Prophecies’ Rear View

As we approached the winter of 1999And the potential unraveling predicted due to the Y2K bugMost of the programmers I worked with had survival kits & bunkersI lived on a lake and had a wood burning stove, so I wasn’t worriedBut the speculation on technological collapse and societal upheaval continuedRight up until it didn’t.Similarly, as December 2012 approachedMany of us were curious what the end of the Mayan calendar might mean for humanityTurned out, not a lot.But the cultural energy was riledAnd all of the hubbub turned out to be unnecessary1999 and 2012 each held the potential for massive societal change that didn’t materializeBut, as it turns out, they both offered massive personal change in my own life1999 was the year I met my husband, and my life was completely different from then on2012, December 21 specifically, is when we pulled our kids out of school and unintentionally began ‘unschooling’The end of a district-wide calendar having control over our family’s lifeChanged everythingSo once again, I had this very personal experience of what was supposed to be a broad cultural movementAnd this may be part of why I’ve become so comfortableWith my context of Inner ActivismAnd why, as I witness the atrocities in human rights going onI again have to turn to how I’m treating my most vulnerable parts and each person I meetCommitting to careFinding a place to volunteer in my communityAs a reciprocal action of inner touching outerBecause the mystery is in chargeI got so many rejection letters this week, there’s no way I can keep doing what I’ve been doingMaybe my breakdown’s breakthrough can’t help but emergeWhen I stop trying to enact the prophecy of ‘getting a job’ as I think it should lookMaybe there’s an entirely different interpretation that will make sense in retrospectAs Kierkegaard said,“Life can only be understood backwardsBut it must be lived forwards.”I’m curious what my forward looks likeWithout past referencingBecause those structures simply won’t have meAnd whatever fear I had about failingHas been well and truly experienced again and againSo, here, 90 days into this daily inquiryI have to askWhat might what’s next for me look like if not any of the things that I thought?And I breathe, and I feel, and I invoke my curiousityAs I grieve a startling number of failed effortsBecause I have no idea what to doBut, maybe that’s just where I need to be. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com