Military Conflicts Now To Be Resolved on Football Field

BAGHDAD, IRAQ—In a joint statement issued from the Iraqi capital, the governments of the United States, Great Britain, and Iraq announced Tuesday that all current military conflicts in the region would henceforth be resolved on the field of play. "We believe that football is a game of honor and integrity, and we wish to settle our differences in a manner befitting such a noble game," said U.S. Army Lt. Col. James Phelan, who added that all U.S. troops will be issued football uniforms and helmets for use in future battles with Iraqi insurgents. "We have no quarrel with the people of Iraq or any other nation in this region, but only with one another," Phelan said as he pointed to a large football field that has been constructed near Baghdad's Green Zone for use by coalition forces and insurgent fighters alike. "And we hope to resolve our differences once and for all on this hallowed ground." Phelan added that if hostilities resume in the region, he hopes that both sides will honor the game's time-honored tradition of shaking hands after each touchdown is scored. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/09/15/military-conflicts-now-to-be-resolved-on-football-field/