Welcome to another episode of Justine Wilder's Guide to Life. I'm Jesse, that's Wilder, and we're here again to guide your life. That's a fact. You've done anything like fun lately, gone out, done cool activities.
Well, I thought about going out and I had a big plan to go out, and then I realized that it was quite hot like the sun, and also the air quality was stifling. And so instead of doing anything, what I did was sit inside and be pissed about everything. How about you? Yeah, I've done that pretty much every day for the last six months.
We usually say this to the end, but I'd like to address quite a large, beautiful elephant in this room, and I'd like to talk about our top downloads recently. Yeah. What's our number one city? Let me just, I'll have to tell you the prologue.
Give me two. Do you remember the big dirty ex? Yes, I recall it. Talking PHX.
Yeah, I think it's PDX, right? Oh, PHX. No, that's PDX is Portland. Oh, yeah.
We do love PDX, too. And next to Kat, much respect on his name. Yep, yep, yep. Yeah.
PHX, Phoenix, Arizona. We used to talk about how we got a lot of downloads in Arizona, and we had a theory. It's because we talked about Arizona iced tea all the time. Right, correct.
I don't think that possibly could be how that works. But we have another little case of that, where big numbers coming out of Kirkland, Washington being good to see you here. And if you've listened to us before, you know that your land is a holy one to us. Yeah, Kirkland, also known as America's Signature City, I would say.
That's Kirkland's Sig. That's Costco brand stuff, which we are very, very fond of. Yeah, so big shout out to all of you at Kirkland. Didn't know if I'm being honest, there was even a township there.
Sort of thought it was just a big factory that made alcohol and gummy bears and... Yeah, sure, batteries. Car batteries, all of the sorts of things that K-SIG delivers to us. But apparently there's people there and they're listening.
So keep up the great work if you're listening. Yeah, and just do something special for yourselves today. Yeah. Yeah, like just bill us.
Right. Oh yeah, for sure. You can Venmo Wilder for that one. Yeah, yeah.
It's at Wilder's Poopy Butt. That's his Venmo. All the other Wilder ones were taken. Every single one, even tried tons of numbers and it was just nothing.
Well, bro, when you're a celeb, you got to jump on those usernames because they all squat on them. You know, I didn't even think about that. Do you think that there's people who are like, oh, I got to lock down at Olivia Munn on Cash App? Absolutely.
In the hopes that either A, Olivia Munn will try and pay me for the rights to this name and be someone who will accidentally Cash App me thinking I'm Olivia Munn and I'll end up with like the second one seems much more lucrative because if I was Olivia Munn and we're not very similar in a lot of ways, I think me and Olivia. Yeah, for sure. That's why I came to mind. Yeah.
We don't need our name out there on Cash App, baby. Right. If I'm Olivia Munn, I'm going, I'm going to use another name. Yeah.
One comes to mind for me. Do you think that all of her Cash App and Venmo is it's at Show Me the Money and Money is spelled like M-U-N-U-Y? Yeah, yeah. Because she's doing a Kingdom Hearts reference, you see.
Yeah. Oh, because that's what money is called in Kingdom Hearts. Is it really? Yeah.
I know what you're thinking. More like Kingdom Hearts and Farts and Crafts, but that's a serious for a minute, folks. Let me ask you this question. Would it be a lucrative business for us to go on?
We just, we get on to the Only Fans. You heard about the Only Fans, bro? I'm a rosy brother. I heard about it.
Okay. I've only recently come to know of the Only Fans. Why don't we, you and I, look up some top performers on Only Fans and we fucking lock them, use your names down on Cash App and Venmo, and then maybe we'll just start getting money. Yeah.
It's actually not a bad call, just like Foots for Toots or whatever the fuck Only Fans names there are and then just we... Who, Foots for Toots? Bro, what kind of Only Fans you looking at? I think we could both agree that if you and I ever wanted to monetize this, which we do want to but never can or will because the product is bad and that's kind of a one in terms of monetizing something.
Yes, correct. Instead of a Patreon, we gotta go Only Fans, right? Yeah. What are we doing on Only Fans?
I think highlight all of our worst qualities and it's sort of a feel good. That's not what this podcast is already? Well, like for example, for me, it would be like close up pictures of my bald spot or like my... Or like both of us wearing basketball jersey and just being very unflattering in said basketball jersey.
Yeah, yeah. Um, fingers, that's you, you're sending pictures of that. It's kind of just like a... Yeah.
Like a shame thing. Shame capsule. This almost feels like a business with beans though, huh? It really does.
Okay. Well, why don't you tell them what we're... I don't have a segue. Why don't you tell them what we're going to talk about today?
Because it doesn't make any fucking sense. No, it doesn't. And I know we say that all the time but this doesn't really... This one doesn't make any sense at all.
We're going to be putting together a rubric for, you guessed it, Jesse's perfect day. Yeah. So... And that's it.
And that's all that we have. I guess yeah. I guess we have a list that I keep of ideas that we have oftentimes. And usually when we come up with an idea that we think is great, we're under the influence of something.
And I write it down in this note pad. And amongst all of our suggestions I saw the phrase Jesse's perfect day. And I thought, damn, that sucks. So let's do it.
Yeah. And I... And a lot of times I can kind up pinpoint the train of thought. Like, like power.
We did our episode on sources of power. Yeah. And that one was like very obvious. Like, oh, we were in Austin, we kept talking about being powerful.
I could trace it. I could interior design one. How fucking lame we sound on vacation, bro? Yeah, I don't give a shit.
Austin, all we did was talk about how powerful we were. I think there's way, way, way, way to spend vacation. I got to tell you. True.
And then like, you know, with like interior design, we were both moving. So it's easy to trace sort of the threads. This one, I for real can't even think of a general time that we would have even come up with this idea. I can't.
Likewise, likewise, likewise. Yeah. So this is Jesse's perfect day. It's my perfect day.
But somehow Wilder's going to contribute to this. I'm not quite sure how. Same. Okay.
So here's my thought. First three categories are beginning, middle, end. Do we agree with that? Yeah, I like that.
I'm going to be the first one for just like an anytime occurrence, right? Yeah, yeah. And can I hit you with one that I think is very not quite lit for anytime? Okay.
Go on. Magic. Okay. Literal magic?
I think you want, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, like a magician. I think you don't want magic in your perfect day. What am I right to assume your perfect day does not include magic. Okay.
This is tricky. Okay. I didn't think it would be. Because I like to think that I'm somebody who doesn't like magic.
But you ever just, you've been lying to me this whole time? You ever just accidentally run into some close up magic and think, oh, and you get a little too. Talk. But I don't like is when I'm in a social situation and someone does magic.
So I went to this very dumb ass restaurant called Ninja New York. I think I've talked about before, but the theme of the restaurant, it's a Japanese food, but the theme is that it's, there's ninjas themed. So you got ninjas. There's a lot of jump scares.
Oh my God. It sounds so stupid. There's a lot of samurai that jump out and spook you. Jesus Christ.
Draw your menu out of a sheet like a samurai sword and fucking flop it down the table. But at some point, for no particular reason, a close up just comes to your table and does some magic. And I have to tell you, it blew my shit up. So I think, I think unexpected magic is very pretty good.
To me, that's like around a party and you're talking to, you know, Brimbram or whatever his name is. And Brimbram's like, hey, you know what's this? A quarter. Right.
Get your fucking quarter out of my face. And that sucks. So that's why it's not very quite lit, obviously. But if I'm at a like, I mean, I don't know what to tell you, bro.
I can't, I can't fully. All right, fine. Very pretty good is magic. Very not quite lit for me.
And this sounds wrong, but we're talking perfect day, right? It's not like a good day. It's a perfect day. I think.
I think. Brugas. It's very not quite lit. Oh, I just think on my perfect day, I don't need to don't want it.
But I mean, are you including alcohol as a druga? Alcohol is going to be, unfortunately alcohol is probably going to be very quite lit. I can't. Okay, let's shoot up to the top.
Let's get to your snoozing in your bed and the day has started. Okay, beginning of the day. I guess. Okay.
I. How do you wake up? Okay, well, I can tell you very not quite lit is an alarm going off. No, thank you.
Yeah, alarm. Yeah. And I just think like, well, just anything waking you up, right? Like a rooster probably can get fucked.
Yeah, rooster got to go for sure. But I, not everything waking you up bad. What if it's a, sometimes I get a little bit of bacon by my sweet. Oh, the smell of something in the kitchen waking you up like a fucking cartoon cat being drawn to.
Yeah, that's a, that's very quite. Well, you ain't like a tractor game while you're still asleep. Yes. Right through your nostrils.
