My Confession of Trying to Live Fully Expressed

The reason I called my substack Fully Expressed as it’s something I yearn to do, but it doesn’t come easily to me.I look like one of those people who lives a fully expressed life - I create oracle decks, I have written books, I can speak up when I get uncooked pasta at a restaurant.I am not afraid to be vulnerable and share personal stories in the right situation and I wear my heart on my sleeve.But…I feel like I have so much more I could be expressing. Something deeper. More intrinsically me.Two things can be true at once. That is something I have experienced deeply in my life. And in this context, I often express myself freely and powerfully, and yet, there are so many times I hold myself back.I sometimes have thoughts I want to share with someone I am talking with but I don’t say them. I hold them in. Lately, I have been leaning into my own commitment to myself to just say it. (Thus far, nothing bad has happened to me from speaking up, so that’s encouraging.)I studied with William Whiteclourd for a number of years and in our sessions we would often have to do “readings” in small groups. This petrified me. I felt sick and scared. I would try and avoid these where possible.When I did do them, afraid but present, I had beautiful insights and reflections to share. I would intuit things that were really random and seemed strange to say out loud that landed so perfectly with the other person. Oddly, my fear didn’t abate even with the feedback confirming my insights.I sometimes wonder if my struggles with my health are partly due to me holding back and not truly expressing myself and my purpose.I have felt unwell for much of my life. I have migraines as well as thyroid, weight, and insulin issues. My health is one of the main drivers for having studied so many different healing modalities.I wonder if all the energy I have trapped in my body from not fully expressing myself is contributing to my health. This Fully Expressed substack publication is my safe place to express myself. I will see how my energy and health shift by showing up differently and more fully.I wonder if you can relate and find yourself holding back and how that might be impacting you?Do you have the yearning inside you too, to be more intrinsically you without apology or justification?I would love to know.LoveAyesha Get full access to Fully Expressed with Ayesha Hilton at fullyexpressedwithayesha.substack.com/subscribe