Nine Tips to an Awesome Date Night: Here's a Peek Through the Bedroom Keyhole!

Ever wonder what happens in someone else’s bedroom? We all do, right?Consider this your “digital keyhole” into the bedroom of one of my coaching couples, Thomas and Kelly, and how they applied some of the coaching tips they received from me over the last few weeks. Then I’ll break down all nine coaching tips they used on their date night so you can learn from them as well. Thomas and Kelly came to me feeling disconnected, largely because they had been letting their sex life slide. The ripple effect of not prioritizing their intimacy created emotional distance and some lurking resentments on both parts. Taking my advice, they planned ahead on when and where they were going to have some intimate time. They decided on a midweek evening, after the kids were settled down and the house was quiet. Thomas told Kelly there were some rules to their engagement that evening. They were to both dress up for each other. Thomas told Kelly to put on something sexy and see-through so he could appreciate her body and said he would dress however she wished.Thomas asked that once they crossed the threshold of their bedroom that evening, no casual conversation occur about work, news, kids, money, or other day-to-day matters. Their conversation was to be about their relationship, their shared plans, their sexual turn-ons, or present-time feelings, or in other words, subjects that create connection rather than the mundane parts of their partnership.Thomas brought his computer into the bedroom so they could look at some sex toys; each of them could purchase something they’d like to introduce into their sexual play together. Thomas took the initiative to dim the lights, put on some music, and prepare a favorite drink for Kelly. There were no expectations other than conversation and sharing some intimate time.They could become sexual or not depending on their moods. When things ended up progressing over to the bed. He suggested some explorations with spanking and sensation play, which they’d never tried before but were both curious about. Interestingly, Thomas’ intermittent issues with ED disappeared that evening.The next day we all got on the phone to talk about their experience, and I praised them for all the small changes they made to make their time together not just good, but awesome! Let’s look at the nine reasons why Thomas and Kelly had a great date night:1. Thomas and Kelly both agreed to schedule a day when they could share some intimate time together. Planning sex sets you up for a good experience. They were both prepared, showered, and shaved. And they had a few days to anticipate their upcoming date.2. Thomas had a sense of how he wanted their time together to go, so he and Kelly both agreed that he’d plan that evening. With Thomas taking charge, Kelly could relax and follow his lead. This created the kind of sexual polarity that helped fuel their attraction and desire.3. Thomas gave Kelly a clear and simple request to wear something specific that he liked, which gave Kelly a tangible action to perform. She also appreciated knowing that Thomas wanted to see her body in something sexy. His request helped her feel attractive and desired.4. Thomas stated his boundaries by requesting that their conversation be restricted to subjects that fostered intimacy. All other subjects of conversation were left outside of the bedroom for that night.5. Thomas brought his computer into the bedroom for the sole purpose of looking at some online sex toy stores. This was a fun shopping experience that helped them both connect to and share their desires. He also gifted Kelly with any toy or accessory she wanted to purchase. 6. Being the one who chose to lead, Thomas took responsibility for creating a sensual space before Kelly arrived. He changed the nightstand light bulb to a red one, he found some music he knew she’d like, and had their drinks ready when she entered the bedroom. These gestures helped her feel cared for.7. He also led her over to the couch rather than the bed so they could spend some time talking and sharing. Thomas didn’t have any issues with ED that night, which he’d been experiencing since he’d entered his fifties. He realized that taking the time to share and connect before sex was exactly what his body needed to become aroused.8. They both agreed there was no expectation about whether sex would happen or not, so neither of them felt pressured to please or perform if the desire wasn’t there. They wanted their actions to follow their desires in the moment rather than have expectations or assumptions that sex would happen. As it turned out, they did both get turned on, by taking their time and connecting first. 9. As things started to escalate Thomas suggested they try something new. He asked Kelly if she’d be interested in some sensation play and spanking. Something he knew she was curious about based on previous conversations earlier that weekThis introduced some novelty into their sexual play and allowed them to see new sides of each other that were more playful and experimental. It also underscored the sexual polarity they were already feeling through Thomas’ directive leadership, and Kelly’s state of surrender and willingness to be led. (They agreed that the next date night, Kelly would lead, giving Thomas a chance to relax and receive. The next day the three of us met on Zoom to talk about how well the date night went and why. We talked about what worked and why it worked for them. They shared each other’s favorite moments and what they might want more of next time. They also enjoyed reliving and sharing their evening with me. Talking about sex can be fun, liberating and confidence building. I congratulated them for the choices they made to create a date night that was a great success on all nine counts.When I watch a couple move from disconnection and frustration to becoming reengaged and turned on, I see how everything they sought was already within them. They just needed to expand outside of their routines, get refreshed in viewing each other as lovers again, finding their way back to presence, passion and pleasure.The Turned-On Couple Community is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe