Maybe It's Menopause

Maybe it’s menopause, maybe it’s Maybelline. Maybe she’s seeing someone else. Maybe she just hates sex, she’s asexual. Maybe she’s a lesbian. Maybe she just can’t take accountability. Men have peppered my comments over the years with all kinds of “excuses” for what’s wrong with their wife to avoid looking at themselves. I offer other suggestions, like, maybe you’re not good at sex and she doesn’t enjoy it. Maybe you’re angry with her when she’s not in the mood. Maybe you need to shower and brush your teeth more often. Maybe you’re leaving all the housework to her and she’s just too tired for sex after doing all that alone. They don’t want to hear it. It’s always something in her that’s off. And this is where they’ve gone wrong. Not listening to a sexual partner is the fastest way to turn them off. Attention is sexy I’ve enjoyed a number of casual partners in my life and the only ones I’ve had a problem with were the ones who seemed not to care about my experience and only wanted to get something from me. As soon as I can feel a man not attentive to me and seeking his own pleasure, I’m not interested anymore. This is normal. It’s natural not to want to sleep with someone who has no regard for you. If you still want to continue, knowing your partner doesn’t care about you, that’s not a problem in them, it’s in you. I dated a man once who paid very close attention to me. He watched me when I spoke, with eye contact and reflection. He absorbed what I said and could recall it weeks later. He was able to accurately assess me from what I said and would ask for confirmation of his findings. Sometimes he would catch himself projecting when he was seeing something of himself in me, but he saw it. He noticed he was doing it, and saw the separation between us. This was sexy. This turned me on. Every time we were together it was like coming home, physically as much as emotionally. When there’s a mental and emotion connection, there is a bond there. Sexual desire doesn’t create that bond, it responds to it. Another man I dated was able to pick up on small movements in my body and respond appropriately. If I flinched when he touched me unexpectedly, he would apologize and ask before trying again. He was paying attention to my body because he wanted to be respectful of my physical space. This was hot. I wanted him because he was mindful of me. This is no different with a one night stand. I’ve been with men who were hungry for sex and little care for who with. I could have been anyone, he just wanted sex. This made me not want it. But I’ve been with men who wanted a fun mutual experience. Once on a family vacation to Lake Tahoe when I was younger, I met a man who was so good to me I spent most of my vacation with him, in bed, and river beds. We had a lot of fun for a week or so and I went home having enjoyed a fun time. I didn’t need a relationship, but I did need respect. And this is the point. It’s not your relationship that turns a woman on. She’s not aroused by a ring. She’s not turned by because you called her your wife. She’s turned on by respect. She’s aroused by goodness, kindness, faithfulness, and your sexual discipline. She’s excited to sleep with a man who adores her and wants her to feel safe and cared for, married or not. It’s not menopause, it’s you But this is confusing for women to articulate because society has convinced us all that sex just flows naturally in marriage simply because you’re married. Women have been told that sexual desire happens within them. They don’t know it’s a direct response to their environment. I’m single, no man around to entice me or disgust me, and still, my desire is affected by external factors. I can be in the mood one minute and turned off the next simply because I stubbed my toe and now I’m in pain. But it’s not really a lack of desire for sex. I still love sex and that didn’t change because I hit my toe on the coffee table. It changed because my focus is now on pain instead of desire. When you’re upset with your wife for turning down sex, she can’t feel desire for you because her focus has shifted to consoling you. She feels sorry for you now. Or if you were particularly angry, she may feel afraid. Regardless, she is no longer responding with desire but with caution because you’ve reacted badly to her. When you shame your wife for not having enough sex she can’t focus on sex because she’s focused on shame. When you call her frigid, she can’t think about sex because she’s thinking about her husband insulting her. If you accuse her of cheating, she can’t think about sex because she’s wondering how it the world you got that idea. When you blame it on menopause she can’t be interested in sex because now she’s worried about her health, and she’s wondering why you’re not. You’re not worried about her—you’re worried about sex. This is yet another turn off to her. Authentic care is a turn on Remember, care and attention is what turns her on. But here’s the thing… it has to be authentic. Another mistake men make is running through a list of tasks like “make eye contact when she speaks” only to be thinking about rebuttals (or the game) the whole time. A man will do the dishes once or twice but not make a plan to take charge of labor around the home in general to make his wife more relaxed and open sexually. He’ll see a therapist but not do the work to really change on a deep level for himself first. This is the hard part. There’s no checklist. There are no hoops you can jump through to “get” sex from someone. You have to be the kind of person they desire sexually. You need to embody the aspects of a desirable partner. Relationships change all the time. People change and grow. The purpose of a relationship is to grow together. If your partner is changing and growing and you’re not, you’ll need to catch up. You’ll get left behind if you don’t. If you think it shouldn’t change, you’re not healthy enough for a relationship and it’s probably a good idea to end it. If you’re growing apart, there’s no shame in going in separate directions. But if you want to fight for your relationship, be the person who has that relationship. Find out what that relationship needs and become the person who would enjoy that. Or, go after what it is you really want. If you want a relationship with plentiful sex and no growth or emotional connection, let your wife go and find someone else who shares your interest in a lifetime of casual sex. If you can’t keep up, go find someone who’s going nowhere and stay behind with her. You may find me harsh in this, but authenticity requires being true to yourself—and it means being honest with yourself about who you are. What are your real desires, what are your limitations? Do you have what it takes to be in a relationship with this woman anymore or are you not that man? Are you just tired of being married? Be real about that. Talk about it. Give her honesty if nothing else. But if you really do love her, not as a possession, but as a human, consider taking a step back to assess yourself. Talk to a professional if you can. Learn about yourself and what you want with and without her. Who are you outside of your marriage. How do you wish she saw you? You have to show up for yourself, take care of your own needs. And if you’re a wife in this scenario, you do the same. Look into what drives you, what makes you happy, what turns you on. Or used to. Who are you and what do you want for your life? What did you once want that you’ve lost sight of? Can you go after it now? And if you did, would he be a part of that life? Don’t wait on him to change, but be open to the possibility he can. Consider separation and celibacy while you work on yourself. Both of you. If celibacy scares you, that’s something to talk about right there. Why? How did you land in a space of dependence on physical intimacy and what can you do to have a healthier connection with your body? I’m not here to change your mind but to make you aware of it. So many of our decisions are automatic. It’s programming. We all have to awaken to this programming in order to change. I’m just a bell that rings to wake you up. The rest is up to you. Do you want more or are you content to stay where you’re at? Rise and shine. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit natlajune.substack.com/subscribe