Music Competition + Internalized Supremacy

/ To watch this substack via video recording - scroll to the bottom! /Look at me there! I was probably around 16 in the early 2000’s right at the start of an iconic era both personally and contextually. It’s such an interesting experience looking at photos of my high school days, because I spend so much more time with my inner child who is under 10 yrs old. When I look at this photo, I remember how self conscious I was and how my music practice was my whole life (besides for church.) I lived and breathed the satisfaction that came from performing and killing it. The ability to look fear in the eye and spit in its face was a high like no other.LIBERATORY IMAGINATION is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.I started piano when I was 5 yrs old. (Sweet little baby! That’s me at my childhood home piano where I’ve spent thousands of hours practicing.) By the time I was 10, I decided that it was my thing. It felt like something I could channel my emotion into and something I could practice autonomy with. In a household where I felt trapped in many ways, reading and music were two escapes that were fundamental to my existence. Looking back, I think it saved my life.Once I hit high school, I was accepted into the tutorage under a very respected piano teacher, Mrs. Loo. I haven’t looked her up in decades, and I just found a CBS news feature on her from this April! Her piano studio was small - she only invested in around 6-8 students at a time, and she put everything into them. I was over at her house multiple times a week and most weekends. One of my favorite memories was eating ramen in her kitchen with the other young people in her studio.Especially leading up to competitions, she would host recitals for family and friends at her beautiful house in the Oakland hills every weekend. How it worked is that every student had to put in money into the pot (I think it was around $10) and at the end she would rank every student from #1-#8. You got the most money if you were near the top, and you lost money if you were near the bottom. Also, every “semester” every student would learn the same piece so we could be fairly ranked as well as learn from each other’s interpretations.ALSO every lesson would be a betting game.(I made up an example of how Mrs. Loo would write out the lesson notes.)For my individual lessons, next to each task, I would either win or lose x amount of money dependent if I nailed it or not. Then at the end of the lesson she would add up the +/- to see if I’m in the positives or negatives. EVERY LESSON. Walking away from a lesson with a negative was so demoralizing. So I made sure I worked my ass off to get in the positives, and I also wanted to place at least middle or high at the recital.There was not only competition between me and my studio mates, but also competition with myself. Damn…it all really really worked if the goal was to practice hard and perform at a high high high level.I remember the first time I won a gold medal for performing a Bach piece. Exhilarating. I remember hearing Mrs. Loo tell my parents that my performance was the best I’ve ever done. With all the extreme pressures and all the nerves, I came out on top. OMG I looooved that feeling! My self confidence grew immensely throughout my highschool years. I felt like I had everything in me to excel with anything I put my mind to. The tangible ways of seeing the fruit of my labor was so satisfying.There was this distinct moment, where it really clicked for me about how to attain perfection in a piano piece. You had to practice with intention. It’s not enough to play something over and over again - the mistakes cannot make its way into the repetition. The way to correct a mistake is to zoom in, and play it correctly so that the memory is embedded into my muscles. So technically, if I put in the time and correct practice technique, I will be able to perform anything beautifully and accurately by memory.(I’m going to save the story of why my mom pulled me out of that piano studio…for reallyyyy unfortunate and sad reasons.)I just turned 36, and I’ve been reflecting a lot about my behavior in the present day around competition and internalized supremacy.For August through October, I made tangible business goals for myself. In the few weeks leading up to August, I noticed myself pushing to get one of the biggest goals for the three months done before it starts. And then I did just that! I felt this burst of energy to come up on top…a very familiar energy. I felt competitive with myself.I rarely feel like that towards other people, because I know it doesn’t align with my values and what I believe. BUT with myself…it’s way harder to catch and also seems harmless. What’s wrong with self motivation and getting things done?What is supremacy?It is an increase of perceived value compared to its counterpart.It is the movement away from the thing itself and then deriving value from hierarchy.Supremacy is innately power over.Being conditioned as an Asian femme, I know this too well. Entering a room that is predominantly white with a few other folks of color…we (all the POC’s) felt the tension. White people want to see us to be desperate for their attention and approval. There can’t be TWO asian people in the mostly white friend group. Only one token asian person allowed!Model minority myth was like treading in mud growing up. The message was: be thankful, because if you behave - we won’t treat you like Black people. The anti-Black “pull yourself up by your bootstrap” indoctrination was and IS strong! White supremacy beckons and bets on the supremacy within Black and brown communities. Within our own communities and between the communities. So clever, because it’s effective.If my worth is derived from being better than other people, I’m in deeep trouble. At the exact same time, I can always find people I’m “better” than morally, materially, artistically, etc. AND I can also always find people that are better than me in every category! So then what? I should keep on trying to climb the supremacy ladder? Yes. Exactly. That’s what they (the colonizers) want.I reject having to place myself and my work on a “top 50” list in order to have its value validated.I reject displacing the energy to other sources in order to trust that I and my work are good.I reject that we have to live our lives at the expense of Congolese, Sudanese, Palestinian, displaced/poor/Black+Brown people’s lives.I reject the whole damn thing.And yet, I catch myself with internalized supremacy.I find myself catching it…why did I do that? Why do I have this compulsion of beating myself? And don’t even get me started with internalized supremacy in relationship to learning about emotional intelligence and trauma related things.I have nothing to prove! I have nothing to one up. It is a disgrace if I try to do that. (And I say that with much love.)I’m healing and reconditioning from the dopamine hit of “winning.” I am all for growth and expansion, but I know the difference. No one else can tell, but I know. That discerning is the integrity that grounds me and makes deep joy + fulfillment possible.I want fulfillment and satisfaction that supremacy can never give me.I hold young teenage Tiffany with so much tenderness. There is so much nuance to her journey! It was so FUN to really excel at music with other young people. She was so delighted to discover how capable she can be. Her creativity, musicality, and determination are such super powers.As an adult, my job is to mature those desires and skills to match what we truly value.What does Liberatory Imagination spark in me today?Freedom from capitalism that yells in our ear that our little pleasures have to be at the cost a millions of lives. F**k supremacy - all of it. So sick of billionaires forcing it down our throats. Liberatory Imagination sparks rage in me. Witnessing Palestine feels so hopeless even though my spirit knows there is always hope.Please join me in sharing the rebuild of Bahri Hospital in the capital of Sudan - initiated by SAPA. The forced starvation, the genocide, the lack of basic resources is unfathomable…we can’t wrap our minds around 25 million people. Donate + Share.How to support me (thank you in advance):Currently, I’m in between jobs and would appreciate any support you can afford.* Buy me a cup of coffee. Every bit counts! You can venmo me at @tiffanywongart with note “Happy Birthday from substack!”* Subscribe for free (all my posts will be available to the public), but set up a monthly or annual recurring payment with me directly on venmo - @tiffanywongart. Attach the note “Recurring substack subscription.”LIBERATORY IMAGINATION is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. 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