All right, Mom. Put down that coffee and grab a wine. Get ready for another episode of Nursing and Cursing, a parenting podcast that covers more shit than your baby's full diaper. I'm Kate. I'm a stay-at-home mom of three in Brooklyn, New York. I'm trying to figure out whether I should go back to work, have another baby, or spend the rest of my life waiting for my fresh direct order. Hey, I'm Christine, a video editor and a mom of two living in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Allie here, podcasting up in the mountains in South Kona, Hawaii. I work as a real estate agent and a mom of two boys. Hey, I'm Molly. I'm a teacher raising two kids in St. Augustine, Florida. And I'm Sarah, a new mom to one sweet babe living in Brooklyn, New York. Between five busy households, it's a miracle we make it on the mic at all.
Trust me, we need this as much as you do. Hi, guys. Hey. Hey, hey. Hello. Okay, girls. Carcations. What's a Carcation?
A vacay in your car. Okay. Thank you. And we actually got that from an Instagram user who posted on our Instagram account. One of our listeners totally came up with carcations or maybe it already existed and we just stole it from her. But anyway, thanks girl. I should know your username so I could shout you out right now, but I don't have it. But you just deleted Instagram. So like what? Okay. So like being in my car, especially living in Los Angeles, like we used to pretty being in my car before I had kids, not pleasurable.
What about you? Three kids? No, you're in the car. It's awful. And then when you have kids, suddenly it's a sweet escape. Without them. Without them. Yes, it's your escape. Right. There's no partner in the car and there are no kids in the car. There's actually nobody in the car besides you. You and your sweet ass fucking jams blasting. Okay. Right. I thought you were going to say titties. You, your titties, and like some fucking shot in as loud as you can sing it. Right. Or just coffee and nowhere to be. A nice coffee and nowhere to be. Just cruising. And maybe your jams aren't going. Maybe for like 10 minutes it's.
Just silent. You are just zoning on the road. I drop the kids off at school and I do not listen to anything at first. I go completely silent and I just, it's so beautiful. I definitely like jams. Like if I can just crank the Dixie check so loud or, you know, like.
podcast that's like taking it too far that's too much pleasure my ultimate carcation is when i go um look for parking and i've told you guys this that sometimes it takes a long time to find parking here right my husband hates it like he gets so mad he doesn't want to move the car he doesn't like to look for parking he doesn't understand why it doesn't bother me at all i'm happy to go i love to just pick the keys up off the table and skip on out like don't worry babe i'll move the car sometimes sometimes i'll find parking in five minutes and not be home for another 20 nobody has to know late night trips to public because we forgot supplies to make lunches? No problem. I got this. My pleasure. I love to just pull into the driveway when I get home and just text my ass off for like 30 minutes in the driveway and just not go in. I'm like, oh my God, I'm paying a babysitter so I can text in my fucking car in the driveway. It's so worth it. It is worth it. In the parking lot at the grocery store. I'm not getting out yet. I'm just going to sit here and scroll, baby. Do a mile on my thumb before I ever open this door. That's right. For those who live up north, heat blasting in the winter or heaters if you have that.
I don't, but it's pretty much my dream. Yeah. Just sitting with your fucking ass getting all toasted out on Instagram and you go into tunnel, you know, your, your vision is tunnel. And have you ever had somebody tap on the window and you're like, where the fuck am I? Oh my God. Oh yeah. Have you guys noticed? Have you guys noticed Molly? Not for you. Cause you're no longer on Instagram, but Instagram for three days. Don't get defensive. You're off Molly. Forget it. And then I'll be shamed. Keep going. But I was going to shame you. What I was going to say was.
Have you guys noticed that so many videos that moms, specifically moms post about any number of things. Where are they? They're like sitting in their car, still wearing their seatbelt. Some of them. And I want to be like, honey, the car's in park. Go ahead. Free yourself up. I ain't doing it. Yes, exactly. So many of them. It's not just moms love to be in their car by the fuck themselves. Yes. You know what? I'm going to take it to another level of going out with my girlfriends, of course, that are moms. Guys.
Nine out of ten times. You know what we do on our hangouts? We sit in the car. And we just talk shit for like two hours. We can never get out of the car. We go to the grocery store. We get a pint. We sit back in the car. And we just chitch that in. We don't go anywhere. We sit in the car. And my friends are going to laugh because you know who you are. But it's like we could be going out and doing stuff. I guess maybe that small town living to do after a certain hour. It's not like you're going to go to the bar. No way. Courtney and I have done the same thing in LA. And Allie, you and I have been doing that all our lives except for God. Since we've had kids, we haven't done it. And I would pay. How much would you pay to sit in the car with me?
for three hours straight. I would pay $125. That's all I'm worth to you? Wow, that seems so cheap. That's insulting. That's like less than $50 an hour. That's like one week of Starbucks, Molly. You're like, what would you pay? I'd pay basically nothing.
Not a lot. I wouldn't say a lot, but I'd really love it. Guys, what about... Go ahead. Sorry, Allie. Go. I was just going to say, do you guys have any guilty pleasures of specific treats when you're on a Caucasian that you do? Yes. French fries from Donald Trump. What? Sarah?
What? Driving back into New York City after you've been upstate or wherever the fuck? You stop at the McDonald's on the way into the city and get some french fries. But you're not alone. You're also acting like McDonald's is like a speciality. You only get into New York when I think of it as the opposite. You know what? I'm with Sarah, though. I would like to do that. I would like to do that. I don't get McDonald's if I go out of town, guys. I cannot handle this. I just think it's so funny that you've been on the highway for like two hours. It's so much McDonald's. Like every 40 miles. Here's another McDonald's.
For some reason, once you get through the Holland Tunnel, you're like... Also, this is coming from a girl who fucking hand makes fucking deodorant. Yes, thank you. When I called you at 7 o'clock tonight, you were making cookies to eat immediately. Of course. That's why I said guilty. Guilty pleasure. No, I love it. It was shocking coming from Sarah. That threw me off. That threw me off. A fantastic detail of a Caucasian. Some will know and some won't.
Are you by yourself? Sarah, is this alone? Or like when you're in the car and he's asleep in the back, you guys are pulling through the drive-thru. Yeah. That's not a carcation though. I was going to say. You're right. You're right. I'm sorry. I cheated. If you're going through the, we were about to die that you got in your car and went to the McDonald's drive-thru by yourself, which is fine. That's why I was so thrown off. I'm like, you make the event alone, but you'll drive to McDonald's alone. Something's not adding up. Yeah. But did you see where, what was it?
What was it? Connie Britton. Oh my God. She's in the car. What? I love her. Smilf. Smilf. The scene with Connie Britton in the car parked in her garage. Yes. That was an amazing scene. It was amazing. So I would like.
If the timing worked, I would love to listen to Delilah After Dark in my Carcassian. Oh, God. Heaven. Mine's so generic. I just like an iced mocha and I just like to pull over with the AC and a fucking text session. That's my daytime Carcassian for sure. What about this? I don't know if this technically is a Carcassian, but I know it's like a phenomenon that moms enjoy and I've come to love it so much. It's not a Carcassian because your kids are involved. But what about...
the time between snapping them into their car seats and closing the car door. And then that like brief 45 seconds before you, yourself, just leave them trapped in for a little bit. That to me feels like for some reason, the feeling that they're all wearing their seatbelts and I fucking closed every single door. I feel like the time that I take to walk around the back of the car and get into the driver's side sometimes is so long. You think it took me, I mean, you think I did a mile around the back of me. That's what I do when I get home, when I get out of the car and I'm like crying and whiny, I take a B before I get them out. So I'm like, you can do this. You can fucking do this. You can make it to bedtime. Go.
Yeah, I like to strap my kids in first, close the doors, and then go back in the house to get what I need. That's how I always raise them. Get in the car, seatbelt up, close the doors, AC or whatever, and then I can't hear them and I can go back in the house more. My cell phone, my makeup bag, whatever I needed that I don't, that I need space to figure out. That's really good. You can't do that. I could never do that. Yeah, you can't do that in New York. Can you mind if I left my kids on the street in New York City in a parked car and they're like, mom needed her makeup back? Right. They're like five blocks.
I have a treat though, you guys. My friend introduced me on my 36th birthday, I guess this year, to this local sort of popsicle, I guess. But it's creamy. It's called a Melona bar. Have you heard of them? Do they have them in New York? Melona. I wouldn't know. M-E-L-O-N-A. Find it. I think they're Korean. And they are the flavor of honeydew melon. But okay. Don't waste my time with melon. I was introduced to them at the gas station.
And I was like, what the fuck did you just do to me? It's not like tangy. It's so creamy. I can't explain it. It's un-fucking-believable. But this is my thing. When I'm by myself, I will swing into the gas station and get a Malona bar and eat it in private. My kids, of course, have never had one. But it's so...
Stinking good. Why haven't they ever had one? It's a cantaloupe popsicle. I just Googled it. It's a refreshing fruit flavored ice bar. It doesn't sound that naughty. It's not an ice bar. There's egg in it. That sounds really weird. Ew. It's creamy. It's milk too. It's creamy. That sounds great. Like a pudding pop but melon. Yes. A pudding pop is so delicious. Back to Caucasians. Well, that's a good one, Allie. I feel like New York has ruined Caucasians for me because every time I get in my car to go somewhere, I have to have fucking Siri telling me where to turn.
I can't believe I forgot this Jeremy just made the most this I fixed your problem we were driving back in the Poconos this weekend I was driving my husband's in the passenger seat and he did something so fucked up I almost crashed our car and killed all of us he secretly put he secretly put you know ways we use ways right you guys do too yeah we're using ways and Jeremy secretly as we're coming into the city secretly put the ways voice in boy band mode Do you guys know that even has that setting? No, that's awesome. It had been a woman going like, next left. And then all of a sudden, it was this voice, turn right, turn right. I was so scared. I was like, Jeremy, did you just say that? He was like, no. And I was like, which way do we go? And he was like, I think it's the next right.
Make it right. Make it right. Like that for the whole, for 10 minutes. And the kids and I were, I was, but I was like scared. I was so freaked out. I was like, is that the radio? I was smashing all the buttons on the panel. Finally, he was like, wow. Wow. Speaking your directions to you. That's pretty good. So there you go, Sarah. That's your solution. Sarah, put it on. Everybody needs to do it. It just makes driving more fun. Oh, man. That's awesome. I'm ready for a carcation. I feel that mostly the carcations, I'm parked. Yeah, parked. Yeah. Staycation, carcation. I don't want to waste my time like having to think or drive. Right. I just want to hide.
Oh, yes. My husband does Caucasians in our driveway all the time. He comes home and I'm like checking the, looking out the curtains to see if he's home yet. And I just, you know, his neck is in position looking down, down at his phone. He's probably just burning through texts or Instagram or whatever. I have to give it to him though, because once he's in the house, he's pretty focused and present. So he like gets it out of the way. That's good. That is good. That's good.
Okay, girls, what you got this week? I got a good couple. My nail is that I did not pump at work today. Yes. Wow. And I'm not going to do it anymore. My pump parts, that's all moldy. I forgot to clean them. And I just said, there's no way I'm like even opening this plastic bag to clean these. I'm just not going to do it anymore. Yeah, girl. Freedom, baby. You know, she didn't have any milk today while I was gone and she's all right. So that's my nail. Sarah, that is gigantic. That is huge. Is this like, are you going to go back to pumping tomorrow or is this the new normal?
This is done. I don't have any fun parts. It's huge. It's over. Good girl. So my fail this week is that...
I was at the park playing with Francis, and I was wearing this, like, fucking jumpsuit, of course. And I was like, you know, there are all these splinters, and, you know, like, the wood wasn't really smooth. And I got home, and I realized I had splinters all in my ass cheeks. Oh, gosh. Terrible. I couldn't, like, fully see them, so I had to get Tim to come in the bathroom with me with tweezers on all boards. Tweezing.
splinters out of my ass he fucking loved that he loves it when i get kind of trashy like i have like this slip from walmart you told us about this okay so fucking he loves it anyway Guys, and it's like a waist slip. It's like a slip that's under your belly button and then mid-thigh, like the most unsexy look ever. What color? Please stay off white. It's white. It's white. That's my grandmother. Disgusting, but I think it's worse than nude because it probably has yellowing. It probably has like a yellow twinge to it. Sarah, when you were on all fours, were you naked or did you have your underwear kind of like in a wedgie? No, I just like had them at my ankles. Why did you guys not fuck? Yeah, how are you not fucking? I don't understand.
It's like a girl's butt. You guys, those splinters were starting to get infected. They were red. This is disgusting. Sarah, hats off. You had a big week. You dropped pumping and you kind of got intimate. You're like, Tim, don't you remember when you picked those splinters out of my ass? That counted as sex for this month. Thanks for that. Anybody else? Yesterday, my five-year-old said to me in bedtime, I think this is a nail. I don't know if it's a fail.
We were lying down. Actually, she's four. She said, Mom, quick question. I was like, sure, go ahead. Do you think a sweaty vagina is like a sign of a great day or what? Oh, my word. Oh, my God. She really is your daughter. I was like, yeah, probably sign of a pretty great day. Is it sweaty and fat and stuck together? Oh, my God, you're right. This is a theme. Why didn't I even notice that? She's obsessed. She likes vaginas. It's great. I hope she's a lesbian. Me too. I can only hope. I really do hope so.
Okay, I got one. I went to see The Incredibles 2 with my family. Have you guys seen it yet? Not yet. How is it? It's really fun. It's really cute. And you know what? They do a great job. They touch on parenting, you guys. So everybody who listens to this podcast is actually going to love it. There's some really hilarious points to it. Can't wait. But we went to a new theater that had like a bar and order full food. And it was our first time going. So the works. I ordered a drink before we went in. And I had a beer with my husband as we were waiting for our tickets. And then I was like buzzing.
Okay, wow, this is going to be fun. I'm going to see a kid's movie. So I got another beer. Okay, this is not normal. This is like severe day drinking. I'm holding beer number two. We're laughing it up in line. Phoenix is in front of me. And who knows what? I just lost my step because I'm such a lightweight. And I just poured the whole second beer down my son's back and all over his hair. It was just like, okay. I was drunk off one beer, spilled the one. And he turned around and he was so stoked to be at the movie theater.
He just turned around and was like, oh, it's all good, Mom. No, don't worry about it. He's like, can you guys cut my mom off no more after this one? Yeah, exactly. Wow. That sounds super fun. It was very fun. Good movie. Cool. Okay. The parents didn't have a day drinking problem or what? Does anybody else have one? I don't have one tonight. I must, but I can't think of one. I could share the favor. Okay, go ahead. Love y'all. Peace. Bye. That's on next week for another episode of Nursing and Cursing. It's safe to admit that you just left your kid in the car to run into Ace Hardware for five minutes.