Reflections: Bathtub and Games

15.07.2020 Recorded on my new lsp4. I had to admit I might be a bit mad when I listened to the first few minutes of this. I had the recorded next to me in the bathtub as I stood in cold water. Then I started shadow boxing in the bathtub. I went through in my head about things that I've been thinking about. How love brings out the worst in people, and how lovebirds can go to being distant fiends in a single breath. Not that I particularly loved this girl, but I can see how she traps herself in her own delusions. A part of me wants to show her how wrong she is, a part of me wants to make it clear to her what I feel is wrong about her, and her insecure persian roommate who talks too much and barely listens. Both trapped in a cycle of gossip that I wasn't even involved in but was the eventual subject of. I guess I'm pissed I'm seen in a light I know I'm not, but I guess things like this are natural when it comes to matters of the heart. The thing is, I really only gave this girl my truth. And she reacted by gifting me with a cold shoulder after preaching warmth and openness since I've known her. Should I feel wrong about how things ended? Not really. Truth is the most fabulous of filters. And I will stand by it. Even if I can't fully know it myself. So let her be herself. And I'll continue being the best of myself. I do not owe anyone anything. I don't need to try and change what I think is wrong about her. Who really knows if anything really is wrong. It's up to her to reflect. I guess I just know she won't do that the way I would. Of course that's the case. no one reflects like I do. And that's also my own opinion. I know the fallacy of my own thoughts, and what troubled me the most is that I thought she knew that. She was vulgar and objectifying on more than one occasion, and then suddenly, I was the one who was arrogant and only thought that the version I saw things were right. She really didn't get me at all. All because an I sent a voice message to her roommate 2 weeks after I stole the girl he invited to Cristina's birthday party saying "You stopped being yourself to get a girl attracted to you, and that's wrong. It doesn't matter if Cristina, you or In__ left me and never talked to me again. All that matters is being true to myself, and that's what you should try to find too. Be okay with letting people go and stop texting them over and over again expecting that will benefit you somehow." I waited 2 weeks before sending that because I wanted to see how'd he react. He kept texting In__ and texting her and texting her. And when I sent him that message, I was on a walk with In__ in the part when she told me "Oh, Mo's calling me." After we parted ways I sent him a message asking him what he was up to now? And sent Cristina a voice message trying to mend the relationship. Little did I know that while I was sending her that voice message both Cristina and Mo were on the phone with In__ to have her listen to that voice message I sent. They only showed her 1 out of the 5 messages I sent him. This dirty man full of gossip disregarded all the other voice messages. The ones where I apologized, the ones where I gave friendly advice, the one where I offered we should talk some time. And only played her that one. Which I didn't mind, because I was also never dishonest with In__ either, but now I have to ask myself why she bothered picking up the phone. Cristina called In__ with Mo and "warned" her about how I was "objectifying" In__ before I went and talked to her, imagine. When she was the one who said "Go go! Go fuck that blondie! Go do everything you want with her! Just not in my bed!" Funny how she can be hypocritical like that and not see it. The weakness I see in people surprises me sometimes. I need to not forget that I will continue to see this as I continue.