The Bully Food Challenge

Never accuse a bully of being a bully! Why? Because it gives them more power, and all they have to do is deny it. Whenever we accuse the bully, they’ll always deny it, and they usually do so by saying, “I’m only kidding…" OR "It was just a joke..”By saying it was just a joke, they get themself off the hook and diminish their target once again by pretending the target has no reason to be upset.This is what we’re getting into today. How do we deal with the most predictable form denial: I was just kidding OR It was only a joke?Here’s how to turn their joke around on them when they hit you with "I'm kidding!":Say, “Oh great, so I can just ignore you.” “Oh you’re not serious. Good to know.”OR you can turn them into the joke:Ask, “Okay, so when you (list out what they did), you were trying to be funny? Okay.”But remember, it’s always better to NOT accuse them in the first place. If you already did and they claimed they’re just kidding then use that last bits of advice.However, right when you suspect they are being sarcastic or passive aggressive (before you accuse them of anything), use this approach instead:“When you——, do you really mean——?”The difference is you’ll put yourself in the position of judge vs victim by calling them out be accusing them.Always call them out as the judge would versus accuse them as a victim would.

Narrate the Scene InsteadI’ve told the story about where the concept of BF came from…You never want to accuse your bully of bullying directly—you might as well tell them they’ve won.Calling them a bully is giving them a title of power—it says you hold power over me, you're scary.Instead calmly describe what they do and what you do in a matter-of-fact way.Keep these three steps in mind:Be carefree--big body language, upright posture, open gestures and a take it or leave it attitude.Make sure your body matches your words—leave me alone while walking away—you’re annoying while rolling your eyes.And the final punch: Describe the scene like the narrator of a storyBreak down what's going on for the bully and everyone who happens to be around. It puts you in the power position because you're telling, not pleading, asking, whining or accusing.Rather than complaining and whining, which is weak, CALL them out.And just in case the bully doesn't really know what they're doing is wrong or that you consider them a bully, you'll shine a light on their actions for all to see.Show the whole world it's the bully who keeps coming back for more even though you’ve moved on.You’re relaxed, over it, bored…I’ve dropped the rope but you just keep on pulling, Bully.Narrate the scene to expose the cycle, and remember complaining is only tossing them more bully snacks.

Everyone is a target of bullying at some point. When the bully succeeds, the target is victimized. The more that happens, the easier it is to take on a victim identity.Seeing yourself as a victim is bully food. Break out of victim behaviors and the bully behaviors that follow.This episode is about social mistakes that could leave you open to bullyingToo IMPRESSIVE comes off as I’m better than you, and too INDEPENDENT comes off as I don’t need you.Ironically, we do both to impress people because we believe we need them, which is coping by over compensating. This all comes off as overly dependent and not impressive at all.Bragging…we try to get people to like us by making sure they know all the greatest things about us. We think they’ll like us better, but it’s like we think we’re better.Know-it-all…we give unwanted advice, opinions, answers to show how wise and helpful we are, but we crowd others’ ideas and make them feel dumb or that we can’t be wrong.Bossing others around.Feeling sorry for yourself…we let disappointments, setbacks, fears and criticism get in the way of enjoying life. We want empathy and validation, but we drag others down.Being a sore loser…we have to be the best and get bent out of shape when we lose or somebody else wins.Saying sorry too often or never apologizing…we assume blame or deny any responsibility to keep others from being angry, but we end up looking weak.White lies…sometimes we tell small lies or omit the truth to save face or keep the peace. This includes not being upfront with how we actually feel, expecting others to guess. They can tell, and we seem shady.People pleasing…we prioritize what others seem to want in order to keep them around. Seems nice, but it’s manipulative.Trying to be perfect…we over compensate to hide our weaknesses. Refusing to ask for help…we wouldn’t want to seem needy, but we miss this great chance for connection with others. Nobody’s perfect, join the crowd.And worst of all HUNGRY for attention—not being willing to believe it when somebody isn’t worth your time or effort and instead letting them walk all over you.We do all these things to be appreciated and have social success, but they don’t work!So STOP IT!Instead, do what it takes to achieve what you’re after.Instead of bragging, hold back the coolest things about yourself. Let people find out naturally as time goes on. Let them earn it over the course of true friendship. Anything cool seems even cooler when you didn’t feel the need to bring it up immediately or rub it in others faces.Instead of telling white lies, let people know the truth as you see it.And rather than pleasing people to get something from them, do what pleases you and bring them in on the fun. I don’t mean to never cooperate, but don’t do it just to get something from others.We all feel sorry for ourselves at times, but a great way to snap out of it, and an even better way to keep others around is gratitude. Be grateful for what’s going well and what you did do right even in the situation you’re feeling sorry about.Show your weaknesses and admit to your mistakes instead of trying to be perfect. People love to see you accept your own flaws because that means you’ll accept theirs too.

Anti-bully mindset: I don’t want attention. I won’t try to get your attention, I won’t try to keep your attention, I feel good without your attention, I feel good with your attention as long as it’s enjoyable and doesn’t get boring.Frame everything the bully does as an opportunity to give yourself what you deserve: confidence, self-respect, humor, self-reliance, recognition for doing what's right. Whatever the bully does is an opportunity to show everyone you don’t seek attention, especially if it’s theirs.Here we go into detail about exactly how an anti-bully responds to classic bully moves. This is going to be a long one but you can skip around to find the strategies that will work best against your bully. I'll go in order of the list below. See if you can anticipate how a person who doesn’t want attention would handle each bully tactic.What to do when the bully:Disregards youFalsely accuses or makes mountains out of molehillsGives the silent treatmentSets a double standards, break rules or make them up on the flyIntimidates youIsolates youMood swingsSays mean thingsBullies onlineIgnores youGossips and spreads rumorsInvades your privacyIntrudes and imposes on youPhysical aggression or crossing the linePunishmentsSteals creditSteals, hides, damages your propertyThreatens youWithholds informationUses emotional controlGangs upHarasses you or uses violence

Bullies disregard us, make false accusations, give the silent treatment, set double standards, break rules or make them up as they go along, intimidate and isolate us, optimize their mood swings, verbally abuse us in person and online, gossip, pass rumors, ignore us, invade our privacy, intrude and impose, use physical aggression and inappropriately cross the line, punish, steal our thunder and our property, threaten, withhold information, use emotional control like gaslighting, and other tricks and pranks, all to gang up and be mean. Sometimes they cross over into harassment and violence, which is when we must turn them over to the authorities.But what does an anti-bully do with all the bully's tactics?In next week’s episode, we’ll break down particular strategies to use in each of these cases, but it all starts with one general approach.What you need to notice first is how these moves are all based on the same strategy: The bully seeks to deprive you.So you must act like you don’t want what they are trying to take away.And what are they trying to take from you?? ATTENTION.Attention to your needs (to make you hungry and desperate), validation of your choices (so you go their way instead), kindness and consideration (sad and hurt), attention to rules and social norms (confused and disadvantaged), time and energy, connection, inclusion, cooperation (isolated and lonely).Act like you don’t want any of it, and soon you’ll find you don’t need it, especially from them.You’ll realize you have everything you need within you already, and you don’t need others to light you up.Make it an inside joke with yourself to act self-fulfilled and sustained.You don’t want anything from anyone.You might be thinking, but Kelly, how do I pretend to not want anyone’s attention?And I tell you this: Use your imagination. ACT. Fake it until you make it. Fake it until you realize you’re fine without others’ attention most of the time.Depend on yourself and shine bright from within. You’ll be like a magnet.People are drawn in when they see you with something to give with no need to take. They are repelled when you seem needy with nothing to offer them.You’ll have more attention than you could ever want sooner than you think, when you seem like you’re all set and good to go no matter what. At that point you’ll have your pick, and you can choose who to allow and who to deny.Next time we’ll look at how to apply this anti-bully strategy to each of the bully’s tactics.Until then, practice! Act like you don’t want anyone’s attention, and have a good week.

Someone’s mindset determines how they think and behave most of the time. It’s where they’re coming from. It’s how they treat just about everyone. The bully’s mindset is our topic today, and next week we’ll move to the tactics they use.Having these traits doesn’t necessarily mean a person is a bully, but all bullies think in the following ways because hurting others is their mindset.They try to cut us off from friends, fun, security and ultimately our own sense of self.FRIENDSTriangulation and Shouldering Out: People bond over a commonality. In triangulation and shouldering out, they bond over a common enemy or outsider.Ego Binge: The bully wins when they take others down. Beating an adversary or competitor is a way for anyone to feel like they’ve won, but it’s the only way a bully feels they’ve won. They might break a past personal best record, but this will mean little to nothing to them because they want to feel better than others. Being better than their past self isn’t enough. Unfair comparisons: This comes out of a competitive mindset. Who’s best, strongest, smartest, unrealistic standards.FUNResist and Reject Positivity: Their mantra is keep it negative. They won’t laugh (unless it’s to belittle), won’t play along (unless it’s to gang up), won’t accept (unless it’s to create in-group/out-group), won’t try new things (unless it’s to make fun of them), won’t listen (unless it’s predatory listening), won’t empathize (unless it’s manipulative).Isolate: The bully feels deeply disconnected from others. They are always in it alone, and their targets must be as well. Deep down bullies crave connection and friendship and because they believe they can’t get it without coercion and control, they opt for the next best thing: control. They understand isolation well and use it to divide you from good people, good feelings and a good time.SECURITYAggressive or Passive Aggressive: The point here is to be against something but not in favor of something else. Aggression is for going against something or someone in a direct way. Passive aggression is to do the same thing but in a way that goes undetected. Both are destructive (tearing down) not constructive (building up). Assertiveness can look a lot like aggression, but it’s different in that the intent behind it is collaborative repair and constructiveness.Victimize: If someone else feels disempowered it translates as power to a bully as long as the bully feels superior to the victim and especially if they were the one who victimized the victim. Bullies also love to play the victim so that they can blame their target. Threat and blame are two ways to take away another’s sense of security.SENSE OF SELFCause You To Second Guess: they call into question our feelings, opinions, preferences, sense of the situation or memory of what happened before. Tell you how you feel, what you think, who you like, what you’re worth. This is imposing a mood or frame on you.Gossip: Talking about the things that will keep people down. Not just the people being gossiped about but the listening gossipers too. Negative topics that bring about shame, fear, anger, guilt keep people lower than the bully in the minds of others and in their own minds.

Today’s episode is a reminder to remember that the bully is the wrong one.Steven Pressfield said, “A bully has no power of their own. Their power derives entirely from our fear of it.”If a bully’s power is built from our fears, then we can pull the plug on their power over us at any time. They are only powerful if we empower them.To halt their power to remove the bf we have to see them as wrong not scary.Of course we know bullies are wrong in a general way, but the closer they get to us, the stronger their power to influence us becomes, which leaves us likely to second guess ourselves.Bullies push their agenda and opinions on us constantly.The more they can crowd your mind with thoughts of them and what they think, the more you’ll go along with them.People go along with them whether they agree or not because bullies are scary.Bullies break rules and social norms, which adds to their power of intimidation and manipulation.One reason the bullied get bullied is a tendency to consider others before themselves.This tendency leads some of us to assume we’re the wrong one whenever another person disagrees.It’s a fawn response (trying to keep the peace and make others like us and less likely to hurt us).We all know threat responses ffff have the opposite effect with bullies because our anxiety is BF.When we give in to others as a default, we enable friends to do things we don’t want because we fear not being liked, and we enable bullies out of that fear too.Enabling others out of fear is the definition of bully food.And we set ourselves up to be in a power imbalance.Initially this tendency to over compromise ourselves can make us seem like ideal friends. We set our own perspective aside to see another’s point of view. They feel seen and valued by us. Who could be a better friend?It’s when we allow our standards and boundaries to be challenged and maybe even dictated to us that the quality turns bad.Compromise means BOTH people are respected.Real friends want to compromise. ALWAYS. They want to share. They want to invest. They want to cooperate and collaborate.Why? Because friends want a balance of power so the relationship can be mutually beneficial. Give and take. Friends want this because it’s healthy. It’s what makes the friendship strong. IT’S WHAT’S RIGHT.Unfortunately, compromise is off the table with bullies. They are unwilling...Only they can be right, and therefore you must be wrong. Your tendency to assume others are right fails you dealing with the bully because they will only take advantage of it and build their power off you like a parasite.This is why you must train yourself to remember they are the wrong ones. Until they can learn to cooperate and treats others with respect and kindness, they are WRONG.Their strategy fails to get them what they want (security and connection) because it’s toxic.And here’s why:Bullies are jerks simply because they are too insecure to believe they can get along with others.So they learn to see every interaction as a chance for power. That’s it.Sadly the power they seek is a misguided attempt to get security and connection, and mistreatment of others is the exact wrong way to go about it.So at the most basic behavioral level they are wrong, and everything they do from that point forward will be wrong too.You have to train yourself to do two things: assume they are wrong and be brave enough to call it out.

Make yourself laugh, and you set the frame. This is the most fun way to build self-acceptance.Inside jokes are designed to bring some people in and leave others out. They are wonderful between friends, but they are also a classic bully move, and I love using bully tactics for good.By having inside jokes with yourself, you bring yourself in and leave the world out. This isn’t full exclusion only partial denial…basically we let the world wonder what makes us tick, which sparks their curiosity.We never let them in on the joke, setting boundaries is empowering, but we invite them to join us on a funny adventure just by being playful.The ability to self-amuse shows you don’t depend on others to have fun.Anti-bullies are non-needy and can remain calm, the opposite of bf qualities like reactiveness and anxious agitation.Being able to laugh at yourself first, others are far more likely to laugh with you than at you. And having a good time brings you into the moment, making you present and aware.Plus you’ll be able have a great time in any situation if your main goal is to amuse yourself.And you always get to be the judge of how things go, because you’re the comedian and the audience.Listen for some of my favorites ways I make myself laugh!Whenever you self-amuse it’s an inside joke with yourself.Inside jokes are meant to go undetected, which means you shouldn’t overdo it or reveal it.Bullies use inside jokes to exclude people: They don’t want to uplift anybody with humor, so the joke is no more than mean sarcasm, and it’s seems inside but they make sure it’s revealed to hurt the target.To reverse the power of an inside joke from divisive to self-accepting, you must keep it chill and private. Nobody can think you’re doing it at their expense or to leave them out.It’s about having fun on your own and accepting yourself as one of the most fun people around.I cannot stress this enough: They joke is for you. It’s never about making others laugh. As soon as you do it to make others laugh, it looses its power for you and for them.You might as well hop back into your clown car because you’re acting a fool.These jokes are to make you laugh on the inside, and the happy side effect will be others’ appreciation.You make your own fun, others will see you as fun. You accept yourself, others will accept you on your terms.Have fun coming up with some good ones!

