S3E9: Reality Often Sucks But At Least It's Real

I was emotionally hungover when I recorded this yesterday. Today is better. I think. Too early to tell. I find mornings especially tender sometimes.It’s just so paradigm-shattering and grief-inducing to clearly see how much stability I once borrowed from the future (in both art and love) in order to inhabit the present. Ugh. I’m feeling a lot of grief around many things as I reconcile with different levels of reality in a deeply non-linear way.Accepting reality sucks sometimes… but at least it’s real. And just to be clear, the distinction isn’t “real vs unreal” or “good vs bad,” but more like negotiated reality vs the future I was leaning on to get through uncertainty. Reality is always negotiated, but the future was unknowingly being used as a stabilizing strategy. And I can’t currently make meaning in the way I used to in order to feel held while things are uncertain.Thankfully, I do know that feeling the grief, and honoring wherever I am, keeps things from getting stuck while also keeping my heart open. I can remain strong and soft, protective and open, full of grief and also so much love. Because for me, openness is not a personality trait; it’s an ongoing decision made under conditions of disappointment and heartache. And I refuse to harden or close my heart.This is the full Mary Oliver poem “Lead” I mention in the episode, which touches on all this and has stayed with me ever since I first read it. I used to have the last part of it taped to my fridge door.Go to Substack to see the water color void comic convo that comes along with this post. xSylvia