Sex Toys: Are They Bridging the “Orgasm Gap”?

If you opened the drawer of 53 % of women’s bedside tables, you’d find a vibrator or two. We’ve finally reached a tipping point that makes owning a sex toy pretty normal.Thank goodness! According to data released last year, sex toys are a $15 billion industry, making them more mainstream than ever. Today, women’s pleasure is now a primary focus of the sex toy industry, and vibrators for solo and partner sex is a big part of women’s pleasure.Sexual accessories like masturbation toys are a shame-free part of a healthy woman’s private sex life. Yet, according to studies, many of these women who enjoy their private time with their vibrators are hesitant to “invite their toys to the party” when they have sex with their partner.I coach people of all ages and cultures who’ve expressed reluctance to include sex toys in their intimate time with a partner. They either suspect (or have been told) that their partner is worried a good vibrator will replace them in the bedroom. I’ve heard this point of view for decades now and I have to say, it’s getting a little old. We need to have an honest and open conversation about what sex toys offer (and don’t offer) the women who own them.Hello science!A few years ago, researcher Laurie Mintz identified heterosexual women as the group least sexually satisfied when it came to sex. According to recent studies by the Kinsey Institute, 80 % of women from ages 18 to 94 report they cannot reach orgasm through intercourse alone and need some other form of stimulation. Compare this to 94 % of men who say they do reach orgasm from intercourse.This is referred to as the “Orgasm Gap” and when these statistics hit the news, pretty much every media outlet and magazine was talking about it.Sadly, only in the last twenty years has the clitoris been acknowledged for the role it plays in a woman’s orgasmic satisfaction. Isn’t that incredible? Until recently, very little was known about female sexual arousal and a woman’s path to orgasm. Dating back to the 15th century, research on female sexuality has been ignored, suppressed, and dismissed as unworthy of scientific study. Mintz argues that the primary reason for this form of gender inequality stems from “our cultural ignorance of the clitoris” and that it is commonplace to “mislabel women’s genitals by the one part (the vagina) that gives men, but not women, reliable orgasms.” Research explains what women have always known: the vaginal canal is designed for insemination and birthing. In and of itself, it’s not where women find their most orgasmic pleasure — at least, not on its own.With the advent of MRI technology, we’ve come to understand that the clitoris is a much larger organ than was previously understood. What we call the “clit” is just the visible part of an organ that goes much further beneath the skin’s surface and plays a much larger role in a woman’s orgasmic capacity than the vagina.The clitoris has 8,000 sensitive nerve endings (double the amount of a penis). Its internal structure has arms that extend down from the visible nub, wrapping around the vaginal opening. It also reaches back into a woman’s G-Spot area, just inside the vagina. The entire clitoral structure contributes to both external and internal orgasms. One of the more interesting acknowledgments from the scientific community is that the clitoris is unique in that its sole purpose is sexual pleasure. It’s the only human organ dedicated to arousal.Women’s sexual pleasure, and how it actually works, has finally taken its rightful place in the world of scientific study. Men are welcome to come along for the ride, if they’re willing to adapt to what we now know about enhancing their female partner’s orgasmic experience. Keep in mind that studies of the female orgasm and clitoral research are still news to most people. It’s unfolding before our eyes as science gets its head out of the sand and finally turns its attention to female sexuality and arousal.As is often the case, profit opportunities are never far behind cultural shifts and trends. We now have a female-centric industry of sex toys designed to optimize women’s sexual pleasure, many of which are focused on the female orgasm (inside and outside), using the latest vibration technology. Walk into any well-provisioned sex shop and you’ll find entire walls displaying dozens of different makes and models, as well as educated sale clerks who are very used to answering the most intimate questions.Sex toys are playing a primary role in the evolution of female sexuality and (in my opinion) can play an important part in a couple’s sex life. (Therapists of yesteryear didn’t refer to them as “marital aids” for no reason!)A cornerstone of a great sex life is communication. Discussing sex toys with your partner opens the door to sharing desires and asking for what you want. The more you can talk about these things together, the more likely your sex life with your partner will be active, honest, and enjoyable!When a couple initiates a conversation about sex toys, they are* making sex and intimacy a natural topic of conversation (Yay!);* acknowledging that sexual pleasure matters for both partners;* agreeing to explore as a team, and open their minds to new ways* of giving and receiving pleasure;* actively bringing variety and novelty into their sex life; and* committing to a life of pleasure and play together.If an initial vibrator turns out to be a gateway to other sex toys, so be it! Scroll through an online store to learn about what’s new on the market or visit one of the many women-friendly sex toy stores, now commonly found in most urban centers. It’s a fun and exciting adventure for a couple. Every year, new designs, new technology, and new materials offer couples new orgasmic experiences. (You know couples are breaking out the toys together just by watching the new designs for couple’s vibrators hitting the market. Vibration, as a pathway to arousal, is not going away.)Heterosexual men, please rest assured that you will not be replaced by a vibrator! A vibrator won’t seduce your partner. It can’t whisper in her ear. It doesn’t have a warm body to press up against or hold in the afterglow.When it comes to a blood-pumping, energy-flowing, pheromone- charged experience, nothing beats the real human deal! But, here the thing, when you welcome toys into your sex life, you’re supporting your partner’s connection with their own body and their own orgasmic pleasure.Ask your female partner to pull out her favorite toy from her bedside drawer and show you how she likes to use it. Learn how to use it on each other. Explore each other’s many erogenous zones. You may discover your own vibrational pleasures. Some vibrators are designed specifically for the male body.By closing the Orgasm Gap in your relationship (however you do it), your female partner will suddenly become a lot more interested in planning your next party. Trust me. :)If you found this post valuable, like, restack or share. Thank you! You can read all my posted chapters in The Turned-On Couple. The Turned-On Couple Community is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe