Shame, Screens, and the Nervous System: Why Willpower Isn’t the Problem with Abby Payne

I am so excited for this conversation today because it’s one I have personally been sitting with, wrestling with, and actively experimenting with over the past few weeks.We are welcoming back the incredible Abby Payne, who many of you remember from our first episode together on people-pleasing, self-worth wounds, and the nervous system. And today, we’re exploring a topic that affects every single one of us (sometimes quietly, sometimes loudly) and almost always with shame: our relationship with screens.Abby has recently shifted her work to focus on screen time and nervous system coaching, and her Digital Detox program is one of the most compassionate, science-backed approaches I’ve ever seen. She teaches that screen struggles aren’t about willpower; they’re about dopamine, nervous system regulation, and the parts of us that use screens for safety, escape, comfort, or protection. And that shift alone was so freeing.Because here’s the thing: our devices are built to keep us hooked. Our brains adapt. Our nervous system learns. And when we try to “just stop scrolling,” we’re not battling laziness: we’re bumping up against actual neurobiology.And I can tell you from my own experience working with Abby these last few weeks, the shame we feel around screen use (the guilt, the hiding, the beating ourselves up for not sticking to limits) actually makes everything worse. She helped me understand why the patterns I had with my phone made perfect sense given my nervous system, my habits, my lifestyle, and the stress I carry.Today, we’re unpacking:Why screens feel addictiveHow shame deepens the cycleWhy willpower doesn’t workHow to use compassion and structure to create a different kind of relationshipAnd how to build a system where you own your device, not the other way aroundWhether you’ve felt tethered to your phone, overwhelmed by notifications, guilty about scrolling at night, or frustrated with the constant pull to “just check one more thing,” this episode is going to make you feel so much less alone, and so much more empowered.Let’s get into it.More About AbbyAbby Payne is a Screen Time & Nervous System Coach, registered nurse, and creator of the Digital Detox course, a science-backed, spiritually grounded program that helps overwhelmed professionals rebuild a healthier relationship with their devices. As someone who has helped countless people step out of shame and into intentional living, Abby specializes in showing that screen time struggles aren’t a willpower issue; they’re a strategy issue. She blends neuroscience, habit change, nervous system regulation, and spiritual presence to help people understand why they get pulled into their screens and how to break the cycle with compassion instead of guilt.Connect with AbbyDigital Detox Program: https://www.nurseabbyllc.com/digital-detoxScreenZen Setup Video: https://ko-fi.com/s/45d20c5be0Substack: https://mossontherocks.substack.com/App & Resources MentionedScreenZen App (Apple App Store): https://apps.apple.com/us/app/screenzen-screen-time-control/id1541027222Get Connected.★ Subscribe to my YouTube channel★ Sign up for my email list: https://adversityrising.com/email-list★ Listen to my Podcast: https://open.spotify.com/show/2AouludJr7EweOkMIN9s42?si=d8cdfcb925ce4c9c Take the Next Step.★ Download the FREE handout, "5 Things Shame Resilient People do Every Day" and start making those daily shifts to break that shame cycle that's keeping you stuck in that negative headspace. www.adversityrising.com/become-shame-resilient ★ Book a free 25-minute discovery call to discuss different program options and find the support best fits your needs. https://calendly.com/adversityrising/discovery-call★ Are you a people pleaser? Ruminator? Over-extender? Sign up for the next round of Liberated Living and implement the radical 3 practice — Radical Acceptance, Radical Responsibility & Radical Authorship: https://adversityrising.com/liberated-living