Night Three

The message on the first night of this journey“Where there is Love, Nothing Else Matters”Let me know and experience a possibility I’d only ever fantasized aboutFollowing it with“It does not have to be what you expect in order to be meaningful”Let that possibility take on infinite expressionsAs I sit here 18 years later, I realizeI probably should’ve gotten a tattoo.It’s a lesson I invoke and forget with great frequencyWhen I invoke it, I can be curious and openWhen I forget it, pain becomes sufferingI am sitting in the middle of it right nowThe overwhelm of packing to moveAs my son blithely moves into his first apartmentStill scoffing at the idea of needing things like dish soapAs the costs of moving drain our already leaky potAnd we’re moving to a place that will be 116 degrees when we arriveBut still somehow i have all these pictures of how things should roll to let me know I’m okEven though I SWORE OFF THOSE PICTURES YEARS AGOThey keep showing up, taunting meTelling me that’s when I’ll know god is with meOh, friend, thanks to that day and this writing and this remembranceI can assure you, god is with meAs I can assure you god is with youBecause when you’re in the ocean, the water isn’t lackingAnd for all of the stress and uncertaintyActs of kindness continue unabatedBig and small, grand gestures and sly winksThere is so much love in this worldEven when it seems to be falling apartThese circumstances? They’re fleetingIt’s lifeAnd we’re in itAnd that’s enoughWhatever it looks like.Thank you, Night two.Now, let me tell you about Night ThreeI had fewer expectationsAnd after a completely unremarkable meditation sessionCame the words“If you don’t like something, it is a call to learn more”This one I actively resisted.But as i reflect today, this one has been the slow burnThis was a decade before I began studying with Thomas HüblWho consistently invites us to be warm, accepting, and curious about our triggersAnd throughout my life, I’ve experienced that learning more does soothe the savage beast within meStupid things: I did not like The Simpsons because I thought the animation was uglyTurns out, I appreciate The Simpsons’ social commentaryAnd important things: I had anxiety in dominantly Asian environments in my youthThrough traveling, I learned about differences in norms around personal spaceThat shifted how I received the unfamiliarAs I’ve built capacity to slow down and investigateInstead of rejectI’m expanding my ground instead of preserving itI still can’t say I can completely reveal the beauty of night three’s invitationI can get caught in many slippery slopesBut it turns out I’ve been living this lesson and it’s been revealing its wisdom to meEtched into my daysNo tattoo needed. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com