Stop Knowing It. Start Doing It - How to Regulate In the Moment

If we are constantly still reacting, even if we know all the tools, then we aren’t exactly integrating nor creating a better life. We’ve just become a know-it-all and a preacher instead of an actual doer. I create doers here. I don’t let life pass me by and I’m not letting you either. So here’s how to regulate in the moment when something truly just pisses you off, and you no longer want to be an angry person. This came from a Threads question about road rage, let me tell you - as an Italian Bostonian, this one’s personal. What Is Regulating In the Moment? Regulating in the moment means catching your nervous system’s reaction while it’s happening… not an hour later when you’re journaling about it, not in therapy next Tuesday. It’s the difference between knowing regulation theory and actually being a regulated person. We want to lead by example, not by presentation. Why It Matters I posted on Threads asking “what do you actually want to know about regulation?” Someone said: “how do I regulate in the moment - like in moments of road rage.” A long time ago, I realized how insane and toxic it was to be upset all the time over someone else’s actions, actions I truly had no control over. So I have set out on a mission to fix this. And for those who are thinking “it’s okay to be a little pissy sometimes- take a look at this and maybe you will take this seriously: Harvard-affiliated researchers found that the risk of heart attack was roughly five times higher in the two hours following an outburst of anger. Your rage in traffic isn’t just annoying, it’s a cardiovascular event waiting to happen. So here’s how you actually learn to regulate, instead of just knowing you should. 1. Recognize the Problem Area If you’re in a fight with someone, are you letting your emotions control the show? Or are you sticking to the facts? With road rage specifically, could it have possibly been your fault? Or is someone just not paying attention? Did someone say something hurtful? Or are you just having a shitty day and a little thing set you off? WHAT is happening. Ground yourself in the reality of a situation so you can at least find the root cause of the problem. 2. Remember What You Can Control If someone is driving like a d!ck, you cannot pull them over and say “you’re being rude and endangering the lives of others.” Unless you’re a cop, go off my dude. What you can control is your own driving and your own response. When I catch myself thinking longer than 30 seconds about someone else’s actions that technically have zero effect on me, I ask one question: Do I want to spend my life upset over what other people choose to do? No. I do not. We have to remember we are the creator of our reality. Free will is pretty sweet if we learn how to harness it. Anger manifests physically in your body as stress and sickness, and maybe I’m a bit superficial, but I want to be hot and live a long life. So… I stay away from that stuff. I am not saying it doesn’t happen and there are definitely times where recognizing my anger is beneficial to relationships, but sometimes it’s just not necessary. This next part is delusional, but it worked: I started making up scenarios to excuse people’s driving. “Wow, they must really have to pee.” Or “I hope his wife makes it to the hospital in time to deliver the baby.” If all else fails, be ~delusional~. 3. Pause Before Projecting If a conversation isn’t going your way - and you feel the anger, the hurt, the pettiness building - take a pause. It’s okay if the other person doesn’t like some silence. That’s on their dysregulation to figure out. We are all doing our best here. Learning to pause before you project is going to save you, and everyone you’re dealing with, a lot of anger and dissatisfaction. That pause deflates neuroception - a term coined by Dr. Stephen Porges as part of Polyvagal Theory. It’s your nervous system’s unconscious ability to constantly scan your internal and external environment for cues of safety, danger, or threat. When you pause and reflect back to your body that “this is simply a disagreement” you interrupt a body trying to protect you from something that isn’t actually dangerous. Your language becomes a boundary you throw up to deflect what you perceive as a threat. But a disagreement isn’t going to kill you. It might insult you, it might hurt, but you are not actually in danger and therefore do not need to escalate it with a reactionary statement. Now, I am human, you are human - if you are not human and somehow listening to this, hit me up because that would lead me on a completely different career path - so sometimes you do say inflammatory comments. It happens. We go back to step number 1 here, recognize the problem area. Was it necessary to say that? Did it come from facts or emotions? Your Body Is a Science Experiment Every time you catch yourself mid-reaction and choose the pause instead, you are rewiring pathways that will allow you to choose peace over chaos. That’s you learning what your specific nervous system needs. It’s not one size fits all, and it won’t click the first try. That’s fine. Keep experimenting and TRYING. If you’re tired of knowing all the tools and still reacting the same way, that’s exactly what we build in 1:1 coaching - the actual muscle of in-the-moment regulation, not just the theory. [Book a totally free coaching call] or [inquire about having me speak on nervous system regulation] for your team or event. Lots of love, Tia Email me at: [email protected] FAQ How do I stop road rage in the moment? Recognize whether you’re reacting to facts or emotion, remind yourself their driving isn’t yours to control, and pause before you respond — even for 10 seconds. What is neuroception and why does it matter for regulation? Neuroception is your nervous system’s automatic scan for safety or danger, a term coined by Dr. Stephen Porges. Understanding it helps you recognize when your body is overreacting to something that isn’t a real threat. Can you actually learn to regulate in the moment, or does it take years? You can start practicing immediately — it’s a skill, not a personality trait. It gets easier with repetition, not perfection. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit tiadevincenzo.substack.com