Very pretty good. I'm going to, I'll catch out for this one with the old ball and chain, but a smooch is a very, pretty good way to wake up. Oh, a smooch. Well, that's, you don't really know what's happening if you're asleep.
Well, yeah, but if you wake up to a smooch, you're like, that's nice. And the party's like, why don't you wake me up? Oh, thanks. I got a very quite lit one for anytime though while we're on the topic of smooch.
Consensual adult behaviors. Yup. Got to be very quiet. This ain't our only fans yet.
What did I call it? Foots for tits? Yeah, foots for tits. Ew, God, yuck.
I don't know what any of that means. Yeah. Also, at first time go for wake up. I do like an early start.
I'm not a, I don't love to sleep. Yeah, well, you want to maximize your day, right? If this is my perfect day, it's not like, well, first thing I did was waste fucking 60 hours sleeping. Talk about weather.
I was going to say we got to get into weather. Do you want consistency? I, I, I'm trying to think of perfect day, right? Because part of me really likes a little rain, but certainly not my entire day.
Well, sure. And then it's, it's, the rain can be upsetting because then afterwards my shoes are going to get wet, it's things are going to be, I can't do things outside as much. I think a little bad weather can be a boost to a perfect day. I think you can picture this, if you will.
Remember when we conquered the Great White North? Yes. And it was cold as a motherfuck. Yeah, a green.
You were supposed to walk like 9,000 miles? Yes. And it's not long and far, it's not for having to keep my bones warm to live. So I think very pretty good is inclement weather because I think it can play a role, but it can't, obviously like can't dominate.
And then for me, we're talking, I mean, I'm for very, very quite lit. I'm just going to go like 68 degrees, maybe even like 65 degrees, to be honest. It's got rock horror. Yeah, maybe 65.
Enough room for a light jacket. Oh God, light jacket. That's like a fantasy world that I'm experiencing. It's too goddamn hot to even consider a jacket.
How about, how about attire for a perfect day? Yeah, I think that's the whole category. Light jacket. Light jacket.
Oh my God. I'm going to put hoodie in there too because I do love a hoodie. You know what I love? A 65 is cause for the hoodie under the jacket combo, which is the freshest shit alive for me.
It's excellent. It's not quite, my hoodies are thicker than yours and I run very hot. So 65, not quite cold enough for me for that move. I'm talking like zip up hoodie style.
Yeah, I know. I know. Not like a work out. Like I want to say what's on my downstairs, like my pants or whatever, but I don't even really need to, I guess, because that's nothing.
Yeah, you're probably wearing something nice and thick and crisp and not very comfortable. Well, the thing is I do, on my perfect day, I do want to look very fresh. Do you know what I mean? Yeah.
I have a ton of hands lined up that night. I don't look good. You've got Tootsies, Tootsies. What was it?
Tootsies, Footies? What did you call it? What's for Toots? Foots for Toots.
Foots for Toots dog. Very pretty good. I'm going to get the old Shorts and a T-shirt combo. It's a classic.
That was my kind of my shit growing up and then what happened was I got older and wiser and I realized there was other shit out there. Yes. Of course. That's what I'm saying is like, it is still a bastion of comfort for me.
The old Shorts and a T-shirt combo. I'm literally wearing that right now, but if it's my perfect day, I don't want to look like like fucking ninth grade Jesse McGrath. What do you feel about an outfit change? Oh, you know, I do like it.
Same. I think that that goes in a tire for sure. Outfit change, you can't do formal wear for longer than like three hours and have a good time. Correct.
Like by the time that three hours hits, I'm like, I think that's not like, you can still groove at a wedding. You're the wiggle beast. Oh no, for sure. And obviously dancing is gonna be, I mean, I'm gonna just put it in very quite late here at the end.
Really, it's an anytime for me, but I will say that's an end activity. I can still get to it. It's the problem is that like you, that formal wear, that tuxedo, but once it hits that three hour mark, the diminishing returns on how good you look are diminishing rapidly. I just think like I'm sweating my ass off through that shit.
I've already taken my jacket off, my suspenders are hanging around my waist. Like you start to fucking fall apart a little bit. It's not slowing me down, but am I perfect day? I don't want any like instances where it's like, oof, he really fell apart there at the end.
Oh God, I got another one for the end of day, but very not quite lit. And unfortunately it's one that befalls me often falling asleep early. Okay, yeah, well, I mean, so this is a complete fantasy then because I guarantee you will fall asleep early on this day. Much like you fall asleep early on every day.
Old sleepy poopy can't keep his fucking head up. Yeah, so am I right to assume that a movie does not happen on your perfect day because he will not live through that? I think a movie is very pretty good, specifically in the middle of the day. And a perfect day, bro?
Because think about the last movie we saw. I know, well, I was gonna bring up the same day. And the last movie we'll ever see. Yeah.
We saw the fucking head hog. We've definitely brought this up, but the last movie we saw at theaters was a movie we saw together and it was Sonic the Hedgehog. On vacation. On vacation.
It was so hot. We were like, let's beat the heat baby, let's see Sonic the Hedgehog baby. But okay, but here's my thing. I actually like a like late morning, early afternoon movie because it doesn't feel like my whole day is that.
So again, I'm not saying it's perfect. It's not gonna be very quite late for me, but a middle of the day movie is sometimes a great way. Like when you know you got something dope at the end of the day come in. And you kind of got that feeling of just like, it's only two, like I wanna get to nine already.
So we can go ahead. Okay, okay, the time passer. Yeah, yeah. But like bro, are you trying to pass time on your perfect day?
Well, here's the deal. How come you're not having fun? But listen, you're also, I feel like you're, you have in your head Sonic the Hedgehog, which is I get it. But it's my perfect day.
I'm going to see like fucking Terminator 2 in theaters. You know what I mean? Like that's the shit that I'm talking about. And that could be something to me.
That could be a real, and that's a fun one because like, obviously anytime I want all my friends there, I gotta have my friends. And movies are good all the way. It's like, all right everyone, the show signs a fucking 210, and then we're gonna get lunch afterwards. So like let's let a rip.
Middle of the day is hard, I think. Yeah, what time is that? Well, it's before and it's after beginning. I tell you a bad one for me on my perfect day.
In the middle of the day, theme park. I don't, it's not perfect to me. It's so fun for me. Well, there's also, let me hit you with a scenario that I've experienced.
What if theme park is free and close? And you can just pop in and pop out, baby, because I know people that work for that big nasty Disney company that's so very, very evil. Sometimes we can just slide through D-land for like a few hours and bounce, and there's no pressure because you didn't pay. Right.
It's kind of a, it can be clutch. I don't disagree with you. Here's my thing, you still gotta wait in line? Yeah.
You still like, because this is my perfect day, right? So obviously meals are gonna be very important to me. Well, let's get you a fast. Let's get you one of them in front of the line thing.
Bro, you fake an injury, easy peasy. You're in a wheelchair. Okay, yeah. All right.
Wheelchair your way through. Is deception involved in your perfect day? It could be. I actually think that a little bit of action could be good.
Sure. In fact, I'm gonna add that. Very quiet lid. Just a small amount of action.
No, give me some examples of action that you would experience on your perfect day. Well, I'm gonna use Austin again, because apparently you and I have no personalities, except for the two fucking vacations we've been on. When we showed up to, you know the action. When we showed up to the restaurant that we had reservations at turn down, it was the wrong reservation, it was the wrong restaurant.
So we did a high speed chase. Yeah, that's the type of action I like. A small amount. Yeah, I love how little context people have for what we're talking about.
All that matters is that there was like a very menial like conflict or not even conflict like issue. Where's conflicts go? I'm gonna boost conflict into another thing that I'm gonna put in the middle of the day. And I think this is stupid, but I actually don't care because it's my perfect day.
I'm putting go-karts, very quiet lid middle of the day activity on my perfect day. Go-karts. I get to give a single thing bad and it adds a little bit of action, right? Inherent in that activities action and conflict.
The one way I see conflict is a positive. Dog for some reason my brain when you're saying go-karts, Oh, do you bump-karts? Stop bro. I was gonna say, where's that falling?
The bottom of the list, baby. Bumper-karts. Yeah, I was like, do you really love bumper cars so much? No, go-karts, go-karts, go-karts, go-karts.
Yes, of course. And where conflict comes into go-karts is like maybe me and a couple of fronds are out playing go-karts and there's just one dickhead who's like bumping everybody and taking it way too serious. That's the type of conflict I like. You get to defeat a chode on your perfect day.
Oh yeah, for sure. How about you defeat a chode on your perfect day? Well, I mean, that's one way, right? And I mean, if something you're doing is- Beating someone in a game?
Mini-putt! Thank you. Mini-putt, perfect middle of the day. Yeah, yeah, yeah, mini-putt, huh?
Who calls it mini-putt? Oh, I don't know. Me? I think you get mini-golf or you get putt-putt.
Okay, I'll do mini-golf. I don't ever say putt-putt. Putt-putt sucks, dude. Yeah, that one's lame-o.
That's how you can tell a narc. If they say let's do some putt-putt, you're like, no, bro. So, does anybody wanna do putt-putt with me? That's on our only fans too.
Yeah, that voice. Yeah, we do putt-putt. You wanna hear how much these bunguses like putt-putt? Yeah.
In our great conquering of Austin, we went to do putt-putt. I thought it would suck because it was full of little children. Did it, turned out to be kind of fun, so much so that we went back later that day and did it again. Yes, we did.
Sure did. And then out-stayed the staff. Yeah, we closed it down, as they say. We shut it down.
I literally like basically told us to lock up after him. Yeah. Well, I'd also bought a 12-room spike cell season, which was fit, polishing him off outside when he closed it. Because it was BYOB, which was- where's BYOB end up in your perfect day?
You know, I love it. I love it. Yeah, I think that it's very good. Because it forces you to be a little bit creative too.
Like, what do we want? Because you can't- you're not wondering, you can't just have everything. Do we want hardly? It also means you're going somewhere, right?
Yeah. End of the day is where I'll sweat. When I'm good and fucking good. Yeah, and for your consensual adult activity, we're all going to run around.
Oh, yeah. These are all very good mini golfing go-karts. Just children activities, basically. What's breakfast like?
We do in brunch, we do in breakfast, we do in indoor, we do in outdoor. Tell me about it, right now. Okay. I'll never- I'll never- on my perfect day, I'm never eating outdoors.
I'm not like that activity. Like on a patio. I know what you mean, and the answer is no. What?
You don't want to eat on a patio? No, I hate it. When do you hate it? I don't like it.
I think that a covered patio is fine. It is fine. If it's nice weather? The best for me is I'm inside, but I'm right by the window and it's one of those big windows that opens.
So I'm still inside, but I'm soaking up all the outside's goodness. Okay. I don't like being outside because I- there's too many- it's again- Well, you're out because you're afraid of everything. It's like with the Drugas.
There's too many outside factors that can't be controlled. What if the weather gets a little salty? What if- Okay, what about bugs? Oh my God.
Just bugs around? I don't think so. I mean, I do get eaten alive by the scuitos everywhere I go, but- I think like there's a- like one of the better patios that I've eaten on is- uh, fuck, I can't remember the name of it. It's the place in San Francisco that has the dream pancakes, it's like Zaboski's or something.
It has a Z-name, and they have a nice patio, but it's also like almost completely covered in like, uh, in overgrowth, in like trees and stuff, and that's cool until fucking Leaf falls on my $16 Benedict. No, thank you. Oh, bro. We got different.
We got different. Eating outside, I'll give it a very pretty good. And that's a- that's an anytime for me. I want breakfast, not brunch.
I'm getting breakfast, very quite lit, and brunch is gonna be a two for me. My probably- I'm not gonna go on some rant about like, a brunch isn't a real meal, man, man, man. My only problem with brunch is it feels like I'm turning two meals into one, and I really want three meals. I mean, ideally I'll have four- five meals, but- Here it is, uh, where does little snacky snacks all day long go?
Well, it goes- obviously snack- snack comes into anytime and it's a- it's a perfect idea to do need my snack comes. Yeah. And that's like, we're at a bar and we get some chips and guac, or, you know, we're- we're running around and we see, oh, what's that a little- mmm, that guy has ice pops? Yes, please.
I have a little- little ice pops. Now, okay, we're doing a lot of good. What's the opposite? Like, waiting in line in general, if that's at any time, it's a bad bet for me.
Waiting in line. Like, I don't want to go to a breakfast place where I'm waiting in line. I don't want to go to a theme park where I'm waiting in line. Oh, you know, we do this one a lot, and maybe it's not even worth its own category, but crew?
Too many. Yeah, too many peeps. Too many cooks. Yeah, too many cooks.
Too many fans in the only. Yeah, I mean, too many Fuzzy's in my Tutsies. Yep, as they say. Uh, yeah.
It's not my perfect day, because then I feel like I got a kind of walk on a show. It's that guy's perfect day at that point. Yeah, well, like, yeah, because he's with me on my perfect day. My alleged perfect day.
I do think, perfect day, you switch crews up a little bit. Okay. You know what I'm saying? Like, maybe the first part of the day I'm hanging with my lady friend and then I go get lunch with the boys, you know, the boys.
Yeah, with the fucking boys. Yeah, baby. Yeah, baby. And then maybe at the end of the day and then we all get back together.
Okay, you got outfit change, crew change. How many outfit changes in your perfect day? It's just the one. It's more than one, there's something that's gone wrong and it's not perfect anymore.
I've spilled it or I'm sweating or something. I can't deal with more than one outfit change, but it's a good, I mean, you know, it's good. And it happens between middle and end for sure. I'm gonna do very, pretty good for end of day, like a bar crawl.
Okay, multiple bars. So breakfast, it's not because my perfect, I do love biscuits and gravy. Unfortunately biscuits and gravy is an anchor that gets put into your body by yourself. You're not doing anything after you, real.
I know, biscuits and gravy. And so you can't. So I think my perfect breakfast on my perfect day is bagel and cream cheese. Okay.
Or maybe even like a bagel, like a breakfast sandwich, because I think I'm getting, I'm still kind of treating myself. It's something I truly love and it's delicious. Because you're gonna have a snack before lunch. Right, exactly.
So I think bagel and cream cheese has got to be very quite lit. Because yeah, I feel like I haven't really reached my potential at that point. I'm leaving a lot of room to grow, which is perfect. Very, pretty good.
I'm gonna put biscuits and gravy. It's just, it's really, I love it so much, but jeez Louise, it really knocks you out. You're just your day's over. Yeah, it's it.
You ended at the beginning. Very not quite lit for breakfast food. Yeah, porridge. You porridge.
I think very pretty good is cereal. I don't want to just list foods, but like. Well, also like, you try to get full of milk before your day starts. Let me tell you about being full of milk.
Because obviously, because I'm an idiot, whenever I go bowling, what do I want? White Russians drink about a thousand of them. And then when you're rolling it, when you're bouncing around, rolling around full of milk, bro, you can feel it. Yeah, I mean it sucks.
Milk? What do we think about very not quite lit for your perfect day, anytime? But then we have to take cereal off a very pretty good. And I don't know if I prepare to do that.
Okay, got it. But otherwise, yeah. I mean, milk anytime passed like 10 a.m., yes. You mentioned bowling.
And I think there's a lot of these things that go into multiple categories because you could do go-karts at any time or dance at any time or whatever, right? Bowling, truly anytime. Yeah, bowling anytime. I love a midday bowl.
That's my thing. I think end of day, bowling is like very pretty good. I think you could be doing other things that are probably better. I sort of think like middle of the day or you ever fuck with a morning bowl?
I don't know. Like when it's said a.m. On the clock? Like 11 a.m.
Like we're going to go bowling in the game. Sounds delightful. But my thing is I don't like to bowl with only two people. It's boring to me.
No one can talk. One person's always. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's true.
But again, it's something you say like, yo, we're going to meet like we're going to I feel like it's over. We're going to do it post-run. You kick off the day. Or pre-lunch.
You know what I mean? Where it's like it's going to- Would you brunch at the bowling alley? Honestly, not a horrible idea. I'm putting bowling in that like with that brunch like fucking chicken tenders and hot dogs.
I'm fine with it. I'm fine with it. I'm fine with it. I think that just hot dog appearing your perfect day.
Me too. First of all, quite possibly. Oh god. Oh, you know what a great middle of the day activity is for me is a baseball game watching a baseball game like at the stadium.
Obviously not like sitting on TV and watching people. That's long though. That's a lot of your day. That's going to be all in all what?
Four hours getting there sitting through the game leaving. I wake up early to the smell of I guess smell of breakfast and bagel and cream cheese don't make any type of sense. I wake up to the smell of coffee. Yeah, the smell of something you're not going to eat.
Smell of coffee. I go out and have my bagel and cream cheese like 8 a.m. Maybe I play some video games. That's video games going to be at any time and that's going to be very good obviously.
This is your perfect day. This is Lee Z. But that's part of it. Maybe I'm going to try to sprint around.
We get up. The bowling alley opens at 10. So we're going to get there at 10 30. We hit a couple of rounds.
It's not that far from the baseball park. Right. A couple of rounds. Maybe both for like an hour or two.
Right. It's coming up on noon. We go. Sure.
Two five people. The stadium. We got our five and a half. We go to the stadium.
What we're there now. We're going to do it. We're going to tailgate baby. Damn.
