Motivation isn't as helpful as tiny habits

Motivation and willpower aren’t enough. When I was about 14 years old I told myself that I wasn’t going to do this any more.  I knew what I was doing was not really something that I wanted to be doing but felt like I had to just get the right motivation and put some willpower to it and it would be done.  I could quit this.  I wanted to be the kind of kid who didn’t have to feel ashamed of who I was when people weren’t looking.  This was around the time I went to my first youth conference, I’m pretty sure it was in Seward Alaska, at some high school and it was a blast.  The theme song was Fly like an eagle by the steve miller band. Pretty sure that is a not so veiled reference to getting high from the same band that brought you the line, ‘some people call me a space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love’  - but as kids we just went along with it and enjoyed our time learning about the gospel with our friends, meeting new friends from around Alaska and singing along whenever the leaders played the song, “time keeps on slippin into the future.”I came back more motivated than ever to be done with masturbation.The thing about motivation and willpower are that they are unreliable partners. I’ve talked about willpower being a trap and how it is the wrong tool in episode 38.  Let’s talk about motivation.  Motivation is fleeting, it comes, it goes. It usually only sticks around for a little while until some other emotion takes over our current moment. Anyone who has dieted knows this.  We are forever fighting the battle of the bulge in this country and part of the reason is, we use motivation to start strong and then, when that motivation is all used up, because emotions all fade eventually, we haven’t built the habits that we need to behave the way we think we wanted to when we were motivated toward the end result. As I have been reading the book, tiny habits by bj fogg I have noticed that is what I was doing as a young man working to eliminate a behavior that had been keeping me from being my best self.  This problem didn’t go away as I got older because, as BJ puts it, my behavior “was a design issue, not a character flaw.”What I needed to do, and what I eventually did, long before I read BJ’s book was create a series of habits that crowded out my pornography and masturbation habits.  I undermined what they were giving me by creating habits that gave me more.  And, just like the examples that BJ uses in his book, when I lapsed back into old habits, I didn’t look at it as a failure that impugned my character and made me irredeemable and broken. I saw it as a moment to learn how my designed behaviors had worked and how they could be improved. I’ve always felt like a tinkerer.  My wife is often amazed at the things I do when it comes to building and creating and fixing the things in our home.  I love to use tools and build and create, design and refine. When I stepped back from 12 steps and councilors about 8 years ago, that was the same attitude that I brought to my pornography habit.  So, I want to give you two, tiny habits that I have identified from those years that helped me create new habits that helped me so I could see pornography as a problem I had outgrown and no longer needed to help me feel better. If you are someone who needs help with a pornography habit and wants to work with me on it, go to my website, zachspafford.com/workwithme and set up a consult with me.  I can tell you how you can get the one on one help that you want to