The first thing to know about all bullies is they are ALL hungry.What I mean by hunger in a social sense is desperately wanting to get approval, recognition, status and connection with others.Bullies are hungry in two main ways:One, they will do anything to get better at bullying because they think it’s the only way they can get ahead socially.Two, they are desperate tryhards, which is how you should view them and treat them.Bullies are hungry for attention, approval, validation, connection, but instead of getting it through acceptance, they get it through the rejection of someone else.They think they need to knock others down or out of the way to get what they want, which is power. But they disempower themselves in the process because they’re too hungry. All they can ever be in bully mode is a low down jerk.TWO SIDES OF THE SAME COIN:Hungry equals desperate and trying too hard for attention. Bullies do anything to get others rejected, and their victims are desperate to be accepted. Both are hungry.They are just as insecure and definitely more pathetic than any of their targets or victims. The bully thinks they’d be targeted if they weren’t the first to attack.Bullies and their targeted victims are coming from the same place: fear of rejection, isolation and abandonment.The bullied and the bully are two sides of the same coin, and that coin is competition for social position.They are just as hungry in the dynamic as you. You want to fit in, and so do they. You just do it in opposite ways.BECOME AN ANTI-BULLY:So what’s the solution? How do you stop being hungry and use the bully’s hunger to your advantage?First we must ask how does either one (the bullied one or the bully) get out of the cycle? No surprise, the answer is the same for both…The answer is don’t be either. Don’t be a bully and don’t be bullied. Be an anti-bully instead.Let them continue to try hard and over compensate, but you become an anti-bully.Anti-bullies refuse to depend on others for approval. Anti-bullies validate themselves, which is why they cannot be a victim or a bully. They will not change or cower to be accepted no matter how weak they feel, nor will they tear someone down to get ahead even if they’re powerful enough to do so.Once you stop trying for the bully’s acceptance, they’ll no longer be able to deprive you of it.What deprives you feeds them. In the bullying cycle both people are hungry but only the bully gets fed. The bully feeds on your deprivation.The moment you stop your appetite for approval/validation/acceptance/peace from them or anyone else, is the moment you cut off their supply because they cannot feel fed by your hunger anymore.All that will be left is their hunger (need to see others rejected).What happens next is their hunger will double.For a short time they will try even harder to take from you, diminish you, damage you, degrade you…their hope is to make you feel awful, so you’ll get hungry once again for approval.The catch is it won’t seem so awful when you see the most important thing:YOU HAVE MADE THEM HUNGRIER.Let this sink in. If you make them hungrier, what does that tell you? You’ve stopped the bully food, yes. You’ve stopped the cycle of bullying, yes. You were an anti-bully, yes.Anti-bullies don’t get bullied, and they don’t bully others.They accept themselves and they accept others.Accept yourself first and foremost. Accept that some people suit you in life and others don’t, but nobody is worth handing over your power.

It might be a lot to ask during your summer break, or maybe you’ve been bored all summer, so it’s the perfect time. Hear me out when I say you must get better at being bored and even a little uncomfortable, dissatisfied or disappointed. I’ll tell you exactly why and how you should exercise your boredom muscle to make it as strong as possible.When you know how to manage your own boredom, you have a superpower for life. No joke. It’s called frame control.Think this through: Your capacity for boredom and dissatisfaction is your capacity to stick to a goal, complete assignments, listen to others you disagree with, focus instead of daydream, hold your own despite the odds, try new things, break bad habits, wait for better outcomes or options, appreciate the little things, deal with jerks, maintain your frame.Learn to handle low levels of stimulation or disturbance, and you’ll be much more able to stay present.As you do this you’ll find all boredom is in your mind. It’s your mind begging for entertainment like a bratty child.This child will go down kicking and screaming until it gets the distraction it wants IF you indulge it.Instead, become okay without thinking and letting your mind wander. Be okay with nothingness in the face of irritation, annoyance, unpleasantness.Thinking too much blocks us from full access to living in the moment. The less we think, reflect, analyze, plot and plan, the more we actually live. You can always turn to your mind to solve a problem, but don’t let your mind turn you and your existence into a problem.How you ask? How do you reduce all this thinking?You can pay attention to your thoughts without judgment. Pay attention to your breathing. Or pay attention to silence. This will make you more aware of this moment, which is called presence.You can also learn to stick with an uncomfortable state: Stretch your tight muscles. This isn’t just good for your physical health, but your mental health too. If you can last through an uncomfortable hamstring stretch, you’ll be able to last in an unpleasant confrontation.This will enable to you to maintain your frame no matter who or what challenges it.The mental equivalent of stretching tight muscles is to lean into boredom. Let whatever bores you help you get better.Learn to be focused without being interested: Study something difficult you don’t enjoy. If you can handle intellectual complexity, you can handle emotional complexity. Both will make you more savvy with people.HOWGeneric sources of boredom and discomfort:Sit in silenceListen to the whole podcast episode in one sitting (maybe listen twice)Stretch tight musclesEat raw veggies and bland foods for an entire daySay little to nothing in a conversation with several others or take extra long to reply to a messageDraw the same picture 10 times in a rowGo without devices and screensDo chores (your parents will love it)Observe your thoughts and resist any urge to judge themNotice your breathing pattern or the sensations you feel, smell, hearIntentionally have no fun for several hours: no games, activities, entertainmentDelay satisfaction: Wait to respond to a friend. Get the tedious things done before the fun ones.REVIEWThe more bored you can be, the more likely you are to walk away from fun or easy options when they don’t suit you: Crumby friends, dangerous activities, procrastination, short term gratification, people pleasing. You’ll also be able to stick with anything long enough for it to become boring/easy: skills, difficulties, emotions, problems.

What is a frame? The way you view an interaction and your part in it. What you assume to be true about yourself and the others. What you believe. What you can and cannot do. This creates an underlying context for the interaction and how it should go. As long as you hold your frame, it will be stronger than everyone else’s, and things will go your way.Believe it or not, but you already play in a frame with your bully. Even in the worst bullying interactions, you had a frame, and unfortunately one of two things was true: Either your frame was strong and confident, but the bully’s frame was stronger, or your frame could improve by flipping it around, so it matches the inner you.BODY LANGUAGE:People will usually accept whatever frame you set as long as you match it with the right tone and body language.Going back to episodes about body language, we already know the best way to improve your body language is to change what you believe about yourself.It’s more about how you communicate or behave than what you say or do. It’s your frame of mind.FRAMEWORK:Control the frame and you’ll control the conversation and your own options.Humor is a great way to switch frames. This works on others and yourself. This is why I encourage you to watch comedy and practice it.If you make the bully laugh, you can bet you just controlled their frame. They were unpleasant and unfriendly, now they’re playful and upbeat at least for a second.Laughter indicates a frame change, but so does any emotional shift. If the bully is reacting to your frame, they’re in your frame, and you’re in control.This means you decide how you’ll view the interaction in a way that best suits you. If one frame isn’t working, switch to another. It’s okay to change as long as you’re not changing to the bully’s frame.CREATE OPTIONS:Never limit yourself to what others think is possible. It’s good to know what they see as your options, but you must always be ready to define the list.Once again, you’ll steer the conversation by changing what you believe, and you’ll change your beliefs when you know you have options .That’s the power of framework. Instead of having to think about each move you make, you will operate according to what you believe, knowing it’s completely within your power.FRAMES TO LEARN:Frames that work against bullies are just the opposite of what hasn’t worked:*This is a waste of my time is the opposite of this is highly important.*I’m calm/bored is the opposite of I’m anxious.*I’m #1 is the opposite of you’re #1. (I’m in charge, People look to me,*We’re friendly (collaborative) vs We’re enemies (competitive).Once we get into a frame, we operate by its playbook without thinking.Imagine you’re in the I’m bored frame when the bully comes around, and ask yourself:What do I believe? What comes naturally in this frame of mind? What can I get away with saying or doing? Is this frame working, or do I need to switch? What do I want and what are my options?Imagining through visualizations is your first step to practice a new frame.The second step is living within this new frame in a low stakes interaction. Friends, family, neighbors, randoms at school.Once you’re used to your new frames from the low stakes practice, you’ll naturally extend the frame to high pressure situations like dealing with the bully.

Insults are attacks plain and simple. You must defend yourself against attacks, but being defensive is bully food. So what’s the difference between being defensive and standing up for yourself. That’s what we’re about to get into afterIf you attack the content of the insult, that’s defensive. If you attack the person’s frame who just insulted you, that’s standing up to them.By attacking the content of an insult but not the person who said it, you silently accept that person’s behavior toward you and their frame of mind--where they’re coming from. AKA their frame.They keep thinking they’re good to go and you’re the chump who’ll take it, ready to dish the BF whenever they get hungry.You have to stand up to THEM, NOT what they say and do.We only defend what we believe is vulnerable. What the bully says about you shouldn’t matter to you nearly as much as their attempt to control your frame. Usually not being defensive against their insult is enough to show your frame is stronger than theirs.However, most bullies continue on and on with insults until they crack you, so you have to attack their frame by holding yours.Instead of fighting the insult, you should accept it in one of three ways:Turn it against the bully:ORTurn it into a joke:ORSay nothing and change the topic:Never attack the content. Control the FRAME. OR another way to look at it is to never literally defend yourself. Set the frame and make them react to you.Recognize the bully's frame so you can switch them to yours.We’ll learn much more about framing and reframing in the next episode. I’ve talked about both in the past few weeks, and hopefully now I’ve peaked your interest enough to learn the nitty gritty.The basics here: Attack the bully’s frame of mind and the negative assumptions behind their behaviors. Do not attack the specific things they say or do to you. Another way to think of this is to aim for their reasons for being a jerk not the jerk moves themselves. They want you to overreact or cower to their moves. They don’t expect you to attack them as a person, but that’s what is needed. Call them out for being a bully NOT bullying you.Watch on YouTubehttps://youtu.be/wf2RPff9L2E

Dr. Wayne Dyer said, “Go the extra mile. It’s never crowded there.” This quote has many meanings we’ll explore today, but it’s main message is you’ll accomplish your goals with little competition if you’re willing to go farther than most others.This episode is a follow-up to last week when we looked at how to reframe discouragement to maintain our determination.This week’s lesson is what to do with that determination.We know to reframe discouragement to keep our determination up.But how do we aim that determination? Where do we go with it or because of it?First remember less is more when it comes to confidence especially to deal with bullies. Always keep the BF principles in mind. Less is more!When you go the extra mile in school or with a hobby or friendship, do you simply make more of an effort toward that effort or person? No! If you think about it, going the extra mile means doing what nobody else thought to do or even could do.The extra mile is the same with a bully. It means you do what few others do.When we go the extra mile we don’t do extra, we do the extraordinary.Determination to beat a bully means you do what nobody dares to do.You push past the barriers that stand between you and your goal.Some of the barriers are imagined, some are real. Some are warnings, some are risks, some are real threats, most are paper tigers.Calculate the level of physical safety risk and go from there. If you feel it's too risky, back off and involve the adults and authority figures. If it's unlikely to be a danger, proceed. Please go back to episode 4 to learn more about determining a bully's threat level.Push right through those barriers. NO MATTER WHAT!This is the secret ingredient to every win: At some point the winner looks past every barrier they’ve got to get to the other side.But how?? Everything you want is on the other side of fear, but how do put your determination ahead of any fear?Here it is, the thing nobody wants to hear, but they have to:To beat a bully, you have to be willing to say, “Forget it, I’m going all in no matter what! Whatever comes can’t be as bad as staying stuck here.”You have to say to yourself, “Deep down I’d rather put up with the bully’s worst than one more day of being under their thumb!”It’s true. No matter what comes from standing up can’t be as bad as this cycle.Next time we’ll go into how to stand up without being defensive, but before you can do that you must decide to be over this!

In this episode we’ll go through what it really feels like before you’re about to win.I mean to show you you’re on the right track even when it feels like you’re not.After another year of school and putting up with a bully, this is a good time for a pep talk.A reframe. Changing the way you look at discouragement to motivate yourself. You must cultivate your ability to reframe especially when it seems like you’re never going to get there. This ability is the key to success.Remember winning is always possible as long as you keep going. Winners focus on winning, and losers focus on winners.Everyone loses but as long as you focus on winning, you’re a winner. And it’s lonely along the extra mile.The way it feels on the extra mile—the place before you win—is what we’re here to discuss.How it feels before you win:It’s a blend of determination and discouragement, and as long as you’re more determined than discouraged, you’re about to win.First we must dissect what makes us feel discouraged, so we know what to do from there to keep our determination.Discouragement comes in various forms that boil down to: setbacks, overstimulation, impatience and criticism from naysayers who might even mean us well. I’m going to show you how to reframe them all.A setback is a moment in time when you don’t meet your goals. It’s temporary and changeable going forward, but it can feel like the end of the road.Reframe setbacks as one more step to ultimate success, little clues about which ways to avoid, little failures to learn from that make you stronger, proof that you’re human and at your learning edge.Oversimulation causes highs and lows that end in burnout. It depletes your energy and makes time seem to stand still.People can go overboard on thinking and analysis, forcing their desired outcomes, or trying to learn and improve quickly chasing that dopamine cycle. Overdoing it will backfire. Why? Because less is more. Over time the ups and downs teach your brain that only outstanding pleasure will satisfy you.How to reframe: Tell your subconscious mind you can take it easy by actually pumping the breaks. Slow down, repeat one skill at a time until you’ve got it rather than trying to learn it all at once, take breaks from devices, teach yourself to appreciate simplicity.Impatience comes from measuring too often and/or too soon.You are trying so hard (or maybe you’re not at the moment), but what you want hasn’t worked out…YET!I know you want to see results now. You want to beat the bully! I want you to too, and you eventually will.To reframe your impatience: Keep focusing on where you’re going NOT where you are. Stop measuring and checking. If you notice something you’re doing is working, do more of it.Naysayers knock the wind out of your sails even when they mean to help.Reframe their doubts and fears as something separate and increasingly distant from you.Find the fun in doing the things others can’t imagine for you. There’s nothing better than getting away with what used to seem impossible.Notice any time you becoming a naysayer to your own plans and goals. To recap, what winning feels like just before it happens is: doubt and fear, disappointment, small changes, impatience, overwhelm, highs and lows, temptation to force your desired outcome or give up, and loneliness as you walk the extra mile.Reframe these feelings as you keep at it.Sooner or later you will win.Then you’ll win again and again and again.

I heard someone recently say humor is our emotional immune system.Humor and laughter work in a similar way to reframe our pain and traumas.Have you ever wondered why some kids laugh when they get in trouble with a teacher and only make it worse with their silly responses? Or when someone breaks into uncontrollable laughter after learning something that’s anything but a laughing matter?It’s because humor is healing. People naturally find a better way to feel when they’re overwhelmed by hard emotions.Today lesson is how to use comedy, humor and laughter to reverse what the bully does. We can break this into three strategies for times you’re alone, with friends, and with the bully.Alone: Start watching comedians. You need to laugh as often as possible for three reasons: laughter heals you, it’s infectious, and watching the greatest comics will make you funnier.Study funniness to make it yours. Watch improv games on YouTube. It will heal you as you go, and as you use what you learn your vibe will be amazing. Humor attracts the best people and repels the worst people.Friends: The person who listens, says the least and asks questions holds the power in any interaction.Everyone loves you when you’re interested in what they say, and it couldn’t be easier.You can have everyone eating out of your hand: Say less, ask questions, show interest, smile, find a way to add a little humor.When you’re happy, you smile. The reverse is true too. When you smile, you feel happier, and everyone loves to see a smile aimed their way.Everyone except a bully that is. Why? Because bullies are insecure and miserable people, who want to keep others down.They will laugh, but only to reduce others with gossip, dirt, rumors of others’ misfortune and ridicule are funny to them. They will not allow jokes to fight their upsets. They’d rather wallow in misery. Deep down they don’t believe they can escape.This is why you have to laugh in front of them.Bully: When you get in front of the bully, use your happy energy and comedic knowledge to blast off.It’s really hard to drag someone down who’s in a great mood and refuses to leave it.The bully needs to learn this lesson, and here's how to deliver it to them.Yes—,and—Your agreement with an addition.Here’s some of the worst things bullies say and examples of how to use yes, and to respond:Your clothes suck: Yeah, I don’t bother to look good for losers like you.Do you know nobody likes you: Yes, I’m getting that. Are you always this friendly?You gonna cry?: I might, did you forget deodorant again?You’re stupid/ugly/fat: Yeah, and you’re still talking to me for some reason. I guess that’s your problem.You’re so annoying: Ooh good, I'm glad it’s working.Why do people even like you?: People like a mystery..even you can figure that out.Go kill yourself: Uhh I think I’ll wait for that to happen naturally. Do you need help though? I’m serious.You’re weird: Better than being boring, which I don’t need to explain to you.I wish you were dead: It’d probably be better than being around you. Inappropriate comment about your body: Eww, I didn’t know you were checking us out in that way.Your identity: What do you mean? Oh, so you’re racist or homophobic. Now we know.It was just a joke: Oh, now I know why you never laugh if you think that’s funny.You’re a loser: Yeah, I have bad examples..even the cool kids at my school suck.People like others who are fun and make them feel good, and they reject jerks who bring everyone down with negativity.Make humor your default.

A hobby can be as good as a best friend, especially when you’re dealing with a bully.I have three reasons for this:1- Getting good at something builds confidence, focus and gives you something to be proud of about yourself. When you see yourself as accomplished, as somebody who follows out their own intentions and dreams, it raises your self-esteem. Watching yourself improve over time also builds confidence. You’ll see that you CAN do difficult things and go past your old barriers to success. If you can do one difficult thing, you can apply your success in that area to meet other goals (like beating your bully at their own game). Get out of your comfort zone and you’ll be much stronger.2- If you have a great hobby, you always have something better to do than hang out with people who aren’t being friends: drama queens, gossips, energy vampires, bullies. Dealing with bullies and how they mistreat you can be quite isolating. In fact bullies use isolation as a tactic to keep you down. When we feel out of touch with others, outcast or like we don’t fit in, we are weakened. This puts us in a position where we’re more likely to dish out the BF: hand over our power, lose emotional control, do whatever it takes to keep a “friend” happy or keep a bully in check.3- Way to meet new and better friends and expand your social experience. Sometimes all you need to reframe the way you see yourself as a friend is to make some new friends. And friends are easier to find, make and keep when you share something in common that you like to do/get better at.Hobbies I recommend: Guitar or rock band instrument, dance like hiphop or swing, card games and board games, photography, yoga, animal care and sports like agility, tracking, barn hunt or frisbee, biking, track and field, swimming, rowing and paddling, outdoor survival, awareness and pursuits, skate/snow/surf boarding, watercolor painting, roller skating, thrift shopping and used clothing redesign, sewing/knitting/crochet, crafts, cooking and baking, D&D and other games, legos, writing, journals and scrapbooks, calligraphy, origami, bikes and rock climbing, birdwatching or astronomy, gardening, walks and hikes, martial arts, magic, stand-up or improv comedy, acting and singing, reading and club or author events, collecting, traveling (even if it’s planning trips to take as and adult by learning about places of interest to you), podcasting, learn a language, volunteer.Why do I bring this up now?As I talked about last week, vacation is a perfect time for reflection and to remake yourself.Develop a new skill and make it into a hobby with this time off. Next year you’ll have something to look forward to or engage in when things don’t go your way or social options are limited.

When you feel like you can do nothing right, do the opposite!Welcome!Many of us are either about to be on vacation from school, or we already are.A well deserved break from the pressures of school, including your bully if that’s where you see them.Regardless of whether getting out of your regular routine means you won’t see the bully or not, it’s still a time to for you regroup.Young people grow quite a bit over the summer holidays, and you’ve been working through some tough challenges in your personal development.You’ve earned this chance to reflect and incorporate what you’ve learned this year.I realize long vacations can be anything but fun for kids. They can equal many hours spent waiting for parents to get home from work. They can be lonely, and they can also be too social with siblings and neighbors, while missing school friends.My point is summer days off mean different things to different people.Transitioning to vacation time is a difficult adjustment for lots of us, just as hard as returning to school can be.Opposite Day can be abrupt, but often it’s just the ticket!Anytime we switch and do the opposite of what we’ve been doing, change happens, often for the better.This brings me to the theme of today’s lesson, which is to do the opposite.And vacation is a perfect time to shift who you are, switch up your game, try new things, become a new you.I’ll be blunt here. Bullies can make us feel like losers, and when you feel like a loser, it can feel like everything you do goes terribly wrong.So, why not do exactly the opposite? If what you’ve done up to this point hasn’t worked, wouldn’t it be better to just do the opposite?Albert Einstein said it well with this quote: ‘Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.’What he meant was to experiment and try new strategies if you want different outcomes.When it seems like nothing is going your way, take a step back and see where you can switch it up.There are several ways to approach this:1-You could be almost silly about it and do exactly the opposite of what you usually do. 2-Another way to do the opposite is to look at your habits. Take a hard look at the patterns, behaviors, and moods you habitually do, and see if doing something new would be just the change that makes the difference.3-A third way to do celebrate Opposite Day is to do things the wrong way or the more difficult way on purpose. This isn’t so much about making intentional mistakes, which is a great strategy for overall success. It’s about interrupting what’s normal. I would never encourage you to ignore your gut instincts or do what you know is bad or wrong. However, we must be flexible and openminded about ways we could improve. We can all improve. Nobody is perfect.This is a great time to get good at being different. People forget details about each other when they spend time apart. Use this vacation time to become a new and improved version of yourself and resist any impulse to use it as a way to hide.

Here’s the idea behind this lesson: When it comes to dealing with the bully, see what you can get away with.Whatever it is you’d do if you knew you’d win no matter what..do that!Test and find out what you can get away with around people. You tell them you’re somewhat okay with losing them, or losing out in the situation.When you’re willing to risk, you’re willing to lose, but remember people don’t take risks unless they think they’re more likely to win.So what you really say in taking calculated risks is: I’m probably going to win.In other words: I’m betting on me. I’m a winner. I have good judgment. The outcome means less than the attitude.This winner’s attitude inspires others.People love to see someone who doesn’t care and isn’t stressed. A rarity.It may seem a little like giving up to accept risk, but as soon as you do it, you’ll feel like a winner.The attitude is worth more than the outcome.Make no mistake, you will lose some of the time, but by that point you won’t care.Because the feeling of laughing failure in the face is better than any win.Here’s how to practice and get good, so you can risk it for the biscuit:To give yourself the illusion you cannot fail, start small.Start small and focus on impressing yourself. With small wins the cost of failure is relatively small too, and if impressing yourself is the goal, you get to rate yourself.This is about self amusement NOT showing off.You never want to show off to show up a bully.Get away with something that will make you feel happy, strong, confident, and satisfied.Self amusement around a bully always follows our principles: Make it Boring, Less is More, Lose to Win, Never Nice, Always Kind, and Actions speak louder than words.Here are some self-amusement prompts I’d use according to each BF principle:Make it boring: Yawn whenever you see the bully .Less is more: Don’t finish sentences you speak to the bully. Leave them hanging. Better yet, never finish a sentence that’s about the bully either.Lose to win: Sarcastically say, “You win,” to the bully, or “They win,” about the bully. Then roll your eyes. Never nice, always kind: Make cringe faces about everything the bully does, but never let them seeing you do it. Just make the cringe face for your own amusement. The key to this is to close your eyes when you do it. Actions speak louder than words: Laugh more. Laugh at your jokes with yourself. Remember self-amusement and the thrill of getting away with things no matter the outcome is the ticket. It’s empowering to laugh failure in the face. Taking small risks gets you into the winner’s circle just as much as big ones.When you feel like a winner, you act and look like one too. Occasionally losing is a small price to pay for that.Have fun!

Path of least resistance means focusing on what you want as much as possible.You will certainly feel things that will make you doubt what you want and what you’re going for.But really there is no doubt. There is only trust.Either you trust in what you want (your way), or you trust in what you fear (the bully’s way).Yes you have had a series of bad experiences and failures with this bully.So of course you feel some fear.However, it’s what you feel most that you get.Ask yourself how you can feel good and secure even about the fear you’ve faced or are still facing with this bully.If I had to guess, you might be able to feel good and secure with all that you’ve learned.Whatever you know because of this bullying and whatever you’re learning now is to your advantage.Think about it! You know what it’s like to be bullied and what it’s like to be disliked.Some people don’t know what being disliked means. They fear it because they don’t understand it.You do! You don’t have to fear being disliked as they do because you do know about it.That doesn’t mean you like it. Just that you don’t fear it from a standpoint of ignorance or innocence.This experience can make you secure in the way all experiences give certainty.And what could be good you ask about being disliked??Freedom. There is freedom in the willingness to be disliked. Because you are willing to be yourself at all costs.There’s even more freedom in having already been disliked. It means not only that you are willing to accept being disliked but that you also know you can handle it.Now, all you must do is continue in the direction of your freedom.You didn’t want to be disliked by the bully, but now that you have, see it as a gift.The gift of freedom from fear of what others might think.Drop the importance you used to place on success with others, and put the importance on your freedom instead.Focus on liking yourself and what others will like about you instead of being afraid of judgement and dislike.Focus on the water and you’ll hit the water. Focus on the rocks and you’ll hit the rocks.Feel good and secure because of the bully instead of wishing they’d go away.They have taught you things to make you stronger, braver. They have exposed you to problems to learn and overcome.We can worry about the bullies, which is what they want us to do, or we can be thankful we known them, which means we see them for what they are.Even better they see us for what we are.When it comes to a bully, follow the path of least resistance: Choose the easy way instead of trying to choose the best way.

Teachers want to help, and also we have a lot on our plate.The best way to get a teacher’s help is to make your problem their problem too.Fortunately the strategy I’m about to teach you goes hand in hand with leveling the playing field with your bully or bullies.What you want is to be on equal footing with all the other kids involved and for the teacher to initiate any problem solving that occurs.The reason you want to be on equal footing with the bully or bullies is so they don’t see you as a tattletale. They need to see you are equal to them: Equally naughty, equally guilty, equally tough.Let’s face it, being a tattletale is BF. It sets you apart from other kids, reliant on busy adults who may or may not get it.This brings me to the second part: Why you want teachers to imitate problem solving that occurs.When the teacher brings up the problem, they are more invested in solving it. Teachers are responsible for maintaining order among students, and they will work hard to do so once they see the problem as theirs to solve. More on this in a little bit.The added benefit of the teacher initiating problem solving is that ALL kids involved are equally in trouble, and nobody can be blamed for the teacher getting involved because the teacher did it on their own.Or so it would seem…This is how you get the teacher involved. This is how you tell the teacher you need help without tattling on anyone:Step one: Tell the teacher you have had enough of the bully or bullies, and that you plan to stand up for yourself even if you have to do it during class.Step two: Make a scene with the bully during that teacher’s class or in front of that teacher outside of class. It’s much better to do it during their class.That’s it! But…you must be willing to actually make a scene. You might seem worse behaved than the bully, or like you started it. So what!Remember your goal is to create a problem for the teacher that they need to solve, so they initiate whatever discipline, problem solving and resolution has to happen.Now for some key points to keep in mind:-You don’t have to warn the teacher ahead of time, but if you trust them and want to let them know where you’re coming from, go for it.-You should feel free to make a scene in front of the teacher, but make sure you do it after the bully has said or done something deserving of your big response. Let loose in a way that fits the situation and is proportional to the bully’s behavior. In other words, match what they’ve done or dish it back with slightly more intensity.-Be willing to get in some trouble—it’s a small price to pay for involving a teacher in a way they can/will actually help. When I say some trouble I mean disrupt class to stand up to the bully. I don’t mean go totally bananas and break school rules at the highest level.

Acceptance means sticking with your story even in moments when it seems like the bully will never back off.The way to accept that things will eventually fall into place and you’ll get through this bullying better for it, is to stop checking.Checking is…reassurance seeking.We do it to assess the outcome of our goals before they’ve happened. It’s too soon to know, but we NEED to know now, so we check too early and too often.This kind of data collection AKA checking will give you a false reading whether the news is good or bad in any given moment.Why you might ask can we not trust such data? The answer is because you haven’t allowed enough time to pass for the bullying pattern to completely dissipate.Bullying, no matter how long it’s gone on, will eventually end after a period of your calm and low effort (anti bully food) approach.However, it will take time to see the bully completely disappear from your life. My point is you have been dealing with the problem of bullying for a bit of time, and it will take a bit of time to move past it. This is something you must accept as part of your behavioral shifts and healing.Your emotions and confidence have taken a hit from the bullying, and they will recover from all your persistence over time.Checking your progress early and often in the hopes of reassuring yourself things are working in your favor will only lead to tension.This is true for two reasons: the first is doubting creates more doubt. Ironically people check and reassure for a sense of certainty but engaging doubt only reinforces the uncertainty. Doubt goes against your story because it’s focused on what you don’t want. When we focus on keeping the unwanted thing from happening, we resist and keep our story from flowing.The second reason reassurance leads to tension is if we look outside ourselves for certainty, we give credit to external factors we can’t control instead of crediting ourselves. The only certainty we can control is the sense we can handle uncertainty.We can handle the unknown as it comes, and the more we accept that, the better we’ll be able to do it.The bully will back off eventually. Once you’ve accepted that and the fact that it will take some time, you will be ready to stick with your story.You will give credit to your own calmness and courage rather than looking for external signs or fleeting moments of success.You will expect the process to take some more time, and because you believe things will work out regardless, you will check less and less frequently.You will persist, which means to go forward toward your goal of a bully free social life with little effort, pressure for certainty, or tension within.You will do this because you believe in what you’re learning and your ability to act on it.You will free yourself of being bullied. As long as you calmly persist in your story and not doubt it or resist the story you don’t want, you will get past this tough time.You will likely meet more bullies, and you might have setbacks, but you will never be bullied again like this.Once you let the process you’ve begun unfold completely without checking to see if it’s happened yet, you can only win.It’s inevitable. Just keep going.

It’s your attitude about yourself that people take on and believe. Hold your own and act like you’re #1, and everyone will believe it as long as you do.I bring this up is for those of you who have a tendency to put others’ opinion, taste, attitude, or general approach to life above your own.Once you’ve taken yourself out of first place in your own mind, their approval or validation of you starts to matter more than it should. You can get carried away to the point you forget how to set your own tone.Bullies take advantage of this tendency because so many of their victims have it: The impulse to depend on what others think.This goes past caring what they think. Caring what they think means you factor it in. Depending on it means you can’t act on your own let alone stand your ground against challenges.All they have to do is say something critical or cruel that’s designed to seed the first doubt.These unkind comments are bait.Bullies also challenge what we think and want by putting it in their terms: They’ll tell us what we think, how we feel and what we deserve.The bully’s ploy is to get you doubting and denying yourself.They are betting you have the tendency to hold others’ opinions over your own. Don’t ever wait on what others think to see if it’s okay to be you.If they’re right that it’s your tendency to rely on their opinions or preferences, they’ll make you desperate for their approval and validation before you know it, and then they’ll keep the upper hand. Total bully food.Fortunately the way out of this trap is straightforward. It’s not always easy, but it is simple: Always act like you’re #1.What you’ve won at is being yourself. Constantly claiming to be the best at anything else makes you seem conceited and you’ll always have challengers. In fact, some people become targets of bullying because they go too high on their horse.The only thing you can win at against everyone else on this earth is being you. Nobody can beat you at that.There is always someone who can beat you at whatever else, which is why you must never build your self concept on such competitions and performances. You’ll look like a clown, you’ll be living up to others’ options and standards, and ultimately you will lose.This means you must lead with your personality as the most valuable thing you have to share. You are your best asset, and every day you live is another opportunity to outperform yourself.As long as you believe wholeheartedly that you’re the best (at being you), everyone else will too. I have to empathize you must believe first to be the #1 of your life.Never accept second best from anyone, least of all yourself. Show them you cannot be made to feel bad about who you are. They can’t put you in 2nd place.Play the star of your own show rather than a supporting role in somebody else’s.You do this by validating yourself. Decide what’s cool to you and that anyone else’s idea of it comes second.Remember, you aren’t trying to be better than anyone by bragging, showing off or putting others down.You aren’t comparing yourself to others, and you’re not competing with them.No! Simply show you agree with yourself, whether they agree or not. You give yourself the #1 stamp of approval no matter who’s around. You give yourself permission to be your best.You are there to offer your best to everyone, which makes you a prize for all.Only you can decide which critiques to accept as useful or legitimate. If a bully says some criticism, show it’s of no use to you by acting as if they don’t exist.The thing is, nothing really is any better or cooler than anything else. The only difference is the meaning we give the things.When you decide what’s meaningful to you and stick with it, the bully’s bait won’t make your radar.

Tug of war is a well known game. Most of us know it, but I’ll explain it. You pull on one end against others who pull the other way.For a while the rope has quite a lot of tension until one side gets enough momentum to pull the other side over. The competition is fun with good natured friends or competitors.So why is the same game of tense resistance between you and your bully such a nightmare?Because competition between friends and good natured competitors is meant to build you up, but bullies always want to drag you down.The tension created in the rope can only be made through cooperation. Everyone plays so that both sides get to have a good time, connecting with others. The tension created between you and a bully is also cooperative, meaning they push or pull and you resist, but the reason it’s not good natured is it only builds the bully up while it drags you down. That’s why you must stop cooperating in the tension by dropping your end of the metaphorical rope.People think tension is bad because it causes stress or it’s the opposite of comfort, and they avoid it for that reason, but tension is actually a vital part of building strong bonds. Here’s the big point I’m trying to make: You wouldn’t support and nurture your relationship with a bully, so why then would you give it tension when tension helps just as much??Of course it’s natural to want to resist (push or pull against) a bully, but doing so provides them with the tension that keeps the cycle alive. This is why principles of bully food like lose to win, less is more, and be as boring as possible work in general.But as I said, I want to show you how to turn this metaphor into a specific strategy…How does dropping your end of the metaphorical tug o’ war rope differ from refusing to play, giving up, ignoring the bully or playing along with them?Timing.There are two ways to beat others at tug o’ war: You win, or you make your opponent lose by dropping the rope to make them fall.This is exactly the same when playing metaphorically. You can try to outperform the bully, or you can outsmart them.The second option is less honorable, but it is the bully we’re talking about.Just like with the real game, you build up the tension and then drop your end when they least expect it.This is different than ignoring them, or giving up/letting them win. It’s also different than losing because it’s choosing to use a jerk move, even if you end up losing. What you need to do is let there be a little bit of controlled tension, where they think they are getting to you.To drop the rope most effectively, you must allow a little tension to build up with false resistance. Then let the “rope” fall flat right at the moment they think you’re about to snap. HA! Gotcha!The cool thing is when you resist in a fake way, it makes any real resistance you might feel start to disappear.The best way to get better at this maneuver is to analyze your past moves with the bully.Ask yourself: How would I have felt differently if all my resistance had been fake? When would have been the perfect moment of tension to drop the rope?You can also watch shows and movies that feature bullies or mean teens. Look for tension between the characters. You can drop the tension between you and your bully whenever you like, and you will immediately diminish the bullying cycle. If you do it after setting them up with some false resistance, you’ll have the added bonus of watching them lose.

When it comes to explaining yourself, less is always more, especially when it comes to a bully or any of their lackeys.Here’s why: First of all, explaining is weak. It gives power over to another. Explaining isn’t all it’s cracked up to be: It’s showing you have integrity at the very last minute instead of when you could have done the right thing. Either you knew what was right and failed to do it, or you didn’t know what was right because your judgment is only good after the fact. Not only is explaining weak, but feeling the need to explain is weak too. Tell me, why must you explain yourself to anybody? Do you answer to them? No, you don’t! And by doing so, you turn yourself into their inferior. Everyone has less than stellar moments or mistakes they could explain away, but that doesn’t mean they should. Instead, take responsibility for what you’ve actually done wrong, apologize sincerely and publicly commit to doing right going forward.You don’t owe others excuses and explanations. You may owe them apologies, commitments, intentions or compromises, but only a few people deserve or have the right to expect explanations from you. Those are your closest friends and family, and occasionally authority figures.It comes down to respect. The people who give you their all deserve the same from you in return. That’s it. Save your explanations for them, and still be sparing. No need to go on and on.Lastly, we explain ourselves to control others’ view of us, to gain their approval. In truth how they see us is beyond our control. If you explain to others how to treat you, they are less likely to step up…Let your actions speak for themselves, never watering them down with words. Explaining means you don’t think people get it. It’s insulting. Even your friends, don’t want to hear you explain unless they specifically ask.Let the other person’s questions be your guide. If they want to know, let them ask, and only answer your friends and family.What’s more, you don’t need them to understand your reasoning. Save your explanations for personal reflection. Write them down to get it all out of your system, and then use the information to reflect on what went well/poorly, what you might change if you could do things over, what you’re okay with regardless of others’ opinions. You can also share your excuses with a friend who is wasn’t involved for good feedback.It’s for this reason your parents and some teachers sincerely do want to hear your explanations. Not so they can excuse you, but so they can help you make better choices in the future. The thing with bullying or bullies and why you should never explain yourself to them is because you’ve probably done nothing wrong, and even if you did, it’s nothing compared to what they’ve done.In fact and explanation is a delicious morsel of bully food. Don’t feed their drama. Don’t let them trick you into lowering your status while raising theirs.In case you haven’t noticed, a classic bully move is to set you up to think you’ve wronged them, messed up, or offended others in some way. They do this to force you into explaining yourself. Resist every urge to take the bait. It’s a losing battle because it’s a trap.Let your treatment of them stand on its own. You’re not embarrassed. You’re not sorry. You’re not wrong. Most importantly you’re not ever giving them the satisfaction of watching you back peddle or walk back your decisions, as if you have anything to be guilty over when it comes to them.Explaining is effort, and it reflects your consideration and remorse. It shows you care.They don’t care about you, and you must mirror that. It’s another aspect of speaking their language. Match their investment. Give them only what they give you.

To make this point simple remember this: Words can mislead, but the body never lies.This applies to everything from a person’s body language to what they choose to do or not do.What a person does says more about them and speaks more about their feelings and intentions than anything they say.A person can say they want to help, but if they don’t do anything helpful or attempt to help, then they don’t want to help. If they say they’re sorry, but then they continue doing the same thing, they’re not so sorry after all. Apologies are nothing in word only, the action behind them what repairs harm and trust.The reverse is true too. If someone says they don’t want to sign up for a tryout at school, but then you see them at the tryouts, then something in them wants to try out more than to avoid trying out. It could their interest overrides their nerves, or it could be they want to please their parent, but you’ll see they do what they actually want, not what they say they want. **A person’s words always count, but their actions may override the words later. Of course someone who is forced to go against their words is not acting freely, and that’s not at all what I mean.Using this principle is less about how you treat others than how you treat yourself. There’s no way to hold your own around others and simultaneously accept rude behavior, and your actions will spell it out for all to see.If you accept their rudeness, you’ve communicated you’re okay with them treating you that way. If you reject their rudeness, you communicate they’ll have to change to keep you around.You must act on your wishes, not just speak them or hope others will make them come true.Actions make the words real. They are actual. By doing them, you and I send a message that sinks as it happens in real life.This is why you must follow through on whatever you say.When you back up what you say with action, you build your self-esteem, or the reputation you have with yourself. You build your reputation with others as well.You don’t have to say what you’ll do before you do it. You don’t need to explain your intentions or spell out your plans. Just do it!Sometimes speaking your intentions before taking action will motivate you and others, have more of an impact, or clarify if such actions would be acceptable to everyone concerned.However, often you don’t need to say a thing. When it comes to a bully, just act. Act in the direction of your purpose and let them figure it out.Impress upon them what you expect by demanding it with action vs telling them with words:“Leave me alone” in words is you walking off in action.“That’s rude!” becomes a snide judgey sneer that empowers you. **All people can send strong signals with their actions regardless of their strengths or weaknesses with communication, non-verbal interpretation, or understanding of emotions.“What did I ever do to you?” turns into a condescending laugh that shows you don’t really care to know.Say whatever you can with your behavior.Why? Because behaviors are what communicate to our lizard brains, the part that reacts with stress, anxiety and fear or the amygdala. You can’t tell it to calm down, you have to act calm until it believes you’re safe.Same thing when dealing with the bully. You have to act annoyed, judgmental, dismissive, unwilling, and intolerant. If you try to talk these things out with a bully, they’ll never give you the chance. They’ll see it coming a mile off that you want to corner them into a reasonable conversation about their crappy behaviors. **In times you cannot act, use words to express your expectations.In fact actions speak louder than words a partner to less is more. Why say it when you can just act on it?

When is it best to do nothing? In response to a bully, almost always is the answer, but let’s get more specific in today’s episode.Any time you feel compelled to fix, change, or make it better with the bully, stop right there because you are handing out the bully snacks in that moment.Notice whenever you feel like you MUST do something about the bully. Get good at noticing this impulse, so you can get good at resisting it.What is it about these kinds of reactions (fixing, changing, adjusting, or making it all better) that makes them interesting to a bully?Two things immediately come to my mind: The knowledge the bully gets from watching you try to win them over, and the power they get from seeing you fail.You misguidedly want to do the right thing: be fun and entertaining, or at least cooperative, to be liked.It’s tough to do nothing when you desperately want to do something to make the pain or discomfort end. And being boring, doing nothing, is SO unsatisfying in such moments.But remember boredom repels bullying and bullies, which is why it’s a bullyfood principle.Being boring in the form of doing just about nothing is today’s lesson in a nutshell.You must almost always be prepared to do just about nothing.What I really mean here is to do nothing more than make sure the bully knows you’re choosing to do nothing about them.This is where detachment comes in.Detachment is your secret power.What is it, why it matters, and how to do it so you can use it?Detachment is letting go of your attachment to a specific outcome, feeling or thing.It matters because being attracted to one thing over another alters your feelings and behaviors around it.Over attachment makes us anxious to get what we desire, and in many cases, it makes us less likely to get it.When it comes to a bully, detachment to the outcome of them leaving you alone, or being treated better by them, makes those things much more likely to happen…Why you ask…because they can only take away an outcome you clearly prefer, if you don’t care, they can’t deprive you. Not only that, but they will also have less information about what you prefer in general, and you will be more relaxed to operate effectively.When you care, you stress, you try, you fix, you change, you make it better. When you stop caring, you empower yourself to relax, and give up the fight.This is all very boring to the bully.The trick is HOW you do it.

