Spiritual Bookshelf Episode 63 :How to Fail the Right Way ：When the Storm Hits – Part 6

Hey friends, welcome back to the show — I’m Phillip. Today I want to talk about a situation many of us have faced. Someone around us — a boss, coworker, or family member — suddenly becomes distant or cold. Their tone shifts, they sound impatient, and we start wondering: “Did I do something wrong?” Because we feel anxious, we rush to explain or fix things — and instead of improving the situation, it becomes more tense. So what should we do in moments like this?The first step is to calm ourselves before reacting. When someone pulls away emotionally, we tend to panic or confront them too quickly. But the situation may not be about us at all — they may be stressed, overwhelmed, or still processing their own emotions. Slowing down and creating a little emotional space gives room for a real conversation later.The second step is to shift from confrontation to caring curiosity. Instead of asking, “Are you mad at me?”, we can say, “I sense something might be going on — have you been under a lot of pressure lately?” or “If something I did bothered you, I’m willing to listen.” This communicates three things: I’m not here to fight, I see you’re not okay, and I’m open to understanding — which creates safety.The third step is to respect it when they’re not ready to talk. Sometimes “I’m fine” really means “I’m not ready yet.” We can simply say, “That’s okay — whenever you feel ready, I’ll be here.” This keeps connection open without pressure or interrogation.The fourth step applies when the issue does involve us. Many conflicts worsen because we explain too quickly instead of understanding first. When someone says, “That really hurt me,” instead of defending ourselves, we can respond, “I’m sorry it affected you that much — thank you for telling me.” Once emotions are acknowledged, our perspective will be easier to hear later.The fifth step is for situations where the person still feels distant. Sometimes they just need time — and sometimes it has little to do with us. We don’t need to chase, withdraw, or blame ourselves. A simple, steady response like “I respect where you’re at — I’ll be here if you want to talk” preserves both boundaries and kindness.Very often, another person’s emotional distance comes from stress, exhaustion, or their own inner struggles — not from anything we did. The healthier response is to steady our emotions, create space, and revisit the conversation when the time is right.I’d like to connect this to Amy Edmondson’s idea of situational awareness in Right Kind of Wrong. Not every mistake or problem requires the same reaction — we first need to understand what kind of situation we’re in. She explains three layers:Perception — noticing what is happening and recognizing emotional or behavioral shifts.Comprehension — understanding what those signals mean and whether the problem is simple or complex.Projection — thinking ahead: What happens if I react impulsively? Is patience the wiser move?Often, the real risk isn’t the failure itself — it’s misunderstanding the situation and reacting in the wrong way.We also see this in real life. When Steve Jobs was forced out of Apple, it looked like total failure — but he used that season to reflect, confront his ego, and grow as a leader. When he returned, he led with greater clarity, collaboration, and vision. What felt like collapse became a turning point for transformation.So when tension or misunderstanding shows up in our relationships, instead of asking, “Why is this happening to me?”, we can ask, “What is really going on here? What is this moment inviting me to notice or adjust?” Sometimes what feels like failure is actually an invitation to grow in awareness, compassion, and maturity.If this episode has been helpful, feel free to share it with someone who is trying hard but still feels a little afraid of failure. Thanks for spending this time with me.