We Don’t Know w/ Sylvia

This final episode begins in pure grid logic (LAX airport vibes) and lands somewhere closer to ocean logic (mother-nature Norway vibes). I recorded this unhinged gospel to the unknown at the last minute en route to live in Norway for two months. Part of it was recorded in Los Angeles, then Minneapolis (so hot for that accent), before finally grounding in the fjords, where I now type this at 11 p.m. in order to make this goddamn Thursday deadline I set for myself. Jet lag is a real doozy. The sun sank behind the horizon hours ago, but it’s still light out. This land of the midnight sun never ceases to amaze me. I know things are pretty crazy out here. I do hope June and July treat you well and that you treat them well too. I’ll probably be back with Season 4 in the fall, but who knows. Thank you for tuning into this latest season and riding this wild and messy ride with me. I’m very grateful for you. Please do have an ungovernable, incorruptible, and tender summer. xSylviaNorway photos on Substack, if you fancy.

I was emotionally hungover when I recorded this yesterday. Today is better. I think. Too early to tell. I find mornings especially tender sometimes.It’s just so paradigm-shattering and grief-inducing to clearly see how much stability I once borrowed from the future (in both art and love) in order to inhabit the present. Ugh. I’m feeling a lot of grief around many things as I reconcile with different levels of reality in a deeply non-linear way.Accepting reality sucks sometimes… but at least it’s real. And just to be clear, the distinction isn’t “real vs unreal” or “good vs bad,” but more like negotiated reality vs the future I was leaning on to get through uncertainty. Reality is always negotiated, but the future was unknowingly being used as a stabilizing strategy. And I can’t currently make meaning in the way I used to in order to feel held while things are uncertain.Thankfully, I do know that feeling the grief, and honoring wherever I am, keeps things from getting stuck while also keeping my heart open. I can remain strong and soft, protective and open, full of grief and also so much love. Because for me, openness is not a personality trait; it’s an ongoing decision made under conditions of disappointment and heartache. And I refuse to harden or close my heart.This is the full Mary Oliver poem “Lead” I mention in the episode, which touches on all this and has stayed with me ever since I first read it. I used to have the last part of it taped to my fridge door.Go to Substack to see the water color void comic convo that comes along with this post. xSylvia

This week’s episode is about discernment and the personal practice of telling subtle things apart in both the mind and body — and what that practice is in service of for me personally is coherence. Not certainty, but coherence: an internal alignment between what I feel, what I say, and what I do.For me, coherence isn’t the absence of contradiction, but the ability to remain in relationship with contradiction without fragmenting. When I lose coherence, I usually become confused, dysregulated, and trapped in my head. When I have it, I’m more grounded in my body and able to move with clarity even inside total uncertainty.We unpack four things that often get collapsed into one experience: ambiguity, uncertainty, vagueness, and the unknown. They blurred together for me for years, and honestly, they still do sometimes. But when I can actually feel the difference between them (and not just intellectually categorize them but sense them in my body) something shifts. Clarity returns. Ultimately, this episode explores how we can learn to know when to stay in the question, when to tolerate ambiguity, and when discernment is asking for action instead.Discernment helps me tell the difference between ambiguity that’s alive and generative versus vagueness that’s obscuring something or keeping me stuck. It helps me recognize when uncertainty is asking me to build capacity instead of escape discomfort. And it helps me distinguish intuition from trauma — what’s an actual knowing, what’s a triggered response, what’s truly serving me and others, and what’s simply familiar.The episode also keeps circling back to the relationship we have with ourselves while we’re figuring all this out. Because discernment without compassion can become self-punishment, but compassion without honesty can become avoidance. Part of the practice, at least for me, is learning how to be rigorously honest with myself without becoming mean to myself. Cliff notes version: don’t be an asshole to yourself.Our inner critic is a habit pattern of the mind, and habit patterns can be retrained, albeit slowly, repetitively, and super imperfectly. And look, I know this can be incredibly difficult — especially if we’re dealing with things like depression, addiction, ADHD, PTSD, anxiety, burnout, etc. But from my experience, it’s really hard to transform anything internally while constantly fighting ourselves or talking shit to ourselves.Nothing here is black-and-white or one-size-fits-all. This is personal, not prescriptive. We all need as much support as possible with this stuff so I hope you have it or get it. As always, just take what works and leave the rest.See ya later alligators,xSylvia

In this week’s unhinged gospel to the unknown, we unravel the wild and wonderful paradox of knowing oneself. Identity can be a trap or liberating — or somehow both at once. Depending.As Eckhart Tolle reminds us:“You must be comfortable not knowing who you are to know who you are.”Guys, you know I love a fucking paradox and multiple truths. I love them because they create space inside us, between us, and out in the world. Also adventure. Learning to hold paradox can also loosen the rigid mind that seeks safety through certainty, control, performance, and all the other unreliable coping mechanisms that often create more suffering than freedom. It can soften shame and judgment, which can lead to deeper intimacy with ourselves and others. Who doesn’t want that? Exactly.So yeah, per usual we challenge the status quo of capitalism, conditioning, and the fantasy that we human beings are fixed, fully knowable things. We explore what freedom for ourselves and others might actually mean — and how we are both radically different and deeply interconnected.I believe we can be gentle with ourselves while staying rigorously honest about our bullshit. We can befriend fear instead of organizing our lives around avoiding it. We can alchemize that into deeper trust in our bodies, feelings, hearts, intuition, discernment, and our ability to use the strange tool (or toy) known as the mind — without letting it use us. Human experience doesn’t resolve cleanly into one stable truth without loss of reality.So not blind trust, but relational listening without surrendering discernment. Because as we know feelings and bodily intuitions can carry wisdom, but they can also be shaped by trauma, projection, ideology, nervous system patterning, fear, fantasy, and all sorts of different survival strategies. But as we uncover, discover, discard, and integrate all these layers, we reconnect with our embodied intuitive knowing — and that can be fucking magic. It’s also important to name here, because I’m not sure if it’s totally clear in the episode, that some people use paradox and multiplicity to avoid accountability, clarity, or commitment. And paradox without grounding can become dissociation just as easily as liberation. Which is also why we must stay flexible and not get trapped even by paradox. Tricky shit, I know. The danger of mistaking self-narrative for self-knowledge is always present — we can remind ourselves that clarity is partial, not final. I personally practice this by trying to navigate one moment and one day at time, remembering that I’m changing, you’re changing — it’s all changing. Then I can meet each moment and version of myself and you with openness and curiosity. Take what lands and leave the rest. But do stay ungovernable, open, and tender.xSylviaQuote I didn’t cite properly is by Fannie Lou Hamer: “Nobody’s free until everybody’s free.”Book I reference in here and repeatedly highly recommend: Howe, L. (2017). Healing through the Akashic records: Using the power of your sacred wounds to discover your soul’s perfection. Sounds True.

Episode 6 is an extra deep dive into how our fears can make us try to control people, places, and things — and how the attempt to annihilate ambiguity can erode intimacy, creativity, aliveness, and freedom.Per usual, I call myself out on the ways this rears its head for me personally. Ultimately, this is about how being devoted to living the questions can liberate us, and those we’re in relationship with — from fear.Reading this first passage is what inspired my unpacking of my own fears and everything else this episode spirals into:“Relationships do not suffer because love is absent. They suffer because control quietly replaces it. When the need to control begins to loosen, something more honest becomes possible. You no longer hold the other. You begin to meet them. And in that meeting: Not everything will stay. Not everything will return. But what remains will no longer be shaped by fear.” — VedicSoul by A Bhardwaj.The other quote and poem below are also referenced in the episode.Take what lands, leave the rest. Stay ungovernable.xSylvia“One of the great ironies of the human condition is that we are here to discover our soul’s perfection through imperfect teachers: one another.” - Linda HoweDie Before You Die by Rabia al Basri“Ironic, but one of the most intimate actsof our body isdeath.So beautiful appeared my death - knowing who then I would kiss,I died a thousand times before I died."Die before you die," said the ProphetMuhammad.Have wings that feared evertouched the Sun?I was born when all I oncefeared - I couldlove.”

The title of this one is inspired by the Charlie and the Chocolate Factory song from the creepy (and I think hilarious, depending on my mood) river scene. You know the one. But in case you forgot watch here. I often hear this melody in my head (but make up my own bad lyrics) when wading in uncertain territory. So yeah, that’s episode 5’s vibe: half-embodied, half-anxious, while continuing to wade in the wild unknown imperfectly. In this episode we continue to excavate how embodiment is the precondition for hard conversations that actually move anything personal or political. I keep harping on this because I keep encountering it on the daily. Take what works, leave the rest, but definitely try your best to stay ungovernable, incorruptible, curious, and tender out there. Lives depend on it. No pressure. LOL. But actually. Your precious presence and participation in this beautiful and horrible shit show is needed — and it’s a muscle we gotta build. Together. xSylvia

Episode 4 is basically a voice memo journal entry of sorts from Paris, France — which starts on a bridge and then is recorded while walking through the Tuileries toward the metro, emotionally hungover, jet-lagged, and very much in the middle of some shit. But also a lot of beauty.I talk about death — no one is shocked I know. More on that in this essay (the secret of death: a note from paris) from earlier in the week if you fancy. And the multiple tiny deaths that have been happening for months — of ideas, ways of being, things I’ve had to let go of or that got ripped away. And also about the Paris Metro, being held, and why I want to be crushed by greater and greater things. Oh I also very briefly mention this solid read on attachment theory which offers some interesting insights that I highly recommend you peep. And look, I know this shit has been discussed every which way to Sunday and is kinda played out, but I still took some new things away — just saying. Avoir. xSylvia

Swimming in the gap between knowing and feeling.I think the logo said Episode 3 last week but it lied. This is definitely Episode 3 and it’s called “Feeling Feelings is Hard + David Richo’s Five A’s.” It’s a horizontal dive into vulnerability, intimacy, and why it’s so much easier (for me personally) to armor up than to actually feel things some times. I talk about grief and how it’s not separate from the play and the fun, but actually part of it. And why staying in my head is a defense mechanism that keeps me from the very closeness I’m craving. Relatable? You tell me. I also crack open one of my all time favorite books on relating called “How to Be an Adult in Relationships” by David Richo and let it work as an oracle, landing on disappointment, the Five A’s (attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection, allowing), and the push-pull of abandonment and engulfment fears. Also how our nervous system remembers things our brains don’t and how that can be hella annoying. But actually. So fucking annoying. And also so very human. It deserves our grace. Take what works. Leave the rest. Stay ungovernable.PS: David Richo if you happen to come across this — THANK YOU SO MUCH for writing this beautiful book. So so grateful. xSylvia

Last week I came in hot and this week I slow back down and arrive somewhere softer — because that’s where I’m at and that’s how this podcast works. I imagine more activating territory is coming this season so my hope is that this episodes offers some embodied prep. I mean, if we can’t stay with ourselves when shit hits the fan, we won’t be able to stay with others. And shit just keeps hitting the fan. On every level. And I think we need to endlessly practice feeling into when to remove and/or protect ourselves, and also when to stay with discomfort or lean into the difficult— and that takes attuning to ourselves first, and then others, while also not bullshiting ourselves, or others. And knowing when and how to repair with others. This is not always easy to do, I know. For me it’s daily, hella imperfect, and revolutionary work I do solo and with others. So yeah, this episode is not an instruction or lesson or whatever, it’s just an embodied messy demonstration of some of the ways I do this. And hopefully something inside it will feel supportive or interesting to you. As always, take what works and leave the rest.xSylvia

A zero bullshit orientation to this feral playground where we learn to embrace uncertainty, cultivate solidarity, all while challenging the status quo.Reminder: this is an adult show (18+) with swearing and taboo adult subject matter and it will surely trigger you at times — you’ve been warned. I encourage you to stay open and curious while also taking care of yourself. Only you know your edges.And as always, take what works and leave the rest.xSylvia

