My rack kings and rack queens welcome to another episode of Jesse and Wilders guide to life I am Jesse and that's wilder doing a bad job of not gender no no look it I know you're gonna say that anyone can be a king or queen this what I'm saying you're living in 2000 Why given the second best why queen just go king's queen king is the tallest the tallest interesting because famously in chess queen is the best piece So what are you talking about? We can't use any of this intro so far? It's bad. No no we can use the thing about kings and queen because I was right And you were wrong so you must know I don't use the things when I'm wrong That's hey gang if you're handing me a tremendous amount of power I know it's by letting me cut these it's true It will take something very funny for me to put in something where I sound stupid and that's that that's it Isn't it gang is he already sounds so stupid so imagine what's on the cutting room floor but also imagine that whenever I do Sounds stupid.
It's because I have deemed it funny right yes, so he yes So he is willing to take the egg on a space for a chuckle and it's never even I got I got a lot stuck in my craw Right at the top let me start out number one the my bedroom didn't come with a light and it's too fucking dark in here And I have a shitty Edison bulb because I'm an asshole so there's a bar like orange glow. It's a horrible energy Number two I didn't want to do this episode Macrath has had it on his little Christmas list for okay So actually I think I could be wrong with this but credit where credit to do I think this was a J-roobs suggestion Oh shout out to J-roobs on your bad idea I have been I this one has been circled on my calendar forever Wilder has consistently refused to do it the topic is public restroom and I have so much to say about it I know wilder does too, but why were you so opposed to this topic okay because bruv I don't like to talk about PPM poo poo I Don't work blue. I don't know why there's a little baby about PPM poo poo let me pull back the girl okay Don't like to talk about let me talk let me pull back the curtain the wilder and I had this bit that was not a bit It was just too bros bro now for maybe three years where the listen to this hilarious bit We would just take selfies while we were pooping and send it to each other But the most hilarious part is you referred to that as only lasting three or three years It would not be surprising to either one of us to receive one yeah, well and also almost It's yeah, you can bet by the time you've heard this there's been at least four five fresh ones set down But yeah, that's fruit now prude waboos here and he doesn't like to talk about his tinkle pennies and his duties prove Prude boo boo. I hate it.
I hate it But but in all in all fairness. I don't want to spend much time talking about the act I mean we will when it's relevant, but we're talking about the rest rooms and you can't wait you little feces monster You can't wait all I can think about is dooders No, I it's for me I was already really interested in it and now that I'm back at work dang I've got to get back in this convo because the the public restrooms at work. That's a whole nother ball game, right? Okay, so I truly don't really know where we're going the categories here So why don't you hook me up with what I want to start?
I want to start at the end? Okay, I want to start it with some would consider maybe the the Cadillac and I want to talk about it and that is amenities Because I think public restrooms have amenities and I'd like to talk about when a restroom has a restroom attendant What do you think about that because I stink and hate it? I hate it. Oh, there is nothing in the world that is worse It makes me feel bad for being alive I would not consider myself a wealthy person But I feel like fucking Donald Trump's Cruz McDuck walking out of that bathroom having to shamefully tip a dollar Also, are we just doing restroom in general?
This is public restroom. That's the key because I have a restroom attendant in my home bathroom What do you mean? I hired a guy? No, you've lied you're not fiving on the podcast anymore Why don't I tell you about this?
Sorry? You did tell me we're not fiving anymore on the podcast This is no fibs. This is welcome to the no fib zone. Oh my god new merch alert Is a heater I will give you that oh my god, what's gonna suck is when this is the best episode no fib zone on a mug Bro, do you think they make like luxury merch that we could pop on there?
Oh, yeah like monochal. Oh, I would love it Would absolutely love it a monical I guess where are you putting branding on a monical across the side? Oh sick Restroom attendant is bad. What is this category of men?
Yeah? Okay? So I have a very quite lit amenity and I'm sticking on things done talking about restroom. Okay, it's I've only encountered it What maybe maybe half a dozen times tops like what you don't have like a favorite bar that unfortunately the one caveat is they got no Dude, what are you going to the bar like a bougie hotel?
No, just like sometimes you're like god damn What the fuck is this there are a couple bars? I can name that I used to go back to all the time and the thing is like fuck I better trade a god on off to Peter night even though I'm drinking a thousand beers Because I don't want to have to look at this man and decline his bubble gum or whatever The snap if you have to have a restroom attendant because it's always like bullshit. No, I don't fucking starboard right now But but breath mint breath mint is not bad. Yeah, like there you could do a restroom attendant correctly like I don't know double double Animal style grilled and raw onions and chop chilies that amazing move for a rest in and out cheeseburger is obviously very not quite lit I think that any food coming out or into the restroom is cannot exceed it too.
It doesn't matter what it is You can't convince me that eating food from the poop zone is better than it to but I do think a mint maybe on a date or something And you got it yeah, my stinker breath and you get pop a quick mint or a gum I want to just follow my cool fucking stream of consciousness do it I'm very very cool I'm right and I want to like imagine first date amenities that would be so tight in a restroom now number the first thing I'm thinking of I don't know why this popped into my head But like what if you don't know how to tie a tie and there's like a little printout here's how to do a sick fucking tie But you so you showed up to the are you saying you got to the date maybe early, but your tie is undone So let me tell you why this happened. I had an allergic reaction. I had to undo my tie You know scratch all the bee stings or whatever I got attacked by a hornet's nest and now all beans my sister or whatever tied my tie before I went out like a little thing and now Beans and rice. I don't know how to tie this tie.
Oh, what's that a little printout about the winds or not? I know you could use this on your phone. Okay. Oh, you put a peep in there Well, if you're gonna talk about an allergic reaction and you're running to the bathroom I mean pretty clutch on it the attendant was there just you think you think the bars I was going to Were too bougie for having bathroom attendance and epipent aren't those things like a bajillion dollars?
No, and it's got a basket full of epipens for you to like grab and toss them into their waist bass You know they're gonna have a card in there indicating how to do it not like I thought we were just playing the You're like you didn't say what I actually wanted it to be which is that the mirror turns into some cool Tony Stark technology So stupid so stupid. Okay. I'll give you tie tie tying thing is not that cool to me. I'll give it a two It just it's nothing to me.
Would we say the environment of the bathroom is an amenity like no? No environment I think it's its own dig but I don't mean like outside of the bathroom Like what's it like in there? Right and here's what I want loud. Yeah.
Yeah, give me some fucking nine inch nails blaring in that bathroom You know what I'm saying? It's gotta be loud It can't I mean I need Trent Reznor's voice to drown out any sound that I could potentially make a current issue That I have is that my work bathroom does it's a doesn't have a fan it doesn't have a noise It doesn't have any noise and it's not there's not like a lot between me and the hallway and so it's just kind of an adventure I've considered going to quit. Yeah, I kind of want to for that reason only Okay, so it's got to be loud. I like that.
I want to jump back into amenities I have another amenity going because we're just talking kind of bougie you say actually no I'm gonna say this is I got a different category for you facilities, okay, and this is like the hardware you find in there All right, this is gonna go into a minute. Okay, we're not gonna have that meta category So I'll allow it okay look at facilities here's because this is what I'm talking about facilities. I What do we I? Cloth I knew you're gonna say this I was thinking about it too.
I just okay does it not feel a little fucking wasteful I don't know the opposite of wasteful. No, you're not okay. No, it's not the word. I'm looking for but like someone's got to wash that I Know it's true, but I think about this.
You know, you're probably washing it the bathroom attended Yeah, he has many jobs You're making me feel like garbage when I see a bathroom attendant and I don't have I know one tip covers How much all the candy combined cost I was a bunch of fucking Halloween candy. It's like fucking smarties and goddamn to itsy rolls I don't like that shit right now. It's not even Halloween candy. It's like rejects Oh, bro, you know me so much faster if you were told me that you want to talk about bathroom attention I got so much to say okay, but are you so you're using clock napkin too because I just think a cloth towel is is a Three I don't know something uncomfortable about it.
I'll give you a one though. You're you work at a high school. Mm-hmm Do you have those brown ones, bro? Yeah, dude, that's what we're living.
Oh my god The brown ones are from another galaxy. They smell like I don't know why that's not your hands. If you can tell us the science and what are you what what what mechanism do you receive the Brown ones from do you have a hand crank? It's one of those little thin IKEA wrench hand cranks No, no, it's not the crank the crank is bad.
We have the little like turntable disc that you gotta oh my god You don't even have the push one no dude no Bro look I know that like I know schools need funding I get it I get it But you must have a solution to the brown ones I'm not talking shit about the dispenser even though I would like to the brown ones have to go Have you ever smelled a brown one there's they they're so it's like they're designed to be jammed into high school sinks to flood the sinks That's their problem. Yeah, Jesus. I bet if you got one of those wet and you hurled it through the wall of the bathroom It would go straight through like a bullet. It's like yeah Immediately become Understand how much cheaper are they then?
I don't think I say I'm really fucking pissed how good this is How much cheaper are they that every school in the universe was like we're only doing these ones we have to have these stinky little brownies Yeah, it's like the material bro. I've had the white ones that are the same material and they don't smell like balls What's well that it's got it the brown one I Think it's recycled like I think that's what I said what do I say buck recycling And then you like if you ever have to splash your face and wipe your face with it you could smell them Oh my god, I'd sooner leave the bathroom retirement home those things smell I also I think any and all air dryers are one do we agree with that? Mmm. I do not I can't I can't bro.
They're like solving such a big problem. They can't be a one. Oh fine Dyson I will tell you every time I see it the first thing I think about is miles dyson from Terminator 2 I those ones are particularly bad cuz those are the ones you stick your Yeah, and you move them up and down and they have a diagram about how you're supposed to move them up and down It doesn't it's worthless like I'll tell you like nine times out of ten I end up wiping my fucking hands on my pants like a baby. I want you to answer me a question You're be honest here.
You're alone. No one can see How many paper towels you've taken? Well, it depends on the paper towel cuz if it's those brown ones, I mean a standard right right I'm taking I'm taking two or three I would say no way I'm taking less than two. Yeah.
Yeah. Oh, yeah. No. I'm not doing one.
That's god damn sure I'll take one I'll tell you one that's like I guess it's very quite late And it doesn't sound very quite like but the alternative is so bad Automatic water like where you just put your hand under huh cuz I'll tell you I'll tell you what stinks because again I'm talking about schools and a lot of public restrooms where you just like bang this thing down and it runs the water for fucking The button bro the push and it lasts for what would you say a blink of an eye I do think that they last for no more than two and a half seconds and like I get the push button I get that stupid little fucking high schoolers are not to be trusted. Of course. They're gonna leave the handle And by the way gang leaving the hand etiquette put etiquette in the fucking category. Okay, I want to kill you I want to tell you I an adult working a building with adults It's kind of a weird office building meets the stark work mall from Stranger Things sort of plays But I cannot tell you how often once a week I find the handle the water on when I go to the bathroom fucking It's like it's like a shared office like it's not in our office You have to walk down the hall or whatever.
I want to fucking kill somebody. Yeah, it's not doing a bunch of adults Okay, and that's ridiculous in etiquette. I have a couple more things number one while we do want the environment to be loud the etiquette is silence I Do not want to job our job with you, bro. We please do not speak to me also Just so it just hit me we're gonna come out this with a very very male restroom perspective on this one Yeah, for the most part, but I mean I don't know what happens in there.
I yeah, we don't know I see in the office They got couches and magazines. Yeah, it's true and and oh No amenities. I'll tell you what a three I would assume for speaking of what you just said loss having oh well Okay, yes, I mean we're talking public restrooms blocks are key. Yes.
Good point. No, I was gonna say feminine product dispenser But for free obviously I don't want to yeah for sure for sure you ever go to a nice restaurant And it's like a it's like your own little apartment in there bro in the stall you the door goes from ceiling to floor. Oh, baby It's like moving into a new fucking apartment nice restaurants. That feels like facilities.
I'm gonna say and yeah ceiling To floor door my my and loud yeah, that shit is always loud I'll tell you what I don't like as an amenity and this only happens in certain places obviously but like I don't like even if I'm using it I don't like when there's a shower situation. Do you know? I know but like when are you seeing this so because it seems like a very specific That's like a high school. No, I'm thinking of mine or something No, no, no one I'm thinking of gyms right and two I'm thinking of like I was recently at a hotel and the floor that the pool was on the bathrooms had showers and I just oh I'm so sorry did you get your money back or I Would have burned the hotel to the ground if I saw that I did not pay money to stay in a hotel to see some old-ass dude to Shower yeah, we're in a hotel your shower is three floors away bub no no that won't do Yeah, so amenity I think a shower is a one I don't like the vibe of it even if no one's in it I don't like to go in and be like oh people are like just like showering in here No, no, thank you along with three feminine product dispenser condoms dispenser I think is a one because I just think it but no no I think it has to be a two because I don't think anyone is getting convinced to fuck By sight of a condom dispenser so if you've gone into the bathroom to blink you might as well have the option Do you have you ever run into that's fair?
I'll give it to you have you ever run into a and I have not do do restroom attendance ever have condoms like a little bowl of Oh, bro. I don't know but that means that poor restroom and kind of watch oh you think you're fucking in the bathroom Yeah, why else they give oh you're talking about just like for later. I think it's like you you got lucky You got a great one. I bet I bet some like fucking clubs in Miami and probably all the major cities have a shit I wouldn't be surprised okay Yeah, cuz if you sometimes the mood strikes and oh I'm caught with my I'm caught without my my protection better pop in there The only thing that sucks is I would say nine times out of ten if there's condoms in the bathroom the bathroom is gnarly Cuz I think of that as like gas station bathrooms Like a lot of times have those nasty conda dispensers I want to talk you're in a little etiquette you're talking about mind the gap or what mind the fucking gap You need to know if you're going to be leaving space if you leave the double the double space between so Meaning that some motherfucks gonna have to get in there next to you, right?
I know where there's no words for it and look it's not a I want to just dispel any thoughts It's not sometimes the parking lot effect right where like you were there earlier and someone's left and now made you look like a douchebag You I can tell right okay. I can fuck a tell it's not a oh, I'm I'm it's not like a weird like homophobic thing Where it's like I don't want to be next to someone while I want to be looking at my it's really just like well I mean that's not homophobic. That's a fact. I don't want anyone looking at my anything when I'm doing anything sure sure sure you are But it's also just like it just is wild to me like I think that it's like somebody like being too close to you in line Like we're all doing the same thing just back up my god especially in these here times that we're living in oh I don't get fucked fuck off from me.
This is one that is obviously very male if we're just gonna stay on the Yarnall train real quick facilities obviously very not quite lit it's fucking the fucking horse trough Obviously very not quite lit and like a milder version of that is dividers. We need dividers. Very quite lit. Yes.
Yes And honestly, I almost wish there was a category for mandatory Like what's the opposite of this rubric aka like not negotiable you must have right well We could put it in bonus points. I suppose the hunt bonus points Do you ever you ever been to a bad like some gnarly dive bar bathrooms? They just straight up don't have like Doors I don't know about like doors on the stalls like we're talking about door on the bathroom itself I'm talking about like either of those things like I'm pretty sure that you cannot call yourself a real business If you have a door to the bathroom I think that milk bar and San Francisco and shout out to milk bar one way or another if I'm wrong or right I think that their men's bathroom does not have a I might have a front door But then there is like a urinal next to a full toy And the only thing in between them is like a urinal divider like a three foot by one foot. Yeah, oh, yeah That's a stall doors.
I see them gone all the time. There's no way the bathroom door. No, that's that definitely that hasn't that happened because didn't you Watch the the didn't you guard the bathroom when my mom peed in the kips no that was because she was using the boys bathroom Oh, okay. Got it.
Got it. Okay. So doors. I just feel like yeah doors are very quite lit Yeah, it's a amenity.
I suppose I want to talk about one really very not quite lit bathroom Okay, yeah Do you remember when you were in preschool and everyone just shit in the same room with no doors or what and you had to lock eyes I think you're a little fucking friend across the way just taking a dump or two But I do not know what you're talking about that is Experience that I had are you for real? Oh, bro. Wait, let me then I'm loved to put my own preschool on blast what the fuck are you guys doing? There was one big like big fucking communal bathroom you with no doors or anything?
No, because you're a little like literal baby You I mean I think that I if I recall I think our shit was like single occupancy and somebody went in with you So I mean that was no good, but no what you're turning me I just realized the worst job that there is preschool teacher What if you're like like you're trying to be a teacher and they're like oh, yeah, she's got a spot This may preschool kids so good. Yeah, ours are pretty standard, you know Oh, you might have to work, you know a couple weekends and obviously you'll have to be in there and watch all the kids take Shit Poop cop is redundant anyways, I think that what you're talking about is hell on earth It sounds like the dinner scene from mid summer Big time What do you even call that like little kid? I don't know what to preschool poop little kid poop haul Wait, this is gonna be pretty wild if everyone in the universe is like hey, dude. What are you talking about?
My old preschool shut down. Okay. I have a quick one. I have two quick ones.
I think environment I'll tell you what's very not quite lit wet. Hey, why are why are restaurants so often just like submerged? Do you know? Okay?
I would love to talk about a strange phenomenon that is occurring in my current office bathroom So the urinal there's only one two stalls one urinal never gonna set up I fully understand Yeah, I don't I always feel like air on the side of two urinals one stall, but right right that's just me now The top the metal pipe tubing plumbing part of the urinal is always soaking wet Yeah, it is too high. It is simply too high for someone's pee-pee to be on it. Mm-hmm. Yeah, it's condensation I've seen that lots of condensation, bro.
Yeah, how fucking cold is it in there? I don't know I think I'm gonna take a drink. Oh my god. It was like the dang Titanic waters in there How fucking cold yeah, I've seen that too, and I don't know what that's about interesting Yeah, yeah, yeah, but that's I'm talking about like you go into a bathroom Sometimes just the counters are all wet like somebody had a fucking water fight in there or like well Yeah, I mean famously maybe the worst public restroom in the history of time Don't quote me on that But like take a trip down to the Richmond in San Francisco to a lovely little bar We used to frequent called trader Sam's and take a step in that bathroom anytime post 8 30 p.m And you will find yourself in a deep sea adventure the shit is yeah, truly like maybe an inch of liquid I don't know what to go to the door you open it up and you do the David Allen Greer scream from Jiman Big old a big old gator floats by and you're on a tour about the David Allen Greer Jiman g-scream constantly you have to you have to it's that it's to me It's that and and the missus Delphi are when he pops up with the What are the merits and demerits of a single occupancy public restroom because sometimes it's so choice and sometimes it stinks I think it has to be fully dependent on location I think locations its own because because like for example in almost every scenario you for you once you're inside Nothing, it's the best right not always true, but yes often oftentimes.
Yes. Yes, but if you are at a Basketball game for example, uh-huh You'd never get in there. Yeah, and and and when you do so like you've been at bars I'm sure where you end up waiting 20 minutes to get into the single occupancy restroom because the two girls that went in 20 minutes ago We're just like finally finishing up there below when you get in there Do you not also take your fucking sweet time? I mean, I'm really eat it.
I'm like I know I can't anxiety is killing me I know that I'm being fucking timed. Yeah, it's true. They do set the timer as soon as I cannot it's like a fucking escape room clock in there I can see it ticking down. I mean and the worst part is you're gonna be peeing for nine million years because my waiting in line is Yeah, you're black you're cracking the freaking pores and tiny bladder waboo got a pee at least once per drink So the problem with me I like I said aforementioned I do do the bad the sinful bathroom visit being public everywhere it doesn't matter libraries bars bar mitzvahs everywhere and It's tough because you cannot blame the smell or the noises on anyone else you have to own it And I've come to a point in my life when I just can but let me tell you a very specific You've been talking about your work bathroom Very specific problem I have right now back in school and our schedules a little wonky lunches a little bit later in the day So everyone is kind of hitting the head at once and it's a single occupancy and it's it's it's I think that we should describe our Work bathrooms because those are our public restrooms like take me okay and and start with before you enter right?
Yeah, totally so I can see one of the benefits is knob my relax. I'll get there My room I have perfect eye shot to the bathrooms Which means I can see if it's locked or not so I don't have to make the trip and then get to the dorm Like fuck and then you know what was it got like an airplane like yeah, it does it does it has like a red occupied slide that comes over the dead But fuck no, that's great because that you know what that does no You know, I guess one of the restaurants I work at in fact, I'm gonna do I'm gonna do that as a Invirus, you know, I'll agree. I'll agree. It is nice to not have to push on it Yeah, it's both it's great for both of the fucking Molaines I want that here that you don't have one have to do that shit right?
It's great for both parties So the knob is like a I don't know it's not a it's not a knob It's like a handle more like real quick real quick about knobs very not quite lit the knobs that are not even knobs But are basically like locking a door from the inside but you still have to do it from the you know I'm talking about like a thin Little switch that you have to turn. Yeah, that's what that's exactly what my bathroom has. Oh, I hate that shit Yeah, and also I mean, I love it. I'm talking on the outside to open yes.
Yes How about I don't want to touch the bathroom knob make it a pushy. I don't why is this she's only push? She's only push. She's only push.
She's only push. She's only okay. Also unmerch push. She's only I guess But she's only on a fucking fanny pack, please You go in sink on the left the brown the brown ones the brown ones in their dispenser also on the left So you secure the door you got your sink on the left with a mirror mirrors in good shape You got the dispenser with the brown ones no good You got a toy it's just a toy D because it's we're all sharing this one And then right across from the toy D is a table like definitely taken from a classroom and put in there And a single desk like a student like a table like you would like you would I have one in my classroom I like put papers on for the kids to grab when they come in the room Oh, there's not really anything on I would love if there was like some like a like a For breeze or some shit, I guess I could bring my own but there's not anything really on it So it's just a place where you're keeping your keys you haven't taken the hint That's what they want you to use as your office.
Oh sure Yeah buckle up and get in there and then on the walls there are some little there is some art that is little kittens Like sort of dressed up and I do I am so gonna add as a bonus point little kitten art is pretty good to me What's it in the teacher's lounge? No, no, we have a teacher's lounge There's no bathroom in there. Well, you real quick for the kids at home Just like tell us what the teacher's loungers like cuz we all want to know it's fucking dog shit. It's nothing It's just a room next to the coffee room that kind of just like smells whatever like anyone cooking the microwave Anyways, my big issue with that was a boring description my bathroom But I'll tell you the biggest issue I have right now is that everyone goes at once and I have my morning routine My morning routine includes a no-no zone trip and I go on my no-no zone trip I know I have to make it quick.
You can't do that at home or what? I can sometimes do it at home at school. I don't know man I don't know what to tell you my body moves quick on things and I have for breakfast I have half a pot of coffee and a smoothie. I'm really doing it to myself I understand so I do it during our like morning break Which means that the hallways are filled with kids and I have like 11 minutes before the bell rings And I can hear everything happening in the hallway Which is I assume means they can hear everything happening in my zone and like it has happened on more than one occasion And mind you we've been in school for like not full two weeks.
It has happened where I can hear another teacher say yeah I'm waiting McGrath's in there. Oh I just want to die I just want to die physically and spiritually shocked that you haven't yet turn into a ghost nothing I know weird I put it but oh my god hearing someone name drop you outside of the bathroom door is for the worst reason Turns me into a skeleton. Please don't say my name I can't imagine anything worse that is the biggest fear right when you are in the stall and someone comes in and you go Ghostly silent waiting until they're gone, which is we talk about that for etiquette number one What if you come into a bathroom the stall is occupied you wanted the stall. What do you do?
Oh my god? It's I turn around and leave I leave that actually do you know what I really do like a You're in only try to make yourself. Yes, correct I do a little course I do that and it doesn't work and then I stand there silently and then I have to pretend like I P but they just couldn't hear it and you go wash your hands and then you leave the room and what's so stupid is like You're you're trying to wait. This is like fucking like cold war.
You're trying to wait them out And like what do you think they're doing waiting you out? There's no way I'm gonna step outside of this door This is a fucking standoff. So piss boy can see me see me in my little shame boopoo Oh, this boy the other thing that stinks about my bathroom last thing about my bathroom is it has the public restroom fucking toilet paper dispenser Where it's like that big honk and plastic thing and you have to like spin out a bunch of it And if you don't you're not being attention like hits the ground and so guys, please It's every public restroom on the face of the earth, but can you get some to apply? What are we up to please just get some to apply?
I just feel like cut the kids funding for their lunch or their education do not cut the toilet paper I know every single meeting nobody ever listens their health and mind is nothing to me. I have another Facilities that is absolutely bonkers. I don't know if you've ever experienced it, but I do need to talk about it go on Have you ever been on one of the toilets with the plastic wrap on the seat plastic wrap you talking about the squishy one I'm not talking about it is squishy, but it has retractable plastic lining. Are you oh, I honestly don't even use a black mirror I don't know what this is.
It sounds like it. It's not it's the oh hair airport in Chicago It and I've experienced that another airport. It seems to be exclusively. It's an airport exclusive You go in and there is some sort of module attached to how would I do this?
Let's see Plastic toilet. Oh, yeah plastic toilet seat covers like the third thing that comes up It says automatic toilet seat cover automatic toilet seat cover automatic toilet seat cover Yeah, so it is this fat unit. Oh my god. I'm just looking at a video of it I'm gonna send you this video, bro.
So you can see what it do Okay, this is a nightmare to be sure, but I like the idea of it. Where does it go? Dude, I click the video wrap around the toilet click the video of the at the bottom of the river guys. Oh, oh No, yeah, oh no full fucking nightmare code.
Oh, that is not what I thought was going to And this by the way this video taken at Chicago airport. It is so there is no for those of you at home that aren't watching the video That was describing which is all of you. It's got this like loosely. Oh, it's like an optical illusion at first It's like cling wrap almost that's been poorly lined over the toy and you do your business and then you get up and it Goggles it up.
It's only one of the time. It's made. It's like a snake eatin. It's own tail It's like a fucking cat dog It's like if I popped a piece of scatty out the right side of my mouth looped it around to the left side of my mouth and then sucked it in through the left side of my mouth and it just rotated yeah, and It's no good and I just I don't know if that plastic but I like the idea of it And I think that I could get past it Bro, I mean you're wrong.
It's bad and when you how do you think let me just tell you okay? It's gross conceptually. How about this? What do you think it feels like on your bumski cuz bad is the answer?
It doesn't feel good at all. Oh, why is it doing it while your bums down? Well, no, I'm just sitting on that yucky plastic doesn't feel good I mean it's not rotating while my bums down but oh the plastic I honestly I wasn't realizing it's plastic I was thinking of like the tissue thing. I'm also really quick from our guy Twitter account be like we're talking about this right now stay tuned Well live tweeting the episode incredible.
I want to talk about smell okay. Do it. That's environment I would say smells category smells. Oh you want its own category We can't put that environment on I mean we could I just like want to talk about the fact that I think there should be no Nothing should smell like nothing and there should be no smells you don't like a you don't like a papa no Okay, I wilder.
I'm a big fan There's not many name-brand products that I would throw myself in front of the tractor for but Febreze is one of them I love the smell Febreze a lot. However, look we've all tried to cover up our nasty smell with a thing And then what it smells like is Febreze and also my nasty smell. Yes. Okay.
I'll give you the one No, Pooperi. I think is actually one of the worst ones. It smells horrible. Do you want to talk tactics?
I hate that this is what's happening. Listen the best course of action here is when a when a bar or restaurant has a book It matches. I think that that is that is the absolute I feel just that never happens I feel like bars a lot of times it does this feels more New York to me than California. Well, no, I blasted one When we were in Austin when we stopped at that one that one like restaurant that had a yard and Was kind of a bar and it looked like a house.
Do you remember that that was a great we did talk about this topic though Because that was a great It was loud as fuck it was also directly across from like the bar of the rest Like wasn't there like a table or like a chef's counter like it was in it was like in the hallway We're all the action was and across from the kitchen so like not kitchen staff knew it was up Yeah, they were constantly just watching people go in and out and blast their no-nos into the fucking space and they just had to like live that last They're really oh no, okay, so no smell. I think matches is a great amenity. I think that's it. That's killer It's only it's only ever in single occupancy obviously you're never gonna go into a fucking of Like a four stall situation where each stall has matches But I appreciate that I want to I want to rapid fire some locations because I think we could we can nail out a bunch Just very quite let Starbucks I think very pretty good for Starbucks because a lot of times you need a code oh bro a code no no no no no I love it you love a fucking secure honestly the more security the better I want an armed guard outside the door Okay, that would be an amenity the fear of getting walked in on the bat in on the fear of getting walked in on in Am I saying that right no for sure not in on in the bathroom The fear of getting walked in on in Is paralyzing yeah, I can't imagine anything worse It's it is it's horrible one time I was at a house party in college I didn't get wept in on but the bathroom was directly across from and facing the kitchen No where everyone was at a college at a Berkeley college house.
I'm gonna give you a three even though it doesn't seem like a three I feel like libraries got good toys. I don't know if I should be proud or embarrassed about this But I don't know the last time I was in a library. Yeah, you're you're me, but why okay? So I'll give you the benefit of a library.
It's an oft-underused to your point exactly It is often like libraries are nice and they spend money on them and then interesting visit them Yeah, that's I guess you could just if you're walking past a library you could just roll in who's stopping you baby You're talking to an expert here. I do a lot of you do a lot of library Well, just bathrooming out and about you know just when I'm hitting the what I'm hitting the rooms around yeah You love to hit a bunch of mics. What do you where do we put airplane is it two or one? Why don't you convince me of any reason it shouldn't be a one because I think like everything on air What about that you could potentially die doing it?
Okay, fear of death you want to talk about a line you get up There's just like four people hovering around and then you have to walk by them with your stinky hands You want to talk about when the clock is ticking yeah, I mean you could die ever be in there and you hear the boom Yeah, and then you think you're gonna die you know I don't think I ever don't have sinful sinful act in the airplane bathroom. I mean obviously I have but yeah I think I've avoided it incredibly the worst I mean I do think very not quite let maybe the worst one is school as it as both a teacher and a student you don't want to do What there it's so because of your of an age where you are so absolutely petrified of everything Yeah, I mean I'm just like really trying to think of anything worse than the fear of getting walked in on But I don't think there is a bar is also a one right like we don't want to go to a bar no never I do it at Barnes and Noble I do a bookstores a lot. Yeah first podcast. Yeah, I think bookstores is it's who I don't know Why yeah, you love it.
I don't want to do it anywhere besides my house. I don't understand home is a very quite lit Oh, okay. I'll give you one. I'll give you one.
I'll never do it somewhere besides home Okay, I'll give you another bad one Maybe the worst maybe the worst one in terms of like a very specific type of bad and then I'll give you another good one bad Dude park restrooms honestly don't even have them get rid of them. No because They aren't a bomb and they're always the nastiest filthiest they always got them toys that oh my god the all metal toilets You know I'm not sure do yeah, yeah, the park that like a bed pan mounted to the floor. Oh all metal toilets. No, I got another Location for you And I don't know how to describe this but when you're at a place where there's many buildings, right?
So I'm kind of thinking specifically about college campus or I guess a different school setting And you go to a different floor or building to do your business. Oh, it's so fantastic I think that's a little sinful and I love it too. Yeah, my first my first job out of college that was exactly my move We were on the we were on like the whatever floor I went to the floor But uh-huh oh yes someone else's problem and I bet it calls drama up there right and Dave again Guess what idiot it wasn't even Dave. Yeah, we have a fuck of time.
Oh my god Okay, I have an etiquette thing that is so specific, but it's basically some insane shit Somebody told me that they have somebody at their workplace that brings their laptop into the toy D and does work what Or they'll be on work cause in the toy. Oh wait. You cannot etiquette leave your work It's a no work zone and speaking of that hey dad don't answer the fucking phone. Oh, I am guilty of that one I hate it.
I think this is etiquette and I know that this doesn't even affect me But I hate seeing dudes with flip-flops at the urine. Oh my god. I saw I saw I saw I saw I saw a flip-flop in the stall I mean honestly bruv flip up in the stalls, but was he sitting down? Yes I mean if that's better to me at least you're not getting tinkle-penny over your feet are right in the fucking splash zone Dude, I know if you're sitting I can't that's a little bit better to me I your flip-flops in a public restroom.
You're begging to get some sort of infection and it affects me It affects me because I have to look at you and all I can't think about now I can't you're piss toes, please guys be respectful and put on some fucking combat boots I'm gonna fucking throw up looking at your nasty toes. I saw it. I really I this morning I honestly almost texted you about it Unbearable and like I get that sometimes you're at a place where that's appropriate. I'm sorry.
That's it just doesn't bring up here It's what you choose. I don't know what to tell here's what here's the takeaway Fam, we're not at home. We all wish we were home, but guess what baby. We're not we're not to make the adjustment Oh, we didn't talk about hotel lobby, which I think is yeah I would I would give it a three.
I've never really experienced yeah, like it's been there for me in a lot of clutch situations Yes, yes. Yes, that's a great one. I'll just say for location. We can fire up a couple quick locations Hotel lobby is a great one anywhere where you have to purchase is necessary obviously stinks I hate that like I use your bathroom.
It's purchase necessary. Can I borrow the water? You have to get lying like oh my god, oh my god purchase necessary stinks gas station obviously like the Definitive bad restroom experience. Yeah, sure they give you a fucking big metal spoon with the key attached to it Okay, I have a location that I think is kind of fun and flirty I don't ever do it now, but as a kid I feel like I was often going to the bathroom in a grocery store and they take you to their little Back area.
You know I also feel like I was going to the bathroom at grocery stores a lot when I was looking at what the fuck is this? I just think that you're a kid and you're like, yeah, so boring. I'd rather piss than be here Yeah, I agree plus you know the back area is tight, but like a lot of stupid fucking safe ways and shit They just got that it's over by the flowers and it's like you've a key Oh my god a key especially for a not single occupancy. Oh my god.
Yeah, yeah, I have a key So my shit is a key You know what's really cool about it? It takes so fucking long to figure out exactly which way to get the key in because like oh It's not all the way in yes, it's like three quarters of the way in so it lines up just right and then you have to jiggle it around It's so stupid. I mean also don't forget don't please don't forget that I Whatever it's attached to and it's always attached to something which is fine because I would forget it's what we got Literal big thick chain metal chain thick you think ones like a beat someone a death with that thing It's sickening like I walk down the hall with that thing with the key dragon down the hallway like I'm a fucking killer in a movie God and it's like that What do you think other than that thing is covered in piss and poop articles and the nasty wet that's only counter I'm one less thing about your fucking school one is a dry so no. Oh my god.
