How to Rewrite the Story You Tell Yourself (Deanna Moffitt)

Deanna Moffitt's father tucks her arm through his and asks, "You ready for this?" and she says yes out loud, though she's already living the kind of story she'd spend the next decade learning to rewrite. In her head, she's thinking something else entirely: "Divorce won't be that hard to get." That's Deanna, five years before she'd actually get that divorce, and it's exactly the kind of story she now helps other people rewrite for a living. As an adoptee raised in a chaotic home with an abusive sibling, Deanna grew up with two core stories running the show: "I am alone" and "I am a burden." Those stories made her fiercely self-sufficient, landed her in leadership roles she used as a shield, and, at 36, sent her out of a senior project manager job and into 11 years of improv comedy in Chicago. Deanna is a coach, speaker, and author of "The Rewrite: Change Your Life One Story at a Time," and in this conversation she walks me through how the stories we tell about ourselves get written in childhood, whether or not there's a dramatic trauma behind them, and why we keep acting them out long after we've rationally outgrown them. We talk about setting boundaries with yourself before you can ever set them with anyone else, and why she says real change moves more like a loaded 787 Dreamliner than a helicopter: it takes runway. If you've ever caught yourself repeating a pattern you swore you'd broken, or wondered why knowing better hasn't changed your behavior, this episode is for you. Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PVLpDJrlzFA In this episode What a "core wound story" is (like "I am alone" or "I am a burden") and how it forms in childhood, with or without a single dramatic event behind it Why setting boundaries with yourself has to come before you can set them with anyone else The 787 Dreamliner analogy for why real change takes longer than a helicopter takeoff How 11 years of improv comedy taught Deanna that all of us are already improvising, all the time Why she stayed in a relationship for 14 years without getting married, and what finally changed How to tell the difference between one person's story about you and the truth Timestamps (00:01) Welcome and guest intro: meet Deanna Moffitt, author of "The Rewrite" (02:40) The two core wound stories Deanna grew up with: "I am alone" and "I am a burden" (04:07) How Deanna's first weeks as an adopted infant shaped a story she didn't know she was carrying (08:34) Why leadership can be a way of staying detached, and how to "collect new data" to prove a new story (12:22) Discovering "The Power of Positive Thinking" at 12, and surviving abuse from her brother (17:34) The wedding day: saying "yes" out loud, and "divorce won't be that hard" in her head (19:51) Fourteen years in a relationship without getting married, and what finally changed (22:55) Finding improv comedy in her 30s, and why every conversation you have is already improvised (28:42) The 787 Dreamliner analogy: why rewriting your story takes longer than flipping a switch (36:24) Where to find Deanna Moffitt and book a free coaching call About Deanna Moffitt Deanna Moffitt is a coach, speaker, and author of "The Rewrite: Change Your Life One Story at a Time." She left a senior project manager role in corporate America at age 36 to perform improv comedy in Chicago for 11 years, then moved to Los Angeles to dive into coaching and leadership development. Learn more, read her book, or book a free 30-minute conversation at DeannaMoffitt.com. Favorite quotes "We are 787 Dreamliners with a full belly of luggage and a full passenger list. We're gonna take three miles to get off the ground." —Deanna Moffitt "None of us have scripts in this life." —Deanna Moffitt "The first time we practice it is like, oh my God, are you still gonna like me?" —Deanna Moffitt, on speaking your truth for the first time Resources mentioned "The Rewrite: Change Your Life One Story at a Time": Deanna's book on identifying and rewriting your core wound stories "The Power of Positive Thinking": the book a 12-year-old Deanna read that first showed her she could be aware of her own thoughts DeannaMoffitt.com: Deanna's website, with a free 30-minute coaching call Related episodes Journey from Trauma to Value: Interview with Danielle Bernock: another guest on rewriting the narrative trauma leaves behind "Sigh, See, Start": The ShouldStorm Antidote: more tools for catching and rewriting the negative stories running in your head Getting Pulled Into the Past: Our Shame Response and the Impact of Unprocessed Trauma: the deeper mechanics of how childhood stories keep running the show Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here. Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz