Marriage, Divorce, and Emotional Growth with Colette Fehr

In this episode of The Art of Imperfect Adulting, Amy Stone speaks with Colette Fehr about marriage, divorce, and the impact of family dynamics on adult relationships. Based in Orlando, Florida, Colette candidly shares her journey from growing up in a traditional, conflict-filled New York household to navigating her own early marriage, divorce, and eventual career as a couples therapist. Listeners will gain insights into how childhood experiences unconsciously shape relationship choices, why emotional disconnection—not conflict—is a leading destroyer of marriages, and how to have the difficult conversations that lead to lasting love.About Colette Fehr:Colette Jane Fehr is a licensed psychotherapist and nationally recognized relationship expert. She’s the author of The Cost of Quiet: How to Have the Hard Conversations That Create Secure, Lasting Love, coming out February 2026 from Putnam and Penguin Random House. Colette co-hosts the hit podcast Insights from the Couch: Real Talk for Women at Midlife and Love Thy Neighbor: The Relationship Show, and her TEDx talk Secrets of a Couples Therapist was selected as a TED Editors’ Pick.Main Topics Covered:How childhood family dynamics, including loud conflict and divorce, shape unconscious patterns in adult relationships and marriageThe myth that successful relationships are free of conflict, and why learning to handle conflict constructively is essentialColette’s experience of getting married young, going through divorce, and raising children—often counter to her peer group’s expectationsThe societal and generational stigmas around divorce, especially for women, and why leaving can be the healthiest choiceThe journey from “good girl” people-pleasing and self-abandonment to finding one’s voice and boundaries in relationshipsRecognizing fawning and people-pleasing as trauma responses—and the path to unlearning them for healthier loveThe importance of seeking skilled, specialized couples therapy (including discernment counseling) and not all therapists are equally equippedColette’s book "The Cost of Quiet: How to Have the Hard Conversations That Create Secure, Lasting Love," with practical tools for women to confidently express their needsQuote from the Episode: "The number one factor that destroys relationships is emotional disconnection. Not arguing, not having differences, not even infidelity. It’s disconnection." — Colette FehrTimestamps: [00:00:06] Introduction and guest welcome; Colette shares her New Yorker roots and years in Orlando, Florida[00:00:43] What Colette loves about Orlando: eternal sunshine and multiculturalism[00:01:02] Introducing today’s topic: marriage and divorce[00:01:21] Colette’s personal history: two marriages, one divorce[00:01:45] Early marriage story—married at 24, divorced at 31, balancing motherhood and changing social circles[00:04:13] How parents’ marriage and conflict modeled relationship dynamics for Colette[00:06:51] The myth of “no conflict” in healthy relationships and the real importance of constructive communication[00:08:37] How Colette’s childhood influenced her career choice as a therapist[00:10:55] The cultural stigma of divorce in Irish Catholic New York during the 1980s[00:13:01] Research on divorce: why co-parenting quality, not marital status, predicts child well-being[00:15:07] Divorce as a part of social change: women initiating divorce and the evolving expectations of marriage[00:16:55] How early family wounds and societal narratives unconsciously shaped Colette’s partner choice[00:18:32] Unpacking the unconscious versus lessons learned only through experience[00:21:01] The “representative” self in courtship versus the reality of living together[00:22:14] Colette’s road to becoming a couples therapist after a bad counseling experience[00:27:43] The pitfalls of seeking therapy only at the “brink of divorce” and losing one’s voice in marriage[00:28:44] People-pleasing, trauma, fawning, and self-abandonment explained[00:31:51] Strategies to shift from survival (fawning) to authentic communication[00:32:15] Who Colette told first about her decision to divorce, and the resulting social fallout[00:34:31] Colette’s professional platforms: her podcasts, radio presence, TEDx talk, and new bookColette’s TedX Talk can be found here:https://youtu.be/8tSUOB2yEd0?si=XdHPdEwuSJeyzkRvWebsite: https://www.insightsfromthecouch.org/Book: The Cost of Quiet https://bookshop.org/a/87491/9780593852743ABOUT THE SHOW: The Art of Imperfect Adulting elevates the voices of experience by sharing real stories from real people figuring out adult life. Every episode features honest conversations about life's choices, changes, and challenges—interviews with individuals (not celebrities) who share their personal experiences and insights. Through these authentic stories, listeners find validation, motivation, and inspiration for navigating their own path through modern life. Because there's a big difference between expert advice and shared experience, and hearing another person's lived experience helps us feel less alone in our own situations.Note from the show: Guest offers are almost always limited-time and limited quantity. If you have any trouble redeeming the offer please reach out directly to the guest for support.If you have a story to share and you'd like to be a guest on The Art of Imperfect Adulting, here are the steps for how you can make that happen. 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