LTN 46 - Pity Sex

Love Thy Neighbor — Episode Notes - LTN 46 - Pity Sex Hosts: Tom Vann, Dan Dennis, Colette Fehr | Guest: None Sponsors / Ad Reads No dedicated sponsor/ad-read segment in this transcript. A supplement brand targeting low testosterone/low libido is referenced in passing during the discussion (not a formal read). Segment Rundown Cold open: double hello — Tom opens with an intentional double "hello," and the hosts riff on bookending the greeting. Middle age banter — Colette and Dan joke about being in their 50s (Colette close to 53) while Tom is younger; references the "back nine" phrase from a Peloton instructor to describe midlife. Wives running hot — A bit built on the double meaning of women "being hot," landing on hormonal overheating/hot flashes rather than looking attractive. Setting up the libido topic — Dan raises that hormonal changes often come with lower libido, and partly blames husbands for not being compassionate enough to help the situation, while admitting he doesn't always act on it either. "Taking one for the team" — Discussion, sparked by an anonymous listener email, of women having sex out of obligation rather than desire, and whether that leaves either partner satisfied. Male vs. female arousal — Colette explains men are generally ready for sex on short notice while women typically need an emotional or physical "warm-up," compounded by hormones, exhaustion, and modern overload. The "poke/jab" bit — A running comedic riff on how men signal interest, including a story about hiding/sneaking around the bedroom to avoid rejection. Conversation as an aphrodisiac — Colette says being present and curious with a partner is a turn-on; the hosts joke about zoning out during a recent date-night conversation. Normalizing the "sex talk" — Colette explains that bringing up a stalled sex life is scarier in anticipation than reality, and encourages couples to name it directly. Evolutionary tangent — A riff on ancient humans, sex tied to survival and risk (including pregnancy danger), versus modern comfort and much longer relationship lifespans. Dan's own experience — Dan shares that he and Andrea have talked openly about libido, including her hormone replacement therapy, and how communication ("putting in a trouble ticket," as a running show joke) improved things. Sex as emotional connection for men — Colette notes men are often misunderstood as wanting sex "just physically," when it's frequently their main channel for emotional closeness. Testosterone/libido supplement bit — Tom jokes about a sponsor-style ad claiming a supplement would make his wife want him more, doubting that premise. "Libido" running joke — Tom describes long having thought "libido" was just another word for an erection, including a bit about (jokingly) explaining it that way to his young daughter. Interest fading both ways — The group notes wives can also feel their husbands lose interest as they age, tying it to testosterone decline and effort put into making a partner feel wanted. Twitch chat question — A viewer named Jen asks whether a lot of men dislike their partners; the hosts broaden it to say resentment runs both directions, and cite that a majority of divorces are initiated by women, framing many marriages as being "ridden out." Mall people-watching tangent — A comedic aside about judging couples' relationships by watching them at the mall, with an acknowledgment that it's not a fair sample. Practical advice segment — Colette stresses asking a partner directly what would help, rather than assuming their lack of interest is personal rejection. Money and sex as taboo topics — A chat comment (from Dan's wife) that money and sex are the two hardest subjects for couples to discuss; hosts agree and joke about preferring to talk about vacations instead. Relationship maintenance — Dan reflects on once believing love just "happens" without effort, likening relationship upkeep to car maintenance; Colette introduces Dr. John Gottman's "state of the union" weekly check-in concept. Vitality and libido — Colette explains that feeling generally alive and fulfilled (hobbies, friendships, purpose) fuels sexual desire even when hormones are working against it, and validates couples who mutually choose to step back from sex. Email: "Hard to Finish" — An anonymous listener on Zoloft describes delayed sexual response as a side effect and worries about his wife feeling inadequate; hosts advise direct communication. Dan discloses he's on Lexapro with a similar side effect and how being upfront with Andrea about it removed the guesswork for her. Vulnerability and masculinity — Discussion of men's fear that opening up will make them look weak, with Colette arguing the opposite is true — vulnerability builds closeness rather than undermining it. Email: partner "pushes buttons" — An anonymous listener describes his wife escalating arguments until he loses his temper, then being blamed for the reaction; Colette advises taking responsibility for one's own reactions, communicating a boundary in advance, and removing oneself from a conversation before it spirals rather than assigning blame. Live call: Concrete Mike — Recurring caller Concrete Mike asks for advice on his wife's low libido during menopause; after some ribbing, Colette gives serious guidance on leading with compassion, asking his wife what kind of closeness she's open to, and considering professional help if needed. Outro/plugs — Wrap-up encouraging listeners to email or call in, with the show's regular schedule and Colette's book/podcast mentioned again. Key Dates / Plugs Mentioned Ongoing: Email the show anonymously at [email protected]. Weekly: Show airs live Thursdays around 10am (schedule can vary). Ongoing: Colette's book, The Cost of Quiet, available wherever books are sold. Ongoing: Colette's other podcast, Insights from the Couch, available wherever podcasts are found. Ongoing: Listeners can also call in or leave a voicemail for the show. Notable Guests/Callers Colette Fehr — Co-host; licensed therapist perspective throughout the episode. Concrete Mike — Recurring phone-in caller; asked for advice about his wife's low libido during menopause. Jen — Twitch chat commenter whose question ("a lot of men don't like their partners") was read and discussed on air.