Stop Saying “You Made Me Feel”: Owning Your Emotions in Conflict

--Media Links--• Website: delvepsych.com• Instagram: @delvepsychchicago• YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@DelvePsych20• Substack: https://delvepsych.substack.com/--Participants--Hosts: Ali McGarel, Adam FominayaGuests: none--Overview of Big Ideas--• Can other people “make” us feel something? The show argues that emotions are ours; words like “attacked” or “rejected” are often perceptions or judgments, not feelings. • Swapping finger-pointy language (“you made me…”) for “I felt…” reduces defensiveness and keeps the focus on your inner experience. • Break arguments into parts: what happened, what you felt, and what you needed—instead of litigating who said what. • You can’t choose your first feeling, but you are responsible for your next thought and first action; there’s a choice point between stimulus and response. • Past experiences “prime” certain reactions; sequence isn’t the same as cause. Noticing your patterns gives you more freedom. • Attention shapes outcomes: what you focus on in dating or friendships can quietly recreate old dynamics. --Breakdown of Segments--• Listener question: “Do other people make us feel emotions?”• Feelings vs. perceptions: why “attacked,” “blamed,” and “rejected” aren’t emotions—and what to say instead. • The skill: “break it into pieces”—separating their behavior, your interpretation, your emotion, and your need. • Name-calling example: how to set a clear boundary (“I want friendships without name-calling”) without counterattacks. • The fallacy trap: after-then-therefore—why heated moments wake up old hurts, but don’t strictly cause them. • Choice in action: you can’t pick your first feeling, but you can pick your next move. • Dating aside: the “cyclical irony” of distress—how our attention and habits can re-invite the very patterns we don’t want. • Closing: invite to share the pod; ask female-identified listeners to pass it along to male-identified friends. --References--• Rosenberg, M. B. (2015). Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life (3rd ed.). PuddleDancer Press. (Practical tools for naming feelings/needs without blame.) Center for Nonviolent Communication• Lazarus, R. S. (1991). Emotion and Adaptation. Oxford University Press. (Appraisal theory: emotions arise from how we evaluate events.) Oxford University Press• Gross, J. J. (1998). The Emerging Field of Emotion Regulation: An Integrative Review. Review of General Psychology. (Process model for choosing responses to emotion.) SAGE Journals• The Gottman Institute. “The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling” (and antidotes). (Research-based guidance for de-escalating conflict.) Gottman Institute+1• Encyclopaedia Britannica. “Post hoc ergo propter hoc.” (On the fallacy of mistaking sequence for cause.) Encyclopedia Britannica• Frankl, V. E. Man’s Search for Meaning. Beacon Press. (A classic argument for freedom of response and responsibility.) Beacon