Who's ready to rock today, Fire Nation? JLD here, and welcome to Entrepreneurs on Fire, brought to you by the HubSpot Podcast Network, with great shows like CEO School. Today, we'll be breaking down the mistakes parents make when their kids invite them into their LGBTQ plus world. To drop these light bombs, I'll talk to Dr.
Lulu in the EO Fire studios. Dr. Lulu is a Nigerian-born queer, a former U.S. Air Force lieutenant colonel, disabled veteran, semi-retired pediatrician, three-time TEDx speaker, seven-time best-selling author, youth suicide prevention activist, LGBTQ plus youth advocate, and mom of a transgender young adult who lives in and agitates the governor of Texas.
And today, we'll be talking about the story of Dr. Lulu. We'll be talking about suicide and the sad reality behind it. We'll be talking about LGBTQ plus and youth advocacy.
We'll talk about Dr. Lulu's story with Oprah and so much more. And a big thank you for sponsoring today's episode goes to Lulu and our sponsors. Is this your year?
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Tune in for convos with leading sales experts and top performing reps to help you land more meetings with your ideal clients. One of my faves, the monthly app with Jason and Ethan, where they share hacks, tips, and tricks. Listen to Outbound Squad, wherever you get your podcasts. Dr.
Lulu, say what's up to Fire Nation and share something that you believe about becoming successful that most people disagree with. Becoming successful that most people disagree with is about honoring your inner child. Fire Nation, as you can tell, we're having a special interview today about the mistakes parents make when their kids invite them into their LGBTQ plus world. And you, Dr.
Lulu, had quite the coming out story to your father. Let's hear that now. I was born, bred, buttered, and slightly burned in Nigeria, which is one of the most homophobic countries in West Africa. Ironically, Nigeria is also one of the most religious countries in West Africa.
So go figure. When I was 11, I got into a boarding school for girls. So it was an all-girls boarding school. I was a nice little innocent girl.
But by the time I was 16, which was time to graduate, it's a five-year high school, I realized that I liked girls. I was like, okay, is this a coincidence? What is it? What is it?
And I told my dad, you know, who my dad and I still buddies to this day. So my dad, you know, like most African parents, what he knew was it's a phase. And he was like, no, it's just a phase. You'll grow out of it.
And so I believed him, which is what most children will do. Well, 26 years later, I did not grow out of it. I had finished the first marriage with my ex, to my ex-husband. And I was like, yeah, I really like Keisha.
I don't think we can act on that likeness. But anyway, what I'm trying to make is, it was not a phase. I didn't grow out of it. Me, I did my own child when she came into the world as a boy, you know, at least assigned as a male at birth.
And we were trying to raise a boy. And I was like, this kid is a little too feminine for me. What's going on? And when she was 12, I actually asked her if she was gay.
And she was like, no, mom, I'm not sure. She said, I'm not sure. But what I heard was no, which is kind of funny, right? Kids will tell you something and you hear something.
I heard no. So I said, you know, jubilating, oh yes, thank you, God. Phew, please don't make him gay. Please don't make him gay.
But God was like, so you think gay is the worst thing that I can make? Mikey, we're going to call my kid Mikey. And I was like, yes. And God was like, no, I have other things for you.
How about transgender? I'm like, what? What are you doing, God? No.
And then God was like, so who do you think I should make their child gay? You are self-proclaimed talkative, you're agitator, you're a speaker, you're an author, you're this or that. So who do you want me to send? And I was like, well, I mean, if you put it that way, I guess.
And then God was like, well, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to send you to do this work. And I'm going to send people like John Lee Dumas to set the stage for you, to give you a platform to get the word out there. But this work, you must do.
Otherwise, you're going to end up in the belly of the fish. And let me tell you, that's not going to look good with my style. So I was like, okay, God, I'll do what I got to do. I love my kid and embrace my kid.
But that was only after I had been extremely homophobic towards my child. There's an entity in the LGBTQ community called internalized homophobia. Internalized homophobia only occurs, you guessed it, amongst LGBTQ persons. Hello?
We hear all these negative narratives and negative whatnots coming at us from every corner. So we start to believe that we are indeed bad. There's something wrong with us where we are bound for hell. And we start hating ourselves and we start hating anybody that is like us.
And so most, and I'm going to say this with my full chest, like they say in Nigeria, with my full chest, most extremely homophobic people are actually closeted gays. Yes, I said it. I said it on John Lee Dumas' this interview and podcast. I said, don't get me.
That's it. Dr. Lulu, we have a lot to talk about. And I love that you're just cutting straight to the point.
I think it's an important topic that's actually near and dear to my heart for a lot of reasons is suicide. Because I'm a veteran and when a lot of people think about suicides, they think about veterans over 40 suicides a day, which is so sad. And you're a former U.S. Air Force Lieutenant Colonel, so I know this is meaningful to you as well.
But people also think about those addicted to narcotics when it comes to suicide. But we also need to talk about youth suicide prevention. Talk to us about this topic. That is a topic that's so near and dear to my heart, not only because I have looked suicide in the eye.
I like to say that I've looked suicide in the eye. But also I have lost more than one patient to suicide. Most people don't know that I'm a real physician. I'm like, I'm a real doctor.
I'm actually like a pediatrician. This is my 32nd year of being a physician. So I've been around for a minute. I lost my very first patient in 2008, I believe.
He was 15. And then before that, I lost a friend, a colleague, another Nigerian female physician to suicide. And then I nearly lost a seven-year-old patient to me in 2016 to suicide. So I have looked suicide in the eye.
As a matter of fact, my first TEDx talk is titled Childhood Trauma and What You Can Do to Help because they didn't want me to use the word suicide in it. But really, it's about suicide prevention in youth. What I'd like to say that most people will think is counterintuitive when I'm going to say my full chest is when it comes to childhood suicide, we must think trauma first. Yes, for adult suicide, y'all can think whatever y'all want to think.
Usually they say depression and all that. But really, if you look at what the WHO has on their list of suicides, the top three common solutions for suicide, mental illness doesn't make the cut. The first one is relationship problems, i.e. divorce, breakups, parental rejection.
That's a relationship, right? We have to look at that. Then financial problems. In 2008, after the outcome birth, we had a streak in suicides.
That was not mental illness. That was loss of financial brouhaha. So the point I'm trying to make is the number one reason for children to decide to jump, which is what I like to say, is usually betrayal from a trusted person around them. And that's what I said on my TEDx talk.
It's parental betrayal, friends between them, tears between them, being sexually assaulted by their trusted uncle or priest in the case of a Catholic kid. Whatever you can think of as childhood trauma, when children lose that trust, then they now go into the spiral of I'm not good enough. And then that voice says, you know what? You deserved it.
Or you should have seen it coming. Or what were you thinking? All of these words that start coming at you. And then before you know it, yes, you go to the doctor.
Yes, they give you an antidepressant. True. But the number one side effect of antidepressants is suicidal ideation. So what are we talking about here?
We're talking about parents trying to reverse the way they look at suicide. For instance, in the LGBTQ community, in the past 12 months, up to 47% of LGBTQ kids, particularly gender non-conformers, have seriously considered suicide. Not because they're mentally ill, but because of the way the society treats them because they're queer. We have to look at these things.
We cannot pretend that the random governor of Texas making a law about LGBTQ kids and their parents being arrested for supporting their trans kids is okay with a child. It's not okay. We have to look at what we're doing to these children and how we're trying to cause something that's good and otherwise should be celebrated to become something that's bad and almost a burden on the child. If it's a burden on my child, then it's a burden on me.
So anyway, I don't even want to answer your question, John, but let's just roll with it. We're going to roll with it because you're talking about a lot of important topics that are coming up in the world today and they're not going anywhere, Fire Nation. We're talking about this and more when we get back from thinking our sponsors. Have you ever thought about starting a completely new business from scratch?
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Dr. Lulu, there's a phrase that's called invite-in that's being used a lot more often. Sometimes I'm thinking it's in the place of coming out. So what is invite-in and what became of coming out?
To answer that question, which is a great question, to answer that question, I'm going to send Fire Nation to take a quick 15-minute break and watch my second TEDx talk after you finish listening to this episode. It's titled Rethinking the Closet, Coming Out as LGBTQ Plus versus Inviting In. And I heard the phrase inviting in maybe a year or so ago when I was on another podcast and I said to the lady, I made a declaration, I said, you know what, I love that concept so much. That's going to be the topic of my next TEDx talk.
And there's power in proclamation. So the whole concept is, number one, whose closet is it anyway? Whose idea was it to put any human experience in a closet? When you look at the origin of the word closet and how LGBTQ plus persons became synonymous with the word closet, you see that it was actually started by, I'm going to go there, cis white men, once upon a time, many, many moons ago.
And the idea was, you know, you hide this aspect of your life, you pretend it doesn't exist and let's hide it in a place where no one will find it, which is what we do with closets, right? You put your old shoes, your old coats, your school books or whatever things in the closet and your bones and your skeletons and then close it. But what you're doing in essence is hiding a portion, a significant portion, not the main portion, but a significant part of somebody's life away in a closet, causing multiple ripple effects like mental health challenges. People are afraid to even say that they're gay because guess what?
Studies have shown that there are two peak periods of suicidal behavior in queer youth when they first realize that they're indeed queer or gay or LGBT and I'm going to now bring it up to you. But the whole concept of inviting in is you, the listener, you, the adult, you, the other person needs to create a safe enough space for me to invite you into my world. So my world now becomes a beautiful rainbow world with all kinds of decorations and any kind of flowers I want to put in it. It's my special place.
It's not in a closet. It's not hidden. It's not a secret. It's not a shameful thing.
It just is. But you have to earn your invitation. So I get to invite you in because you created a safe enough space aka you become an ally. So being an ally is a doing word.
Allies like love is an action word. You don't become an ally secretly. You must announce your allyship. I must see that you're putting things in place to make me feel safe enough to say, you know what, John, I'm going to tell you something, something really special about me.
Did you know that I'm bisexual? And that way, because I know that, John, you're going to be like, oh my goodness, let's go have a drink and celebrate or whatever as opposed to, what? Don't tell anybody that. That's a secret.
That's a shame. How did you know? Are you sure? Who told you that you are?
Have you been sexually active? Were you sexually assaulted? You know, things like that. All those mistakes and misconceptions are just about the queer community.
So inviting in is about empowerment. It's about owning your ship as it were, that this is who I am and I have no apologies and I'm only going to invite you into my space if I find you worthy. And as the host who owns the right to invite you, I also own the right to disinvite you or to upgrade you or to do whatever I want to do, but I own it. I'm not hiding in any closet.
That's the long version of the difference between inviting in and coming out. But especially since suicidal behavior has been linked to the coming out process. If it's been linked to that, then why don't we rephrase the words and make these kids free to be who they are? Thankfully, the next generations, the millennials and the Gen Xers and the Gen Zers and the Gen Alphers actually are the most accepting and most affirming generations so far.
So the new generations, they know this thing. They know that it's okay to just be who you are and let's move on. We need to learn how to be that. That was powerful.
Thank you, Dr. Lulu, for sharing everything about inviting in and what became of coming out. Let's talk about the Queen Oprah story. You were interviewed.
Tell us that story. So I was minding my business about a year or so ago and I saw a call for, I think it was a call for like, do you want to be interviewed on Oprah daily? Do you have a job or do you have something that you do that is of service to the community? And I was like, I have something that I do that is of service to the community.
I work in youth suicide prevention. I'm a black, queer, physician, mom of a transgender youth. I think I can do this. I'm doing this work to help create awareness for youth suicide, especially in the LGBT community.
I think that's service. So I apply and I forget all about it. And then like in June, I get an email that Oprah opened this interview by Oprah. Of course, I didn't believe it.
So I discarded it. I just deleted it. Like, you know what, these guys, they're not going to get my money. Somebody wants my money.
And then I get another email like a month later. It says, please open or something like that. Do not discard or something like that. And I'm like, wait, is this real?
