Shame & Online Dating: From Self-Erasure to Self-Worth with Amanda Quinby, PhD

In this episode of Untethering Shame, Kyira sits down with psychologist Amanda Quinby, PhD, to explore one of the most shame-charged arenas of modern life: online dating. From crafting the “perfect” profile to surviving ghosting, Amanda breaks down how dating apps become a minefield of comparison, self-doubt, and performance — and how to move toward fit and authenticity instead of chasing approval.Together, they unpack the difference between dating to be chosen versus dating for alignment, and how slowing down, listening to your body, and treating your feelings as data can turn online dating into a powerful mirror for healing rather than a constant referendum on your worth.In this episode, we explore:Why online dating feels so brutalHow apps amplify shame through constant choice, comparison, and perfectionist language (“perfect profile,” “best first message,” “most attractive photos”).Shame, rejection, and the “job application” feelingThe pressure of presenting yourself as “pickable,” and how every swipe or silence can feel like proof that you’re not enough, attractive enough, or interesting enough.Performance dating vs. fit datingThe difference between contorting yourself to be chosen and staying grounded in who you are — and why “we never fight” early on is often a red flag for performance, not compatibility.Body image, photos, and the urge to hideHow shame around appearance shows up in profile pictures, filters, and the instinct to conceal parts of yourself — and how that reinforces old stories about being “too much” or “not enough.”Ghosting, uncertainty, and the stories we tell ourselvesWhy our brains hate not knowing, how we fill in the gaps with self-blame, and gentler ways to sit with uncertainty without turning every unanswered text into a character indictment.Scarcity, settling, and eroding your own needsHow loneliness and timelines (“I should have found someone by now”) can push us to ignore red flags, override our bodies, and stay in misaligned connections “because at least it’s someone.”Feelings as data, not verdictsAmanda’s invitation to slow down, notice how you feel in and after interactions, and ask: “Is this shame talking, or is this my system telling me this isn’t a good fit?”Online dating as an opportunity for growthHow the process will inevitably bring your “stuff” to the surface — and how, with support and self-compassion, it can become a powerful space for practicing self-trust, boundaries, and authenticity.More about Amanda:Dr. Amanda Lynne Quinby is a clinical psychologist working in private practice in Bloomington, IN.  Amanda works with adult professionals struggling with life transitions, such as going through a divorce, making a career transition, or relocating, and is passionate about incorporating the topics of self-compassion, vulnerability, and self-care into her work.  Personally, she is an avid reader, partner, ballroom dancer, music lover, and dog mom.Connect with Amanda:WebsiteReady to take the next step?Download the FREE handout, "5 Things Shame Resilient People Do Every Day" and start making those daily shifts to break that shame cycle that's keeping you stuck in that negative headspace.Book a free 25-minute discovery call to discuss different program options and find the support best fits your needs.Stay Connected:Subscribe to the podcast on Spotify or Apple Podcasts and be sure to leave a review to let us know your thoughts on this episode.YouTubeWebsite