Right Action

We’re hard on ourselves, as humansBecause we can almost always imagine a ‘better’ optionIt can be very hard to just be where we areTo acknowledge and appreciate our quirksAnd their contributions to the color of the worldAs we imagine embodying idealsBut I’m not completely convinced our ideas about idealsAre at all accurateI’m more of a believer that our quirkiness is more precisely tuned to the majesty of creationThan our best behavior.I have examples.My daughter is delightful and charming and talentedWhen she is sad or depressed or frightened, she is a bubbling cauldron of angerOver the years something became evidentWhen I try to empathize with her or soothe her or calm herShe just gets angrier. Digs in. Goes deeper.Of course my deep desire to ‘help’ generally has me forget this for a half an hour or moreTo actually shift the situation, I have to mirror her angerLose my temper at her spiralingShout “Basta, basta! E abastanza!” Enough! Stop it!I don’t really yell in Italian, but it is my inner Sicilian that comes outAnd then I need to give us both a minute.That’s when things shift.This tracks with homeopathy, which encourages us to allow a fever to run its courseThe theory is that the heat moving through the body is performing a system upgradeAborting the mission means the immune system misses the updateDon’t be afraid of the fire, but don’t let it take over the system, eitherNow, my inner perfectionist would like me to find exactly the right soothing words and calm delivery to give my daughter what she needs to find herself within her anger and move through itI don’t think the utopian version really exists, or if it did that it would have the right impactWhen I was a young adult living at homeI was in a toxic romance and one evening was sobbing into the phone at 2amMy mother, annoyed AF, got out of bed, came into my room, slammed the phone down and slapped me across the faceIt’s actually one of my favorite memoriesIt was exactly what I neededIt literally slapped me back to reality, reestablished myself within myself, let me see and choose against the spiralShe didn’t slap me because she knew it was exactly what I neededShe slapped me because, come on! It’s 2am! Enough already!But, her authentic response brought me back to myself more than any honed wisdom ever could’veJefferson Fisher, that adorable attorney who talks about how to engage in difficult conversationsAdmits that sometimes, calm is inappropriateSometimes, life is fiery and our agitation is normal and healthyThe cauldron of alchemy in those moments is grounded connectionGrounded connection is going to look different every timeSometimes it’s a mirroring, sometimes a shoulder to cry onSometimes a slap across the face, freely given and without regretA scripted response could never meet the moment authenticallyAI cannot soothe the savage beastIt’s our special cocktail of crazy meeting their special cocktail of crazyIn heartfelt, honest relationshipAnd like my mother before me, I knowSometimes losing your temper is the medicine This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com