Traversing the beauty and horror of this world with eyes and hearts wide open feels hard but also holy to me. I’m grateful for friends like you who are in it with me. This between-seasons episode is a reading of the essay I wrote last week about what’s happening in America right now, and why none of it is new. We all know tone and delivery change how we receive information, and because this feels so important, I wanted to share it here as well.Thank you for listening. xSylviaNote: This analysis draws on decades of scholarship, resistance movements, and lived experience that I’ve synthesized. If you’ve been following here, you know I regularly name queer and BIPOC thinkers and organizers I’m indebted to. The lineage here is long. I hope you’re reading their books. And if you’re not, let this be an invitation.If you prefer reading (and haven’t yet), the essay is below. It also includes recommended episodes if you want to go deeper. https://substack.com/@wedontknowwithsylvia/p-184172166

A return to presence, paradox, and the only thing that matters: now.I believe that our presence is the most precious present we can give to ourselves, those we love, and the world. After a season of critique, alchemy, exploration, art, enchantment, politics, failure, magic, and power, this episode collapses everything back into the most inconvenient truth of all: all we have is now. Presence and bearing witness to what “is” over and over again is what I endlessly return to as my work. Not presence as a productivity hack or a spiritual bypass, but presence as the only place where suffering loosens and agency returns. This episode is not about fixing the world or escaping it, but about learning how to stay present inside it, feel what’s true without bypassing, and let action arise from stillness instead of fear. I hope you know by now that I’m never trying to offer concrete answers. I’m trying to help us dissolve the need for them. Thank you for joining me for another season of this wild ride. I look forward to reconnecting with you in 2026 and for whatever Season 3 has to offer us. Until then, I hope you stay ungovernable, present, and fiercely tender. Love, Your friend of shadow and shine (as my buddy Matthew calls me.)Note:This episode speaks about presence, but not as a cure-all. Trauma and systemic harm are real, and many forms of suffering cannot be resolved through awareness alone. This work is not a substitute for professional support; therapy, medical care, sobriety, and other forms of skilled help are often essential. Take what’s useful, leave the rest, get professional support when needed, and please trust the timing of your own unfolding. Mentioned in Episode: Eckhart Tolle, The Power of NowRam Dass, Be Here Now“What a caterpillar calls the end of the world we call a butterfly.” ― Eckhart Tolle

In this episode (which doesn't have a single edit), I finally sit down with my dearest friend, and a huge inspiration to me—Professor Dr. David Tripp. Together we rest in his nest in East LA and think out loud together, moving slowly and sideways through things like (but not limited to) philosophy, queer theory, feminist killjoys, the void, hope, power dynamics, authority figures, the human chorus, and our lived experiences. Trying to give this a proper synopsis feels impossible so I’m going to keep this brief and simply encourage you to listen. And please do message me and share your thoughts if you feel inspired. Huge thanks again to my dude Dr. David Tripp. I cherish you. xSylvia Content WarningThis episode includes swearing and unsanitized conversations about power, queerness, failure, and the emotional costs of optimism under capitalism. We touch on themes of disillusionment, grief, domestication, and the unraveling of inherited life scripts, which may feel activating for listeners navigating identity, belonging, or burnout. Please listen with care and leave what doesn’t serve you.Some of the books + thinkers referenced in the episode: (my sincere apologies if I’m missing someone) Jack HalberstamThe Queer Art of Failure (2011), Duke University PressReframes failure as a queer strategy that resists capitalist ideas of success, productivity, and linear progress.Jack HalberstamIn a Queer Time and Place (2005), New York University PressIntroduces queer temporality as a disruption of normative timelines around adulthood, reproduction, and achievement.Lauren BerlantCruel Optimism (2011), Duke University PressNames the way we stay attached to hopes and fantasies that once promised survival but now block our flourishing.Sara AhmedWillful Subjects (2014), Duke University PressExplores how refusal and noncompliance are framed as problems when they interrupt social norms and power.Sara AhmedLiving a Feminist Life (2017), Duke University PressIntroduces the Feminist Killjoy and examines how happiness and positivity function as tools of social control.James C. ScottSeeing Like a State (1998), Yale University PressReferenced in relation to legibility, domestication, and the dangers of systems that demand simplification and compliance.Michel FoucaultSelected writings Referenced in relation to how power operates through normalization, self-surveillance, and internalized control rather than overt force.

Krishnamurti said it and I f*cking agree:"It is no measure of health to be well-adjusted to a profoundly sick society." In episode 10 we get into Charli xcx, Jack Halberstam’s The Queer Art of Failure, and the false binary between “high” and “low” art, theory, and intelligence. I read and briefly unpack parts of Halberstam’s introduction on low theory (yes, SpongeBob shows up) and explore how failure, under certain conditions, can function as a portal rather than a deficit. A way out of the punishing, heteronormative, capitalist script of success that tells us who to be, what to want, and how a life is supposed to look.We peep into toxic positivity, the myth of personal responsibility, and why the desire to be taken seriously so often turns into obedience. This is not a romanticization of struggle, and it is not a denial of structural conditions. Context matters. Power, privilege, race, class, gender, and access matter. And still, there is something radical about refusing domestication, questioning the metrics you inherited, and letting yourself imagine and inhabit alternative ways of being that feel more alive, more honest, and more yours. This is a teaser episode ahead of next week’s conversation with Dr. David Tripp, where we’ll go deeper into failure, refusal, and postmodern ways of knowing and unknowing— or really whatever the fuck naturally comes up when we meet. Stay ungovernable and incorruptible. And of course tender when possible. xSylvia Content Warning:Per usual I cuss a lot. Nothing graphic, but this episode engages with themes of failure, success, capitalism, heteronormativity, toxic positivity, and systems of power. It may feel activating for listeners reflecting on their own relationship to achievement, worth, or cultural conditioning. Please listen with care. Take what lands and leave the rest.References and Touchstones• Charli XCX, Substack writings, including reflections on high and low culture from her essay “The Death of Cool” • Jack Halberstam, The Queer Art of Failure (Introduction pages 1-6)• SpongeBob SquarePants (as cited in Halberstam’s introduction on low theory) • Little Miss Sunshine (2006), dir. Jonathan Dayton and Valerie Faris, written by Michael Arndt• Barbara Ehrenreich, Bright-Sided: How the Relentless Promotion of Positive Thinking Has Undermined America • J. Krishnamurti: “It is no measure of health to be well-adjusted to a profoundly sick society.”Quote from Charlie xcx essay I mention in the episode:“My fascination with the combination of high and low has always been a big driver within my work. People who are interested in things deemed as high brow or high art or left of centre seem to feel that undercutting art with something low brow or mass produced degrades the work and people who are more interested in things deemed as low art or popular or utilizing a directness in language seem to find the acknowledgement of theory or history as pretentious. I enjoy the in-between space that this creates. There’s definitely something antagonistic about it and whilst I like that my work can sometimes lead to these sorts of conversations and yes, sometimes shock tactics are funny to me and bring me joy, the integrity of the initial work always has to come first for me to be truly interested in the work itself. If creating something does not come from a truthful and meaningful place within the artist, if it doesn’t in ways wear it’s heart on it’s sleeve, then in my opinion the work is totally fucking DOA.”

Believing in magic is not naïve but a refusal to bow to the machine. In episode 9, I share some Santa stories and make the case that enchantment is both a survival strategy and a spiritual inheritance. Magic is what happens when we refuse to collapse into the grid and instead relate to the world as if it’s alive, responsive, and in conversation with us. Like kids naturally do with openness, curiosity, wonderment, and imagination. The loss of enchantment is not natural; it’s engineered, and recovering can be a form of decolonial re-membering while repairing our hearts and minds. “Santa” is this season’s safe word and a reminder when you hear it and see it to believe in miracles and magic despite being told it’s not realistic, logical, pragmatic, or responsible. Fuck that. That conditioning is a killjoy. Letting magic back in is life giving and an act of rebellion, not to mention a straight up refusal to be indoctrinated by the grid. Simply put: Embracing the magic is a gateway drug to more aliveness and presence; and who doesn’t want to feel more alive? Exactly. Content Warning:Nothing graphic, but the themes tread into myth-breaking and systems analysis that may feel activating for listeners exploring their own childhood stories or spiritual lineage. It may kick up some grief. It sure did for me. Please be gentle. And as always, take what lands and leave the rest. With love, Sylvia

An icon, example, and exploration of art as resistance.From burnout to the nourishment of Jean-Michel Basquiat, episode 8 is a dip into art as resistance. GOD HOW I’M GRATEFUL FOR ART AND ARTISTS. I’m back in Los Angeles for a hot minute, and beginning to come back online thanks to some solo time, and a watching of The Radiant Child doc by director Tamra Davis about the brilliant and beautiful Basquiat. Thank the fucking cosmos for art and the way it gives me life and helps me make meaning during these wild times. But yeah, I basically unpack how radical art breaks the grid and gives us a blueprint for presence, resistance, and the relational revolution I believe is upon us. Per usual, take what works and leave the rest. xSylvia SUGGESTION:Especially during this black Friday bullshit, please consider supporting an uncompromised artist this week. Buy a piece, tip a creator, subscribe to a substack, or donate to a mutual aid arts collective in your city. REFERENCES: Film: The Radiant Child, Tamra Davis (Basquiat documentary)Writers and thinkers referenced in the episode: Jean-Michel Basquiat, Michel Foucault, Bell Hooks, Rainer Maria Rilke, Thoreau, EmersonSuggested reads: Basquiat interviews and catalogues, Bell Hooks essays on art and identity, Foucault on power and institutions

The power (and magic) of letting difficulty work on us instead of sprinting to fix, numb, name, or outrun it. In this episode, I read from Rilke’s Letters to a Young Poet and let his words drag us straight into the deep end of sadness, solitude, and the unknown— but not in a depressing way I swear. I riff (and basically just agree with him) on the power (and magic) of letting difficulty work on us instead of sprinting to fix, numb, name, or outrun it. xSylvia ReferencesRainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young PoetRabia (line referenced: “I was born when all I once feared I could love”)Content WarningThe themes go deep per usual so take care of yourself however you need.

A quick dip into corruption, karma, consciousness, and sharing power.In this episode, I speak from inside some burnout and outrage about political rot, spiritual amnesia, astrology, past lives, and the predator class that thrives on our distraction and brainwashing. I read an unedited piece I wrote before the last election, a mix of satire and rage, then reflect on what it means to keep loving, listening, and believing in balance when everything feels fucked up.For me, the central message is that even in decay, grace persists, and when power consolidates, consciousness must keep diversifying. We fight systems not only through activism, but through inner coherence and refusing to replicate domination in ourselves, our art, or our relationships.As always, take what lands and leave the rest.PS: if you fancy, go check out some of my favorite people who actually know the science of astrology and speak to it far better than I. Dr. Mindy Nettifee: https://open.substack.com/pub/drmindynettifee?r=9og8b&utm_medium=iosEmbodied Astrology:  https://open.spotify.com/show/0L0j6X6cf3DO1Bs0D0K4Ch?si=afyU1fJ_TvC_Om_r7VpxmwIntuitive Astrology: https://open.spotify.com/show/2hrdS4LO2SriBtWsLYycL6?si=XuaPa6qdTf6PL-rLqiv55QQuiet Mind Astrology: https://open.spotify.com/show/1sx3j1Q2AcUVGShxVlEMOB?si=fTp2EWZ8QFK2gED481PDVQTrigger Warning: This episode includes strong language, political critique, references to systemic violence, exploitation, and corruption. Dip out if you need to.

Challenging the stories we tell ourselves and holding it all gently. In this episode, I unravel some of the stories I’ve told myself to feel safe—the myths of being “the good one,” “the honest one.” I talk about being present to my own contradictions, and the power that comes from holding all that with a fuck ton of gentleness. Take what lands and leave the rest. xSylviaDISCLAIMERSI swear. A lot. I’m not a therapist, simply a feral learner/creative person. For adult audiences. NOTESLinda Howe’s book “Healing Through The Akashic Records.” My pal Jason who coined “consciously naked” and is also an insanely talented musician and brilliant human known as Raize. Soundcloud HERE and along with a MUSIC VIDEO I cut for him a few years back. I don’t have a chapter breakdown for you this week, because I don’t have time, but if you go to youtube or Spotify they generate them. Also, youtube has captions.

