Restorative Practice That Works: How to Debrief After Difficult Behaviour

In this solo episode, behaviour specialist and author Andy Baker unpacks one of the most overlooked parts of behaviour support: what happens after the incident. Whether you’re working in a school, supporting adults in care, or navigating tough moments at home, the post-incident debrief is often where the real growth happens – yet most settings rush it, avoid it, or unintentionally turn it into another punishment. Andy breaks down why restorative conversations fail when done too soon, too harshly, or with the wrong focus, and offers a simple, practical framework for debriefing that protects dignity, reduces shame, builds connection and genuinely improves future behaviour. This episode is essential listening for caregivers, parents, teachers, support workers and anyone navigating distress or dysregulation in others. 🧰 Resources Mentioned Andy's Book – Targeting the Positive with Behaviours That Challenge A practical guide featuring the full Six-Stage TARGET Model and the PERFORM Debrief Framework. (Listeners are directed to the link in your episode description.) Able Target System – Trauma-informed, restorative, person-centred behaviour support framework embedded throughout Andy’s training and consultancy. 🔑 Three Key Messages Debriefing is learning, not punishment. If all we take from an incident is a report form and a bruise, we’ve wasted pain that could have become insight. Restorative practice only works when shame is removed. When people feel heard, their brain reopens to learning. When they feel shamed, reflection shuts down. Boundaries and humanity belong together. Restorative approaches don’t remove limits – they strengthen them by pairing accountability with connection. ⏱️ Chapter Timestamps 00:00 – Why debriefing matters more than we think The hidden stage most settings skip – and why outcomes suffer when they do. 00:24 – Where schools, care services and parents go wrong Common mistakes: retraumatising conversations, shame responses, and “confession-based” debriefs. 01:14 – Learning from incidents: the fire analogy Why incident forms aren’t enough without meaningful reflection. 02:23 – Why we avoid debriefs Shame, fear of judgement, time pressures and the myth that “they won’t learn anyway”. 03:33 – Punishment vs restorative learning Why consequences don’t automatically create insight. 04:12 – Supporting the adults too The emotional impact on staff and caregivers – and what reflective practice should include. 05:26 – The PERFORM Debrief Script A step-by-step walkthrough: P – Prepare E – Explore the story R – Reflect on feelings and needs F – Feedback on impact O – Ownership through repair R – Responsibility for next time M – Map the future 08:53 – A real-life story: shouting match avoided How one parent transformed a tense evening into connection through the right questions. 10:18 – Why shouting never teaches what we think it does Fear creates compliance, not growth. 12:14 – The true purpose of restorative practice Connection, rehearsal, emotional safety and future-proofing behaviour. 13:34 – Behaviour is like the weather How to become the “behaviour weatherman” through the TARGET model and emotional insight. 🎧 Why Listen to This Episode? This episode will help you if: You want to repair relationships after meltdowns, crises or confrontations. You support children or adults who experience overwhelm or dysregulation. You feel stuck repeating the same incidents without seeing change. You want a script, not just theory. You’re trying to build a culture of safety, dignity and accountability. If you’re a parent, teacher, care worker, foster carer, SENCO, TA, support worker or leader in education or care, this episode will give you grounded, real-world tools to use today. 📲 Connect with Able to Care & Able Training Podcast Website: https://able-training.co.uk/podcast Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/abletraining/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/abletrainingexperience LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/company/able-training-ltd-/ YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@abletocarepodcast