I'm Kate. I'm Kate. I'm Kate. I'm Kate. I'm Kate. I'm Kate. I'm Kate. I'm Kate. I'm Kate.
Trust me, we need this as much as you do. Hey, you guys. Welcome back to Nursing and Cursing. Hi, girls. Hi. I missed you. We don't have Sarah with us tonight. She's got something going on. But we're back on the mic. We've taken a couple weeks off. We actually lost an old friend, a mom. And the situation just kind of really took the wind out of our sails. And we just have not been in the mood. Our thoughts have been with her and her family. So thanks for listening to some oldies but goodies. We are back.
Tonight, girls, we are looking at an episode called saying no. This is not an episode about saying no to your kids. This is an episode about saying no in your life. Do you take on too much? How do you know when to cut it off as a mom? Ali and I were actually on the phone.
talking about this the other day because it's the end of the year right Ali yeah and uh Ali months that creep up out of the year where you're like what the heck right September December yes May right January February March but where you have an event every whether it's like the end of the school year uh soccer jabbery or um your kid's piano recital or the class play uh the graduation yes everything at once it's non-stop on top of birthday parties on top of all the usual kid stuff that's going on in the background of your life 24 7 right exactly so now I definitely have a few moms that I know and it's it's awesome I these are the moms that like I look at and I'm like holy shit they take it all on and they do it really really well Are they suffering? Are they struggling? I have no idea. But I know like for moms that are really close to me, like Kate, every single year, the beginning of the school year comes around and you are like, oh, I did it again. I'm the class mom. I'm like, what the fuck? I'm such a shitty class mom that doesn't count. Oh my gosh. But as a teacher, I know that the class mom is a thing, which P.S. I don't have one. Interesting. Yeah. Can you write out a personal email, Molly, next year? Would anybody be willing to? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But anyway.
That is a job, Kate, whether you're doing it shittily or not. I'm doing like a C plus job. No way. I don't believe it. But also, if you add all of the hours of emails that you have to do throughout, that's so extra. You know who's really good at saying no, though?
Your husband. Yeah. JJ's like, my husband, I'm always like, no, but if she doesn't go to the party, she's going to be the only kid in the class who didn't go, even though it totally fucked up her whole day trying to get her there and pick her up. My husband's like, so? He's like, so? It's my weekend, too. I don't want to spend it all day trying to get kids to and from places. Why don't we just bail? I'm like, uh-uh. And I almost never listen to him, but when I do, I'm always glad I did.
My husband is also very good at bailing. It's interesting that saying no has now turned into bailing. He reserves the right to say no or to bail, whatever you want to call it. He will not commit, and that is his way of being like, no, I'm going to say no at any second. JJ's the same. I'm like, do you want to have so-and-so over for dinner? Do you want to go to such-and-such's house for dinner? He's like, why do I have to decide right now? I'm like, because I'm asking about fucking tomorrow.
Why are you asking me that right now? He's like, I just got home. You need to know if we're going somewhere for dinner tomorrow night. I'll decide tomorrow night. I'm like, nope, well, it doesn't work that way. So then I'm like, okay, cool. We're going. And our SVP like, yes, we're going. And then before we leave the house, Jeremy and I have like a, he's like, why do you always schedule so much shit for us to do? Why do you always schedule this fucking shit for us to do? Well, I'm not going to that. Have fun. Dead.
Oh, Jeremy, JJ and I have gone places where he's not, hasn't wanted to go and he's done shit. Like we pull up and he's like, I'll come back for you in an hour. Oh yeah. I'm like, wait, what? He's like, I, babe, I told you like, I, there's, you can't be more clear than I'm not going. Exactly. Like what? Because in some, like, I'm probably, I'm going to say in Critty and Molly's relationship, no way that wouldn't happen. Where they're like, Oh, hell no. Right. No, never. Where it's like, nobody tells Pete what to do. And if you want to, then go find another husband.
