Selective Memory

When I was 8 years old, the University of Pennsylvania quarterback came to our house for Thanksgiving dinnerHe didn’t have time to travel home between games and we were happy to have a local celebrity join usAfter dinner, he’d told us about his summer job at a sugar millSuffice it to say, I remember every word of that conversationAnd it is front and center literally every time I encounter white sugarThat was nearly 50 years agoHow many times do you think I’ve encountered white sugar?Lots of times.He wasn’t even talking to me. He probably barely noticed I was in the roomBut his casual words have visited me many thousands of times over the yearsHere’s my question:Why can’t I pick the ones that flood me like that?I spend a lot of time being conscious about my thoughts - sometimes easy, sometimes difficultBut you never know what left-field comment is going to stick.Happily a few decades ago, someone said a single sentence about how easy laundry was for themAnd laundry has been no big deal to me ever since(Though I’m sorry to say I do not remember what the sentence was!)But, this developed a theory in me:I imagine a young woman working in a baroque bakeryPregnant. Scared. Sweeping the floor.An older woman comes in with her baby grandchildAs they wait in line, the grandmother delights in every coo, every giggleAnd when this little child tastes her first cookie, it’s as if the whole bakery transformsThe young woman watches. Sweeping. The joy contagious.She chooses to have the child.Let’s say her child turns out to be MozartWho, then, do we have to thank for The Magic Flute?Mozart? His mother? Some unnamed woman from Mozart’s mother’s past? The child? The baker?I think we play this role for each other all the timeWe have no idea the various graces that support our trajectoryOr the casual cautions that provide subtle guardrails on our pathBut our identity, beliefs and storiesHave been shaped by every single being we’ve ever encounteredWe think we’re the sculptorBut we’re very much the clayAnd for every intentional habit or thought, every chisel we wield in our shapingWe’re matched by the impact of erosion, plate tectonics and gravityForces all around us, beyond our controlHaving their way with usIt’s worth keeping in mindWe’re shaping each other much more than we know This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com