She asks breathless,Trudging bootless.I barely hear herOver the crackling snowBeneath my feet, but say,“There…That smudge in the sky.”I point again.UFO Cult Chooses Suicide,The TV said.Thirty-nine bodiesIn matching Nikes,The photo read.No Kool-Aid on crime scene,The coroner led off…I close wet eyesTo the hiss & sizzleOf the Northern LightsOver my head,SilenceThen the cold murmurof the cold mother...“That's why they died?”She shrugs.My eyes open… careful, I shrug,“Maybe… they saw a signal from aliens.Or maybe God on high.Who knows what grimdark signThey read that silent night…”Wordless, clueless… a comet sailedRibbons of green and purple light.One cold blue, one hot pink tailFading from history’s sight…So we stroll on intoFake New Year’s dinnerCuz not everyoneCould schedule inThe Real One.How rare it isA two-tailed comet in the sky,A lover doesn’t lie with her eyes,To greet one free man before you die,How rare it isHow rare it isDinner MusicPOINT-OF-VIEW SHOTmy mother in a halo of candlesmy mother wrapped in smokemy mother in dark shadowsmeasuring the length of my ropeShe gathers reports from her childrenThis year’s fugue & pedal point,Her table a feast of sand.Youngest Mark files his,A new open source project…“I’m really getting seen.”Lifting my glass to himFrom the dark walnut table,I sip vodka… Neat.Martha next, from her foreign outpostA well-received talk given…Vodka. Neat.Second-oldest Luke comments,Wearing a dead father’s mantle“So proud of this my familyProgress on nearly every front.John, you seem…Well, better… strangely.”Yeah. Vodka. Neat. And deep.Mary reports a year in faith.Jesus gave her home.Jesus gave her kids.Jesus gave her strength… alone.I close my eyes in frustrationSee only those twin tailsSailing in that dark…No wine, no waferJust vodka. Neat.The broken mother nods,Waves a weary hand at each.Then turns to me,Product of her first postpartum,Eldest stranger at her table.She faintly smiles…, “John?”This last-invited autistDrunk to a numb survivalStarts slow… and slurred,“Ya know…?Never… believed… in heroes.Those guys & their comet?They did.”I hear hands tense,Casual wear shift & rustle,Eyes crinkle & narrow…Familiar, family sounds.My runaway trainpicks up steamplunging on and intoa dark tangential tunnel“A part of me rejects a g-dborn perfect without sin,casually tossing miracleslike candy & coins… sublimefrom a gaudy Mardi Gras floatTo kids playing in the grime…”I gulp a breath.Silencea child, high on a stone altara hand… a knife in mid air…a sacrfice for appearanceslike thirty-nine bodiesin matching Nike pairs…How fair is itJesus and Jim JonesBoth got emails from Beyond,Love rusts tilIt’s just one more bond,Your soul’s released whenYour last day’s dawned,How fair is itHow fair is itInterlude, January 1998FLASH CUTCouple weeks laterIce Storm of ‘98.A friendly… family,Game of cards.Frozen in time, frozen in mindAunts, uncles and cousinsNo one’s got power, trapped…Cabin, cards, liquor… discussions.Killing time… 3 days…Instead of each other.Oh shit. Oh. Shit…There goes that bidI swore I could make.Under my breath… “Damn it to Hell.”Then head down, out loud,“Oh, Shit.”I’m staring at the hand they dealt.So many near-miss combosSo many runs that went nowhere…“My bad. I shoulda played that 9My mind’s off wandering againLet me grab that back. This time.”“No…You gotta drink …Ya gotta drink!This time…Every time!”Rinse repeatMistake over mistakeVodka neat, vodka neatVodka…I… wake to… laughter“Uncle Johnny, you’re the dudeFrom stuck up cuntTo puking your shoes.Man, can you let go… when you want.”And let go... I did.A distracted juggler drops his satin ball,A drunken knife thrower ties assassins & assistants to the wall,The smoking fortune teller wheezes, “Doom finds us all,”A Ring Master’s whip echoes through an emptying hall….Cadenza, for the End of TimeEXTREME WIDE PANNING SHOTMy catechism askedWhy did that g-d make me?And I askWhy did this unbonded mom have me?To both cluck in disappointment?Over commandmentsI was bornUnable to follow…?To follow a comet into…Desperation Dissolution Suicide And the Peace…Of no need for understanding?Ever again?There is no heroNo godNo bodhisattvaNo parent…That does not hideThe dazzling ConfusionIn a burning bushOr explains to meLike I’m a five-year oldWhy that twin-tailed cometStill sails across my mindHow rare it isTo find a godDoesn’t want moreThan he gave,A lover who can stay…Even while I rave,A man who can liveNot caring if he’s saved,How rare it is.How rare it is.OutroThis free podcast is supported by listeners like you. Please like and share. It's the biggest thing you can do to help all neurodivergent voices beat the algorithm.This free podcast is supported by listeners like you. Please like and share. It's the biggest thing you can do to help all neurodivergent voices beat the algorithm. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe

Content Note: Sexual abuse, family trauma, therapy processing, strong language, intense emotional contentVideo SummaryThis live piece cuts to the bone of what trauma recovery actually looks like. When your brain works differently. And your body never forgets.What happens when you finally see yourself clearly in a therapist's mirror?When rage becomes the only honest response to betrayal? When family protection fails and the body becomes your only witness?Studies report as many as 75% of all adult autistics have experienced trauma. And specifically sexual trauma? From 60 to 75% across a lifetime. No therapeutic jargon. No sanitized healing narratives. Just the raw truth that most trauma content won't touch. In plain, direct language that doesn't hide behind disease-based, diagnostic terms.Free Resources & Purchase Links👉 Subscribe free to AutisticAF Substack and get a free PDF of the entire "every clock is a handgun pointed at my head" collection.👉 Support this work → Available on Amazon as ebook or softcover. "every clock is a handgun pointed at my head" - Exclusive hardcover edition coming soon.Key Themes Explored:* Childhood sexual abuse and the body's persistent memory* Family dysfunction and protective failure* Therapy processing and breakthrough moments of clarity* Autistic self-recognition during trauma recovery* Rage as a healing response to violation and betrayal* The witness within - how the body always remembersWho This Speaks To:* Trauma survivors seeking authentic voices about recovery* Adult autistics processing childhood experiences* Family members trying to understand complex trauma dynamics* Therapists and counselors working with neurodivergent trauma survivors* Anyone who knows that healing isn't linear or prettyDiscussion Starters:* How does neurodivergence affect trauma processing and memory?* What does authentic trauma recovery look like beyond inspiration narratives?* How do family systems enable or prevent healing from abuse?* When does rage become a necessary part of recovery?Connect:Share your thoughts on trauma, healing, and truth-telling below. Hit subscribe for more unfiltered autistic perspectives.Full TranscriptA son no more. Yet the body abides.This one's a little rough for me. Maybe for you. Trauma. Well, it's it's a fucking bitch, too.The Body Abides"Like I told youNothing really happenedCan't sleep is all..."He repeats his view,"The body watches.The body ALWAYSFucking watches.""Yeah, he kissed meFathers do that.Yeah, it was weird but..."He whispers me,"Your body, your witness.And this witness ALWAYSFucking watches."Then he leans in…"What if he'd kissedyour sister's lips...?""I'd fucking kill him."That's when...i see mein his mirrorwatching myselfwatch my selftransparently autistica son no more,yet the body...abides.images, never sharedimages… never daredhard, wet, franticfumbling… bareragedark rageScreaming RAGEi'd fucking kill himfucking kill himkill himhim.i rise...soslowlyand fucking smash that mirrori rock, i sway…i rub one red eye.i stand, I stare…I sigh, I say,"My body watchesThe body ALWAYSFucking watches…"into a mirror staring nowhereAs I close his office door...I abide.#AutisticAF Out Loud Newsletter is a reader-supported publication. Click below to receive new posts and the free PDF of “every clock is a handgun pointed at my head.” To support my work, please consider choosing a paid subscription. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe

👉 Subscribe… free or paid… to Substack, get a free PDF of the entire "every clock is a handgun pointed at my head" collection.👉 Support my work → Available as Amazon ebook or softcover. Exclusive hardcover edition coming soon.Content Note: Strong language, neurodivergent struggles, communication barriersVideo SummaryA raw piece that captures what it feels like to be autistic and ADHD at 71—trying to communicate through the static and distortion of a damaged system.Plain, direct language. No hidden meanings to decode. Just the real experience of feeling like "a brilliant creative soul trapped in a damaged body and neurology."Using the metaphor of a short-circuiting transistor radio, this piece asks the question every neurodivergent person knows: "Do you understand at all what I mean?"Content Note: Strong language, neurodivergent struggles, communication barriersKey Themes Explored:* Communication barriers that autistic and ADHD people face daily* The transistor radio metaphor for neurodivergent expression through "static and distortion"* Feeling trapped between brilliant inner life and damaged external systems* Seeking understanding from other neurodivergent people* AuDHD experience (autism + ADHD) at 71 years old* The struggle to "just be heard" through intermittent short-circuitsWho This Speaks To:* Adults with autism, ADHD, or both (AuDHD)* Anyone who feels misunderstood or struggles to communicate their inner experience* People seeking authentic neurodivergent voices without academic filtering* Those who relate to feeling like their "wiring" interferes with expression* Readers interested in metaphor-based understanding of neurodivergent experienceDiscussion Starters:* Do you relate to the transistor radio metaphor for neurodivergent communication?* How does it feel when your internal experience doesn't match what others see?* What metaphors help you explain your neurodivergent experience to others?* Have you found your "tribe" of people who understand without explanation?Full TranscriptWell, I feel closer to the spoken word tradition than poetry. I I just ain't that fancy. This first one, I thought I'd start with uh a metaphor, something that autistics see right away, and I think it will help uh this autist.So, this is Dancing Close to the Edge of the Noise# asking AUDHDists.Bear with me a minute. I'm autistic plus ADHD.I feel like a a brilliant creative soul as if trapped in a damaged body and neurology.um trying to communicate with the world through an intermittently short-circuiting transistor radio playing through static and the distortion and sparking circuits to just be heard.Do you understand at all what I mean?# actually autistic# ADHD# really AUDHD.This free podcast is supported by listeners like you. Please like and share. It's the biggest thing you can do to help all neurodivergent voices beat the algorithm.Connect:* Share your own "transistor radio" moments below* Tag an AuDHDist who gets it* Hit the bell for new releases in this 5-week spoken word series#AutisticAF Out Loud Newsletter is a reader-supported publication. Click… free to receive new posts and "every clock" PDF. To support my work, consider choosing a paid subscription. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe

Free Resources & Purchase Links👉 Subscribe… free or paid… to Substack, geta free PDF of the entire "every clock is a handgun pointed at my head" collection.👉 Support my work → Available as Amazon ebook or softcover. Exclusive hardcover edition coming soon.Content Note: Strong language, mental health struggles, time anxietyVideo SummaryA live piece that cracks open what it really feels like to be autistic in this world.No sanitized inspiration porn. No academic bullshit. Just the real lived experience. In plain, simple language. With no hidden meanings to decode.About the time anxiety. The grief. The moments of transcendent peace we may find… alone… in the flow.Content Note: Strong language, mental health struggles, time anxietyKey Themes Explored:* Time anxiety and deadline pressure that many autistic adults face* Sensory overwhelm from constant notifications and time pressures* Nature as sanctuary and healing space for neurodivergent minds* Authentic autistic experience without sugar-coating or toxic positivity* Mental health struggles with honesty and vulnerabilityWho This Speaks To:* Adults discovering or living with autism* Anyone struggling with time anxiety and deadline pressure* People seeking authentic mental health poetry* Those who find peace in nature and solitude* Readers interested in neurodivergent perspectives on daily lifeDiscussion Starters:* How does time pressure affect your daily autistic experience?* What spaces or practices help you find relief from overwhelming expectations?* Do you relate to the contrast between societal time demands and natural rhythms?Full TranscriptSo now, uh, we maybe know each other a little better. Let's cut deeper.My time, it can't be measured. Not a dimension. It's a force.A violent force.every clock is a handgun pointed at my headIIIEvery clock is a handgun pointed at my headEvery tick, tick… fucking tickTolling Fear, Doom… dreadClick. Slide. Cock… click.Every night a mantra echoes through my headTV static… a crazy-making humSinging Dream, Drempt… dead…Not done. Not done. Not done… undone.10, 9, 8… Dread7, 6, 5… Fear4, 3, 2… BEEP.Shoot the moon… or the country next doorCountdown. Deadline. Bow down… dead.Bound behind doors, bound in my headPace, paces, pacing… pacedEvery BEEP.Of the phone.Stops…my heart....I crash out with a scream for escapeIIWoodsDeep woodsDeepest woodsMy ears flyfrom bird songto bird song.A raptor circles then spiralsCrossing lines now deadWind steals my breathTaking words never saidThis skin bag of atmosphereBreathes new airWhen the sun risesFirst it is coolThen it gets warmThe day passesClouds above my head.Shaped by windOutside my bodyThe same windInside my bodyThesameWindYet…I10, 9, 8… Dread7, 6, 5… Fear4, 3, 2… BEEP.Shoot the moon… or the country next doorCountdown. Deadline. Bow down… dead.Every clock is a handgun pointed at my headzeroConnect:* Share your time anxiety experiences below* Hit the bell for new releases#AutisticAF Out Loud Newsletter is a reader-supported publication. Click… free To receive new posts and “every clock” PDF. To support my work, consider becoming a paid subscription. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe

Someone wrote me: "These knocked me sideways... I spent so much time as an undiagnosed autistic girl, wondering if I was the alien dropped among the normies."This is "A Swirl of Flesh-Colored Fog." Living truth. Autistic style.👉 VIDEO: A Swirl of Flesh-Colored Fog - 6:01I can't see faces. When I try to remember someone - even my wife - I see what I call "a swirl of flesh-colored fog."This piece is about wanting to be friends. About struggling with that simple human desire… when your brain doesn't work the way the world expects.No clinical terms. No hidden meanings. Just what it's like to be me. And maybe, if you're autistic, a little about what it's like to be you.This is piece one of thirteen exploring autism, family, and finding authenticity. Not here to inspire you - here to give you an experience of a life.Watch if you want. Share if it moves you.Stay weird.—JohnnyP.S. If this resonates, my full chapbook "every clock is a handgun pointed at my head" is available on Amazon. More living truth, autistic style.#AutisticAF Out Loud Newsletter is a reader-supported publication. Click to receive new posts… free. To support my work, consider choosing a paid subscription. All subscribers automatically receive a free PDF of the Amazon book, “every clock is a handgun pointed at my head.” This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe

Thanks to everyone who tuned in! Free or paid subscribers? Join me for my next live video in the app. Gonna be a Trigger Warnings kinda take on old men with their fingers on THE Button. This week…Here’s my speaking script from this live performance. Close to a transcript, but I changed a few lines on the fly… some even on purpose.Today I’m talking family, friends, love… not known as autistic “superpowers.” So let’s start with a quick blow up of the whole fucking superpower thing.1. After the SecretI have strengths.Not one is my superpower.I have challenges.Not one is my kryptonite.I'm that kid in third gradeDropdropdroppingA mysterious blue crystalInto that test tube—Squealing in delightEvery time it explodes…In purple streams.I love cosplay.But I don’t have to flyWear a maskOr sport a capeTo be autistic.Still…I get to be the heroor bald evil geniusof my own life.2. ShamelessFamily is freaking complex. For me? More disappointment, failure to meet expectations. Not being the son… or brother… the family ordered.Live long enoughYa get a lot right,Get a lot wrong.Get to knowWell enoughYa can’t be a saintLurking in shadow…Living life perfectlyShameless.Shameless.Oh let me beShameless…No sun setsOn a painless life,So no moon shinesOn a stainless wife.Oh let me be… comeShameless.Scaling Mount MarcyThat night as Elvis died,Got branded a MountebankAs my sister grew colder.Stalking Death ValleySame sister… now dead… to meSame stars… chill my shouldersNow living life perfectlyShameless…Shameless.Oh let me beShameless…No peak capsAn aimless life,And no grave ever filledBy a blameless knife.Oh let me be… comeShameless…No mask hidesThe pain in life,So no words canExplain my fight.So, let me Be… comeShameless.I call this one it burns. I didn’t write it about autism. But families face terrible trials. This was my response to one.3. IT BURNSUp your noseOr in your armIt burnsFirst your charmThen your poseIt burnsNo one learnsThe next child will yearnTil It burnsStill burnsOh it burnsIt burns you upIn the mirrorThat dark strangerStares back at youWild-eyed dangerBut you don't fear herIt's youRight on cueShe's seen things you'd never doBut it's youCuz Baby, it's youIt's you nowWhat won't you doBridges burntTowns ashes.Poppa burntMom ashes.BeautyAshes.DutyAshes.HomeAshes.DreamsSmoke…Lovers turn to johnsBurnt.BabiesBurnt.WombBurnt.BrainBurnt.EyesBurnt out…Up your noseOr in your armIt burntFirst your charmThen your poseIt burntNo one learnedYour next child yearnedTil It burntStill burntOh it burntIt burnt you upAte you upNo one homeJust burnt bones....Okay. Hello… family? Friends? I wasn’t born to produce. I was born to observe, experience… then overshare.4. A Shooting Star Has No Purposemy autistic life...failing upwardtoward collapse...?succeeding downwardtoward joy...?it's a quantum thing.the answer is simply...yes.I was not put on this planetto produce.I was born to experience.Observe...and over share.our lives' value isnot measuredby clicks.or data mined by AI.a shooting starslashing through darknesshas no purpose.unlessit ignitesa human instant.illuminates, ya know…that ness…this breathand this moment…all we possess.All.I ain’t gonna lie. This one’s rough. And long. And complex. It may not need a T.S. Eliot pretentious footnote. But I try to intertwine family, control, and religion. And real events from the winter of 97-98. When the Hale-Bopp comet was fading in the Northern New York skies. And the memory of the Heaven’s Gate suicide cult was still fresh in the national mind.This is a hybrid piece. In my mind it’s a movie. With scenes, background music. Jump cuts. But you guys probably loved Pulp Fiction. So I pray you can follow me.5. sneaking your mother’s creepy g-d on highPrelude, December 1997I begin, “There…There's Heaven's Gate.”She fiddles with the binox dials.“Where should I look?”She asks breathless,Trudging bootless.I barely hear herOver the crackling snowBeneath my feet, but say,“There…That smudge in the sky.”I point again.UFO CultChooses Suicide,The TV said.Thirty-nine bodiesIn matching Nikes,The photo read…I close wet eyesTo the hiss & sizzleOf the Northern LightsOver my head,SilenceThen the cold murmurof the cold mother...“That's why they died?”She shrugs.My eyes open… careful, I shrug,“Maybe… they saw a signal from aliens.Or maybe God on high.Who knows what grimdark signThey read that silent night…”Wordless, clueless… a comet sailedRibbons of green and purple light.One cold blue, one hot pink tailFading from history’s sight…So we stroll on intoFake New Year’s dinnerCuz not everyoneCould schedule inThe Real One.How rare it isA two-tailed comet in the sky,A lover doesn’t lie with her eyes,To greet one free man before you die,How rare it isHow rare it isDinner Musicmy mother in a halo of candlesmy mother wrapped in smokemy mother in dark shadowsmeasuring the length of my ropeShe gathers reports from her childrenThis year’s fugue & pedal point,Her table a feast of sand.Youngest Mark files his,A new open source project…“I’m really getting seen.”Lifting my glass to himFrom the dark walnut table,I sip vodka… Neat.Martha next, from her foreign outpostA well-received talk given…Vodka. Neat.Second-oldest Luke comments,Wearing a dead father’s mantle“So proud of this my familyProgress on nearly every front.John, you seem…Well, better… strangely.”Yeah. Vodka. Neat. And deep.Mary reports a year in faith.Jesus gave her home.Jesus gave her kids.Jesus gave her strength… alone.I close my eyes in frustrationSee only those twin tailsSailing in that dark…No wine, no waferJust vodka. Neat.The broken mother nods,Waves a weary hand at each.Then turns to me,Product of her first postpartum,Eldest stranger at her table.She faintly smiles…, “John?”This last-invited autistDrunk to a numb survivalStarts slow… and slurred,“Ya know…?Never… believed… in heroes.Those guys & their comet?They did.”I hear hands tense,Casual wear shift & rustle,Eyes crinkle & narrow…Familiar, family sounds.My runaway trainpicks up steamplunging on and intoa dark tangential tunnel“A part of me rejects a g-dborn perfect without sin,casually tossing miracleslike candy & coins… sublimefrom a gaudy Mardi Gras floatTo kids playing in the grime…”I gulp a breath.Silencea child, high on a stone altara hand… a knife in mid air…a sacrfice for appearanceslike thirty-nine bodiesin matching Nike pairs…How fair is itJesus and Jim JonesBoth got emails from Beyond,Love rusts tilIt’s just one more bond,Your soul’s released whenYour last day’s dawned,How fair is itHow fair is itInterlude, January 1998Flash CutCouple weeks laterIce Storm of ‘98.A friendly… familyGame of cards.Frozen in time, frozen in mindAunts, uncles and cousinsNo one’s got power, trapped…Cabin, cards, liquor… discussions.Killing time… 3 days…Instead of each other.Oh shit. Oh. Shit…There goes that bidI swore I could make.Under my breath… “Damn it to Hell.”Then head down, out loud,“Oh, Shit.”I’m staring at the hand they dealt.So many near-miss combosSo many runs that went nowhere…“My bad. I shoulda played that 9My mind’s off wandering againLet me grab that back. This time.”“No…You gotta drink …Ya gotta drink!This time…Every time!”Rinse repeatMistake over mistakeVodka neat, vodka neatVodka…I… wake to… laughter“Uncle Johnny, you’re the dudeFrom stuck up cuntTo puking your shoes.Man, can you let go… when you want.”And let go... I did.A distracted juggler drops his satin ballA drunken knife thrower ties assistants to the wall,The smoking fortune teller wheezes, “Doom finds us all,A Ring Master’s whip echoes through an emptying hall….Cadenza, for the End of TimeMy catechism askedWhy did that g-d make me?And I askWhy did this unbonded mom have me?To both cluck in disappointment?Over commandmentsI was bornUnable to follow…?To follow a comet into…DesperationDissolutionSuicideAnd the Peace…Of no need for understanding?Ever again?There is no heroNo godNo bodhisattvaThat does not hideThe dazzling ConfusionIn a burning bushOr explains to meLike I’m a five-year oldWhy that twin-tailed cometStill sails across my mindHow rare it isTo find a godDoesn’t want moreThan he gave,A lover who can stay…Even while I raveA man who can liveNot caring if he’s saved,How rare it is.How rare it is.Okay. Friends? Finally late in life I got friends. And love. And this last is a selfie of what that’s like.6. A Swirl of Flesh-Colored Fog“Ya gotta minute?”She takes a quick scan of the aisles. Then toward the eternal sale table near the entrance. Pink and blue signs promising two if you'll just buy one…It's silent. Just me standing in front of her. Bottle of the Coke Zero I’m addicted to in my hand.Dusk. Rural Indiana. I guess the local beef cattlemen, horsey folks, and military munitions testers up at Crane Naval base? They don’t hit Dollar General so much around sun down.“Sure. Nobody much comes in around now. S’up… you good?"I take a beat. To use my words… to find my words.“I’m trying to remember all you guys’… um, ya know, everybody’s names….”“Oh, no worries. You’re good. We really all should have name badges.”I take another beat. To switch appropriate gears.“You know. The autism thing. I have this face and name thing. It’s weird… but I can't remember faces.”Awkward, awkward pause.If you’re listening, if you’re reading…Let me try to take you inside. My being…What’s that like? I only see… Well, words fail me.Take a visit to Walmart. Just a sea of faceless ghosts. Folks I greet, “I know I know you… I have this thing. Can you tell me your name?”Embarrassment. Stammering apologies…See, it’s like this…A swirl of flesh-colored fogThat’s my wife’s face in dreamsI only see her walking awayA grey ponytail., tattered jeansLove of my life… can’t see her…Not her green eyes… in stage makeup…Just homemade tats… the shape of her hair…Feelings, memories… talking after that breakup…So, I’m talking to that DG clerk.“We don’t get out much. You guys? I guess it’s a job. But to us? You’re… well, friends. It means something to me. To learn your name. To… know you.”“Oh.” Confused, she pauses. “It’s really ok. We know you and your wife. We get it.”“You know?” I’m urgent. I want her to get… the weight of it. “It’s not for you. It’s for me. It means something to me. To remember your names. And put them with your faces. To be friends.”I flash on all those parental commands to “make friends.” Then say, “I just won’t get it right away. But I want to enjoy… doing it.”Silence. Awkward. But intimate.I stammer. “Are you… are you, Ari?” When confused, my go-to fallback is details.“No, she’s the short blond one.” She waves her right hand about shoulder high.“I know Kensington… cuz well I walked in on her anaphylactic…. Um, allergy attack. Over in the Dollar Aisle."“Yeah. She's the short one with black hair.” She gestures with her right hand, just a hair lower. “And I’m Cyndi.”We laugh. Together. She mentions the name tags again. I make reassuring noises.“That’s Windy, right?”“No.” She laughs. “Cyndi… Just with the I and Y reversed.”“Oh, thank god. For a moment I misremembered again. Thought you were named after a sappy 60s song.”She laughs, easy… again. “No. Never. Not that..”We share a wink. A nod.The doors slide. I walk outside.“Cyndi. Just with the I and Y reversed."A swirl of flesh-colored fog. Framed by glasses. And twisted brown hair on her head.About… yay… tall.#AutisticAF Out Loud Newsletter is a reader-supported publication. Click to receive new postd… free. To support my work, please consider a paid subscription. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe

👉 YouTube Video of this live spoken word performance👉 “every clock is a handgun pointed at my head,” Amazon book & ebookCold OpenI feel like a brilliant creative soulas if…trapped in a damaged body& neurologytrying to communicate with the worldthrough an intermittently short-circuiting transistor radioplaying through static& the distortion& sparking circuits…to just be heard.Do you understand at all what I mean?IntroYou're listening to AutisticAF Out Loud. One voice. Raw. Real. Fiercely Neurodivergent. Since 1953.Season 5, Episode 7 is special. This live spoken word performance comes straight from my first Amazon book, "every clock is a handgun pointed at my head." Raw insight into my autism… and ADHD.No hidden meanings. Nothing to decode. Just real life. Meant for autistics who need to be seen… And for family, allies, and researchers who want to see us truly. Not through Hollywood's lens of Rain Man and Love on the Spectrum.Just one 72-year-old autistic elder's truth. I'm Johnny Profane.Content Note: Frank discussion of trauma, including sexual abuse. Because… frankly… most autistics I've known survived trauma. This material may be triggering.Subscribers to my Substack receive a free PDF of the entire book. Links to Amazon book and ebook are in the podcast notes.Btw, tomorrow, Sunday 8/31, I'm doing another live performance for subscribers. 12:45 Eastern, 4:45 UTC.With that? Let's dive right in.Live Spoken Word Performance, 8/24/251. Dancing Close to the Edge of the NoiseThought i’d start with a metaphor… something that autistics see…right away. And I think will help.. This autist at least… be seen.#AskingAuDHDists…bear with me a minute.I'm autistic+ADHD.71.i feel likea brilliant creative soulas if…trapped in a damaged body& neurologytrying to communicatewith the worldthrough an intermittentlyshort-circuiting transistor radioplaying through static& the distortion& sparking circuits…to just be heard.do you understand at all what I mean?#ActuallyAutistic #ADHD #ReallyAuDHD2. That Song I'll Never Sing to My Son So let me build another bridge. Who doesn’t relate to children.Like some angelWith a dislocated shoulderHalf f l y i n g H a l f fallingYounger to olderFrom the day I was born.Tumbling to earthRushing up belowBody on f i r eH e a r t aflameIn s l o – m o ,a horror picture show…To a silent piano score…Like that songI’ll never singTo my son.Like that songLike this song….Don’t be a dickReal talk…It’s harder than you think…Listen up…Maybe…Don’t mask… protecting othersDon’t please yourselfLess than bosses & lovers…Hold up…Most of all…Don’t forgetTo have a kidLike you mightForgetThat call-in contestYou just knewYou could winCuz you knew all the words….Gimme a minute.I need a minute…Like some angelThrown outta heavenH a l f fallingHalf f l y i n gFrom what should’ve been…The day I was born.Like that songOn that game show…That I’ll never sing…To that sonI never hadHell,Like this song.3. My Friend BillyOne last bridge. Before we maybe jump off the cliff… They say we don’t having emotions. Or make friends. Clue… I ain’t Spock.65Going on death,Woke to a frozen worldWhere no car creptA day no singing birdWas left aliveA day another friendSighed his last breathPolar vortexBlew thru my trailerWrapped windows in blanketsStale air hung like failureCranked the ovenCracked its doorSealed the entries to my lifeLike a bunker in warSettled in for a day alonePicked up the phoneMy only open door…Wars, rumors of warsDisasters revealedDisasters concealedAcross its screenA dying world's dreamsI read the news,A politician liesLocal man dies…Wind froze my heartAnother sun setsThat'll never riseAnother friendWhere I can't hear his criesBilly…I wish I were that poetSay, Yeats sweet voiceOr at least L. CohenRaised in bitter rejoiceTo toast his life of rough edgesBut I see him clearTears in his eyesLaffingHow he outraced copsAcross Arizona desertsOr burnt a scumbag dealerOr how his child came to be bornCryingAbout a woman he lovedThose kids he missed seeingLocked in his roomPicking at scabsDyingOne bottle at a timeHe lived for loveHe lived for laughsHe left little moreThan a church full of folksWho missed him for an hourHe was Billy.And now years laterHe won't leave my autistic mindAnd still laffs in my autistic heartTeaching it how to praise.AdHey… quick favor? Social media algorithms bury voices like ours. But if you hit subscribe, like, or share? A lot more people may get a chance to truly see autism. One click does a lot of good.4. every clock is a handgun pointed at my head So now we… maybe… know each other a little better. Let's cut deeper… My time? It can’t be measured. Not a dimension… perhaps yours. It’s a force. A violent force.IIIEvery clock is a handgun pointed at my headEvery tick, tick… fucking tickTolling Fear, Doom… dreadClick. Slide. Cock… click.Every night a mantra echoes through my headTV static… a crazy-making humSinging Dream, Drempt… dead…Not done. Not done. Not done… undone10, 9, 8… Dread7, 6, 5… Fear4, 3, 2… BEEP.Shoot the moon… or the country next doorCountdown. Deadline. Bow down… dead.Bound behind doors, bound in my headPace, paces, pacing… pacedEvery BEEP.Of the phone.Stops…my heart....I crash out with a scream for escapeIIWoodsDeep woodsDeepest woodsMy ears flyfrom bird songto bird song.A raptor circles then spiralsCrossing lines now deadWind steals my breathTaking words never saidThis skin bag of atmosphereBreathes new airWhen the sun risesFirst it is cooThen it gets warmThe day passesClouds above my head.Shaped by windOutside my bodyThe same windInside my bodyTheSameWindYet…I10, 9, 8… Dread7, 6, 5… Fear4, 3, 2… BEEP.Shoot the moon… or the country next doorCountdown. Deadline. Bow down… dead.Every clock is a handgun pointed at my headZero5. Believe I'll Ch-Ch-Change My Shirt Someone said an average writer borrows. The other kinds steal out right. Bowie, Robert Johnson, Marvin Gaye? I owe you guys one.Sunlight cracks my window,Gotta be midday.Kick myself a pathwayJust to pee into the bowl.Like a peek into that deepest hole,Zombie in the Mirror won’t let me look away —Same filthy shirt as yesterday,Body and soul.I Gotta Change.They say, “Ya gotta ch-ch-change.New day’s a-coming.Cuz that same old,It’s getting fucking old.”They say, “Shed that old skinFor one of truest gold…”I. Gotta. Change.Believe I’ll ch-ch-changeMy…Shirt.Karma’s a bitch dog, in heat.She prowls my old mind,Sleeps beside me every night…Feasting on defeats.No stone blocks this empty tombBut I can’t leave her behind...Memories of the darkest kindBlind my way outta this room...T H A T change I can not make—Faced all the strange this heart can take…I gotta change…I gotta change…I gotta change…I. Gotta. Change.Believe I’ll ch-ch-changeMy…Shirt.*Break it down…**I believe, I believe, I’ll go back home.**I believe, I believe, I’ll go back home.**You can mistreat me here, babe,**But you can’t when I get home…**Waitress smiles,**checkout jokes…**shoplifting contact**with little hope**casual chic in the cubicle**hoarding freak in the domicile**Molestation devastation**Frustration infestation**losing jobs**taking jabs**Meltdown, shutdown… losing your shit**Choose the label for your best fit**Can’t see the forest**For the leaves,**That’s what’s brought me**To my knees…*New day’s never coming.And that same old,Got fucking older.I yearn to shed that old skinI crave that shiny gold…I. Gotta. Change.Believe I’ll ch-ch-changeMy…Shirt.6. The Body AbidesThis one’s rough. For me. Maybe for you. Trauma’s… well, a bitch."Like I told youNothing really happenedCan't sleep is all..."He repeats his view,"The body watches.The body ALWAYSFucking watches.""Yeah, he kissed meFathers do that.Yeah, it was weird but..."He whispers me,"Your body, your witness.And *this* witness ALWAYSFucking watches."Then he leans in…"What if he'd kissedyour *sister's* lips...?""I'd fucking kill him."*That's when...*i see mein his mirrorwatching myselfwatch my selftransparently autistica son no more,yet the body...abides.images, never sharedimages… never daredhard, wet, franticfumbling… bareragedark rageScreaming RAGE*i'd fucking kill him**fucking kill him**kill him**him.*i rise...soslowlyand fucking smash that mirrori rock, i sway…i rub one red eye.i stand, I stare…I sigh, I say,"My body watchesThe body *ALWAYS*Fucking watches…"into a mirror staring nowhereAs I close his office door...I abide.AdOk. Before we jump back in… just a heads up that links to this live YouTube performance and the Amazon books are waiting in the show notes.7. Slouching toward Montauk I want to tell you a story. Short. Cuz, well, time’s short. Maybe the end Times. Who better to turn inside out than, well Yeats… and his Second Coming.... Let’s say… I’m in my 70s now. Happiest time of my autistic life.Not too worried about some fabulous unachievable autistic Nirvana… These days…Now, here’s that story.My grandfather was a… complex man.He slept beside an orderly nightstand.Tucking Mein Kampf tightIn its tidy drawer every night.And…He used to take me sailing out to Montauk Point… a sea journey from Bay Shore, Long Island… at least as he sailed it on the ocean side… swinging out into the deep water…In his telling, it was a fabulous place.Where a sandstone lighthouse lit the waves, warning of danger.Where the grass on the golf course grew sideways.And every single damn tree bowed toward the West…From the eternal wind blowing onshore.His heaven on earth, he called it…...The wind carries all the sound away…But its roar in my earscreates a kind of hushed silenceinside me...I always experience high anxietyas we lose sight of the shore.Just sky, waves & constant rolling…Disoriented.Like a whiteout in a blizzard.If you throw in some seasickness.But after an hour or so, I make my way to the prow. And sit.Wind on my faceSun on my bodySalt breeze filling my chest…Quieting my heart.Anxiety? Disorientation?I observeThe fixed lighthouseIn the far off dusk.Splashing its light… bravelyInto the spray.Knowing deepIn its softNative sandstone heart…Time and tide wait for it....I stop caring about the shoreline. And the anxious hell waiting for me on the other side. For hours at a time.....Who cares about sailing toward Montaukand its fabulous trees…anymore…Or.. ever again?I’m busy breathing in…thisfabulous momenthereOutroAutisticAF Out Loud is supported solely by listeners like you. Got a friend or family member touched by neurodiversity? Turn them on to us with a quick email.We believe no one should have to pay to be autistic. Many neurodivergent folks can't afford subscription content. Your Ko-Fi tip of any amount keeps this resource free for them. Or join our paid subscriber community for ongoing support.Both links are in the description.👉 YouTube Video of this live spoken word performance👉 “every clock is a handgun pointed at my head,” Amazon book & ebook#AutisticAF Out Loud Newsletter is a reader-supported publication. Click to receive new posts free… and a free PDF of the Amazon book “every clock is a handgun pointed at my head.” To support my work, please consider becoming a paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe

Cold OpenI just heard the duly-elected President of these United States... Donald J. Trump... brag about dropping the atom bomb. On Hiroshima.My god.Steven Colbert? Jon Stewart...?Once, these guys were subversive... were daring. But...But with troops still in the California streets and missiles in Mid-Eastern air...Haven't comedians become nauseatingly... tone dead?When the Comedy stops being funny…We're in deep shit. Especially anybody different. Like, say… autistics..[music theme]IntroYou’re listening to Trigger Warnings, episode 2 … a new project of AutisticAF Out Loud podcast.I'm Johnny Profane. Your fiercely divergent guide to what's actually happening in the news.Gimme 10 minutes? I'll give you my neurodivergent world.Today: “Not Everything's Funny: Colbert, Trump .. & Hiroshima.” Military deployments in two cities, Constitutional challenges mounting, and one burning question: Are we witnessing democratic norms under assault in real time? And trying to just laugh it off?For an ever deeper dive, I’ve included footnotes and readings in the subStack.Content Note: civil unrest, military deployment, law enforcement actions, concerns about democratic institutions + experiences & opinions of one autistic voice... in my 70s.[music theme]ShowAct 1: The Unprecedented BreakI just heard the duly-elected President of these United States... Donald J. Trump... brag about dropping the atom bomb. On Hiroshima.[1]At a NATO summit.In front of the world.My god.Let me tell you what just happened. Because the News? They aren't "reporting" just how fucked up this really is.[music freedom, 8 bars]No President Has Ever Done ThisSince the guy who dropped those bombs in 1945…Harry Truman…stopped defending his decision…cuz he stopped being president in 1952.No American president since… has dared… brag about Hiroshima. Or Nagasaki.[2]Not one.You know why? Because even the worst of them understood something. Those bombs killed 200,000 people.[3] Mostly civilians. Women. Children. Grandparents.Even Eisenhower… the guy American history class sayswon World War II… Even he said the bombing "never ceased troubling me." He called it completely unnecessary.[4]Obama visited Hiroshima in 2016.[5] He didn't apologize. But he didn't brag either.Reagan talked about nuclear weapons. But he said "a nuclear war can never be won."[6]Every president since Truman understood this was serious shit. Sacred ground. You don't joke around about vaporizing cities.Not Trump.He's bragging. Comparing his conventional strikes to atomic bombs. Like it's a video game."We have the best nuclear technology," he said. "The best equipment in the world."Like… nuclear weapons were toys.[music]Trump Just Shattered “Normal”Yesterday at the NATO summit in The Hague, Trump compared his strikes on Iran to Hiroshima.His exact words: "I don't want to use an example of Hiroshima. I don't want to use the example of Nagasaki, that was essentially the same thing. That ended that war, this ended this war."[7]He was bragging. Bragging about nuclear destruction. Like a fucking business deal."That hit ended the war," he said. Chest puffed out. Proud as hell.This is what we've come to. The President casually referencing the incineration of 200,000 humans… as a model for current policy.At an international summit.On camera.With full makeup.[music 8 bars, freedom]You know social media… if you take a sec to hit subscribe, like, share? A lot more people will check it out. Just one click… and you do a lotta good.[music, freedom]The Comedy ProblemHow are we supposed to respond? Where's the outrage?In other words, where are the comedians? Most Gen Z-ers and younger get their news from late night comedy shows.[8]Colbert will try out a "new" joke tonight. Stewart will do his smirk. They'll treat this like another Trump gaffe they can mine for laughs.[9]But it's not funny anymore.Once, these guys were subversive... were daring. But...Haven’t they become nauseatingly... tone dead?You can't satirize someone who's already become a parody of human decency. Someone the scriptures of all major religions would label simply… evil?Bragging about mass murder... what the fuck is left to mock?Comedy works when there's a shared understanding of normal. When people have shame. When some lines… you just don't cross.But Trump crossed the biggest. With a smile. Not one objection from a room full of reporters. Just brief sneers from a TV full of comedians.So, Canary-in-the-coal-mine time….When the Comedy stops being funny…We're in deep shit. Especially anyone different. Like, say… autistics…[music]Why This MattersThis isn't about politics. Left or right.This is about what kind of country we are.For 80 years, American presidents understood that Hiroshima was different. Special. Unspeakable.[10]They might defend it…quickly, quietly. Say, “It saved lives.” Then quickly, move on.They understood Power comes with burdens… responsibility, accountability, humanity. That killing 200,000 people isn't something you do a victory spike over.Trump doesn't understand that weight.Or worse... he doesn't care.Ya, know, worse yet? Maybe he does care. About the bullying power that his brutish remarks burn into the world's memory.[music]Act 2: When Institutions FailWith troops still in the California streets, missiles in Mid-Eastern skies… and a Bully-in-Chief in the pulpit…Comedy… and art… fall silent.Corporate News? Well it talks… too much. But it just isn’t saying anything. They don’t cover reality anymore. They've been cowed into repeating Administration lies… through shell-shocked faces.When the President of the United States casually references nuclear genocide... and we fear he might just use them sometime …within the next two weeks…like all of his jokes…that become threats…that become promises kept to his base…Our cultural tools break down.We don't have frameworks for this.We have jokes for corrupt politicians. For liars. For cheaters. That subversive humor can shed a light into Democratic or Republican darkness. Through a shared giggle.But jokes about dropping nukes?They’re just distractions. Like… witty comebacks, really killer memes, and the occasional truly thoughtful opinion piece in the New York Times.[music]What We're Really FacingThis is what authoritarianism starts like.[11] Not jackboots and death squads.Just a man who thinks mass murder… is something to celebrate. A man who doesn't understand why some folks might find that disturbing.The scariest part? He said this at NATO. To our allies.Heard round the world. By any country that remembers World War II. What nuclear weapons actually do.Like say, Japan.[music]Are the Democrats' the Alternative?The political opposition? They're not exactly rising to the moment. What the fuck are Democrats doing?[12]Running the same playbook they've used since Hillary lost."We're the adults in the room.""At least we're not Trump. Vote for us because we're not insane.""You just wait for the midterms… oh, boy. We really got him now."We need more than just "At least, we're not that guy."You need to explain why this is fucking terrifying.Wait… Forget all that.Say as little as absolutely necessary.Just fucking act already.[music]Where We Are NowSo here we are. And we're all supposed to pretend this is normal.It's not normal.It's not funny.And it's not sustainable. Maybe not survivable.[music]The TruthTrump just told the world that he thinks nuclear destruction is a deal-making path… worth aspiring to. :Proudly.That's not politics. That's not even partisanship.That's a fundamental break with human decency.And if we can't say that out loud... if we can't admit how fucked up this is...We're already lost.[music AutisticAF Out Loud theme]OutroThis has been Trigger Warnings: Fiercely Divergent News. Reminding you we navigate a world that wasn't built for us Neurodivergents… and it may be time… to build our own.Another warning sign that, ya know… human decency? All bets are off.Which doesn’t bode well for anybody who is different.Next week? 10 more minutes of my neurodivergent world. Until then, take care of your beautiful pattern-seeking, divergent brain.And… stay safe? Stay fierce.#AutisticAF Out Loud Newsletter is a reader-supported publication. Click o receive new posts… free. To support my work, consider becoming a paid subscriber.Binge on the most authentic autistic voice in podcasting.7 decades of raw truth, real insights, zero yadayada.Footnotes[1] https://www.aljazeera.com/video/newsfeed/2025/6/25/trump-compares-iran-strikes-to-hiroshima-and-nagasakihttps://www.huffpost.com/entry/trump-hiroshima-nagasaki-iran_n_685bf52ee4b024434f988a73https://www.middleeasteye.net/news/hit-ended-war-trump-likens-iran-strikes-hiroshima-bombinghttps://cbs4local.com/news/nation-world/president-donald-trump-compares-iran-strikes-to-hiroshima-bombing-nagasaki-claims-successful-end-to-conflict-nato-summit-netherlands-secretary-general-mark-rutte-operation-midnight-hammer[2]: While President Truman initially called the atomic bomb "the greatest thing in history" aboard his ship returning from Potsdam, his public statements were more measured, describing it as "a harnessing of the basic power of the universe".https://millercenter.org/the-presidency/presidential-speeches/august-6-1945-statement-president-announcing-use-bombTruman defended the decision but stopped discussing it publicly after leaving office. No subsequent president has publicly celebrated or bragged about the atomic bombings until Trump's 2025 remarks.https://www.nps.gov/articles/trumanatomicbomb.htm[3]: Death toll estimates for the atomic bombings vary significantly. The Manhattan Engineer District initially estimated 105,000 total deaths (66,000 in Hiroshima, 39,000 in Nagasaki) by end of 1945. The International Campaign to Abolish Nuclear Weapons estimates 140,000 in Hiroshima and 74,000 in Nagasaki by end of 1945. Methodological challenges include destroyed records, uncertain pre-bombing populations, and radiation-related deaths over time.https://www.atomicarchive.com/resources/documents/med/med_chp10.html[4]: Eisenhower expressed his "grave misgivings" about the atomic bombing in his memoir, stating he believed "Japan was already defeated and that dropping the bomb was completely unnecessary." He also noted his concern that the U.S. "should avoid shocking world opinion by the use of a weapon whose employment was, I thought, no longer mandatory as a measure to save American lives."https://www.aei.org/op-eds/japan-was-already-defeated-the-case-against-the-nuclear-bomb-and-for-basic-morality/Critics note this was a post-war reflection written nearly two decades later, not a contemporaneous military assessment.[5]: Obama visited Hiroshima in May 2016, becoming the first sitting U.S. president to do so. He spoke of the "silent cry" of victims and called for nuclear disarmament while carefully avoiding any apology, stating: "We stand here in the middle of this city and force ourselves to imagine the moment the bomb fell... we listen to a silent cry".https://abc3340.com/news/nation-world/obama-at-hiroshima-death-fell-from-the-sky-05-27-2016-103848173[6]: Reagan's famous statement "A nuclear war cannot be won and must never be fought" was delivered in his 1984 State of the Union address, reflecting his commitment to nuclear deterrence while pursuing arms reduction with the Soviet Union.[7]: Trump's exact words at the NATO summit on June 25, 2025: "I don't want to use an example of Hiroshima. I don't want to use an example of Nagasaki, but that was essentially the same thing that ended that war, this ended this war"[4].https://www.middleeasteye.net/news/hit-ended-war-trump-likens-iran-strikes-hiroshima-bombinghttps://cbs4local.com/news/nation-world/president-donald-trump-compares-iran-strikes-to-hiroshima-bombing-nagasaki-claims-successful-end-to-conflict-nato-summit-netherlands-secretary-general-mark-rutte-operation-midnight-hammerThis represents the first time a U.S. president has compared current military actions to the atomic bombings in a celebratory manner.[8]: Research indicates late-night political comedy shows serve as significant news sources, particularly for younger demographics. "The Late Show with Stephen Colbert" averaged 8.7% viewership share in 2024, reaching approximately 281,000 viewers in the 18-49 demographic nightly[15][16].https://screenrant.com/stephen-colbert-ratings-late-show-2024-explained/https://screenrant.com/stephen-colbert-ratings-late-show-2024-explained/ Studies suggest these programs have the most impact on politically inattentive audiences who learn about politics inadvertently through satirical content.[9]: Following Trump's Iran strikes, Colbert addressed the actions through his typical comedic framework, with segments like "Trump's Weird Iran War Speech" and jokes about intelligence reports contradicting Trump's claims of "obliteration." Colbert quipped "Oops-a-nuke-y" regarding reports that Iran's nuclear capabilities remained largely intact.https://www.tvinsider.com/1199026/stephen-colbert-trump-f-bomb-rant-monologue-video/[10]: The concept of a "nuclear taboo"—an international norm against the use of nuclear weapons—has been maintained since 1945. Political scientist Nina Tannenwald defines this as "a de facto prohibition against the first use of nuclear weapons" that creates a shared understanding of the illegitimacy and immorality of nuclear weapons use[18].https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nuclear_tabooTrump's comparison breaks this longstanding presidential restraint.[11]: Harvard political scientists Steven Levitsky and Daniel Ziblatt identify four markers of authoritarian risk: rejecting democratic rules, denying opponent legitimacy, tolerating violence, and curtailing civil liberties. They argue Trump is the first U.S. politician since the Civil War to meet all four criteria19.https://www.newsweek.com/harvard-political-science-professor-donald-trump-authoritarian-how-democracy-778425Constitutional scholar Elaine Scarry argues nuclear weapons create "thermonuclear monarchy" by concentrating unprecedented destructive power in executive hands, fundamentally undermining democratic governance.https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/thermonuclear-monarchy-elaine-scarry/1111087819https://futureoflife.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/Elaine_Scarry_MIT_April2.pdf[12]: Democratic responses to Trump's Iran strikes showed internal divisions. House No. 2 Democrat Katherine Clark called the strikes "unauthorized & unconstitutional," while Senator Chris van Hollen argued they violated congressional war powers. However, critics note Democratic presidents have similarly bypassed Congress for military actions, weakening their constitutional arguments[22][23].https://www.msnbc.com/opinion/msnbc-opinion/us-bombs-iran-attacks-trump-constitution-rcna214580https://www.cnn.com/2025/06/23/politics/trump-iran-legal-constitutional-article-1-article-2 This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe

Cold OpenYou wanna pathologize me? Knock yerself out. Faithfully counting every leaf marked "deficit"…But missing the whole damn forest we know locally as "Survival."[Doc? You Got Us All Wrong, Pt 1: Autistic Resilience]IntroYou're listening to AutisticAF Out Loud. One voice. Raw. Real. Fiercely Neurodivergent. Since 1953.Season 5, Episode 5. “Doc? You Got Us All Wrong, Pt 1: Autistic Resilience.”Deficits… or strengths? Survival… or thriving? Pathology… or inborn, natural autistic behavior? We turn the diagnostic telescope around. Let’s focus on the forest of resilience behind every leaf labeled "deficit."An experimental multi-part series… all around 10 minutes. Because some neurodivergent listeners like to binge in small bites. Or you can download Part 1 and Part 2 at once… for listeners who crave the whole enchilada in one sitting.Just one autistic elder's truth. I'm Johnny Profane.Content Note: trauma discussion, medical system critique, institutional discrimination, psychiatric hospitalizations, systemic oppression + experiences & opinions of one autistic voice... in my 70s.[Music]What I tell any therapist… any caregiver… first session:I have survived physical and sexual abuse from family and schoolmates.Bullying by teachers and fellow students… 2nd grade through high school.Multiple professional crashes… in multiple careers.At least a dozen firings.2 evictions.1 bankruptcy.Dozens of major household moves.Few friends, and…2 divorces, 3 "living togethers," and a couple of "serious" relationships that, well…, weren't?Ain't this resilience?Resilience. Ya know, that cap-and-gown term pros use for getting knocked down seven times. Stubbornly getting up… eight...I'm still alive. Still creating. Still getting published. Still speaking to thousands of autistics a year.Never attempted suicide... despite three hospitalizations.AND I'm still autistic. Cuz there ain't no cure for something that ain't wrong. Unless you base your "medical model" on some statistical "normal"… which is just a made up story. Cuz not one living person is summed up by a Bell curve normal… not even within a standard deviation.Yes, yes… yes. Some professionals are evolving. Pros who listen more than lecture. But face it. In the grand scheme of things… they’re rare.Let's get clear right now, right here. It's not being autistic that creates our trauma. It's living autistic in a society that inflicts trauma on us. Refusing to accept, adapt… support… us.Why do "helping" pros focus on my deficits, my lacks, my pitiful performance of “Activities of Daily Living”…? Like, did I shower today…? No.Rather than the sheer strength of will I demonstrate every time I take my next breath?Why do they offer to fix me,inform me,guide me, andcharge me for sessions,mentoring,workshops,best-selling books,SYSTEMS they've just invented…based on… at best… incomplete research?[Music]You know social media… if you like and share this podcast, a lot more people will check it out. You can do a lot of good with just one click.You wanna pathologize me? Knock yerself out.Turn my every inborn neurodivergent characteristic into a disease. You do have powerful diagnostic tools…But you're looking through that diagnostic telescope backwards. Faithfully counting every leaf marked "deficit"… But missing the whole damn forest that we know locally as "Survival."Like my "failure to maintain eye contact.” A “social deficit.” Right... completely missing how that survival skill lets me process your words… without painful sensory overload. My form of my respect… for you.Go ahead and use professionally, objectively disempowering terms, like "comorbidity"... betraying your bias that my very way of Being is… in your eyes… a disease. And then riff on, elaborate away: "pathological demand avoidance," "obsessive-compulsive disorder," "borderline personality disorder,"And on and on… and on.Truth? Every diagnosis? Just another survival mechanism. Not symptoms of autism. Responses to how society treats autism.Behaviors that kept me alive… in your world. While you obsess over what's "wrong" with me…Or… we could build on my autistic strengths.Look, none of us have all of these. And superpowers don’t exist. Some have strengths not listed. But if you aren’t looking for them? Likely, you’re mis-treating us.* Resilience: Just surviving multiple, severe stressors is a biggie. Every autistic adult you meet has adapted to extreme challenges. Most of us… traumatized. Yet we endure. We integrate. We keep going.* Deep Feeling: Pros call ‘em "mood swings." We call it feeling everything… deeply. Depth that drives our creativity… in science, art, writing, becoming lunatic billionaires… or the cool neighbor next door.. It's not a flaw. It's fuel.* Survival Skills: My life, my continued existence… is my proof. Just as any autistic adult's life is. We've survived devastating life events. With inner strength and coping strategies.These aren't skills most professionals understand… not even some neurodivergent practitioners. Because these skills are linked to how our individual autistic minds work. Which is… in fact… different. Not just from most humans. From each other, too.* Creative Persistence: Every autistic person knows this pull. Our passionate focus on our interests. Grabbing us deeper than hunger. We don't just see details… no matter what TV tells you. We work on wide canvases. We create. We build. We solve. That's strength.* Living with Extremes: My knee surgeon was shocked. "You walked two miles a day on a torn meniscus?" Yes, but… a light touch on my face can trigger panic. That's not contradiction. That's how we survive. We may get sensory warnings earlier than most… Yet we handle what breaks others. Daily.* Hidden Adaptability: Look at my life changes—jobs, homes, relationships. Society labels us as "rigid." Truth is, we adapt constantly. We got no choice. Yet we persevere. We keep doing. That's not weakness. That's strength.* Processing Power: We take in everything. Process it deeply. Yet live through emotional and sensory experiences that would derail most people. We keep going. Keep growing. That's not dysfunction. That's determination. Coming directly from… not despite… our neurodivergent cognition.* Spectrum of Strength: Maybe resilience is a spectrum, too. And some of us autistics crank it up past 11. Not weakness from disability. Strength from difference. Turning autistic stereotypes upside down. Yet again.[Music]Just a quickie… this is Part 1 of “Doc? You Got Autism All Wrong?” Why not binge the next part? Or download the long-form version with both parts? Link in transcript.Challenging Normal-izing ModelsMy story? Just one among thousands. Millions.I've worked as a magazine publisher. Functioned as an academic grad student… multiple times. And been homeless… multiple times. I've been privileged to hear many, many similar stories over the decades. At all levels of society, education, age.These stories all share one truth: Autistic traits are not inherently deficits. They can be hidden sources of strength and resilience. In the right environment. In the right community.Take one example: Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA). What pros like to label our natural, neurodivergent response to external demands like deadlines. I meet the diagnostic criteria. Always have. But in my opinion, they bulldoze right over my inborn need for autonomy. Leading too often to trauma. PDA… seems to me… a dehumanizing slur. For the nature I was born with.Yet many neurodivergents find comfort and support diagnosed as PDA. In the acknowledgment of our differences the diagnosis does offer. I don’t wish to negate their experience. And I’m not arguing neurodivergents do NOT have needs for autonomy. Or that we don't suffer due to these differences. At the hands of Straight Culture.My point: Sensory and social differences are NOT pathologies.It's like dogs noticing that cats are more hyper than canines...So to "help" ‘em, pro dogs decide to forcibly train or torture every cat. To steamroll them into converting to “Dog Normal.”We are human… autistic humans.We need what all humans need: To build on our strengths. To find our nurturing environments. To choose our supportive communities.We just accomplish these things... differently.Look, I'm fighting the whole Normative Narrative. Which demands any difference MUST be "cured." Or at least fixed.And I’m not keen on neurodivergent-based attempts to bandaid the problem. By simply defining a new normal for autistics and other neurodivergents. Just another standard we may fail to live up to.Frankly, I'm calling for a strengths-based, non-normative psychology for all neurodivergents. A theme I develop in this series and future podcasts. How we might replace CBT and similar treatments with more neurodivergent-centered alternatives.So where do we start this revolution?Doc, Stop. Look again…At the big picture this time. See those brilliant sparks of unusual strength? Far more powerful than your "deficits."Reality check: Up to now, you've just been documenting how modern consumer culture fails our neurology. In the office. In our schools. In shopping at freaking Walmart for fuck's sake.Anywhere we’re forced to process too much sensory input. Or pretend to read invisible social cues. Pretend we’re you… without rest or accommodation.Let’s explore a new direction. Simply put?Doc… stop looking through your telescope backwards. Look at us. Right in front of your eyes._____References & Further ReadingNeither exhaustive nor comprehensive. Articles that made me think.* The high prevalence of trauma and adverse experiences among autistic individuals* PTSD and Autism* Trauma and Autism: Research and Resources* How to build resiliency in autistic individuals: an implication to advance mental health* Association Between Autism and PTSD Among Adult Psychiatric Outpatients* The relationship between autism and resilience* Building Resilience – An Important Life Skill* Understanding Resilience in Neurodivergent Adults* Autistic Resilience: Overcoming Adversity Through Self-Care and Strengths* The criticism of deficit-based models of autism* Moving Beyond Deficit-Based Models of Autism* Strengths-First Assessment in Autism* The reality of autistic strengths and capabilities* 6 Strengths (not Weaknesses) of Individuals with Autism* Autism as a Strength* Neurodiversity as a Competitive AdvantageNote: Links are provided for reference only. Views expressed may differ from my own experiences and observations. Sources affiliated with Autism Speaks are controversial in the neurodiversity community. Their research may be included for completeness. But perhaps be cautious.Doc, You Got Us All Wrong, Pt 2: CBT...? Never Worked for Autistic MeCold OpenCBT…? Never worked for autistic me.So, look, we KNOW masking doesn't work. Or FEAR. Or PAIN. We’re dying from them already.That's all the words we need.[Music]IntroYou're listening to AutisticAF Out Loud. One voice. Raw. Real. Fiercely Neurodivergent. Since 1953.Season 5, Episode 6. “Doc? You Got Us All Wrong, Pt 2: CBT…? Never Worked for Autistic Me.”Abelist agendas. Bad research subjects. Bad data. Bad therapy.There’s the whole story.An experimental multi-part series… around 10 minutes each. Cuz some autistic listeners tell me they like to binge in small bites. Others say they listen in the car… so you can also download the complete series as one file.Just one autistic elder's truth. I'm Johnny Profane.Content Note: trauma discussion, medical system critique, institutional discrimination, psychiatric hospitalizations, systemic oppression + experiences & opinions of one autistic voice... in my 70s.[Music]I've been struggling with an article on CBT & Autism for years.Sigh. Spoons. A lot of reading. A lot of thinking…To come to my opinion… my thesis…that any therapy based on purely cognitive techniques… even if pros throw on some Behavioral rubber-band-snapping special sauce on the side…?It’s inherently ableist… attacking the very way our autistic brains are wired. Demanding abilities many neurodivergents just weren’t born with.Here’s a snapshot. A quick personal story from when autistic-as-fuck me turned for help…“I’m sorry… What did you just say?”“I said…” He looked nervous. “I said… I always recommend aversive therapy for my autistic kids. My clients.”Me. In a dead-cold voice. “Snapping a rubber band.”“Y-e-s-s.” He seemed torn. Was I gonna get positive reinforcement… Or that weird, hostile, defensiveness professionals get. When you ask questions.Into that hesitant silence, I say, “Snap it hard. Hard as they can. Against their wrist.”“Yes. The sting is important.” Now, he’s eager to share. “When they repeat the aversive stimulus, they…”Again I interrupt with my ashen, Clint-Eastwood voice. “During a meltdown.”“Well… actually… just before.” He’s beaming, proud. “They learn to snap the band at the earliest hint they’ll lose control. It’s operant conditioning.”A kid having a meltdown on Aisle 3. Likely overwhelmed by sensory overload.Let’s just add a little sharp pain… and see what happens…As if by giving it some science-y name… it’s not self-inflicted torture.Brief CBT BackgroundCognitive Behavioral Therapy emerged in the 60s. A kind of forced marriage. Between Beck’s cognitive therapy… focused on internal thoughts. And Skinner’s behavioral therapy… focused on observable behavior. Both developed studying neurotypical minds.Change your thoughts, change your feelings, change your behavior… change your life. Simple, right?Unless your brain doesn't work that way…Sometimes…? Research… Ain’t.How could COGNITIVE Behavioral Therapy not be inappropriate for autistics?Research Problem #1. It's based on studying neurotypical populations. But we autistics think differently by definition.Problem #2? For the foundational studies, CBT researchers used white, university student subjects… for the most part. They're easy and cheap to find. But maybe 3% are autistic? Maybe? ALL with decent IQs and functioning student skills… even the few autistic subjects?And Problem #3 is a doozy. Many autistics survive by people-pleasing. Kids and grownups. We're likely to mask our true experiences to appear "better"... or please therapists. Plus we may have trouble perceiving and communicating our own experience. Self-reported data might not reflect our reality.,Then there's one that’s rarely discussed. Problem #4… the "waitlist relief effect." Most neurodivergent folks endure months or years waiting for therapy, suffering intensely. When we finally get accepted into therapy? There's overwhelming relief… elevating our mood and behavior. Which distorts everything a therapist will hear.We may dial up our masking. Cuz we’re scared shitless we’ll lose this lifeline.Meanwhile, researchers publish, buff their nails…. and attribute any self-reported improvement as proof their technique works.,The Cognitive Part…? A Stopper.Substitute "executive functioning" for "cognitive." As in the thing they say is largely missing from my autistic forebrain.The entire technique? One cognitive process after another.. First you must notice. Then you must reflect.Then decide.Then review.Then judge context.Then review…Finally… Act.Then regret.Let that sink in. All of cognitive therapy is about monitoring individual thoughts for "cognitive errors." Then replacing them with correct ones.Hundreds of decisions, distinctions, social cue processings. Executive functioning. A process that NEVER became automatic for me. As clinician after clinician cheerfully reassured me it would.Many autistic individuals have memory differences. Working memory differences that make it nearly impossible to hold the kind of information cognitive work requires. Much less manipulate it on the fly…Now… About Behavior.Now, the "Behavioral" part of CBT? The Skinnerian special sauce?Rewards… and punishments… for the action you choose. Hoping you’ll build automatic, correct responses.Basically rat training. If you shock me enough times. Sure. I won't go through that door. AND I will struggle mightily to only have an internal stroke... rather than an external meltdown.But the researcher... or teacher... gets to check the box, "Cured." Cuz we're no longer a nuisance to them. And we continue to quietly die. Invisibly. Politely...Inside.That kind of aversion... to fear or pain? True for every living thing at an evolutionary level above a paramecium.Like rats. Or kids. Cuz... FEAR works. PAIN works. Just not the way they think.These Practical Implementation Failures…Should sound pretty familiar. To autistic folks. Keenly aware of the nightmare effort Autistic Masking demands around Straight Society.So, look, we know masking doesn't work. Or fear. Or PAIN. We’re dying from them already.That's all the words we need.Add to this our difficulty forming new habits, maintaining routines, and processing cognitive information differently. Under stress… which therapy itself can induce… we often revert to previous behaviors. Any “improvements” from “techniques”? Not bloody likely they’re ingrained as permanent muscle memory.Requiring frequent refresher sessions to maintain the illusion of change… and progress.As one commenter wrote: "To me, CBT has always felt inherently surface-level. It's like closing a few tabs on your browser as opposed to doing a factory reset."Biggest problem of all? Neurodivergent Diversity.Autistic, ADHD, AuDHD, dyslexic, dyspraxic… all different cognitive profiles.Sure, we're all different from the typical population. But an autistic who also experiences ADHD thinks and acts differently than a dyslexic one. At least to my trained observation. I was a mental health social worker for 10 years…Despite these complexities… Maybe because it is complex… It seems to me that CBT treats us all as if we're standard-model humans. With a few bugs to fix.We require GENERATIONAL studies of representative populations to sort this spaghetti pile out. Before we should be recommending these techniques.On living humans. Adults. And especially kids.ABA and Its Relatives: An Even Deeper Hole.Applied Behavioral Analysis (ABA) deserves special mention. It's the behavioral therapy most parents hear about in grammar schools.What most don't know? ABA shares roots with debunked, torturous gay Conversion Therapy. Outlawed in many states. Both were developed by O. Ivar Lovaas in the 60s.Both aim to eliminate "undesirable" behaviors. Using “aversive” techniques. From snapping rubber bands in the nice clinics. To cattle prods in the not-so-nice facilities.Punishing and suppressing behaviors that are natural to our nervous systems. Behaviors that protect us from a society not built for us.ABA may have volumes of "data." But it’s all shaped by behaviors researchers and parents want, not what autistic children or adults need. The outcomes measured? Eye contact. Sitting still. Verbal responses. Not internal autistic wellbeing.It’s important to understand one simple point. Data is not science.How you frame your research or experiment How you gather your data How you choose how many subjects and whom When you choose to gather data How you interpret your data How you present your dataAll impact its validity and value. ABA and all its camouflaged cousins fall down on this core scientific truth.Bottom line? When former ABA children grow up, many report trauma. PTSD. Anxiety. Depression. Self-harm.ConclusionFuck #ABA. Fuck #CBT.Everybody in the therapeutic-industrial complex from clinic receptionist to billionaire pharmaceutical CEO makes money. From your kid’s pain. Caused by treatments that don't address neurodivergent needs. As far as I… and better-known neurodiversity-affirming authorities… can tell.Strong words? Yes. Because minds… and lives… are at stake.We need therapies that work WITH our neurology, not against it. That build on our strengths instead of calling us coolly, professionally, pathologizing names.In Part 3, we’ll really bring this all home. How labeling our intrinsic differences as disease is about as anti-therapeutic as you can get.We'll explore "PDA… Not Every Difference Is a Disease." And really raise a ruckus.OutroFor your deeper diving pleasure, the transcript contains references and footnotes for most points I raise. From a variety of views.Hey, don’t forget, you can download Part 1, “Autistic Resilience.” Or download both parts as one file.More coming in this series exploring how neurodivergent folks can build sustainable, authentic lives… with or without professional intervention. With 2 more parts coming…AutisticAF Out Loud podcast is supported solely by listeners like you. If you have a friend or family member touched by neurodiversity? Why not turn them on to us with a quick email?By the way, we believe no one should have to pay to be autistic. Many neurodivergent people can't afford subscription content.Your Ko-Fi tip of any amount helps keep this resource free for them. Or join our paid subscriber community at johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com for ongoing support. I put both links in description.References & Further Reading1: Ableist: Discriminating against people with disabilities by assuming everyone's mind and body work the same way. Like designing a world only for the "standard model human" and then blaming us when we can't navigate it.2: Operant conditioning: A learning process in which behavior is shaped by rewards or punishments.3: Beck, A. T. (1979). Cognitive therapy and the emotional disorders. Penguin.4: Bottema-Beutel, K., & Crowley, S. (2021). Pervasive Undisclosed Conflicts of Interest in Applied Behavior Analysis Autism Literature. Frontiers in Psychology, 12.5: Cage, E., Di Monaco, J., & Newell, V. (2018). Experiences of Autism Acceptance and Mental Health in Autistic Adults. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 48(2), 473-484.6: Masking: The act of concealing one's autistic traits to fit in or avoid negative attention.7: Meta-analyses show that waitlist control groups often overestimate the effect sizes of psychotherapies for depression and anxiety, and that changes occurring during waitlist periods are typically small, making waitlist-controlled trials a less strict test of effectiveness.Cuijpers, P., Karyotaki, E., Reijnders, M., Purgato, M., de Wit, L., Ebert, D. D., ... & Furukawa, T. A. (2024). Overestimation of the effect sizes of psychotherapies for depression in waitlist-controlled trials: a meta-analytic comparison with usual care controlled trials. Epidemiology and Psychiatric Sciences, 33, e10.8: Patterson, B., Boyle, M. H., Kivlenieks, M., & Van Ameringen, M. (2016). The use of waitlists as control conditions in anxiety disorders research. Journal of Anxiety Disorders, 41, 56-64.9: Boucher, J., Mayes, A., & Bigham, S. (2012). Memory in autistic spectrum disorder. Psychological Bulletin, 138(3), 458-496.10: Happé, F., & Frith, U. (2006). The weak coherence account: detail-focused cognitive style in autism spectrum disorders. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 36(1), 5-25.11: Rekers, G. A., & Lovaas, O. I. (1974). Behavioral treatment of deviant sex-role behaviors in a male child. Journal of Applied Behavior Analysis, 7(2), 173–190.See also: El Dewar (2024), "ABA: The Neuro-Normative Conversion Therapy," NDConnection; and the Lovaas Institute's 2024 statement regarding conversion therapy.12: Sandoval-Norton, A. H., & Shkedy, G. (2019). How much compliance is too much compliance: Is long-term ABA therapy abuse? Cogent Psychology, 6(1).13: McGill, O., & Robinson, A. (2020). "Recalling hidden harms": Autistic experiences of childhood Applied Behavioral Analysis (ABA). Advances in Autism, ahead-of-print.14: Xie, Y., Zhang, Y., Li, Y., et al. (2021). Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Autism Spectrum Disorders: A Systematic Review. Pediatrics, 147(5), e2020049880.81015: Weston, L., Hodgekins, J., & Langdon, P. E. (2016). Effectiveness of cognitive behavioural therapy with people who have autistic spectrum disorders: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Clinical Psychology Review, 49, 41-54.16: Miguel, C., Harrer, M., Cuijpers, P., et al. (2025). Self-reports vs clinician ratings of efficacies of psychotherapies for depression: a meta-analysis. Epidemiology and Psychiatric Sciences, 34, e9.Note: Links are provided for reference only. Views expressed may differ from my own experiences and observations. Sources affiliated with Autism Speaks are controversial in the neurodiversity community. Their research may be included for completeness. But perhaps be cautious.#AutisticAF Out Loud Newsletter is a reader-supported publication. Click below to receive new posts… free. To support my work, consider becoming a paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe

Cold OpenCBT…? Never worked for autistic me.So, look, we KNOW masking doesn't work. Or FEAR. Or PAIN. We’re dying from them already.That's all the words we need.[Music]IntroYou're listening to AutisticAF Out Loud. One voice. Raw. Real. Fiercely Neurodivergent. Since 1953.Season 5, Episode 6. “Doc? You Got Us All Wrong, Pt 2: CBT…? Never Worked for Autistic Me.”Abelist agendas. Bad research subjects. Bad data. Bad therapy.There’s the whole story.An experimental multi-part series… around 10 minutes each. Cuz some autistic listeners tell me they like to binge in small bites. Others say they listen in the car… so you can also download the complete series as one file.Just one autistic elder's truth. I'm Johnny Profane.Content Note: trauma discussion, medical system critique, institutional discrimination, psychiatric hospitalizations, systemic oppression + experiences & opinions of one autistic voice... in my 70s.[Music]I've been struggling with an article on CBT & Autism for years.Sigh. Spoons. A lot of reading. A lot of thinking…To come to my opinion… my thesis…that any therapy based on purely cognitive techniques… even if pros throw on some Behavioral rubber-band-snapping special sauce on the side…?It’s inherently ableist… attacking the very way our autistic brains are wired. Demanding abilities many neurodivergents just weren’t born with.Here’s a snapshot. A quick personal story from when autistic-as-fuck me turned for help…“I’m sorry… What did you just say?”“I said…” He looked nervous. “I said… I always recommend aversive therapy for my autistic kids. My clients.”Me. In a dead-cold voice. “Snapping a rubber band.”“Y-e-s-s.” He seemed torn. Was I gonna get positive reinforcement… Or that weird, hostile, defensiveness professionals get. When you ask questions.Into that hesitant silence, I say, “Snap it hard. Hard as they can. Against their wrist.”“Yes. The sting is important.” Now, he’s eager to share. “When they repeat the aversive stimulus, they…”Again I interrupt with my ashen, Clint-Eastwood voice. “During a meltdown.”“Well… actually… just before.” He’s beaming, proud. “They learn to snap the band at the earliest hint they’ll lose control. It’s operant conditioning.”A kid having a meltdown on Aisle 3. Likely overwhelmed by sensory overload.Let’s just add a little sharp pain… and see what happens…As if by giving it some science-y name… it’s not self-inflicted torture.Brief CBT BackgroundCognitive Behavioral Therapy emerged in the 60s. A kind of forced marriage. Between Beck’s cognitive therapy… focused on internal thoughts. And Skinner’s behavioral therapy… focused on observable behavior. Both developed studying neurotypical minds.Change your thoughts, change your feelings, change your behavior… change your life. Simple, right?Unless your brain doesn't work that way…Sometimes…? Research… Ain’t.How could COGNITIVE Behavioral Therapy not be inappropriate for autistics?Research Problem #1. It's based on studying neurotypical populations. But we autistics think differently by definition.Problem #2? For the foundational studies, CBT researchers used white, university student subjects… for the most part. They're easy and cheap to find. But maybe 3% are autistic? Maybe? ALL with decent IQs and functioning student skills… even the few autistic subjects?And Problem #3 is a doozy. Many autistics survive by people-pleasing. Kids and grownups. We're likely to mask our true experiences to appear "better"... or please therapists. Plus we may have trouble perceiving and communicating our own experience. Self-reported data might not reflect our reality.,Then there's one that’s rarely discussed. Problem #4… the "waitlist relief effect." Most neurodivergent folks endure months or years waiting for therapy, suffering intensely. When we finally get accepted into therapy? There's overwhelming relief… elevating our mood and behavior. Which distorts everything a therapist will hear.We may dial up our masking. Cuz we’re scared shitless we’ll lose this lifeline.Meanwhile, researchers publish, buff their nails…. and attribute any self-reported improvement as proof their technique works.The Cognitive Part…? A Stopper.Substitute "executive functioning" for "cognitive." As in the thing they say is largely missing from my autistic forebrain.The entire technique? One cognitive process after another.. First you must notice. Then you must reflect.Then decide.Then review.Then judge context.Then review…Finally… Act.Then regret.Let that sink in. All of cognitive therapy is about monitoring individual thoughts for "cognitive errors." Then replacing them with correct ones.Hundreds of decisions, distinctions, social cue processings. Executive functioning. A process that NEVER became automatic for me. As clinician after clinician cheerfully reassured me it would.Many autistic individuals have memory differences. Working memory differences that make it nearly impossible to hold the kind of information cognitive work requires. Much less manipulate it on the fly…Now… About Behavior.Now, the "Behavioral" part of CBT? The Skinnerian special sauce?Rewards… and punishments… for the action you choose. Hoping you’ll build automatic, correct responses.Basically rat training. If you shock me enough times. Sure. I won't go through that door. AND I will struggle mightily to only have an internal stroke... rather than an external meltdown.But the researcher... or teacher... gets to check the box, "Cured." Cuz we're no longer a nuisance to them. And we continue to quietly die. Invisibly. Politely...Inside.That kind of aversion... to fear or pain? True for every living thing at an evolutionary level above a paramecium.Like rats. Or kids. Cuz... FEAR works. PAIN works. Just not the way they think.These Practical Implementation Failures…Should sound pretty familiar. To autistic folks. Keenly aware of the nightmare effort Autistic Masking demands around Straight Society.So, look, we know masking doesn't work. Or fear. Or PAIN. We’re dying from them already.That's all the words we need.Add to this our difficulty forming new habits, maintaining routines, and processing cognitive information differently. Under stress… which therapy itself can induce… we often revert to previous behaviors. Any “improvements” from “techniques”? Not bloody likely they’re ingrained as permanent muscle memory.Requiring frequent refresher sessions to maintain the illusion of change… and progress.As one commenter wrote: "To me, CBT has always felt inherently surface-level. It's like closing a few tabs on your browser as opposed to doing a factory reset."Biggest problem of all? Neurodivergent Diversity.Autistic, ADHD, AuDHD, dyslexic, dyspraxic… all different cognitive profiles.Sure, we're all different from the typical population. But an autistic who also experiences ADHD thinks and acts differently than a dyslexic one. At least to my trained observation. I was a mental health social worker for 10 years…Despite these complexities… Maybe because it is complex… It seems to me that CBT treats us all as if we're standard-model humans. With a few bugs to fix.We require GENERATIONAL studies of representative populations to sort this spaghetti pile out. Before we should be recommending these techniques.On living humans. Adults. And especially kids.ABA and Its Relatives: An Even Deeper Hole.Applied Behavioral Analysis (ABA) deserves special mention. It's the behavioral therapy most parents hear about in grammar schools.What most don't know? ABA shares roots with debunked, torturous gay Conversion Therapy. Outlawed in many states. Both were developed by O. Ivar Lovaas in the 60s.Both aim to eliminate "undesirable" behaviors. Using “aversive” techniques. From snapping rubber bands in the nice clinics. To cattle prods in the not-so-nice facilities.Punishing and suppressing behaviors that are natural to our nervous systems. Behaviors that protect us from a society not built for us.ABA may have volumes of "data." But it’s all shaped by behaviors researchers and parents want, not what autistic children or adults need. The outcomes measured? Eye contact. Sitting still. Verbal responses. Not internal autistic wellbeing.It’s important to understand one simple point. Data is not science.How you frame your research or experiment How you gather your data How you choose how many subjects and whom When you choose to gather data How you interpret your data How you present your dataAll impact its validity and value. ABA and all its camouflaged cousins fall down on this core scientific truth.Bottom line? When former ABA children grow up, many report trauma. PTSD. Anxiety. Depression. Self-harm.ConclusionFuck #ABA. Fuck #CBT.Everybody in the therapeutic-industrial complex from clinic receptionist to billionaire pharmaceutical CEO makes money. From your kid’s pain. Caused by treatments that don't address neurodivergent needs. As far as I… and better-known neurodiversity-affirming authorities… can tell.Strong words? Yes. Because minds… and lives… are at stake.We need therapies that work WITH our neurology, not against it. That build on our strengths instead of calling us coolly, professionally, pathologizing names.In Part 3, we’ll really bring this all home. How labeling our intrinsic differences as disease is about as anti-therapeutic as you can get.We'll explore "PDA… Not Every Difference Is a Disease." And really raise a ruckus.OutroFor your deeper diving pleasure, the transcript contains references and footnotes for most points I raise. From a variety of views.Hey, don’t forget, you can download Part 1, “Autistic Resilience.” Or download both parts as one file.More coming in this series exploring how neurodivergent folks can build sustainable, authentic lives… with or without professional intervention. With 2 more parts coming…AutisticAF Out Loud podcast is supported solely by listeners like you. If you have a friend or family member touched by neurodiversity? Why not turn them on to us with a quick email?By the way, we believe no one should have to pay to be autistic. Many neurodivergent people can't afford subscription content.Your Ko-Fi tip of any amount helps keep this resource free for them. Or join our paid subscriber community at johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com for ongoing support. I put both links in description.References & Further Reading1: Ableist: Discriminating against people with disabilities by assuming everyone's mind and body work the same way. Like designing a world only for the "standard model human" and then blaming us when we can't navigate it.2: Operant conditioning: A learning process in which behavior is shaped by rewards or punishments.3: Beck, A. T. (1979). Cognitive therapy and the emotional disorders. Penguin.4: Bottema-Beutel, K., & Crowley, S. (2021). Pervasive Undisclosed Conflicts of Interest in Applied Behavior Analysis Autism Literature. Frontiers in Psychology, 12.5: Cage, E., Di Monaco, J., & Newell, V. (2018). Experiences of Autism Acceptance and Mental Health in Autistic Adults. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 48(2), 473-484.6: Masking: The act of concealing one's autistic traits to fit in or avoid negative attention.7: Meta-analyses show that waitlist control groups often overestimate the effect sizes of psychotherapies for depression and anxiety, and that changes occurring during waitlist periods are typically small, making waitlist-controlled trials a less strict test of effectiveness.Cuijpers, P., Karyotaki, E., Reijnders, M., Purgato, M., de Wit, L., Ebert, D. D., ... & Furukawa, T. A. (2024). Overestimation of the effect sizes of psychotherapies for depression in waitlist-controlled trials: a meta-analytic comparison with usual care controlled trials. Epidemiology and Psychiatric Sciences, 33, e10.8: Patterson, B., Boyle, M. H., Kivlenieks, M., & Van Ameringen, M. (2016). The use of waitlists as control conditions in anxiety disorders research. Journal of Anxiety Disorders, 41, 56-64.9: Boucher, J., Mayes, A., & Bigham, S. (2012). Memory in autistic spectrum disorder. Psychological Bulletin, 138(3), 458-496.10: Happé, F., & Frith, U. (2006). The weak coherence account: detail-focused cognitive style in autism spectrum disorders. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 36(1), 5-25.11: Rekers, G. A., & Lovaas, O. I. (1974). Behavioral treatment of deviant sex-role behaviors in a male child. Journal of Applied Behavior Analysis, 7(2), 173–190.See also: El Dewar (2024), "ABA: The Neuro-Normative Conversion Therapy," NDConnection; and the Lovaas Institute's 2024 statement regarding conversion therapy.12: Sandoval-Norton, A. H., & Shkedy, G. (2019). How much compliance is too much compliance: Is long-term ABA therapy abuse? Cogent Psychology, 6(1).13: McGill, O., & Robinson, A. (2020). "Recalling hidden harms": Autistic experiences of childhood Applied Behavioral Analysis (ABA). Advances in Autism, ahead-of-print.14: Xie, Y., Zhang, Y., Li, Y., et al. (2021). Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Autism Spectrum Disorders: A Systematic Review. Pediatrics, 147(5), e2020049880.81015: Weston, L., Hodgekins, J., & Langdon, P. E. (2016). Effectiveness of cognitive behavioural therapy with people who have autistic spectrum disorders: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Clinical Psychology Review, 49, 41-54.16: Miguel, C., Harrer, M., Cuijpers, P., et al. (2025). Self-reports vs clinician ratings of efficacies of psychotherapies for depression: a meta-analysis. Epidemiology and Psychiatric Sciences, 34, e9.Note: Links are provided for reference only. Views expressed may differ from my own experiences and observations. Sources affiliated with Autism Speaks are controversial in the neurodiversity community. Their research may be included for completeness. But perhaps be cautious.Binge on the most authentic autistic voice in podcasting.7 decades of raw truth, real insights, zero yadayada.#AutisticAF Out Loud Newsletter is a reader-supported publication. Click below to receive new posts… free. Tosupport my work, consider becoming a paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe

Cold OpenYou wanna pathologize me? Knock yerself out. Faithfully counting every leaf marked "deficit"…But missing the whole damn forest we know locally as "Survival."IntroYou're listening to AutisticAF Out Loud. One voice. Raw. Real. Fiercely Neurodivergent. Since 1953.Season 5, Episode 5. “Doc? You Got Us All Wrong, Pt 1: Autistic Resilience.”Deficits… or strengths? Survival… or thriving? Pathology… or inborn, natural autistic behavior? We turn the diagnostic telescope around. Let’s focus on the forest of resilience behind every leaf labeled "deficit."An experimental multi-part series… all around 10 minutes. Because some neurodivergent listeners like to binge in small bites. Or you can download Part 1 and Part 2 at once… for listeners who crave the whole enchilada in one sitting.Just one autistic elder's truth. I'm Johnny Profane.Content Note: trauma discussion, medical system critique, institutional discrimination, psychiatric hospitalizations, systemic oppression + experiences & opinions of one autistic voice... in my 70s.[Music]What I tell any therapist… any caregiver… first session:I have survived physical and sexual abuse from family and schoolmates.Bullying by teachers and fellow students… 2nd grade through high school.Multiple professional crashes… in multiple careers.At least a dozen firings.2 evictions.1 bankruptcy.Dozens of major household moves.Few friends, and…2 divorces, 3 "living togethers," and a couple of "serious" relationships that, well…, weren't?Ain't this resilience?Resilience. Ya know, that cap-and-gown term pros use for getting knocked down seven times. Stubbornly getting up… eight...I'm still alive. Still creating. Still getting published. Still speaking to thousands of autistics a year.Never attempted suicide... despite three hospitalizations.AND I'm still autistic. Cuz there ain't no cure for something that ain't wrong. Unless you base your "medical model" on some statistical "normal"… which is just a made up story. Cuz not one living person is summed up by a Bell curve normal… not even within a standard deviation.Yes, yes… yes. Some professionals are evolving. Pros who listen more than lecture. But face it. In the grand scheme of things… they’re rare.Let's get clear right now, right here. It's not being autistic that creates our trauma. It's living autistic in a society that inflicts trauma on us. Refusing to accept, adapt… support… us.Why do "helping" pros focus on my deficits, my lacks, my pitiful performance of “Activities of Daily Living”…? Like, did I shower today…? No.Rather than the sheer strength of will I demonstrate every time I take my next breath?Why do they offer to fix me,inform me,guide me, andcharge me for sessions,mentoring,workshops,best-selling books,SYSTEMS they've just invented…based on… at best… incomplete research?[Music]You know social media… if you like and share this podcast, a lot more people will check it out. You can do a lot of good with just one click.You wanna pathologize me? Knock yerself out.Turn my every inborn neurodivergent characteristic into a disease. You do have powerful diagnostic tools…But you're looking through that diagnostic telescope backwards. Faithfully counting every leaf marked "deficit"… But missing the whole damn forest that we know locally as "Survival."Like my "failure to maintain eye contact.” A “social deficit.” Right... completely missing how that survival skill lets me process your words… without painful sensory overload. My form of my respect… for you.Go ahead and use professionally, objectively disempowering terms, like "comorbidity"... betraying your bias that my very way of Being is… in your eyes… a disease. And then riff on, elaborate away: "pathological demand avoidance," "obsessive-compulsive disorder," "borderline personality disorder,"And on and on… and on.Truth? Every diagnosis? Just another survival mechanism. Not symptoms of autism. Responses to how society treats autism.Behaviors that kept me alive… in your world. While you obsess over what's "wrong" with me…Or… we could build on my autistic strengths.Look, none of us have all of these. And superpowers don’t exist. Some have strengths not listed. But if you aren’t looking for them? Likely, you’re mis-treating us.* Resilience: Just surviving multiple, severe stressors is a biggie. Every autistic adult you meet has adapted to extreme challenges. Most of us… traumatized. Yet we endure. We integrate. We keep going.* Deep Feeling: Pros call ‘em "mood swings." We call it feeling everything… deeply. Depth that drives our creativity… in science, art, writing, becoming lunatic billionaires… or the cool neighbor next door.. It's not a flaw. It's fuel.* Survival Skills: My life, my continued existence… is my proof. Just as any autistic adult's life is. We've survived devastating life events. With inner strength and coping strategies.These aren't skills most professionals understand… not even some neurodivergent practitioners. Because these skills are linked to how our individual autistic minds work. Which is… in fact… different. Not just from most humans. From each other, too.* Creative Persistence: Every autistic person knows this pull. Our passionate focus on our interests. Grabbing us deeper than hunger. We don't just see details… no matter what TV tells you. We work on wide canvases. We create. We build. We solve. That's strength.* Living with Extremes: My knee surgeon was shocked. "You walked two miles a day on a torn meniscus?" Yes, but… a light touch on my face can trigger panic. That's not contradiction. That's how we survive. We may get sensory warnings earlier than most… Yet we handle what breaks others. Daily.* Hidden Adaptability: Look at my life changes—jobs, homes, relationships. Society labels us as "rigid." Truth is, we adapt constantly. We got no choice. Yet we persevere. We keep doing. That's not weakness. That's strength.* Processing Power: We take in everything. Process it deeply. Yet live through emotional and sensory experiences that would derail most people. We keep going. Keep growing. That's not dysfunction. That's determination. Coming directly from… not despite… our neurodivergent cognition.* Spectrum of Strength: Maybe resilience is a spectrum, too. And some of us autistics crank it up past 11. Not weakness from disability. Strength from difference. Turning autistic stereotypes upside down. Yet again.[Music]Just a quickie… this is Part 1 of “Doc? You Got Autism All Wrong?” Why not binge the next part? Or download the long-form version with both parts? Link in transcript.Challenging Normal-izing ModelsMy story? Just one among thousands. Millions.I've worked as a magazine publisher. Functioned as an academic grad student… multiple times. And been homeless… multiple times. I've been privileged to hear many, many similar stories over the decades. At all levels of society, education, age.These stories all share one truth: Autistic traits are not inherently deficits. They can be hidden sources of strength and resilience. In the right environment. In the right community.Take one example: Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA). What pros like to label our natural, neurodivergent response to external demands like deadlines. I meet the diagnostic criteria. Always have. But in my opinion, they bulldoze right over my inborn need for autonomy. Leading too often to trauma. PDA… seems to me… a dehumanizing slur. For the nature I was born with.Yet many neurodivergents find comfort and support diagnosed as PDA. In the acknowledgment of our differences the diagnosis does offer. I don’t wish to negate their experience. And I’m not arguing neurodivergents do NOT have needs for autonomy. Or that we don't suffer due to these differences. At the hands of Straight Culture.My point: Sensory and social differences are NOT pathologies.It's like dogs noticing that cats are more hyper than canines...So to "help" ‘em, pro dogs decide to forcibly train or torture every cat. To steamroll them into converting to “Dog Normal.”We are human… autistic humans.We need what all humans need: To build on our strengths. To find our nurturing environments. To choose our supportive communities.We just accomplish these things... differently.Look, I'm fighting the whole Normative Narrative. Which demands any difference MUST be "cured." Or at least fixed.And I’m not keen on neurodivergent-based attempts to bandaid the problem. By simply defining a new normal for autistics and other neurodivergents. Just another standard we may fail to live up to.Frankly, I'm calling for a strengths-based, non-normative psychology for all neurodivergents. A theme I develop in this series and future podcasts. How we might replace CBT and similar treatments with more neurodivergent-centered alternatives.So where do we start this revolution?Doc, Stop. Look again…At the big picture this time. See those brilliant sparks of unusual strength? Far more powerful than your "deficits."Reality check: Up to now, you've just been documenting how modern consumer culture fails our neurology. In the office. In our schools. In shopping at freaking Walmart for fuck's sake.Anywhere we’re forced to process too much sensory input. Or pretend to read invisible social cues. Pretend we’re you… without rest or accommodation.Let’s explore a new direction. Simply put?Doc… stop looking through your telescope backwards. Look at us. Right in front of your eyes.OutroThanks for listening. Hope to hear your thoughts in the comments.For your deeper diving pleasure, the transcript contains references and footnotes for most points I raise. From a variety of views.Hey, don’t forget, you can download Part 2, "CBT...? Never Worked for Autistic Me” right now for your bingeing pleasure. Or download both parts in one podcast. Together they begin to explore how neurodivergent folks can build sustainable, authentic lives… with or without professional intervention. With 2 more parts coming…AutisticAF Out Loud podcast is supported solely by listeners like you. If you have a friend or family member touched by neurodiversity? Why not turn them on to us with a quick email?By the way, we believe no one should have to pay to be autistic. Many neurodivergent people can't afford subscription content.Your Ko-Fi tip of any amount helps keep this resource free for them. Or join our paid subscriber community at johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com for ongoing support. I put both links in description._____References & Further ReadingNeither exhaustive nor comprehensive. Articles that made me think.* The high prevalence of trauma and adverse experiences among autistic individuals* PTSD and Autism* Trauma and Autism: Research and Resources* How to build resiliency in autistic individuals: an implication to advance mental health* Association Between Autism and PTSD Among Adult Psychiatric Outpatients* The relationship between autism and resilience* Building Resilience – An Important Life Skill* Understanding Resilience in Neurodivergent Adults* Autistic Resilience: Overcoming Adversity Through Self-Care and Strengths* The criticism of deficit-based models of autism* Moving Beyond Deficit-Based Models of Autism* Strengths-First Assessment in Autism* The reality of autistic strengths and capabilities* 6 Strengths (not Weaknesses) of Individuals with Autism* Autism as a Strength* Neurodiversity as a Competitive AdvantageNote: Links are provided for reference only. Views expressed may differ from my own experiences and observations. Sources affiliated with Autism Speaks are controversial in the neurodiversity community. Their research may be included for completeness. But perhaps be cautious.Binge on the most authentic autistic voice in podcasting.7 decades of raw truth, real insights, zero yadayada.#AutisticAF Out Loud Newsletter is a reader-supported publication. Click below to receive new posts… free. To support my work, consider becoming a paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe

Cold Open [into silence]Friend, I haven't done this before. Usually I talk autism & neurodiversity with you. But I'm very concerned about events unfolding this weekend...I've seen these patterns emerge before. In other countries. Authoritarian countries¹.I have no plan of action to suggest. It's happening too fast for me to process… in my slow, deep AuDHD² way.All I could think to do… is share my concerns with friends who care.[Music 8 bars]IntroWelcome to Trigger Warnings… a new project of AutisticAF Out Loud podcast.I'm Johnny Profane. Your fiercely divergent guide to what's actually happening in the news.Gimme 10 minutes? I'll give you my neurodivergent world.Today: Military deployments in two cities, legal challenges mounting, and one burning question: Are we witnessing democratic norms under assault in real time?For an ever deeper dive, I’ve included footnotes and further reading in the transcript on subStack.Content Note: civil unrest, military deployment, law enforcement actions, concerns about democratic institutions + experiences & opinions of one autistic voice... in my 70s.PodcastFriend,I haven't done this before. Usually I talk autism & neurodiversity with you.But I'm very concerned about events unfolding this weekend... and a fair number of you have asked for my neurodivergent take on larger national & global issues.So, after thinking long & hard... about risks.. I still must share.This weekend, federal agents raided workplaces across Los Angeles County. They arrested 121 people³.Protests followed. Police responded with tear gas⁴ & rubber bullets against demonstrators⁵.On Saturday, President Trump deployed 2,000 National Guard⁶ troops to Los Angeles County. On questionable Constitutional grounds⁷. As the Supreme Court recessed.His administration called the protests an "insurrection⁸." And threatened to deploy Marines⁹.At the same time, Washington D.C. is filling with military equipment.7 million pounds of hardware¹⁰.28 tanks. 70 tons each¹¹.Rocket launchers.7,000 military personnel¹².This equipment arrived by train from Texas. It now sits near the National Mall¹³.Officials say this is for an Army anniversary parade celebrating Trump's birthday¹⁴.The largest military display in the capital in decades.These events happen as Trump faces significant legal challenges. Courts have blocked over 180 of his administration's initiatives¹⁵.Governor Newsom called the Los Angeles deployment "purposefully inflammatory." He said it would "escalate tensions¹⁶."[Music 8 bars… overlapping 4 second break in speech]I find the timing troubling.Military force against protesters in one city. Unprecedented massive military assets staged in the capital. Simultaneous with significant legal pressure & civil unrest.All within 72-hours.These are documented facts. They concern me deeply.I've seen these patterns emerge before. In other countries. Authoritarian countries.False crises involving vulnerable targets… like migrants… as victims. Used as a fig leaf for declaring martial law¹⁷.I have no plan of action to suggest. It's happening too fast for me to process… in my slow, deep AuDHD way.All I could think to do… is share my concerns with friends who care.Maybe you too?[Music 8 bars]OutroTrigger Warnings is a new project of AutisticAF Out Loud. Reporting on real-world issues, from a neurodivergent perspective.We often recognize patterns others miss. In times like these, that perspective? Essential.If this podcast resonates, share it. The more the world hears neurodivergent voices, the greater my hopes for our future.We believe no one should have to pay to be autistic. Many neurodivergent people can't afford subscription content.Your Ko-Fi tip of any amount helps keep this resource free for them.Or join our paid subscriber community at johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com for ongoing support. Links in description.A big shoutout to my wife, Kimmie, for her great song, Freedom Blvd. That link is in the description, too.[Music]help.Binge on the most authentic autistic voice in podcasting.7 decades of raw truth, real insights, zero yadayada.#AutisticAF Out Loud Newsletter is a reader-supported publication. Click to receive new posts free. To support my work, consider becoming a paid subscriber.FootnotesEducational Context¹ Authoritarian countries: Nations where power is concentrated in a single leader or small group, often characterized by limited political freedoms, restricted civil liberties, and the use of military force to control civilian populations.² AuDHD: A term combining ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) and autism, used by people who are both autistic and have ADHD. Many neurodivergent individuals process information more slowly but with greater depth and pattern recognition.³ 121 people arrested: Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) conducted multiple workplace raids across Los Angeles County on Friday, June 6, 2025. ICE officially reported 44 administrative arrests at three locations during Friday operations, with the total reaching 121 across the broader week-long operation. Sources: Al Jazeera, Los Angeles Times, CBS Los Angeles, Times of India⁴ Tear gas: Chemical compounds that cause temporary irritation to eyes, nose, mouth and lungs, used by law enforcement for crowd control. Federal agents and LAPD used tear gas, flash-bang grenades, and pepper spray against protesters gathering outside federal buildings where detained individuals were being processed. Sources: Al Jazeera, New York Times, ABC News, NBC Los Angeles⁵ Rubber bullets and police response: Less-lethal ammunition designed to incapacitate rather than kill, though they can cause serious injuries. Federal law enforcement and LAPD officers in riot gear used rubber bullets, pepper balls, and flash-bang grenades to disperse crowds protesting immigration raids. Sources: ABC News, NBC Los Angeles, Sky News, USA Today⁶ National Guard: Part-time military forces that normally serve under state governor authority but can be federalized by the president. Trump deployed 2,000 California National Guard troops to Los Angeles without Governor Newsom's request - the first such federalization without governor consent since 1965. Sources: Reuters, New York Times, Washington Post⁷ Constitutional grounds: Trump invoked Section 12406 of Title 10 U.S. Code, which allows federal deployment when there is "invasion, rebellion, or inability to execute federal law." Legal scholars debate whether immigration protests constitute legitimate grounds for this rare federal override of state authority. Sources: New York Times, Washington Post, Steve Vladeck Legal Analysis⁸ "Insurrection" declaration: The Trump administration characterized Los Angeles protests as an "insurrection" to justify military deployment. White House Deputy Chief of Staff Stephen Miller used this term, though legal experts question whether immigration protests meet the historical definition of insurrection. Sources: Times of India, Mother Jones⁹ Marines threat: Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth stated that active-duty Marines at Camp Pendleton were "on high alert" and could be deployed "if violence continues." This would represent a significant escalation beyond National Guard deployment to using active military forces against civilians. Sources: Los Angeles Times, USA Today, ReutersMilitary Hardware Documentation¹⁰ 7 million pounds of hardware: The Army's 250th anniversary parade features approximately 7 million pounds of military equipment being transported by train from Fort Cavazos, Texas to the Washington D.C. area for the June 14, 2025 celebration. Sources: CNN, The Hill, The Morning News¹¹ 28 tanks, 70 tons each: The parade includes 28 M1A1 Abrams tanks, each weighing approximately 70 tons (140,000 pounds). These main battle tanks are equipped with 120mm smoothbore cannons and represent America's primary armored fighting vehicle. Sources: CNN, The Hill, Stars and Stripes, Reuters¹² 7,000 military personnel: Approximately 6,600-7,000 soldiers from various states are participating in the parade and festival, with over 150 vehicles and 50 aircraft involved in the celebration. Sources: Associated Press, The Hill, Reuters, Army Aviation Heritage Foundation¹³ Equipment near National Mall: Military vehicles and equipment are staged in West Potomac Park adjacent to the National Mall, with steel plates being laid on roads to protect infrastructure during the parade route along Constitution Avenue. Sources: CNN, The Morning News¹⁴ Army anniversary and Trump's birthday: The U.S. Army's 250th anniversary (established June 14, 1775) coincides exactly with President Trump's 79th birthday on June 14, 2025. Army officials state the anniversary celebration was planned independently, with the parade component added at Trump's request. Sources: Associated Press, Reuters, Washington tourism guideLegal and Political Context¹⁵ 180+ court blocks: As of June 6, 2025, federal courts have issued at least 180 rulings temporarily blocking Trump administration initiatives, representing an unprecedented level of judicial pushback against executive actions in the first months of his second term. Sources: New York Times Legal Tracker, USA Today, Fox News¹⁶ Newsom's statements: California Governor Gavin Newsom called Trump's National Guard deployment "purposefully inflammatory" and warned it would "escalate tensions." He formally requested the withdrawal of federal troops, calling the deployment a "serious breach of state sovereignty." Sources: Politico, Reuters, Deadline¹⁷ Martial law: The temporary replacement of civilian government with military authority, typically declared during emergencies. While Trump has not formally declared martial law, legal experts note the military deployment patterns and rhetoric raise concerns about potential steps toward military control of civilian areas. Sources: ACLU Analysis, Steve Vladeck Legal Commentary This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe

Cold Open (into silence)You love Dune? Like me?Frank Herbert is dead... wrong.Fear is NOT the mind-killer. Denial is.[Music ]IntroYou're listening to AutisticAF Out Loud. One voice. Raw. Real. Fiercely Neurodivergent. Since 1953.Season 5, Episode 5. Attacks on neurodivergence, facing our fears, finding our strength. Today we're talking threats, resistance, and the power of a hundred million voices. Just one autistic elder's truth. I'm Johnny Profane.Content Note: political violence, eugenics, genocide, institutionalized discrimination, systemic oppression + experiences & opinions of one autistic voice... in my 70s.[Music]You love Dune? Like me?Frank Herbert is dead... wrong.Fear is NOT the mind-killer. Denial is.I must honor my fear.Fear is my guardian. My junkyard dog. My screaming siren.Fear is the warning of annihilation. It must be heeded.I will embrace my fear. Then share its wisdom.I will let it flow through me. Become purpose & strength.And when we have acted? I will remember… its lessons.Where the Beast of Fear once stood, we will now stand.We will abide. Stronger for having feared… then acted… Together.Trust me. I know a lot about fear. I’m autistic. ADHD, too. In my 70s.Living in dangerous times in America. And we got a lot more to fear… than fear itself.[Music]Hey... you know how this works. If this resonates, now might be a good time to like, share… maybe text a link to a friend. Really helps get the word out.Trump administration identifies Autism & ADHD as "dire threats to the American people."Some folks called this headline hyperbole. Click-bait exaggeration. To my face. With hostility. Calling out what they see as “fear-mongering.”One fellow autist on LinkedIn really tore me a new one along those lines. Tried to anyways. I got a bit strong on her ass… So she blocked me. Exercising her denial.But this is how it starts.The White House labeled us a "dire threat." Not as evil actors, but based on our condition… our existence itself. Autism as a "dire threat." Not a difference.Then throwing out a gratuitous observation... “77% of young adults do not qualify for the military based in larger part on their health scores.” (Full Whitehouse.gov post.)As if that is how America now measures the value of our lives. As cannon fodder. As if there aren’t now… and haven’t been throughout history… Neurodivergent warriors.Demonizing all the disabled. All the Different. As if we are the ones destroying America.I'm struggling. I'm terrified...Even knowing that cruel terror is their purpose. Didn't help watching Man in the High Castle lately. The scene where ashes are falling because they're cremating the old and defective...I'm toast.About 1:43 in the YouTube linked in text.{video clip in text}This terror? Not just my personal problem. We neurodivergents ain’t a small marginalized group. The numbers tell a bigger story:* About 30 million Americans have direct family ties to an autistic person* Roughly another 30 million have cousins or close relatives who are autistic* 60 million. That's 1 in 6 Americans with close autistic connectionsBut we're just getting started. Add in ADHD, even accounting for overlap between conditions, the numbers become staggering:* 69 million Americans have immediate family members affected* 75 million have extended family affected* Nearly 1 in 4 American families impactedWithout considering the millions of families affected by other disabilities.All these figures are back of the envelope. Conservative estimates from current prevalence rates. No formal research exists yet on these numbers. But the truth is clear…We're talking 1 in 4 American families?Let that sink in.When do we stop seeing these numbers as statistics? And start seeing the faces of neighbors. Your friends. Your loved ones?When are we ready to stand together?Even if they don't round us all up right away…They’re already killing education programs. For Autism, ADHD, intellectual disability, speech, hearing, vision, physical disabilities…Personally I’m secretly pleased to see torturous ABA-based programs unfunded. Applied Behavioral Analysis forces change on helpless autistic children. Screw that noise.But caring parents across the nation? They want support for their kids. They’re showing up at Town Halls. Getting loud about these recent cuts. Expressing fear and anger. Hurting kids cuts deep. And wide.Worse yet? Over 80% of us autistics are unemployed or underemployed. Think about it. That means killing our Medicaid, Medicare, Social Security, Food Stamps, Housing, etc.That’s institutionalized Economic violence. A soft means of killing us off. And Soft Genocide is the deadliest kind. It goes unnoticed. Unmourned.But, hey, it's not only lost benefits I'm worried about.Underlying many of Trump's policies?Turn over a rock on most? You’ll find the sinister grin of “Eugenics” staring up at you. That debunked, unscientific program to improve human “breeding stock.” By terminating the reproduction of “Undesirables.”By any means necessary. Isolation, deportation, starvation, illness, violence, death. Just like Nazi Germany, against all disabilities. Libertarian Survival of the Fittest. At its finest.Ayn Rand would be so proud. “Meritocracy” my ass…Denial begins with dismissal. Violence begins with hate speech.Notice the subtle, insidious damage done here. Labeling neurodivergence and other differences as "dire threats." That may be the most dangerous aspect of this White House publication.Like they weaponized Disability, Equity & Inclusion (DEI) through propaganda.It’s how it starts. The slow slide to genocide. We've seen this before. The marginalization of minorities."Do you want a BLIND person at the FAA?“Would you trust a PARALYZED person holding your life in their hands?""Do you see a WOMAN on the front lines… defending you? A transgender?”"How about an IMMIGRANT raping your daughter?”Mockery becomes hate speech.Becomes mass hatred.Becomes normalized violence.It's right there in the authoritarian… even Fascist… playbook. Now? It’s The American Way.First, we're other.Then, we're less than human.A burden.A danger.Finally…A targetFor violence.And hate crimes against Americans with disabilities have risen 29.5% over the last five years. As American political discourse has darkened.See what I mean?Can we turn our horror into action?The very point of these propaganda tactics is terror.Threatening humans’ income, medical care, housing… lives? That’s terrorism.How can we possibly fight our fear becoming terror?This may encourage you. The sheer number of American families. Who are seeing their loved ones threatened.A 100 million... or more... affected American disabled families? I believe we can raise a decent reaction. If we act together.I’ve proven over and over again in my life I’m no leader. Executive functioning? Hell, I struggle to find topic sentences. Decisions over local action, political organization, resistance demonstrations? Beyond me.So I’m not about to create some Neurodivergent Justice League or anything.But one thing that someone like me can do? That is positive? Put a human face on suffering. Without spinning toxic positivity.You may disagree. I understand. Nevertheless?I have value. And this warning has merit. It can gather a crowd. Maybe more capable folks who can run with it.YET… There are 4 things we can do right now to effect change:* Share this warning. With friends. With government representatives. Make it visible. Make it heard.* Join the conversation below in comments. Your story matters. Your voice counts.* Connect with organizations already fighting this fight. They need our numbers. And maybe most important…* Create a mutual support network. Might be neighbors who check in with each other. Or more… shared travel, shopping together, mutual defense. A small community of choice.Fear is not the enemy…Fear is the Dance of Shiva, baby. When that Hindu god becomes the “Destroyer of Worlds" in the famous Oppenheimer quote. His flashing feet destroying the illusion of denial.Invoking a new creation.Feel your fear.Ride it.DO somethingWith its strength.Together, maybe… just may be...We can destroy ignorance. Make something… new.We must honor our fear.Then act. Together.OutroIn coming weeks, we'll challenge the medical model of autism, with an episode called, "CBT...? Never Worked for Autistic Me." Why? Part of a series on how neurodivergent individuals can build sustainable, authentic lives - with or without professional intervention.AutisticAF Out Loud podcast is supported solely by listeners like you. Know a friend or family member with a sincere interest in neurodiversity? Please consider emailing this episode to them.We believe no one should have to pay to be autistic. Many neurodivergent people can't afford subscription content.Your Ko-Fi tip of any amount helps keep this resource free for them.Or join our paid subscriber community at johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com for ongoing support. Link in description.#AutisticAF Out Loud Newsletter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts enjoy a free subscription. To support my work, consider becoming a paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe

Cold OpenI was not born to be pitied. I was born to raise Hell. Autistic style.IntroYou’re listening to AutisticAF Out Loud. One voice. Raw. Real. Fiercely Neurodivergent. Since 1953.Season 5, Episode 4. Breaking mirrors, dancing at the edge of noise, raising autistic hell. Autism, Neurodiversity, 3 Poems... and 3 Rando Manifestos. Just one autistic elder's truth. I'm Johnny Profane.Content Note: trauma, sexual assault, self-harm, rage, transformative therapy moments + experiences & opinions of one autistic voice… 71.[Music]1953.Manifesto #1I was Born Autistic. Not to be Fixed…I'm autistic. Born 1953.I was not a product of a vaccine.I was not a product of a disease. Mental or physical.I was not a mistake. Genetic or epigenetic.I was not born to be fixed by CBT, pill or chip.I was not born to be pitied.I was born to raise Hell. Autistic style.[Music]The static never stops.Poem #1Dancing Close to the Edge of the Noise#AskingAuDHDists…bear with me a minute.I'm autistic+ADHD.71.i feel likea brilliant creative soulas if…trapped in a damaged body& neurologytrying to communicatewith the worldthrough an intermittentlyshort-circuiting transistor radioplaying through static& the distortion& sparking circuits…to just be heard.do you understand at all what I mean?#ActuallyAutistic #ADHD #ReallyAuDHD[Music]Sometimes? The mask slips…Poem #2AFTER THE SECRETI have strengths.Not one is my superpower.I have challenges.Not one is my kryptonite.I'm that kid in third gradeDrop drop DroppingA mysterious blue crystalInto that test tube—Squealing in delightEvery time it explodes…In purple streams.I love cosplay.But I don’t have to flyWear a maskOr sport a capeTo be autistic.Still…I get to be the heroor bald evil geniusof my own life.[Music]Neurodivergent life… twists different.Manifesto #2My Autistic Life: Mebbe a Little Zelig. Mebbe a Bit Forest Gump. But All Me.Sharing our Neurodivergent stories is powerful.I was born before autism was invented… More or less. 1953.Been a meditation teacher,cult member,magazine publisher,ad agency owner,non-profit activist,3-time grad student3-time husband,homeless,mental health counselor,substance abuse counselor,cult counselor,homeless,fast-food clerk,Pretend Rock Star,homeless…I’ve bantered with Bill Gates.Felt stupid in front of Bill Joy.Touched the Maharishi.Stumbled on Keith HaringJumping turnstiles in the subway…But…I met anonymous geniusesin cubicles,bull penstrailer parks,on the street…This is not my idle boast. This is my earnest promise. Ask the neurodivergent in front of you…Have they got stories to tell you. Genius touches every life. Of every 'type. If you can perceive it.So.I have no credentials to offer. At least none that matters to me... anymore.So I offer my life. My autistic life. Hoping better for our kids.Because if nothing changes…Content Note: Discussion of trauma statistics and sexual assaultOver 80% of them will experience trauma in their life. Interpersonal violence, bullying, sensory trauma, emotional abuse, and systemic discrimination. Nearly three times higher than average. And many autistic individuals experience multiple types of trauma concurrently.Just as I did in the 1950s. Bullying by classmates & teachers. Physical attacks on the playgrounds. Sexual attack in the park. And in the home,Trauma not from neurodivergence. Trauma from how modern society treats the neurodivergent.[Music]That clean, polite, clinical phrase… “trauma?” It has a personal face, a personal moment in every neurodivergent life.This is mine.Session #137. When memory breaks.Poem #3The Body Abides"Like I told youNothing really happenedCan't sleep is all…."He repeats his view,"The body watches.The body ALWAYSFucking watches.""Yeah, he kissed meFathers do that.Yeah, it was weird but…."He whispers me,"Your body, your witness.And this witness ALWAYSFucking watches."Then he leans in…"What if he'd kissedyour sister's lips…?""I'd fucking kill him."That's when…i see mein his mirrorwatching myselfwatch my selftransparently autistica son no more,yet the body…abides.ragedark rageScreaming RAGEi'd fucking kill himfucking kill himkill himHim.i rise…soslowlyand fucking smash that mirrori rock, i sway…i rub one red eye.i stand, I stare…I sigh, I say,"My body watchesThe body ALWAYSFucking watches…,"As I close his office door…I abide.[Music]Decades later. Still raising hell.Manifesto #3Now… About That Autistic Hell We Was Talking about Raising…We ask awkward questions. And find new answers.We see different. Make electrifying connections.We feel patterns. To larger truths.We are passionateWe adapt.Survive.Disrupt.Transform…Raising a fat middle fingerTo normal.Now, that’s the kinda hell… I’m talking about raising.How’s about neurodivergent you?One last thing…be proud.be proud you're autistic.be proud you're alive.despite everything people and nature...life...threw at you...you're still breathing.you’re still breathing…no mean feat that. I know firsthand.be proud.be damn proud.#ActuallyAutisticOutroIn coming weeks, we'll challenge the medical model of autism, examining how neurodivergent individuals can build sustainable, authentic lives - with or without professional intervention.AutisticAF Out Loud podcast is supported solely by listeners like you. Know a friend or family member with a sincere interest in neurodiversity? Please consider emailing this episode to them.We believe no one should have to pay to be autistic. Many neurodivergent people can't afford subscription content. Your Ko-Fi tip of any amount helps keep this resource free for them. Or join our paid subscriber community at johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com for ongoing support. Link in description.Written in rage. Published in hope. December 2024. Greene County, Indiana.To give a one-time tip to support this work: https://ko-fi.com/autisticafTo offer ongoing support for my work, please consider becoming a paid subscriber…#AutisticAF Out Loud Newsletter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts enjoy a free subscription. To support my work, consider becoming a paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe

Full podcast with links to available poster artwork: https://johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/p/podcast-every-clock-is-a-handgun-2ee Sensory-Friendly Discussion & Summary: https://notebooklm.google.com/notebook/30720fb4-dab4-48b9-873f-90ec1ac03b88/audio Transcript: Autistic Spoken Word: Every Clock Is a Handgun Pointed at My Head This spoken word on my autistic experience of time contains triggering topics. If you are sensitive to frank discussion of abuse, I created a sensory-friendly audio summary. Link in description (https://notebooklm.google.com/notebook/30720fb4-dab4-48b9-873f-90ec1ac03b88/audio) Every clock is a handgun pointed at my head THREE Every clock is a handgun pointed at my head Every tick, tick… fucking tick Tolling Fear, Doom… dread Click. Slide. Cock… click. Every night a mantra echoes through my head TV static… a crazy-making hum Singing Dream, Drempt… dead… Not done. Not done. Not done… undone. 10, 9, 8… Dread 7, 6, 5… Fear 4, 3, 2… BEEP. Shoot the moon… or the country next door Countdown. Deadline. Bow down… dead. Bound behind doors, bound in my head Pace, paces, pacing… paced Every BEEP. Of the phone. Stops… my heart. . . . I crash out with a scream for escape TWO Woods Deep woods Deepest woods My ears fly from bird song to bird song. A raptor circles then spirals Crossing lines now dead Wind steals my breath Taking words never said This skin bag of atmosphere Breathes new air When the sun rises First it is cool Then it gets warm The day passes Clouds above my head. Shaped by wind Outside my body The same wind Inside my body The same wind Yet… ONE 10, 9, 8… Dread 7, 6, 5… Fear 4, 3, 2… BEEP. Shoot the moon… or the country next door Countdown. Deadline. Bow down… dead. Every clock is a handgun pointed at my head ZERO This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe

Hey! I’m Johnny Profane… back after a 6-month bout of the "shys" to launch Season 5 of AutisticAF Out Loud. Missed you guys… But I'm here now, at least for the moment... Let's do something great with that moment, shall we?This seems like the perfect occasion to talk about Time… and how it passes. A crucial topic… whether you’re autistic or ADHD, wonder if you are, have kids or a loved one, work with some, or work to support us…I want to give you my experience of autistic time. Which is not chained to clocks or calendars. And different enough from what most folks expect… that I’ve struggled for two years… just to use my words. So I’ve turned to art. Which is both adult and intense at points…Some of the images are available as posters. And stick around to the end for a special AI-generated treat. Google's NotebookLM creates a lively dialogue between two AI commentators to break down the key ideas… especially for non-autistics. It's like having digital study buddies to help process all this time-bending stuff!Every clock is a handgun pointed at my headIIIEvery clock is a handgun pointed at my headEvery tick, tick… fucking tickTolling Fear, Doom… dreadClick. Slide. Cock… click.Every night a mantra echoes through my headTV static… a crazy-making humSinging Dream, Drempt… dead…Not done. Not done. Not done… undone.10, 9, 8… Dread7, 6, 5… Fear4, 3, 2… BEEP.Shoot the moon… or the country next doorCountdown. Deadline. Bow down… dead.Bound behind doors, bound in my headPace, paces, pacing… pacedEvery BEEP.Of the phone.Stops…my heart. . . . I crash out with a scream for escapeIIWoodsDeep woodsDeepest woodsMy ears flyfrom bird songto bird song.A raptor circles then spiralsCrossing lines now deadWind steals my breathTaking words never saidThis skin bag of atmosphereBreathes new airWhen the sun risesFirst it is coolThen it gets warmThe day passesClouds above my head.Shaped by windOutside my bodyThe same windInside my bodyThesamewindYet…I10, 9, 8… Dread7, 6, 5… Fear4, 3, 2… BEEP.Shoot the moon… or the country next doorCountdown. Deadline. Bow down… dead.Every clock is a handgun pointed at my headzeroThe Māori must be a wise people. They really get autistic time.Or at least, Keri Opai did back in 2017. That’s when he coined their new dictionary entry for autism, Takiwātanga, “in his or her own time and space.”Keri is an author, educator, and social activist. He certainly knew of the Western Medical Model of autism. But… it seems, Keri’s childhood pal, Peter, was autistic. So Keri just could not bring himself to define us as broken.No medical pathology in Keri’s words. No disabling pity. Rather, respect. Even admiration…He, and his people, saw what many of us feel. Our deep connection with natural rhythms. Our walk through the world at our own pace. On our own path. Maybe in our own dimensions of time & space.Takiwātanga. A dictionary definition born out of love. It captures the heart of my autistic life — a different walk through time and space.Reflecting on Keri's compassionate wisdom… My guess is that the Māoris, at least, are glad we're on the planet. Not because of our needs. Because of our contributions. Rooted in our different perceptions, our outsider experiences.Let’s dive deeper into Māoris, autism, and our journey through time perception. After this quick word, got bills to pay…[ad]This podcast is supported solely by listeners like you. We believe no one should have to pay to be autistic. Which is why we offer all our autistic information for free. To ensure this resource remains available for those who can't afford it, consider choosing a paid subscription at johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com. Link in the description.So, maybe the Māoris offer the understanding we autistics need. But Western science still struggles to catch up. Their “Autistic Spectrum”? A laundry list of supposed problems… like “Time Blindness.” Only a problem from an ableist point of view. In an industrialist society.Problems that might be strengths in a different time, a different place.Try as I might, I could never measure my time by checking off boxes under “Goals Met.” Like how many widgets I punch out each hour. Which has nothing to do with my quality of life... which is very much wrapped up in the joy of my process.Why do I want to make you feel how I experience time as an autistic person? How can we understand each other... care for each other... if we don't explore each other?Why do I use art? Because research trends and terms change with the times... like all things human made. I could wave my hands and quote “neuroplasticity” & “quantum effects” all day and into the night. But that would negate my words in a few years. When the whole research paradigm changes… yet again.But raw human experience endures. So… I offer you poetry. So… I offer you images.So… I welcome you into my world.#AutisticAF Out Loud Newsletter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. To leave a one-time tip of any amount, please visit Ko-Fi.Right up front, every time…We autistics are not all the same.Example: Most folks know autistic kids and adults may have sensory differences. What most don’t know? Some of us are not overwhelmed by loud noise, bright lights, big crowds.Some of us are exhilarated… by them.And some… like me… experience a bit of both…So then, what do we share in common as autists? An UN-common sensitivity and reaction to extreme sensory input. Yet, we respond in individual ways… because we’ve lived different lives.Keep that in mind as I discuss my personal experiences of time, memory… thought. Both research and personal stories show we autists experience time in ways uncommon for most humans.But each of us experiences time differently. Even as polar opposites.In My Autistic TimeWant me for dinner? I may bust a gut to please you. AND yet…I’ll end up mumbling some variation of “I have no freaking clue how so much time could have passed... um, again.”But get me focused… particularly on my passions… writing or music?I effortlessly monitor… fractions of a second...To hit precisely…The right hesitation… of that one… musical note.Or the perfect combo… of word choice… and white space…That.Makes…The phrase.Now, weirdly, any period much longer than a day? All kinda melts together. I can forget to send in a vital Social Security form, thinking, “I just got it yesterday. I still got time…” Weeks later. Months later. Too much later…Or I might pick up a convo in mid-sentence when I see a friend. From the last time I saw him. Which coulda been two jobs… and a career or so... ago.Like I have one button on my clock, “NOW.” And for bonus points, its alarm function has no mega-freaking clue… How long it takes to complete any task invented by any human.At any time in history.Or any space we’ve ever occupied."Sure, hon, I’ll make dinner tonight! That fake rice-a-roni I make takes 14 minutes to boil. I’ll see ya in about 20.” One annoyed emoji and an hour later… 🤬 I thumb-type back, "Oh, my g-d! Never takes this long. Sorry, BRT.”So, mebbe you think you can help me out with my little schedule problem. Say, give me a time limit? A gentle reminder? Which makes my brain freeze. Then, my heart follows. Ass remaining firmly implanted in front of some screen or other.Planning? Keeping commitments? Deadlines? Family life? Education? Jobs? CAREERS…?How’m I supposed to pull ANY of those off?Did I mention there were just two things that almost kept me out of kindergarten? Sure, the “Tying Your Shoes” gotcha. But, omfg, learning to read a clock?Civilized time requires commitment, plans, deadlines, goals, milestones, and you know, actual production…Let’s say, I’ve burned through dozens of jobs… average lifespan less than 6 months.At least 6 careers… average span a year or two.Marriages… 3. Let’s say, we just don’t go there…Civilized time is beyond me.#AutisticAF Out Loud Newsletter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts, become a free subscriber. To support my work, consider a paid subscription. To leave a one-time tip of any amount, please visit Ko-Fi.Why? Let’s Explore Autistic Dark Time…Einstein broke the news. Time is relative. For all of us. He said time is a measure of the curvature of space-time between two events… basically. Different in different places, depending on how fast you’re moving at the time…Physics says, he’s right.So far.At least if you’re bigger than an atom.Most places… That we know about…And it seems as if most humans who I know, in their own way also measure time by events. What happened. How often. How much a month is this gonna cost me...?But my autistic time isn’t a measure of events and the distances between them. I measure the depth of feeling and its quality as those events unfold. From highs to lows. From joy... to pain.It’s like most humans experience time and space the way Newton or Einstein would. According to elegant rules… in precisely measurable dimensions…filled with matter, energy, and consumable products.Doesn’t matter how you measure it. Either Imperial OR metric units make equal sense…if you’re punching out widgets.With guys carrying stopwatches hovering and lurking in the shadows… counting your pieces per hour.Every bit of that modern industrial world makes sense… in that scene.Convenience packaging.Fast food.Microwaves... Low monthly payments.Superhighways.This season's fashions.Time-limited sales.Slip on shoes.No-iron shirts.“Skip ad” buttons…But me? I’m stuck in some quantum world with weird dimensions… like “spin” & “charm”... Things you cannot count on the factory floor. It could be that Joy quarks ... like Light quarks… can be waves or they may be particles. But they certainly disappear if you observe them too closely…Time doesn’t flow smoothly for me.It’s more like waves and troughs. If I’m interested in what you’re saying, what I’m reading… hours fly by. In fact, if I’m really into my passion… painting, cooking, whatev… time has no meaning. I’m outside of time. In a place indistinguishable from… Joy.But boredom?A slow, annoyinghands-and-knees crawlacross wooden schoolroom floor boards…taking secret, furtive over-the-shoulder glancesat a second handstubbornlysweeping.So, depression, anxiety… DEADLINES? They grind out, second by agonizing second, in my gut.My very definition of… Dread.Now, shoehorn my autistic experience into your punchclock world.I'm autistic. Pretty sure ADHD, too. In my 70s, every ticking second is a countdown to some duty, obligation, deadline... death…No. That's a lie.Reality? Hours of numbness... obsessively flicking through screens... frightened to look away and notice the time of day... the season.Leading to days of dull semi-awareness... punctuated by trips to the bathroom. Between delivered pizzas.And moments of terror when despite my best dim-witted efforts, I see 9:27 out of the corner of my eye. And the sun screams,"Hey, it's morning. You gotta get going. You got stuff to do."Or maybe it's 3:19 am. So the moon shames me with,"Well, there goes another day you didn't meet expectations."Every timepiece I can remember was like a prison guard's gun... the real power enforcing order.The calendar that told the doctor that 2 weeks late is too long... so he forced my delivery with forceps.Or the school bell that announced precisely when I must be silent... or pee.The alarms shrieking at the factory door.Time clocks measuring the distance to starvation.Calendars counting days til the next vacation, back to school, parental promotion... and move to a new town.Report cards.Bank clocks, clock towers and multiple-choice tests… all counting down seconds to disaster.Procrastination… The Black Hole I Hide inLet me take you into a moment that captures the essence of my struggle with time. Circling around a pizza… that American Icon of Hurry-Up-and-Wait Fast Food Frenzy…"Where's the waitress...???" I glance at the watch on my wrist. Again. A plaintive cry in my head… "That paper was due a WEEK ago..." I'm sitting in a pizza joint. On an old-skool tubular steel and fiberglass chair. Dirty, glaringly orange, butt killer. The kind grade schools stacked against walls... back before Kennedy was shot. "Fuck. I wanted a pizza cuz it thought it'd be fast..." I'm checking the clock robotically every few minutes. It's like 9 at night. The grad school prof believed in me. He knew I needed an A for my GPA. Promised he wouldn't mark me down for lateness. IF it was my usual quality. AND I get my 10 pages in…“Before class. Tomorrow. 10 am.” Tapping his watch. “No excuses.” I had a great topic… "Challenges of Cognitive Therapy for Middle-Old Senior Clients." BUT I couldn't make it come. Hadn't even started. I paced for hours in my apartment. Nothing. Zip. NADA. So, my bright idea? “I know, walk the 4 blocks and grab a quick slice. Kill two birds. Get my blood pumping. Get dinner outta the way. I’ll write all night if I gotta… When I get home.” An hour and a half later, after waitress delays, problems with the credit card, bumping into that classmate I couldn’t duck… As I trudge home on drizzly Albany streets, my new plan…?“Um, I’ll get up at 5 am. Pump out a page an hour… He’ll still take it… if I skate into class at the last minute.” Right. Couple weeks later… I get The Letter. …after careful consideration by the full Committee…. blah-blah-blah-de-blah-BLAH…. Effective immediately withdrawn from the Graduate program and cease issuing your stipend.But… Pizza? Save time? Prioritize?! Every link in my logic made so much sense… at the Time. It always does. Til I look back. And feel stupid.I can never be certain of any commitment I make… no matter how heavily they weigh on me. Even ones that kill paychecks. Kill careers. Destroy marriages.Even the most dear ones that I make to myself. My dreams. How much does a dream weigh? Enough to slump shoulders apparently. And strangely? Even more as they die…The Spin-Charm of My Emotional ExperienceBut out of this Time Stream Meltdown chaos, I glimpse a different way of being. A rhythm more in tune with my Autistic+ADHD nature.See, this is what I’ve come to believe. Time-centered agony is not my natural state. Not in the environment I was built for… the Pre-Industrial… In the life I was designed to live… before Henry Ford’s punch clock…Because in the world I was born foryou don't need a watch, an alarm, a daily plannernot even a Bible, self-help book… or scholar’s studyto know when the sun riseswhen to eatwhen to peewhen to pick berries on the fence row when the sun setswhen to sleep.My natural state is this…When the sun risesFirst it is coolThen it gets warmThe day passesClouds above my head.Shaped by windOutside my bodyThe same windInside my bodyThesamewindOut of the Blue… and into the Black… DataFrom my lived experience to the lab: What does Science say about autistic time?I only know my personal experience. So it seems only fair... I must give you highlights of current research on autistic and neurodivergent time. Notes in “References and Further Reading” in the description.* Research on time perception in autistic individuals shows mixed results. Some studies show autistic differences. Some don’t. Particularly when it comes to complex tasks. But the complexity of the task may influence time perception differences.* A study in 2022 found there were no notable differences for autistic adults. At least not in interval and event timing judgments. This challenges the notion that autistic individuals sense time differently.* Research suggests autistic folks may struggle synchronizing the passage of time. When matching visual and auditory stimuli.* Encyclopedic Overview. The article "Time Experience in Autism Spectrum Disorder" discusses theories of time perception in autism.* Controversial Sources. Note that sources like Autism Speaks are controversial in the neurodiversity community. Their research is included for completeness. But perhaps be cautious.So after trying to use my words for 2 years…to just explain...Word after word after sentence after paragraph after page… utterly failing to strike at the heart of they call my Time Blindness, my Time Trauma, or what I focus on… my Time Joy…I offer you simply this…My art.I have no agenda. I have no tips to give you. So I offer my life… Take what you can use. And leave the rest. Time’s short. And it moves in one direction. Always shorter.OutroFunny how time works – 7 decades in, and my autistic experience keeps evolving. Variable ability? It's a whole new ballgame in your golden years. Not just about skills anymore – it's about navigating each day's random landscape. Joy and autism, they're still my constant companions, even if they wear different masks now. Stay tuned – I've got more to share about this wild ride through time.Google NotebookLM Podcast SummaryHey everyone, welcome back for another deep dive. Hi. There are you ready to explore the experience of time itself? I'm intrigued because we were diving into your source material today, going deep into excerpts from pasted text. Specifically, we're looking at a podcast transcript called every clock is a handgun in my autistic time, by Johnny profane. And let me tell you, profane who identifies as both autistic and ADHD, really doesn't hold back. Trust me, this deep dive is about way more than just autism. It makes us think about everything we think we know about what time even is. Wow. Yeah, it's a fascinating one. And to help unpack the science and the wider implications of profanes experiences, we're joined by, well, an expert in, well, you could say neuroscience, but really in the experience of time itself. Happy to be here. Thanks for joining us. Let's dive right in. So profane starts off with this really powerful metaphor. You know, he says every clock is a handgun pointed at my head. It's such a visceral image. It is, it is like it really gets under your skin, yeah, and he's really talking about that, that feeling of dread, you know that we often kind of associate with deadlines and obligations, that constant pressure of time just measured out in seconds and minutes and hours, palpable, that anxiety just in those words, right? But then profane contrasts this with something totally different when he feels outside of time, totally immersed in joy and flow interesting, almost like what we call a flow state, right? Yeah, yeah, exactly. The feeling of being so engrossed in something that you lose track of everything else, right, time just fades away. And while lots of people experience these flow states, they can be especially intense for neurodivergent individuals. Yeah, and profane actually gives a really relatable example. He talks about struggling with deadlines like this 10 page paper he had to write, and how frustrating it was for both him and the people around him. Sounds like a classic example of what many people with ADHD and autism experience, time blindness, right? A very real struggle to accurately estimate how long tasks will take. And I think it's interesting how profane brings in this Maori concept of takawatanga, meaning in his or her own time and space. It is such a powerful concept, yeah, because it's not just a definition, right? It's a completely different way of looking at neurodiversity as a different way of being, not a deficit. And this idea of takiwa Tonga makes you realize how often we impose our sense of time on others, right, especially in work or school, absolutely. And it begs the question, what if we embraced a more flexible approach, yeah, one that recognizes different rhythms and ways of working. Could that be beneficial for everyone? And this is where things get even more interesting, you know, because profane doesn't just rely on his personal experiences. He actually, like goes into the actual science of autistic time perception, right? Which I thought was really interesting, yeah, he does mention that, you know, the research is still developing, and it can be kind of contradictory, of course, yeah, which is important to keep in mind, right, as we sort of explore this a little bit further. Yeah, it's a complex field, and there's still a lot we're learning about how our brains perceive time. For example, you know, some studies using EEG have shown that autistic individuals, they might process temporal information differently, like, at a neural level, it's like their internal clock is, like wired a bit differently, in a way, yeah. But then, like, profane points out, there are other studies, behavioral studies using tasks like time reproduction and those Haven't you know, consistently found these clear differences between, you know, autistic and non autistic individuals, so it's Yeah, so how do we make sense of that, right? When it seems like those are kind of contradictory findings, right? Well, that's the thing about scientific research, yeah, it's not always a straight line to the answer, right, right, right? So instead of seeing them as contradictions, maybe these findings highlight just how complex the experience of time really is, okay, and it's probably influenced by a whole bunch of factors, both individual and contextual, which makes it a really personal experience. When you think about it, it really makes you kind of go back and think, Huh, you know, maybe we take a lot for granted, yeah? And we're talking about something like time, right? Yeah, which, I guess, leads to the big question, right? Like, why does any of this even matter for those of us listening who, you know, maybe aren't autistic, haven't had that, you know, direct experience with autism, I think that's such an important point to bring up, because one of the biggest takeaways here is, you know, I think it's empathy, yeah, when we really try to understand how other people experience the world differently, even something, you know, as basic as time, yeah, it allows us to connect on this whole other level, yeah, yeah, like we're stepping outside of ourselves for a minute, exactly, seeing things through someone else's eyes, right? And I think, you know, profanes experiences really challenge us. Yeah?#AutisticAF Out Loud Newsletter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. To leave a one-time tip of any amount, please visit Ko-Fi.#AutisticAF Out Loud Newsletter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. To leave a one-time tip of any amount, please visit Ko-Fi.Key Takeaways (summary by Perplexity)* Time Perception and Anxiety The poem vividly depicts the intense anxiety many autistic individuals experience around time and deadlines. Lines like "Every clock is a handgun pointed at my head" and the countdown sequence illustrate how time pressure can feel threatening and overwhelming. For many autistic people, difficulties with time perception and executive functioning can make deadlines and time management extremely stressful. The ticking clock becomes a source of dread rather than a neutral tool.* Sensory Sensitivities The poem references sensory experiences like "TV static" and a "crazy-making hum", highlighting how autistic individuals often have heightened sensory sensitivities. Sounds or stimuli that may not bother others can be intensely distracting or distressing.* Need for Nature and Sensory Regulation The second part of the poem describes being in nature, with vivid sensory details about birds, wind, and clouds. Many autistic people find nature soothing and use it for sensory regulation and stress relief. The contrast between the anxious first section and calmer nature section illustrates this.* Internal Experience vs. External Pressures The poem juxtaposes the speaker's internal sensory world with external pressures like deadlines. This reflects how autistic individuals often experience a disconnect between their internal experiences and external expectations.* Difficulty with Change and Transitions The abrupt shifts between sections and the countdown sequences may represent the challenges many autistic people face with changes and transitions. Moving between different mental states or environments can be jarring.* Intense Emotions and Experiences The vivid, intense language throughout the poem reflects how many autistic individuals experience emotions and sensations very intensely. What may seem minor to others can feel overwhelming. In summary, this poem powerfully conveys common autistic experiences around time perception, anxiety, sensory sensitivities, and the contrast between internal experiences and external pressures. It highlights the intense and often overwhelming nature of these experiences for many autistic individuals.References & Further Reading:Neither exhaustive nor comprehensive. Articles that made me think.1. Autism Research - Systematic Reviewhttps://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6852160/2. APA - Time Perception Study 2022https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2022-55325-0013. Spectrum News - Time Perceptionhttps://www.spectrumnews.org/news/time-perception-problems-may-explain-autism-symptoms/4. Encyclopedia of Autism Spectrum Disorders - Time Experiencehttps://link.springer.com/10.1007/978-1-4614-6435-8_102354-15. Spectrum News - Time is a Slippery Concept(https://www.spectrumnews.org/opinion/for-people-with-autism-time-is-slippery-concept/6. PubMed - Study on Complex Taskshttps://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/31336032/7. Wiley Online Library - Research Articlehttps://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1002/aur.2170#AutisticAF Out Loud Newsletter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. To leave a one-time tip of any amount, please visit Ko-Fi. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe

An Example of Exclusive Subscriber Content… Raw, Real, Authentic.I’m letting my one austic voice do all the talking this time. I kinda like that.AutisticAF Out Loud - One Autistic Voice. Hmm…Here’s my first thank you. My first real attempt at being live on camera. It’s an autistic thing. No mask. No cosplay. I explain after you hit the button….Anyway, this one’s for you. All the subscribers. You were here before I had the spoons to make it happen.Now that I’m on the mend, I intend to make the most of subStack for you.Promise.-Johnny This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe

Shattering Neurodivergent Stereotypes: A Raw Dialogue for Tomorrow's GenerationsDescription: Embark on a transformative journey with Johnny Profane in this compelling episode of AutisticAF Out Loud, titled "Actually Autistic? Whatever Doesn't Kill Your Unique Neurodivergent Ass…". This conversation goes beyond dismantling societal myths and stereotypes about neurodivergence; it's a call to action for creating a more understanding and inclusive culture for neurodivergent children and future generations. Beyond the Success Myth: Delve into the often overlooked struggles against poverty and trauma, as Johnny shares insights from his own life, challenging the glossy narratives that dominate mainstream discussions about neurodivergence. Debunking Harmful Ideologies: This episode takes a critical stance against toxic positivity and the misleading belief that adversity naturally breeds strength, offering a more nuanced view of the neurodivergent experience. The Truth About Disability: Moving past the inspirational narrative, Johnny discusses the real, day-to-day challenges faced by neurodivergent individuals, debunking myths of hidden superpowers in favor of a more grounded understanding. Critiquing Consumer Culture: Explore how consumer culture perpetuates dissatisfaction and alienation, particularly affecting those who feel marginalized, and discuss the importance of fostering a culture that values individuals for who they are, not what they consume. Valuing True Resilience: Celebrate the authentic resilience and strength within the neurodivergent community, recognizing the courage it takes to navigate a world that often seems indifferent or hostile to their needs. Crafting a Future of Inclusion: Highlighting the episode's closing message, Johnny Profane emphasizes the importance of building a supportive, inclusive culture that honors neurodivergent experiences. This isn't just about challenging stereotypes; it's about laying the groundwork for a world where neurodivergent children can grow up feeling valued, understood, and empowered. A Call to Create Change: Engage in this critical dialogue not just as listeners, but as active participants in shaping a more inclusive future. This episode is an invitation to everyone—parents, educators, allies—to join in the effort to ensure that the next generation of neurodivergent individuals inherits a culture that celebrates their unique contributions and supports their growth.Key Insights: Challenge and redefine the narratives surrounding neurodivergence and disability. Understand the damaging impact of societal expectations and toxic positivity on neurodivergent individuals. Acknowledge the real challenges and celebrate the genuine strengths within the neurodivergent community. Advocate for a shift towards a more inclusive, understanding culture that prepares a better world for neurodivergent children.Join the Movement: Dive deeper into the conversation about creating a supportive environment for neurodivergent individuals. Share your insights, experiences, and hopes for the future, contributing to a broader understanding and acceptance. Be part of the change that ensures a more inclusive world for neurodivergent children and future generations.Themes: Breaking Stereotypes, Authentic Experiences, Inclusive FutureTags: Neurodivergent Realities, Beyond Disability Myths, Toxic Positivity Critique, Future of Neurodiversity, Inclusive Culture Building, Empowering Neurodivergent Voices, Advocacy for Neurodivergent Children, Autism, Autistic, Actually Autistic, Autism Podcast, Autistic Podcast, Neurodivergent Podcast--- Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/autisticaf/message This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe

Autistic Authenticity: Navigating Identity and CommunityDescription: Dive into a candid conversation on AutisticAF Out Loud, where we tackle the often blurred lines between being autistic, belonging to identity groups, and maintaining personal integrity. "Autism? It's a State of Being. NOT an Identity Group" serves as a bold reminder that autism is an inherent part of us, not a badge to be worn or a club to join.Through this episode, we explore the delicate balance between finding community support and preserving our unique autistic identity. We question the constructs of identity groups, challenge the notion of toxic conformity, and celebrate the unapologetic expression of our autistic selves.Ideal for anyone touched by autism or intrigued by the diversity of human experience, this episode encourages a dialogue about authenticity, resilience, and the journey towards understanding our true selves within the vast spectrum of neurodiversity.Embracing Authenticity in Neurodiversity Unveiling the True Self Beyond Autism's Labels A dive into personal identity amidst the complexities of neurodiversity. The delicate balance between individuality and community expectations. Sharing a journey of self-awareness, challenging societal norms, and finding joy in authenticity.Do you see reflections of your own experiences? Join us as we navigate this personal voyage.Explore the Depths: A candid examination of autism as an innate aspect of existence, not a societal group. The transition from external pressures to genuine self-expression within the autistic spectrum. Discovering moments of genuine self-recognition and the simple pleasures of living authentically.Intrigued by the intricate details? Engage with us as we unravel these layers.Participate in the Dialogue: Connect with a narrative that questions mainstream perceptions and honors the diversity of neurodiversity. Contribute your insights and experiences as we delve into the nuances of authentic autistic living. Foster a conversation that broadens the understanding and acceptance of neurodiversity. Inspired by our collective journeys? Let your voice join in and enrich the discourse.Themes: Personal Identity Exploration, Neurodiversity Embrace, Authentic LivingTags: Autistic Personal Identity, Authentic Neurodiversity Experience, Autism Beyond Labels, Genuine Autistic Expression, Neurodiverse Individuality Insights, Rejecting Conformity in Autism, Celebrating Autistic Authenticity, Embracing Neurodiverse Narratives--- Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/autisticaf/message This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe

Embracing Autism's Raw Truths in My 70sDescription: Dive deep with Johnny Profane into a journey unlike any other—a raw, unfiltered exploration of living with autism discovered later in life. This episode peels back the layers of daily life, challenges, and the unexpected joys found in the simplest moments. "Facing the reality of autism in my 70s, I share the gritty process of acceptance, the quest for authentic self-expression, and those radiant sparks of joy that light up the path." If you're seeking a story of real-life resilience, unexpected turns, and the beauty of embracing your true self, join us. For everyone navigating the complex tapestry of neurodiversity, this conversation is for you. Let's delve into the heart of autism's challenges and triumphs—no holds barred.Embracing Autism in My 70s The awakening to autism's reality after 70 years of life. The gritty, day-to-day acceptance and the small, radiant joys of being truly oneself. A personal narrative of discovery, challenge, and the unexpected rewards found in authenticity.Feel a connection? Reflect on your journey as we delve into mine.Dive Deep to Discover: An unvarnished look at the late diagnosis and its profound impact. The journey from societal conformity to embracing a unique autistic identity. The moments of clarity and joy that illuminate the path of self-discovery.Curious about the nuances? Join me as we explore the layers.Join the Conversation: Engage with a story that challenges conventional narratives and celebrates the neurodiverse experience. Share your thoughts and stories as we explore the complexities of living authentically with autism. Support a dialogue that elevates understanding and acceptance of neurodiversity.Moved by our shared stories? Your voice can amplify the message.Themes: Authentic Self-Discovery, Neurodiversity Celebration, Late-Life AwakeningTags: Autism in Later Life, Late Diagnosis Autism Journey, Embracing Neurodiversity After 70, Authentic Autism Experience, Senior Autistic Self-Discovery, Neurodiverse Life Reflections, Gritty Autism Acceptance, Autistic Joy in Adulthood, Unfiltered Autistic Narrative, Neurodiversity Celebration Stories--- Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/autisticaf/message This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe

###🎙️ Unmasking at the Late Night Picture Show: One Autistic's Reckoning* One night that demolished a lifetime of conformity* One bodacious shift... from meditation cult to liberated living* One tale of indulgence, rebellion & the embrace of an #autistic identity  👉 Click to witness the transformative night.###👂 Tune In to Discover:* Hear the vivid recount of a night that broke all the rules* Follow the path from a monk's silence to the kick-ass self-acceptance* Wrap yourself up in  a story that speaks to the heart of #neurodivergence👉 Ready for a riveting tale? Hit play.. join an evening of realization.🎧 Engage with Us:* Discover stories that disrupt the socially approved narrative... and speak to the soul* Comment & dialog with us as we dissect the layers of an authentic neurodiverse life* Support our quest to raise up the voices of the #neurodiverse community🚨 Moved by our mission? Subscribe free to our collective journey to authenticity.🏷️ Tags: #AutismFamily, Autism Family, #NeurodivergentPride, Neurodivergent Pride, #AutismLife, Autism Life, #AutismAcceptance, Autism AcceptanceSupport the show--- Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/autisticaf/message This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe

🎙️ Episode Highlights:The Myth of "You Can Do Anything": An Autistic Lens (Must-listen for adult autistics)The Hidden Costs of Conventional Education on Autistic Lives (Essential for educators)Curious? Keep listening.👂 Listen and Learn:Step into the intricate world of autistic experiences, as Johnny Profane and Theo dissect the failures and biases of the educational system. (A must-hear for mental health professionals)Intrigued? Hit subscribe to journey with us.🎧 Get Involved:Subscribe for a torrent of insights 🌪️ (Highly recommended for parents & families)Comment and enrich our community 🗨️ (Join the conversation, employers)Support our mission for change 🚀 (Partners, this is for you)Ready to engage? Leave a comment or consider monthly support.🏷️ Tags:AutismPodcast, AutisticJoy, MentalHealth, Education, SystemFailuresSupport the show--- Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/autisticaf/message This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe

🎙️ Inside This Episode:• The Hidden World of Theo, a Homeless Autistic... Scholar• Privilege vs. Failure: An Autistic Perspective• The Raw Essence of Autistic Joy❓Curious? Keep listening to uncover these hidden gems.🌈 Why You Need to Listen:Step into a realm where societal norms crumble, flashing a spotlight on the true meaning of autistic joy. This 4-part series on Autistic Education kicks off with Johnny Profane guiding you from the streets of university-town Bloomington to the depths of your own soul.A must-listen for parents, educators, mental health professionals, and anyone keen on neurodiversity.🔎Intrigued? Hit subscribe to journey with us.🎧 Engage With Us:• Subscribe for an open floodgate of insights 🎢• Comment and be part of our community 🗨️• Support us monthly and fuel our mission 🚀✏️Ready to engage? Leave a comment or consider monthly support.🏷️ Tags:#AutismPodcast #AutisticJoy #Neurodiversity #MentalHealth #EducationSearching for more? Use these tags to explore related content.Support the show--- Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/autisticaf/message This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe

Perfectionism ain’t working for me… maybe not for Autistic AF dot you, either. So here’s something, shall we say, a little “rawer” than my usual /rant…Trascript: https://autisticaf.me/2023/09/29/this-autistics-fantasy-so-he-asks-about-my-history-what-i-told-my-doctor/#AutisticAF Out Loud Podcast Listen & Subscribe: Apple https://neon.ly/mDd3e Spotify https://neon.ly/p1Vay Audible https://neon.ly/vkXa1 Stitcher https://neon.ly/vx5Zn PocketCasts https://neon.ly/NLL3O Amazon/Alexa https://neon.ly/mnOeq Support the showSupport the show--- Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/autisticaf/message This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe

Ever been told to ‘calm down’? How’d it feel? Well, this autistic feels like exploding!:https://autisticaf.me/2023/08/26/calm-down-why-is-this-the-worst-advice-you-can-give-an-autistic-person/#AutisticAF Out Loud Podcast Listen & Subscribe: Apple https://neon.ly/mDd3e Spotify https://neon.ly/p1Vay Audible https://neon.ly/vkXa1 Stitcher https://neon.ly/vx5Zn PocketCasts https://neon.ly/NLL3O Amazon/Alexa https://neon.ly/mnOeq Support the show--- Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/autisticaf/message This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe

Folks ask about my #neurodivergent marriage.Umm… over and over. Like… “Is that even possible?”Gotta story for ya…Transcript: https://autisticaf.me/2023/08/18/neurodivergent-kiss-autistic-fairytale-or-fabulous-marriage/#AutisticAF Out Loud Podcast Listen & Subscribe: Apple https://neon.ly/mDd3e Spotify https://neon.ly/p1Vay Audible https://neon.ly/vkXa1 Stitcher https://neon.ly/vx5Zn PocketCasts https://neon.ly/NLL3O Amazon/Alexa https://neon.ly/mnOeq Support the show--- Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/autisticaf/message This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe

Season 3's mission? To boldly explore living authentically autistic... out loud. That first story? Carving out a safe space to be our true autistic selves... a big part of that quest.Support the show--- Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/autisticaf/message This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe

 Season 3 of AutisticAF Out Loud starts off with 3 new stories: 1. Living Unmasked Is a Political Act 2. Autism, Love & My Friend Billy: A New Epic Myth 3. Faking Normal: How I Mask My Writing Disorder... to Bring You Autistic Joy Transcript: https://autisticaf.me/2023/01/07/season-3-love-politics-faking-normal-3-new-autistic-myths/ "Hi! I'm still Johnny.I'm still Profane... AND I'm still here. Finally... Season 3 of Autistic as Fuck Out Loud! Why no episodes since Fall? Major burn out. Dog attack injuries. Coupla health scares. Some dark emotions. Exhaustion... Shut down for 3 months. Then woke up... So I'm declaring victory... and a new focus. How to live authentically autistic... out loud."#AutisticAF Out Loud Podcast Listen & Subscribe: Apple https://neon.ly/mDd3e Spotify https://neon.ly/p1Vay Audible https://neon.ly/vkXa1 Stitcher https://neon.ly/vx5Zn PocketCasts https://neon.ly/NLL3O Amazon/Alexa https://neon.ly/mnOeq 0:00 Intro 0:11 1. Living Unmasked Is a Political Act 1:14 Season 3: Living Autistic Authentically 2:32 2. Autism, Love & My Friend Billy: A New Epic Myth 10:02 3. Faking Normal: How I Mask My Writing Disorder... to Bring You Autistic Joy 17:57 Shoutouts, Coming Next Episode, How You Can Support Support the show--- Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/autisticaf/message This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe

I'm autistic. And I can't DO social groups. I don't think I'm alone. So, I'm launching a hashtag. #GroupProcessingDisorder.Transcript: https://autisticaf.me/ #AutisticAF Out Loud Podcast Listen & Subscribe: Apple https://neon.ly/mDd3e Spotify https://neon.ly/p1Vay Audible https://neon.ly/vkXa1 Stitcher https://neon.ly/vx5Zn PocketCasts https://neon.ly/NLL3O Amazon/Alexa https://neon.ly/mnOeq  Support the showSupport the show--- Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/autisticaf/message This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe

Spacing out... Zoning out... Most autists do it... to survive boring conversations, family get-togethers...So dissociation's a good thing, Til it starts screwing with living your life. Or sense of reality. Content note: mild profanity, one bleeped expletive relating to intellecutal disability.Transcript: https://autisticaf.me/ #AutisticAF Out Loud Podcast Listen & Subscribe: Apple https://neon.ly/mDd3e Spotify https://neon.ly/p1Vay Audible https://neon.ly/vkXa1 Stitcher https://neon.ly/vx5Zn PocketCasts https://neon.ly/NLL3O Amazon/Alexa https://neon.ly/mnOeq  Support the show--- Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/autisticaf/message This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe

 Wanna know what autistic life is like at 70? Joy... and horror. Transcript: https://autisticaf.me/ #AutisticAF Out Loud Podcast Listen & Subscribe: Apple https://neon.ly/mDd3e Spotify https://neon.ly/p1Vay Audible https://neon.ly/vkXa1 Stitcher https://neon.ly/vx5Zn PocketCasts https://neon.ly/NLL3O Amazon/Alexa https://neon.ly/mnOeq Support the show--- Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/autisticaf/message This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe

Experimenting with  a short #AutisticRave format. Let me know if you'd like to see these in the mix for #AutisticAF Out Loud Podcast.TRANSCRIPT 👇✌️🖖👇 Listen & Subscribe: Apple https://neon.ly/mDd3e Spotify https://neon.ly/p1Vay Audible https://neon.ly/vkXa1 Stitcher https://neon.ly/vx5Zn PocketCasts https://neon.ly/NLL3O Amazon/Alexa https://neon.ly/mnOeq TRANSCRIPT Know what I don't see on #DisabilityTikTok… #DisabilityTwitter?Talk about how the economy is killing disabled folk.See… Inflation isn't inconvenient for the poor & disabled.It's lost wages. We can't afford gas, childcare… even over-the-counter medicines. And Covid is killing our hours at work.It's hunger. Food is our largest expense after rent. General inflation is  around 10%. But our groceries? Up 40%.It's illness. Covid? Monkeypox? We can't call in sick. We can't afford it.  And we can't abandon our kids when they're sick.It's homelessness. There's nothing we can afford to rent. Corporations buy up low-cost homes on speculation… creating a housing crisis.And don't get me started on the medical crisis. Lots of places, doctors simply don't accept Medicaid. Taxpayers pay for our care. Caregivers don't care.Poor? Disabled? Most autistics are both. AND our invisible disability makes it even harder to get help.I'm autistic. And I'm fighting to keep my Foodstamps… in the libertarian wilderness we like to call Indiana.Yay #Hoosiers.A side note…I've been homeless three times in my 70-year life. Manhattan once. Bloomington, Indiana twice.I have some idea just how bad this can get. 61 million disabled adults in America.It can get bad. Real bad.Add tag…Support the show--- Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/autisticaf/message This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe

This episode I talk aging as an Autistic Elder.Getting finally diagnosed at 63… only to face mental decline as I hit 70…?One Swedish study pegged autistic male lifespan at 53. So I'm living on 17 years of borrowed time, I guess… so far.If you’re autistic, love one, work with some… or just can’t figure out if you are one…There's gonna come a time you worry…Real talk. About real life.Cuz they ain't talking autism in AARP… yet.EXPLICIT: some profanity, brief mentions of drug use & suicidality.Transcript: https://autisticaf.me/2022/06/26/look-doc-you-just-dont-get-autisticjoyVideocast with captions: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCyhr_MrWVItlwTWODxbZR6AApple https://neon.ly/mDd3eSpotify https://neon.ly/p1VayAudible https://neon.ly/vkXa1Stitcher https://neon.ly/vx5ZnPocketCasts https://neon.ly/NLL3OAmazon/Alexa https://neon.ly/mnOeWebsite & all platforms:  https://autisticafoutloud.buzzsprout.comSupport the show--- Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/autisticaf/message This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe