Long Lessons Worth Learning

The very first time I noticed a chronic tension in my bodyWas before my college freshman was bornIt finally came to my attention that I squinched my toes whenever I stood at my sinkLike, really clenched them, bringing my whole center of gravity forward and on top of anxietyEvery time I stood at my sinkWhich is often when you’re a young motherI began trying to remember to notice, release them, and shift my postureA Course in Miracles trained me into regular awareness snacks throughout the daySo I remembered oftenStill, it was a full year before I checked in and my toes were not tense at the sinkThen they were just tense 80% of the times I checked in, a few months later 50%Probably two more years before I reliably had relaxed feet at the sink.As soon as I got itI got a new lessonMy armsI’d begun occasionally losing function in my arms from shoulders to elbowsSomething that became obvious was that I kept my grip on the steering wheel even at a lightLearning to drop my arms for a break at stoplights was another multi-year processAfter that, I realized I never squared to the sink when I washed my handsI was always in position to reach for the towel, never just washing my handsAnd on has gone the listMy body and attention unraveling habitual tensions, slowlyEvery time I reliably integrate something, the next opportunity becomes evidentRight now, my primary inquiry is the way my head is organized on my neckYet today, as I stood at my sink, I noticed my toes were squinchedGood thing I know how to receive that opportunityElse I might perceive it as a failure. A regression.When it’s really just another opportunity to practice. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com