Patriarchs Promise the World, But All They Truly Offer Is Control

Thanks for the TIPS, they mean everything!We had just returned home from orientation. My daughters bubbled with excitement over all their classes. As my foot hit the step leading up to the door, I was hit by a revelation. It was something I’d been on the verge of understanding for quite some time.Then it finally happened.Reason rears up to slap you in the face. You recognize you have to relinquish your worry and give yourself a little grace. You have to start talking sense when you feel that you come up short when compared to something that might not even exist.There, on the step I recognized that the seed of power had taken root in my children. The choice had been made and implemented. I’m confident no malicious forces have the resources to extract their bold and audacious spirits.Go forth my brave and beautiful children!A few years ago, my father sent a letter with some nonsense about setting up a college fund. He's never met my kids. He never even sent me a card when they were born.I crumpled up the letter and threw it in the garbage bin.A lot of people hear that and they gasp. “Isn't that reckless? Shouldn't you at least hear him out? I mean, it sounds like the answer to all your problems.”Of course it is. Everything is always so simple now isn’t it?“You don't know him the way I do,” I mutter.But the irritating part is that they're still skeptical. Though they’re in my presence, they glance at me askew. They're absolutely certain that they're right and I'm wrong. They don't even stop to question if there really is any money. They just believe in the promise. The miracle. The lie.“I'll handle this for you and you don't have to worry.”The control.These little men who think they're big come rolling in with their belt buckles and cowboy boots. “Don't you worry your pretty little head, I'll take care of everything.”Then they're resentful you aren't grateful enough for all they did.Have we all had enough experience with the lie of this arrangement yet?I'm always anxious about my girls. I want them to have a good future. I want them to be treated with dignity and respect. I know that I won't always be there to protect. Even now, when I'm privileged to have them under my roof, my influence is indirect.Our orbits don’t always intersect.I worry. Parents worry. I try to funnel that anxiety into good advice. It's not enough to say, “Make good choices.” You need hours and hours of conversations and details and examples about what is right.“Take all the AP classes. Take all the classes that offer college credits. It doesn't matter if it's not something that interests you. Just fill your transcripts to the bursting point. That will reduce the cost of college. That will keep you from having to shoulder the crippling burden of debt.”Debt is control.Retreat from the specter of control, even if it’s disguised with beautiful promises.Don't take the money. The money seems easy, but it's not. Easy money just means more work at the back end after you’ve relinquished your autonomy. The patriarch who presents himself as your savior wants to put you in a vice and transform your labor into his luxury.Growing up, my dad gave me the opposite advice I now give my kids.“There's this opportunity for a scholarship.”“No, that’s a waste of time. You know they’ll give it to somebody else instead.”“There's this advanced class I can take.”“No, that class is a cheat. My advice is all you need.”He made it clear that every good thing had to come from him and him alone. Anything that didn’t come through him was corrupt by definition. He was the only source of benefit. I wasn't allowed to seek out prosperity on my own.“You need to respect me because without me you have nothing and you can never get anything.”Patriarchs believe this deceit to the core of their being. They never stop to acknowledge that the only reason they have such power is because they've constructed an unjust system. They browbeat everyone with their grifts, and try to cover it up with the occasional gift.“I'll help your kids go to college.”“No, you'll only help them to fail like you tried to do with me.”My girls rushed past me into the house. They were excited about forensics and AP seminar and advanced algebra. My eldest is on a path to take college Spanish in her junior year. They have a way forward that doesn't require any saviors.I realized I have to relax a little. I've been driven by fear.It's been a source of anxiety to know I wouldn't be able to give my children the world. My dad promised the world to me, but he never delivered. Still he promised with such sincerity that I've long felt I'm lacking in comparison to that standard.That path wasn’t available. So, instead of flights of fantasy, we labored.“I can't give this to you. You have to get it yourself, but I'll do everything I can to help. I'm not a patriarch. I don't have all the answers. We'll have to find them together, as equals who care.”“Okay daddy.”It's challenging to reject the reality you were presented with in your childhood years. I grew up in the era of masculinity.I've had a thousand conversations with my daughters that I never had with my dad. I've done everything I could think of to ensure they could obtain the benefits beyond the reach of my hand.Only yesterday, when my foot touched the step to my house, did I realize that this is the better path. Part of me always saw this approach as a detriment, but now I realize it’s an advantage.Don't try to resolve all your children's problems.Instead, teach them how to find solutions.Empower them to visit all the places you were too afraid or unprepared to explore.If you want to protect your children, don't make them beholden to you. Instead, teach them how to cultivate their power.Give your children the strength to leave you. It's the only way you have a hope that they might stay. My girls haven’t inherited the world yet, but they’re well on their way.I have to give myself permission to transition from a state of parental worry to one of adult pride and admiration.But fortunately, I don’t have to go the whole way today.You all make this newsletter happen! Thanks for your sponsorship! 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