muffins, missing the ED, and finding hope — reading my ED diaries part two | recovered-ish with chloe cox

Back by popular demand — we're back in the journals.In this episode I'm reading more entries from my eating disorder treatment diaries. These are unfiltered, verbatim entries from residential, PHP, and IOP — the rawest, most honest documentation of what recovery actually looked like from the inside.This one goes to some dark places. There are entries about missing the disorder, about feeling like recovery wasn't worth it, about a muffin that sent me into a complete spiral. But there are also entries about light bulbs going off, about laughing again, about finding hope in the smallest moments. And it ends with the Eater's Agreement — a manifesto I wrote at the end of treatment that still holds up more than ten years later.If the first journal episode resonated with you, this one goes even deeper.In This Episode:Why I started doing these journal episodes — and why the response to part one floored meWhat residential treatment actually looked like for me — and why I want to acknowledge the privilege of having access to that level of careThe emotional shutdown I experienced at the start of treatment — and when it finally broke openThe life map entry — sharing my story in group for the first time and finally cryingThe identity crisis underneath the eating disorder — not knowing who I was or what I actually likedThe Valentine's Day entry — one of my darkest moments in treatmentThe muffin entry — a spiral that started with a snack and ended with "I am not shit, I am the shit"Sneaking exercise in treatment — and being honest about the moments recovery wasn't perfectThe PHP entry — when things finally started to shift and I started feeling happy againQuotes from This Episode:"It is comforting to have a physical manifestation of the source of my unhappiness. If that's taken from me, my failure and unhappiness becomes my fault.""I don't want this to be my story forever. I need to find my light and choose it.""A muffin should not have the power to make me feel worthless. I am powerful. I am more than this idiotic monster in my head. I am not shit. I am the shit.""There was so much pressure to make the right choice that it makes a lot of sense why I wanted to simplify my life and just think about food and just think about my body."Resources + Connect with Me:Instagram: @recoverwithchloeRecovery Skills Training: https://recoverwithchloe.thrivecart.com/recovery-skills-training/The Quasi-Recovery Exit: https://recover-with-chloe.moxieapp.com/public/quasi-recovery-exit-applicationLeave a 5-star review on Spotify or Apple PodcastsSubscribe on YouTubeKeywords/Tags: eating disorder recovery journals, ED treatment diary, eating disorder treatment, residential treatment eating disorder, ED recovery real talk, recovered-ish podcast, chloe cox, eating disorder therapist, ED recovery podcast, eating disorder journals, what recovery really looks like, quasi-recovery, eating disorder treatment experience, ED diary, recovery motivationResources + Connect with Me:Instagram: @recoverwithchloeRecovery Skills Training: use code PODCAST for $57 off!Leave a 5-star review on Spotify or Apple PodcastsSubscribe on YouTube!