Right. Yeah, that's just not Pete. It's now time for a quick sponsor break. Is there something interfering with your happiness or preventing you from achieving your goals? Personally, I suffer from unwanted stress and I need help navigating that. BetterHelp will assess your needs and match you with your own licensed professional therapist. You guys, this is what we're talking about. You can start communicating in under 24 hours. It's not a crisis line. It's not self-help. It is professional counseling done securely online. There's a broad range of expertise in BetterHelp's counselor network, which may not be locally available in many of our areas. The service is available for clients worldwide. You can log into your account anytime and send a message to your counselor.
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For nursing and cursing listeners, get 10% off your first month at betterhelp.com slash nail. That's betterhelp.com slash nail. Thank you. Yeah, so right. It must be frustrating for husbands like that to deal with, well, wives like you, Allie. I know you don't think you're one of these, but yeah, your list recently, I was like, holy shit, there's got to be something that you cut off that list, but there's always reasons why you can't cut it. Well, the thing is, I've actually gotten very, very good at saying, no, that's pretty LOL, but for all the things that I'm doing.
I said no to a hundred other things. Would you feel comfortable giving us a loose list of like what you got going on in the next month to six weeks? Sure. Okay. I'm also the classroom parent. I have told the teacher that I would help out delegating with the class play. So the costumes and the backdrop. That's one thing that's happening. I am hosting a community talent show fundraiser in a couple of weeks. A week later, I'm helping a friend with a dinner fundraiser.
And then there's just the usual end of the school year, everything else, right? Soccer, piano, everything on top of it. That doesn't seem like too much now that I've said it. Did you mention talent show? Did I miss that? No, you missed it. She did mention it. Yeah. So talent show is like, okay, I'm hosting the event. There's like lots of things in between that go with that. So there's being in the show.
There's your kids being in the show. There's writing for the show. Yeah, I feel like that's a really, I feel like that, it's just two words talent show, but I feel like the umbrella covers so many things. Oh, it's a huge project. Huge. Okay, right. And that's all in about a month. There's board meetings too. So I'm also, you know, volunteer. I'm the president of the board of a nonprofit. So we'll have meetings.
Whatever. This is not more than other people. Yes, it is. It is because it's volunteer stuff. I mean, I am busy as hell, but it's because I have to be, I guess. It's all linked to like, okay, I'm doing my kids' report cards. You know, I'm planning, but that's my job. And nobody gives more than a teacher. There isn't another moment in the day for you to be like, what?
doing a talent show like yes but i'm a teacher and you're a stay-at-home mom so we're both working so these are extras what do i do extra i'm just trying to so molly what would you like if you so we're like could Allie turn down could Allie say no to talent show well like oh she could she never ever would but technically she could like technically she could what would you I would be like I would say hell no to the teacher on the class play I would cut the costume situation I mean like for you is there anywhere that there's nowhere that you could say no right now or me or do you say no I was gonna say you guys I I am the opposite I say no I don't I know when it's too much but the problem is that I'm already at max and that's with one job and two kids so like I have really come to the conclusion that like okay cool I can't take on as much as other people. So I don't take on more than that. So what do I have? Actually, I have the podcast. Oh, the podcast is another thing. Yeah, that's a big one. I mean, we because we come together on Monday nights to record, but it's late as hell. It is now I'm looking at the clock. It's 1117 p.m. here on the East Coast. And just staying up late is too much. But then there's, you know, we all have little parts to it that make it work some more than others. So what I've got the podcast and I like try to work out with some friends. That's literally all I do extra.
