Lose to WIN: Be Undefensive

Our third principle is to be undefensive. Stand your ground! This means staying true to yourself come what may, and only changing on your terms based on your experience and insight.But how do you remain undefensive when your brain is screaming at you to protect and defend yourself? Well, you have to teach your brain through experience that doing nothing is often the best self-defense.I used to volunteer in self-defense classes for women, and it was there I learned the physical equivalent of what I’m about to talk about in this episode.Two games illustrate it well:King of the Hill: Loose and limp. Be a noodle. Relaxed and ready to strike at any time, the bully will never be able to use your own rigidity to push you over.Tug-O-War: There are two ways to win. Pull harder, or drop the rope. Which one sounds more like bully food to you? That’s right, when you keep pulling, you keep the game going. It’s fine to play tug-o-war with friends, family, classmates, but never with a bully. With a bully you win by ending the game as quickly as possible. Drop the rope! You might even make them fall on their A$$.If someone tries to push you over physically, emotionally, mentally, socially, whatever, you make it much easier for them to do so if you’re rigid, stiff, inflexible, locked into your plan, stuck in your head. Get loose, be willing to absorb the bully’s shoves without letting them knock you to the ground. Mock them and laugh at them instead of crying with frustration and rage. Pay attention to them, so you can anticipate their next moves. Don’t take them too seriously. Don’t take yourself too seriously.Rather than get locked into a plan or an opinion, set your boundaries and stick to them. Say, “I want to help but not like this.” “I want to hear you out, but not if you’re going to call names.” “I want to leave you alone, but not if you keep bothering me.” “I want to help you with your work, but not if you’re going to cheat off me/be cruel to me outside of class.”Be as authentic as you possibly can. There’s nothing to defend if you’re being the real you, and you’re really okay with who you are. Authenticity is not only undefensive, it’s also disarming and highly attractive. People want to see if you can handle yourself and take care of yourself, and often they will test you before getting closer with you. They do this to make sure you’re not overly dependent. Learn to wait it out. Sometimes it takes a while to tell the difference between a person who is only testing you and one who is actually bullying you.Let them cook their own goose. They are stressed too. And they’ll be even more stressed when they see you’re not going to take the bait. The will scramble, fumble and crumble, and all you have to do is let it happen. Get good at saying as little as possible. The person who talks less holds all the power. The bully will talk and talk, and dig a deeper hole for themself in the process.I know it’s difficult to hold your tongue when you want to set the record straight or give up mid game when you want to prove yourself, but remember this: People only defend what they believe is vulnerable. Immediate defensiveness translates as weakness, as if you think you’re in jeopardy. Conversely, when you don’t bother to defend yourself, you appear cool, calm, collected and carefree.Be ready for some people to resent you for standing your ground. Never explain, complain or apologize about having your own back.It’s never too late to say enough is enough and go on the defensive, but as I said earlier, you might find it easier and more effective to stand your ground with a more relaxed stance.Have a good week!