I fucking love tailgating. We're going to tailgate. That especially the weather is nice. Oh yeah.
Now we're getting them snackums. We're getting them. A lot of them in there. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
We're slurping those down. It's a one o'clock first pitch. Even more snackums. The thing about live sports for me is even no matter how hard I care about the game or the team or whatever, at some point the game is secondary.
Yes. Especially that's why I said baseball specifically. I feel like it's the litty. It's the easiest one to just be like, yeah, I mean we're doing whatever.
It is fun sometimes fun to be in these rockets crowds with sport. Oh man. I would never have said that six months ago. I know.
I know. But here we are. I would even go to a club tonight. You told me I could go to a club.
Oh yeah. If you said the only thing you could do was go, you could be in crowds and be 100% safe, but you have to go to like a pretty broy club where everyone's drinking like neon purple shots and they're all like $15. I go, fuck, let me go. Let me get my shirt on.
Let me get my clear shirt on. Okay, I got a gross one. You're never going to say yes. What do you think about a little tactical chunder on your perfect?
Yeah, it's a no, bro. It's a big no. It's obviously very not quite lit, but why don't you go ahead and sell it. I mean, I know what your point is.
Tactical, bro. Tactical. Okay. The tactical chunder.
You just kind of clear it out for the rest of the day. Maybe you've had a lot to drink already. Maybe you've had a lot to eat already. It's my perfect day.
So I don't just I just don't think this is what's happening to me. Got it. I just don't think on your perfect day, you're like on my perfect day, I'm going to get so full that I'm going to have to throw up. I just think that's my definition of imperfect day.
Trimalchio is banquet, brother. Middle of the day. Ideal food for me. Sammy.
It's perfect. It's not going to fill me up too much. It's going to leave room for snack homes. It's also one of my favorite foods.
So give me a sammy please. We got to get to the end of the day. I am going to have some barbecue. It's my perfect day.
You're going to do this before you go dancing? Let me just remind you. No, you're not. I think I can do it.
You think you could eat barbecue and then go dancing? I think you absolutely part up that. No, no, no. Here's the deal, friendo.
You have this in your head and I don't blame you because I think the same thing. It is very possible that I'll- I have it in my head that you can't eat barbecue and then go dancing. That'll absolutely- I could absolutely beef this. But think about what is coloring your- It could be disastrous.
What is coloring this for you is the fact that the last time we ate barbecue, we ate it to such an extent that we put ourselves to the brink of death. I'm talking of normal fucking good boy amount. I recently ordered barbecue and I got- I split a order of brisket and ribs and two sides with someone. It was easy-beasy.
But you can do that, bro. To me, barbecue is one of the foods where it's like no control. I'm getting every meat. I'm getting every side.
I'm gonna- Right, but- But here's the stuff- With my crew of five, it's not so hard. Again, what happened with me and you is we were like we gotta get every meat on every side. And it was two people splitting every meat on every side. Right.
Well, one of them was intended to be shared between four. But then instead of bringing it back to our other two, we just sat there and ate it. Eight more of it and we said suck suck. Yeah, pretty much.
We told them to wait for us. But I feel like in this perfect day situation, I've got my five friends. So it's like, cool, we're gonna order brisket. It's only four pieces of brisket.
So nobody's even having a full piece really. It's just a- Okay, fine, fine, fine, but like that's your perfect day. Like you don't even eat that much food? No, I'm eating enough food, bro.
I don't know why you're- I'm just like so concerned that you're gonna be hungry. Yeah, you're fucking- Your insistence with barbecue is that I'll either not eat enough or eat so much that I won't be physically able to move. I get it, but I'm gonna make it happen. Correct.
Okay, fine. If I can't have biscuits and gravy, I'm gonna have fucking barbecue. That's- that's all there is to it. I'll allow it.
Yeah. Here's the other option though. One of my five is fucking poopy pants waboo and he's like, bro, we can't eat barbecue and then dance because I'm a little bitch. Then obviously the meal at the end of the day is small plates.
It's gotta be. And we can't have that ever again. Unfortunately, the virus has killed all small plates, but just a big- Why do you gotta say things like that? I know.
I'm sorry, I'm just being honest. A big mess of small plates. Just a whole freaky ass. And I'm thinking probably Mediterranean because that's the easiest one to me where it's just like little salads, dips, pitas.
Honestly. Maybe you have like a little plate of french fries for some reason. I don't fucking know. I'm simply salivating.