It’s amusing to be strategic and do things nobody expects. Helping your enemy strengthens your personal standards by putting them to the test. If you can be kind to a bully, you can be kind to anyone.Helping your enemy also diminishes your self-importance and humbles you. For a minute your ego will kick and scream as you help the bully, but then it will relax, and the better part of you will win! You will call the shots over the small self that would have do damage in the form of reaction and retaliation. Showing kindness to a person you can’t stand is a practice in self-improvement.But how does kindness kill bullying, as in kill ‘em with kindness? Kindness takes down your ego, but it takes theirs down too. Here’s why:Element of surprise—confusion is one aspect of boredom. Remember boredom is either understanding a thing too well or not well enough. And bullies HATE the confusion aspect of boredom because it makes them feel powerless. They’ll never see it coming when you do something nice and will be totally confused. Kindness is also disarming because it’s difficult to be mean to someone who is kind, even for someone who prefers to be a jerk, like the bully. When you lead by example with kindness, they can either follow along and look like a sane person or double down and look like an even bigger jerk, who is has no good reason for it. Kindness is a hallmark of confidence. Think about it…who would be kind to a bully? Who can afford the risk to be kind to a bully? Someone who feels safe and secure despite them. Someone who sees they are a paper tiger. A nothing burger. Someone who feels sorry for them.The bully is not confident enough to be kind. Cruelty and disrespect, power plays and pettiness, always show weakness. They are weak, not confident.Your kindness in the face of their cruelty makes them look terrible by contrast, as long as you’re not a chump about it. Clearly being “kind” for a certain outcome, to get the bully to be nice back, or to make others see you as a good person turns you into a dancing clown because it’s transactional—you trade your self-respect for their civility. It’s manipulation to do things for others with strings attached if you’ve never discussed it. So, don’t be kind to get something. Do it because it’s who you choose to be.To be clear, your kindness is no reward to the bully. They might even perceive it as a slight, as long as you’re not sucking up to them.They don’t want your kindness, they want the bullyfood, which is your power in the form of fear, timidity, reactions, conformity, stress responses etc. Giving them those things rewards them, and you can take that reward away with kindness.Being your sweet kind self, even to them, shows them that no-one, not even big scary bullies, will keep you from being the bigger person.Being kind to a bully is one of the harshest things you can do because kindness is their kryptonite.HA!

Saying "so what" is a wonderful way to respond to an unpleasant person, who you have no energy for, and the bully surely fits that description.“So what?!” Is a slightly annoying and possibly antagonistic thing to say, so definitely don’t say it to someone you want to get along with, unless you’re joking. It’s fairly mild toward a bully, but it could push a someone who is a potential safety threat right over the line, so you need to keep threat assessment in mind before making even harmless moves like this.However, with almost every bully, the beauty of saying, “So what..?” is that it’s totally benign (harmless) but also obnoxiously hard-hitting. It goes under the radar but gets under their skin.Here’s why: "So what" is used to show disregard, contempt and challenge, but nobody thinks about it that deeply when they hear it, unless it comes from a loved one or friend.Listen carefully, this is key!! You may care an awful lot about the bully right now because of all the trouble they put you through, but they DON’T care about you at all!They care about one thing, and that’s getting the bully food.So, that means it won’t bother them at all when you say, “So what,” to them, until they realize it means you’re over them and their crap.It’s like saying ‘whatever,’ except it’s more obnoxious and dismissive, less cliche, and very versatile.Which brings me to how you should use it to your fullest advantage."So what?" is a question nobody expects an answer to, which means you can use it to spotlight a bully’s intentions, bad behavior, or damaged reputation by tagging on a few specifics.So what you’re doing is ——? So what you’re saying is ——? So what you want people to know is ——?You can also do this but make it a statement:So what? Now we all know you’re a jerk. Cool.So what? Now you’re the fashion police. Thanks for the update.Or you can use it in the classic sense as a follow-up:B: Your answer in class was so dumb! You: So what?B: Nobody here likes you. You: So, what do I care?B: You like so-and-so, and I’m going to tell them. You: So what if I do? Better than if you liked them.B: We invited you as a joke…we didn’t mean it. You: So what? Am I supposed to cry now?Use it in the same way whenever someone tells you what the bully has done or said against you.Make sure to do this in a way that includes the person if they’re being friendly, trying to give you a heads up. You do this by including them in your dismissal of the bully.However, if they are just one of the bully’s people, or they’re trying to make you feel bad, say it to them just like you would to the bully.There’s one more secret benefit to saying, ‘so what’ to rude and unpleasant people.The more you disregard and dismiss them by saying it, the more you’ll believe they deserve it. And they absolutely do.Bullies, jerks, and unpleasant rude people need feedback on their negative behaviors if they’re every going to improve. Say ’so what’ to show them exactly what you think of them and their actions.What’s better is you’ll influence yourself to disregard their behaviors and dismiss their presence in other ways.Nothing says, “No more bully food for you,” better than SO WHAT?!

When it comes to putting yourself first, we’ve got two parts to consider.Coming first and going first.Coming first (in your own mind) means choosing yourself.It comes from a place inside us. We commit to meet our own needs as much as possible.It is to prioritize yourself-your own goals, preferences, feelings, opportunities, options, and interests.Coming first ensures you know your own path.It requires self reflection and inner knowing to do that.You must believe you know what’s best for yourself and that you’re worth it.The key is to put whatever is best for you ahead of what others might prefer or choose for you.It doesn’t mean you disregard others’ needs or wishes, just that you count yourself in and factor in what matters most to you right from the start.If you have to choose between what matters to you and what matters to someone else, you would choose yourself as a default.And only put others’ wishes ahead occasionally after careful consideration: how much it matters to them and how much they matter to you.Going first is what follows committing to coming first in your own mind.It means taking whatever matters to you on the inside and bringing it out to the forefront into reality.You do this by stepping up with your actions, sense of what’s right, wrong, too little or too much, boundaries of time, space and capacity to work with others. You set limits. You set the pace. You set the direction. You put things in motion.Going first gives you the best shot at achieving your desires.It requires self determination and a willingness to risk rejection.You must believe in yourself and the power of your vulnerability.The key here is doing these things before others do them. To take the initiative.Setting the tone, pace and direction instead of waiting for others to do so.We should cover how all this relates to bullying.Bullies count on their targets to step aside, to put themselves last and to follow along vs lead.I’ll tell you what they don’t expect, is for you to know exactly what you want and to fearlessly go after it before they get the chance.This is the main thing to keep in mind: when you go first before others, you get first dibs, and you make a good impression.It shows you know your own mind (you’ve thought about what matters to you ahead of time), and you believe you deserve to be successful, because you don’t second guess yourself!Bullies target people who doubt themselves.To review: putting yourself first means you come first and you go first. To come first is a commitment to meeting your own needs instead of allowing others to decide for you, and go first is to act before others do.Start out by noticing what you think, feel, believe and what you want to do about it. Then give yourself permission to do it now without overthinking beforehand or worrying afterwards.

Speak their language.There’s a difference between bullying them back (fight) and showing them you speak their language (acceptance—you’ll mirror them, match them, be like them). The first is retaliation, which is weak and potentially dangerous. Speaking their language isn’t about becoming a bully, it’s showing the bully you know how to play their game and that you’ve got their number.The first is resorting to their methods, which is just another way of going down their path (reacting). The second, speaking their language, is making yourself relatable to them (without stooping to their level) so that they get your message (response).With a bully, you must show them your true self (the side of you who judges them as unworthy of your time, energy and attention), but you must also do it in a way that they can relate to. What does a bully relate to? What they recognize: Bullying.As we’ve discussed before, the body sends out non-verbal signals that words don’t express. And body language experts often point out that our words may or may not  be honest, but the body never lies.I want you to learn and practice the bully’s stance to get a sense of who they are and how they feel. I’d also like you to be able to use the bully stance in times when you need to communicate clearly with a bully.Bully stance: Shoulders back. Chest out. Leaning in or moving slightly forward. Head straight (no tilting) with chin and jaw jutting out a bit. Nodding with wide open eyes looking straight at them.Bullies are open and moving in, coming straight for you. Their voice volume is louder, and they end their statements with a drop tone.They do this because they are looking for victims. Anyone who backs off, leans back, looks away, tries to be nice, fails their test, and the bully will see them as a target. Any tendency to protect yourself will smell like bully food to them.The victim stance is a natural reaction, unless you’ve practiced the bully stance ahead of time.When the bully charges forward toward you, it’s a test. The way to pass is to lean into it.Body language is emotional. It comes from our emotions, and it generates emotions too. When you’re happy you smile, but when you smile you start to feel happier.The reason I remind you of this is to make sure you practice the bully stance in a place you feel safe at first.Posturing like a bully might feel very strange to you especially if your default is to go into a self-protective position around the bully. It’s okay if it feels weird or even upsetting to stand like a bully at first. That’s just the nerves of doing something new.Remember self-protective gestures may feel natural, but the bully is less likely to make you a target, if they recognize you as more like them.Also, the majority of bullies are not a physical danger to you, however, if you have assessed they could be a real safety threat in that way, that they could go past bullying into violent assault, then you must factor that into what you feel comfortable doing in response to them.Returning the bully stance back to the bully is a warning that you speak their language, it’s NOT an act of bullying. It’s a response to the situation they’ve initiated.This is exactly why you should never initiate a bully stance yourself, or you will be perceived as the bully.Just by practicing the bully’s stance, you will take on some of that body language as natural and automatic. This means you’ll express it at the right time without you having to think of it, and it will feel normal to you. Imagine doing it in response to the bully doing it first to you.

Have you ever heard the advice to just drop it or let it go?I’ve talked about Dr Claire Weekes before. She was an important pioneering doctor in the field of anxiety recovery.She said anyone could recover from disordered anxiety, excessive nervousness or panic attacks with four simple (but not always easy steps): Face, accept, float and let time pass.It’s clear to me that these are the for anti-stress responses to flight fight freeze and fawn.She described it in many ways such as mastering inactivity (doing nothing about the anxiety): not analyzing, not trying to avoid or remove it, but instead going with it by floating along above it.Others define the concept of floating as letting go, surrendering, tolerance, melting.What I want you to understand is not only what floating is, but also why it helps, what happens when you get it right and how holding on is working against you.To start out I’m going to give you an analogy: Imagine a person is hanging from a cliff. They are grasping tightly for dear life. Their arms are shaking, their hands are going numb. The only thing they can think of is bracing or falling.Now imagine the cliff this person is hanging onto is in their imagination only, or they’ve misperceived a phony threat for a real one. The cliff isn’t real. It feels real though.It seems like they need to grasp tightly or they’ll fall to their doom, but when the cliff isn’t real, only in their imagination, they don’t need to continue holding on for dear life. IN fact bracing in frozen fear is what’s keeping their fear alive and keeping them stuck in it.What happens if they let go of the imagined cliff? We know they won’t fall because there is nowhere to fall. So what happens if they release their grip, surrender, let go?They FLOAT!Think about it! With all that pressure released and all that bracing relaxed, they feel lighter than air.All they have to do is let go symbolically or metaphorically, and they will see there was nowhere to fall and it was their own fears pulling down on them the entire time.The more you want a thing, a certain outcome, a certain friendship, a certain person to stop bullying you, the more importance you’ll put on it. You’ll build up that thing to the point that it’s way up high on the edge of a cliff, and getting it requires you to dangle from that imagined cliff that.You’ll be frozen, bracing, holding on for dear life, living by conditions you cannot control and by other people’s standards.And here’s what’s worse: All the built up stress will cause you to fumble or even fail.As soon as you let go of the importance you built up, as soon as you stop caring what the bully does, says, thinks, or feels, you’ll float above the stress and rise above the problem. You’ll be able to see the solution, and you’ll care more about yourself and your standards than a particular outcome. That’s when others will start to invest in you.They way you’ll know they are investing in you is, ding ding ding! You guessed it: They will live up to YOU and YOUR expectations. They will follow your rules.You will have influence to not only stop the bully food that you dish out, but the bully food others supply will dry up too.Say to yourself, “My standards are more important than any outcome. My reality, my rules.” Then allow yourself to say something you truly think that’s different from others’ opinions, and watch how many of them insist they actually agree with you, changing their minds right there on the spot.Remember Kelly telling you, “Let go of the importance, and the threat will be revealed as phony.” You’ll feel free to act like the bully doesn’t matter, and then you’ll see them fumble and fail.I hope you have a wonderful week!

Not always meeting others’ standards doesn’t mean having low standards or no standards at all. No! What you must do is create and live by your own standards.We’ll look at what stops people from setting high standards, why standards raise your status and how to set them.People value what they invest in, and to value yourself you must invest in high standards you set.Setting high personal standards can be a challenge because it implies: personal commitment, belief, action, and facing the risk of failure.Satisfaction in the present moment is important because you’ll always be in some new present moment. It will always be now, now in the future will be the present moment then.Of course you have preferences and aspirations for better things—those things will stem from what works well right now.What accepting satisfaction in the present does is close the gap between your current status and your goals. This automatically raises your status.To do this ask yourself, what about this moment right now satisfies me? What would satisfy me right now that I could do differently? What else could I be doing right now that would be more satisfying.Finding the smallest satisfaction, or ways your dreams are already in motion, connects you to your preferred path.Give yourself permission to imagine and feel what it would be like to fully experience your preferred goals. What it would be like to meet your own standards.Often people struggle with this even more than focusing on what satisfies them now. The initial step to know what you prefer is easier for many people than allowing themselves to feel what it would be like to succeed.Why is this? Where’s the breakdown between knowing what we want and allowing ourselves to imagine having it?It’s this: We know what we want, but we don’t know exactly how we’re going to get it, so it seems impossible. We don’t want to get attached to something we have no idea how to get.Enjoy yourself and feel satisfied now, and you will bypass the thought you will only be happy when the bully buzzes off, or if your social life improves. You will collapse the difference between the perfect future and the imperfect now moment. It may feel silly like it’s just pretending, but the fact in the future moment you fantasize about is going to happen in that now moment, so you need to see it as possible now (NOT LATER).Personal standards are about wanting the best for yourself and from yourself.List what your standards are and begin achieving them NOW by stating them as a present attitude or behavior: Whatever is important to you, whatever you value, what you want to have, where you want to go, how you want to behave and be treated by others are key areas to focus on.Accountability partners: Tell your adults what your standards are so they can remind you and check in with your progress.Invest in yourself by keeping track of every satisfying WIN in your journal. A win can be a success or something you’ve learned from a failure.Remember, people resist setting high standards because they believe success lies in some imagined future, they struggle to be satisfied right now, and they don’t know how to get where they want to go. This is backward thinking. Your goals, dreams, wishes, successes start right this minute with high standards. Every moment of your life will occur in the present moment, and you will always have part of your story realized and part to be determined, but you can find satisfaction at every stage and go from there.Set one new standard today. Write it as an attitude or behavior happening in the present moment. Be satisfied by working toward the standard regardless of whether you meet it or not. Share with a trusted adult your plans and progress. Track your wins in your journal.It works! Start now.

