Moving Beyond Shame Around Our Identity

Shame is rarely spoken about openly, yet it quietly shapes how many people see themselves and relate to others. It can affect how safe we feel, whether we believe we belong and how harshly we judge ourselves. For many people, shame grows from repeated experiences of feeling different, criticised or not quite fitting in.In this episode, Dr Lee David speaks with Simon Lyne – CBT therapist with specialist experience in shame, identity, sexuality and trauma – about how shame develops, why it can feel overwhelming and how it becomes closely tied to our sense of self.They explore shame as a deeply human response linked to our need for connection and acceptance, often shaped early in life through family relationships, school experiences and social messages. Simon describes how shame differs from guilt and how it can drive patterns such as perfectionism, people-pleasing, withdrawal or anger as ways of coping.The conversation also looks at the cumulative impact of repeated comments, assumptions and experiences of exclusion, particularly for LGBTQIA+ individuals and others from marginalised groups, and why this makes shame harder to shift through individual effort alone.Alongside this, Lee and Simon discuss how compassion – from others and towards ourselves – can help dismantle shame, supporting values-led choices, connection and resilience.This is a grounded conversation about naming shame gently, finding safe relationships and creating room for self-acceptance in everyday life.Key moments00:00 Shame, identity and belonging03:08 What shame is and why it runs so deep06:14 Shame and the sense of being fundamentally wrong09:50 How shame shapes behaviour in adult life11:23 Why shame thrives in secrecy14:09 The impact of repeated exclusion and micro-messages15:31 Compassion as a way of softening shame18:39 Choice Pause – a moment of self-kindness28:57 Guilt versus shame and self-blame37:46 Choice Space Takeaway – small steps towards kindness and connectionAbout the guestSimon Lyne is an accredited CBT therapist, psychosexual psychotherapist, and published author practising within the NHS and private practice. His specialised areas include shame, sexuality, working with queer communities, and relational trauma. He combines CBT with EMDR and compassion-based approaches, offering nuanced, client-centred support.https://simon-lyne.squarespace.com/About the hostDr Lee David is a GP, CBT therapist and author specialising in mental health and wellbeing. Lee has written many books on CBT, mindfulness and teen wellbeing, and speaks regularly at conferences and in the media. Away from work she enjoys running, hiking, singing in a choir and spending time outdoors with her family. You can find Lee through her website and on Instagram, TikTok (@dr.lee.david), Facebook and LinkedIn.  You can find more about her books, wellbeing courses and therapy here:  https://linktr.ee/dr.lee.david