Scared of Love, Scared of Loneliness – Avoidant Attachment and the Myth of Butterflies

Media Links:Website: delvepsych.comInstagram: @delvepsychchicagoYouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@DelvePsych20Substack: https://delvepsych.substack.com/ParticipantsHosts: Ali McGarel, Adam FominayaOverview of Big IdeasWelcoming new interns at Delve and the value of training fresh therapists from day one.Reddit question: “Scared of Being Alone and Scared of Being in a Relationship.”Avoidant attachment patterns—wanting closeness, then withdrawing when intimacy grows.How early caregiver relationships can shape (but not permanently define) adult attachment.Attachment as a relational stance, not a fixed identity—people may shift styles depending on the partner and context.The role of emotions in dating: “butterflies” often signal anxiety, not destiny.Relationships inevitably include boredom, irritation, and conflict alongside love.Feelings can’t reveal objective truths about a partner—perceptions are shaped by bias and brain shortcuts.Working with primary vs. secondary emotions—anger as a cover for deeper feelings.Breakdown of SegmentsOpening & Announcements – Ali and Adam share updates about Delve’s services, Substack, and the excitement of new intern orientation.Introducing the Reddit Question – Reading and unpacking a post about fear of both commitment and loneliness.Attachment Styles 101 – Explanation of secure, anxious, and avoidant attachment, with examples and clinical nuances.Nature vs. Nurture in Attachment – How childhood experiences shape tendencies, but also how adult relationships can shift them.Emotions in Relationships – Debunking the myth of constant butterflies; discussing the “misattribution of arousal” and why calm can feel like boredom.Long-Term Relationship Reality – Stability over thrill, and how “boring” can mean secure and healthy.Primary vs. Secondary Emotions – Anger as a protective layer over deeper feelings like fear, hurt, or embarrassment.Closing Thoughts – Advice for the Redditor, plus reflections on choosing partnership intentionally rather than by chasing chemistry.ReferencesBowlby, J., & Ainsworth, M. (Attachment theory origins)Kirkpatrick, L. A., & Davis, K. E. (1994). Attachment style, gender, and relationship stability. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.Fraley, R. C., et al. (2021). Do life events lead to enduring changes in adult attachment styles? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.Dutton, D. G., & Aron, A. P. (1974). Some evidence for heightened sexual attraction under conditions of high anxiety. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. (Capilano Suspension Bridge study)Lisa Feldman Barrett (Research on emotions and affective science)