Bully food behaviors don’t always lead to bullying, but they always limit friendship. Bully food is any behavior, thought, feeling, or belief that feeds into the cycle of bullying on your end.The list is long, and it includes: worrying, fearing, trying to impress or please, be perfect, obey the bully, avoid them, it’s thinking things like I’m not good enough or I’m so pathetic I deserve this, and feeling anxiety, sadness, bewilderment, hopelessness, self-consciousness, or anger all because of the belief that somehow it’s you who must live up to others’ standards never the other way around.Bullies sense this belief because it’s what generates all the bully food behaviors.How do you turn it around? Simple, you break the habit of self-qualifying.Self-qualifying is trying too hard to feel good enough. We don’t think we’ll measure up, so we over compensate. We over do it to make others think we’re good enough when we ourselves don’t.It’s common to worry about living up to others’ standards when it seems crucially important to do so.This is what makes people start self-qualifying. They believe they must win someone over by proving themselves, and whether it’s a potential friend or an intimidating bully, it’s easy to place excessive importance on pleasing them.The irony is what pleases others the most is our commitment to our own standards, not theirs! Sure, people want us to go along with them, but that’s not what impresses them. And people want to be impressed.Trying too hard to meet everyone else’s expectations, hoping you’ll measure up, is bully food.The belief you need to self-qualify produces every kind of bully food.The importance you place on getting a friendship going, or getting a bully to leave you alone has got to be less than the importance of living by your own standards.When you live by your standards, you don’t qualify to others, and you make them qualify to you.Think to yourself I’m good enough as long as I meet my own standards. Look for the ways you may be trying too hard to meet others’ standards, and root them out. Your attempts to make them see you differently are manipulative. You might not be correctly guessing what they really want from you. Even if you are, it’s a losing game. You’ll never root out everything they could potentially criticize, but you can root out your need to measure up to their idea of perfect.You can only live up to what the world wants if you include yourself, because the world includes you. It’s impossible to please everyone every time, but you can always satisfy yourself, which will please the ones who are important and disappoint the ones who aren’t.Disappointing the bully is what will send them packing.Stop qualifying to them and start validating yourself. This will fill you with confidence, and it will turn the tables on your dynamic with others. Instead of them screening you for how well you measure up, they’ll adjust to live up to what you expect.Not only must you stop qualifying and compensating, but you must also start screening them. Watch them. Decide if they meet your standards, and let them know when they fall short. This is listening, noticing and sharing with friends. It’s observing, assessing and judging a bully. It’s saying, “I see you, and this is how I’m going to handle you.”

The voice is the running inner monologue  and/or stream of images you hear and see inside your mind. You might believe that voice is you, many people do. It’s actually just part of your mental processing. Your brain thinks to make sense of things, figure them out and solve problems. When thoughts become so automatic they appear to run beyond your conscious control, they turn into a thought stream that can seem alive.What makes if clear that the voice is not you, and that’s it’s not alive, is that it’s not constant. In other words, your thoughts can stop and the voice can go silent, and what’s left? The listener! You! You’re still alive regardless of whether there’s a thought or not.The key is to create enough distance between yourself the listener and the thoughts.The more you identify with and as the voice, the more you see life as full of problems.That’s right! You got it! The voice inside your head, as much as it interferes to solve problems, often uses fear to hold your attention just like the bully does.Aha! Which means you must recognize when you’re feeding the bully pattern in your head and cut the bully food there too.Which brings us to WHY to slow down or stop the voice each day and whenever you notice it getting louder, meaner, more aggressive.What goes on inside you is reflected in your reality.Change what’s going on inside and outside by spending more time, more focus without judgment.Watch your awareness grow stronger, your senses sharper as your whole body starts to align with the consciousness that used to be hijacked by all those spinning thoughts.Do this daily to make it your new automatic setting. Imagine how unstoppable you’ll be after you’ve kicked the habit of listening to the voice in your head and whenever it starts to be a bully. Get rid of that primary bully and every other will be easier afterward.Have a wonderful week!

My favorite question to ask myself before I face something stressful is What would this be like if it was easy?Questions like the one above are designed to make you stop listening to the voice in your head, and focus on your inner knowing or gut feeling instead?Many experts in the world of helping others or self-help, encourage people to ask themselves questions that move focus away from the voice and into their inner  knowing.The idea is to get to the bare minimum that needs to be done in order to move on, which is in keeping with bully food principles: Keep it simple, low effort, boring, and direct (or kind).The best way to start practicing is to pick stressful overwhelming situations that aren’t to do with your bully at first. Find the easiest way to do your chores, the fastest way to do a boring HW assignment, the easy way to get to sleep quickly or ready in the morning. Whenever you face a new problem, apply the questions. You’ll get into the habit of thinking in terms of ease and rely on your inner knowing vs your mental chatter. Next time we’ll break down the voice inside your head in more detail.

Zoom in on one behavior to reverse in the name of relaxing your stress responseThe key here is to take it easier than you have been.Often times when we feel anxious or overwhelmed, we start to rush.We rush as we walk from place to place, we race through assignments and tasks, we get impatient in conversations with others, rapidly tapping our toesThis is part of the threat response of flight: we race to get away from danger back to our safe comfort zone.In the wild, this is back to our herd or cave. In our modern world it’s getting back to what’s easy and familiar or known.A way to unwind this frantic feeling and behavior is to do the opposite, just as we have talked about before.Beliefs lead to feelings, and feelings lead to behaviors, and behaviors lead to outcomes that reinforce beliefsIf you change any of them: your behavior and feelings will be different, and eventually beliefs will change too if you repeat the process often enough.We’ve also discussed how making changes causes anxiety/excitement at first because it’s new, not known and therefore potentially a threat.However, knowing the first few times will feel weird, we can make huge shifts with repeated small changes.So, I recommend you start with your actual speed.Slow down! Pump your brakes! Easy does it!It works the same with any behavior, so if you don’t notice yourself racing through things when you’re stressed, then you can oppositize any other behavior: the way you talk, volume or tone, the place you sit front of class or the back, dominant hand to less dominant hand,Any opposite behavior will give your mind something other than its worries to focus on, and by being different, you’ll start to feel different. Your experiences and expectations will begin to change. Over time your beliefs will too.Slowing down is a great place to start because slowness is calming and therefore you’ll be more calm.What do bullies hate more than anything? Calmness. Slowness brings calmness.Slowing down has two main functions: it calms you down, and it makes you appear and feel more confident.Most people are zooming around, rushing from place to place. When you set yourself apart from others by behaving differently than most of them, you raise your confidence status.Slowly walking into a busy place stands out. You are confident enough to be a little different, and you are calm enough to take it easy. SLOWOnly a person who feels at ease with themself and others would ever think to behave independently much less take the perceived risk.But taking things more slowly is a huge advantage. It may appear bold, but it’s actually a simple way to sooth and reverse anxiousness.Be willing to take up some space and time for yourself by slowing yourself down a little. Paying attention to small automatic behaviors will get you into the habit of noticing other important details of how you and others behave.Consider these areas to slow down: How fast you talk, how fast you walk, how fast you eat, how fast you reply, how fast you get ready in the morning (this might require you to wake up a little earlier), how fast you work on class or homework, how fast you consume media or use your devices or electronics.By slowing down, you’re probably going to get to the moderate speed most others are already using, so don’t worry about being weirdly slow or anything, even though it might feel weird to change you behaviors as I mentioned earlier.The most relaxed person is the most powerful person.

This episode is about two paths: yours and theirs. When you react, you’re going down their path. When you respond, you are walking them down yours.Stop reacting to them! It’s obvious you don’t want to go down their path anymore, but you do it out of the habit of reacting to them, and that’s only one of many problems your reactions cause:WeakLow valueBully foodYour reality isn’t clearYou have no standardsYou will betray yourselfThe best strategy to stop your reactions is to default to blank face/say nothing. If you can interrupt your own emotional eruptions with blankness and silence, then you can begin to turn them around so you can consciously choose.Then next step is to respond.How to respond instead? First what does it mean to respond exactly?It’s when you take information from the moment and use it to further your purpose.To do this you have to be present to the moment and crystal clear on your purpose.You also have to be hungry and brave enough to follow through.That’s it.Now let’s make a plan:1-Blank face + say nothing. Practice this in response to everything. Good things AND bad things. You want blankness and silence to be your default with the bully. Don’t worry, you’ll always be able to add onto them. 2-Get clear on your standards and purpose. Make a list of your personal standards for how others will/will not treat you. Create a purpose regarding the bully.3-Practice presence. Meditations, flow activities, listening.4-Connect what happens around you to your purpose: Once you know what your purpose is, you can connect it to the bully’s behaviors. 5-Get over yourself so you don’t half-ass it:When the bully reacts to you, as they most certainly will, you’ll know you’re leading them. Your purpose is now the plan for you both because you responded and showed them your reality is strongest. This is why you need to do some reflection exercises ahead of time, because it’s going to feel weird at first to be stronger than them, to get your way instead or them getting theirs and to fully commit to yourself.Respond to the following sentence starters (as many times as you like) in your journalLeading the bully down my path makes me feel ____________ because…I see it as possible to lead the bully my way because…I see it as impossible to lead the bully my way because…Leading the bully is easy because…Leading the bully is difficult because…You see, leading the bully on your path and purpose is up to you. Remember you have a stronger reality to theirs in some way or they wouldn’t have ever bothered with you. They tested you to see what you’re made of and you reacted to them, which meant you went down their path for a while. That’s fine. You can always change directions and get back on track toward your purpose.6-Act! Keep the momentum up and make THEM react. 7-AIM TO NOT REACT AGAIN or go down the bully’s path again! They’ll test you. They’ll try to hit the ball back at you. Be ready for their moves.

Overcompensation: Anyone’s impulse to a large painful problem is to solve it as quickly as possible. When we are convinced by our stress and anxiety we solve problems through our fear response. It makes sense we want to go to extremes and even overcompensate to resolve our problems, but it’s a mistake to do so using the threat response if the problem isn’t an actual grizzly bear.I’m not ask for you to stop trying to beat your bully. NO NEVER! The whole podcast is about beating your bully. I’m asking you to start using the opposite of FFFF to get results.The reversal of fight is accept and respond:Just by listening to this podcast, you show willingness to accept and respond vs deny and pass the buck. Accept whatever comes up as information you can work with. If you bury your head in the sand, you deprive yourself of info and options. The reversal of flight is show up and face it:Facing is walking toward them (instead of being chased). It’s moving slowly and or in your own way rather thanThe reversal of freeze is let go:Melt, go with the flow, let go to float (not fall) is how to reverse the freeze response. Being bullied hurts, so it makes sense we would freeze up to brace against more pain. Stop caring.The reversal of fawn is be yourself at all costs:Stand up for you first! Be willing to be a foe. Give people a challenge. Make them invest in you too. Separate fantasy from reality. If they are on a pedestal in your mind, take them down. Be a friend/equal not their biggest fan or victim.Work these anti-stress responses into your NEW personality. Here are the steps for that:1- Accept your personality is not fixed, it can and should change to fit your goals, needs, hopes and dreams. 2- Recognize the FFFF responses you typically go into, and concentrate on adding the opposite anti-stress responses you’ll need to reverse them one-by-one.3- Start with visualization: Visualization is like a sneak preview of coming attractions for the conscious part of your mind. But did you know your subconscious mind and body believe your imagination is as real as reality. Therefore visualizing is the way to begin believing the new you into being. You have to believe it to see it, not the other way around.The key to this is to imagine what you wish you could do, or what you wish you would have done. What you’re too afraid to do. What you wouldn’t dare. What the fearless you would do. Who you’d be if there were no consequences. Even if you never go to the lengths you go to in these imaginary scenarios, your subconscious mind will believe you have gone to those lengths, and you will start to see yourself differently from the inside out.It could be tricky for these images to hold your attention first because they will challenge your current sense of self. Expect to feel unpleasant emotions about seeing yourself differently, more positively. When the emotions come up, write them down like this: A feeling or fear came up when I imagined walking up to the bully instead of I was scared when I imagined walking up to the bully. It’s much easier and natural to let go of a passing feeling. It’s much harder to let go of that same feeling if you see it as a part of who you are.Free your mind up by teaching it to believe you can be the version of yourself you want to be. I know from personal experience I only became cool and unbullied when I imagined being carefree. I got so hooked on the idea of not caring and the feeling of freedom, that I carried it out in real life. That’s when the jerks moved on and good friends emerged.Visualize everyday. Give yourself permission to be inspired by what you’ve imagined. If you’re excited, you’ll be much more motivated to make it happen.

Bullies are masters of activating stress and anxiety in their victims. They do this by getting you to engage your own stress and fear responses FFFF.Today we’ll dig deep into that…how they get you to work yourself into a frenzy of stress and fear.FIGHT:Most people think of the fight fear response as actual physical fighting, but the vast majority of the time fighting comes out as resistance, refusal, or arguing. Of course it can also be straight up physical outbursts and fights.Reaction is a form of fight too. In this case you resist the source of the problem, the bully, instead of resisting the idea of the problem through denial.They bully wants you at zero or 180. Whether you reject your part all together, which means you feel powerless against them, and they can walk all over you, or you go out of control into a tailspin of emotional reaction that is immensely entertaining and validating to them.FLIGHT:Any form of running away is flight. This doesn’t have to mean you running down the hallway at top speed away from the bully. It could, but more often it’s you avoiding the bully or the feelings they bring up in you. And that feeling is called TENSION.Racing through things (to get back to safety) is another form of flight.Bullies pick up on our anxious need for speedy relief and safety. They love to keep their victims on the run instead.FREEZE:When you care too much, you freeze up. Worry will make you freeze your brilliant natural responses and freeze time, meaning the pattern continues on and on.The freeze response can take the form of bracing, or white knuckling your way through every situation to keep yourself, your surroundings or the situation together.The freeze response can also look like you icing everyone out, and disengaging with those who try to connect.The bully wants you terrified of misstepping. They want you locked in a vice grip on the side of their mountain of fear and threats.FAWN:Have you ever been nice to someone to keep them from getting mad? Have you ever gone along with others so they’ll stick around? That’s fawning. You set yourself aside to keep others by your side.Fawning is a betrayal of the self, however, it’s easy to see why so many people do it. Letting others have their way can be good, and many find it safer to play nice than risk disagreement.Bullies want you to put them on a pedestal. You can never quite reach them because of their elevated status, but you need them and their approval to fit in again, feel safe again and get back to yourself.Bullies will say mean things, repeatedly pester or bother you, lie to you, tell your secrets to humiliate you, shoulder you out, get others against you, spread rumors, physically intimidate you or even act out. They judge, sneer, taunt, fake you out, make fun, and whatever else they can think of to keep you beside yourself.NEXT WEEK we will figure out how to flip each stress response on its head, and turn all the bully’s tactics into pathetic attempts.This week, watch your bully’s moves. Are they trying to provoke a fight or a forfeit on your side? Do they always keep you on the run, chasing you down, ready to pounce at your every move? Do you feel frozen in time, like you can say or do a thing, or like you can’t even warm up around the good people in your life? Are you beside yourself from trying to please or appease them?

First let’s look at typical advice people give about dealing with bullies.It’s great to know how to reframe advice to make it work for you.Here’s how you’ll be advised to do by a simple internet search:Tell a trusted adult. ...Ignore the bully and walk away. ...Walk tall and hold your head high. ...Don't get physical. ...Try to talk to the bully. ...Practice confidence. ...Talk about it. ...Find your (true) friends.All good advice, but only if you reframe it to your best advantage. Here’s how:Tell a trusted adult—telling a trusted adult is great for support and ideas, but they cannot face the bully for you.Ignore the bully and walk away—this means ignore what the bully wants you to do, what they shame or scare you into, and do some small thing that shows you don’t give a rip, then walk off in a mic drop fashionWalk tall and hold your head high—this means be your true self without hesitation or apology when they question you, which always happens, so you have to be ready.Don’t get physical—recognize a turn to physical violence as a move toward criminal behavior vs just a power hungry bullying. Never engage in physical defense unless you have no other choice to protect yourself. If someone strikes you, engage as little as possible to get away from them. Do not initiate physical violence.Try to talk to the bully—Yeah, fine as long as you speak the bully’s language.Practice confidence—confidence is keeping your expression aligned to your emotions. If you act like you’re fine, but you feel sad, disappointed, frustrated or angry, people sense the mismatch.Talk about it—Sure talk/listen about the topic of bullying personally and generally, but watch what you say to yourself in your head. Watch that you don’t give the bully added power in your own mind by describing them as more scary or terrible than they actually are.Find your true friends—yes, but remember to also let your true friends find you by openly sharing who you really are. Look around at others to find what you truly like about them. Remember people like being liked. Those who like the most people are popular by default.The name of the episode is what to do and what not to do. What you don’t do matters most.You must stop these three things today:Being interesting to the bully. Fighting and reacting is the stress. Instead do a blank face. Nothing. Accept that they are a jerk, who deserves nothing for it. Give them nothing.Changing for the bully. Avoiding the bully in any way comes out of stress and reinforces your anxiety. Instead face them with the courage to stick to your own plans whether it’s the way you walk to class, the styles you wear, the friends you choose.Caring about what happens. When you care, you freeze. You have to decide to stop caring.It really is simple to stop caring, but that doesn’t make it easy. You will only feel the ease once you fully commit.People are afraid to unfreeze, to stop bracing, because they think holding on is what’s holding them together or keeping them from falling. A tight grip only keeps the tension alive. Let go and you’ll float not fall. Release the tension, pressure, and rise up.It’s going to be scary at first because you aren’t used to it, but the worst you’ve imagined is not real. The only way to find this out for yourself is to stop caring and see what happens.

Body Scan Meditation: Many of us are on vacation and celebrating holidays, so this is a perfect time for rest and relaxation.We’re doing this meditation today, so you can learn to relax into a stronger connection with yourself.Over the past few episodes I’ve stressed the importance of self-acceptance to to point of letting go of what others say and do, and being able to laugh them off by laughing at yourself because you know deep down you’re cool with who you areThis is a main goal of the bully food challenge.Just by tuning into this podcast and other learning materials like it, you show you’re headed in the direction of self-acceptance.Self-acceptance leads to acceptance from others.Why? Because the more you connect with yourself and accept yourself, the less you depend on others for approval, validation and connection.The more you can manage your emotions, the more you share openly with others without needing them to respond in a certain way, the less their actions and words will affect you.By connecting with yourself, you remove tension and trauma stored in your body and mind.AND then you stop needing things to go your way because you can take care of yourself no matter what happens.The more you reduce your attachment to others' behavior by connecting to yourself, the more people will want to connect with you.One great way to do this is through body scan meditation. I’m going to guide you through one today that you’ll be able to continue practicing on your own daily or many times per week.Body scanning allows you to notice how well connected or disconnected your mind and body are.You’ll notice some areas of sensation and comfort and others of numbness and discomfort or pain.Bringing your awareness to your body will help you shine light on the parts that need to be rejuvenated or refreshed.Regular practice will help you pull your energy and awareness back to yourself, which will make you more aware, open and joyful. This will reduce your defensiveness, and make your more and more likable to all.Let’s begin the meditation.

Popularity is how well you relate to others. Coolness is how well you relate to yourself.You can be one or the other, you can be both, or you can be neither.Coolness and popularity are not guarantees against bullying, but they add layers of protection that drive bullies away, which are available to you. Namely positive self image and an open attitude toward others.Additionally popularity and coolness can be so elusive we put them on a pedestal—to the point that they seem out of reach, impossible to achieve. We only desperately want what we think we can’t have.Desperately wanting either coolness or popularity is bully food bullies will sniff miles away.Now I’m not saying every one of you is going to become the coolest most popular kid your school’s ever seen by next week. Or even that you need to be. In fact, you might hate it. Being part of the social elite is demanding, and those kids are weirdly advanced to be in that position. It’s kind of like being in advanced math…only fun if you’re prepared and still very challenging.We’re talking about coolness and popularity for two reasons: One so you don’t get caught in the bully food trap of wanting to be popular/cool, and two so you can reap the benefits of being your own version of either or both.Why? Because desperately wanting anything makes you try too hard and knocks you off your center of balance. It’s a weak position that bullies can exploit. Instead, I want you to know what popular and cool really are, so you can make them work to your advantage.First of all, trying to be cool means you aren’t cool yet. What being cool really is is not caring anymore about being cool. Not caring allows you to let go of what you think you have to do, so you can be carefree instead. Everyone wishes they could be free to be themselves, so they admire anyone who can be carefree.The key to being carefree is maintaining it. One slip into self-conscious hesitation will give you away. Doing what others expect or prefer is good, but it’s never cool to do it to make them like you. Care about what others think to be socially aware, but don’t attach your happiness or self-expression to their approval.You already have everything inside you others will love, and it’s all about letting it shine through. You don’t need to add something to rise up. You need to release whatever is holding you down, so you can’t lift up.Being popular, on the other hand, is how much people like you. But the secret to this is actually how much you like them! That’s the part most people miss. They think you have to make people like you to be popular, but that’s acting against others trying to manipulate them. Popular people actually are the ones who like the most people, genuinely. How do people end up liking you? They sense that you like them. That you position yourself as on their side. Not by copying them or doing what they expect, but by finding what you appreciate in them and showing it.Here’s my advice for building your popularity starting today: Find the kids you like, and also find what you like about every kid. If you can find something to appreciate about each person, you will be looking at them differently—in a more friendly accepting way. Combine this with being cool: Carefree about their response to you no matter what they say or do.Remember, every kid at school is equally worthy of belonging and having friends. The kids you like most are worthy of knowing it. If they like you back, they are worthy of being your friends.The more people you like, the more people will like you back. That’s what being popular is.

Never Nice, Always Kind is a bully food principle. If you’re a people pleaser, or you’re a little too nice, listen up!Kindness and niceness can both be friendly, but they differ in depth. Kindness is friendly consideration, niceness is friendly pleasantness. Niceness can keep someone stuck in an illusion, and kindness sets them free. The other signal niceness sends is you think others can’t make up their own mind. That your way is the only option they have. People sense this and are repelled. They might even want to do just what you’d want least just to spite you. So what does this have to do with kindness vs niceness? Niceness is done for approval, so that you like me or at least leave me alone. Kindness is what I do because it’s right for me. It’s who I am. It’s the real me connecting with the real you. It’s no strings attached, but well intended. You give out what you truly want to share whether it’s a compliment for a friend or a criticism for a bully. The point is you’re not doing it to get something in return.

Mocking is the best alternative to assuming they’re kidding because it’s a playful way of being judgmental and showing disapproval.If you can’t assume they’re kidding because they aren’t being funny at all, you have to use judgement instead. I told you that in the last episode.When you can’t laugh, you have to judge, and the form of judgement that requires the least amount of effort is mocking.Judgement is a powerful response to negative behaviors.What do you learn in school about judging someone else harshly?? Don’t be that way! Be nice to everybody.And the bully exploits this. They expect you to be nice to them no matter what because you always follow the rules.Seriously think about it, have you ever heard a teacher say, “Be harsh back to that bully. Judge them!”? NO! Teachers will almost always tell you to play nice.I find it’s more risky for kids to play nice with a bully, which is why I’m telling you to JUDGE that bully for their put downs.You stand to lose much more by being MR NICE GUY than using appropriate judgement. You will be the bully’s doormat if you don’t.When I say “Judge them,” I mean use critical comments and facial expressions that show negative but powerful emotions and opinions: Annoyance and disgust all the way to disdain and contempt.If the bully never gets honest feedback when they treat others badly, they might never stop, which is bad for everyone, them most of all.You are most helpful and kind when you respond honestly to people. And unfortunately bullies need a harsh form of kindness to improve.This brings us to the best way to be judgmental of a bully, and that’s mocking.Three reasons: Mocking is low effort, light hearted but hard hitting, and funny. In other words, it’s carefree, passionate and fun. Three things everyone loves.Mocking meets the bully food principles in that it’s easy for you, giving little to no effort to the bully, and gets your point across in a way that others can relate to.Everyone loves to see a bully get mocked for being a jerk. Do not make fun of anything else about the bully, or you’ll lose the crowd and you’ll lose yourself as well.So what exactly is mocking or to make a mockery of someone else? It’s insulting or making light of someone. You can think of it as everything from ridicule, sneering, jeering, scoffing, misrepresenting or making someone a laughing stock or rudely imitating them. It’s shining a spotlight on someone’s shameful actions and unflattering characteristics.In this case the bully’s mistreatment of you and others. You don’t want to mock anything about the bully that’s not to do with their treatment of you.If you can’t laugh with them, laugh at them.It’s great to turn to humor in the face of nastiness, and it’s even better when you can poke fun and laugh at yourself, but sometimes you can’t. That’s when you have to laugh AT the one who’s being nasty.Mocking is a better choice than more serious judgmental confrontation because it allows you to retain the fun, carefree aspect while still standing your ground.The bully will feel the sting and get your message, especially with others’ laughter to reinforce it.Sometimes you have to step outside of your comfort zone to deal with people. This doesn’t mean you have to betray your true nature or go to extremes.With mocking less is more. Even a little chuckle is enough to show your disapproval.It will be easier if you remember mocking their bully moves is kind. It’s the kind feedback that will hopefully help them turn things around. Hopefully they do.Most importantly, you will have responded in a way that serves you. Mocking is honest. It’s easy-going enough to be fairly low risk. And it’s playful for everyone but the bully.

People don't realize how much their comments affect you because they really aren’t too concerned over you. They are far too busy thinking about themselves. People are worried about what others think of them. They have no clear idea about how you feel because they aren’t you. So when they say or do something that stings, they have little to no idea how much it actually gets to you…unless you show them with words or actions.Even more importantly people use teases and taunts to get a laugh. They think what they say is funny on some level, which means you can join in on the joke if you know how.You can’t fake finding them funny. You have to get to an inner place of being able to laugh at yourself authentically.Before I explain how to work this out inside yourself, I must say turning teasing and taunting into a joke is natural because they are both meant to be funny. Put downs that fall outside the realm of humor, shouldn’t be handled as jokes.Making this work can be broken into two aspects: The first is how you actually feel about each of your own imperfections (acceptable or unacceptable). The other is how you feel about the person doing the teasing or taunting (trusted, unknown, untrustworthy).The more you own your insecurities, flaws, imperfections, vulnerabilities, difficulties and differences, the more others will accept you for who you truly are.Anything you believe is wrong or shameful about yourself, others will pick up off you, your actions and words. Once you change the story within, they will follow your lead.Make a list of what others might make fun of about you. What they might have already made fun of. Give yourself permission to accept those parts of yourself by letting go of the unnecessary shame you attached to it.You “go first”. You drop the rope on your end from the inside, by letting go, and the resistance or tension caused by teases and taunts will become comical naturally. Let the dropped tension hang in the air long enough for others to have to figure out what to do with it. They will always turn it into humor if indeed it’s funny.You’re about to see this happen in your own life. When you finally drop inner resistance to your own imperfections and let that tension hang in the air, people will have to convert the energy into something else, and they almost always go with humor.Non resistance is the way to let the real you out. You can never be truly seen, known or connected if you’re resisting aspects of who you are. People don’t have to worry about offending you when you’re already cool with yourself. Others have insecurities too, and they can be free in front of you. Suddenly the person whose judgment you once feared is now feeling comfortable with you, and they want you to like them.The other aspect to shifting the direction of making fun and have it go in your favor is to change how you feel about the person doing the teasing or taunting...When you ask yourself if they are trusted, unknown, or untrustworthy, you put the power in their hands. Bully food. Oh I can take this person’s comment as a tease b/c they’re my friend. Oh, I have to assume this person is dissing me, b/c they’re a stranger. I have to feel bad about the bully’s taunts b/c they are untrustworthy and therefore mean me harm. This is telling your lizard brain you aren’t in charge of yourself.The only person you absolutely HAVE to trust is yourself. If you trust your own take on your personal qualities, you will be able to detach negative meanings, you will be able to find the humor, and you will be able to express yourself to anyone regardless of whether you trust them or even know them.Resist the urge to define taunts and teases in terms of who’s saying them, and instead trust yourself to define them with your own level of humor. Always use humor when others make fun as long as you can see the fun too.

Assume They’re Kidding: Teasing vs tauntingTeasing and taunting are two very different things, and in this episode I’ll teach you how to tell the difference between them and how to handle both…luckily for you it’s the same strategy.This is a multi layered lesson. To tell the difference between teasing and taunting and turn taunting around, first I’d like you to understand the importance of emotional self control.With what I’m about to tell you and some practice you will Get better and better at not reacting. Reacting is bully food. Any time you react, the bully has control over you, which is what they want.When you don’t react, you show you are above them. At a higher status. People can’t get to you easily. People can feel safe being honest and real with you because you can handle what they dish out good and bad.Once you are fairly good at not reacting, you will begin to notice an even more important shift in yourself. In non reaction, you’ll begin to perceive things differently. You’ll see the insecurity behind others’ judgements and start to see the humor in what they say because you won’t take it seriously. You won’t take yourself so seriously.The first step to practice being non-reactive is to do nothing when you feel triggered: upset, embarrassed, insulted. When you can reliably do nothing in these intances, you will find you don’t care about these mind games as much as you thought. The more insults you hear and don’t react to, the more your insecurities are brought to the surface and you do nothing, the more you can let them go.This brings us to the difference between teasing and taunting.Teasing is a playful game people who like each other play. They say and do things to gently poke at each other’s insecurities, flaws, unique qualities and even shortcomings. They do it to build each other’s resilience and open up as friends. This creates opportunities to say, I see the real you, and I accept you. It also says, I know you’re confident enough to take a joke.Teasing is a way to connect with others. You need to show them the best parts of you, and you must also show them the less amazing aspects of yourself. AND the teasing goes both ways. Back and forth you tease the same qualities out of your friends too and they open up and relax.Why? Because when we’re trying to hide something, we’re too guarded for the good side to fully shine though. The effort it takes to conceal ourselves is stifling and ultimately blocks people from seeing the best us.People want to see the good and the bad. If they could only see is the best parts of you, then they would feel put off (like there’s something not quite right about you—you’re too perfect), and they’d feel intimidated. But when they see your shortcomings (and that you’re okay with having shortcomings), they know you can be trusted.Some people these days are quite sensitive to the idea that teasing can be a good thing. They feel any negativity comments or actions should always be treated as taunting, which unlike teasing, is meant to be hurtful and cause harm. While it’s true some people cannot benefit much from teasing, because they don’t distinguish it from taunting very well, it is also true that the majority of people will open up through playful teasing if they are taught how:First, do nothing. Say nothing with a blank face. Practice having no reaction to teasing/taunting.Second, identify your most sensitive insecurities, shortcomings, flaws or unique qualities.Third, identify the same insecurities and flaws in others.Fourth, find the humor in the flaws (yours and others’).This is where the magic is: The key to this part of the lesson. You have to drop the seriousness and see the humor, so you can take any tease or taunt as a joke.Next week we’ll go over how to turn these feelings around on the inside too.

Two Kinds of Predictable: predictably weak or predictably strong. Either one will eventually send the bully packing, because bullies cannot stand being bored for long, but strength is by far the better path. It’s not only faster but you also get to keep your dignity.So, if your choice is between predictably strong or weak, the obvious choice is strong, right? Why do so many people choose weakness? Because showing strength has an initial catch.When you decide to take a stand, you have to fully commit. If you take a stand and then back down, that’s bully food. You’ll create a game of whack-a-mole the bully will find irresistible. This is a common mistake bullied people make when they are fed up and ready to say enough is enough. They stand up to the bully, the bully retaliates, which makes the bullied one back down.This is why so many people who get bullied choose to be predictably weak. They don’t want to fan the flames. They don’t want to risk sparking the bully or spurring them on. They are afraid to commit to strength, and see it through until it becomes predictable, boring and repellent to their bully.The reality is all bullying ends due to boredom. It’s up to you whether you’ll be boringly strong or boringly weak.I know I’ve cautioned you against predictability in the past. That’s because you will want to use the element of surprise to occasionally catch the bully off guard. But a constant stream of surprises is also unsustainable, and even the element of surprise is predictable when it’s constant.The element of surprise should always come in the form of you leveling up your own strength. Every time you level up and get even stronger, it will shock the bully and stimulate them at first, but ultimately intimidate their underlying weakness, laziness, fear, insecurity and lack of self-reliance.Your response is everything here. You must commit! Do not hesitate or hold back at all. If you choose to show what matters to you, but fail to hold your ground, they will take shots at you and win over and over again. The only way you’ll get them off your back will be to make it so easy for them, they’ll get bored and move on to a slightly greater challenge. No animal keeps going in for the kill once the prey is clearly dead. That’s why playing dead is a strategy and part of the threat response, freeze.We never want to default to our threat response when it comes to a bully, because bullies are NOT real threats. They are paper tigers.If your response is difficult for the bully to figure out, and it’s strong and mocking (we’ll do a whole episode about mocking later on), you might entertain them for a minute because you’ll catch their attention, but ultimately you’ll scare them off. You will intimidate them, you will confuse them, you will bore them.When the bully can count on your weakness, they exploit it until it becomes boring to them. Until they have squeezed all the power out of you.When they realize they can only count on your strength, that your strength is consistent, you will squeeze the power out of them, and they will move on to an easier victim. Remember they want to feel stronger than you, and if they don’t, they will become “bored” and choose someone else to bother.There’s another part of predictability we must think about now, and that is the bully’s: What can we count on from the bully? This is where it really gets fun!First of all, bullies are lazy and fearful by definition.Their laziness makes them choose easy victims.The bully’s fear also makes them choose weak victims.Cultivate self-reliance, flexibility and control over your own actions and emotions.

We’ve touched on the Fight Flight Freeze Fawn or Flock response before-Today we’re going to really dig in to understand it better.It’s the body’s response to a perceived threat. FFFF is our threat response.Both the sympathetic (or stress and the parasympathetic (or calm down) responses are involved.Sometimes your body and mind will go into high gear in the face of a threat. You’ll feel adrenaline, a hormone that prepares you to fight or flee (run away) with extra power and strength. Your heart will beat faster, your muscles will constrict, your mind will go blank because all that matters in the world at that moment is survival.Other times you’ll find your body intentionally calms down to survive. In the face of a threat, animals don’t always fight back or run away from predators. They can also play dead or stand still(freeze), or they can play nice or join the herd, which is (flock).The reason we’re getting into the details of fight, flight, freeze, etc. is that dealing with bullies drives people like us (people who get bullied) into extreme stress and anxiety.Dr Claire Weekes’ approach was to slowly undo the threat response. She’s famous for cracking the anxiety code. I’ve found bullying is one of the many ways anxiety/panic can manifest in life, so let’s look at Dr. Weekes’ brilliant strategy for moving past panic. I believe it will help a lot.Her six word solution is: Face, accept, float, let time pass.What I notice is Face is the opposite of Flight. Accept is the opposite of fight. Float is the opposite of freeze. And letting time pass is the opposite of feeling rushed as if the perceived threat was an emergency needing immediate attention and care.Here’s my take on her advice:Instead of fleeing, running and hiding, you must face your bully. Face up to them. This doesn’t mean provoke them, or start stuff with them. It means stay put, stand your ground, be part of the solution instead of completely relying on others to help you.Instead of fighting your bully or resisting the fact that you have a bully right now, accept it! Accept that the bully is a jerk. Accept that you have to take responsibility for the problems the cause even though it’s not your fault. Accept the bullying you face as an opportunity to become stronger and more confident. Accepting means allowing what is true to sink in, so that you can separate fact from fantasy and over-anticipation.Instead of freezing when the bully tries to push you around (emotionally, socially or physically), melt and float through the situation. Let go of trying to be perfect. Get loose and relaxed so they can’t use your rigidity to push you over with one finger. Be willing relax and take the bully and yourself less seriously. Floating means giving up the tight grip you of control you feel you need.Instead of fawning and flocking, trying too hard to please others or betraying yourself to fit in, be authentic! Show everybody more of the real you and make sure they know you’ve got your own back whether they like it or not.Let time pass instead of sending in your mental ambulances every time the bully takes a shot at you. Be patient for everyone, including yourself, to get used to the new more confident you. They’ll adjust and so will you.By enacting the non-threat response of formula Dr. Weekes so wisely identified, you will teach your deeper mind not to see the bully as a threat. This deeper part of your brain where the threat response comes from only understands your behavior. You can’t simply explain to it with words that the bully is just a mean kid, not a dangerous predator. They only way the fear center in you brain will see the bully as a non-threat is if you ACT/BEHAVE like the bully is NOT a threat.

Stop Trying So Hard, You’re already there. Trying to be something isn’t being it. This goes along with one of our principles, less is more, and takes it a step further into making a low effort.The more you value yourself, the less of an effort you’ll feel you have to make. The lower you value yourself the stronger an effort you’ll feel you must make in order to pass as worthy or enough for others.When you try too hard, you say: I think I’m unworthy and not enough, so I’ll only let you see my best guess at what I think you want. I’ll betray everything in myself that seems unacceptable to make you like me. I’m totally dependent on your opinion of me.Trying to make someone like you, is deeply manipulative and insecure. When you try to make someone like you, deep down you’re feeling you will only be ok with your desired outcome, and that you’re worried you won’t get it. People resent manipulative efforts and are repelled by them even if they don’t quite see what’s going on.Plus over efforting means people will like things about you, not you. Trying too hard is an aimless effort toward a goal you don’t believe you can accomplish. Bullies spot this easily, and they will exploit it.What to do instead? What should making an effort really look like?Pay close attention, and show you care. Ask plenty of questions and listen! Not for what you’ll say next or if you agree, but listen to understand them. Accept what they say. Share honestly about your feelings, opinions, intentions. Be patient, time and space will allow the connection to grow.Here’s how to make these moves easier:End the competition! This is another strategic opportunity to draw the “Tug-o-War” rope.It’s one thing to drop the rope with a bully on the other end and watch them fall on their butt. It’s absolutely next level to drop the competitive rope with those you like and love.But how do you drop the rope in the middle of a competition you desperately want to win? The competition for love, acceptance, connection?Believe you’ve already won. Let this land right now. If you’ve already won a thing, there’s no need to compete, or try for it.A believe is a thought or feeling you have over and over again. Every time you feel yourself begin to posture for others or filter what you have to say, stop and remember there’s no need to compete because you’ve already won. Just thinking about it in this way will allow your subconscious mind begin to see it, reframe and refresh.But don’t stop with thoughts! The true key to changing your mind is to FEEL IT. Imagine what it would feel like to already be friends with everyone you want to know. What would you feel if the friendship was already there? In other words, how would you act around these other kids if you knew they were you friends?As you see yourself belonging with others, you’ll put your entire focus doing all the kind loving things, and doing them will be easier because you won’t be doing them to get something. You’ll be paying attention and caring for the sake of the connection you already feel is real instead of trying to make it come about. The sense of belonging will help you listen to and accept others wholeheartedly even when you don’t understand or even agree. Others will open their hearts to you with every kindness you show them, and you will in turn feel free to share your true self with them.I’ll leave you with a simple question that’s one of my favorite things I ask myself when I get overwhelmed. If this was easy how would I do it differently?

Our third principle is to be undefensive. Stand your ground! This means staying true to yourself come what may, and only changing on your terms based on your experience and insight.But how do you remain undefensive when your brain is screaming at you to protect and defend yourself? Well, you have to teach your brain through experience that doing nothing is often the best self-defense.I used to volunteer in self-defense classes for women, and it was there I learned the physical equivalent of what I’m about to talk about in this episode.Two games illustrate it well:King of the Hill: Loose and limp. Be a noodle. Relaxed and ready to strike at any time, the bully will never be able to use your own rigidity to push you over.Tug-O-War: There are two ways to win. Pull harder, or drop the rope. Which one sounds more like bully food to you? That’s right, when you keep pulling, you keep the game going. It’s fine to play tug-o-war with friends, family, classmates, but never with a bully. With a bully you win by ending the game as quickly as possible. Drop the rope! You might even make them fall on their A$$.If someone tries to push you over physically, emotionally, mentally, socially, whatever, you make it much easier for them to do so if you’re rigid, stiff, inflexible, locked into your plan, stuck in your head. Get loose, be willing to absorb the bully’s shoves without letting them knock you to the ground. Mock them and laugh at them instead of crying with frustration and rage. Pay attention to them, so you can anticipate their next moves. Don’t take them too seriously. Don’t take yourself too seriously.Rather than get locked into a plan or an opinion, set your boundaries and stick to them. Say, “I want to help but not like this.” “I want to hear you out, but not if you’re going to call names.” “I want to leave you alone, but not if you keep bothering me.” “I want to help you with your work, but not if you’re going to cheat off me/be cruel to me outside of class.”Be as authentic as you possibly can. There’s nothing to defend if you’re being the real you, and you’re really okay with who you are. Authenticity is not only undefensive, it’s also disarming and highly attractive. People want to see if you can handle yourself and take care of yourself, and often they will test you before getting closer with you. They do this to make sure you’re not overly dependent. Learn to wait it out. Sometimes it takes a while to tell the difference between a person who is only testing you and one who is actually bullying you.Let them cook their own goose. They are stressed too. And they’ll be even more stressed when they see you’re not going to take the bait. The will scramble, fumble and crumble, and all you have to do is let it happen. Get good at saying as little as possible. The person who talks less holds all the power. The bully will talk and talk, and dig a deeper hole for themself in the process.I know it’s difficult to hold your tongue when you want to set the record straight or give up mid game when you want to prove yourself, but remember this: People only defend what they believe is vulnerable. Immediate defensiveness translates as weakness, as if you think you’re in jeopardy. Conversely, when you don’t bother to defend yourself, you appear cool, calm, collected and carefree.Be ready for some people to resent you for standing your ground. Never explain, complain or apologize about having your own back.It’s never too late to say enough is enough and go on the defensive, but as I said earlier, you might find it easier and more effective to stand your ground with a more relaxed stance.Have a good week!