No Bar of soap. No, no, no. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry. You think I'm saying bar of soap Oh, you're talking about dust like powdered. Yeah, is there something worse than a very not quite lit wait I think powder is better than soap bar soap because bar soap everybody touching even a soap, right? Yeah, but it's still gross soap where it's clean.
No, no, it's clean until there's a little hair on there If there's a hair on that I would know I don't think I'd ever seen a bar of soap in a public restroom That's I would run through the door juggernaut style. I would blast a hole in that thing So that's fucking public restroom is a bar of soap. That's madness Okay, dry soap is that like flakes powder? It's like a powder you do that's sick.
I hate that porta potty isn't great But it's also not sometimes it's a godsend. Yeah, but only but I mean I get that could be said about any of this I just like a situation where you use a porta potty is one where you like are so glad to see one That's fine and I hear you obviously obviously yeah, there is no yes world putting porta potty I just like for some reason I don't have like the most negative opinion of it because it's always like oh thank God a porta potty Right. Oh, tell you what they've been really up shout out to like the up to porta potty gang I feel like yeah, Andy go now. There's these little trailers.
You know talking about oh Trailer the chateau's I love to call him. Yeah, the only problem with those is they got like shit to poop They have a little slick metal staircase you have We haven't talked about foot fleshers. Oh like a kick. Yeah, I don't like that We're just like the fact that it's I want it to feel I like that normal toilets create the illusion that it's so fucking gone Oh, I mean we also didn't talk about in terms of like I guess facilities and auto flush I don't need I'm a big boy.
I know and like oh my god my current bathroom my work bathroom is an auto flush And it does this cool thing where you walk towards it and immediately starts flushing also The haunted flush which my bathroom has every now and then it was be at the urinal and then the fucking stall two things away We'll just flush oh cool. Yeah, it's loading. It's moaning Myrtle. It's the fucking chamber secrets bathroom in there That's fucking sick.
That's all I got. I have one more thing for etiquette, too And I it might be a two, but I think it's a one Mm-hmm. I don't want to see you taking selfies in there You ever get a mere selfie guy in there with you never am I like I mean this dude doing that never in my life Yeah, yeah, I just I just make me feel like I just want to like I feel like inclined to participate and be like looks good Dude you want me to snap what for you like you're in the toilet pop back into it I don't I've never in my life seen that yeah, I think I think this we could probably talk about this one over six hours shout out to Wilder for saying this wasn't a good topic. There is one thing we didn't talk about which is insane because I thought about it like minute one Well, have you ever interacted with a public restaurant as a bidet?
No, I mean either Do they exist they must right I stayed in a flat in London once that had one that's only to ever seen it Okay, so we're just gonna pretend like they're not public and if you got something to tell us about them you can tell us Yeah, both of us have dads that have fucking Japanese toilets on yeah Stupid idiot dads I can't fucking deal with it. Do you ever use that unit cuz I hate using my dad's I it looks disgusting It's so gnarly it's looks disgusting my dad constantly has the heater on oh Yeah, it's horrible and it's in the guest bathroom because I guess my dad and you've cut this if you want because it is nasty I guess my dad is just pounding these massive dooders and he can't have it in their master bath cuz it'll wake up my stepmom oh My god, bro, we almost ended the episode without any of this So bad control on it is so fucking impossible that I can never turn the heater on it looks like an Development when Michael Sarah's trying to build the jet pack that's what trying to use one of those toilets looks like to me Thank you to Philadelphia Pennsylvania for once again smashing the dick out of everyone else Ooh to us. Do you know what episode number this is no take a guess is an episode? I mean I got it 40 41 bitch.
Wow. Wow. I was so close come on. Yeah, shout out to Adam Fay for the R2 bad Todd now up in Portland What's up?
Oh, but BT and PD X. Yeah, go say such a bad Todd if you in Portland a K mux to cut Yeah, and shut up all Gary also still Not a very Just rev in merch and much like you should guide to merch calm what I already forgot what we said We're gonna make but no fib zone mugs will be It's a perfect here's a deal gang a no fib zone I will plan it to that drops the same day to sub so drops a no fib zone mug is a perfect gift for mom for dad for grandma and Puff a little baby. It's the perfect gift I don't know what to tell you get one for yourself get one for your mom Like progressive commercial style parents were like no fib zone is funny All right, wait till you see whatever dumb font I pick I've been on a heater go Go keep the bucket hats if you want to see a little taste of my work Bucket hats now and like shout out to the good people of Teespring who couldn't find a way to magic up a mockup of what it looks like Like straight on I know I don't get it. I don't get it.
You can only see it from like a three quarter panel I don't I don't get it go get a bucket hat guy to merge they come in five incredibly offensive colors And that's it that's it I was gonna say wait cuz didn't we come up with a way to end our episodes and now I can't remember Oh, yeah, don't kill each other or don't kill me. Is that what we're gonna say? Okay, if you're wondering why the last episode was so short It's because we talked about all these types of people that we think we should kill and then realize that we shouldn't talk about that Yeah, cuz you have to learn from your stupid stupid mistakes. So that's why it's a 39 minute episode Yeah, little bite size, baby.
See you when I see you and remember don't kill each other