Masturbation, Malarkey & Mary: The Dover Disaster Diaries!

Buckle up, babes, because this season finale is the most iconic, chaotic, and downright unhinged episode yet. Deyonce and Davina take you from the majestic White Cliffs of Dover (where one nearly left his mother for dead but found enlightenment and wine instead), to a Holiday Inn so wild it should’ve come with a trigger warning — featuring “Masturbating Matthew” and a fire alarm from hell.Between Prosecco-fuelled chaos, Dover Castle history lessons, cats that aren’t the right cats, DIY disasters, and Clare trying to saw a sofa in half, it’s pure Essex meets David Attenborough energy. Add in a healthy thirst for the Efron brothers, a bit of Naked Dating UK analysis (purely for research, obvs), and a heartfelt shoutout to Angelo — our marathon-running king — and you’ve got a finale that’s as emotional as it is outrageous.Expect spiritual revelations, hotel horrors, talk of furiously flapping willies, French peas, crochet threats, and Kris Jenner’s facelift appreciation hour. It’s high camp meets heartfelt chaos — part travelogue, part therapy session, part fever dream.So pour a glass, light a candle, and prepare to laugh, cry, and scream “I’m claustrophobic, Darren!” at least once. The GC herself would live for this level of drama. 💅