I called my kid. I said, this place is from Oprah, Hearst Magazine. What is that? So my kid was like, well, mom, I mean, I don't know.
you've been hacked before so you show you one open and i said well let's look at who is her first magazine and then we look and it's like oprah i'm like what open it and so we opened it and we responded and then we got invited to be interviewed on oprah daily.com she's doing this the life you want masterclass and that masterclass we're gonna have we're gonna have um rebecca welch and forget his name the african-american guy and then who's gonna be there and then we're gonna like just i just thought we're just gonna be in the audience but no you get to be asked questions like oprah and oprah asked me about imposter syndrome i'm like uh so what happened was she's like dr lulu tell me about this imposter syndrome also you know and i said you know what the truth is yes i'm doing the work yes i'm talkative yes i'm loud yes i'm in your face yes i'm passionate you know a lot of times i go to bed i'm afraid i'm afraid for my child i'm afraid for myself i live in texas people want to arrest me just for loving and supporting my kid every now and again i'm afraid that no one is going to listen to me i'm black i have an accent you know i mean all those things i was like well i'll tell you something you are gallant you are a trailblazer you are a queen don't you ever think that you have imposter syndrome again and i was like yes auntie oprah so the truth about it is we all have moments when we experience imposter syndrome especially as entrepreneurs we don't think we're doing enough we don't think i'm making enough difference we don't think anybody wants to hear what we have to say like why me right but the truth is why not you why not you like who else is going to do it like i said who else is going to do this work if not you and the truth about ideas when it comes to entrepreneurship is if you don't act on it god is going to give that idea to somebody else who's going to do it so you might as well just just pull the bandit and just jump and then figure it out on your way down that's what i have to say so that's kind of how i got on oprah and um yes so i get to say i was interviewed by oprah it says 11 minutes oprah 11 minutes that's an eternity to spend with oprah i mean if you boil that down to what her dollars per hour is that she's worth it's millions and millions of dollars so dr lulu let's end with a bang you have an upcoming book launch and retreat tell us all the details so one of the things i realized thank you for that question one of the things i realized is when it comes to entrepreneurship you gotta put yourself out there you know invisibility is the killer and when it comes to accepting your lgbt plus child lack of self-acceptance is the killer so i put those two things together i said okay if you don't accept yourself you cannot accept your child now what lies beneath self-acceptance self-love so i said okay how about put this self-love thing to the test and then i created a self-love journal and i published that in november of 2022 it's literally called the self-love journal with a 30-day challenge prompt so i was looking at the journal and i was like okay so the self-love journal on a daily basis you ask yourself you know why did i love myself today and then if you love yourself how much better are you going to now love your child because now you love yourself because now you accept yourself so we are having a self-love retreat for parents of lgbt plus kids seven lucky parents are going to rock the house with me this fall stay tuned for the exact dates but in the meantime go to dr-lulu.com forward slash retreat for all of the details all of the frequently asked questions everything you'd like to know about this amazing retreat for you by me dr lulu thank you wow fire nation you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with you've been hanging out with dr lulu and jld today so keep up the heat if you have any direct questions eofire.com just type lulu in the search bar that'll hold the show notes page with links to everything ways to contact dr lulu all that jazz and one more time what is that direct url to that call to action dr lulu dr-lulu.com forward slash retreat dr lulu thank you for sharing your truth your knowledge your value with fire nation today for that we salute you and we'll catch you on the flip side yay hey fire nation a huge thank you to our sponsors and dr lulu for sponsoring today's episode and fire nation successful entrepreneurs accomplish big goals that's why i created the freedom journal to guide you accomplishing your number one goal in 100 days we're talking step by step visit thefreedomjournal.com and i'll catch you there or i'll catch you on the flip side is this your year visit thrivetimeshow.com to see testimonials of how clay clark's business coaching has helped over 2 000 entrepreneurs to dramatically increase profitability it's month-to-month and less money than an average minimum wage employee schedule your free consultation today at thrivetimeshow.com outbound squad hosted by jason bay is brought to you by the hubspot podcast network the audio destination for business professionals tune in for convos with leading sales experts and top performing reps to help you land more meetings with your ideal clients one of my faves the monthly app with jason ethan where they share hacks tips and tricks listen to outbound squad wherever you get your podcasts