That's great. I mean, really, the truth is, if I started saying no to my community service, then I'd probably be a hell of a lot more financially successful because I do real estate very part time because I've got all these other things going on. But you feed your soul and you love it. Yeah, I got it. And you have to be part of your, like you have to be part of your, like, I feel like whether moms sink or swim sometimes is so much dependent on whether they feel like they're part of their community, their mom community. And I feel like you can't say no to every invitation on, you just can't, like, even if you're tired, this is what I try to tell my husband all the time. You want to have a friend, you have to be a friend. Like you can't, you can't, you can't bail on every invite or pass on every get together and expect people to show up for you. It just doesn't work that way. You have to.
you you have to do the showing up too that's how i feel about it and it sucks to do some things out of obligation when i know as like a tired mom of three maybe it will be better for me in the short term to say no but i also try and think long term like um you know this mavis is going to want this kid at her party maybe so i don't know am i crazy i'm like no i kind of operate the same way i say i rarely say no and i always want to because i'm tired but i always say yes i take on way too much too you take on chrissy i feel like you take i like never hear you say no to anything either i feel like you take on so much well it's pretty too it's like these side hustle things where i'm like wait you're doing what now and i got a lot of side hustle that i just kind of keep on that i don't even talk about i just have a side hustle always right it's very impressive and a lot of it seems fulfilling and when you said that about ali like it feeds your soul like if anything you guys in the last couple weeks um i have just been like thinking about it has been what do you leave behind and if these things feed your soul and if this is what you'll remember then it's worth it you know what i mean like whether it's your side hustle or your community service or being there at your kids shit then it's worth it and it's great um yeah i feel guilty having i mean i had a teacher be like oh we do not have enough baked goods for the pre-k graduation
And I just stared at her because I was like, dude, crickets. I have to get my son ready. You're like, have you been to the Publix bakery? It's lit. And then my boss came to me and was like, hey, is there any way you can bring something? And I just like, again, stared. I was like, you're like, I fucking bring something every day. And it's my amazing energy. Bye. Yeah. Like, it's pathetic. No, it's not. And the thing is, like, people really are all different. I have a friend here in Brooklyn who sincerely is.
She's the most energetic person. She's definitely the most energetic mom I've ever encountered. She has two kids, and she's a stay-at-home mom, but she is able to accomplish and achieve an amazing variety of things. She's like a Renaissance woman. I don't know. I feel like I always avoided conversations with her about how we spent our time, like conversations like, what did you do this weekend? Because her answer is just, I feel like I was in a sweat just hearing about how she spent her weekend. But I just accepted, like, we're just totally different people. That's cool. We're just totally different types of people. And she doesn't like the feeling of doing nothing. And that happens to be a feeling that I love. And that's cool. That's totally okay. The acceptance. That's so important. I forgot a really big element to you guys. I'm also doing two weeks of art camp in June. I forgot. That's huge. You run the fucking art camp at the local art camp.
Right. That alone is a full time job. You're so busy. So I forgot that's coming up too. You got to hire the teachers and get the curriculum in order and all of that. But that being said, there's certain things though. One, if I want, I always think about even like being involved in my son's class or helping with a play or whatever, which really I've done so well, I've been delegating. So the only thing that I'm really doing is just writing the emails and trying to produce, just delegating. That's also a job though. Right. So.
But if I'm going to sit otherwise and watch the play or be in the classroom or be with the other moms and say, you know what? Oh, this is shitty. Or I wish this had happened. Or I wish this had happened. And why don't we have this going on? If I'm capable of doing it and it doesn't exist, like if I want something done, then I got to do my part to help in it.
Yeah, but that's a special way of thinking because I can sit in my kids' play and be like, that was shitty, but it was so cute. Okay, bye. See you next year. I don't need it to be better. It's like if you want something, you literally have to create it yourself. There's not these established things happening. I don't know. This is sounding like control to me. It's now time for a quick sponsor break. I think we can all agree at Nursing and Cursing that looking good feels great. Thursday afternoons, I have a meeting every week. It's the day of the week that I shower, blow dry my hair.
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yeah i'm with molly yeah this is kind of like control because if you sat back in that play it would be fine some other mom would take over whatever you know and i'm not talking about the play specifically like i actually don't give a shit right whatever right okay shonda rhymes you guys are familiar she wrote a book like four years ago called the power of saying yes where she like said yes to everything for a year and i remember i remember reading a review of that book and like reading an interview with her. And I literally had the thought like, wow, I want to do this experiment, but the opposite. I want to say no to everything for a year. It's powerful. I was like, I want to write the year of saying no and just being like, nope, not going to make it. Please do it, Kate. Jim Carrey movie where he says yes to everything. Yeah. That's like a good fun night where you have to go out with your girlfriends and you say yes to it. It is such a fun night. But I was like, why would I was like, Shonda is living my nightmare. Like saying yes to everything. That's horrible. Yes. Terrible. Yes. I mean.
I don't even want to think about that. Can I just make one, like just one little point though? I do think you can easily reframe this and think that every time you say no to something, you're just saying yes to something else, even if that yes is your own sanity. That's what I, it's very clear to me. We take on like one thing a day on the weekend. We do not do more than that. If we were invited to an early dinner, that is the only plan we make. You know, we don't do these weekends of like back to back to back because of the sanity portion. So saying no in our household is really, really all about self-care. But I know as my kids get older and start developing,
friendships and you know like what if like i'll be like baseball or something oh yeah that's the worst My baseball is the worst. He can't do that. The birthday parties, I'm going to be honest with you. Unless it's my kid's best friend that we've been chummy with since birth, we don't fucking go. I say no to them constantly. I've been trying to say yes. I can't do the birthday party. Garrett is the birthday party parent. He does not mind doing them. I always dread them. And he always says, let me do it. I'll take that off. That's great. He loves it. That's kind of his ballgame. Somehow our weekends are good. Our weekends are good. It's just the extra stuff that...
somehow what creeps in at nighttime or middle of the day, who knows? I could keep our weekends free though. Kate, I like that though, saying that saying no is saying yes to you. Like that's a great reminder. Cause when I do say no, I feel so guilty, but that is why you say no ultimately. Cause you need to break. It's true. And it's not, and it's like also saying no on behalf of your kids to things that they think.
things that they think you should say yes to for them. Like, um, you know, I've like bailed on sleepovers where my kid is totally broken. I've been like, we're just going to have to make it a late over. I'm going to have to call your mom and have her come pick you up just because I can see that my kid can't go the distance. Right. And it sucks, but I'm just saying yes to like my own kid's sanity the next day. And like, you know, I'm trying to salvage a Sunday out of a crazy sleepover. So right. Power to the moms who say no, for sure. No, it's a yes. Yeah. There's actually do it. Let's try to do it twice this week and come back and see how we did.
I mean, I've got you covered. I've done, I swear I've done it at least four times today, but I started for the first year ever, ever. Um, I started saying no in my classroom. This has never happened where I like have a whole thing planned and it's like, Oh, I'm doing the extra mother's day gift with this extra thing. And then I was like, Whoa, my new theme is, is it necessary?
It's like such a different way of thriving in the classroom. And guess what? It's still working out great. Is it necessary? I love that whole orientation. You could just strip shit down to super, super, super basics. Basically how JJ, like I have to say my husband, as much as I complain about him, he really does operate from this place where like a great day is the kids are fed and we all hang out. No need for any activities. That's like no need. Like that's it. That's fine. You can say no to everything else. Well, I mean.
whatever i i go between i guess i go between like molly and ally because sometimes that really makes me crazy but when i lean into it it's pretty fucking amazing actually everybody needs it sometimes and it's good to take things on sometimes too a little bit of both um i have a fail i've been dying to tell you guys bring it on yay um so jj and i tried to have a quickie in our um guest bedroom downstairs in the basement this is like two weeks ago and um And it was fine. We like we popped down there. We got the deed done. It was great. Popped down there. Just popped down there. Popped down. Popped in and out. And then of course like of course the second we're done we hear like kids coming into the basement because like if you disappear for five minutes people need to know where you're at.
