Sitting Beside Myself

Just as engaging my posture and breath almost immediately soothes my nervous systemLooking for a job almost immediately agitates itI can psych myself conceptually about a new industry or tacticBut when fingers hit keyboard and resumes are uploaded, i don’t last longBreaths are taken, calm is resumedBut eventually i’m back to the application processAnd the compounding rejection is almost comically consistent month after monthI recently counseled someone to apply their own somatic teachings to their business modelSo, how do I apply my life philosophy to my employment status?I believe that everything is divineSo this situation is - and only my resistance to it is the source of my painOK, I can see thatBut how to live with this without yo-yo’ing between calm and exasperation?I’m not sureAnd this may be processing more than my usual postsBut a candid exploration feels like it might be productive.My father was diagnosed with a terminal illness when I was 6Leaving my mom to manage treatments and 5 kidsAs the youngest, I’d determined that being helpful would be the way I’d earn loveAnd i was very helpfulMany years later, when I became ill, it was a real identity crisis to need help instead of give itAnd i thought i’d come a long wayBut i can feel how absolutely intolerable it is for me to not pull my weightThe desperation not contributing profoundly elicitsNow, I’m completely clear that I contribute enormously to my family in many important waysBut there’s something about this financial piece that’s stickyAnd the left foot/right foot of calm surrender and hopeful/dubious/exhausted effort I’ve been approaching this withIs not moving the needleNow, I’m a smart, sensitive humanRepeating this non-working pattern so intensely makes no senseI’m clearly touching a part that isn’t appropriately resourcedEven as I’ve been pouring processes, rituals and space into itThe ache to succeed, to participate, to be valuable remains.When I was in great physical painSometimes I would imagine myself and my painSitting next to each other on adirondack chairs, looking out at a beautiful viewJust coexistingI found it helpful.I have been trying to be with my experience, my emotions, and my inconsistencies throughout this processBut I can now recognize I’ve been doing it with the intent to solve itYou can see how that’s panned out.So, with specific intention to simply be withI’m going to be sitting with this acheOverlooking a desert landscapeNot looking for an oasis or waiting for the sun to setBut with tender compassionFor myself and for the boundless pain that exists in the worldAnd its beauty as wellYou know I’ll keep you posted on how it goes. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com