See what I did there :) Day of the Dead inspired (obviously.) Also, this one has video if you fancy that kind-of-thing. Episode 4 is an underworld field trip with rattlesnakes, childhood nightmares, climate dread, and embracing shady, shadowy gifts in disguise — plus how dreamwork can prep the nervous system to meet loss. Mostly this is about how I’ve learned to relate to death not as an ending, but as a doorway. It’s also a reminder that we don’t get through what’s coming (politically, ecologically, relationally) without grief literacy, tenderness, and some humor, among other necessary tools.This is the Substack essay “Rattle Snake or King Snake? You tell me.” I wrote over the summer and shared within episode. As always, take what lands and leave the rest. xSylvia Content warningAdult language and themes. Mentions of death, grief, parental mortality, climate collapse, U.S. politics and government harm (SNAP), spirituality/mysticism, Palestine, policing/state violence, trauma, and sex/relationships. Not advice or therapy. Take care of your nervous system and skip as needed.

Season 2, Episode 3. Unhinged gospel meets sonic diary. Basically lots of ocean vibes with very loose grid.Part meditation, part confession, part lucid stream-of-conscious riff about a bunch of random but also not so random topics. If Episode 1 was about listening as praxis, especially in the political realm, and Episode 2 was about the practice of holding structure and fluidity at once, Episode 3 is a dip into the deep end of the ocean side of things: poetry, wu wei, and all the other shit I’m obsessed with and love to talk about. Like how everything is a different container giving the formless form. Literally everything. Per usual, take what works and leave the rest.Poem for you by Hafiz: “The Sun in Drag”You are the sun in drag.You are God hiding from yourself.Remove all the “mine”—that is the veil.Why ever worry aboutAnything?Listen to what your friend HafizKnows for certain:The appearance of this worldIs a Magi’s brilliant trick, though its affairs areNothing into nothing.You are a divine elephant with amnesiaTrying to live in an antHole.Sweetheart, O sweetheartYou are God inDrag!Content warning: Adult language and themes. Mentions of sex, power, politics, spirituality, privilege, policing, trauma, and mental health. Not advice or therapy. Please take care and skip as needed. Mentioned:Water by Rumi, translated by Haleh Liza GaforiTao Te Ching, translation credited in your copy as R. B. Blakney

This week Mother-Nature decided we’d move from theory into practice as we talk (and I get to walk) Grid Logic and Ocean Logic as dialectical, living, breathing forces: structure and flow, containment and wildness, and what happens when they start working together instead of fighting for dominance. Most of the episode revolves around a convo that happened yesterday that reminded me what a self-righteous dickhead I can be when activated, and how said convo gave me the chance to practice what I preach.I also touch on this idea of sway and how it’s built into buildings and bridges so they don’t break, and how that metaphor is on point for seeing how Grid and Ocean can work together. And how we see that function pretty well not just in relational ways but creative ones too. Content noteLanguage; mention of patriarchy/sex work; interpersonal conflict. Lots of cussing. SIDE QUESTS FOR YOU: Both of these are mentioned in the episode and are serious throwbacks to early to mid 2000s. Enjoy. A.) In 2005 my friends and I made a short film called SWAY based on one of my journal entries. If you want to laugh with/at a 23 year old version of me (in the last thing I ever acted in) you can check that out HERE.B.) The amazing Ani Difranco song I mentioned called Buildings and Bridges where I first began to ponder this idea of sway being built into structures and how powerful that is. Thank you, Ani! Click HERE for that.

Welcome back to Season 2, Episode 1 of this unhinged gospel to the unknown. Season Two opens on a walk with Teddy through a Midwestern neighborhood and a thesis: grid logic, our culture’s fixation on control, binaries, and the attention economy, is choking civic and intimate life. The counter-practice is listening as praxis: a disciplined, transformative act that begins personally and scales politically. Listening not as submission, but as alchemy. Not as an answer, but a bridge. We get concrete: control dramas at the kitchen table, a Detroit dinner across political lines, how identity can harden into performance, why truth is discovered rather than declared, and what listening with boundaries looks like when harm is being sold as freedom.We are done mistaking noise for change. Truth is not declared; it is discovered. This is a call to coherence: start at home, hold multiple truths, and build people power beyond the algorithm.Contains explicit language and political critique. Encourages personal accountability, boundaries, and cross-difference dialogue. Treat my political takes as assessments, not verdicts. No one knows what the hell is going on. As always, take what works and leave the rest.xSylvia Credits / references (one-liners at the end of description)Nap Ministry → Tricia HerseyAudre Lorde, James Baldwin, Michel Foucault (conceptual references)Film nod: Joachim Trier, Sinners, Another Battle After Another

This isn’t closure it’s ignition. Season one closer from a lake in L.A. with the sun on my back and Teddy by my side. I look back at where this experiment started (Texas → Arizona → here) and what it’s been all about: living inside paradox and letting that space make us more alive. Presence, uncertainty, contradiction, and the messy, gorgeous practice of staying here now even when it’s hard as fuck.This episode is a reflection, a love note, and a challenge: how alive do you want to feel? How free? I talk meditation, story-breaking, self-soothing, conflict as intimacy—and why we don’t have to wait for the world to get its shit together, or for our grief and struggles to disappear, before claiming joy and aliveness right now.And because life loves a plot twist there’s even a lost keys saga at the very end that turned into a real-time parable about slowing down, trust, and providence.Take what resonates, leave the rest. Season two lands October 9th.Until then: stay present, stay ungovernable, and hold the paradox—because that shit is magic.xSylvia PS: In case you need a reminder of what holding the paradox means :) Not collapsing into either/or. Most of us want clean binaries—good/bad, right/wrong, here/there. Holding paradox means resisting that collapse and being able to sit with both at once.Example: “I feel grief and joy at the same time.” Instead of erasing one, you hold them together.Staying present with contradiction without forcing resolution. It’s a refusal to rush into false closure just to ease discomfort.Example: Being heartbroken about the world and alive with gratitude for a morning walk or whatever you fancy. You don’t have to pick one reality.Trusting that the tension itself is generative. The paradox is not a problem to be solved but a space where life, insight, and freedom happen.Example: The season’s thesis—fuck the finish line—you don’t need to “get there” because the paradox of being both lost and found is where vitality lives.So when I say “hold the paradox,” I’m suggesting it as a kind of compass: don’t fix it, don’t escape it, don’t smooth it over. Stay with it. Carry it. Let it pierce you. Let it open you. Over and over and over again…

Season one teaser.

Our entire unedited conversation in Zoomland, for better or for worse. You're welcome.This week, I finally deliver on my promise to bring you a guest—and not just any guest. Amy Landecker is a force: actor, writer, director, and fierce advocate for the queer community and more. You’ve seen her in Transparent, Your Honor, and now as the writer/director/star of her feature debut For Worse (premiering Valentine’s Day Weekend 2026).In our unedited, no-filter conversation, we go everywhere: life, death, intuition, sobriety, the binary, politics, why art matters, apologizing when we fuck up, how being down to not know is good for our love lives and art, the play she’s starring in this fall (⁠Caroline at the MMC Theater in NYC⁠), and how friends and lovers “don’t meet somewhere—they are in each other all along” (thanks, Rumi).We also quickly shout out ⁠Brave Trails⁠, an incredible queer non-profit creating safe, empowering spaces for LGBTQ+ youth. Look them up, send your kids, or donate if you can.Watch this week’s episode on ⁠Youtube⁠ or listen wherever you get your podcasts. Most importantly, stay ungovernable and incorruptible—because fuck fascism. Am I right? Right.xSylv

If you listen to only one episode, let it be this one. This conversation is the spine of the podcast—the one that retroactively reframes the entire season. Episode 10 is all about how we can unf*ck ourselves by uniting the personal and the political, the internal and the external, the somatic and the systemic.If you’ve been swimming in questions, navigating burnout, or feeling the ache of trying to make yourself fit inside a collapsing system—this one’s for you.I finally explore in the podcast the two distinct ways of knowing I’ve been exploring and writing about on Substack— Grid and Ocean Logic. As mentioned, I’m just building on the work of many others which are referenced below and in the episode. Grid Logic is the hidden internalized operating system of empire. Also, algorithm daddy. Binary, rigid, control-based. It says: define, decide, dominate—or disappear.It demands legibility, performance, and certainty—because its survival depends on keeping things fixed, ranked, profitable and extractable.It’s the voice that says “be clear or be discarded.”It’s the nervous system stuck in hypervigilance.It’s the checklist of what counts as success.It’s the fear that if you can’t explain it, it’s not real.It’s survival, but at the cost of aliveness.Ocean Logic is the deeper, older way of knowing. It’s quantum physics.Nonlinear, somatic, relational.It says: feel, notice, allow, listen—then choose.It doesn’t need to collapse paradox or erase ambiguity to be at peace.It’s the body’s quiet knowing before the mind catches up.It’s the space between words where truth lives.It’s what allows contradiction to become compost.It’s not about rejecting structure—it’s about finding rhythm.It’s not about bypassing discomfort—it’s about staying close to what’s real.It’s presence. It’s multiplicity. It’s the inner logic of liberation.Through stories, reflection, and frameworks—not as prescriptions but as invitations—we explore how these two logics shape everything: time, self-worth, productivity, capitalism, care, and love. I’m trying to give language to what you may have felt but not totally been able to name— or maybe you have and this deepens or expands that. It’s for anyone ready to soften out of over-functioning, trust their body’s knowing, loosen the grip of performance, and find their own rhythm in this holy shit show we find ourselves wading through. And we don’t stop at the binary. We explore what becomes possible when Grid and Ocean Logic are held in relationship—when structure and fluidity, intellect and intuition, resistance and receptivity get to dance.Let me clear—this is not self-fucking-help. This is self-remembrance. xSylvia PS: If you’d like to fiscally support this space/project, that would be greatly appreciated, and you can do so via: Zelle —> [email protected] Venmo —> @soltoppenproductionsThe essay’s I wrote and reference in the episode:https://wedontknowwithsylvia.substack.com/p/grid-logic-vs-ocean-logic-fck-thehttps://wedontknowwithsylvia.substack.com/p/ocean-logic-language-and-lineagebell hooks, Yearning: Race, Gender, and Cultural Politics (South End Press, 1990), especially the essay “Choosing the Margin as a Space of Radical Openness.”Gloria Anzaldúa, Borderlands/La Frontera: The New Mestiza (Aunt Lute Books, 1987).Ermanno Bencivenga, “Oceanic Logic” in Theories of the Logos (Springer, 2017).Alan Watts, The Way of Zen (Pantheon, 1957); also from various lectures and writings including Still the Mind and Eastern Wisdom, Modern Life.Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet, translated by Stephen Mitchell (Vintage, 1986).Michel Foucault, works on power/knowledge including Discipline and Punish and The History of Sexuality.Jack Halberstam, The Queer Art of Failure (Duke University Press, 2011).Also deeply influenced by: Queer theory Somatic and trauma-informed healingMysticism, recovery frameworks, and decolonial embodiment practices

The vibe is: We’re not okay. But we’re not alone. And we’re not powerless.This week’s unfiltered dispatch comes to you from the horizontal position in my bed, right before I passed out for a much-needed nap. We go from despair to devotion—without ever bypassing reality. I get into the state of the world—climate collapse, creeping fascism, corporate rot—and why staying tender, politicized, and present is more essential than ever.From L.A.’s scorched edges to back-alley conversations in Texas, this is a meditation on rage, resilience, and the refusal to go numb. We shoot the shit about the myth of the “cost of living,” explore how healthcare might be the thread that unites the 99%, and make the case that your nervous system is a political resource.This isn’t a checklist. It’s a call back to aliveness. I remind you: everybody matters. Everyone has a part to play in this cosmic clusterfuck of a dance. Patti Smith knew what was up when she said the people have the power to redeem the work of fools—don’t let them convince you otherwise.Also: echo chambers, righteous anger, and the quiet, world-shifting power of smiling at strangers. It starts macro, ends micro. And somewhere in the middle, there are seeds of hope—and the reminder that you’re not alone.As always—keep what works. Leave the rest.Until next week:Stay loving. Stay kind. Stay ungovernable and incorruptible.xSylvia

In this episode, I read and discuss with reverence the introduction from adrienne maree brown’s (she/they) book Pleasure Activism: The Politics of Feeling Good. All credit for the words I read goes to adrienne maree brown. I’m sharing these excerpts for commentary and educational purposes, as a way of unpacking and engaging with her ideas.Side note: Dear adrienne (and/or her publishers), if for some reason you’re not down with this, let me know and I’ll take this episode down in a heartbeat. A literal heartbeat. In Episode 08 of this unhinged gospel to the unknown, we explore why adrienne maree brown says that feeling good is a political act. I planned to read just a few pieces of her introduction, but it was so good I couldn’t stop. Think feral riffing, with adrienne’s opening chapter as the bones and flesh of it. Thanks to her writing, we unpack how capitalism and scarcity mindsets drain our aliveness, and why reclaiming pleasure—real, embodied, non-performative pleasure—is an act of resistance.As adrienne reminds us, “When you’re happy, it’s good for the world.” I hope you never forget that—and that you take time to wade in the gray area of it, because she also talks about “excess” and how that’s not what this is about.Listeners, if you resonate with what you hear, I hope you’ll buy her book and support her work because it’s fucking amazing. Here’s a direct link for purchase and description of the book from her website:“Pleasure Activism: The Politics of Feeling Good — adrienne’s first NY Times Bestseller, adrienne wrote and gathered these essays and interviews as a way to continue studying Audre Lorde’s luminous text The Uses of the Erotic as Power, and includes a lot of very practical texts on navigating sex and connection in the #MeToo era.”Thanks for tuning in—and as always, take what works and leave the rest.x Sylvia

Excavating The Porous Boundaries Between Art and Love. And How Aliveness is a Form of Resistance.This week, I take a walk through Eagle Rock, California, and reflect on what’s been surfacing—grief, impermanence, desire, and the wild fucking ride of trying to stay present when everything’s changing. I read a poem by the late queer poet and kindred Andrea Gibson, and share the ache of not just their loss, but the mourning of all the selves I’ve been… and the paradigms I’ve outgrown—romantic dynamics, old definitions of safety, professional identity, my life in LA. Maybe you relate? At the core of this episode—maybe this whole podcast—is the idea that aliveness is resistance. Not spiritual bypassing. Not performance. Just the act of staying with the mess, the grief, the beauty, and the bullshit as it tries to open us. I also start to unpack what love without possession might look like, and how I’ve shifted from trying to secure external scaffolding (a home base, marriage, etc) to cultivating internal rootedness.Side note for anyone with abandonment trauma: I fully get that “uncontained love” can feel like chaos or reenactment and I’m not saying any one way is right or wrong. I don’t go deep into that here, but know I’m holding that complexity in the background and change my mind about shit on the daily. I also scratch the surface on the topic of resentment, too— how it stifles love and creativity, but not what it might be trying to say underneath, which will be touched on more in a future episode. This one’s about opening, not closing.I wrap up up with Mary Oliver, a few tears, and a reminder that pleasure and play are powerful. In a future episode, I’ll dive deeper into that and how play can be post-capitalist strategy, trauma alchemy—and basically ocean logic in action.Thanks for being here. I appreciate you. Truly. xSylviaReferenced in this Episode:Andrea Gibson – “Slip Your Mind” Mary Oliver – “When Death Comes” “Man will choose the familiar hell over the unknown any day.”– Referenced quote (often attributed to Thomas Merton or Anaïs Nin, origin debated).“Coincidence is the universe’s way of remaining anonymous.”– Commonly attributed to Albert Einstein (mentioned near end of episode).Audre Lorde – Referenced re: The Erotic as Power and sensuality as resistance.Dr. Mindy Nettifee – Poet and thinker mentioned for insights on grief as transformation.The Nap Ministry / Tricia Hersey – Referenced for the idea of rest as resistance.FreePlay - Improvisation on Life and Art book mentioned by Stephen Nachmanovitch.

In this week’s episode, I sit down with my 83-year-old mom, Martha (who I bribed with a brownie) for a wide-ranging conversation that spans queerness, Catholicism, grid logic, Palestine, and Pac-Man. Well… this turned out to be more intense than I anticipated... what starts as a cozy chat between mother and daughter unspools into a much deeper exploration on how we inherit beliefs about gender, faith, politics, and identity—and what it takes to unlearn them and why it’s helpful to us.We discuss grid logic, how binaries and dominant narratives get reproduced (often without our consent), how we return to our intuitive selves, and how cultivating humility and presence can disrupt the systems that keep us divided. You’ll hear us laugh (I cry a little) and get fired up about stuff (mostly me), ultimately arriving with more questions than answers. This episode includes discussion of sensitive and complex topics such as queerness, intersex erasure, religion, and the ongoing genocide in Palestine. We do our best to hold multiple truths in this episode and we do it very imperfectly.Let me be clear: I am in solidarity with both Palestinian and Jewish lives. I unequivocally oppose antisemitism and the occupation and genocide happening in Palestine.There are threads here, especially around intersex identity, trans embodiment, and the deeper geopolitics of Palestine and Israel that deserve more time, care, and nuance than we could fully hold in this one conversation. We didn’t get to unpack as much as I would have liked.When it comes to intersex identity, I want to name clearly that intersex people have historically been erased, pathologized, and subjected to non-consensual medical procedures in the name of “normalcy.” This is part of what we mean when we talk about binaries and discomfort with the spectrum of embodiment. It’s a vast topic that deserves more space than we had time to give here and I am no expert. Please research yourself and remain open, curious, and willing to learn. All of our reflections are rooted in lived experience, not expertise, and we’re both constantly learning and unlearning. My hope is that this episode sparks reflection, dialogue, and deeper listening—encouraging us all to keep unlearning and learning together, one day at time, even when it’s messy (and when we’ll probably need to make amends.)I do hope you’ll stay curious, do your own research, and seek out voices and resources from those directly impacted—especially when it comes to issues of identity, colonization, and liberation.As always, take what works and leave the rest. xSylvia

Burned out on my own obsession—but still showed up to talk ocean logic, grid logic, and why Alan Watts knows what the f*ck is up.My mind is toast after a week of spiraling (lovingly) on ocean and grid logic—mentally, emotionally, and in my Substack—while editing several projects. I basically burned out on my own obsession (very classic of me), and now I’m over it… for the moment 😅But I practiced hardcore contrary action and recorded and edited this bitch on schedule despite all my exhaustion and resistance. Go me. Yes, I’m proud of myself. It nearly broke my brain.In this one, I touch lightly on the ocean/grid logic framework I’ve been fucking with. If you haven’t read the Substack yet, I highly recommend peeping it as it’ll help orient you for future convos and shared language.What’s inside this short but sweet episode:A taste of ocean logic vs. grid logic and the scripts we inherit A parable from Alan Watts on duality + paradoxBasically a lo-fi creative offering on uncertainty and progress not perfection from a tired, PMSing, foggy humanYou’re welcome. Lol. Thank you for listening—and for all the lovely feedback so far. It means the world.x Sylvia“The whole process of nature is an integrated process of immense complexity, and it’s really impossible to tell whether anything that happens in it is good or bad—because you never know what will be the consequences of misfortune; or you never know what will be the consequences of good fortune.”— Alan Watts

Why owning your erotic power is actually one of the most radical and deeply important things you can do—for yourself and the world.After Dead Dad Week, I figured we could all use a palate cleanser—so Episode 4 is a sonic diary/love letter to Uses of the Erotic: The Erotic as Power by Audre Lorde—poet, prophet, and a gift to this wild, unruly world.We read through her iconic 5-page (I think I accidentally said 7 in the podcast) essay and shoot the shit about why it’s life-altering. I don’t just read Uses of the Erotic—I interweave it with my lived experience: grief, queerness, neurodivergence, embodiment, friendship, burnout, and desire.This isn’t about porn or performance—it’s about our life force, and how we use it. Legendary Lorde talks about the erotic as a deeply spiritual plane—not just sexual, but cellular. Cosmic, really. It’s a felt sense of truth that lives in the body, that guides us toward integrity, aliveness, and mother-fucking joy.It’s about the quiet kind of knowing that makes you walk away from what no longer fits, even if there’s no logical backup plan. It’s about longing as sacred—something to be listened to, not repressed. Risk as devotion to your inner voice.She also helps us understand why the erotic is not just personal, but political—and why reclaiming your erotic power is actually one of the most radical and deeply important things you can do. For yourself. And for the world.It’s not just hot. It’s holy.Heartfelt thanks again to Audre Lorde—for her work, her presence, and all the people connected to her who’ve carried this discourse forward. I’m forever grateful for the way her words wake us up—when we let them.If you’re like me, I need to read and listen to things to really digest, so here is the link to her essay if you’re inspired to follow along. As always - take what works and leave the rest. Thank you for listening. xSylvia

Cheers to Death, Destruction, and the Gifts Hiding in Our Shady Shadow Shit.Episode 03 was recorded here in L.A. during what I call Dead Dad Week — Father’s Day, my dad’s birthday, and the anniversary of his death all rolled into one.I talk about what it means to feel my dad visit — in a real-ass, unmasked, sixth-sense kind of way (which, by the way, is a sense I believe we all have, if we nourish it).I don’t unpack all the ways that’s shown up or shaped me in this episode — I didn’t have the bandwidth to open that particular Pandora’s box — but I name it. More on that to come.I do go into why I think death, aging, loss, failure, and all our dark, shady shadow shit might actually be gifts in disguise. I mention Jack Halberstam and his radical POV on failure, and I promise a quote and more to come on him and that. Here is said quote:“Under certain circumstances failing, losing, forgetting, unmaking, undoing, unbecoming, not knowing, may in fact offer more creative, more cooperative, more surprising ways of being in the world.”Most importantly, the reminder that we are enough right now — even when we’re tits-deep in the mess and chaos. Especially then.All the episodes are always for mature audiences only. Cussing and taboo topics galore. Trigger warning. Again, I’m not a therapist. This isn’t Somatics 101 or a self-help podcast. It’s personal, imperfect, and not prescriptive. Take what works. Leave the rest.PS: Next week we're going to get into not knowing and how it relates to the erotic as a place of power—some deep Audre Lorde–inspired shit, you know?I mean, I think that’s what Episode 04 will probably explore… how joy, fun, play, craft, art, and pleasure all explode + multiply when presence and not knowing collide in creative and sexy spaces. Idk. We’ll see what comes through. Zero promises made. I know, I’m a tease. Not sorry.

Fuck the buzzwords—in this second episode I talk about what I think presence actually costs, and what it can give, plus more...Episode 02 of this unhinged gospel to the unknown was recorded in the high desert of Arizona . It builds on last week’s intro—laying more foundation for the feral playground we’re creating here: one that embraces uncertainty, cultivates solidarity, and challenges the status quo.This is for mature audiences only. I swear a lot, and be warned, this episode also includes mentions of death, trauma, sex, and other potentially triggering themes.Let me be clear (again):This is not a self-help podcast.This is not Somatics 101.I am not your therapist—or an expert in anything. You know your body best. Take care of yourself—always.Disclaimers like this matter. We’re talking about things that require being in your body—and there are very real reasons many of us haven’t felt safe to do that. I respect that. I honor that. I’ve lived that.In this episode, I get more personal about this, and why I’m obsessed with the practice of embracing not knowing.Spoiler: my dad was in an accident that left him brain damaged and confined to a nursing home for 23 years of my life.I weave through death, loss, sex, drugs, values, personal safety, thoughts on performance and presence— plus how insufferable Instagram therapy buzzwords can be at times.Everything I share is personal, not prescriptive. Take what works. Leave the rest. And if something feels too activating, turn it off. Seriously. Everyone is welcome, but this isn’t for everyone, and that's okay.

Episode 1: An introduction to what this unhinged gospel to the unknown will attempt to explore—and a little about your host, Sylvia Saether (queer, feral, tender, and definitely not an expert).This space is messy. It’s unscripted. It’s full of questions and cussing. Consider yourself warned.Some rules of engagement:​ I’m not a therapist, coach, or authority on anything.​ If you’re struggling, please seek actual professional support.​ You don’t have to agree with me to be here—but don’t be a dick.​ Openness and curiosity are all that’s required.​ Take what works. Leave the rest.Pictures + video of Teddy and the hike on Substack: https://substack.com/@wedontknowwithsylviaLet’s begin.xSylvia