So Jeremy, like, throws on his clothes and, like, runs out of the door. And I'm, like, just pulling my stuff on, like, under the sheets, you know? Yeah. Pulling everything up, pulling everything on. And I dash out. I dash out. I dash out. And, like, 20 minutes later, I'm in the bathroom with my husband just peeing. And I go to pull down my underwear and pee. And I realize I'm wearing my mother-in-law's panties. She must have pulled them. Oh. I don't know what happened if they were laundered and they were in the sheets. Or she stayed there and she changed and she forgot them. But I grabbed them and I threw them on. Oh, no. I can't see.
Oh my god, Jan, guess what? I was like, I'm wearing your mom's underwear. She was like, wow. Oh gosh. She was like, wow, I've just never been softer. Okay, bye. Oh my god. Oh, Kate. Kate. There's really no follow-up after that. It's just deadline after that. Deadline. Wow. I think.
I think that might be my favorite fail of all fucking time. Yeah, that's the Oscar of fails, Kate. Wow. So good. I'm shaking that one off. Chills. Exactly. Chills. Chills. Chills to pay the bills. Hashtag chills with a Z.
Oh, shit. I cannot. I'm getting back on track. All right. Let's get back on track. So do you have a nail, Kate? Well, the nail is what you did in the basement. That's it. You got nailed in the basement. My nail is that I got nailed. Exactly. Wow. Yeah. Sex and daytime hours while children are awake. Not something we have.
Ever done? Please don't say that. I've never done it. No, we've done it. You know, my second was conceived on Daniel Tiger. But I mean, like since. Both kids. Curious. Since like, you know, I'll get like older now. It's really hard. We've done it during nap time, Allie, but not while the kids are awake. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What about you? No, never.
But our kids, I mean, they never are alone. They're always following us around. I don't even know. And my kids don't nap, so we just don't get any alone time in the day. That's a whole other thing that can make you fucking crazy. Interesting. I remember some interview with Faith Hill and Tim McGraw, one of my favorite couples of all time, talking about having to go in the walk-in closet and do it real quick. Their walk-in closet is probably the size of your downstairs, though. There's probably a bed in their walk-in closet.
Oh, well, um, nail fail. Okay. Nail nine. No. Yeah. Nine more days of school over here. Okay. I'm about to, you guys, there's a very big difference between summer wife and a school year wife. Very big. I'm about to unzip my layers and like come out of my shell.
I cannot wait to see myself again. It has been a year. So that's my nail. I'm going to make that a nail next week, too, or whenever it is when it's actually over. I'm going to say no all summer long. Or you're going to say yes. I might say yes, girl. I might switch the script and say yes. And my fail is just a basic. I went over to the local thrift shop here, which I love to do. But it can get very crowded, and it's really rough around the edges. And there's a whole toy section, and I take the kids there sometimes to have an outing.
play for a second while I'm like looking at old furniture and I have this thing where I put my iced coffee in my purse so that it's upright but I just forgot it was there and I was bending over to help Goldie with something and my entire iced Fuck. Falls out, upside down, splashes all over the floor. There is a lady in there who is yelling at kids to put toys back. I felt so claustrophobic. Kids were all around me. Marigold comes over, slips in it. She is crying. I am using diapers from my own bag to wipe up the coffee. And there are other moms just like watching me just flounder. No.
That's their fail. It was so just stressful. But and then I just ended up like walking out of there. I had a pillow in my hand that I wanted to purchase and it got soaked and I felt like I still needed to buy it. Oh, that sucks. You needed to buy it more now. What the fuck are you going to do with it? You can't put it back. No, I did not put it back. I like kind of wanted it and was walking around with it to see if I definitely wanted it and then coffee all over. And I pretty much used the pillow to wipe up the mess, too. Anyway, it was one of the I was like, oh, my God, I just felt so connected to you guys, even though you weren't there. I was just like, oh, my God, I can't. We're always there. In those moments, we're always there. Yes. Yeah, but that's it.
Okay. I got a nail. Okay. Um, okay. So you guys remember, I said that the, the charter commission wrote us saying that they were, um, revoking the charter for my child's school, both my boys' school. So, um, they have revoked the revocation. So that means that, no, it's still.
it's happening. We have a school for next year, but that's not what my nail is. So because we have a school for next year, they are reconstructing the board. They need a board of directors at, at the school. And, um, I was asked to be on the board today to please apply for the board. Wow. The timing of this episode. You were like, I'm super busy. I couldn't possibly know for my kids school. And I said, no. Wow. 80s music and dancing in tutus. It's not feeding my soul.
It's not like some mindless shit. No. I said no. I cannot. I'm too busy. Good for you, Allie. Yeah, that was good for you, Allie, because 100% I never thought you would say no. Same. I know, because you could have ultimate control right there. Same. I'm so proud of you, Allie. Good for you. I don't want to know. Like, do your thing. Good for you. That's awesome. Good job, sis. Thank you. And my fail is that last week I had three kids in the car and was headed up the hill and putter, putter, putter, putter. I was like, what the hell's going on in my truck? Oh, my God.
And then I looked down and realized I fucking ran out of gas. I ran out of gas at age 37 and my husband came to my rescue. Okay, at least he was there. Yeah. And can I just shout you, your school, Allie, that's a huge deal. Huge. Hey, I know. Huge. Great job. Great news. Great news. Awesome. See what happens. Awesome. I bet you could. Okay, my nail is that my baby girl turned two today. Yes! Awesome. Oh, my God. It seriously seems like only a second ago that you were like, she's here. And we were like, who? Her labor was so fast. We had a great party, and she's just so stinking cute. She is. Man, I have so many fails. It's hard to choose.
I'll just do a quick fail. I'll just do a quick fail. We were like super mega late for Levi's like little ENT appointment last week. And it's the kind of office where if you're 15 minutes late, you get charged and you're out. They're just real strict dicks. Anyway, shoving the kids in the car, racing to the office. So late, so late, so late, really long drive, traffic, whatever. And the thing about Oklahoma is like in LA, it's a 30 minute drive anywhere, even if it's two miles, but it's like two miles. So it doesn't seem like a big deal here. It's a 30 minute drive, but you're like driving. So you feel like you're in a new state. It's crazy to me. It's like 30 minutes.
When I drive around New York, it's no big deal for the GPS to be like 45 minutes, but the mileage is like 1.65. Exactly. In here, I can't get over it. I'm like, I've been driving for so long. I'm like in another state. But anyways, driving forever. We finally get there. And I was at the wrong fucking doctor's office. I took him to the dentist. Oh, no. And I just pulled over. And I'm like, we basically drove to Texas. What the fuck? Oh, man. We had a quick silent cry in the front seat in the parking lot. Levi was like, Mom, what's up? And I'm like, one second. What did I get to say? But I'm like Googling. I have no idea where this place is. Anyway, then we had to drive.
Did they let you go? We were like 45 minutes late, but we just waited for like an hour and got it. Oh, God. 20 minutes late for Leo's dentist appointment today, and they canceled me. Oh, wow. You guys are living parallel lives. I get it. It's like they got to stay on schedule. I know. I know. Allie, how's off? You went to the dentist with Leo. Good job. And I go tomorrow. I go tomorrow for myself, you guys, from the problem I was talking about. Okay, so please, you have to report back next week. Yep. Okay. We're good. That's it. Unless you don't want to fail.
No, just proud that everybody's going to the doctor's dentist. It's 100% because of the episode that we did. We made a pact, right? That we will call and go. I'm going to call. I'm going to call tomorrow. Hashtag tomorrow. Hashtag me too, Molly. Right on top of that, Rose. Okay. Sarah, we missed you this week. Hope you're listening. We love all you guys. Thanks for hanging in. We will see you next week with another episode. Ladies, good night. Say yes, say no. Whatever makes you happy. Love you. That's it for now. Check you guys next week for another nursing and cursing where we won't tell your husband that you accidentally let your kid eat a cat turd.